


Fitting

by beautifullights, TuppingLiberty



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Blow Jobs, Chef Finn, College, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Demisexual Poe, Dissociation, Emotionally Honest Conversations, Enthusiastic Consent, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Frottage, Grey-A, Hand Jobs, Kink Negotiation, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mechanic Finn, Mechanic Poe, Orgasm Delay, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rimming, Suicidal Ideation, Switching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-09-17 09:11:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 213,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9314948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullights/pseuds/beautifullights, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuppingLiberty/pseuds/TuppingLiberty
Summary: “Listen, I’ve been thinking. ‘Bout why we’re so good together. Your crazy matches my crazy, big time.” —This fic is a role play between BeautifulLights and TuppingLiberty. The basics are: it’s a modern Stormpilot AU, Poe owns a garage, both our boys are dealing with their shit, and the above quote from Deadpool is highly applicable —how do Finn and Poe, at the start of a new relationship, navigate around their trauma so they can be happy and healthy together?Please mind the tags, this fic does have dark themes. It also has the promised fluff.Featuring BeautifulLights as Poe and TuppingLiberty as Finn





	1. Fried Rice

**Author's Note:**

> The first few lines of this fic were a prompt that BeautifulLights submitted to TuppingLiberty, but isn’t it always more fun to work on things with a friend?
> 
> Specific warnings for this chapter: aftermath of an anxiety attack, references to suicidal ideation, and discussions of PTSD.

"Buddy?" Poe finally found Finn huddled against the wall, head buried in his knees, nearly hidden in the tall grass. "Hey. Hey, no. What's wrong?"

Finn couldn't stop shaking. He knew if he raised his head, his shoulders would shudder, and he'd look weak, and he really couldn't stand the thought of looking weak in front of Poe. He buried his head further in his knees instead. “Go ‘way, Poe.”  

Poe hesitated. “I can,” he said at last, and bit his lip. “If you need me to. But if you want to talk, I’d love to listen. Whatever it is, it’s ok, buddy. I promise.”  

“How can you know it’s going to be okay?” Squeezing his eyes shut, Finn tried to will the shaking to stop, then raised his head up to look at Poe. “Nothing feels like it’s going to be okay, ever again.” It wasn’t—he couldn’t—He shook violently. He hated these part of the attacks, where everything felt like it was ending, and to do it— _ at work _ , for the first time. This wasn’t what he thought he’d be getting by returning to civilian life.

“Well.” Poe sank down against the wall, a careful distance from Finn. “I don’t, I guess. I just—”  _ I want it to be ok. So badly. For you and me both, buddy.  _ He laughed suddenly. “I just pretend it is. Until it actually is.” He ran a hand through his hair, uncomfortably self-conscious.  

“That’s...that sounds really nice, actually.” Finn slid a foot over toward Poe, not touching him, but...but something close anyway. “Better living through distraction?”  

“Heh,” Poe snorted. “Well.” He knocked his foot against Finn’s, then fell silent. “Not really,” he admitted. “At least—it hasn't really helped me, no. Not sure I'd recommend it.”  

Finn was grateful for the contact, slight as it was, against his foot. “Everyone’s going to think I'm a freak.” He’d come to care about the opinions of everyone inside the shop, maybe too much.  

“Who?” Poe tipped his head back against the wall. “Jess, who carries knives in her pocket and boot and bra at all times? Snap, who destroyed the Dormans’ car after it backfired on him?” He looked at the point where their shoes touch. “We’re all freaks here.”  

“Poe Dameron’s Home for Misfits.” Finn held a shaky hand out to Poe. “Thanks for having me.”  

“Anytime.” Poe grinned at him. “And anytime you want to talk, seriously. I’m happy to listen. But I get it if you don’t want to.” He took Finn’s hand and pulled them up, not reading anything at all into the warm press of Finn’s calluses against his palm. “I’m about to close up here. Can I walk you home, or something?”  

Finn let his fingers linger, for two beats longer than he should. Then he pulled it swiftly away, holding his own hand and biting his lip. “I, um, I kind of don't want to be alone right now?” His voice got quieter and faster as he went.  

Poe wasn’t quite sure what sound a breaking heart made, but the sudden silence between his ears must have been something like it. “Buddy.” His voice cracked.  _ Can I wrap you up and keep you safe with me, forever?  _ “In that case. Can I make you dinner?”  

“Yes,” Finn replied, too quickly to not be obvious, and he blushed. Something about Poe’s quiet manner soothed him.  

“Great!” Poe’s jaw creaked with the effort to rein his grin into an acceptably casual smile. “Then! Let’s go! I live really close. Not a long walk! Oh wait, but I need to close up. Ok. Hang on for a sec while I close up the shop? It won’t take long, I promise. Just a second. Only a sec. Won’t take long. Wait, I said that already. Anyway. Ok. Come on!”  

Finn grinned, then let himself laugh. Fuck, it felt good, and the corresponding grin on Poe’s face was like the sun shining directly into his soul. “I can help, somehow?”  

“Um—” Poe got caught somewhere between the flash of Finn’s teeth and the crinkle of his eyes. “What? Oh. Right! Shop. Closing. Um. Well, you—” Poe jumped as the garage doors clatter down to meet the concrete drive with an ominous  _ thunk,  _ accompanied by Jess’ indistinct grumbling. “Shit.” He craned his head as though that would let him see around the corner to the front of the shop. “Ok, well, the bad news is, I’m going to be in trouble with Jess tomorrow for leaving the shop for her to close, but the good news is, I think we’re free to head out now!”  

Finn made a mental note to thank Jess tomorrow. He tucked his hands in his back pockets as they walked. Suddenly nervous, he coughed. “So, um, where does Poe Dameron fit in the house of misfits? Or are you just our faithful leader?” Finn’s eyes bulged, and he rushed on. “Not that you have to tell me? Don't feel obligated, sorry.”  _ Goddammit, Okira. It is one thing to have a highly inappropriate crush on your new boss. It's another to have a breakdown at the sound of a drill in front of said boss and then get too personal with him. _

“What? Oh, um. I’m fine. I mean—I guess I’m just the leader, yeah. I’m fine.”  

Finn nodded, head down, embarrassed. “Yeah, of course.” They stopped in front of a house, and Finn looked up. “Is this your place?”  

“Yep.” Poe shrugged. “I, um. I hope you aren’t expecting anything too fancy. I’m sorry, I never really got the hang of decorating. Or cooking, come to think of it.”  _ This may have been a bad idea.  _ He bit his lip against a wince as he climbed the steps—fuck, did he forget his stretches this morning? apparently so—rummaged in his pocket for the key, and waved Finn into the house. “So, um. Make yourself at home! Any dinner requests?”  

Poe was right, Finn thought. The house was sparsely decorated, and he'd let them in a side entrance, so they were in the kitchen. But taking Poe's words to heart, he looked to Poe for consent, then, gaining it, shuffled through the kitchen cabinets, muttering. His eyes lit up when he came across the rice. “You know what my favorite comfort food is?”  

“Uh-oh.” Poe grinned at him. “Last time I saw that look in your eye, I ended up doing the single ladies dance in front of the entire shop. Should I be worried now?”  

Finn continued to pull ingredients from the cupboards and fridge. “Never get involved in a land war in Asia, and _ never _ challenge Finn Okira on his Lord of the Rings knowledge. But I think you learned your lesson.” He went through the motions of getting the rice ready. “Fried rice. Food of the gods. All you need is rice, oil, eggs, and random leftovers.” He turned to grin at Poe, pleased with himself.  

“Whooo boy.” Poe grinned back. “That's already far beyond my capabilities. Tell me what to do, Major.”  

“Well, we need the rice first, and I've got that going, so…. How do you propose we kill twenty minutes?” Finn bit his lip, smiling at little at Poe before he caught himself.  _ Jesus Christ Finn, are you flirting? What are you doing? _

“Well.” Poe looked at his hands. “We do have to talk about it at some point. What happened this afternoon, and how we can work around it in the future. I mean, I'm definitely keeping you on.” He gathered his courage and met Finn’s eyes. “If you still want to work at the shop. But we definitely don't have to talk about it now. Up to you. Plenty of other things we can do.”  

Finn’s flirtatious lip bite turned into something more nervous. He helped himself to a glass of water and sat at the kitchen table, beckoning Poe down. “Lately...loud noises have been bothering me?” He hated when his voice tipped up. “Loud noises have been bothering me.”  _ Understatement of the century. _ He rubbed his eyes. “I just didn’t sleep well last night, that’s why I freaked today. Sorry ‘bout that.”  

Face to face across the table was  _ far  _ too close. Finn’s eyes caught the overhead light, glinting with warm amber. Poe clasped his hands tightly in a futile attempt to force himself to focus on the situation. “That’s ok,” he said, and cleared his throat. “Normal, really. If I had a dollar for every vet who reacted badly to loud noises after coming home, I’d be on vacation in Florida right now.” He tried on a smile, hoping to see Finn’s face light up again. “Now, you should have been wearing your hearing protection, which might help in the future. But I could also put you in the back office, at least until you’ve been home safe a little while longer. Not as glamourous as working on the cars, but it’s just as necessary, and you could use that brain of yours.”  

Finn felt his lips tip up at the sides. He reached across the table, tapping his finger. “I don’t—I don’t know how folks get out of the service and make it, if they don’t have people like you who...who understand.  _ Major. _ ” He brought his hand back, rubbing it on his jeans. He thought of the night, months ago, the first night Poe had performed the same service he was doing now—making sure Finn wasn’t given too much time alone. He tried, had been trying for months at this point, to figure out how to repay Poe. “Thank you,” he murmured.  

“Well.” Poe’s smile slipped. “Plenty of people don’t make it. But you, sir—” he pointed at Finn— “are not going to be one of them. So whatever I can do to help, tell me. Ok?” He straightened his shoulders and propped his smile up again. “But that’s  _ Commander  _ Dameron to you, you impudent knave.”  

Finn could hear the water boiling; he needed to get up and turn it to low, but he had a hard time turning away from Poe’s soft, kind eyes.  _ I’m so fucking gone. _ He popped up, turning the burner down and taking a moment to recenter himself. He was way too much of a mess to be thinking about Poe. He just—he just  _ missed _ it. Human contact.  

Poe did  _ not  _ check out Finn’s ass while he was standing at the stove, no sir. Not at all.

Ok, maybe a little.

Ok, maybe it was a really fucking great ass. But that was beside the point. The point was, he wasn’t really in a good enough place yet to help Finn out right now and might never be. And Finn needed help, that was for damn sure. Everyone did. “You’re talking to someone?” Poe asked. “Someone with more degrees than I have, I mean.”  

Finn sighed, then turned and stuck his head in the fridge again. “I was. It didn’t work out. I’ve got a list but...effort, you know? How old is this steak?” Finn sniffed at the takeout container of steak and fries, then went rummaging in the freezer for any vegetable that could add some nutritional value to the meal. He bopped his hips a little when he came across the bag of frozen corn. “Jackpot!” He smiled at Poe, waggling his eyebrows.  

“What?” Poe blinked at him. “Um.”  

“How did you seriously never learn to cook for yourself, man?”  

“Cook?”  _ Oh, shit. Right. Finn asked a question, didn’t he? Before that dance move.  _ “Um. I just don’t like to, is all. I get by fine. Probably would have just had breakfast for dinner if you hadn’t come by to save my sorry ass.” Poe cleared his throat. “But you can’t dodge the question that easily, man. If you want to get better, you have to see someone.” He held Finn’s eyes. “It sucks. I’m sorry. But that’s—that’s the way it is. There’s no way around it. People who tell me they found shortcuts end up at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.”  

Finn dropped the corn and the takeout box on the counter, then gripped the edge until he had white knuckles. “I don’t want that. I  _ don’t. _ ”  

Poe bit his lip hard. It didn’t help the ache in his throat. He cautiously stood, crossed to Finn, and hovered just far enough away to not spook him. “Then you won’t,” he said gently. “You’re kind and brave and you work hard. That’s what counts. And you’ve got us to kick your ass when you need it. You’ll be ok, Finn.” He touched Finn’s knuckles, then jammed his hand back into his pocket where it belonged. “You’ll find a way to get yourself into some therapist’s office. I’ve got a list of a few good people, if that helps. People who get it.”  

Finn took a deep breath, then reached for the frying pan. “Don’t let me leave tonight without that list.” He had to move away from Poe to continue cooking, but didn’t want to.  

“Ok,” Poe said. He leaned back against the counter, trying not to stare at the graceful lines of Finn’s hands as he lit the burner. “It’s worth it, I promise you. Makes life possible.”  

Putting together the steak, potato and corn fried rice passed in relative quiet, Finn teasing Poe as he showed him how to cook everything together, and add seasoning —tsking at Poe when his supply of soy sauce came from take out packets. Finally, when they were both sitting at the table with steaming bowls of fried rice in front of them, Finn hesitated before digging in. Now that he didn’t have an immediate objective, his heart was beginning to race again. He took a second to breath in the salty goodness of the rice, trying to count the breath out. Across from him, Poe paused mid-bite.  

“Do you want to talk about it?”  

Finn finished the breathing routine, though his heart didn't feel much better. He shook his head. “Aftershocks. But, um, they're going better because you're here. Because you came after me. So thanks.” He took up a forkful of rice himself.  

“You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.” Poe traced the curve of his plate for a moment, thinking. “Is there anything else that helps you at times like this?”  

Lots of indecent propositions floated through Finn’s mind. Most of them involved his mouth on some part of Poe’s body. He chewed slowly.  _ I don’t do that anymore.  _ “No, you're doing a really good job. I'm kind of surprised you don't have all those degrees.”  

“Nah,” Poe snorted. “Little personal experience, that's all.”  

Finn watched him eat over his own bowl, secretly pleased that Poe seemed to like it. “I was... trying to test myself. And it was stupid, and I'm sorry. I'd had a lot of good days in a row, you know? So I just kind of stopped wearing my ear protection. Do you ever do that? Push yourself? Too far?”  

“Never.” Poe's lips trembled with the effort to keep a straight face.  

“Yeah,” Finn replied with a quick wink, “sure.”  

“Look.” Poe swallowed. “I just—I'm not a good role model, all right? I hope you're not taking notes.”  

“I don't want you to be my role model,” Finn murmured, hoping he didn't sound petulant.  

“Shit, I—” Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I don't mean to be—condescending, or some shit like that. I just—I'm older, and I've been out of the force for a few years now, and I wanted to help you transition home better than I did. I—” Poe looked at his hands, unable to meet Finn’s eyes. “It hurts me to see you hurting,” he said, very quietly. “I want to help. And I can't. I'm sorry.”  

“You know I can reciprocate, right? If you need someone to talk to. I know I'm—I have not by anyone's definition worked my shit out. But people tell me I'm a good listener.”  

“I—” Poe got caught again in the sweet quirk of Finn’s smile. “Thank you,” he said, when he regained his voice. “That—that means a lot to me.” He hesitated. “You're a good man, Finn. You know that, right?”  

Finn swallowed down some emotion. “I'm trying.”  

“Well, that's all you can do, man.” Poe smiled at him. “Is anything working, so far?”  

“I like working at the shop. I mean. Being around other people who... get it. Makes it easier to go home alone at night, knowing I'm obligated to be back tomorrow.”  

“Glad to hear it.” Poe couldn't help the little jump his heart did—ok, not _jump_ , more like booty wiggle—at Finn’s words. “And hey—” _bad idea_ _bad idea red alert eject now shit shit fuck—_ “If you ever, um. Don't want to go home alone. You can always—I mean—I have a couch,” he said, and abruptly lost his nerve.  

Something like hope whispered through Finn. “Thanks,” he replied, blushing when his voice went husky.  

“You're welcome,” Poe said, but that didn't really cover it, so he added: “It's a pleasure. Any time you need.” He looked at his hands, heart pounding. “But, um. That would, uh. Cut into your dating life, and all that.”  

Finn snorted. “Yeah. Dating life.” Looking at Poe's face, belatedly he realized Poe was fishing...maybe. “Uh... No current dating life...I'm holding out for someone.”  

“Someone,” Poe said thoughtfully. It hurt more than he thought it would, and he'd thought it would hurt enough to get his fuck-up mind to stop conjuring fantasies about his friend. “What kind of someone? Maybe I can keep an eye out.”  

Finn closed his eyes for a second. Was he chickenshit or not? Hell, he'd faced down enemies on the battlefield, how was this so much harder? Then again, look at what those battles had cost him. Would his confession cost him even more? The fragile peace he'd built for himself? He opened his eyes again and took in Poe’s beautiful, somber face. “He's special. Sweet. Kind. A hardass when he needs to be, to protect his own, and his friends.” Finn reached across the table, touching Poe’s hand lightly.  

Poe's heart  _ stopped,  _ just like that, then started again one beat short of a panic attack.  _ NOT NOW, BRAIN,  _ he shouted desperately. “I,” he said, but that was all the words he could muster. 

Finn’s heart shuttered down, his cheeks flaming now. He had the sudden urge to just stick his head in a bucket of water, all nerve lost. He pushed back from the table, consciously slowing his movements. He wouldn't be upset. He just needed... needed to not be here anymore. He gathered their bowls, set them in the sink, and gripped the edge of the counter, as he'd done before.  

“I'm not good with words,” Poe stood up, hands shaking. “I'm not good with, like. Anything. I don't know how to—I just—I don't—”  

The panic in the other man’s tone straightened Finn’s spine, and he turned slowly. He saw the beginnings of the anxiety attack on Poe’s face, and before he knew it, he was crossing the kitchen, stopping just before Poe, hands reaching for him, then thinking better of it, remembering the space Poe had given him earlier. They fell to his sides, instead, useless. But if Poe didn't touch him earlier, in his panic attack, then he probably didn't want to be touched, as much as Finn was, well, a toucher. He itched to pull Poe into his arms. “I’m sorry. I—obviously this is not a good time...or, uh, thing for you. It's okay. I mean, obviously, I'm disappointed, but it's okay. Seriously. It's—I'll just go, then.”  

Poe grabbed Finn’s arm and held on for dear life. “It's never going to be a good time for me,” he rasped. Finn’s were way too close and his lips  _ fucking hell—  _ “I'm not getting better. You should—you deserve to—”  

Finn searched his face, then held his other arm out. “Can I?”  

_ Anything.  _ “Please,” Poe croaked. 

Finn enveloped Poe in his arms, mentally beating himself up over the quaking body he held. He hesitated, then brought his hand up to stroke through Poe's curls. “It's okay. It's okay.”  

“You like me.” Poe blinked. “You like me!” He couldn't stop shaking, but that was ok, who cared, Finn was hugging him and  _ Finn liked him,  _ fucking hell, everything would be ok. Poe pushed back in Finn's arms just far enough to be able to see Finn's face, then cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand just because he finally could. “Really?”  

“You doofus.” Finn brought his hand up to cover Poe’s on his cheek, then pulled it over to place a light kiss on the still trembling hand. “Yeah, I like you. I like how big your heart is.” He placed his hand over Poe’s thundering chest. “Big enough for another person to slide in there, I hope?”  

“Slide in there and stay.” Poe leaned his forehead against Finn’s. “As long as you like.”  _ Or forever.  _

“You going to let me decide what I deserve?” Finn's hand brushed across Poe’s cheek, and his lips were whisper close.   

“I’m going to keep saying stupid things and then regretting them,” Poe mumbled. Finn’s hand was warm and gentle against his cheek, rough with calluses. “But I'm sorry.” Poe tilted his head to try to see Finn’s eyes. “I’m trying not to, I promise. I’ll try harder. Whack me if I fuck up again, ok?”  

Finn couldn't resist then. Couldn't resist this man who seemed so strong to everyone else but was so, so vulnerable in his arms right now. He brushed his lips over Poe’s, a little too fast not to betray his own nerves. The texture of Poe’s lips was interesting... fascinating, really, and he immediately brushed another kiss to feel it again. He backed off, then, unsure of himself, if he was moving too fast.  

_ This is not how I thought my night would go,  _ Poe thought dazedly.  _ This is—this is—words are dumb. Who needs words? Fuck words.  _ He wrapped a hand around the back of Finn’s head, pulled him in close, and kissed him back.  

Finn groaned into it, his arm slipping around Poe’s waist. When they broke off, Finn pulled back and rested his forehead against Poe’s again, in what was fast becoming his favorite position. “Do you think we could...slow down a sec?”   

“Yeah, of course, of course!” Poe stepped back hastily and dropped his arms back to his sides. “I’m sorry. I have no—no plan here, I—fuck, I didn’t even know you liked guys, let alone  _ me.  _ We can go at whatever pace you want, buddy.”  

With a grin, Finn pulled Poe gently back into his arms. “You don't have to go that far. Just—you were pretty freaked out a second ago, and I'm not in the safest headspace either, obviously. But we're not going anywhere, right?” Finn knew he looked hopeful. Hell, it was the most hopeful he'd felt in months. “So we can go nice and slow.” He rocked them a little, loving the feel of Poe’s body against his.  _ How is this a thing that's happening now? _

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn’s waist and leaned in close. “Nice and slow,” he echoed, begging his brain to start functioning again. Finn just _fit_ against him, like they were made to be here, now, hugging in his tiny kitchen. “What? Oh. Right. Yes. Nice and slow. Good. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.” Poe cleared his throat and tried to gather himself back together. “I'm really sorry you're not in a good place right now,” he said. “But I'll be here. All right? I'm not going anywhere.” He buried his face in the crook of Finn’s neck. “Think I could stay right here forever, in fact.”  

Finn rested his cheek in Poe’s curls, content to rock them for as long as they needed, but he noticed Poe shifting weight from his leg. He considered their options in silence. Was moving them to a couch too forward? Should he ask about Poe’s leg? Should he just let Poe go? Indecisive, he settled for continuing to hold Poe.  

How many months had Poe waited for this? Wished for this? Ever since he’d first seen those warm eyes, tense shoulders, and straight-backed posture, perching on a cheap plastic folding chair across the circle. He meant it about forever. He really did. But time—time was still passing, right? Even though the world had changed? Probably. “You have to go home,” Poe murmured into the worn cotton of Finn’s collar. “Don’t you? It’s getting late.”  

Finn sighed regretfully. “I should. I don't want to let you go, though, now that I have you.”  

“Well.” Poe smirked. “I meant it about the couch.” He hesitated, heart suddenly pounding in his ears. “I, uh,” he coughed. “I have a bed, too. It's pretty big. And comfy. And there are two pillows. But I completely understand if that's too much, or too fast. I can drive you home, too.”  

“I-” Finn jumped a little when his cell phone went off in his pocket. He pulled it out, checking the display, and making a face. “Pill reminder.” He sighed. “Which I don't have on me.” He leaned in to brush his lips across Poe’s again. “Tell me if I leave this kitchen, if I let you go, we're not going to lose this magic. Because I kind of feel like I’ve captured a fairy or elf or something, and if I release you, you're going to disappear on me.”  

_ “You _ feel that way! Fuck.” Poe shook his head. “I've been waiting for years to meet someone like you.” He traced the line of Finn’s jaw. “I promise not to disappear if you don't.”  

Finn touched their noses together. “I promise.” 

It took him a few minutes to pull away, turning down Poe’s second offer to drive him home. _ ’I like the walk.’ _ He lingered at the open door, appreciating the lower evening temperature. “Goodnight.” For once, that word seemed to hold a promise of hope. The bleak darkness of night would be tolerable tonight, he could feel it.  

“Goodnight,” Poe echoed, hanging onto the doorjamb for dear life. He definitely didn't watch Finn walk down the block and out of sight, admiring the graceful set of his shoulders and the perfect curve of his ass and—oh dear lord he was getting to be a complete sap in his old age, wasn't he? Poe shut the door and returned to his kitchen and washed the dishes and set them to dry and touched the counter where Finn’s hands had gripped it. 

_ He did kiss me, right? I didn't dream that. I would never have dared to dream something so wonderful.  _

Poe laughed to himself, alone in his kitchen, flush with delight. 


	2. An interlude on the back dock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn makes a tough phone call, and leans on Poe to do so.
> 
> Warning: Suicidal thoughts are specifically mentioned in this chapter.

Finn arrived early the next morning to help Snap open the shop—part of him hoped that Snap would pass knowledge of his action onto Jess without him actually having to talk to her about getting stuck with closing down duty—then relegated himself to the back, following Poe’s suggestion. When he'd gotten home last night, he'd looked through the list of therapists Poe had texted him. Along with a little smiley face that Finn did not look at before he went to bed, nope. Finding someone who could work with him was priority number one for his lunch hour today. 

Because Poe wanted him to talk to someone. 

And Finn had an innate need to do what Poe wanted. 

Priority number two was to find Poe, and...and continue their interesting conversation from the night before. As he worked through the accounts, Finn entertained ideas of flustering Poe with flirting, imagining the blush on Poe's cheeks. Unfortunately, a busy morning conspired to keep them apart, until Poe found him sitting alone on the back loading dock, finger hovering over the send button on his cell, frozen and unable to commit to hitting send.  

————— 

“So, you went home with Finn last night.”

“Shut up, Jess,” Poe grunted as he dug into the latest shipment of boxes for the new part he'd ordered. 

“But you didn't get laid,” Jess continued, “because you look even more tense. However, you  _ were  _ whistling until I caught you.”

“Are you done yet?” 

“Well, I could go ask Finn instead.” 

“Don't you even think about it.” Poe straightened up and glared at her. “Finn is going to have a nice quiet morning in the back office, doing our accounts for the month. You are going to leave him in peace.”

Jess raised an eyebrow at him. “Do I look that easily intimidated?”

_ Yes, _ Poe would have said, catching the way her hand casually rested on the knife hidden beneath her sleeve. He sighed.  _ Get your shit together, Dameron.  _ “Tell you at lunch, all right?” he grumbled. “We'll have a lovely heart-to-heart and you can tell me about that Karé kid you picked up last weekend.”

Jess settled her noise-protection headphones over her ears and grinned at him. “That's a deal, Dameron.”

By the time lunch rolled around, Poe still had no idea what to tell her. What had happened, really? Were they boyfriends? Friends with kissing benefits? Therapy buddies?  _ Why is this so fucking confusing,  _ Poe muttered to himself as he went back towards the break room to get his lunch—

“Hey!” All of his brain cells went offline the moment he saw the back of Finn’s head, just like usual. “Didn't see you back here. You coming to join us for lunch?”  

Finn started at the sound of Poe’s voice. “Oh, I, uh…” Finn considered and then immediately dismissed lying to Poe. If this... If this fragile thing between them was meant to last, Finn wasn't going to fuck it up with dishonesty. Not with Poe. He'd seen his father go down that road too many times to stomach it with Poe. He looked up, into the handsome face, remembering the way Poe had fit against him last night.  _ Everything could be that good, _ Finn reminded himself,  _ if you just push the button. _ “Can you come here?” he asked quietly, patting the ground beside him. “Please?”  

“Of course, buddy.” Poe’s heart kicked into overdrive as he sat down, dreading Finn’s next words.  

Finn held out his hand. “I, uh, find myself in need of some courage.” His proffered hand shook a little between them, as they both looked at it.  

“Buddy.” Poe took Finn’s hand. “If you want to call it off, between us, that's ok. I get it. We got kinda swept away, maybe.” He swallowed hard.  

Finn’s eyes widened, and he involuntarily squeezed Poe's hand in his. “No!” He swallowed, then slightly more calmly: “No. No. No.” He brought Poe's hand up and brushed a kiss across the knuckles. “No.” He laughed at himself ruefully. “I've had this therapist's number typed into my phone for five minutes. I'm just having a hard time hitting send.”  

“Oh, thank god,” Poe laughed. “That kind of confidence, huh?” He cuddled closer into Finn’s side, just because he could now. “Well. What's stopping you?”  

Because he'd made himself available, Finn leaned over and brushed his lips across Poe’s, 'cause he could. “Nothing, now.” He continued to lean on Poe, physically and mentally, as he hit send. He squeezed Poe's hand and listened to the ringing. When he'd connected with the counselor, he took a deep breath, then, “I need a therapist. I'm a vet. Dealing with, um, PTSD, anxiety, and, uh, um.” He leaned his head into Poe's, squeezing his eyes shut. “Suicidal thoughts,” he said quickly, as if ripping off a bandaid. He didn't dare look at Poe's face, so ashamed. He had to coach himself to breathe again after he said it, through the process of making the appointment. Poe never left his side. “Thank you. I'll see you soon.” When he hung up, he set his phone aside and buried himself in Poe's arms. “And thank you,” he mumbled against Poe's neck.  

Poe’s arms came up to encircle Finn of their own accord, brain still stalled in first gear.  _ Suicidal—no. No, no, no.  _ He’d known Finn had been doing badly, and assumed it was worse than Finn let on, but he’d never guessed it was already that bad. “You did it, buddy,” he murmured into Finn’s soft curls. “You made the call. I’m so fucking proud of you.” He stroked Finn’s back for a moment, gathering his nerve. “Do you—” he started hesitantly— “have an emergency plan? If things get bad between now and your appointment. Can you—”  _ call home,  _ he was about to say, but Finn had never mentioned home, so Poe wasn't about to bring it up now. “Do you have someone you can call?” he asks instead. “Or could you get to the hospital from your apartment?”  

“You know Rey? From support group? I have her number. She insisted—when I—she made sure I had it.” Finn wanted to crawl into Poe's lap, his embrace felt so good. “It's not—I don't have, like, a plan. I haven't attempted. Just... Sometimes the nights are... really hard to get through.” His next breath was shaky. “And I know that's a lot to dump on your plate the morning after we... became whatever we are now, and if that's more than you want to deal with on top of your own shit… I wouldn't blame you for patting me on the head and walking away right now.” He wiped furiously at the tear rolling down his cheek. “You can think of it like, you got me this far… now you can pass the baton if you want. No one would blame you.”  

Poe patted Finn on the head and pulled him in closer, throat aching too hard to speak. “Not gonna walk away, buddy,” he rasped at last. “I don't know how many people have done that to you—or none, maybe, you don't need to tell me, I just—that's not how I operate.” He pulled away just far enough to see Finn's eyes. “I'm not gonna do that,” he said again. “All right? I'm glad you have Rey. I'm glad you're—hanging in there. If there's anything you want me to lock up in the safe here—pills or weapons or shit—you let me know, ok?”  

Finn sighed into Poe's shirt. “It gets better,” he said, trying to force determination into his voice. “It's already better. Because of you.”  

“Don't you go pinning this on me.” Poe smiled down at him. “All I did was invite you over.  _ You _ said yes.  _ You _ walked home with me.  _ You _ made dinner.  _ You _ even made the first move. And  _ you  _ called a therapist and made an appointment.” He kissed the top of Finn’s head. “You're stronger than you think. I'm glad it's getting better.”  _ I hope you really do get better,  _ Poe prayed.  _ Better than I've managed to get, at least.   _

Warmth bloomed inside Finn. Warmth tinged with hope. “Yeah, I did, didn't I?” He looked up into Poe's eyes, saw sadness there. Wondered what miracle had happened that someone might be sad for  _ him. _ “Can I kiss you again?”  

“Please,” Poe laughed, feeling the echo of it against Finn’s ribs.  

Finn straightened, cupping Poe's face in his hands and leaning in. Poe was still laughing a little when he sealed their lips, and Finn determined then and there that the best sound in the entire world was Poe laughing into a kiss. And that would be the best mission in the world, wouldn't it? To make Poe laugh and kiss Poe however often he could so that he could get them to overlap? He smiled, his lips widening on Poe’s, then moved to Poe's cheek, his eyelid. He couldn't help but grin at Poe's pleasantly happy face.  

Finn’s body  _ fit _ against Poe’s in a way that no one else’s ever had. The muscles of his back were warm beneath Poe’s hands, the press of his thigh against Poe’s was so— _ shit, ok, calm the fuck down, Dameron, we agreed to move slowly, got that?  _ He kissed Finn’s jaw, then traced the line of his neck, all the way down to the graceful rise of his collarbone.  

“Hey are you guys coming to—oh. Uh. Right. I'll just back away now… Slowly…” Jess made no actual move to back away, instead staring at them, grin on her face, as Finn felt his flush creep all the way to the tips of his ears. “Well, well, Damer—"  

“That’s enough, Pava.” Poe kept a protective hand on Finn’s back and cocked a brow at her. “Pretty sure I have the right to kiss my—”  _ shit fuck we never really talked about what we are um—  _ “to kiss whoever the hell I want in my own damn garage. Consensually, that is.” He cocked a brow at Finn. “You did consent, right? This was your own idea, if I remember correctly. And a damn fine one at that.”  

Poe's protective attitude helped Finn fight back against his embarrassment. “Yeah. Yeah, I consent.” 

“Beautiful,” Jess replied, deadpan. “So glad I'm not going to have to fight anyone for anyone else's honor around here.” She softened her sarcasm with a smile. “Lunch, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Finn stood, helped pull Poe up. “Just give us a sec.” He waited until she'd left the dock, then pulled Poe closer again. “I, um...I've spent a lot of the last few months kind of lost, so I don't know how much of a compliment this really is, but… You're the only person I've wanted in that entire time. Everything seems brighter when you're around. I don't know if… labels are right, right now? I'm so messed up, Poe.” He lost his nerve, rested his forehead against Poe’s. “I'm so messed up, but all I want is you. And if you wanted to call me your boyfriend, I think—I might—I think that'd be amazing. If it's too soon for that, I understand. I just wanted you to know that, on my side anyway, this is an exclusive thing. Okay?”  

“That’s,” Poe said, and kissed Finn’s nose. “That’s—that’s wonderful, that’s really—really wonderful. I haven’t wanted anyone either, in—um. Years.” He shook his head. “Lots of years. Many, I mean. Um. Anyway. I would be so fucking proud to be your boyfriend.” He grinned at Finn.  

“Okay.” Finn smiled back, then said more confidently, “Okay.” He pulled back, holding out his hand again. “Want to go to lunch?”  

“Yes, please.” Poe took Finn’s hand and swung their arms forward. “Mr. Boyfriend, sir.”  

Delighted with his man, Finn laughed outright. “I like that, a lot.”  

“Good.” Poe pecked him on the cheek, then opened the break room door and waved Finn inside. “‘Cause I like you.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Animala/TLib here: One thing I've said constantly to Lights is that it's so hard in RP not to move the relationship quickly! So here they are, boyfriends, the day after they first kissed. I console myself with the fact that they've known each other for at least 8 months at this point. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this second installment!


	3. The Lake - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe takes Finn on a date to the lake. 
> 
> Warnings specific to this chapter:   
> Talk of scarring and injury

A few days later, Finn stuck his head into the shop —noise canceling plugs in place this time —and got Poe’s attention. When Poe jogged over and immediately placed a kiss on his lips, some of the anxiety inside Finn soothed. Poe hadn't been hesitant at all to show him affection in the garage. It gave him confidence for—“I just wanted to remind you I'm taking off early, Poe. Appointment. Therapy.”  

“On my calendar.” Poe grinned at him. “Good luck! Let me know how it goes. If you want, I mean. And if you want to bail on the date tomorrow morning, I totally get that—but I hope you won’t? I’ve been looking forward to swimming there ever since it got warm enough.”  

“And miss the chance of seeing you in your swim trunks? It'll help get me through.” He settled Poe better against him, please at how well he fit there. “Or do you wear a Speedo? Mmmm.”  

“I wish,” Poe cackled. “In Europe, maybe. Out here, I think it might startle the tourists.” He ran a hand over the sweet curve of Finn’s ass. “Do you?”  

“If I have to, I guess,” Finn replied with a wink. 

“Eugh, you two, you're stinking up the shop. Smells like 'cute’ in here now,” Jess teased as she walked by hauling a tire.

Finn stuck his tongue out at her before turning to kiss Poe. “So, you're picking me up tomorrow morning, right?” He pulled back, steadying himself to head to his appointment.  

“Yep! Ten am, front stoop, be there or be square. And good luck, man.” Poe gave Finn one last kiss…that might possibly have gone on just a tiny little bit longer and more intense than he had planned. By the time they separated, he was pleasantly dizzy. “You got this,” he said,  _ and you got me.   _

Finn allowed himself one last nuzzle before he walked to catch the bus, chest burning with anxiety. The therapist’s office was just like every other one he'd ever been in, and Finn was cautious at first, but by the end of the hour, they'd built a small rapport. Finn felt good about coming back. 

He was still drained, though, and still processing enough that he had been crying a little, the next day, as he waited for Poe out front. An afternoon of mindless fun with Poe sounded exactly like what he needed right now.  

“Hey!” Poe hopped out of the car and walked up to Finn’s stoop. Awake, showered, dressed, and out of the house was...not his usual state of being at ten am on a Saturday morning, but he could happily get used to it if it meant seeing Finn in swim trunks, sun glinting off his cheekbones. Glinting a little more than it should have been, in fact— “You ok, man?” Poe reached out to take Finn’s hand.  

“Yeah. Yeah. Just residuals, you know?” Finn wiped at the wet spot on his cheek, then let Poe pull him up. “Therapist gave me some stuff to try, though. But to be honest I'm looking forward to putting all of that away for a bit. And focusing on our first date. Is it our first date? Does the one where you calmed me down and distracted me from harmful thoughts and let me cook you rice count as a date?” Before Poe could answer, Finn continued. “Or what about all of our group meetings? Do those count? Or that time you invited me and Jess to bowling, and Jess bailed? Or that time when—" Poe was laughing when Finn kissed him, the sweet sound of his delighted gasp getting lost in Finn’s lips.  

Poe broke off from the kiss reluctantly to get a hit of air. “I think this counts as our first date. I guess? If you want it to. Or our thirty-eleventh, if you want to count the rest.” He wrapped a hand around Finn’s bicep and drew him in closer. “And, to be honest,” he added quietly, “I think crying is a good thing. Means you’re here. Not, you know. Checked out. Or something.”  

Many voices yelling at him, telling him not to cry, that it wasn't manly, that soldiers didn't cry, echoed through Finn’s head. Against them, Poe's seemed feeble. But he nodded anyway, taking Poe's hand for the short walk back to Poe's car. “I'll keep that in mind.”  

“That’s all you can do, man.” Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s knuckles, then slid into the driver’s seat. “You’ll get there. You really will.” He snuck a glance at Finn before focusing on the road. “Have you been to the lake yet?”  

“I haven't. Seems criminal at this point.”  

“Nah. You only got here what, last September? It’s usually too cold by then anyway.”  

Finn watched the sun-soaked scenery go by and laughed a little, thinking of winter streets covered in dirty snow. “I think we have different definitions of cold. But I have to admit, California in the springtime is...an awakening.”  

“Bet your ass it is,” Poe grinned. “Just you wait, I’ll make sure you get to experience all of the highlights around here. You like hiking?”  

“Yeah, if I get to watch that ass walk in front of me all day, I could keep going for hours.”  

“Oh, I see how it is.” Poe flushed down to his collar. “In that case, we may have to take turns hiking in front.” He bit his lip. “Or maybe take a break instead, behind a few sturdy trees.”  

Finn's cock twitched in interest. Suddenly the idea of swimming in a cold lake seemed appropriate. “Yeah, I like nature just fine.”  

“Yeah?” Poe snuck a glance at Finn. “That’s great. I mean, it’s supposed to be very good for you. Stimulating, and all.”   

_ Jesus Christ.  _ “I find it very stimulating. Especially if done in the presence of a hot mechanic.”  

“Hot, huh?” Poe grinned at Finn.  _ Shit, green light, come on, you know how to drive a goddamn car.  _ “Well, it is May. Sun usually comes out in full force by now. Hope you brought some water.”   

“I brought water, a couple of root beers, chips, cut veggies, some sandwiches… I think I've developed a thing for making sure you're well fed?” Finn blushed further as he thought of feeding Poe one of the strawberries he'd brought along.  

“Huh.” Poe’s eyes flicked to Finn as he turned onto the deeply rutted dirt road to the lake. “Well, I am thirsty.”  

Finn’s mind raced to take that about five different ways, all of them dirty, before he reached for the bag at his feet. “You want a water now?”  

“Nah, I’m kidding,” Poe laughed. His eyes lingered for a moment on the drape of Finn’s shirt over his body.  

Finn swallowed as Poe pulled the car to a stop in a deserted parking lot, a lake in the walkable distance. He popped his belt and grabbed his stuff, readjusting himself in his swim trunks as he got out of the car. He watched as Poe stood, stretching a little, like a cat in the sun. God, he was  _ so _ gorgeous. “So, this is beautiful.” He managed, at the last second, to turn away from Poe's face and look at the lake instead.  

“Isn’t it?” Poe closed his eyes and inhaled the rich wet-marsh air. “Peaceful, too. My favorite spot in town.” He pulled the towels out of the trunk and reached for Finn’s hand. “Shall we?”  

“We shall.” Finn took Poe's hand in his, cherishing the weight there, as he shouldered his bag. He let Poe lead them to a secluded spot, watching as he shook out a blanket for them. Finn pulled off his tee, kicked off his sandals and walked with Poe to the water. He gasped a little at the cold water, then committed himself, wading in fully, then diving below, feeling cleansed and refreshed when he popped back up to the surface. “This feels...so good.” He laughed at himself. “I have such a way with words.”  

Poe flinched back as Finn dove in, splashing him with cool water. “Hey, watch it—” Poe stared at the angry slash that crossed Finn’s back from hip to shoulder. “Shit,” he said involuntarily, then wrenched his eyes away and tried to stop staring.  

Finn saw _the look_ on Poe's face when he turned around, the one he'd seen before on doctors and physical therapists. “It's not at bad at it looks.”  

“Well, good.” Poe swallowed and tried to gather himself. “Because it looks like you almost died twice over. Did you only almost die once, then? Shit, never mind, you don’t have to talk about it, I’ll shut up and stop staring, I’m sorry.”  

Finn waded over to Poe, catching him around the waist. “Hey. You're allowed to ask. If I don't want to answer… I'll let you know, okay?” He slicked some of Poe's curls away from his face with a wet hand. “Honesty, right? Communication? Mr. Boyfriend?” He cupped the back of Poe's head to bring him closer, then slid their lips together in a slow kiss. The cold water was really doing nothing to dampen his excitement. “Situation went FUBAR, you know how it is. But I had a good team around me. They got me out. Took a lot of time in rehab learning how to walk again, but I did it. It's... If it disturbs you, I can try to remember to put my shirt on.”  

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. It’s your body, show it or don’t, whatever feels right. I was just—surprised, that’s all.” Poe tentatively set his hands on Finn’s sides, unsure where or how to touch him without his shirt. “I’m glad they got you out. Glad you recovered.” He kissed Finn again, then broke away with a quick laugh. “It’s dashing, that’s for sure. Sure to attract some nice young man.”  

Finn gave him a little half smile, and pulled his arms closer, where they'd always landed before. Tentatively, he felt Poe's fingers slip over his scars. “There you go.” Finn ran his own hands up Poe's chest, circling around his neck, pulling him closer. “How’m I doing so far? Attractive enough yet?”  

“Jesus.” Poe leaned in against the chill damp of Finn’s chest and closed his eyes. “Any more attractive, and I might spontaneously combust.” Finn’s scar was puckered and jagged beneath Poe’s fingers, slashing across the smooth skin of his back. But awful as the scar was, it felt like a natural part of Finn, marking his survival. 

_ Getting sentimental in your old age, Dameron?  _ Poe shook his head to clear it. “Race you to the floating dock out there.” He pointed over Finn’s shoulder.  

“You're on,” Finn said with a grin. He watched Poe's lithe body cut through the water. Damn, he was never getting tired of that view.  

Poe could hear Finn one stroke behind him the whole way to the dock. Finn was obviously letting him win, like the sweet chivalrous noble-hearted  _ jerkface  _ he was _.  _ Ready to defend his honor by—by—by getting Finn back somehow, he’d figure out the details later—Poe hauled himself up onto the edge of the floating dock. He clambered up onto the sun-warmed boards and slipped to the side as bright hot pain shot up from his knee.  _ Shit fuck goddamn.  _ Poe curled into himself on the dock, clutching it in agony and clenching his teeth against a groan.  

“Poe? Poe!” Alarm entered Finn's voice as he slowly tried to work out what had happened. Automatically he began to run through field first aid, running his hands over Poe’s slick skin, searching for injury.”Where does it hurt, baby?”  

Poe jolted at the sudden touch and grabbed the attacker’s wrists to shove him away—shit, right, he hadn’t been alone. That was just Finn. Poe dropped Finn’s wrists, let his head thunk back onto the wet boards, and shut his eyes against a wave of humiliation. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m fine. Just my fucking knee.” He tried to massage it, thinking longingly of rolling back over the edge of the dock and hiding underwater until Finn left.  

Finn sat back on his haunches, trying to process. He should have known better then to touch Poe without his consent, he'd just been so worried. Still, his voice was full of pleading when he spoke again. “What can I do to help?.... Please let me help…” The last part was barely audible, Finn feeling Poe's rejection keenly.  

“I’ll be ok.” Poe carefully took a hand off his knee and patted towards Finn’s leg, finally finding his thigh. “I just—fuck. I’m supposed to be careful about angles and shit. Putting weight on it the right way. Got distracted.” He tried to move and flinched as his knee throbbed again. “Sorry,” he sighed. “Didn’t mean to be a downer. It’ll be all right. I just need to, I don’t know. Massage it, and shit.”  

Finn crawled a little closer to Poe, reaching out tentatively again. “I could...help? I, uh. I've been told I have good hands.”  

Poe squinted up against the sun, realized that Finn’s crotch was directly in his field of vision, and closed his eyes again. “Um,” he coughed. “Yeah? If you want to? That—” He could imagine Finn’s hands all too well, on his knee or anywhere. “That would be really nice. Thank you.”  

Poe's skin was already warming from the midmorning sun. Finn placed his hands slowly on the skin of the injured knee, noting a twisting scar there himself. Appropriate, he thought, that the man he was falling in love with was also a fallen soldier. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to end up with anyone else, anyone who didn't understand.

Carefully but firmly, he massaged the joint, watching Poe's face ceaselessly for signs of pain. Poe grimaced, but that was the nature of a therapeutic massage; Poe didn't say anything, so Finn kept going, fingers deep into Poe's thigh now. Poe's dark eyes were on his, intent, and then Finn thought of a billion other things he could be doing with his hands right now that would make Poe gasp with pleasure, not pain. He hesitated, realizing how close his fingers had gotten to the juncture of Poe’s thigh.  

Poe had a weakness for Finn’s hands, all right? They were distracting enough in the garage, rolling tires and gripping pliers and gesturing animatedly as Finn talked. On Poe’s knee, Finn’s hands were warm and strong and focused and _ gentle,  _ everything Poe had ever imagined in order to endure a painful massage. 

Fortunately, the pain had been intense enough to keep his cock from taking any interest in the proceedings—but with the heated light in Finn’s eyes, that might not last long.  _ Don’t get any ideas,  _ Poe griped at himself.  _ We agreed to go slow. Don’t scare the kid.  _

“Thank you,” he croaked instead. “You’re a miracle worker, you know that?”  

Finn’s grin was quick, his laugh short. “Like I said, good hands.” He held them out and waved the fingers. “Magic.”  

“Damn straight.” Poe carefully tested his knee, bending it back and forth until the joint moved as easily as it was ever going to.  _ “Thank  _ you. Oh, man. Can I keep you on retainer, or something? I’m sure I can find a way to repay you.” __

Poe's motions brought him closer to Finn, meaning Finn barely had to move before his lips were brushing across Poe’s. “It's my pleasure. Sincerely. You are… I've been wanting to get my hands on you for a stupid long amount of time. And you are... Everything I was waiting for.” He cupped Poe's cheek tenderly, rubbing his thumb across the stubble there. “You said before, you were surprised by this… That you didn't know I was interested. So... I'm working really hard to make sure you know, ‘kay?”  

Poe stared at Finn for twenty minutes, or at least two seconds. “You,” he said, and blinked. “You—” He shook his head. “You're really good at this. You know that?” Poe took Finn’s hand and held it between them like armor. “I don't understand you. I made you feel uncomfortable about your back and then I fucked up and hurt my goddamn malfunctioning knee and then I shoved you away and you've been nothing but nice to me the entire time. How—how do you  _ do  _ that?”  _ And how is it that even after you declare your attraction to me, point blank, I still don't quite believe it?  _

_ Maybe I should talk to someone about that.   _

“I, uh...I don’t know?” Finn frowned, pulling back a bit, trying to self-analyze. “I just like it when people are happy.” He chewed his lip as Poe continued to look at him, and he began to feel self-conscious, scooting away and hugging his knees, looking out into the lake. “Just...it goes both ways, right? Physically, mentally—we obviously both have problems, and you’ve done a lot of taking care of me. Of being an ear for me. And it goes both ways. I—I’m not some young, starry-eyed idiot, Poe. I’ve seen… enough. I saw more than I wanted to. Somehow I feel like you get that, and if you want to tell me… I’m open.” He watched the sunlight glimmer on the water, frustrated with… life.  

_ Why is it easier to reach out than to accept someone else’s hand?  _ Poe struggled up, carefully keeping his knee half-bent before him, and laid a cautious hand on Finn’s back. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That you’ve seen things. That you’re hurting. I wish I could help. I don’t really know what to do.” He traced a droplet of lake water as it dripped down the curve of Finn’s bicep. 

“Do you take pain pills for it?”  

Poe sighed. “Sometimes,” he admitted. “When it gets particularly bad. Ibuprofen, shit like that. I stopped taking the stronger stuff as soon as I could. Scared I’d get addicted.” He unconsciously traced the line of the scar over his kneecap.  

“Yeah, I understand that, for sure.” Finn covered Poe’s hand, squeezing their fingers into each other. “I get too intense sometimes. It’s why—why I asked for us to slow down the other night. If...if I gave myself free rein, I’d probably have you carted halfway to Vegas right now for an Elvis wedding,” he joked, partially. “So yeah, yeah I’d like to cuddle with you while your knee recovers. But, uh, call me on it when I get to be too much, okay? It’s okay to call me on it.”  

"Oh god,” Poe laughed. “We can’t do a Vegas wedding. My dad would kill me.” The sun glimmered over Finn’s cheekbones, damp from the lake. Poe’s breath caught in his throat for a moment, entranced. “But I’ll tell you,” he murmured. “Ok?” He cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand, pulled him closer, and kissed him.  

Finn let himself sink into the kiss, so happy. He inched closer, preparing to take the kiss deeper, when he froze, a sharp pain in his … yup, that was definitely his ass. He winced and broke the kiss. “I think I just got a splinter.” He laughed before he could complete the thought. “In my ass.” He burst into more giggles, laying his forehead on Poe’s chest, shaking. “Obviously I don’t need you to remind me I’m pushing too hard, when the universe is happy to send me a message.” He pressed a kiss to Poe’s collarbone, because it was handy, before shifting, standing, feeling the twinge in his right cheek that meant yeah, something was embedded there. “You want to take this back to our blanket? Or, oh, right, your knee, um...I could carry you to our blanket?”  

“Don’t really want to go anywhere.” Poe blinked up at Finn, drowsy with kisses and sunshine. “Sorry you got some—” he pressed his lips together against laughter— “some wood in your ass, buddy. That sounds—” He lost the fight and collapsed back onto the dock, cackling. “Oh god. That sounds  _ terrible.”  _ He made the most sorrowful face he could, which was only half a hair short of a grin. “Carrying me sounds wonderful, but drowning does not. Can I take the splinter out right here?”  

Finn lost himself in a fit of giggles, sitting back down gingerly and rubbing at his eyes. “I—oh, god. I can’t even.” He tried to get a hold of himself, but couldn’t, still rumbling with giggles. “In all seriousness—in  _ all seriousness _ ,” he said louder when Poe continued to laugh, “yes, please, the wood in my ass is definitely not as pleasurable as it normally is.” He leaned awkwardly over Poe’s lap, trying not to disturb Poe’s knee. “I don’t know if—is this the right angle? How do you want me?”  

Poe propped himself up on one elbow and batted his lashes seductively (he hoped) at Finn. “I want you  _ every way,  _ darling.” He sat up and blinked down at the unbearably sexy rise of Finn’s ass. “Where is it? And, uh. I’m going to need to push your shorts either up or down to get to it. That ok with you?”  

Finn arched his back a little as he pulled one of Poe’s hands to the offending shard. “Go for it. It’s a little sooner than I thought you’d be getting a look at my ass, but I’ll be honest, I was hoping to end up there eventually, anyway.”  

“Well.” Poe smoothed a hand over the hard muscle, mouth dry. Finn’s wet swim trunks clung to his skin in rippling folds like a Greek statue. Poe was suddenly, petrifyingly aware that he was already half-hard, and that his cock was undoubtedly poking Finn’s stomach.  _ Shit.  _

_ Focus, Dameron.  _

He cleared his throat and pushed Finn’s trunks up far enough to see the splinter. “Ahh, that’s nothing,” he scoffed. “You call that a splinter? That’s barely—” He probed at the site. “Yeah, ok, that’s bigger than it looks, huh. Jesus. Ok. Hang on.” Poe pressed the skin down and away, took hold of the splinter, and pulled it out in one short yank.  

Finn didn’t flinch, prepared for it as he was. And, oh Lord, how he really, really wanted to do something about the press of Poe’s cock against his belly, because  _ Jesus _ , it felt good, pressed there, and he felt huge and Finn wanted to feel it everywhere, and this, no,  _ no, Finn, this is what your dad meant by too intense. Too fast. _ He swallowed, and eased back off of Poe’s lap, albeit sadly, and smiled at the man. “Thanks,” he said, a little breathless.  

Poe stared at Finn, momentarily unsure how to people. “Hi,” he said, and blinked.  _ Oh, right. Splinter.  _ “You’re welcome,” he said, begging some blood to return to his brain. He had been pretty sure that if he had just moved the right way, he’d have come just from the friction of Finn’s stomach on his cock. Which would have been  _ horrifically  _ awkward, please no, deep breath, ok. 

Poe tossed the splinter into the lake, smoothed Finn’s shorts back down over his ass—regretfully—and patted the spot. “That feel a little better?”  _ I could kiss it better.  _

_ Bad idea.  _

_ I could, though.    _

_ BAD IDEA, DAMERON. _

“So,” Poe coughed. “I should stay put for a little while. Take it easy. Until my knee’s a bit steadier. Feel free to go swim, or whatever—I’d love the view, for sure. But, um. You said you wanted to—to get your hands on me, or some shit. Do you want to, um. Do you want to come cuddle with me?” 

Finn worried his lip. “Are you sure I can’t do anything else for your knee?”  

“It’ll be fine. Thank you.” Poe shifted to lie down on the dock, parallel with Finn. If his cock wouldn’t lie down and behave, it could at least stick up in his shorts where it wasn’t bothering anyone but him. He ran a hand down Finn’s chest, down to the lean slope of his abs. “Just need to rest it a few more minutes, then I can swim—well, carefully, I guess. But really, you can go do whatever you’d like. Silly to come all the way out here and not enjoy it.”  

“I don’t know. I’m enjoying myself just fine.” Finn scooted —carefully this time, no need to repeat himself with the sliver incident —closer to Poe, leaning into his side. “I think I need to properly thank my medic,” he flirted, lips a hair’s breadth away from Poe’s.  

“Your medic was just doing his humanitarian duty,” Poe managed, dazed. “But, um.” He stroked the damp bristle of Finn’s hair. “Kisses would be—” He nestled closer to Finn and closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of Finn’s body soak through his skin. “Would be nice,” Poe said faintly, and pressed his lips to Finn’s.  

“Kisses,” Finn started, pressing his lips to Poe’s neck, “Kisses, I can do.” He lingered over Poe’s neck, loving the sweet taste of the lake water on his skin. “God, you’re just. So—" He nuzzled up, along Poe’s jaw, over the scratchy hair there that would burn him if he rubbed too hard —if Poe rubbed too hard elsewhere,  _ ah God. _ Finn moaned a little against Poe’s lips, before taking them again. “Delicious,” he settled on. “You’re so delicious.” He eased down into a more comfortable position, feeling the warmth of the sun drying the skin of his back. “Wanna.” He arched his hips away from Poe, trying not to grind into his side, get himself off, no, that would be a really bad idea on a first date. On a thirty-eleventh date, though… No. “Wanna just stay here forever,” Finn mumbled, then settled in to do precisely that, letting the sun bake them as they made out, the only sounds their gasping little breaths and the lapping of the water against the dock.  

“Me too,” Poe whispered. Finn’s chest pressed against his, slick with lakewater and warm as the sun on his shoulder. The wake from a passing motorboat rocked the floating dock in place, straining against its anchor, cradling them above the waves. Poe stroked Finn’s waist and pulled him closer, fingers splayed across the broad muscles of his back.  _ We could stay here forever, couldn’t we?  _ Poe wrapped a leg over Finn’s hips, not  _ quite  _ rubbing off against him, but oh god their bodies just fit together so perfectly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d made out like this—years? Ever? He’d never felt so safe in someone else’s arms.  

When Finn felt like he might burst, he slowly eased back, pillowing his head on Poe's chest and closing his eyes. His hand settled on Poe's stomach, and he tried not to play with the rough patch of hair there. When he spoke, his voice was slurry with sleep and pleasure. “We can make this dock our home. No need to go back to land. I have everything I want right here.” Lazily he mouthed over Poe's chest, nudging at a nipple with his lips, then backing away, content to just fall asleep there in the sun. Last night had been rough. The thought of their date this morning had kept him going through it. Now, the exhaustion caught up with him, and before he really even knew it, he was asleep on Poe's chest.  

Finn’s head was a warm, safe weight on his chest—sound asleep, as though Finn really did trust him. All of the anxiety that had wound Finn into a tense huddle in the back of the garage seemed to dissolve, leaving his forehead smooth, mouth slightly parted in sleep. He was—just— _ beautiful,  _ was all. Poe slowly stroked Finn’s hair, heart filled to the brim with something that bore a strong resemblance to love. He closed his eyes, watched the sun play out across his eyelids, and listened to the distant calls of loons, content to drift above the water in the arms of his boyfriend.  

Finn startled awake, confused momentarily. “Slip?” Then —no, not Slip, of course, and embarrassment flooded across Finn’s cheeks as he realized he'd said one man’s name in the arms of another. He laughed awkwardly, instead. “Jeez, how long was I out?”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lights and I like to call this chapter (set of chapters) "Playing Chicken with Smut" so you can think of that as an alternative title. Also "Let's see who can cockblock more" :D


	4. The Lake - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their date at the lake continues.
> 
> Warnings specific to this chapter: threat of homophobia, past child abuse, possibly implied drinking and driving?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When we last left off, Finn had just woken up and called Poe "Slip"

_ Right. This is why people don’t declare their love for each other on the first date.  _ “Um,” Poe coughed. “Not Slip, sorry.” He shifted out from beneath Finn, sat up with a groan, and scrubbed at his hair. It had dried into a half-flat, half-crazy tangle.  _ Great.  _ But at least his knee was still ok. “Don’t know how long that was. We should, um. Swim back, I guess. Before we bake into a crisp.”  

Finn rubbed at his face. “Sorry. Slip... was someone from my past. Like, before my service. Not a—a boyfriend or anything. Just.” Finn finished lamely, swallowing over the half truth that left a bitter taste in his tongue. “How's your knee feeling?”  

“It’s fine.” Poe took a deep breath and looked at Finn.  _ Mijo, you can be a suspicious jerk about this, or you can let it go and trust him on this.  _

_ Shut up, Dad.  _

“So.” Poe cleared his throat. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for lunch.” He tried on a smile. “What do you think?”  

Finn smiled gratefully. “I think yes. I make a mean sandwich.” He edged his legs over the side of the dock and shivered a little at the cool water, then waited for Poe, watching closely to make sure his knee was working properly.  

Poe joined Finn on the edge of the dock, dangled his feet in the water. “Thank you,” he said, and touched Finn’s arm. “That was fun. Didn’t know how much I needed that. Needed—” he pulled Finn’s face in for a soft kiss— “you.”  

_ Don't get weird, Finn. You can do this. Don't scare him away. Don't show so much.  _ “I'm happy to be needed. It, uh...feels nice, after needing so much from everyone else.” He brushed their lips together again. “Ready?”  

“Well.” Poe grinned at him. “I'm happy to be needed too. Just so you know.” He nudged Finn’s side and looked out towards the shore. “Ok, I think I've learned my lesson about racing, so uh…how about a slow swim back?” He slipped down into the lake— “Fuck, that's cold,” he hissed—and reached up to Finn. “Join me?”  

“You bet.” Finn slid into the water beside Poe, and they began a leisurely swim back. As they reached the shore, Finn watched Poe emerge from the water, curls flattened to his head from the wet, droplets sluicing off his body. Finn slipped a little in the sand, because he’d stopped paying attention to where he was going. “You are...something else, Poe. Magnificent.”  

“You don't need to flatter me to—” Poe stopped mid-step, one foot slowly sinking into the wet sand. He blinked at Finn. “You really mean that, don't you,” he said instead.  

Finn flushed. “I do. I—sorry. Sorry. Too intense again.” Finn hurried out of the water and to their blanket, busying himself with setting out their meal and avoiding Poe’s gaze.  

“No, it's—it's nice. Thank you.” Poe settled carefully onto the blanket and helped Finn unpack their lunch. When it became clear that Finn’s nervous energy wasn't going to dissipate on its own, he laid a tentative hand on Finn's arm. “Really, Finn. I'm not—” He shrugged uncomfortably. “Not used being looked at like that, that's all.”  

“Being allowed to look is...something I’m getting used to, too.” Finn unwrapped a sandwich and put it in front of Poe, then opened a bag of chips. “You’re always saying you’re not sure what to do, how to help me. It’s patience that I need.” He let the statement sit there for a second. “And I think that’s probably what you need from me, too. Patience. An acceptance of the idea that we’re probably both going to fuck this up, multiple times.” His hand covered Poe’s. “But if we can remember what we’ve got here, at the core, this… attraction, and amazement, and respect for each other’s boundaries, and figuring out our way how to jigsaw ourselves around each other… I don’t know. Just. I think it’ll be worth it.”  

“You make it sound like we should go get married this afternoon.” Poe leaned against Finn and took a bite of his sandwich. “Patience, huh? Hmm. I think I can do that.”  

“I'm speechifying again, huh?” Finn popped a chip in his mouth. “I'll use my mouth for a better purpose.”  

“You call that a better purpose?” Poe laughed. He leaned in to press a quick kiss to Finn’s cheek. “I can think of a few better things you could do with your—” 

The crunching of feet on gravel jolted his attention away. A family trundled down to the lake, laden with beach chairs and a pair of coolers. “Kaylee!” the mother called, rubbing her sunburnt nose. “Don’t go into the lake until we’re there!” 

Poe hurriedly scooted away from Finn and picked up his sandwich again. “Sorry,” he murmured. “I forgot to ask. Are you out, in public? Beyond the garage, I mean.”  

“I...huh. I hadn't thought about it. You're, uh, my first boyfriend. I'd like that, if you don't mind.”  

Poe’s eyes flicked to the family, then back to where his hands were neatly folded in his lap. “You might get shit for it,” he said quietly.  

“ _ We _ may get shit, you mean.” Finn took a contemplative bite of his sandwich. “I'm comfortable with whatever.” He smiled a little. “Long as I still get to kiss you at the shop.”  

“Always.” Poe smiled back, lost for a moment in the bright glint of Finn’s eyes. “Long as I’m not holding something sharp or hot, because your kisses tend to make me forget pretty much everything else.” He leaned against Finn again, content in the comfortable press of Finn’s shoulder on his—then paused, sandwich halfway to his mouth. “Wait. First boyfriend? Really? Handsome sweetheart like you?”  

“Yeah.” Finn swallowed.  

“Huh.” Poe looked Finn up and down, then took another bite of his sandwich. “Well, then. It’s a great honor, sir.”  

Finn blushed, then leaned over and brushed his lips briefly over Poe’s cheek, masking it as a move to grab the water by him. “Glad to be of service.”  

Poe snagged Finn just as he slid back into place, ran a finger over his lips, and kissed him. “Nope,” he said, letting his arm fall back to Finn’s side. “Not going to get tired of that.”  

Finn felt warm, inside and out. He offered Poe the chip bag.  

Poe plucked a chip from the bag and tipped it towards Finn’s mouth. “Want one?”  

“Yeah,” Finn responded, his voice husky with emotion. He accepted the chip, and his lips just barely touched the tip of Poe's finger.  

Poe flushed and shifted in his seat. “So,” he said, and cleared his throat. “What do you want to do with your life, my brave hero? What would you have been doing, if I hadn’t roped you into working at the garage?”  

Finn looked at the food he'd made, and had to suppress the secret desire, deep down. He shrugged, hope it came off as nonchalant. There was no way some kid like him was ever going to culinary school. “Not really,” he murmured. “I like the shop, like working with my hands.”  

“Huh.” Poe took another chip and thought for a moment. “I mean, I like having you there, don’t get me wrong, but—you’re too young to settle, man. You’re smart, you’re kind, and you even have the G.I. bill to help you pay for some school. What would you do, if you could? What’s your dream?”  

Finn frowned. “I don't… I'm not settling.”  

Poe closed his eyes to enjoy the sun for a moment. “When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?”  

“Away from there,” Finn replied before he could stop himself. “I mean, uh—" He floundered, then fell silent.  _ Might as well stick with the truth. _

Poe rested a hand on the small of Finn’s back, throat aching. “Sorry, buddy,” he murmured.  

“It’s...uh...not okay, I suppose, but it’s over now, at least? Let’s just say you don’t have to worry about meeting the parents.”  

“Well. If they’re the ones who said you couldn’t be any more than a mechanic—a sexy mechanic, but still—then fuck ‘em all over again. But—I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about them. Shouldn’t have brought it up. Um. Anyway.” Poe squinted at his sandwich. “Are these herbs? These green things.” He plucked one out and examined it. “That’s an herb. You put herbs in my sandwich.”  

Finn chewed thoughtfully. _Why do I have to listen to anything_ he _said to me?_ **_Because father knows best, boy._** He shook the dark voice away. “Yeah, you philistine. Herbs. They make things tastier?”  

“You put herbs,” Poe repeated, “in my sandwich.” He took another bite. “It  _ is _ tastier,” he said. “It's brilliant. That's it. From now on, you're cooking us all lunch.”  

“Okay,” Finn laughed. “Sure.” He shook his head. “It’s just  _ herbs _ , Poe. Anyone can do it.”  

“Um, hello, you saw the extent of my cooking skills. I can chop an onion and microwave leftovers, that's about it. I even burnt eggs the last time I tried to cook some.” Poe nudged Finn’s side. “You'd probably put herbs in that too, huh.”  

“The trick to eggs is a medium heat. And yes. Yes, you put stuff in them.” He rolled his eyes, sure Poe was pulling his leg. “Am I going to have to cook you breakfast, just to show you?”  

“Hey, I can make breakfast!” Poe protested. “Bowl. Cereal. Milk. Win.” He held the bag of chips out to Finn. “But, um. If you ever wanted to—like—stay over. Maybe you could show me how. So I don't embarrass myself with my horrible hosting skills the, uh. Next time you come over.”  

The thought of spending the night with Poe, instead of by himself, the possibilities of such a night… left Finn breathless. “Yes, please,” he said, almost at a whimper, then coughed. “Yes, that’d be nice,” he tried again, trying not to sound desperate.  

“Yeah?” Poe flicked his eyes at Finn. “Well.” He tried and  _ utterly  _ failed to suppress a smug smile. “Whenever you want, man. Well, ok. With a little advance notice so I can shove my dirty laundry into the closet.”  

Finn laughed, delighted with Poe, and leaned over again to steal another kiss. “You’re adorable.”  

Poe flushed down to his chest. “Takes one to know one?” He grabbed the back of Finn’s neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, breathless and aching.  

Finn’s hand slid up, over Poe’s stomach, and around his side, pulling them closer together as he sank deeper into the kiss. With everything over the course of the morning, Finn’s cock sprang to life again quickly, and he had to stop himself from rolling his hips into Poe’s, had to remind himself there was a family close by. “Ahh, fuck, Jesus, you’re so fucking—I just want—Fuck.”  

“Really.” Poe pulled back just far enough to look at him. “You know,” he said, “I quite agree.”

“Watch it, Olivia!” the mom shouted. Poe cut a glance at the family, startled to remember that they weren't alone. The dad was halfway through a beer and the mom was distracted between a paperback novel and the pair of girls shouting in the water, but—in their conservative rural town, it was probably better to be safe than sorry. 

Poe reluctantly dropped his hands from Finn’s shoulders and sat back again. “Maybe—maybe. Maybe—some other time?”  

“No ‘maybe’ about it, I hope.” Finn’s voice had deepened with want. “Do you—do you need to be anywhere? I’ve taken up a lot of your time today.”  

“The hell else would I do on a Saturday? No one I'd rather be with.” Poe took Finn’s hand again and squeezed it. “I mean, tomorrow I have to do groceries and laundry and have lunch with my dad so he doesn't worry about me too much. But, um. Today? No plans.” He cocked an eyebrow at Finn. “How about you?”  

“Nothing.” Finn brought Poe’s knuckles to his lips, then turned to the picnic bag. “Would you like dessert? I wasn’t sure what would hold up in the heat, so it’s just a fruit salad, uh, with a little balsamic, and some cheese.” He speared through a perfect bite, and offered it to Poe.  

“It's a what with a what and a what? Who the hell  _ are _ you? Never mind, I'm just going to say thank you like my dad raised me to.” He accepted the bite from Finn and pondered it. “Yeah, ok, that's really good. You're hired.”  

Finn took a bite for himself, pleased with how the flavors had marinated together. “So, you and your dad are close, huh?” He offered up another bite to Poe.  

“Yeah? I mean, we try. It's just been the two of us, for years now. It's hard to get in contact with my dad's family, in Cuba, and we go join my mom's family for holidays and shit, but they're too far away to visit often. So. He's—sort of my whole family, at this point. We make it work.” Poe hesitated. “How'd you meet Rey? I've never really spent any time with her. Outside of group, I mean.”  

Finn laughed. “It’s—It’s a weird story, but okay. So you know how the meeting lets out late, right? A couple months ago, I say goodbye to you, and I’m walking home, and I see Rey being mugged. Like full on, the guy is waving a knife in her face, and I’m pulling out my phone to dial 911 and walking over, going in for the rescue, right? And she takes that cane of hers, you know the one, right? She takes the cane, and just  _ smashes _ the guy in the face. Knocks his knife away, too, and leaves him in a heap on the ground. I ask if she wants me to call the police and she’s just like, “Nope, I’m good.” She’s  _ amazing. _ So I asked her if she’d walk me home.”  

“Wonderful,” Poe cackled. “Why am I absolutely not surprised? I'd love to have her as my bodyguard.” He sobered for a moment, realizing how she must have acquired combat skills like that. “Glad you guys are friends,” he said. “And good for you for, well. Attempting to rescue her. Not surprised about that, either.” 

Finn ran his hand along Poe’s leg, not necessarily seductively, but because he could, because Poe was close, and Poe was...well,  _ his _ wasn’t the right way to put it. But it wasn’t exactly  _ wrong _ either. “How come I only seem to surprise you when I’m complimenting you?”  

“I—I don’t know,” Poe laughed. “Um.” He shrugged uncomfortably. “No one—no one  _ does  _ that. Or has done that, really. To me. I’ve—ok, I’ve only had a couple of previous boyfriends, but neither of them talked like that. They were chill, very chill, and I thought it was cool, but—in hindsight—I don’t know. I think maybe they just made me nervous.” He took Finn’s hand again. “I like that you compliment me. I do, I really do. It’s a good kind of surprise.” He leaned in to press a quick kiss to Finn’s cheek— 

“Hey.” The shadow of the man loomed over them. Poe jerked upright and moved halfway in front of Finn, heart pounding. “Do you know how to get to the ice cream shack? Crazy Cones, or whatever it’s called? Got lost last time I tried to drive out there. Kids’ll kill me if I do that again.”  

Finn slid a protective arm around Poe’s waist, pulling him back a bit, so they could face the man equally. He felt Poe’s breath quickening. “Uh, I’m sorry, I’m not from here.” Unease prickled over Finn’s skin. Hadn’t the man been drinking?  

Poe forcibly unclenched his fingers from their deathgrip on Finn’s hand. “It’s, uh. If you take a left on route seven, and then a right on Sawyer, just past the big farm—you know, the one with the leaning silos? It’s just over the hill there, behind the retirement home.” God, he’d really thought the man had been about to cuss them out for kissing. 

“Huh. Gotcha. Think I drove right past it last time.” The man started back towards his family, flip-flops slapping against the sand. “Thanks!” he called over his shoulder. “Have a good one.”  

Finn sat rigid, unable to relax, trying to tell from their blanket if the man was weaving, how much the man had had to drink. He watched the man interact with his family, eyes intent.  

“Sorry I freaked,” Poe said quietly. He followed Finn’s gaze to the family, where the mom was now wading with the girls as her husband stretched out on a towel, fast asleep. “I thought—it’s all right. It’s ok. Hope I didn’t hurt your hand.” He tried on a self-conscious smile.  

“What? I—Oh.” Finn shook himself from his distraction. He looked down at the hand Poe had been squeezing, then showed it to Poe, waving the digits. “Magic fingers, still intact,” he said with a smile, calming when it appeared that the man was not going to be driving right away.  

“Ok, phew.” Poe grinned at Finn and tried to relax again. “Because  _ that _ would have been a tragedy.”  

Finn glanced back at the family one last time, then turned back to Poe, running those magic fingers lightly over his leg. “Would you like to go someplace a little more comfortable? I mean. I’m not sure I can get more comfortable than falling asleep on your chest, but…” He nodded toward the family, then back at Poe. “Somewhere where we feel comfortable being us?”  

“Yeah,” Poe said abstractly, staring out across the lake. “Sure. But he was ok. They’re ok.” He shook his head. “I always expect the worst, but people…keep surprising me. The world’s changing. I like it.”  

Finn smiled and sighed, resting his forehead against Poe’s. “I like it, too. Because I like you, and I don’t particularly want to keep it hidden anymore, now that I...I can have you.”  

Poe kissed Finn’s nose. “You,” he said, “are a sweetheart. An absolute sweetheart.” He tangled his fingers in Finn’s again. “And I’m sorry you had to hide it before.”  

Finn snorted a little. “I was going to say something like, ‘I’m sorry your exes were so horrible at letting you know how wonderful you are,’ but you know what? I’m not. Not.” He pressed their lips together. “Sorry.” Another kiss. “One.” Brush. “Bit.”  

“Eeeep,” Poe may have said, but that would be far too undignified for a responsible adult to say, so he didn’t, of course he didn’t. He just wrapped an arm around Finn’s waist again, drew him closer, and kissed him as thoroughly as he possibly could.  

“Really—” Finn groaned, panting, when they broke the kiss, then immediately sought Poe’s pulse point and pressed kisses there. “ _ Fuck. _ You’re driving me crazy, Poe.” He pulled away, trying to stop himself, slow down, then immediately rushed back in again, returning Poe’s kiss with an equally fervent one of his own.  

By the time Poe finally broke off for air, his ears were ringing like he had jumped deep into the lake. He kept Finn’s face close to his, thumb brushing over his cheek. “Place,” he said, hoping like hell he was speaking English. “Comfortable. More comfortable place. Go. Let’s—we should go? Should we go? Here.”   

Finn groaned again at the sound of the heated confusion in Poe’s voice. “My only problem with this plan is that we’re both going to frighten the little kids when we get up.” He brushed lightly over Poe’s thigh, not quite touching the obvious bulge there. “Zee svim trunks, zay do nuffing,” he joked in accent, trying to readjust himself discreetly, keeping an eye on the family near them.  

Poe choked on air.  _ “Jesus,  _ Finn,” he hissed. “That’s not going to help.” He took a deep breath and straightened in his seat. “Ok. Ok. We can do this. Should I tell you the story of when my dog died when I was eleven?”  

The laugh burst out of Finn before he could stop it. “Oh, oh god. Sorry. Sorry. Dog death, not funny. Just—" The giggles hit him again. “Sorry. Just—the circumstances, I think.”  

“It’s ok, man.” Poe ruffled Finn’s hair and started putting their lunch away from his seat, trying to find a way to sit that didn’t drag his cock against his swim trunks. “Not funny, no, but it has been useful on, uh. Occasions like this.” He winked at Finn.  

Finn swallowed down the rest of his giggles and concentrated on helping pack up. “Uh, or...I could carry the bag in front of me, and you could carry the towels. I don’t know, though, that might not be enough cover.” He winked and waggled his eyebrows at Poe.  

“You are the  _ worst.  _ I don’t believe it.” Poe shook his head. “What happened to that nice young man who dressed up in a suit with a pocket square to interview for a job at a garage? I miss him.”  

“I can dress up all fancy for you again. Second, thirty-twelfth date —you and me, fancy suits, fancy restaurant? There’s a few places I’ve been dying to try.” Finn lifted the bag up onto his shoulder, then maneuvered it so it hung over the offending bulge, which had subsided somewhat, but was destined to stay put at least somewhat, as long as a half-naked Poe was within grabbing distance.  

Poe shrugged his shirt back on, snapped the sand out of the towels, folded them up, and arranged them as needed for suitable camouflage. “Now  _ that _ sounds like a deal.” He stepped into his sandals and headed back up the path to their car. “But, um.” He snuck a glance at Finn—and lost his train of thought for a moment in the play of light and shadow across Finn’s face beneath the sunlit trees. “I think,” he managed at last, “I would want to take the suit right off you as soon as I saw you in it.”  

Finn shook his head and laughed. “Yeah, well, the thought of you dressed up has kept me up at least one night, so I guess it’s just retribution. Then again, the thought of you dressed down...like wearing your jumpsuit tied around your waist, face and tank top splattered with oil...Christ, that kept me going for a week, I’m pretty sure.”  

“Really.” Poe stopped and stared at Finn. So did his cock, beneath its fortress of towels. “Huh.” He started up the path again with a big stupid grin on his face. “Well. Right back atcha, buddy. That first time I saw you in coveralls and boots, toolbox in your hand, I might possibly have had to duck back into the office for a sec.”  

“Yeah?” Finn swallowed. “S’pose now’s a bad time to tell you about my fantasy of you taking me against that work station of yours?” He colored. “The boots, uh...the boots stay on.”  

Poe threw the towels into the trunk, wiped his forehead, and pointed a finger at Finn. “You are the _WORST._ I have to _drive_ now! Man, if I could just point a boner in the right direction and teleport home, I would. But I can’t. And I’m pretty sure you can’t either. So just hush and—” Poe stopped and thunked his head against the side of the car. _“Boots,”_ he muttered. “Jesus.”  

“Sorry,” Finn replied, not really sorry.  

Poe cut a glance at Finn as he slid into the driver’s seat. “No, you’re not,” he sighed. “But it’s ok. Just—keep a lid on it for fifteen minutes, ok? Then I can resume kissing you the way you need to be kissed.”  

Finn cover his smirk with a hand, then buckled in, placing both hands sedately in his lap. “Sir, yes, sir.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I (BeautifulLights) would like to note that despite Finn and Poe's assumption that the couple would fit into traditional gender roles, the dad (a) conked out for a two-hour nap to sober up, then (b) navigated while the mom drove.


	5. After the Lake - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe continue the longest fucking date in the history of ever. ;)
> 
> Warnings specific to this chapter: panic attacks - the boys trigger each other in this chapter, it's part of figuring out how the puzzle pieces of them work together;

Poe blinked at Finn, looked straight ahead out the windshield, revved the engine, put the car in gear, checked his mirrors for small children, peeled out of the gravel parking lot, jolted up the long rutted drive, and swerved out onto the state route, carefully keeping only one thought in his head at a time. “You,” he said at last, still not looking at Finn, “are going to slay me one of these days. You’re going to do something so fucking sexy that I just faint and topple off the tower into the ocean like that chick in the movie.”  

“Out of respect for our lives, I’m going to keep my mouth shut right now. And just think what I want to say, instead,” Finn said with another smirk. Absently, he checked that Poe’s eyes were on the road, then slipped a hand down the front of his trunks, just wanting a little relief. Just a little. Properly adjusted, he expelled a little breath and kept looking ahead.  

“I heard that,” Poe said.  

“Sorry, I—" Finn paused, closing his eyes in embarrassment. “Sorry.”  

“‘S ok, man,” Poe said softly. He reached out and patted Finn’s shoulder, not taking his eyes off the road. “I’d ask you to help me out, but that really wouldn’t help the situation.”  

“Mmm. Well now I’m thinking about that, over here.”  

Poe braked hard for a red light, knuckles clenched on the steering wheel. “I will get you back for that, I swear to god—”   

“You are _magnificent_ when you’re...whatever this is. Horny? Angry? Driving like we’re on a race track, in total control. Fuck. Do you race any of those cars you fix up?”  

“Not angry.” Poe turned to Finn at last, brow furrowed. “You’re ok. I’m just—” The light changed and he hit the gas again, focusing on the road. “Horny,” he said at last. “Very. Horny. I’ve never—I never understood, before. Movies and shit, where a couple would lock themselves into a bathroom or something because they couldn’t stand to wait to get home to have sex in their actual bed. I mean—I _can_ wait as long as I have to now, I guess. But I don’t particularly want to.” His lips curled up into a brief smirk. “Glad you like it, though.”  

Finn eyed the grip of Poe’s fingers on the steering wheel, the way he wove them in and around traffic, eyes alert, lips still quirked in that smirk. “Oh yeah. I like.” His own hand twitched to creep down, again.  

“Don’t you even think about it.” Poe grinned down the open lane as he swerved to pass a truck, neatly and cleanly and reasonably close to the speed limit. He did not plan to get a ticket today, no sir. “Pilot, remember? I see everything and everyone.”  

Something inside Finn clicked at the command, and the twitching hand stopped, even though he felt like he was about to burst. “Okay,” he said, knowing his voice sounded strained.  

“Two minutes, buddy,” Poe said softly. He touched Finn’s knee, then slapped his hand back on the wheel. Right past the bridge, yield to the other lane, slow down and wait for a gap in traffic, turn up the road, left, left again, pull into the short driveway, wait for the garage door to lift, slide into place. Poe yanked up the brake, clicked the engine off, and stared out into his messy garage, fingers clutching the keys. “Welcome back to my house,” he said.  

If you’d asked him, Finn would have been embarrassed to admit that his chest was literally heaving with how turned on Poe had gotten him. They sat there, in the dark garage, in silence, for another ten seconds, before Finn burst into action, desperately hitting at the button to release his seat belt and trying to open the car door, then thinking better of it and turning to Poe, practically lunging across the center console to get at his lips. God, he thought he might _die_ without those lips.  

Poe clung to Finn and kissed him back for all he was worth. “Wait,” he rasped at last. He broke off the kiss, grabbed Finn’s shoulders, and hung on tight, gasping for air. “You said,” he panted, “you wanted to take this slowly. That you weren’t in a good headspace for this right now. I’ve just been—rushing forward and I—I forgot that, I’m sorry. I can drive you straight home if you want. Or—or anything. Whatever you want. To do. It’s ok.”  

Finn let himself breathe, eyes intent on Poe. Slowly, he came to a decision. “You—you are. Quite possibly the best man I’ve ever known.” He rested his forehead against Poe’s. “And so, I’m going to let you make a choice too.” His hand settled on Poe’s hip. “I’m going to come, quite possibly in my pants, like a thirteen-year-old.” He smiled ruefully, then cupped Poe’s cheek. “Whether I come at home, all by myself, or in your arms—that’s the decision we need to make right now.”  

“Jesus,” Poe croaked. “Don’t _talk_ like that. I’m not even sure I can make it into the house before I explode, at this rate.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then another. “Well,” he said at last. “If you’re asking. What I want to do.” Finn’s shoulders were warm and strong and distractingly well-muscled. Poe rubbed his thumb into the sun-warmed seam above Finn’s collarbone, then sighed. “I want to do—something—with you. Now. Sex, or—or anything. I want to touch you, I want you to touch me, I want—I want a lot of things. But I’m serious. It’s not my decision. It’s yours. What are you comfortable with? What do you want to do? Nothing, or—or not now, or—or anything like that, those are good answers too.”  

“I want… How do I put it into words? I want...everything. With you. Not today,” Finn laughed. “Just sometime. And I don’t want it to just be physical. That’s why—that’s why I asked to slow down. Because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who can just walk away because all I am to them is a dick.”  

Poe’s eyes widened. “Fuck them,” he growled. “You’re not—god.” He cradled Finn’s face in his hands. “You’re so much more than that. I swear to you.”  

Finn nodded even as his lip trembled. “ _Best_ man.” He leaned forward, capturing Poe’s lips again, then winced when the gear shift ended up gouging him in the side. “Uh. I want—I need you to touch me. But maybe we could move this to that couch you offered me before? Or the bed?”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at him, lit with joy. “That’s—that’s great. That’s awesome. That’s so great. This—this is good. Really good. We could definitely move this to a better spot. Um. Shit. I think the couch is still covered in last quarter’s books and payroll and shit. Bed’s ok?” He pressed one last swift kiss to Finn’s forehead, fumbled with his seatbelt, and clambered out of the car.  

“Bed is _so_ okay.” Finn followed Poe through the door, then, impatient, pressed him against hallway wall and took his mouth again, rolling his hips into Poe. “Right,” he gasped, breaking off. “Bed.” He pushed away from the wall, pulling off his shirt.  

“Hnnnngh,” Poe said, or something like that. Legs. Did his legs still work? He led Finn down the short hallway to his bedroom—“Hang on,” he said, and shut the door behind him for a frenzied sixty-second cleanup. Laundry successfully wrangled into the closet, he opened the door again and tugged Finn back in—right, he’d taken his shirt off, fucking hell Poe really was going to explode right then and there, wasn’t he?

Instead, Poe shut the door behind Finn and pinned him to the wall, one knee between his legs. He kissed Finn the way he’d needed to kiss him, back at the lake—until they were the same person, breathless and trembling—until Poe had to brace both arms against the wall to hold his shaking legs up.   

Finn wasted no more time sinking his fingers exactly where he’d been wanting to all along, running them down Poe’s back and then squeezing into his ass, boosting Poe up on him as he leaned against the wall. “Skin,” he mumbled in between kisses. “Want. Skin.” He grabbed a hold of Poe’s thighs better, wrapping them around his waist.  

“Hang on.” Poe slipped out of Finn’s grip and stepped back, heart pounding. “I should have asked. I’m sorry. Is there anything I should or shouldn’t do? Or touch?” He reached back to take Finn’s hand, already missing the contact.  

Finn clung to his hand like it was a lifeline. “I like to top and bottom. My body is pretty much open game, although some positions for my back are tricky. I, uh, well, I’m triggered by loud noises, so as long as your dick doesn’t blare like a trumpet when you come, I think I’ll be okay.” He tugged a little on Poe’s hand, then swept a kiss over his forehead. “You just—you just keep proving to me that I’m making the right choice here. I’ve never...never had anyone care about this stuff.”  

“A trumpet,” Poe cackled. “God, I hope not. That would be awkward.” He kissed Finn right back, short and sweet. “And fuck ‘em all over again. Assholes. Glad you’re rid of them.” He took a deep breath and braced his feet beneath his shoulders. “I, um. Am the same, I guess. Well, I mean. Substitute knee for back, is all. And, um. No, um. No.” He bit his lip. “No breathplay. Or hand on my throat, or covering my mouth so I can’t breathe, or anything like that.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I think that’s it. I haven't, um. Been with anyone. In…a few years. So. I might be a little out of practice?” He laughed self-deprecatingly. “Hope it’s like riding a bike.”  

“You’re doing great. Better than.” Finn nosed into Poe’s neck, letting his lips play over the skin there. “Now can I see some skin?”  

“Right,” Poe croaked. “Skin. Yeah. Ok.” He yanked off his shirt, grabbed Finn’s arms, walked them backwards to the bed, and sat down. “Can I,” he said, and completely forgot the rest of his words. He tugged on the drawstring to Finn’s swim trunks instead, hands shaking.  

 _“Please.”_ Finn wasn’t sure he could breathe anymore, as he waited, tense with anticipation.  

Poe focused on the knot until he managed to get it undone, then slid— _shit holy shit is this really happening holy shit—_ Finn’s shorts down over his ass. Finn’s cock sprang free, already hard and leaking. Poe stared at it. _Shit. Holy shit. We’re really doing this._  

“And you, please?” Finn asked, hand on the waistband of Poe’s trunks.  

“Hang on,” Poe said. “Hang on. Hang on.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Can we. Can we just. Lie here for a little while first?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Finn sat beside Poe. Inside, his lust moved from something desperate to something slower. “Whatever you like.” His hand rested on Poe’s stomach, massaging there, as he watched Poe’s face. Between them, his cock strained, bobbing, and to take Poe’s nervous tension away from it, he kissed him slowly instead. Tried to get back to the kiss Poe had given him moments ago, when he’d been pinned to the wall by Poe’s body, like Poe had been touching all of his pressure points at once.  

“I’m sorry,” Poe said, looking at his feet. _Fucking hell. What the fuck am I doing trying to fool around like this._ _It’s been too long since I’ve even seen someone else naked, it’s too much, I can’t—_ “Can you,” Poe tries, “maybe—”

_No, I can’t. I can’t. This is embarrassing._

_Tell him._

_No, it’s dumb, I can’t—_

_Tell him tell him TELL HIM, you coward._

_Ok, fuck, I’m telling him, ok?_

“The shorts,” Poe rasped. “Can you. Put them—on? Maybe? I’m sorry.” He’d gone soft with the sudden spike of panic, he realized, with a wave of heated shame. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  

The panic in Poe’s voice was like a bucket of cold water, washing over Finn, making his stomach knot, disturbing whatever fragile peace he’d found here. “Yeah. Of course. Of course.” Finn scooted to the edge of the bed, retrieving the trunks and slipping them back on, awkwardly trying to stuff his cock away. He stayed there, fingers kneading painfully into his thighs, looking for some type of distraction. “I pushed too far. I—too intense. Too intense. I’m. Too much for people. I get it.” Jerkily, he got off the bed, wishing he could just will away the lust, will away the hardon, as he walked to the hallway to find his shirt and his sandals. Home wasn’t far.  

“No, no, no! No.” Poe ran into the hallway and caught Finn by the shoulder. “No. Buddy. You’re ok.” He bit his lip, hard. “I’m sorry. I just—I thought I—was ready, and maybe I wasn’t really, I don’t know, I just—panicked a little, it happens—well, it happens to me, often. It’s ok. Can we just—if you want, I mean, if you want to go home that’s completely ok and I’ll drive you if you want to or not if that’s too awkward but um—” Poe sucks in a breath, then hurries on. “Can we just cuddle? That was really nice, on the dock. I really liked that. Can we do more of that, maybe? Now?”  

Finn twisted the shirt in his hands. He wanted to be touched by Poe so badly, it felt like all of his nerve ends were _screaming_ for it. He nodded, slowly—dumbly, he thought. “Yeah. Maybe—" His breath hitched, and he was surprised, baffled, really, at the tears in his voice. Where had that come from? “Maybe not the bed, then. I can help you clean off the couch? Or the kitchen, that was nice.” He was still looking at the shirt, still twisting it in his hands. He didn’t want to look up, was so afraid to see rejection there.  

“Sure.” Poe's voice shook a little. “Whatever you want.” He cautiously reached out and touched Finn’s arm. “You're _ok,_ buddy,” he repeated. “You did nothing wrong. I just—I haven't been touched by, like—anybody, in years, and—I haven't seen anyone naked, either, and I guess I just—it just startled me, that's all. I'm ok. Or, I'll be ok. I just wanted to slow down a little.” He hesitated. “Are _you_ ok?”  

Finn was trying to focus on Poe’s words, really, he was. But everything was getting that wub-wub effect, like he was in water. Like everything was slowing down and speeding up at the same time. His heart was pounding, and he collapsed against the wall, then slunk to the floor. That felt okay, felt more stable. He could handle the world from down here. He laid his head on his thighs and tried to breath, tried to slow his heart. It was just a panic attack. He could do this. He was going to get through this. _For what? What’s on the other side of this that’s worth fighting for?_

He reached, groped blindly for something, anything that was worth fighting this for.  

 _Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit no._ Poe crouched down to meet Finn, heart pounding. “Baby,” he rasped. “You're ok. You're here, in my house. Everything is ok. You're safe.” He took Finn’s hands and held them tight. “You're going to be ok,” he said, as firmly as he could. “We're all safe. You're going to breathe with me now, all right? Come on, let's count.”  

 _Poe. Poe, Poe, Poe._ “On-nnnne.” The first number was shaky, but Finn pushed it out. “Two. Thre—" He made it halfway through three before he needed to take a big swooping breath, and he tried to make it last, watching Poe’s lips as they counted for him. “One. Two. Three. Four.” The success of making it all the way through the count bloomed bright in his chest, beating back the dark voice, the one that liked to tell him he was worthless to everyone, tell him that he might as well give up.

Finn wasn’t sure how many rotations they did before he felt like he was breathing normally again, hands still clutched in Poe’s. He tugged a little on Poe’s hands. “Cuddles, please,” he rasped, watching Poe’s face closely for rejection.  

“There you go, baby. Welcome back.” Poe beamed at him, full of pride. “Feeling a little better?” He stroked Finn’s cheek, glad to see the frantic white of Finn’s eyes give way to his normal warm brown. “Cuddles sound _lovely._ But, um. Can we talk for a moment first? I just—I clearly pushed some kind of button, back there, and I don't really know what it was. I'd like to know so I can try not to push it again. If you know, I mean. If not, that's ok. Or we can talk about it later, if you'd rather. And cuddle first.”  

“Can we cuddle and talk?” Finn's voice was whisper soft.  

“Sure.” Poe rubbed his thumb over the back of Finn’s hand. “Bed? Couch?”  

“...Couch, I think.” Stiffly, Finn moved, as if he wasn't sure of his joints.  

“Ok.” Poe helped Finn up and steadied him on his arm. “Can I get you anything? Water, or tea, or something?”  

Finn weighed his options. If he sent Poe for something, it'd give him a little time to himself, and maybe that was a good thing. But—“I should be the one offering you something. I'm sorry I made this about me.”  

“It’s _ok,_ buddy.” Poe stopped halfway to the couch and turned to face Finn. “Let’s make a rule now, all right? No need to apologize for freaking out. In any way. Ever. You’re ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lights and I continue to play cock-block chicken. *cough* wait did I tell you it was smut chicken before? Oops


	6. After the Lake - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After panicking, Finn and Poe talk, and cuddle.
> 
> Warnings specific to this chapter: Mention of past child abuse and past torture, nightmare/PTSD flashback, discussion of consent vs. rape

“It’s _ok,_ buddy.” Poe stopped halfway to the couch and turned to face Finn. “Let’s make a rule now, all right? No need to apologize for freaking out. In any way. Ever. You’re ok.”  

Finn nodded, unsure of himself still, then collapsed on the couch, so, so tired. Belatedly he heard the crunch of papers being sat on, then tipped his hip up, and tried to salvage the accounts. He ended up just setting the paper awkwardly on his lap.  

“Yeah, ok, it’s a mess, hang on.” Poe scooped up each pile of papers and set them on the side of the room, in roughly the same order he’d had them on the couch. It was a very neat and proper filing system, just…a slightly unorthodox one. “There we go.” Once the couch was clean—well, ok, _tidy,_ he wasn’t going to go searching for coins beneath the cushions until he needed a little extra cash—Poe dusted his hands off and grinned down at Finn. “Now _that’s_ better.”  

Finn half-smiled back, looking up, then taking a deep breath. “You... Your touch right now would...help me a lot. Not—not sexual, sorry. Just—" Finn’s arms felt useless in his lap.  

“Well, then lie down, kid,” Poe laughed, “and I’ll come join you.”  

Finn hurried to his side, pulling one of the couch pillows under his head.  

“There we go.” Poe slid onto the couch beside him and wrapped an arm over Finn’s waist. “That better?” He cautiously kissed Finn’s cheek, still feeling the tension in Finn’s body where it pressed against his.  

Finn closed his eyes, trying to let the warmth of Poe's body soothe him. He settled his arm over Poe's on his stomach, lacing their fingers together. “So, um,” he tried, breath catching in his throat again. He took a deep breath. “So, that's a trigger, then.”

Poe was about to say something, and Finn cut him off. “No. I know that's not good enough. Sorry. But it's true. Rejection... is one of the things my therapist wants me to work on. I've been rejected a lot, I guess. I should have a thicker skin about it.”  

Poe was silent for a moment, thinking that over. “Ok,” he said at last. “I get that. I’m sorry it felt like rejection.” He stroked Finn’s cheek. “I really didn’t mean it that way. At all. I promise you. I—I just needed to slow down for a moment. I was getting a little panicky. Um.” He hesitated. “I’m sorry. I said no because I felt safe with you. I knew you’d stop. I didn’t—I didn’t know it would make you panic. So. I’ll try to be more careful about that. How can I say it better, in the future? Because I’m not going to go along with something I’m not comfortable with in order to save your feelings,” he said, stomach clenching with nerves.  

Finn shook his head hard. “No. No of course not. God. That'd be rape. No. No.” Finn felt a wave of nausea. “I just pushed too hard. I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. I should have walked home. I'm too intense.”  

“Finn. Buddy.” Poe framed Finn’s face in his hands. “Where the hell did that come from? You didn’t push me anywhere! I was right with you, all the way up until that moment, and then I just needed to—to take a breather. Slow things down for a moment. You’re not too ‘intense,’ shit, I don’t even know what you mean by that.”  

Tears were embarrassingly welling up in Finn's eyes. “I feel too much.”  

“What the fuck does _that_ even mean?” Poe brushed a tear from Finn’s cheek. “Sweetheart. You’re ok.”  

“My dad. My dad used to tell me I was too sensitive. That I needed to man up.” He buried his face in Poe's neck. “That I'm too intense.”  

Poe gripped Finn tightly, throat aching. “Fuck him,” he rasped at last. “Fuck all of that.” He shook his head. “It’s ok to feel things, and to feel them intensely. Maybe I can have Jess give you The Talk on toxic masculinity sometime. It’s all a bunch of bullshit, trying to keep people in their places. Keep them _down._ ”  

The fierceness of Poe's statement zinged through Finn’s blood like a shot of espresso. “Please, please, Poe. Never, _ever_ feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do with me, just to spare my feelings. _Please._ ” He leaned back, looking Poe in the eye. “This...sucks but it's survivable. You—you going beyond what you're okay with—that's not acceptable. I'm sorry my reaction made you think—"  

“It’s ok.” Poe put a finger on Finn’s lips. “You’re _ok._ I won’t, buddy. I promise. I trust you. And you’ve earned every damn bit of that trust. All right? I want to do all of those things with you. Just—apparently not right now, or not that fast, or something like that. I mean, we haven’t even made out properly yet. Horizontally, with groping and everything.” His mouth quirked up into a crooked smile. “I just want to know if there’s a better way I could ask you to slow down or stop in the future. One that gets the message across without making you panic.”  

Finn smiled in spite of himself. “What about a...a safe word? Not—not for kinky stuff, not if you don't want, but… Like… A 'tap out’ word. An ‘I need a break’ word. If we could remember... It would work for me, I think. Because it's already pre-established that you're not rejecting me. We just need to slow down or stop or whatever.”  

“Ok.” Poe smiled back, glad to see a little life coming back to Finn’s eyes. “Hmm.” He rubbed small circles into Finn’s back, thinking. “How about the color system? I have to admit I haven’t really done anything kinky before, but I’ve listened to Snap yammer on about it often enough. Green for go, yellow for slow—like, to talk about it, or move back a step, or not go any further, or something like that—and red for stop entirely, clothes back on, timeout. How’s that sound?”  

“I like it. I like you.” Finn nuzzled into Poe's neck again, spirits lifting.  

“Well, good.” Poe’s breath caught as Finn’s lips touched his neck. “I like you too,” he managed. “And that. I like that. Holy shit. Ok. Wait.” He lifted Finn’s chin and looked at him straight-on. “Are we ok?”  

Finn snorted. “God, is that a question we'll ever be able to answer with ‘yes’?”  

“Well.” Poe smiled at him ruefully. “Yes. I really do think so. But, um. In this case, I just meant the two of us, together. Whatever this is. Our, uh. Boyfriend-ness. Is that a word? It is now.”  

“I… Yeah, I think so. I mean, I am.” Finn smiled wider. “Look at us, being adults, working shit out.”  

“Heh.” Poe kissed Finn’s nose. “How ‘bout that? And I think it worked, too.” Now that the crisis was passing, the residual anxiety from his own panic started rappelling up and down his spine, but that was such an everyday occurrence that Poe hardly noticed.  

“So, uh, do you want to talk about yours at all? Your panic, I mean. We don't have to. Just. I monopolized the moment, and now I feel bad.”  

“Whoa there, buddy. We have a rule now. No apologizing for freaking out, right?”  

“Someone's dodging the question, I think.” Finn lightened his statement with a smile. “If you don't want to talk, or you have nothing to add, it's okay.” He cuddled against Poe's chest, content.  

“Oh, I’m fine with talking about it. But I’m serious, you don’t need to apologize for panicking. I, um. I don’t know if there’s anything to talk about, really.” Poe hid his face in Finn’s chest and took a deep breath, enjoying the soap-sweat-spice smell of Finn’s skin. “I just, um. I haven’t been with anyone in years. The guy I was with before I left—to go overseas, I mean—when I came back, he tried and I tried but it just, um. It didn’t really work out. I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t, um. I just—I, um. I couldn’t.”

Poe clenched his fists and relaxed them, trying to re-ground himself.

“I couldn’t really. Keep up a relationship. I wasn’t quite—ok enough. At all. So we split and I just—I got used to the sight of my own dick, I guess. My own, um. Body. So when I saw you naked, I just got overwhelmed for a moment, realizing we were about to, um. Get a lot closer and more personal than I really thought we would today. My brain just kind of—stopped, I guess. I’m sorry. No, shit, I broke my own damn rule.”  

“That's right, Mister,” Finn murmured against Poe's curls. “We don't apologize for our neuroses around here.” He ran his hands up Poe's spine.”Is it bad that it makes me feel better, being able to say _our_ neuroses?” He laughed softly. “I'm really glad you told me that, Poe. Really glad.”  

“Well, good.” Poe cuddled closer into Finn’s side and tangled their legs together. “Glad you’re feeling better.” He just felt _safer_ here in Finn’s arms than anywhere else in the world, anywhere at all. “What do you want to do now?” he murmured.  

“Staying like this forever is pretty high up on the list right now.”  

“Mmm, good.” Poe shifted in place, just to feel the strong cradle of Finn’s arms around his back. He closed his eyes, adjusted his knee, and settled further into the couch. “Because,” he mumbled. “I don’t really want to move anywhere. Like, ever again.”  

“Who needs to move. Highly overrated.” Finn adjusted until his head was in the perfect position, nestled in Poe’s hair.  

“Mmm,” Poe agreed. He breathed in and out slowly, feeling the comforting press of Finn’s arms against his ribcage. Not too tight to breathe, not confining, just…secure, safe, loved. _Ok well maybe not loved, let’s not go too far, but…_ Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s collarbone to say all of the things he couldn’t. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so relaxed, so…  

Finn wasn’t sure how much later he woke, but they were in the same position and the afternoon sun was slotting through the trees. He listened to Poe’s breath blow in and out steadily against his neck. He had the passing thought that he’d slept better today with Poe —twice —than he had in the last eight months. He smiled against Poe’s hair. He wasn’t exactly sure how Poe would take the suggestion that Finn be his permanent sleeping buddy. Better to leave that for now, as a silly, half-asleep, half-awake thought that didn’t need to be voiced.  

_They tightened Poe’s restraints and leaned over him but he couldn’t even hear the questions this time, just the staccato of his breath as they raised the baton and cracked it down over his knee again and it hurt oh god it hurt and he screamed and_

Poe jerked in his arms, pushing away from him, and he would have fallen off the couch if Finn hadn’t reflexively caught him in his arms again, right before he cracked his head on the coffee table. Adrenaline pounded through him as he pulled Poe up into his lap, cupping his head and searching his face. The hormone slammed his heart into overdrive when he saw Poe’s sleep-blind eyes. “Baby, ahhh, Poe, I need you to breathe, you’re not—wake up, baby, please.”

_They shifted his restraints upward and someone was talking but Poe couldn’t understand it and they were going to hit him again and he was going to lose the knee or maybe he already had but his arms were unrestrained now so he growled and fought for his freedom and punched them back and_

Finn took the hit, tried to dodge, but Poe’s fist got caught and it ended up landing on Finn’s eye, anyway. “ _Fuck_ ,” he allowed himself, then stopped struggling with Poe, letting Poe push him away until Poe was curled up in the corner of the couch. Finn’s fingers ached with the need to comfort Poe, but...that’s not who he was to Poe right now. Right now, Poe was fighting for his life, and Finn’s fists clenched at the thought that Poe had ever had to be this scared. He wavered on his side of the couch, unsure of whether Poe would want him there when he finally woke up or not.  

_They took the restraints off altogether and stopped hitting him so he huddled in a corner of the room and waited for them to come try to get him because he was going to go down swinging but no one came to hit him even though he was still in the room on a really soft chair but there were no chairs in the room and definitely nothing soft and he looked around and everything was really bright but no one was shouting and the chair was still soft no wait it was a couch and there was someone else! but he wasn’t attacking and shit wait this is my couch._

Poe touched it and blinked. His couch. And that, right there, that was his coffeetable. And the books from last quarter were against the wall. Why weren’t the books on the couch? They should be on the couch. But they couldn’t be on the couch because he was on the couch. Why was he on the couch?

Poe looked around and— _shit fucking shit_ that was Finn sitting on the other side of the couch, watching him with wide eyes. Poe opened his mouth and closed it again, feeling like he’d tripped down a well into an alternate universe. He ran a finger down the scar over his knee. It was ok. Or, well. As ok as it would ever be. He was ok. But Finn—Finn was here. _And Finn had seen the entire thing._

Poe huddled into himself and tried to disappear. He couldn’t stop shaking. Why couldn’t he stop shaking?  

Relief flooded through Finn as he watched lucidity return to Poe’s eyes. Lucidity and—embarrassment and anxiety. “You’re okay. You’re safe, baby. Poe. You’re safe.” He flexed his fingers toward Poe, then thought better of it. “What do you need?” he asked softly. “I could… hold you. Or get a blanket. Or get you something hot to drink. Oh God, I’m babbling.”  

Poe opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He buried his face behind his knees instead. He wasn’t going to cry. This wasn’t even anything new, not the worst nightmare, by far, why was he crying, he wasn’t going to cry, no, not at all.  

“It’s okay to cry. Shows you’re really here, someone told me.” Finn crept a little closer to Poe, but he wouldn’t touch him without his consent. Fool Finn once… Finn shook his head. “I’m trying to think of when I first met you. I was in a not so great place, either, and you seemed...maybe steady isn’t the right word for it, but you gave me hope. Because whatever you’d gone through, and damn, if I wasn’t curious, you’d survived. Thrived, even, looking at your shop. You deal. You deal every day, and then you come back the next day and fight some more. You, and Jess, and Snap. You all… you’re doing it, ba—Poe. You’re living, which means you’re kicking the ass of whomever did this to you, every day. Such a badass motherfucker. I can keep going. All day if you want. Lord knows you’ve taken my three am phone call and talked me through the darkness more than once.”  

“I’m not, though,” Poe mumbled. “I’m not actually getting better. I’m just better at pretending to be ok.” He reached out blindly until his hand met Finn’s—foot? hand? something—and held on tight.  

Finn covered the hand Poe had placed on his calf with his own. “I think you’re doing better than you think you’re doing. But—it’s okay. Are you talking to someone?” Finn felt the words, Poe’s words, echo through him.  

“Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, I am. Sometimes it helps. But it doesn’t—it doesn’t make it go away.” Poe cracked an eye open and squinted at Finn. He carefully tipped to the side and leaned against Finn, trying to remember what safety felt like. He couldn’t stop shaking, he just couldn’t stop shaking, that was all, he was ok, he would be ok, really.  

Finn slowly eased one of his arms around Poe. “Can I?” He nodded down to Poe’s legs, hovering his hand over, wanting to pull Poe into his lap.  

“Please,” Poe managed.  

Finn was careful around Poe’s injured knee —Poe seemed to be favoring it still —as he brought Poe into his lap, cradling him there, lips resting in his hair again. He felt Poe’s shakes, tried to absorb them into his body. “I don’t think you’re pretending. Or—maybe—I don’t know. I don’t think the pretending is hurting?” He took a deep breath. “I’ve got a nasty voice in my head. That calls me worthless. And tells me things would be better if I just—checked out. If I just gave up. Life would keep going, and everyone would be fine, so why—" He cut himself off. “But if I pretend I can’t hear that voice, then I can make it through another night. And another one.”   

“I’m sorry,” Poe murmured. “I’m so sorry. That you have that voice in your head, that you feel that way, that—” He burst to his feet and paced across the living room. “No one should have to feel that way,” he growled. “Whoever fucking put that thought in your head should—should—I mean, I’m glad you can pretend. I’m so fucking glad. I’m glad it helps. But you shouldn’t have to do that. I’m just so—fucking—”

Poe punched the wall, then punched it again, then spun and paced back across the room. “I had a wonderful morning with you. I wanted to have a wonderful afternoon, too. And then my fucking head goes and fucks it all up and why the fuck do I have to deal with this—fucking—” He punched the other wall. “And you, why do you have to have a panic attack in the middle of a lovely date because of how they fucking hurt you, treated you like shit and left scars and didn’t even care that they were hurting a human being, the most wonderful man I’ve ever met.”

He turned back to Finn and dashed a hand at his eyes. “Why can’t we be ok? I’m so fucking tired of this, I—” He stopped short and blinked down at Finn.

Poe carefully stepped around the piles of papers, walked to the kitchen, pulled a bag of frozen peas from the freezer, wrapped it in a towel, and walked back to the living room. He pressed it to Finn’s eye as tenderly as he could, hands still shaking. “Where else,” he rasped. “What did I—fucking hell.” He cleared his throat roughly. “What did I do.”  

Finn hissed as the cold hit the bruise. “Come back down, Poe, please?” He held a hand out, the other going to replace Poe’s on the bag of peas.  

It was a good thing Finn was holding the peas now, because Poe’s hands were shaking too hard to do anything. “Fucking hell, Finn,” he croaked. “What did I do? What did I _do?”_  

Finn stood, since Poe wouldn’t join him on the couch again. “Don’t wake people having nightmares.” Poe continued to shake, and Finn crept an arm around his waist, trying to steady him. He smiled a little, just an ironic twist of lips, mostly at himself. “Don’t wake people having nightmares. Top piece of advice on “So your spouse has PTSD” or whatever the shit it was called, some self-help brochure I read at the VA once. Because I’m pretty sure I’ve read every single self-help brochure in the VA, waiting in that fucking waiting room for care. I just didn’t think—" He laughed, self-deprecatingly. “I didn’t think about that, when I woke up, and you were about to brain yourself on the coffee table. So, uh. Lesson learned.”  

“I’m sorry,” Poe whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry.” He had no idea why Finn wanted to hug him, but he was grateful for it all the same. He stroked Finn’s arm with one still-trembling finger. “Next time, let me get hurt, ok? You don’t need to let me hit you, fuck, I know you could have dodged that. Fucking hell.” His vision was blurring for some reason, so he closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”  

“I know you are. I forgive you.” _Fuck the peas_. He dropped them, wrapping Poe in his arms, pressing their cheeks together. “Maybe in the future…” He picked up one of Poe’s battered hands. “We can work out a way for neither of us to get hurt. I like to use a punching bag, not the wall.” He hugged Poe again. “And, uh, don’t tell my boss this. But sometimes I go out back and toss tires around until I’m too tired to be angry.”  

“I hate that you forgive me for this.” Poe wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to, he wasn’t, fuck it all, why was his face wet?  

“What do you want to do, let me pop you one to even the score?” Finn brushed a kiss over Poe’s hair, held him as he shook. “Tell me what the right thing to say is, baby.”  

 _I hit you,_ Poe roared at him. _Stop saying nice things to me! Get out of here and find someone who will be gentle with you like you deserve._ Why the fuck was he crying? He didn’t cry, he never cried, not if he could help it. What the fuck was going on?  

“For what it’s worth,” Finn whispered as he rocked Poe gently, trying not to break down into tears himself, “this can’t possibly have been the _worst_ first-thirty-eleventh date in history, right? I mean _someone_ out there probably...I don’t know...killed their date, or something.”  

Poe buried his face in Finn’s shoulder and cried.  

Finn found himself humming as he continued to rock Poe, some nameless tune he’d picked up somewhere, probably.  

Finn's arms loosened something in Poe, something that had been wound so tightly he hadn’t even known it was there. Poe closed his eyes and let himself be rocked. The song Finn was humming seemed like an odd bastard of a pair of Beatles songs, but it was still oddly soothing. Or maybe it was just the low rumble of Finn’s voice in his throat? Either way, Poe could hear his own heartbeat slow to match Finn’s, calm and easy.  

“We okay?” Finn whispered when Poe’s sobs eased into quiet breathing.  

Poe leaned back and framed Finn’s face in his hands. “Why aren’t you mad?”  

Finn met Poe’s eyes. “I am. For all the reasons you listed. Christ, Poe. I’m not...I’m not a saint or something. I want to find and personally kill whomever makes you whimper in your sleep. I want to do it Deadpool style, messy and loud, so they know I’m coming, so I’m the last thing they’re thinking of before I kill them. I want to look them in the eye and say, ‘Regards from Poe Dameron.’ I—" He stopped, taking a breath as he looked away, not wanting to see the surely horrified look on Poe’s face. “But not you. I’m not mad at you, no. You’re not your PTSD. I have to believe that, because if it’s true for you, it’s true for me, okay?”  

Well. That...made more sense than it didn’t. “It _is_ true for you,” Poe said softly. “I promise.” He stroked Finn’s back. “I’m sorry I messed up our date.”  

“Well, again: No one died. I think that sets a pretty good bar for the future, hun.” He rubbed Poe’s back. “And, uh, we’re still on for a fancy dinner, right?”

“Oh god,” was Poe’s instinctive response. “Um. Not tonight, right?” He sighed and thunked his head onto Finn’s shoulder. The casual banter of the morning seemed so long ago. “But yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. Just—not tonight.” Tonight was for huddling into a ball and not thinking about anything at all.  

“Ha, yeah, no. No, I think we should let this date lie in bad date hell, and start afresh another time.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe’s temple, because it was there, because he was so damn adorable.  

“It was so nice, though!” Poe turned his head to kiss Finn properly, because damn it, he had a boyfriend in his arms and Finn needed to be kissed for the rest of his life to make up for the blow to his eye. “I had a really great time. Um. For most of it. Really. The lake, and cuddling, and even the car ride—” He wiped his eyes on his arm and managed at least half a grin. “It was really fun. So, um. We’ll try again another time?”   

“Absolutely.” Finn sank into another kiss, then pulled back. “If you need...anything tonight, an ear, a pep talk, just a steady breath on the other end of the line… you’ll call me, or someone, right?”  

“I will. And you, too. If you ever need anything. No matter what time it is. Ok?” Poe ran a hand over the soft arc of Finn's hair. “Thank you for—for everything. I owe you one.”   

“Oh, I intend to collect.” Finn brushed their lips together, then squeezed Poe tight one last time before pulling away, gathering his stuff, then turned back. “Sorry, was that too flirty? It felt too flirty.”  

“Flirty is good.” Poe grinned at him.  

Finn grinned back, then, because he was a sentimental fool, blew him a kiss from the door. “See you Monday.” Before he could embarrass himself further, he slipped out into the late afternoon air and began his walk home. Within a minute, though, he was fishing his phone out of his pocket.

 **Finn:** :-*

Who the fuck cared if he was a sentimental fool?  

 **Poe:** Is that…oh no. I am about to lose all of my street cred. Help an old man out, ok? Is that a kiss emoji?  

Finn blushed, then smiled down at his phone.

 **Finn:** Yeah :-*

 **Finn:** Old man.   

 **Poe:** Old man? I see how it is

 **Poe:** Dammit

 **Poe:** I will get you back for that

 **Poe:** Just you wait

 **Poe:** (but also :-*)  

Finn smiled, and put his phone back in his pocket.

His apartment felt heavy with silence, but not oppressive. He went to the freezer, pulling out his own ice pack, and settled it on his swelling eye. It wasn't going to be bad. Hopefully gone by Monday, before Poe could freak out about it over again. As he sat down on his couch, pondering his evening options, he realized that he was already missing Poe. He shook his head at himself and turned the tv onto something mindless.  

Poe rattled around his house all evening, attempting to clean and cook and do the things he needed to do, but getting distracted each time his phone buzzed again with a text from Finn. At last it was time to curl up in bed, covers pulled over his head and hallway light on in case he woke up disoriented. As he fell asleep, all he could see was: Finn’s arms around him like armor against the world, Finn’s cheek starting to swell up around his eye, Finn’s laughter lighting up his face, Finn’s hands shaking in Poe’s grasp.

 _Mamá,_ he said. _Now would be a really great time to give me some advice here._

_Call your papá._

_Right. I probably could have guessed that, huh. I was sort of hoping for something a little more poetic than that._

His mother crouched down before him, brushed his bangs out of his eyes, and kissed his forehead. _Call your papá,_ she said.

 _Ok,_ Poe sighed, and fell asleep.  


	7. A Week Passes pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some little connecting pieces before our next big event.
> 
> No specific warnings for this chapter.

Finn pulled out his phone too many times on Sunday, wanting to text Poe his thoughts. Eventually, to keep from appearing too clingy, he forced himself to leave the phone in the living room as he tinkered with a recipe for dinner. He still found himself smiling over his pasta sauce as he thought of Poe’s exclamations of his simple sandwich. 

At work the next day, he got caught up in an oil change, then a coolant flush, then a tire rotation, until it was lunchtime and he felt like he'd barely had a chance to catch his breath.  

Poe made sure to rattle the doorknob and stomp a little to avoid startling Finn as he opened the door to his office and stepped into the locker room. “Hey.” He leaned against the jamb and watched Finn’s ass with healthy appreciation as he bent to pull his lunch from his locker. “You doing all right out there? Can always switch back into the office, if you want. No explanations needed.”  

Finn stole a glance around the locker room, then pressed his lips quickly to Poe’s. It wasn't that he was embarrassed to kiss Poe, it was that Jess’s teasing was  _ relentless. _ But she was buried in her phone, so it seemed reasonably safe. “Hey. I, uh, have extra pasta, if you want? I mean, you don't have to. Just.” Finn laughed at himself. “Sorry. Awkward.”  

“What was awkward about that?” Poe asked, bemused. “You’re fine, buddy.” He pulled Finn closer and kissed him thoroughly, the way he absolutely had  _ not _ been thinking about all morning while working hard like the respectable productive citizen he was. “Pasta does sound good, but I did bring my own lunch today. I even cooked it, aren’t you proud of me?” He patted Finn’s ass and nudged him towards the break room. “Come on, let’s go join the world.”  

Finn’s flush spread across his cheeks along with his grin. He held out his hand, then pulled Poe into his side. “Like how you fit here,” he whispered as they walked.  

“Fit? What do you mean?”  

At first, Finn was going to answer,  _ ‘Next to me, like we're made for each other,’  _ but then he reconsidered. “The garage. You've made it your place, you know?”  

“Huh. Well, I did start it, so I’m not terribly surprised. But, um.” Poe hesitated in front of the break room door. “It does feel a bit like home, now. More than I ever expected.” He swung the door open and waved Finn in. “I hope you can feel the same here, someday.”  

“Well it's better than pretty much everything else I've known.”  

“That’s…” Poe gave the most-busted chair an evaluative kick, then settled into it. “I mean. I’ll take it. But I hope you find a place that’s much better than this junk pile, someday.” 

“What are we talking about?” Jess slammed into the chair next to Poe and put her feet up on the arm of his chair. 

“Dating life, Pava, you got one?”  

Jess shot him a dirty look. “I don't kiss and tell, unlike  _ some _ people around here. Wait, no, you guys don't need to tell, you just do it in front of everyone.”

Finn looked sideways at Poe, who seemed unperturbed, and straightened his shoulders at the microwave. “So that's a no, then?”  

“Tell you what,” Jess drawled, “I’ll talk if you will. Why didn’t you guys get laid—lay each other? whatever the hell you call it—this weekend?”  

Finn dropped his spoon, blushing furiously, then moving to the sink to wash it. “Uh.”  

Under cover of the rush of water in the sink, Poe leaned in toward Jess. “Speaking of laying,” he said, low and final, “you’re going to lay off of Finn.” 

Jess shrugged, unperturbed. “You started it.” 

“You escalated,” Poe said, eyes hard on hers. “Don’t do that. Come bother me in private all you like. Don’t give him a hard time.”  

Cheeks still flaming, Finn turned, spoon clean. “No. No, I uh. I can take it. Of course.” 

Jess eyed him skeptically, then slid her eyes back over to Poe as she took a bite of her sandwich. 

Finn fingered the edge of his pasta bowl gingerly as he pulled it from the microwave, then sat down between Jess and Poe. “I’m just hesitating because I still can’t think straight with how hard Poe fu—"

“NO!” Jess yelled, clapping her hands over her ears. “Oh my god.”  

Poe beamed at Finn, too delighted for words. “I have never been so proud,” he said, and high-fived Finn, grinning so hard his face was starting to hurt. He didn’t care. “You are an amazing human being. How did I not know you had it in you? I’m appointing you to defend me against Jess from now on.”  

Finn’s pounding heart eased as the joke landed, and he did a little flourishing bow in his seat. “It would be my honor, sir.”  

“Lawyer,” Poe said. “You should be a lawyer! Why aren’t you a lawyer? I could see it. Sharp suits and briefcases and sexy shoes.” He took an overly large bite of his sandwich in an attempt to hide his blush at the thought of their upcoming sharp-suited restaurant date. “Aaaanyway,” he mumbled, mouth full, “anything else you wanted to know, Jess? My spokesman is taking questions now.”  

“He’s very considerate, you know, as a lover.” Finn was pleased when he made it through the sentence with a straight face, but lost it at Jess’s expression.

“Okay, okay, yeah. I get it.” Jess rolled her eyes. “Just saying, if you guys insist on doing that lovey, cute shit around here, and don’t get me wrong, it is  _ adorable _ and we’re all very happy for you and oh, by the way, Poe, Snap called first man at the wedding but that is total bullshit and you know it. You promised me that position in Tijuana six years ago. I told Snap to go fuck himself, but would he listen? No.” She took another bite. “Where was I?”  

“Telling me how beautiful and kind I am,” Poe supplied, “and how good a boss I’ve been to you.” 

“Fuck you,” Jess sighed. 

“We could look around for someone to fit your bill, if you ever wanted.” Poe peeled a clementine in one single piece and carefully capped Jess’ shoe with it.  

Jess flicked the peel back at him, then looked over at Finn before Poe could retaliate. “So what’d you bring today, Jamie Oliver?” 

Finn paused, his fork stuck in mid-air. “Uh, sun-dried tomato pesto with chicken.” When Jess’s eyes lit up, he held the forkful of penne closer to her. “Want a bite?”

“More than Dameron here wants to bone you in his office, probably,” Jess replied, opening her mouth and letting Finn feed her.  

_ Doubtful. Very doubtful. I’m not sure anyone could want pasta—no matter how good—more than I want to have sex with Finn.  _ Poe got up to throw out the peel, keeping his back turned to them until he could get his expression back under control. “There will be no boning of anyone in any offices,” he grumbled. “This is a respectable establishment, thank you very much.” 

“Are you maligning sex workers?” Jess gasped. 

Poe buried his face in his hands. “I give up,” he groaned. “I’m going back to work.”  

Jess’s smirk at Finn made Finn feel like maybe he’d snapped into place here, just a little bit more.

* * *

A few days later, Finn was leaning against the door of the garage, which he’d just pulled down to help Poe with closing. He was leaning, because he’d lost his breath, because Poe was still bent over the Armstrong’s engine, a grease rag hanging out of his pocket, his white tank sweaty.  _ Holy fucking shit. _

Finn cleared his throat, and his thoughts. “So, uh, did you find the problem?” There. Those were words. Good.  

“What? Oh. Yeah. I think so. I’ll take another look at it tomorrow, check that everything’s running ok.” Poe turned around and grinned at Finn. “Well, don’t you look nice in those coveralls. Sexy, aren’t they?” He wiped his face and hands, chucked his pliers into his toolbox, and turned to go. “Oh, um.” He turned back to Finn, suddenly nervous. “I just wanted to give you a heads-up. I’ll, uh. Be going to a different group from now on. I just—I thought if, um. If you wanted to say anything, that you didn’t want me to hear. That it would be better if we went to different ones. Is that, um. Is that ok with you?”   

_ Words, Finn. _ “Yes.” At Poe’s blank stare, Finn shook his head. “I mean, yeah, that’s really smart. I hadn’t even thought of that.” He tugged on Poe’s jumpsuit a little, just so he could get his arms around Poe’s waist, and slid their mouths together. “Glad I’m dating a smart cookie.” He lingered at Poe’s lips once more, before pulling back, kissing the tip of Poe’s nose. “Same night? Or? So I can put it in my mental calendar.”  

“It’s on Thursday, actually. At the Lutheran church, down in Islington.” Poe shrugged uncomfortably. “Kinda weird to switch after seven years. But, um. I’ll get used to it. So. You’re going tonight, right?”  

Finn frowned. “Seven—Poe, that’s ridiculous. You stay. I’ll find another place.”  

“Finn.” Poe set a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You don’t need any more disruption, buddy. Anyway, change is—is good for me. Busts me out of my comfort zone. Or, uh. Something like that. Right?” He took Finn’s arm and started back towards the lockers. “Anyway, you’ve got Rey there. I’m not going to break up the dream team, no way.”  

Finn’s fingers squeezed into Poe’s arm. “I don’t feel good about this.”  

“It’ll be fine, buddy. Give you a chance to talk about—stuff—me—us—whatever—without feeling like I’ll judge you for it. So whatever you say actually  _ does  _ stay in the room.” Poe clicked his locker open, then turned back to Finn. “But if you don’t like it, um. I don’t know. What would you rather do?”  

“Just...if you go to this other group, and find you can’t talk there. Just, promise me you won’t like, bottle it up, okay? We’ll find a different solution.”  

“I promise.” Poe smiled at him. “You’re a sweetheart. You know that?”  

Finn pulled them together again, resting his forehead against Poe’s. “So, group for me tonight. Group for you Thursday. I’ve got therapy tomorrow. Am I missing anything?”  

Poe folded his arms across his chest and stared Finn down, determined to keep a straight face. “Think quick, mister.”  

“Hmm, I don’t know…” Finn pretended to tap his finger on his chin in thought.  

“Well, that’s ok. Guess it wasn’t that important. I’ll just put on a good movie instead.” Poe slung his backpack over his shoulder and started out of the locker room, still as straight-faced as he could manage. He clapped Finn on the shoulder on his way out. “Have a good night!”  

Finn caught up quickly, ringing Poe’s waist with his arms and pulling him up against him with a delighted laugh. “I call, I call. You win.” He pressed a kiss into Poe’s neck, nuzzling there. “I can’t wait to go to Chow with you. See you dressed up all pretty. Not that you aren’t extremely handsome in your work clothes. Just that, since you imposed the No Boning in the Office rule, I’ve been trying, desperately, to ignore how hot you look. Failing miserably, too.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “Me too. I think I may have to make an actual sign to remind myself. I meant it about you looking nice in these coveralls.” He ran a hand down Finn’s ass. “Glad you’re looking forward to it. So am I.” Heart thrumming in his chest, he leaned in to kiss Finn’s temple. “It’ll give me something real to picture myself taking off of you, instead of the imaginary suit I’ve been conjuring up instead.”  

Finn raised his eyebrows and his heart quickened a little. “Yeah?”  

“Mmm-hmm.” Poe smirked at him. He locked up behind them, took Finn’s hand, and sauntered out down the sidewalk, basking a little in the afternoon sun. “Say hi to Rey for me, will you? It'd be nice to get to know her better one of these days.”  

Finn bit down on his smile. “She's a character. I'm kind of proud she befriended me, you know?”  

“She’d be crazy not to.” Poe slowed as they approached the corner where they’d have to part to walk to their respective homes. “If you’re half as good a friend as you are a boyfriend, she’s one lucky woman.” He wrapped an arm around Finn’s waist and dipped him into a kiss deep enough to (almost) make up for the long day of reminding himself of his own  _ No Boning in the Office  _ rule.  

Finn rested his forehead against Poe’s when Poe broke the kiss. “Christ, Poe.” He peppered kisses on Poe’s face. “I’ll text you after, 'kay?”  

“Ok.” Poe grinned at him, patted his ass, and took a step backward, reluctant to leave. “Good luck, man. Hope it’s a good night.”  

It was Finn who finally called chicken, grinning wide with a wink before he finally turned away and headed toward his house, whistling.  

It was fucking weird to spend a Wednesday night away from group, to be honest. Poe didn’t really know what to do with himself. He went for a short run, he finished checking the previous quarter’s books and piled them together to file in the office in the next morning, he…just sat on the couch staring through his TV, wondering what the hell he was doing with his life. Finally, he pulled a devotional candle out of the closet, lit it with a quick prayer for Finn, and ordered himself to stop worrying.  

Group felt weird without Poe, to be sure. Their leader assured Finn that Poe was making an adult decision, but Finn still felt weird anyway. He wanted... Sometimes he wanted to have to only say things once, and he was quickly realizing that with Poe gone, Poe wouldn't be catching this more intimate side of him. He frowned, and shared little, only coming out of it when Rey elbowed him in the side and made a funny face as they were leaving. 

His text to Poe that night was simple. 

**Finn:** group was okay. Missed you though.  

**Poe:** Glad it was ok! Missed you too.

**Poe:** Here if you want to talk. If not, good night  <3

**Poe:** I used an emoji! Aren’t you proud of me? I’m proud of me.  

**Finn:** very proud, old man  <3

After group, Finn gave himself the gift of not analyzing exactly how Poe's heart emoji made him feel, beyond “fucking good.”  

Poe didn’t stare at Finn’s text as he got ready for bed, because that would be obsessive and creepy, right? But he might possibly have thought about it. Frequently. With a stupid grin every time. 

And if he looked at it in the deep-cave hours of the morning, trying to ground himself in something real, surely that was all right?  


	8. How are you with blood?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn has an accident in the kitchen and requires Poe's help.
> 
> Warnings specific to this chapter: hospital, accident with a knife, stitches, blood, possible self-harm triggers?

Finn worried about Poe’s group all through the next day, burying himself in work to help him get through the anxiety, then sticking close to Poe whenever he could, trying to not annoy the man even while he felt the compulsion to watch him closely and anticipate all his wants.  

“Finn,” Poe finally said, the fifth time his boyfriend poked his head into the back office to check on him. “I’m _ok.”_ He unclenched his fists, trying not to snap. “Are you? I can take over on the Felders’ van if you want to stay back here for a little. I’ve worked over every inch of that thing by now, I’m sure I can figure out what’s wrong with it. And you did good on the books the other day.”  

Finn slumped against the wall in self-reproach. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re an adult. You’d tell me if—I’m sorry.” Finn held a hand up before Poe could protest. “Not—not an apology for freaking out. Just an apology for disrupting your space.” He looked down at his shoes. “I kind of didn’t realize I was doing it.”  

“You’re ok.” Poe patted his hand. “It’s sweet,” he admitted. “That you care. It’s really nice. Just—I’m ok. I’ll be fine. We’ll talk later, all right?”  

“Alright,” Finn agreed, before blowing him a kiss and getting back to the van.  

Poe stared at the screen for a moment, unseeing. _This is hard. This is really hard. Why is this so much harder than I thought? One of these days, I’m going to fuck this up, and—_

_Yeah, ok, Dad, I can hear you. I’ll stop worrying. Or try to, at least._

Making a few loud mental notes to do something nice for Finn as soon as he could, Poe got back to work.  

The anxiety got the better of Finn that night, and he paced around his small apartment for too long before he finally threw up his hands in disgust and forced himself to go to the kitchen and prep vegetables. As he diced and chopped, letting the actions soothe him, one part of his brain stayed intent on listening for the buzz of his cellphone.  

\--------------------------------------------------------

_“Hey boss, just thought I’d tell you that your boy was twitchy today, and it’s making me nervous. You popped out early this evening so I didn’t have time to tell you in person, so I figured I’d call while you were at group so I didn’t have to actually talk to you.”_

Poe hit his speed dial on the way out of the church, once he’d met spent as much time as he could stand meeting everyone. “Snap, don’t make me call you a coward.”

“I hate phones,” Snap grumbled. “What.”

“What do you mean, twitchy? Flashback-twitchy, or just nervous?”

“Yeah? I don’t know, man. I mean, nothing serious. Just, you know. Flinched when I came up behind him, and all that. And when Jess started doing that two years ago, I ended up with—”

“She didn’t even touch you, Snap. But yeah, gotcha. Thanks. Next time, you come tell me in person, ok? In the office. I’m not there for decoration.”

“And I’m not there to talk to people,” Snap muttered. “But yeah, fine, roger roger, ok.”

“See you tomorrow, Snap.”

“Good night, boss.”

“Quit calling me—” Poe sighed as Snap hung up on him.

 **Poe:** Hey. Group was fine! They seem pretty nice. How’re you doing tonight?  

Finn felt relief rush through him when the notification for Poe’s text popped up on his screen. So much so that he forgot the cardinal rule of dicing — _always_ watch the knife —and then Finn’s thumb was burning, a hot fire, deep, and blood was welling up, and, ah fuck, that was bone, yep, smooth move, Finn.

Hurriedly he wrapped a towel around it, feeling a little sick to his stomach as the blood just continued to seep through the soft cotton. “Fuck. Fuck.” He took a quick breath, in and out, and managed to activate the voice feature on his phone, leaving bloody finger prints behind on it. “Call Poe.”

_Calling Poe._

When the phone line gave the little click of connection, Finn felt relieved. “Poe?”  

“Hey, buddy! What’s up? How’s your—” Poe yawned and shook his head to clear it, exhausted. “How’s your evening going?”  

“Uh, Poe, um. How are you with blood?”  

Poe snapped up from the couch, heart pounding. “Shit, Finn.” _No no no fuck no—_ “Buddy.” Poe leaned his head against the wall and spoke as gently as he could. “What’s going on?”  

“I kind of sliced my thumb open. A lot. I think I need stitches. But uh, there’s a lot of blood, so I didn’t—didn’t want to bother you if—"  

“Ok,” Poe said, breathless. “Ok. Put the razor in the trash, or somewhere you can’t get to it. Find a clean cloth, or paper towel, or something, and press it to the cut, hard. Press it together as best you can. Raise it over your head. Count your breath, think about something nice, if you can. The lake, ok? Think about the lake. And _stay put._ I’m coming to get you.” Poe shoved his feet into his shoes, banged the front door open—turned back, grabbed his keys, went back out, and jumped into his car.  

“Razor?” Finn mumbled, adrenaline from the accident making him feel a little blurry. But Poe had given him instructions, right? Even if they didn’t make sense. So he moved the towel to a less bloody spot and pulled a kitchen chair over so he could rest his hands on the counter above him while he sat. Sat and thought about the lake. That was nice.  

Poe pulled up beside Finn’s house, ran up to the front door, and pressed the buzzer.  

Groaning a little, but happy at least that his feet felt sure under him, Finn trudged the short distance from the kitchen to the front door. He swung it open, smiling widely at Poe even as he held his bundle of hands and blood and towels up.  

“Shit,” Poe said involuntarily. Finn looked like he’d been butchering some small creature, or maybe been butchered himself. “Is that the only cut? I should have asked.”  

“Yeah. Stupid of me. Uh. Keys. And my wallet, it has my health insurance card. Uh,” Finn blushed, “Under that pile of mail, there. Christ, this hurts.”  

Poe retrieved the wallet, shoved it in his pocket, and turned to Finn. “Keep it elevated,” he said quietly. He reached out to demonstrate, then hesitated. “All right if I touch you?”  

“Yeah, of course.” Finn held it up as they walked down the stairs and to the car. “Feel so stupid, let my anxiety get the better of me,” he mumbled as he let Poe clip him into the seat belt, stealing a kiss as Poe’s cheek passed him. “Sorry for disturbing you, especially after group night. I could’ve called Rey, I just… you were the person I wanted here with me.”  

“It’s ok, buddy. I’m just glad you called. Glad you stopped.” Poe flicked his eyes toward Finn, then back to the road. “Higher,” he said. “Keep it raised.” He turned down the hospital drive, swung into a parking spot, and came around to help Finn get out. “How you doing? It’s still bleeding?”  

“Well of course I stopped, what was I going to do, just keep chopping onions? Damn, I probably ruined everything on the cutting board.”  

Poe opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Right,” he said. He kept a steadying hand on Finn’s waist as they walked into the ER and signed in. “Do you, um. Do you want me to come in with you?” He finally managed to meet Finn’s eyes.   

Finn frowned a little, unsure of what had changed. If his hands weren’t such a bloody mess he’d hold one out for Poe to squeeze. “Always.”  

“Ok.” The ER was fairly empty—a random Thursday night, not deep enough into summer to get injuries from overeager tourists. After only a quiet fifteen minutes, they got called into an ER room. Poe watched carefully as the nurse checked Finn over, taking his vitals, noting down the details of the injury, then left with the promise of a doctor swinging by soon. The nurse didn’t want to unwrap Finn’s fairly effective towel before the doctor had a chance to get his eyes on the injury.

“I’m sorry,” Poe said, pitching his voice beneath the bustle. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”   

Finn kicked gently out from the examining table he was sitting on, tapping Poe’s good knee. “Why are you sorry? I’m the one that screwed up.”  

Poe looked up at Finn, then back down to his feet. “I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I—” His shoulders twitched in a half-shrug. “Haven’t been a—a good enough boyfriend for you. I—” He swallowed hard. “Your recovery comes first, ok? If you need to—if this is too stressful—if I’m not—being what I need to be, for you—” He clasped his hands in his lap to stop them from shaking. “I’m sorry. And I get it if you need to—to take a break, or call it quits, or—or anything like that.”    

Finn’s heart sped into overdrive. “What? What? No. What? I just. No. God, please, Poe, no.” He hopped off the table, then slid down into Poe’s lap, gave a millisecond worth of thought for the blood on his hand, then cupped Poe’s cheek. “Where is this coming from?” he whispered, heart breaking inside him.  

“Elevated!” Poe raised Finn’s hands above his head again, but kept one protective arm around Finn’s waist. As long as he still had the honor of being allowed to touch Finn, he wasn’t going to waste it. He buried his face in Finn’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “If this is stressing you out,” he rasped. “Us, I mean. To the point where you feel like you have to self-harm. Then it’s not worth it. All right? I’m not qualified to—to help you, in this. You deserve to be ok.”  

“Self-harm?” _Put the razor in the trash._ “I didn’t—"

“Sorry to break it up, guys, but I need, Finn, uh, Finn Okira. I presume he’s the one with the bloody towel wrapped around his hand?” The doctor stood in the doorway, flipping a chart, nodding up at the examining table.

Finn reluctantly climbed off of Poe’s lap and back onto the table, holding his bundle up and out.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Douglass, let’s see what seems to be the problem today,” the doctor said with a wink. “Sliced your thumb, huh?”

“Chopping onions,” Finn replied with a nod, eyes sliding over to Poe’s.

“Well, this looks like it’s been effective, but I’m afraid it’s going to have to come off now. Hopefully, none of the cloth sticks in the wound.” He began to unwrap the towel, peering at Finn’s thumb through the bottom lens of his bifocals. Finn glanced involuntarily down at the wound when it was revealed, then back up and away, letting out a little whimper.  

Poe reached up instinctively to take Finn’s other hand. He kissed Finn’s knuckles, then folded Finn’s hand between his own and held on tight, eyes intent on the tight lines of Finn’s face.  

“Am I...did I cut anything important? I, uh. I use my hands for a living.” Now that he’d seen it, in it’s gory detail, it was a little more overwhelming to him, and he squeezed Poe’s hand tight and bit down on his lip.

“It’s hard to tell with how it looks right now. We definitely need to do stitches, so we’ll numb you up. Sit tight for just a little bit longer, okay? Oh, and let’s get rid of this thing, you mind if I trash it?” When Finn shook his head, the doctor shoved the bloody towel in the hazardous waste disposal, wrapping Finn’s thumb in some gauze instead. “Right back.”  

After the doctor left, the silence in the room crushed Poe's ears like too many G’s. “Just—” Poe’s voice cracked. “Just—promise me you're talking about this with someone, ok?”  

“I didn’t self-harm! It was an accident!” Finn near-shouted, then flushed and ducked his head away. “Yeah, I had a bad day.” His voice came out small, tired. “But I didn’t. I don’t know why you’d think...I’m not lying to you, Poe.”  

Poe put a shaking hand on his heart, halfway out of his seat. He counted his breath for a moment, willing his startled panic to ebb. “I’m sorry,” he said at last, gut clenching. “I’m sorry, Finn.” He blinked down at their joined hands. “I—I knew you were worried about group, and Snap said you’d had a bad day, and I snapped at you for coming to talk to me, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for that. And then you called, and said you were bleeding, and I—I just assumed, I guess, I—” Poe closed his eyes. “I should have asked you. And I should have believed you when you said you hadn’t. I just—it’s the sort of thing people lie about, and I’m scared—I’m always scared for you. But that’s no reason to not trust you. I’m—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”  

Finn tried to blink away the tears, but they were falling too fast. He tried to swallow a sob. “I’m sorry that—I’m sorry that you have to worry about me in that way. I’m so sorry, Poe. God, I didn’t even think about how it sounded.” He held out his arm, needing Poe’s embrace right now. “And I am talking. I’m talking to, God, I swear, it’s a miracle the whole neighborhood doesn’t know I’m—I’ve been—I’ve thought about… I’m talking to a lot of people. Because of you.”  

“You don’t have to apologize.” Poe stood and carefully folded Finn into his arms. “I should have trusted you. That you’d cut yourself cooking, to start with, but also that—that you’re working on it, getting better. That you’re an adult who can take care of himself.” He lowered his head to Finn’s shoulder and sighed. “I’m glad you’re talking to a lot of people. I’ll try to trust you better, I swear. I’m not sure I’m good at that. But I’ll learn.”  

Finn buried his face in Poe’s neck. “I love you.” _Shit_. “Shit, I—"

There was a sound of the clearing of a throat and Poe popped out of his arms. “Sorry. But someone needs stitches, I hear.” The nurse from before, who had taken Finn’s vitals, rolled a tray in. He prepped a needle. “It’s just a local, so it shouldn’t interact strangely with any of your other medications. But just, be aware, in case there’s a reaction.” Finn looked away, neither at Poe nor at the needle, finding a spot on the wall to gaze at instead, as the nurse pumped anesthetic into his thumb.

Dr. Douglass bustled in, had the thumb sewn up —“Just 11 stitches. Not bad. Just deep. I think mobility should be fine.” —in a matter of minutes and then bustled out again. Soon, Finn was being ushered through his aftercare instructions and discharge papers efficiently. Finn didn’t find himself alone with Poe until they were both walking to Poe’s car.

“Listen, Poe. I. Um. I don’t know what to say.”  

“About what?” Poe opened the door for Finn, then popped around to the driver’s side. “How’s your thumb doing? Do you want me to stop anywhere to get stuff before I take you home?”  

Finn waited until Poe was buckled in, then decided to try again. “I. Um. I’m happy you’re not freaked out about me saying I love you.”  

Poe stared straight ahead, then clicked the engine off and turned back to Finn. “You what?” He flushed. “Wait. Really? You really—you really said that? You said that. You said that! I thought that was my imagination.”  

“But now that we’ve established that I really did say that, you have thoughts?”  

“Oh.” Poe stared at him, frozen in place. “I hadn’t—hadn’t even—started—thinking like that yet, we just—started dating a week ago, and—and I—” _am fucking this up irreparably, red alert red alert change course—_ “Wait. Hang on. Yellow. Can I just—yellow.” Poe held up his hands. “I like you. Ok? I like you a lot, more than I’ve ever liked someone, and I—I don’t mean to reject you, not at all, please, I just, I haven’t—haven’t—haven’t really gone there yet. I’m sorry.”  

Finn took a shaky breath in and out. “Okay. Okay.” Then he burst into a smile. “It worked, Poe. The safe word. It worked.”  

“Oh, thank fuck.” Poe sagged back into his seat and covered his face. “I like you. So fucking much, Finn. I don’t want to lose what we have now. I just—I’m not ready to jump in like that. I’m sorry.” He peeked out between his fingers. “Is that—are you ok? If it’s not, you can tell me. Really.”   

“I.” Finn faltered, then gave himself a minute to analyze. “It’s not something I heard a lot, growing up, or, um, ever? So like, I’m used to that. But now that I’m in a good place. Now that I’m away from...away from my dad, away from combat —it was kind of relentless, you know? But now I’m finally...free from all that, in a way that’s still kind of impossible for me to believe. And, I don’t know. It felt right, saying it, when I’m in this place now.” He laughed at himself. “I know it’s stupid early. You don’t even have to take it romantically, if it makes you more comfortable. I’m not even sure I meant it that way. But in the time since we’ve met, you have become my closest friend, and I care about you, and I worry about you and. And in my mind, that means I love you.”  

Poe took Finn’s good hand in both of his and kissed it, at a loss for words. “You,” he said at last, throat tight, “are the sweetest man I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry no one ever told you they loved you, when you were little. They should have. You deserve that, so— _so_ much. God. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.” He rubbed small circles into Finn’s palm, gathering himself together. “I care about you too. So fucking much. And, well—” Poe rolled his eyes. “Obviously I worry about you too, apparently too much. But, um. That’s—is that—ok with you? You haven’t been having the best day.” His mouth twisted into an apologetic smile.  

Finn looked over at the small illuminated clock in the car dash. “But look at that, I made it anyway, huh?” The clock clicked over to 12:03 as they watched it. Finn drew Poe’s hand up and brushed his lips across Poe’s knuckles. “Another bad day, in the book. I’m really fucking sorry I made you stay up this late. If you want to cancel our date tomorrow night and just stay in and … process what happened tonight, I’d totally understand.”  

“It’s ok, buddy. Don’t worry about it.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand, then went to restart the car. “I’m really glad you called.” He pulled out slowly, then turned onto the highway. “I—hmm. Can I think about that? I was really excited for it, and it seemed like you were too. I don’t want to throw that away. But the thought of just staying in, with you—” He was pretty sure he had a ridiculously dopey grin on his face, but fuck it all, he didn’t care. “That sounds really, really nice. Hmm…”

Poe snuck a glance at Finn during the next red light—shit, his face was drawn with fatigue. Probably pain, too, as the anesthetic wore off. “Look. You’re not coming into work tomorrow—no, that’s an order, I will send you home if you try. So why don’t you text me around 5 and tell me if you’re still up for it, and I’ll do the same. Ok?”  

Finn, who was practically falling asleep in the passenger seat, nodded. “Not like I’ll be doing anything but the paperwork until these stitches are out,” he mumbled, holding his bandaged hand up in the air. “That sounds like a definite plan. I love this plan.”  

“Well, that’s good,” Poe said cheerily, “because there’s always plenty of paperwork!” He turned into town and slowed a little. “Need anything before I take you home? Medicine, movies, food, I don’t know.”  

“I’ve got ibuprofen at home, that’s what the paper said I should use. Honestly—" Finn paused, yawning. “—I think I’m good, I’m just trying not to pass the fuck out on you.”  

Poe looked over at him, concerned. “Can I help you get to bed, buddy? I’m a little worried you might pass out on the way there.”  

“That an invitation?” Finn smiled a little. “Sorry. No. Just punchy. I’ll be fine. Although I guess I wouldn’t say no to a kiss on the forehead as you tuck me in.”  

Poe pulled up in front of Finn’s door and grinned at him. “That is indeed an invitation, buddy. What can I do to help?”     

“I think I’m okay.” Finn pushed the car door open, groaning as he pulled himself upright, then smiled when Poe ended up in front of him anyway. “But I could use a goodnight kiss.”  

“Now that—” Poe wrapped an arm around Finn’s back, cupped a hand around his cheek, and dipped him into a long, slow kiss, trying to tell Finn everything he couldn't quite find the words to say. “I can do,” Poe managed many minutes later, breaking off for a moment of air. “I can do it again, even. As many times as needed. Or wanted. Or anything. Anytime. You sure you’re ok getting to bed now?”  

“Now, when I just got kissed so hard my brains turned to mush and dribbled out of my ear? Yeah, sure.” Finn pulled Poe back, pressing their foreheads together. “Send me a text when you get home safe, okay? I’ll probably be asleep by the time you send it, but then I won’t start the morning with a panic attack.” Finn brushed his lips over Poe’s cheek. “We’re okay.”  

“Ok, phew!” Poe smiled at him. “That’s a relief. Sleep well, sweetheart.” He ran a hand down Finn’s arm, kissed him once more—for luck—and walked back around to the driver’s seat. He watched Finn walk up to his apartment—he had brought his keys, hadn’t he? ok, good—let himself in, and shut the door again.

 **Poe:** Home safe. Sweet dreams. Tell me if you need me to pop over and bring you anything tomorrow, ok?

 **Poe:** :-*~

 **Poe:** That’s...me kissing your finger. I think it might have lost something in translation.  


	9. A text interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn takes a day off to recover from his injury. Good thing he can text one handed.

There was a dull throb in his thumb when he woke, and he gulped down a couple of ibuprofen, dry, then went to get ice for it from the kitchen. Finn groaned at the bloody onion, and the bloody fingerprints on his phone. He quickly checked that Poe had made it home okay —he had —before throwing himself into cleaning up the mess from last night.

When he was finally seated again, ice on his thumb, ten minutes later, he took a closer look at the texts Poe had sent, then snorted into his coffee.

 **Finn:** I really want to make a suggestive joke but that would be a really unflattering comparison to my dick and it’s capabilities so I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut.

——————

“You all right there, Dameron?” Jess peered at him from her perch on the counter next to the microwave. “Don’t make me go over there and pretend I know how to Heimlich, because I don’t.”

“That’s not a verb,” Poe croaked. “Heimlich. Maneuver. It’s a noun.“

“Why the fuck are you lecturing me about grammar?” Jess hopped off the counter and made a grab across the table for Poe’s phone. “What’d loverboy say this time? Did you—”

Poe slipped it into his pocket just in the nick of time and stood up. “Keep your hands to yourself, Pava.”

“I didn’t make a rude comment about your sex life!” Jess protested. “Did you see that? I stopped! Just in time!”

“I did. You’re wonderful. Now get back to work.” Poe refilled his mug. “Unless you want me to take over for Lila’s—”

“No! No! I got it. You got her cookies last time, it’s my turn now.”

“Glad to hear it.” Poe grinned at her. “Maybe flirt a little this time, why don’t you.”

“Fuck you.”

“You already planned what you were going to say to her, didn’t you,” Poe said, halfway out the door.

“Maybe,” Jess muttered.

“Go get it, Pava. Good luck.” Poe let the door swing shut behind him, cackling with delight.

 **Poe:** How’s this instead?

 **Poe:** :-*—————————8

  
\--------------------

Finn should not have pulled his phone out to check his text notification while he was at the corner market. Because now he’d snorted uncomfortably loudly while waiting to check out, and everyone in the vicinity was giving him odd looks. He swallowed his grin, trying to keep a straight face as he made pleasantries with cashier.

When he was walking home, he pulled the phone out again.

 **Finn:** You do me a great service. Now I’m worried I’m not going to live up to your expectations.

 **Finn:** ;)

 **Poe:** It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

 **Poe:** Or, uh. Something like that. You forget I’ve already seen your dick. It’s a perfectly normal size. Which is a good thing, because otherwise it might get difficult to walk.

 **Poe:** Also how would you fuck someone with a dick like that? You’d have to stand on the other side of the bed?

 **Finn:** Gives a whole new meaning to ‘just the tip.’ :P

 **Poe:** You are the WORST

 **Poe:** Why do you do this to me

 **Poe:** Anyway

 **Poe:** Um

 **Poe:** I have seen your dick and it is beautiful and I want to see it again and I am sending this text before I realize what a bad idea it is

 **Poe:** Shit is there a way to delete texts you’ve already sent?

 **Finn:** Color check? Because if you’re at yellow I can happily ignore that.

 **Poe:** Green!

 **Poe:** But uh my face is probably bright red right now

 **Finn:** Well then, my dick thanks you for the compliment and has expressed that it would also like to see you again. Shall I have it’s people call your people to set up a date?

 **Poe:** I would love to go on a date with you, you crazy man.

 **Poe:** Any thoughts on restaurant or home?

 **Finn:** Remember when you said we hadn’t even just laid around lazily and made out. Want to get that off our checklist? I have a pot of chicken soup going and I rented a movie, and I have a really comfortable couch you’ve never even tried.

 **Finn:** if that’s not clear enough, home. I’m voting home.

 **Poe:** Then home it is!

 **Poe:** You probably put herbs into that chicken soup, didn’t you ;)

 **Poe:** I am going to hold an IOU on seeing you in that suit, though…

 **Finn:** Herbs, hmm yes. And even fresh, nonbloody onions. And I promise I was very careful chopping today.

 **Finn:** I have a couple of suits I think you’d like. Fancy suit. Birthday suit…

 **Poe:** Honestly, buddy, as long as it’s your face on top of the suit, I don’t think I give a fuck. Swim suit was great last week. Sweat suit sounds great for tonight.

 **Poe:** And I don’t know how you cook without a thumb, but I’m glad you’re being careful :O

 **Finn:** Fuck, you’re perfect. Sweats it is.

Finn waited a few beats until he got the notification saying Poe had read his message. Then:

 **Finn:** Besides, sweats are the only thing that will accommodate this 8--------------------  
  
——————

“Poe—are you ok?” Jess looked at him in concern, balancing a tupperware of cookies on one hip and her bag on the other.

Poe coughed. “Fine! Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”

Jess narrowed her eyes at him. “Uh huh,” she said. “Well.” She turned to leave, barely hiding a smirk. “Say hi to loverboy from me, ok? Tell him I hope he gets better soon, and that I will laugh at him if he hurts his thumb again while doing anyone.”

“You meant anything,” Poe sighed. “Not anyone.”

“Poe, honey.”

“Enjoy the cookies, Jess.” Poe grinned down at his phone again. “I’ll keep an eye on Finn’s thumb, ok?”

 **Poe:** YOU ARE THE WORST WHY

 **Poe:** WHY DO YOU THIS TO ME

 **Poe:** I nearly choked on my water and died

 **Poe:** But I forgive you because I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard

 **Finn:** Door’s open for you when you’re ready to swing by. I can’t come to the door, on account of this thing in my pants weighing more than I do.

 **Finn:** Wait, do you do wine? No alcohol?

 **Poe:** Oh my god WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

 **Poe:** I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING

 **Poe:** But look sir I saw it

 **Poe:** and it was Perfectly Normal

 **Poe:** and also Beautiful, I think I said that before

 **Poe:** which is good, because I have a strict policy of never having sex with people who have dicks that are taller than they are

 **Poe:** Oh shit right and I don’t drink but I’m fine if you want to! Go ahead.

 **Finn:** Hmm. I feel like that policy is very *short* sighted of you.

 **Finn:** Also my dick is now blushing, and says thank you, and that it can’t wait to see you.

 **Finn:** is it weird that my dick is gender neutral?

 **Finn:** :-* see you soon baby

 **Poe:** It’s weird that your dick is independently sentient! This conversation is getting weirder and weirder, I swear to god.

 **Poe:** but um see you soon. I think I’m swearing off emojis for the time being, because at this point I have no idea where you’ll run with them…


	10. Dinner at Finn's Pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe heads to Finn's for dinner and stuff gets heavy. Heavier?
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Mentions of past abuse, mentions of past torture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title to this chapter: watch Tupping Liberty be really bad at the cardinal rule of RP - don't direct the other person's actions. OOPS

Finn grinned down at his phone, knowing he looked like a dope, but no one was around to see it anyway. He checked his clothes in his mirror. The bandage on his hand was ugly, but ignorable. Despite the banter, though, Finn wanted to look nice for Poe. Satisfied with what he saw, he turned away and attempted to get everything else ready before Poe showed up.  

Poe straightened his shirt, squared his shoulders, and rang the doorbell. Why the fuck was he nervous? They’d hung out often enough before. This wasn’t even their first date. Nor their thirty-eleventh, anymore. Thirty-twelfth?  

A frisson of anxiety ran through Finn as he swung the door wide, losing his breath a little at the sight of Poe, cleaned up, in jeans and a button down. “You look—you look fabulous. You should, uh, walk to the kitchen. In front of me. For no particular reason.”  

“Um.” Poe narrowed his eyes at Finn. “Ok? Maybe you should take this first.” He brought the little pot of cyclamen out from behind his back and handed it to Finn. “Just in case I drop it in shock, or something.”   

“Poe! That’s so sweet.” Finn snaked a hand around Poe’s waist, pulling him close for a kiss, then nuzzling their noses together. “I love them. I’ve never had a plant before. Hopefully I don’t suck at it.” He let his hand slip down to Poe’s ass, and yes, yes it did feel just as amazing in these jeans as Finn had been imagining.  

“Ha! I figured. You need more pretty things in here.” Poe kissed him back, then obediently walked toward the kitchen in front of Finn.  

“Yeah, I know, it’s a little drab. But, uh, it’s home, you know?” Finn had been right. Poe’s ass was  _ perfect _ in those jeans. 

As they rounded the corner to the kitchen/dining area, Poe let out a little exhale, and Finn grinned. “So, uh, I know we said fancy dinner, fancy suits some other date. But I still thought we could have something a little fancy.”

Finn had filled the room with small white votives, flickering and fluttering in the warm air of the kitchen. At the small table, two spots were set up. Finn had been extremely pleased with himself when he’d been able to find two matching sets of dishes. 

“Yeah,” Finn murmured, watching the candlelight dance in Poe’s eyes. “Yeah, I thought you’d look good in candlelight.”  

Poe’s breath caught in his throat, buoyant and astounded. “Finn,” he said. “Finn, this is—” He turned and lunged to wrap Finn into his arms _ —shit, wait, cyclamen, no— _ put the plant on the counter, and kissed Finn with everything he had. He pinned Finn to the counter, knee between his legs, eyes shut tight, thumb pressed against Finn’s cheekbone.   

Finn groaned into the kiss, hands smoothing down Poe’s back, gripping in where they could, pulling Poe closer to him between the juncture on his thighs. When he squeezed into Poe's back too hard with his injured hand, he flinched, and Poe broke it off, worriedly looking at him. Finn took a big breath, trying not to push Poe to the wall right now and grind until they both found satisfaction. Sheepishly, he raised his bandaged hand. “I got too rough with myself,” he said with a grin.  

“Shit,” Poe said, trying to find a working neuron. “How did you do all of this with one hand?” He took Finn’s hand in his and kissed the bandaged finger.  

“Well, my boss gave me the day off,” Finn murmured as he brushed their lips together again, “which was cool for about an hour, until I started thinking too hard about tonight. Anxiety, huh?” He swept his lips over Poe's cheek. “I had to find something to do in between all those flirty texts you sent me.”  

_ “I  _ sent? Excuse me.” Poe paused. “Oh wait, I did start it, huh.” He shrugged, unapologetic. “You escalated it.” He traced the lines of Finn’s forehead. “Sorry you were anxious about tonight, buddy. Tell me, next time? You definitely didn’t have to go all out. I thought the point of staying at home was to, you know. Chill. On the couch. In sweats.”  

“I'm better around people. Otherwise I get in my head too much. It's okay, though. I've been taking it easy, I promise. I didn't even have to take any ibuprofen this afternoon.” Finn returned the kiss, splaying his good hand over Poe's back to pull them closer together.  

“Well, that’s good. Maybe you can come back in on Monday, if you’re up for it. Let Jess tease you until you remember why people suck,” Poe laughed. “But seriously, though. Is there anything I can do? I don’t know, I could change the bandage, or help you set up, or something. I feel like I should have been a better boyfriend for you—comforting you, instead of freaking out. Helping you get to bed.”   

Finn cupped Poe's chin. “You're Poe, which means you're already the boyfriend I need and want.” He kissed Poe as tenderly as he could. “But if you want, yeah, my bandage could use a change.” He pitched his voice low. “Wanna play doctor?”  

“I’d love to!” Poe kissed Finn back, then led him over to the—wow, ok, that was a  _ really _ comfortable-looking couch. “You know,” he mused, “my abuelo always wanted me to be a doctor. I had to tell him I’m the kind that fixes cars.” He grinned at Finn. “Where do you keep the bandages and everything?”  

Finn made a move to jump back up from the couch. “Oh, I can—"  

“Nope.” Poe pushed him back down to the couch with a gentle hand on his chest. “I got this. You did all that—” he waved a hand toward the glittering candles in the kitchen— “the least I can do is fix your thumb.”  

Finn flushed, grinning. “Yes,  _ sir. _ Uh, bathroom. Down the hallway, first door on the left.”  

“Gotcha.” Poe’s shoes—the nice ones, the ones he exclusively reserved for hot dates, the ones he’d worn approximately five times in the last seven years—clicked sharply on the bathroom tiles the way the shoes of his dress uniform used to. He liked it. Carefully not looking at any of the prescription bottles in Finn’s medicine cabinet, he took down the box of gauze pads and tube of antibiotic cream and brought them back to the couch. 

“All right, cowboy. Which hand?” Poe grinned at Finn, sat next to him, and pulled the injured thumb onto his lap. “Does it still hurt?” He slowly peeled the bandage off the wound and hissed a little at the angry red slash. “Jesus, you weren’t messing around with that knife, huh.”  

“Never take your eyes off the blade.” What he could only describe as warm fuzzies filled Finn as Poe carefully, tenderly even, cared for his thumb.  

“I know,” Poe said. He smoothed a bit of cream down either side of the stitches, ripped a new bandage open, and pressed it over the wound.  _ Cooking blade, you idiot. Cooking knife. That you use for cooking. That's what he meant.  _ “Oh,” Poe coughed. “I mean. Yeah. Be careful, ok? You only get one set of hands. Be good to them.” He ran his fingers down the inside of Finn’s forearm and propped his smile back up. “Maybe I should get you a set of protective gloves, huh? Or a dull—a dull knife.”   

“Sharper knives are safer, actually. Less slipping.” Finn pulled Poe closer, lifting one of Poe's legs over his lap. “I saw this set one time, though, in the kitchen store, like ‘teach your kids to cook,’ that had a safety blade. Very dull. For cutting stuff like melon. I guess I could get one of those.”  

“Right, yeah, less slipping—yeah. Can we maybe stop talking about knives?” Poe’s voice skipped up an octave. He cleared his throat and forced it back down to normal. “Um. Anyway. Yeah. I could get you a set like that, if you want.” He slipped his other leg over Finn’s lap and cuddled closer into his side.  

“Yeah, of course. Sorry.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's temple, smoothing back some errant curls. “Thanks for patching me up.”  

“Of course.” Poe leaned against Finn and closed his eyes. “It’s a pleasure.” He sat bolt upright. “Which does  _ not  _ mean you should do it again. Ever.”  

“I won't. I promise.” Finn eased Poe back against his chest, good hand massaging his tense shoulders. “Can I confess something?”  

“Um. Sure?” Poe let his head rest against Finn’s shoulder. Finn’s hand felt wonderful as always on his back, working out each knot.  

“Accident aside, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. About not letting myself get stuck at the garage.”  

“Yeah?”  

Finn's voice lowered, almost to a whisper. He'd never said it aloud before. “I'd like to work with food?” Immediately his head was filled with the dark voice.  _ You're too stupid to go to college. Might as well join the military, that's all you're good for. _ Finn closed his eyes, trying to block the voice out.  

“That's—hey, what's that face for?” Poe tipped Finn’s chin up to face him. “That's  _ wonderful.  _ God, you'd be a fantastic chef. I mean—ok, fine, I probably have pretty low standards when it comes to food, but uh—what you've made for me has been delicious. And you know I'm shit at lying, so it must be true. I can't wait to see what you made tonight.”  

“Yeah?” Finn opened his eyes, knew they were watery.  

“Yes,” Poe said firmly. He studied Finn’s face for a moment. “Do you have paper and a pen somewhere around here? Marker? Something like that?”  

Finn sniffled, then wiped at his eyes. “There’re, um, a pad and pen in the kitchen. By the fridge.” 

Poe stepped into the kitchen—fuck, it smelled good, what the hell was that? He retrieved the pen and paper, wrote his message, pinned it on the fridge with a pair of magnets, stepped back, looked at it for a moment, and added a little heart to the corner. 

YOU CAN DO THIS

_ (anyone who says otherwise is lying) _

(<3 Poe)

“Thanks,” he said, and settled back into Finn’s lap. “Where were we? Oh, right, your chef plans. What do you need to do for that, go to culinary school, or something?”  

“What'd you do?” Finn asked instead, instantly curious. Carefully he set Poe's legs aside and walked to the kitchen, then sat down hard in one of the kitchen chairs. “Poe. Baby.”  

“Yeah?” Poe sauntered in as casually as he could and leaned against the doorjamb.  

Finn pulled Poe over and buried his head in Poe's stomach. “That's... No one’s ever told me that before.”  

Poe bracketed Finn’s legs with his, feet tangled in the legs of the chair, and hugged Finn back as hard as he could. He wished he could shut up the voices in Finn’s jerkbrain with the force of his arms, but the best he could do was just…hug him, and hope for the best.   

“Thank you. Thank you.” Finn sniffled again. “I, um, I haven't really looked into it… But my therapist said something about the community college?” He stood, then, so he could get at Poe’s mouth, because suddenly he was desperate for a kiss. He tried to pour all of his gratitude into it.  

Poe stumbled back a step and leaned against the counter for stability, dizzy with the intensity of Finn’s kisses. He ran a hand down Finn’s back, all the way down to his ass, and held on tight. “Well,” he managed, when they broke apart at last. “Community college. Sounds good. Are there. Other schools, too? I don’t know, fancy cooking schools. And shit. Um. Jesus, Finn, I think you kissed the last working brain cell right out of my head.”  

“Mmmm. Same.” He squeezed Poe's hand. “How ‘bout this: food or couch?”  

“Damn,” Poe laughed. “Don’t leave that up to me. Um.” He leaned his forehead against Finn’s. “Couch sounds really. Really,  _ really _ good. But it’s getting late, and I don’t want to ruin whatever you made. It smells wonderful, by the way, did I mention that? Fucking amazing. I hope your restaurant will do delivery, once you get it off the ground.”  

Finn ducked his head. “Let's not get ahead of ourselves.”  

“Why the hell not?”  

Finn pulled Poe closer and buried his face in Poe’s neck. “You're amazing. You're amazing to me.”   

Poe steered Finn in front of the fridge and turned him to face the slightly lopsided paper pinned to it. “You just keep this in mind, all right?”  

_ You can do this. _

“I’m going to try my hardest.”  

“Well,” Poe grinned. “That’s all you can do.” He kissed the back of Finn’s neck, slipped his arms around Finn’s waist, and held him close. “Which leaves it up to you now. Table or couch?” He cleared his throat. “I mean, uh. Food or couch?”  

Finn placed his arms over Poe’s and rocked them back and forth a bit. “We better eat, because when I get you back on the couch again, I'm not going to want to leave.” He turned in Poe’s arms, excitement bubbling up in him. “Sit, please. It's nothing crazy.”  

“Nothing crazy,” Poe snorted. “Riiiiight. Just as calm and ordinary as this incredible candle—decoration—arrangement—thing you’ve got going already.” He sat, leaned his arms on the table, and propped his chin in his hands. “I can’t wait.”  

Finn chuckled at the image, then turned to serve up two bowls. “I was just feeling like I needed some comfort food, you know? And I’ve been tinkering with my chicken soup recipe for ages. I mean, it’s just chicken soup. But, um, I like to feel like I’ve done something with it, you know?” He placed a bowl in front of Poe, and set one down for himself, before turning back and pulling the bread out from the oven, where it had been warming. “The bread’s not mine, but the bakery down the street is great.” He opened the linen that had been wrapped around the bread, and offered the basket to Poe, the crusty sourdough chunks releasing a little steam and the yeasty smell of warm bread.  

“Well,  _ damn,” _ Poe laughed as he took a piece of bread. “You're going to spoil me for my own cooking. Or lack thereof.”  

“You deserve spoiling. We both do.” Finn tried not to just stare expectantly at Poe as he waited for him to take a bite. Somehow, Poe's praise had become as addictive as anything Finn had ever known.  

Poe swallowed the soup, then slowly licked off the spoon, keeping his eyes locked on Finn’s.  

“Damn,” Finn spoke through fried brain cells, “I thought I was safe at the table.” He winked, then broke off a piece of bread to dip into his soup.  

“Nowhere is safe,” Poe intoned dramatically, then frowned and set his spoon down. “Ok, nope, I take that back. You are safe here. You are very safe. From any actual danger. But I reserve the right to lick a spoon suggestively and eat my soup however the hell I want.”  

Finn slid his foot forward, hooking around Poe’s ankle. “Lick away, baby.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at him and ran his foot up Finn’s calf. “Oh,” he added, “and I’m glad to know that I have a seduction skill or two. I thought they’d have atrophied from disuse. Wait, does it count as disuse if you’ve never used them? Or does that just make it ‘never-use’? Anyway, never mind, this soup is fucking incredible and I want some the next time I’m sick.”  

Finn reached across the table to stroke Poe's cheek. “Fingers crossed you don't get sick, but if you do, I  _ promise _ I will be at your door with a pot of this.”  

“You sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn’s fingers. “Thank you! I was mostly kidding, but, um. I definitely wouldn’t say no to that. I can’t really reciprocate, but uh…I know how to rent a movie! And I can drive out and get whatever you need! And, um. I don’t know. Cuddle?”   

“Cuddles are the cure for the common cold, you know.”  

“Is that so?” Poe laughed. “Well. Then I guess I’d have to ask for cuddles, rather than soup…”  

“How about both?” Finn felt giddy with the flirtation. “The world can be yours, Poe. Or at least this one little chunk of it.”  

“What?” Poe got lost for a moment in the warm glint of Finn’s eyes. The candlelight ran down the lines of Finn’s open palm and caught on his calluses, gleaming and shadows and— “Oh. Right. Um. That’s good.” Poe looked down at his steaming bowl, a little overwhelmed. “Well. If you need someone to make sure your cooking is edible, once you start school. I volunteer.”  

“I'll happily take you up on that.” Finn dunked some more bread, chewing thoughtfully. “I, um, don't know when things start, and how much the GI Bill covers, and—and I guess I'm asking if it's okay if I still work at the garage? Even if I have to go down to part time?”  

“Sir.” Poe nudged his toe against Finn’s. “You are always welcome. Whether you’re working on a car, dropping by with soup, or just coming in to have a quiet place to do your homework.” He paused. “Do you get homework in cooking school? Whatever. Anyway. Yes, you can definitely go down to part-time. I’ll find someone to cover the rest of your hours. And if there’s anything I can do to help you with applying, and shit, let me know. I’m pretty sure I used to know how to write an essay.”  

Finn laughed, then sobered. “Oh, god. I barely made it through high school. Like. I just wanted to get out, mostly. How am I going to do college? What am I thinking? Homework? Essays?” His heartbeat sped up and he gripped the edge of the table, then slid his eyes over to Poe's message. “Christ. I should get that tattooed on my arm or something.”  

“Well, that sounds like a good plan. But also.” Poe clasped Finn’s hand in his, eyes intent on Finn’s. “Look. I don’t have a lot of details, but it sounds to me like life was really hard for you, growing up. That no one gave a shit. How is anyone supposed to get through high school in a place like that? You’re smart as hell and a damn fine worker. I think school might feel really different, this time around.”  

Finn squeezed Poe's hand. “I'm speechless. I—thank you.”  

“You’re welcome.” Poe grinned at him. “Anytime. But now go eat your soup before I finish it all.”  

Finn smiled back and dug in.  

“How’d you get interested in cooking, anyway?” Poe asked curiously. “I mean, to me it’s just a chore, but you—you  _ do  _ things with it and have fun.”   

Finn leaned back, hand unconsciously running over his stomach. “There was this Cuban place on my street in one of the places we lived. We weren't there long, that's… That's a thing abusers do, I guess. My therapist says that anyway. But we were there for awhile? Almost two years. I don't even know how old I was, but the owner, he used to sell me a whole plate of beans for a nickel. Which of course meant I went to ridiculous lengths to come up with a nickel. And Slip and I used to stuff ourselves, sitting in the back, eating beans and watching Mr. Flores cook. It was fascinating.”  

“That’s—” Poe stopped. “That’s, um.” He blinked down at his soup. “Fuck.” He took a deep breath, fingers clenching around his spoon. “I’m glad,” he said at last. “I’m really glad. That you had that. That he helped you guys.” He tried to smile. “Too bad my abuela’s gone, she would have loved to teach you how to cook some Cuban food. My dad tries, but he never really got the hang of it. But I think he’s got a few of her recipes, if you ever want to try them.”  

“That would be amazing. I'd love a copy. I bet I'd be nothing like your abuela though. But even today, the smell of cumin, it brings back good memories.”  

Poe smiled at him. “I’ll have to go looking for the recipes, then. I’m sure they’re around somewhere.”  

“Do you want more?” Finn stood, holding a hand out for Poe’s empty bowl.  

“Yes please!” Poe handed Finn his bowl and maturely resisted the urge to play more footsie while he was handling hot liquids.  

Finn filled another bowl for Poe, then gave himself a little more, too. “Mmm. I think we're definitely going to be protected from any colds or flus for at least a few days after this.” Finn smiled, sneaking his hand across the table again to take Poe's. “I know… I know it's really hard for you to hear about the stuff from my past. If it ever gets to be too much, like with the knife thing before, tell me, okay? I'm... I'm talking with my therapist about it, of course, but, uh. It's not something I share otherwise. Group... Group is for vets. So, um, thank you. And just know you can stop me, okay?”  

“It’s—it’s not  _ hard,  _ I mean, the knife—the knife was—was—was different. Um. I just.” Poe stared at their joined hands. “The thought of you. Hurting. Like that.” Poe blinked hard. “Hurts so fucking bad to hear. I’ll stop you if it’s too much, I promise. But you can tell me anything you want to. Ok?” He finally looked up at Finn. “I want to get to know you. And your past is part of you. All of it. Anytime you want to talk.”  

Finn took a long breath in and out. “I'm so glad... Jesus, I'm so glad I found you.”  

“Me too.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand, throat tight. “And not just because of your cooking skills.” He tore off another piece of bread and handed it to Finn. “So what’s your restaurant’s theme going to be?”  

“Oh man, I don't even know. I feel like I don't _ know enough _ to know, you know?” Finn laughed. “I just tinker. And watch the Food Network.”  

“Come on.” Poe raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never dreamed about it? Brainstormed a few names?”  

“Just.” Finn closed his eyes, trying to picture it. “It's homey, not fancy. Nothing against fancy, just. There's kind of a disconnect in fancy places between the kitchen and the dining room. I don't want that. I want to know my customers. Have regulars and know their names and their orders. I want to shop at the farmer’s market and be inspired by the, fuck, I don't know, the fresh tomatoes, and come up with daily special there on the spot.” He opened his eyes again, watched the candlelight flicker across Poe's face.  _ So lovely.  _ “It’s not much, but that's what I have.”  

“That, my man,” Poe said, “is a wonderful dream.” He hesitated. “You look—different, you know. When you talk about it. Like—I mean, you’re always a little on your guard, and that’s fine, everyone is. But when you talk about your restaurant, you look—like—”  _ Beautiful,  _ he wanted to say.  _ So fucking beautiful I can’t stand it.  _ “Hopeful,” he said instead. “Peaceful.”  

“I-Yeah? Hopeful.” Finn tested the word out, found out it gave him a little jolt of... something positive inside him that he couldn't quite place. Something that helped beat back the dark voice a bit. “Cool,” he said quietly, a small smile creeping on his face. He shook himself out of it reluctantly, and refocused on Poe. “So. To abuelo’s disappointment, a mechanic, not a doctor. Still a fixer, though. What made you decide on that?”  

“Huh,” Poe laughed. “Never realized that. Still fixing things, huh? Well.” He shrugged. “I was a pilot, in the Air Force—I think I told you that, didn’t I? Anyway, I’ve always been good with machines, and fixing things. Cars aren’t nearly as much fun as planes—and I never knew nearly as much about plane innards than I’ve learned about cars by now—but it’s the same idea, I guess. I don’t know. It was something I could do with my hands, not have to think about anything. And being self-employed means I can, um. Work. When I can. And, uh. Not work, when I can’t. I mean, within reason. I have to finish everything in time, and be open during normal hours. But if I take off one afternoon and leave Snap in charge, and then come back at night and finish up everything—well, that’s my prerogative, and I appreciate that. No one to explain myself to.”  

“Freedom,” Finn murmured. “I get that.” He squeezed Poe’s hand. “I get the second part. About when you can’t work. I’m sorry that happens for you, too.” He took a deep breath. “I’d like to, um, know someday. Not tonight. Not even any time soon —whenever. Or never. I don’t know. But, um. You could tell me about...your time in the service.”  _ About why you fight for your life in your sleep. _ “Or don’t. Sorry. I just wanted you to know that… you don’t have to hide it around me if you don’t want to.”  

Poe opened his mouth. “Uh,” he said. He took a breath and let it out and took a breath and let it out and— “I was a pilot,” he said. “I was—I was a pilot.” 

_ Come on, you fucking coward, spit it out. It’s never going to get easier. He’s told you so much of his own life already. He deserves to know.  _

_ You’re going to tell us, either way. You can tell us the easy way, or you can make this hard—  _

Poe stood up, choking on air. “I can,” he said. “I can do the dishes. You shouldn’t—shouldn’t wash. With your thumb. Shouldn’t get it too wet. Soap. All that.” 

Finn stood slowly, placed his arms on Poe’s slowly. Shoved the part of him that wanted to be hurt by Poe’s continued silence down deep. “Yeah, that’s a great plan. Can you count breaths with me first?”  

“Shit,” Poe mumbled. He leaned into Finn’s touch a little, as much as he could. Counted with Finn, slow and easy, willing his heart to stay right here, now, present, with Finn, in his aromatic kitchen.  

“You’re safe. You’re here with me, and we’re safe.” Finn studied Poe’s face. “Better, now?” He asked softly.  

“‘M sorry,” Poe muttered. “I don’t mean to be—be—mysterious, and shit. I just—” He shook his head. “Thank you. For—god, you’re so  _ good _ to me. I don’t understand it sometimes. Thank you.” He ran a hand up and down Finn’s arm. “Means the world to me.”  

“I’m just.” Finn looked away. “You’re so  _ good _ to me, too. Good for me. I wanna be the same. But—I’m sorry, I pushed. It wasn’t meant to be a push. Just, uh—" Finn trailed off, unable to explain how viscerally he needed to know Poe’s story, when it was obviously in Poe’s best mental interest to not talk about it. “Just, I love you.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to Poe’s forehead.  

“Thank you.” Poe closed his eyes, leaned into Finn’s warm embrace, and wrapped his arms around Finn’s waist. “I,” he said. “I want to—to have told you. I just—” He twitched back out of the hug and turned towards the table. “Dishes,” he said. “I can do the dishes. You shouldn’t—you cooked all this. Let me help out now?”    

“Yeah, of course. I, um, don’t have a dishwasher, but, uh, I can help you dry?” Finn snagged a towel from the oven handle and grinned at Poe, trying to lighten the mood in the kitchen.  

“I mean, if you insist.” Poe hip-checked him, grateful as ever for his sweet smile. He gathered the bowls and started in on washing them, letting the rush of water drown out the noise between his ears. This, he could do. Dish, water, soap, sponge, scrub, rinse, hand to Finn. The suds filtered between his fingers, frothed up white around the sponge. 

“I,” he said. “I was. I was—was—I was sh-shot down. Um.” The next word gets stuck between his tongue and his teeth. “They,” he said at last. “They—they. T-t-tortured me.” He swallowed hard and spit the next words out. “Three months. My knee—” He waved a hand at it. “Crushed it, they—it’s a. Replacement. And. They did. Other things, too. Like the—the knives. My nails. Uh.” He dragged in a harsh breath. “Marines. Came. Re-re-rescued. Me. Brought me. Back here. I—I— _ Jesus.”  _ He gripped the edge of the sink, white-knuckled and dizzy.  

“Hey, hey, you’re okay.” Finn wrapped his arms around Poe gently, steadying him. “You’re okay. I’ve got you. Breath for me, baby. You’re safe. Ah, God, I’m so glad you’re safe. Poe, love, god. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”  

Poe stared into the sink, viciously nauseous. Distantly he recognized the faint  _ click _ of his mind dissociating from his body. He used to be really good at that, once. Kept him alive. 

It’s choking him now. 

_ I am holding onto the edge of the sink. It is cold and wet. My hands are also cold and wet. I was washing dishes. There are the clean dishes.  _ Poe was faintly surprised to find the sink empty, the dishrack full except for one last dish cocked haphazardly against Finn’s towel on the counter.  _ I am in Finn’s kitchen. He’s holding me. He’s—why is he sad? Oh, right. I was talking about it. But it happened many years ago. I’m safe now. I’ve been safe for many years. Why do I still not feel safe?  _

Poe turned slowly and carefully into Finn’s embrace, buried his face in Finn’s shoulder, and tried to stop shaking.  

“I love you. I love you. You're safe. Baby, I'm sorry. You never have to tell me anything ever again.” As he held Poe’s wracking body, he came to a decision. “Poe, baby, can I take you to the couch?”  

“Mmm?” Poe tried to focus. “Mmm. Yeah.” He walked to the couch with Finn. Walking was easy, all he had to do was pick up one foot and put it in front of the other.  

Finn grunted a little as he picked Poe up into his arms for the rest of the trip, because he didn't want to have Poe be so far away. He settled them on the couch, sinking into the cushions, rocking Poe. He couldn't help murmuring his love, over and over again, against Poe's hair.  

Poe clung as hard as he could to Finn’s sweet words, trying to mash his brain back into his body. Time slowed, then snapped back like an elastic band, then slowed again. “‘M sorry,” he mumbled at last. “Didn’t think that would happen.”  

“Hi,” Finn whispered. “Let's...let's just sit here a little bit longer.” His voice sounded wrecked, but he couldn't help it.  

“Ok.” Poe shifted closer to Finn. “‘M sorry I upset you,” he added, voice muffled in Finn’s shirt.  

“Fuck, baby, you have no need to apologize. I'm just so glad you survived. I can't imagine… I can't imagine not meeting you.”  

“Mmm.” Slowly coming back to himself, Poe eased his deathgrip on Finn’s arms and cuddled instead. “Sometimes I can talk about it,” he rasped. “I thought—” His voice cracked. “Thought maybe I—I could. I can’t.” He grabbed Finn’s jaw and yanked Finn’s face towards him. “Don’t push me again. Please. About—about that, you can ask me about anything else, just not about that, for the love of god,  _ please.”   _

Finn shook his head quickly. “No. No. Of course not. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm...sorry.”  

“It’s ok.” Poe stroked Finn’s cheek. “You’re ok, sweetheart.” He leaned against Finn and closed his eyes. The adrenaline was gradually fading, leaving him drained and demoralized, but finally present again in his own body. More or less. 

He tried to figure out how he’d gotten to the couch—dishes, he remembered doing the dishes, and Finn— _ oh.  _ “Thank you,” Poe said, realizing what Finn had done. _ “Thank  _ you. For—talking me back into myself, you’re—you’re good at this.”  

Finn broke, just a little, then, trying to cover the half sob with a cough, even though it was obvious. How, how could he feel so keenly that he'd almost lost Poe when it had happened long ago? God, what would his life be like if Poe had died then? Would he… He thought of some of the dark nights Poe had talked him through. Would he even be here? Or would he have given up, given into the dark voice months ago?

“Practice with myself, I guess,” he managed, his voice betraying him at every turn. “What do you need now?  I have tea. Um, or we could just lay down here, and put on a movie. Or I could drive you home, if you want.”  

“Just cuddling sounds good,” Poe murmured. “Is there room to—to lie down? Here.” He slid backwards, making room for Finn, and slowly toppled down to the couch. “I’m sorry you have to practice on yourself.”  

Finn buried his face in the back of Poe's curls, breathing in the heavy scent of  _ Poe. _ He settled an arm over Poe’s hip, then wedged one of his legs between Poe's gently, sliding their bodies more closely together. “Let's make a new rule. Let's just assume that we feel bad about each other’s equally fucked up and tragic lives.”  

“And not apologize for that either?” Poe folded Finn’s hand between his and twined their fingers together. “That sounds like a good plan. Although I don’t think equal is the right word. I still—when I think about—how you—what they did to you—” Poe stopped. “Sorry. Um.” He kissed Finn’s knuckles and settled more comfortably into his arms. “Never mind. That’s a good rule.”  

“We made it here, and that's what matters. That we're still here, and they're... They're not.”  

“Yeah.” Poe turned around in Finn’s arms, needing to see his face. “You won. You really did.” He tried to tangle his legs with Finn’s again—stopped, kicked off his shoes, and tried again, settling in closer. He’d need to deal with this later—the fact that Finn knew. That Finn would look at him as  _ that guy who was tortured.  _ Or at best,  _ Poe, who was tortured.  _ And now Poe knew that Finn knew, and he’d never be able to get it out of his head, and—

_ Look at the facts before spiraling out, numbnuts. He’s been nothing but sweet to you. He helped you out of what could have been a flashback, at the sink. He’s got his own life to deal with. He won’t look at you differently now, knowing what happened to you, any more than you look at him differently, knowing what happened to him.  _

Belatedly, Poe realized that he’d been zoned out for a little while. “Um,” he said, gathering himself back together. “Are you ok that I told you?”  

Finn let himself think before responding. “I'm. The word isn't glad, but. I'm glad you told me. There's part of me that's glad you trusted me. And part of me that's so, so pissed on your behalf, and part of me that's grateful you told me so that I won't wax poetic about sharp... things. Because even unintentionally hurting you...hurts me.”  

“Well. I get that.” Poe rubbed small circles into Finn's back with his thumb. “And, um. Thank you for listening.” He pressed a quick kiss to Finn’s lips. “Means a lot to me.”  

Finn rested his forehead against Poe’s, matching their breaths for a while, minutes, who knew how long. Finn's mind drifted, in the comforting arms of this man. To the others, the ones who wouldn't have known how to deal with the shit in his mind even if they cared to try, even if Finn cared to let them try. To quickies in bathrooms that dulled the voice for a bit, to long waits for test results, his stomach in knots at the sight of the envelope even as a small part of him wished his carelessness would lead to his death. Until he'd been able to break the cycle, because something else had begun to dull the voice: a certain mechanic, sitting across from him at group, being quietly and steadily supportive.

It drifted to the idea that somehow, he'd known. He'd known it was something like this. That Poe was every bit as broken and fucked up as he was, and that that's why he was attracted to him. That's why he wanted to jump in, deep and fast, no looking back, with Poe and no one else.

And, Jesus, if  _ that _ wasn't fucked up. And if Poe knew… He'd probably hate Finn. God. 

But then, Finn thought, tracing fingers over Poe’s back. Then why hadn't he taken Rey up on her offer for a date, and a roll on the nearest horizontal object? 

Every fiber of his being loved Poe. Part of that, indelibly, was the fact that like Finn, Poe was dealing with his shit. But it was also because Poe was kindhearted, and so accepting, and a fixer. 

So Finn just needed to trust himself. Trust his heart. Because lord knew his mind wasn’t a reliable source of information.  

Beat by beat, Poe’s heart slowed back to something resembling calm. Finn’s apartment was quiet, soup-scented, warm. Finn’s couch was soft and deep and plenty big enough to fit both of them. Finn himself seemed to be—elsewhere? There was a tight furrow in his brow, a tiny hitch in his breath. Poe stroked Finn’s back and watched the inviting curve of his mouth slowly curl back up towards a smile. He was so beautiful, always, whether awake or asleep. Poe could happily watch him all evening, if he could. 

_ Love,  _ Finn had said.  _ I love you.  _ Poe’s stomach clenched with the sudden drop of an underneath high-g barrel roll. It was a weird feeling, like hearing a lie he knew was true. He’d get used to it someday, right? He’d learn to trust that. He would.


	11. Dinner at Finn's Pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their series of fits and starts, Finn and Poe finally make 'it' work. (winky face)
> 
> AKA BeautifulTuppingLibertyLights finally earn that E rating. 
> 
> Content warnings: smut, slight D/s? if you read between the lines a bit

Finn realized he'd been quiet too long, when Poe’s mouth went from neutral to a slight frown. He gave Poe a little squeeze. “What do you think, will we ever have a normal date? At this point, we might as well count the hospital visit last night as a date, too. Thirty-thirteenth, then.”  

“Pfff. Normal is overrated.” Poe sighed. “Anyway, we were doing just fine until I decided it was a good idea to ignore my own boundaries.” He traced the line of Finn's jaw. “I think we can still make a good date out of this.”  

“Oh, don't get me wrong. Any date with you is a good date.” It took little effort for Finn to lean in, brush his lips over Poe’s.  

“Yeah?” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek and kissed him back. “Well. Right back at you.” He slung one leg over Finn’s hip to bring them closer.  

Finn sunk into Poe, the kisses sweet, lazy, almost drugging. Like they had nowhere to be and nothing to do, except slant their lips over each other, and take, and give, and live in this moment.  

Poe kissed Finn for hours, days, maybe months. Maybe he could just keep this moment, right here, for the rest of his life. That would be great, ok? Finn’s warm hands and sweet lips and soft shuddering breaths. Forever and ever and ever, amen.

Slowly but surely, heat built between them. Chest to chest, hips to hips, legs entwined, breath shared.  _ We could maybe do this,  _ Poe thought.  _ Right? Or at least go down trying.  _

Poe ran a hand down Finn’s back to the waistband of his jeans, then stopped. “Can I,” he said. “Your shirt. I want to see you.”  

“Yeah. Yeah. Green,” Finn panted with a grin.  

“Yeah?” Poe couldn't help his ridiculous answering smile. He carefully slipped Finn’s neatly tucked shirt out of his jeans, then flipped Finn onto his back and started undoing the buttons, one by one. Finn’s chest rose and fell beneath his hands, long muscles interrupted only by a jagged pink scar by his collarbone. Poe rubbed a thumb over Finn’s nipple, then ran a hand down to Finn’s abs, dizzy with arousal.  

With a groan of approval, Finn cupped the back of Poe's head and brought him down for a searing kiss. “Keep going, please. Whatever you want. However far you want to go. It's yours.”  

“Good,” Poe said, breathless. “Because I want all of you.”  _ But I already tried going too fast, and regretted it. And then leapfrogged straight over my boundaries tonight, and regretted that too. So if we go anywhere, we’re going to fly there slower than a Soviet cropduster.  _ He eased himself down to kiss just beneath Finn’s jaw, then down his neck, sucking in a mark over his collarbone.  

Finn clenched his hands into the couch, determined to let Poe take at the pace he needed to. It felt so good, felt amazing, Poe's lips over his skin. Everywhere they went they left tingling behind, like his very _ skin _ ached for Poe's touch.   

Poe traced a line of kisses down to the nub of Finn’s nipple and sucked until it was hard. Finn’s skin was sweet beneath his tongue, glorious and intoxicating and—  _ This is a thing people do, right? This is a good next step?  _ Finn was tense beneath his hands, but hard. Poe could feel the bulge of Finn’s cock inside his jeans, pressing up against Poe’s stomach.  _ Good tense? Bad tense? How the fuck do you tell?  _ Poe looked up at Finn’s face. “What—what do you like? What do you want me to do?”  

“That was good!” Finn’s voice came out high and strangled, and he had to laugh at himself. He cupped Poe's face and swept over his cheeks with his thumbs. “Sorry. That was good. Your mouth...your mouth feels amazing. Um. Nipples are good. Uh. Shit, Poe, I need you to know that most of my experience with this are quickies in the bathroom.” Finn’s face heated, embarrassed. “I’m negative, by the way, for everything. Um.” He dropped his hands, looked away. “But nuanced foreplay is not exactly a thing I have experience with.”  

“That’s ok.” Poe pressed another kiss to Finn’s chest. “I’m negative too, while we’re at it—got tested years ago and haven’t done anything since then. And, uh. There’s nothing wrong with quickies. If that’s what you needed, and it felt good, then that’s ok. I’m—well.” He ducked his head. “Most of my experience with this is seven years out of date, and even that’s not particularly extensive. I didn’t do anything in the service, obviously—well, no. Not obviously, I guess.” He beamed at Finn. “You’re a post-DADT baby, aren’t you?”  

“Yeah. I mean. I wasn’t out as bi in the army anyway, so everything was still all experimentations in the bathroom, behind closed doors. I mean, doors that would be more closed than—" He gave up with a laugh. “You know what I mean.” Finn traced a finger along Poe’s hairline, pushing some curls away. “I wasn’t out in high school, either. That would have been—not tolerated, to say the least. When I first got out of the extensive physical therapy for my back, I went back to where I was raised - that was a mistake in more ways than one, but that's where the club bathroom quickies happened. It wasn’t until I moved here, started meeting with group, then working at the shop, started seeing the diversity of sexualities and… is labels the right word? I don’t know. Labels that were available now. It was eye opening, seeing you guys all just..be yourselves, no apologies.” He thought back to the scene on the beach. “Even when you’re threatened. No apologies. You’re so… brave, and I wanted to be out like you.” He pulled Poe up gently, pressed their lips together again. “And then I kissed you.”  

“Yeah.” Poe grinned at Finn. “That was a good idea. Kissing me. An excellent idea. Do it again, any time.” He ran a hand down Finn’s arm. “I’m sorry you couldn’t be out at home. And I’m so fucking glad you had the courage to come out now.” He shook his head. “Yet another reason you’re the bravest man I know.”  

**_No, you’re not._ ** Finn frowned, stopping himself just in time from shaking his head to get the voice out. “So, yeah. What you’re doing is great. Ten out of ten, would recommend to...no one, because you’re all mine.”  

“Well, good. Because I plan to keep you here until I’ve kissed the hell out of you.” Poe twined his fingers with Finn’s, pinned his arm above his head, and leaned down to his other nipple to resume where he left off.  

“Mmph,” was the most coherent sound Finn could make. His chest shuddered out a pleased breath, then another, under the onslaught. He worked a leg free and ran his foot along Poe’s calf, craving touch and attention everywhere.  

_ Why are humans made with only one mouth?  _ Poe wondered dazedly.  _ Design flaw.  _ He worked his way down Finn’s chest, down over his stomach—chickened out of going for his crotch—and kissed his way back up the other side instead. Finn’s groans were probably illegal in seventeen states, and should be bottled up as an aphrodisiac in the rest. Poe was pretty sure his jeans were shrinking over his crotch, and quite sure that he’d never been harder in his life.  

“Oh, god, okay, you are—" Finn squeezed his eyes shut, as if cutting off that sense would make it easier for his brain to function. Instead, Poe’s kisses felt all the more intense. “Fucking amazing,” he managed. His arm was still pinned above his head, and damn if  _ that _ wasn’t sending shivers through his body. He reached out with his injured hand, haphazardly trying for one of Poe’s buttons. “See you. Please?”  

“Yeah? Um. Ok.” He honestly hadn’t been sure if Finn would want to see him naked—he was fucking old, after all. He stopped, reluctantly withdrew his hand from Finn’s, sat up over Finn’s hips, and started working on the buttons of his shirt.  

Finn sat up a little, pressing a kiss to the place above where Poe’s heart was thundering, lips tickled by the soft curls of brown hair there. “You tensed up,” he murmured against Poe’s skin, then leaned back, opening his arms up, an invitation for Poe to lay back down on top of him. “Still okay? Or am I asking that too much? Should I just let it be?”  

“I’m fine,” Poe said automatically. He undid another pair of buttons, then hesitated. “I was just a little—I don’t know. Self-conscious, and shit. I’ve been staring at your glorious—” He waved a hand at Finn. “Everything, and here I am, all, I don’t know, scrawny, and whatever, but—it’s fine, it’s fine, I'm not, I don’t know, fishing for compliments, or shit. It’s fine.”  _ Dameron, the first rule of having insecurities is to not fucking say them out loud, you numbnuts.  _ “Never mind.” He shrugged out of the shirt and tossed it onto the coffeetable.  

Finn let a small smile lift his lips, even as he shifted beneath Poe. “I think you can tell I’m still turned on. And if our positions were reversed, I’d be whispering platitudes as I kissed all over, just like you have.” Finn let his bandaged hand spread over Poe’s back, radiating warmth. “But sight isn’t what I’m going for, here,” Finn murmured. His fingers massaged. “Touch.” A whisper. “Can’t you feel it, like electricity, between us?”  

Poe narrowed his eyes at Finn. “You sound like a romance novel.” He eased down over Finn again and laid his cheek against the furnace of Finn’s chest. “But touch is good,” he murmured. “Really good.”  

“Hey, romance novels are a valid form of literature.” Too late, Finn realized what he’d admitted, and blushed.  

Poe laughed. “Well, I used to read those paperback mysteries, you know, years ago. New one comes out with a different cover and title, same author and tropes. Jess would kick my ass for being a misogynist if I suggest those are better than romances.” He kissed Finn’s chest because it was there, and so was his face, and there really was no reason to keep them apart.  

Finn’s grin was sheepish. “Someone sent ‘em to base, I think as a joke? But you know how it is. Eventually you’ve read everything, you get desperate—why am I justifying this? If you pick up my kindle, you’re going to find mostly chef biographies and romance novels.”  

“Wonderful.” Poe grinned at him. “A few tips on how to cook, a few tips on how to woo your lover…what else do you need in life?”  

Finn brushed his lips over Poe’s. “Seems to be working so far anyway. What do you say, wooee?”  

”You did not just call me a Wookie.”  

Finn snorted. “No.” He swept his bandaged thumb over the curls on Poe’s chest. “You are perfectly the right amount of hairy. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Chewbacca, but—" He couldn’t make it through without laughing. “You’re perfect, Poe.”  

“Well, good, because  _ you're  _ ridiculous.” Poe leaned into Finn’s touch and kissed the inside of his wrist. “Fortunately for you, I happen to like ridiculous.”  

“Excellent. I’ll just keep being myself, then.”  

“Good.” Poe curled a hand around the back of Finn’s head and brought him close for a deep kiss. “Because I like you, too.”

Finn sighed into the kiss, his mind, his blood somewhere between pounding lust and something sweeter, quieter.  

Poe surged closer and gripped Finn’s shoulder for balance, feeling like he might melt into Finn’s arms any moment. The movement brought his cock on a level with Finn’s, pent up in his jeans, throbbing with his heartbeat.  _ Jesus.  _ He swallowed hard, aching with desire.  

Finn’s hand crept down, down Poe’s back, squeezing into Poe’s ass as far as he could without hurting himself. He felt Poe’s cock, hard against his, and groaned.  

Finn’s hand belonged on Poe’s ass, right there, just like that, for the rest of his life. “What,” Poe coughed. “What do you.” He pushed himself up on his elbows and looked down into Finn’s glazed eyes. “You’re beautiful,” he said, momentarily distracted. “So fucking beautiful.” He stroked Finn’s cheek, then kissed it. “What—” he cleared his throat— “do you want to do? Now.”  

_ You are. So beautiful.  _ “I know what I want to do, but—How are you feeling? Green?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, I think—yeah. Yeah, I am. What do you want to do?”   

“I’d like to continue touching you. I’d like—I’d like to blow you, if you feel like it. If you don’t, I’d like to—just get to know you. Get to know your body. Let you get to know mine.” Finn licked his lips, frowning a little, unsure.  

_ Blow you.  _ Poe’s brain shorted out entirely at the words and resulting mental image. He flushed all the way down to his chest and stared at Finn, begging a few neurons to come back online. “That,” he croaked at last. “That. That would be.” He closed his eyes in a futile attempt to clear his head of the sight of Finn’s eyes, molten and dark and focused on his. “I really want that too,” he managed at last. “But. I think. That might be a little too much?” With at least half the blood in his body diverted to his cock—or at least it felt that way—talking was more of a challenge than usual. “Maybe—hands? Hands. Instead. Tonight?” 

“Hands are good.” Finn demonstrated, sweeping his hands over Poe’s back. “So good.”  

“Yeah?” Poe bit his tongue before he could ask to peel Finn’s jeans off his incredible ass.  _ That’s where we went wrong last time. If I freak out again tonight—that would be bad. Really fucking bad. So slow down, flyboy, and take a deep breath.  _ Poe kissed his way down Finn’s neck instead, searching for the spots that would make Finn moan.  

Finn resumed his previous agenda, getting to the know the delightful curves of Poe’s ass. He moaned, loud and long, when Poe kissed over his pulse point. “Yeah.” He struggled to get the words out. “Getting to know each other. Good plan.”  

“One thing I know already—” Poe sucked a quick mark into Finn’s neck, just to hear him make a noise like that again— “you’re an ass man, aren’t you.” He peeked up at Finn with a crooked smirk.  

“I am  _ so  _ a fucking ass man. And yours is  _ superior. _ ” Finn inched his fingers underneath the waistband of Poe's jeans, getting as much of his hands as he could on that ass.  

“Really?” Poe’s face heated. “I think you’ve got us confused, sir.”  

“Mmm. Mmm. What?”  

Poe laughed and ran his thumb over Finn’s beautiful mouth.  _ “You,  _ sir, are the one with the incredible ass. Which you’re currently wasting by lying on the couch with it, when I could be, um.”  _ Fondling? Groping? Oh god, this is so embarrassing. _ “Touching it?”  

“Mmm. But then I lose access. I don't want to cede territory here.” Finn arched up with his hips, using the pressure on Poe's ass to grind them together.  

_ “Jesus,” _ Poe choked. He buried his face in the crook of Finn’s neck for a moment, trying to catch his breath. “Do that again,” he croaked at last, “and I may explode.” He kissed Finn’s collarbone. “But what a way to go.”  

Finn nuzzled in, then sought Poe's lips, capturing them again, unable to stop.  

Poe tried to kiss Finn back, but his mouth kept slipping off Finn’s, grinning too broadly to kiss him properly. The heat of Finn’s hands grounded him, strong and gentle and  _ oh god  _ kissing Finn felt like flying, glorious and free and  _ safe  _ all at the same time.  

As their mouths slanted together, Finn worked one of his hands around to the front of Poe's jeans, fingering over the button. He broke the kiss, panting. “Can I?”  

Poe arched into Finn’s touch, letting Finn’s fingers drag down the aching bulge of his cock. “Fuck.” He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Finn’s shoulder. “I haven't had sex in seven years,” he said, almost too quietly to hear his own voice. “Not since. Coming back. I don’t know—I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m scared.”   

“It's okay to be scared, honey,” Finn whispered back. “What would help? More of this?” Finn stroked over Poe's clothed cock, then arched again, groaning when their cocks made contact. “Or kissing, if that's too much?” Finn bit down on his lip. He was fairly sure that if he got any harder, he'd get stuck like this, walking around with a boner for the rest of his life. Then again, working at the garage with Poe was basically that, anyway.  

“Just—” Poe bit his lip, hard. “Be gentle,” he pleaded. Which was absurd, fucking absurd, of course Finn would be gentle. Finn was always gentle, all the way through. That’s why they were in this position in the first place. But he just couldn’t quite shake his bone-deep fear that touching his body meant hurting it. “Please,” he whispered again. “Be gentle.”  

Finn cupped Poe's face, sweeping a thumb over Poe’s abused lip. When he kissed Poe this time, it was with a featherweight touch, more a press of lips than anything more. He continued, pressing kisses to Poe's cheeks, his eyelids, his temple, then moving lower, along his jaw, and back to his lips. All the while, one hand, his good hand, was sliding down Poe's chest, feeling the thud of his heartbeat, down over Poe's stomach, and to the button again. When Finn captured Poe's lips once more, his fingers dealt with the button, and then the rasp of the fly unzipping mixed with their breaths. Slowly,  _ gently now, Finn _ , slowly, he slid his hand inside Poe's briefs, brushing lightly over the heated skin of Poe's cock. He hesitated then, even as everything inside him was begging Finn to close his hand over his newfound discovery.  

Poe tried to relax into Finn’s touches, he really did, but he couldn’t stop shaking, he just couldn't stop— He grabbed Finn’s wrist and pinned it to the back of the couch, far away from his body. “Yellow,” he finally croaked.  _ “Yellow.  _ Just—please. Please. Don’t—don’t—”  _ Don’t hurt me,  _ he begged, wishing many gruesome deaths to the part of his jerkbrain that couldn’t stand anyone’s hands on his body.  

“Yellow. It's okay. Yellow,” Finn swallowed, unsure of how to... Help? It didn't seem like right word. “Just, um, can we…” Finn’s face flamed. “Um, separate? Because, um…” He twitched involuntarily against Poe, hardly able to switch gears with the pressure still on his cock.  

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. Sorry.” Poe let go of Finn’s wrist and kneeled up over Finn’s legs. He looked down at his knees, flushed with shame, unable to meet Finn’s eyes. He ran a hand down the outside of Finn’s thigh, missing the full-body contact. “It makes me nervous,” he finally blurted out. “Touching. I want it, I do, I want it so badly, but it scares me, and I don’t—I don’t know what to do.”  

Finn held out his hand. “Nothing more than this, I promise.”  

Poe folded Finn’s hand between his and held on for dear life, trying to shake the choking grip of humiliation. He ran a finger across Finn’s knuckles—and stopped, struck by a sudden idea. “Maybe—” His eyes flicked up to Finn’s again, afraid of what he’d find there. “Maybe I can—guide your hand? Control what’s—what’s happening.”  

“Do you—do you touch yourself? When you’re alone?”  

“Of course.” Poe’s face heated even further. “Doesn’t everyone? Or—most people, I guess.”  

“Well I know I do,” Finn replied with a wink, going for a smile. He sobered, though, biting his lip and giving Poe a long look over. When he returned to Poe’s face, he flushed. “Show me?”  

“Is this ok with you?” Poe asked first.

_ Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes. _ “Yes,” Finn croaked.  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed at him. This was a  _ great  _ idea. His cock hardened again in a rush as his heart settled back into his body, emboldened and safe. “Well, then. I want to see you too.” He nodded at the straining fly of Finn’s jeans. “Can I?”  

_ YESYESYES. _ “Please, god, yes.” Finn held his breath, watching Poe, watching Poe’s hands.  

A long time ago, little Poe had torn off the wrapping paper of a birthday present to find a box underneath, and laughed at in delight: _a box! how wonderful!_ _what more could one ever need?_ He’d seen no point in opening it to find out what was inside. 

Sliding his fingers over the bulging denim of Finn’s crotch felt just the same. He already had the present—why open it? He would happily spend the rest of his life right here: Finn’s warm body, rough-textured cloth, Finn’s breath stuttering beneath him, the barest give of Finn’s dick beneath his touch. But there  _ was  _ a present inside the box now, one he’d been waiting for since—well, since he’d met Finn, probably. Poe flicked the button open, then slid the zipper down. He braced their joined hands on Finn’s stomach as he slipped Finn’s boxer briefs over his cock, letting it spring free. “God,” he said, brain shorting out. “Oh god. Off.” He tugged at Finn’s jeans. “Take these off.”  

Finn scrambled to comply, trying not to dislodge Poe in the process. He scooted the material over his hips, groaning in frustration as he kicked his legs. “Christ, I should have listened to you. Sweats. Instead of trying to look good.”  

“It’s ok, sweetheart.” Poe slid off the couch and helped yank Finn’s jeans and boxers off. “You did look good, and you—you still do,” he managed, dazed. Finn was one long gleaming line, from the flash of his smile to the cut of his hip to the slick crest of his cock to the curve of his calves.  _ “Jesus.  _ Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”  

Finn held back a snort. He wasn’t beautiful, not really, but no way in hell was he going to stop Poe now for a philosophical discussion about self-esteem issues in PTSD survivors. He shook his head instead, stroking over his stomach with his good hand as he blatantly ogled Poe, bare from the waist up, jeans undone, happy trail leading down below the waistband. “Thank you,” he replied, voice barely above a whisper. “All yours, too.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled down at him, bubbling over with fondness. He stepped back towards Finn, then tripped over the hem of his unzipped jeans and nearly fell over onto the couch. “Shit.”  

Finn giggled. Then snorted at his giggle, then laughed outright. “Fuck, I adore you.”  

“Well.” Poe caught himself on the back of the couch, leaned over Finn, and kissed him. “Right back at you. Um.” He looks down at his gaping fly. “I should probably take these off before I hurt myself, huh.”  

Finn’s hands were still playing at his stomach, slipping lower all the while. “If you want, I certainly wouldn’t complain.”  

“Ok.” Poe shoved his jeans down, stepped out of them, tossed them aside, and straightened up, feeling like he was reporting for morning inspection.  

“One day,” Finn murmured, holding out a hand to pull Poe down, “I’m going to spend hours, just my mouth, and your body, slowly convincing you how attractive you really are.” He grinned. “I, uh, am really looking forward to that.”  

“Yeah?” Poe let Finn pull him back down to the couch. He fit his body in beside Finn’s and laid his head on Finn’s shoulder. “Well. Once I’ve recovered from that, it’s my turn. So mark your calendar.” He turned Finn’s head to his and kissed him, slow and sweet.  

“I can’t wait,” Finn whispered when they’d broken off. With a small smile, he laid his hands in Poe’s. “But you said something about direction?” Unable to resist, he leaned over, kissing the tip of Poe’s nose.  

“I did,” Poe said, mouth dry. He kissed Finn’s hands one by one, then turned on his side to face Finn.  _ Shit, we should have lube, or lotion, or something!  _ In a sudden fit of boldness, Poe slipped a few fingers into Finn’s mouth for him to suck.  

Eyes steady on on Poe’s, Finn rolled his tongue around Poe’s fingers, savoring the salty taste of Poe. When he sucked lightly on the blunt tips, he let his eyes close briefly, enjoying the feeling.  

Poe may have lost track of time for a minute or two while staring at the close of Finn’s lips over his fingers, but they were good minutes, well worth losing. “Hnnnggh,” he managed at last, and drew his fingers out. He nudged Finn up onto his side against the back of the couch and hiked his leg up over Finn’s thigh to press their bodies together. Carefully, dazedly, holding his breath, he wrapped Finn’s hand around both of their cocks, folded his fingers over Finn’s, and twisted up in one experimental stroke.  

Finn cried out, then cut himself off, embarrassed. “That feels so fucking good,” he said instead, his fingers mixing their precum together as they stroked over their cocks. “I am... not going to last long,” he muttered, still embarrassed.  

“‘S ok, buddy,” Poe mumbled into Finn’s shoulder. He curled his free hand around the back of Finn’s head and kissed him, breath stuttering at each new stroke. Finn’s cock felt awkward in his hand, he couldn’t quite wrap his fingers around both of their cocks together, but Finn’s hand felt  _ so fucking good  _ around his cock. He really wanted to bottle up this feeling, Finn’s body against his and Finn’s breath on his shoulder and Finn’s cock hot and hard against his own, sparking his nerves back to life.  

Finn moaned, latching onto Poe's neck and sucking hard, pulling back at the last second to gauge Poe's reaction. “Sorry,” he whispered along Poe's skin. “Won't hurt you, promise.”  

“That’s ok,” Poe murmured. His initial panic was rapidly ebbing, leaving hickeys on the  _ yes please more  _ list. “You can—you can do that.” Finn’s cock pressed against his stomach, then bobbed back beneath their hands, glinting with precum and flushed deep purple. Poe slipped his hand beneath to cup Finn’s balls in his hand, trusting Finn to take over the rhythm.  

“Mmmph,” Finn groaned, accepting the invitation at face value and levying onto Poe's neck again as he pumped, pumped, pumped them together. It felt better than any bathroom handjob he'd ever gotten, though he thought fleetingly of the tiny garage bathroom, of being pushed against the door by Poe, of Poe taking him in hand just like this, eyes on his, because they hadn't been able to resist each other any longer. “Oh!” The orgasm that shouldn't have come as a surprise did somehow, exploding pleasure through Finn’s spine even as he kept stroking them together, his cum sliding all over Poe's cock now.  

Poe lost his breath entirely at the sight of Finn’s body arching against his, eyes shut, mouth parted, head thrown back.  _ Gorgeous,  _ he tried to say, throat tight.  _ You’re so fucking gorgeous.  _ He stroked Finn through orgasm, slowing over the sensitive skin.  

“ _ Fuck.”  _ Finn captured Poe’s lips, pouring everything he was feeling into the kiss. He hoped it translated, because lord knew his brain wasn't working enough to make coherent sentences.  

Poe kissed Finn back for all he was worth, cupping both hands around his face. Maybe he was still rutting against Finn’s hip, maybe he was flying in Finn’s arms, who knew, who cared, the world was glorious.  

Finn’s hand was still stroking without Poe to guide him, and he hoped to all the stars that it was okay. He didn't even want to talk, didn't want to shatter the magic of this moment, watching Poe on edge, hoping he'd tip over. Poe looked glorious, flushed, sweat sheening over his temple, and Finn couldn't resist pressing a kiss there, to his wet curls.  

Poe didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want to leave Finn’s arms, he wanted to just stay here forever and ever—then Finn’s fingers caught beneath the ridge of his cock with the perfect pressure. Orgasm rippled through him like a shockwave, startling and overwhelming. As it finally ebbed, he blinked back to awareness, boneless and sweaty and sticky and content. “Mmhmm,” he said, or something like that, eyes caught on the incredibly long curl of Finn’s lashes.  

Finn was lost in the sound of their heartbeats together, not quite beating as one, but beating close enough to tandem for Finn to find comfort there. He sought out Poe’s hand, linking their fingers together and bringing them up to lay on his chest.  

Poe curled closer into Finn. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been so comfortable, so—happy. Not with any previous boyfriend, that was for sure.  _ I did it,  _ he thought to himself, giddy.  _ I did it, and it was ok. So much more than ok.  _ He wasn’t sure why his eyes were stinging. “Hey,” he murmured at last, and kissed Finn’s cheek. “You still breathing? Was that—was that ok?”   

“I'm still breathing, but I might be brain dead.” Finn's lips curled into a smile as he met Poe's eyes. “That was...transformative. That will fuel my fantasies for weeks.”  

“Yeah?” Poe couldn’t suppress a foolish grin. “I hope they won’t stay fantasies.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after we finished this section, Lights and I broke out champagne emojis for the boys. They got there, they really got there!


	12. Dinner at Finn's Pt 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of sex, our boys share some tender moments, and learn more about each other.

Finn lifted his bandaged hand to sweep away Poe's curls, then paused and looked sheepishly at the sweat-loosened material. “I might need Dr. Poe again,” he said with a wink.  

“Uh-oh.” Poe yawned so hard his jaw nearly cracked. “‘M not sure Dr. Poe can see straight yet.” He shoved his own hair out of his eyes, then scowled at his still cum-streaked hand. “Oh,  _ gross.  _ I did not just get that in my hair.”  

Finn laughed. “My shower is kind of small, but effective, at least. I'd promise to wash your hair, but…” he waggled his bandaged fingers. “I'm supposed to keep it out of water.”  

Poe forced a laugh. “Um. That’s ok.” He sat up with a groan. “I’ll go get the bandages, and fix your hand.”  

“Mmm. No rush, really. I've got tissues around here somewhere. Or you're welcome to my bathroom. Hey—" Finn waited for Poe to look back at him.  

“What?”  

“I adore you.”  

“Yeah?” Poe ran a hand—his clean hand—over Finn’s hair. “Well. I still think you’re crazy. But I’ll take it.” He hesitated. “You’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met. You know that?”  

“You keep saying. Maybe I can start believing it.”  

“Work on it.” Poe clapped Finn’s shoulder, yanked his shirt and jeans back on, and headed off for the bathroom. He carefully cleaned off his hair with a handful of toilet paper, washed his hands, gathered the bandage supplies again, then returned to Finn. “Doctor’s in. What seems to be the problem here?”  

Finn was in the middle of pulling his jeans back on. “Well, it seems I'm terrible at keeping this thing on.” He zipped up his fly carefully then left his button undone. No point in being formal now, he supposed. He sat, pulling off the bandage Poe had so sweetly put on before. “Sorry. You did such a nice job, too.”  

“That’s all right.” Poe sat next to him, then paused. “Wait—do you want to shower first, before I put it back on? So it doesn’t come off again.”   

Finn opened his mouth, then hesitated. “That seems really rude of me, though, just leaving you out here?”  

“It’s fine.” Poe arranged the bandages and cream on the couch in one neat line.  

“Okay, I'll be fast. I can't get this thing wet for another day, so I can't wash my hair anyway.” Finn leaned over, brushing a kiss over Poe’s cheek. “Thank you,” he whispered.  

“Yeah, of course.” Poe straightened the line of bandages again. “Not going anywhere.”  

Finn bit his lip, then vowed to be fast. He was used to that anyway, he figured. He went by the kitchen to grab a grocery bag, wrapped his hand up in it, and walked back to the bathroom, glancing worriedly at Poe. He chewed his lip as he waited for the water to warm, unsure of Poe’s mood. Things had seemed... okay. So what had changed? Self-doubt gnawed at him as he hastily scrubbed at his body with one hand, washing quickly, like he was back on base. He toweled off as quickly as possible, running into his room to grab a pair of sweats and a tee to dress in. He swore as he snagged his stitches on the tee as he pulled it down. “Okay,” he said in a rush, sitting down beside Poe again and holding his hand out.  

“All clean?” Poe smiled and kissed his cheek.  

“As I can get right now anyway.” Finn watched Poe silently for a second, then opened his mouth. Then shut it again. And frowned.  

“Are you…all right, buddy?” Poe took Finn’s hand.  

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Finn admitted. Maybe it was the loss of such—such intimacy that they’d been sharing moments ago, that this felt...wrong? No. Different, though. What if Poe wouldn’t want him anymore now that they’d—but that was ridiculous.  

“Oh,” Poe coughed. “Fuck it, am I really that obvious? Jess keeps insisting I am, but she was a spy, so she's got her own superpowers.” Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Fuck. Fuck it. Fuck it all.” He took a deep breath. “Ok. Um. I'm probably never going to want to, um. Take a sexy shower with you. I probably should have just—I don't know. Found a way to say that earlier.” He tried to un-hunch his shoulders, but they seemed to be locked in position. “I mean—I shower, obviously I shower, it's just—showers are—hard? I have to, kind of. Focus. I don't really want to risk, like. Having another person in there.” He should probably let go of Finn’s hand before he breaks it. “Um. I'm sorry. I should have just told you, I guess.”  

Finn folded his good hand over Poe’s. “I’m glad you told me.” He brought Poe’s still tense hand up to his lips. “I’m not saying you need to tell me everything, but. When it’s a boundary like that, that’s important to your safety, to  _ my _ safety.” He leaned against Poe, laying his head on Poe’s shoulder, hands still clasped in Poe’s. “I’m glad you told me. It’s going to take both of us getting used to it, I think. Or deciding if we really want to sign on for this. Your way of dealing is to...ignore it. I—I—I—My background. I will probably  _ always  _ be hyper-aware of your moods.”  _ Know what mood Dad’s in, and maybe you can avoid getting hurt tonight, Finn. _ “It’s—it’s a thing. Hyper-aware, and hyper-sensitive as to what those moods mean for me. I’m—" Finn pulled away, twisting his own hands together, noted absently that he’d snagged a stitch too hard and it had bled. “I’m sorry. It’s in your nature to hide it, and it’s in my nature to pry, to worry until I’ve worried you to death. I can understand if—if that’s more than you want to sign up for.”  

“Oh, baby.” Poe flung his arms around Finn and held on tight. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.” He stroked Finn’s back with a shaking hand. “You can always ask, if you’re worried about something. Ok? If I can’t talk about it, then I’ll tell you that, and I’ll—I’ll try to explain when I can. I’m—I’m—not—good at talking about it? But I can get better at it, I will. I will. And—and if you can—hold onto this: I don’t get mad easily. Or often. You’d have to actively try to hurt me. You’d know if you had. And honestly, I can’t imagine you ever doing that. That’s part of why I—what I like about you.” He stared at the far wall, blinking hard. “I’m so sorry you’re—you’re—aware, like that. I’m glad you told me. It’s really helpful for me to know that.” He pulled back just far enough to see Finn’s face. “Is there any other way I can help you feel safe?”  

Finn met Poe's eyes, pleading. “Just...I don't want you to get hurt by telling me either. Like earlier. So I guess we have to walk a fine line.”  

“Well.” Poe shrugged. “We can do that. We'll figure it out.” He cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand, wishing he could smooth out the wrinkle in Finn’s brow. “When I’m not ok, I’ll try to tell you why that is so you don’t worry. And if you’re worried, then ask me, and at the very least I can say something like it’s my own shit, it’s not about you, nothing to worry about.” He bit his lip. “Would that help?”  

“Yeah.” Finn leaned into Poe's hand. “I'm sorry.”  

“Uh-uh.” Poe grinned at him. “No apologizing for freaking out. I’m going to hold both of us to that.”  

Finn smiled back. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Okay.”  

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “Thanks for, well. For being ok with it. Maybe, um. Maybe we can take a sexy bath instead, someday?” He gathered Finn’s hands into his, then frowned down at them. “Wait. Shit. You’re bleeding again. How the hell did that happen?”  

“Oh, um. I snagged it. I don't think I tore it though. Stupid. Was rushing.”  

“Shit.” Poe picked up Finn’s bandaged hand and probed the gash as gently as he could. “Let me patch this up now, so you don’t go bleeding on everything.” He dabbed at the site with a spare bit of gauze, applied a bit of the cream, and smoothed a bandage down over the wound. “Ok, there. I think that should hold. Does it hurt? I can go back and grab painkillers or something.”  

“No, I'm okay. What about you? Should you be getting home? Or do you want to stay and cuddle for a little while?” Finn flexed his fingers. “ Thank you.”  

“I’d love to cuddle.” Poe smiled at him, caught for a moment in the way the soft light of the living room backlit Finn’s hair like a halo. “But, I don’t know, what time is it? When do you need to get to bed?”  

“I was just planning on lazing about tomorrow.” He eased his arm around Poe's waist, snuggling into his side. “If another day of that doesn't drive me crazy, anyway. Maybe I can research, uh, colleges, tomorrow. God, I don't know whether to be excited or scared about that.”  

Poe considered that for a moment. “Both? Is both an option? Hmm. Is there someone you can talk to, maybe? Career counselor, college advisor, something like that.” He tugged Finn down to lie on the couch with him.  

“That's a good idea. I have a smart cookie for a boyfriend.” Finn kissed Poe sweetly, then worked his way into the crook of Poe's neck. “I like this.”  

“Flatterer.” Poe poked Finn’s ass. “Smart cookie, huh? Takes one to know one.”  

Finn flushed, pleased. “So have you always been good with your hands?” Finn took a beat to realize what that sounded like. “I mean—with mechanics stuff. Although…”  

Poe laughed. “Suuuuure, buddy, of course that’s what you meant.” He ran a hand down Finn’s side and stopped at his hip, thumb nestled in the dip below his hipbone. The sweats were a tantalizing middle ground between naked and clothed, just revealing enough to send a little tendril of heat through Poe’s stomach. He sighed. “Yeah, I guess? I’ve always liked machines and things. Had a remote-controlled car when I was little, perfect for terrorizing my neighbors with.”  

Finn laughed, imagining a pint-sized Poe, tearing around his neighborhood. It was a great image. “Tell me more about kid Poe. Did you grow up here?”  

“Yeah, pretty close by—about twenty minutes north. My parents had a sheep farm—my dad still does most of the work on it. Hired a few strapping high-schoolers to help out. Good place to grow up—people are chill, not a lot of pressure. Went down to the river and stuff on weekends, or out to one of the lakes, maybe the movies or something, instead of the mall like these crazy young people.” Poe stuck his tongue out. “What did, um.” He hesitated. “Is it ok if I ask questions? Not about the bad stuff, if you don’t want. Just, like. What you did for fun, and stuff like that.”  

“Yeah. Same rule goes? If I ask something you don't want to answer, just go with yellow or red?”  

“Ok.” Poe tangled their legs together, drawing Finn closer. “What did you do for fun, like on the weekends and stuff?”  

“It, uh, depended, you know? On... things.” Finn paused. “But, um, on good days, I liked to get out, hang out with Slip, play ball. If Slip was around. His mom was one of my dad's regulars. Like, we stayed with her sometimes, until she'd get fed up and kick him out again and we'd be on to another one. Anyway. Slip and I liked to play two-man.”  

_ Regulars.  _ For a moment, Poe couldn’t breathe past the furious burn in his gut.  _ How can someone just fucking—no, ok, not helpful, redirect.  _ “What, um.” Poe coughed. “What’s two-man? I don’t think we ever played that growing up. Maybe I was so bad at it that I blocked it out?”  

“Oh,” and Finn laughed a little. “Country kid huh? Basketball. I was okay. I'm a little short. Slip was taller, so I just got good at stealing the ball and getting it to him.” He smiled. “I haven't thought about that in awhile. Maybe I should find a league around here, you know, for fun. Slip would like that.”  

“Country kid,” Poe agreed, “plus my hand-eye coordination does not extend to playing ball of pretty much any kind. Maybe we can find a hoop and you can teach me?” He winked at Finn. “There must be a league somewhere. Ask Snap, he’s tall.”  

Finn wrinkled his nose, realized what he was doing, and cleared his face. “Confession? Snap makes me a little nervous. Or maybe it’s that all of you are so tight. I think I'm finally getting the hang of Jess.”  

“Hmm.” Poe rubbed small circles into Finn’s ass. “Well, he’s not great at people-ing, that’s for sure. But he is a really good person. And he knows a shit ton about engines, so he’s always been my go-to guy. Why does he make you nervous?”  

“He's hard to read, I guess. And you're right, he's amazing with the engines.”  

“Well, maybe you guys can play ball someday and get to know each other. He’s got the height, but I’m going take a wild guess that you’re a lot faster than he is, since he doesn’t really believe in running. Could be an interesting game. Jess and I will take bets and cheer from the sidelines.” Poe paused.  _ “I  _ will cheer from the sidelines. Jess will get out there and kick both of your asses.” He kissed Finn’s jaw, then down along his neck. “Oh,” he said, voice muffled in the collar of Finn’s t-shirt, “and ask Snap about music. Any kind of music. He knows every single song that’s ever been written, and has opinions on most of them.”  

_ I can be safe here,  _ Finn thought, and then was immediately shut down with  **_That's what you always think._ ** “Thank you, seriously.”  

“Of course.” Poe laid his cheek on Finn’s chest and closed his eyes. “He understands shit, too,” he added after a moment. “I met him at group, a few years ago. He doesn’t go anymore, but he used to. So, I mean. Don’t worry if something happens again. He gets it.”  

“Dameron’s home for misfits. I'm glad to be a part of it.” Finn filtered his fingers through Poe’s hair, watching his steady breaths.  _ I can be safe here,  _ he thought again, more determinedly, and this time the dark voice didn't answer back. _Probably biding its time._  

“Well.” Poe kissed the divot at the base of his neck. Finn’s fingers felt  _ wonderful  _ in his hair, combing out the tangles, massaging right down to his brain. “I’m glad you’re a part of us. Shop wouldn’t feel right without you.” Poe hesitated a long time. “Neither would I,” he murmured at last.  

Finn’s fingers hesitated briefly in Poe's hair, and he pressed a kiss to Poe's forehead. “Thanks. That means a lot to me.”  

“Oh, sweetheart,” Poe murmured. He tipped his face up and kissed Finn again, sweet and slow. He brushed his fingers over the soft arc of Finn’s hair, pressed up against the warm lines of Finn’s body, and smiled at the quiet huff of Finn’s breath.  

Finn let himself sink into Poe, into the feeling of rightness he felt in Poe's arms. “I don't want to let you go.”  

“Then don't.” Poe grinned at Finn, swiped a thumb over his cheek, and kissed him again.  

Finn wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, in that perfect state of bliss, lazy kiss blending into lazy kiss, soft murmurs passing between them as naturally as breathing.  

Poe could feel the tension drain out of Finn’s body with every new kiss. He hiked a leg up over Finn’s thigh and ran a hand down the long muscles of Finn’s back, all the way to the warm strip of skin between Finn’s t-shirt and sweats.  

“When can we do this again?” Finn whispered, eyes halfway closed.  

“Well.” Poe tucked his head against Finn’s shoulder. “We’ve got all weekend.” He bit his lip against a grin. “And I don’t know about you, but I really want to try that again.” He rocked his hips gently against Finn’s. “But, um. I assume you’ve got a routine, and all. I don’t want to mess that up. Do you want to call it a night?”  

“I—maybe it's for the best?” Finn winced, going he looked apologetic. “I mean, both of us have issues with... with night and sleeping. Maybe we shouldn't…” Finn tipped his head toward Poe’s. “I don't want to let you out of my arms, though, especially when you move your hips like that.” He slipped a hand down, squeezing one of Poe's hips in appreciation.  

“Practice makes better?” Poe covered Finn’s hand with his. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. I don’t mind switching to the couch halfway through the night if something happens. But I’m also happy to go home now, if you’d rather.”  

“In that case…” Finn swept his lips over Poe’s. “Poe Dameron, will you go to bed with me?”  

“Shit. Will you say that again?”

Finn laughed. “Poe Dam—"  

“Mmm-hmm. Keep going.”  

“Poe Dameron, will you go to bed with me?” Finn stuck his tongue out at Poe.  

“To bed?” Poe waggled his eyebrows. “Or to sleep?” 

“And you say I'm the worst.” Finn sunk his fingers into Poe's ass. “Have I created a monster?”  

“You definitely—shit, yes, you can just keep your hands right there for the rest of the century—have. Yes. Um. Also, I just really like hearing you say that.” Poe kissed Finn once or possibly five times, maybe fifteen, math was irrelevant when lying in a demigod’s arms. “Yes,” he said at last, “yes, I would love go to bed with you, or to sleep, or both, or whatever you want, honestly.” He hesitated. “Ok, maybe just to sleep. I mean, in bed, but, you know, not—I had a great time earlier, and I kinda don’t want to push my luck.”  

“Third option. We go to bed, we sleep, we wake up, and then I get my mouth all over you like I wanted to.” Finn brushed his hand over Poe's crotch and winked. “Or we could rearrange some of those events.”  

“Jesus fuck,” Poe managed, and closed his eyes. “I, um. I don’t want to, um. Make any promises as to what future me will be comfortable with. But I am very much in favor of the general outline of that plan. It’s got, uh, good bones.” He traced the rising bulge in Finn’s sweats.  

Finn snorted. “ _ Bones.” _  He smoothed his hand back up to Poe's hip. “Of course, though, ‘bout the other thing. You owe me nothing, if you need to stop. I hope you know that.”  

“Yeah, I know.” Poe settled more comfortably into Finn’s embrace. “Thought I’d put it out there anyway. Wake-up head is, uh. Probably a shitshow waiting to happen.” His jaw creaked into a giant yawn. “Is there anything I should know about?” he asked. “I mean, you’ve said before that you sometimes have trouble sleeping. Is there anything I can do to help? Or at least not make things worse?”  

Finn pushed up, so he was leaning on this hand, looking down at Poe, hand resting casually over Poe’s stomach. “If I’m tossing and turning, I'll probably get up, walk a bit, distract myself, try not to wake you. But, um, I'm assuming the offer still stands that if...if I feel like harming myself, I can wake you up? Rather than call you?”  

“Shit, yes, please. Any time.” Poe belatedly relaxed his deathgrip on Finn’s arm. “Yeah. And if I can’t handle it, we’ll call someone who can. Ok?”  

Finn reached out for Poe's hand. “I want to be the person who doesn't need the safety net.”  

“Pffft.” Poe folded his fingers into Finn’s and stroked the back of Finn’s hand. “Everyone needs one.”  

“Thanks for being one of mine.”  

“Of course.” Poe smiled at Finn and kissed his forehead. “It’s a pleasure.” He smirked, then added, “Doesn’t hurt that it comes with the occasional perk, like amazing chicken soup and even more amazing sex. But even if it didn’t—” He held Finn’s eyes. “It would still be a pleasure.”  

“What about you? What should I know? I mean, I already know to let you be. Sorry about that, again, for making it worse. But like, are there triggers for your nightmares?” Finn continued to massage over Poe's hip.  

“Um.” Poe shifted in place. “Well. Sudden grabs or touches are not good. I mean, I’m pretty sure if we fall asleep together, that’s ok. I think I was at a bad angle last time, and my knee didn’t appreciate it, so I started to—anyway. Other than that—” He shrugged. “If I have a nightmare, you can try calling my name, that sometimes works. Or just—wait it out? I’m sorry, in advance. If I wake you up, or something. Shit, you don’t need anything else disrupting your sleep.”   

“The times I’ve slept with you—" and here Finn looked at Poe peevishly, as if daring him to comment, “Have been some of the most peaceful sleeps I’ve had since coming back. So, yeah, I’d love to give it a shot. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll just be truthful about it in the morning, and figure something out. We can be like those married couples in the old black and white shows that slept in separate beds.” Finn flushed. “Not that we’re getting married. Jesus, Finn.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, hiding it from Poe.  

“It's ok, sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder. “I'm glad you've slept well with me. I hope it's not because my impressive snoring knocks you out.” He nudged Finn’s hand down from his face and twined their fingers together.  

Finn squeezed Poe's hand tight. “So, I think I have a pair of pajama bottoms that would fit if you wanted to be more comfortable.”  

“That would be nice.” Poe sighed and snuggled in closer. “This doesn’t mean we have to move now, does it?”  

“This is lovely but it's better for my back to be in bed.”  Finn ran his hand down Poe's side. “It'll be lovely in bed, too, I promise.”  

“Well.” Poe slowly swung his legs over the side, sat up, and then leaned back comfortably against Finn’s stomach. “I guess I could be persuaded to move. Pretty damn cozy here, though.”  

Finn sat up, wrapping his arms around Poe's waist and kissing his neck. “Need me to carry you?”  

“Not a five-year-old,” Poe grumbled. “Anyway, that would hurt your back.”  

“Mmm, you're cute when you're tired.” Finn placed another kiss on Poe's cheek, then maneuvered carefully around him, standing and stretching, then holding his hand out to pull Poe up.  

“‘M always cute,” Poe mumbled. He let Finn pull him up, then collapsed into Finn’s arms. “And you’re always cozy.”  

Finn laughed, letting Poe lean heavily into his side as he led him back to the bedroom. He pulled back the covers, sliding in and then holding them open for Poe.  

“Wait, pjs. I should wear your pjs. Unless you’d rather I just wear boxers.” Poe grinned at Finn.  

“Oh right, um, well there's something to be said about easy access… But seriously, whatever you're comfortable with, honey.” Finn started to roll out of bed again.  

“Little too cold to just sleep in boxers. Although I’m starting to think you could be my personal space heater.”  

Finn finished his roll, then began sifting through one of his drawers. “How about these?” he asked, handing a pair off to Poe.  

“I don’t know, man, how do I look?” Poe modeled them in front of his jeans and did a slow turn.  

Finn caught Poe around the waist and dragged him in for another kiss. “Delectable like always.”  

“Mmm?” Poe kissed him back, then reluctantly broke away. “Nah, that’s  _ you,  _ my man.” 

_ Should I go change in the bathroom? No, that’d be silly, we’ve already seen each other naked.  _ Poe yanked off his shirt and jeans, then hastily tugged on Finn’s sweats. The scars and scraggly lines of his body seemed even more prominent in the bright light of Finn’s bedroom. “Shit—” He scrounged in the pocket of his discarded jeans for the tiny pill case he’d brought—the just in case pill case, he’d dubbed it. “Hang on, I’ll just—” He disappeared to the bathroom to get some water to take the pills with.  

Finn climbed into bed while Poe was away, trying to decide if it was too weird to start his relaxation routine in front of him.  

Poe braced his hands on the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror.  _ Is this really a good idea, mamá? Maybe we should have quit while we were ahead.  _

_ Mijo, your definition of ‘good idea’ never matched mine.  _

_ Yeah,  _ Poe sighed.

_ On the other hand, my definition of ‘good idea’ included seducing your fa— _

_ That’s enough— _

_ Turned out to be a good idea, is all I’m saying.  _

Poe clicked the pill case shut, left the bathroom, and stepped back into Finn’s bedroom. 

_ Buena suerte, mijo.  _

_ Thanks, mamá. _

Finn smiled up at Poe when he walked back in, and lifted the covers again.  

Poe slipped in beside him. “Mmm, nice. You can come warm up my bed any day.” He kissed the curve of Finn’s bicep, just beneath the sleeve of his t-shirt.  

Finn hesitated a moment, then decided to plunge ahead. “I do, um, a thing. Before bed. To try and help me sleep? Just a breathing thing. But, um, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you.”  

“It’s fine! Like I said, I’m sure you have a routine. I don’t want to mess that up.”  

“I have another weird request.” Finn chewed on his lip.  

“Uh-oh.”  

Finn smiled a little at Poe's deadpan tone. “Will you hold me?”  

“Hmm.” Poe considered that. “Well. I mean, if you insist. I guess I could do that. For a second or two. Or a week, whatever.” He grinned at Finn. “I would love to.”  

“My boss might get mad if you hold me in bed for a week.” 

“I’m sure he’d understand.” Poe nudged Finn into a little spoon, then snuggled in behind him and wrapped an arm around his waist. “In fact, he might even close the shop for a week for the occasion.”  

“Poe Dameron, take a vacation? Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?”  

“I take vacations!” Poe protested. “I—” He thought for a moment. “Ok, fine, not often. But that’s just because I always feel like I’m catching up on all the work I miss on days when I can’t be at the shop.” Poe poked Finn’s side. “Anyway, you’re one to talk. Have you ever taken a day off? Other than when you slice your finger open, that is.”  

“Touche. Maybe if we make this work...I mean, no. When we've made this work for awhile, maybe we could go on one. Together.” Finn rubbed Poe’s arm, feeling the fine hair beneath his fingertips.  

“That sounds nice.” Poe buried his nose in the back of Finn’s neck and breathed in the faint spice of his soap. “Where would we go?”  

“Someplace accepting. So we can hold hands as we walk down the street. And make out in public.” Finn smiled. “And someplace warm.”  

“Hmm… Well, we could just go a little further south. Or a lot further. San Fran, LA, San Diego… But if you want to leave the state, maybe…Florida? We visited some of my dad’s family in Miami once. Lot of warm beaches around there. Or we could do some research, start saving up, go out of the country. There must be liberal places on the coast of Spain, France, Italy…Tel Aviv, even, one of the guys at group said they’re super liberal. Or Latin America, there must be safe places there. God, I want to go everywhere.” Poe kissed the back of Finn’s neck. “What about you?”  

“Maybe something small to start.” Finn shivered a little, in pleasure that was mostly rooted in comfort.  

“Long weekend to San Fran? Stay in a B&B, sleep in, climb hills, eat sushi, look at the bridge…”  

“Visit the fresh markets in Chinatown, get some good cioppino…okay why did it take me so long to realize I wanted to be a chef?”  

“Man, I don't even know what cioppino is!” Poe cackled. “No idea why it took you so long.”  _ Ok, I actually do have two ideas, both of whom are closely related to you. But maybe we can stay away from that for a little while.  _ “Sometimes the important things hide,” he said instead. “I didn't quite realize I was gay until I was eighteen and had already gotten into the Air Force.”  

“Ah, god. Was that a rude awakening?” Finn rubbed over Poe's hand in comfort.  

“Yeah?” Poe considered this. “Yes and no, I guess. I mean, it sucked in a lot of ways, and it was—I mean. It was kind of terrifying, I guess. I tried not to think about it a lot, but I knew I’d have to—have to hide, and I could get kicked out, dishonorable discharge, humiliated in front of everyone—that—that was—that was really scary.” He cleared his throat. “But, um. It also meant that the world just—made a lot more sense, I guess. I mean, I’d noticed for years that I just got really sad at the idea of marrying a girl someday, making a house with her. I didn’t really know why, thought it was maybe because I was sad about my mom—and who knows, maybe that was part of it too, in some way. But then I popped a boner during a George Clooney movie and, well.” Poe laughed. “Kind of hard to ignore that.”  

“Mmm. Yeah. The Silver Fox strikes again. To be fair, I don't know how any man stays straight when faced with the Clooney. But I'm glad to have you on the team, as it were.” The silence dragged on for a minute, then: “You really couldn't tell I liked guys? I mean, I'm not blatant but. I guess I'm more subtle than I thought. Glad I made a move or we'd both be alone tonight, probably.”  

“I’d have been alone for the rest of my life, pal. I took myself out of the whole dating thing years ago.” Poe cuddled in closer. “Hell, who knows, maybe you were blatant and I just didn’t notice because I was trying not to. So yeah, good thing you made a move. Make one again, any time.” He kissed Finn’s shoulder. “How’d you realize you were bi? I mean—if you want to talk about it.”  

“Slip.” Finn shuddered involuntarily. “I mean, being attracted to girls was easy to figure out, right? That's what you get pushed towards. And I had no qualms. Girls are lovely. But when the second girl dumps you for not spending enough time with her, you start to reevaluate your feelings for your best friend. And maybe then you realize you're bi, because you're head over heels for him, and sabotaging any relationship to be with him...and he's straight, so… So you shove it down deep.” Finn took a shaky breath, let it out. “I told you before, just a childhood friend. And that's true. Teenage me was in love with Slip, but it was...just a crush, you know? By the time he died, I'd brought myself back around to being friends. I guess it's...complicated.”  

Poe nudged Finn to face him and hugged him as tight as he could. “‘M sorry,” he said, throat tight. “I’m so fucking sorry, Finn.” He brushed the tears off Finn’s cheeks. “Sorry you couldn’t be with him. Sorry you lost him. God.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “Wish I could go back, and—and fix all of that for you.”  

Finn turned slightly in Poe’s arms, enough that he could brush a kiss over his lips. “If you fixed it, though, I probably would never have met you.” He settled back, facing his wall. “I feel like every time I open my mouth, I say something depressing.”  

“Well.” Poe leaned his forehead against Finn’s curls. “There is a lot of depressing shit in the world to talk about, that’s for sure. Could probably talk about it for days and not run out of subjects.” He twined his fingers in Finn’s again. “You don’t need to apologize for it, ever. I mean, I’m glad you met me, I’m so fucking glad, but what happened still sucks. No way around that.”  

“It's a little surreal, you know. Looking back. I'm not...belittling it by any means, just that. Sometimes I forget my normal is not everyone else's normal.”  

“Hmm.” Poe tucked his legs behind Finn’s, trying to put words to his thoughts. “Yeah, I bet.”  

“Go to sleep, baby. I'll follow soon enough.” Finn shut his eyes. Hopefully he wasn't telling Poe a lie.  

“I don’t know what to say,” Poe murmured. “When you talk about this stuff. I know what I want to  _ do,  _ I want to go back and find them and—” He unclenched his teeth and lowered his voice. “If there’s something I could say that would help—tell me, ok?”  

“You're doing a good job. Really. Especially for a guy without all the fancy letters after your name.” Finn felt Poe's body tense behind him.  

“I have plenty of fancy letters,” Poe laughed. “D. A. M. E. R. O. N. I can even add B. E. Y. when I feel like pulling out all the stops.” He kissed Finn’s ear. “But thank you. I’m glad I can help. I’m trying, I just—I don’t know what to do.”   

Finn laughed a little, then sobered. “Well, we talked about it before. I'm-I’m probably going to ask for lots of reassurance, and people have told me it's annoying how much I try to anticipate their moods, their wants.”  

“Hmm.” Poe stroked the back of Finn’s hand. “Well, I’ll tell you to back off if I need to. But you haven’t bothered me yet, and I have trouble imagining it, to be honest.”  

“Well I bothered you a little, on Thursday. When I was worried about your meeting.” Poe's fingertips on his hand felt nice, soothing even. He felt his eyes slip closed again. He might not even need to go through the whole breathing routine tonight.  

“Mmm,” Poe sighed. Finn’s bed was extraordinarily comfortable, or maybe that was just because Finn’s ass fit snugly against his thighs. “But I asked you to stop, and you did, and we talked about it later. That’s all we need to do, right?”  

“Yeah. That was really, really good. Thank you.”  

“Course, buddy. Always.” Poe smiled at the sleepy cadence of Finn’s voice. He pressed a goodnight kiss to Finn’s shoulder, then shifted to make sure his knee was in a comfortable position. “Go to sleep now, all right? I’ll be here when you wake up. Or if you need anything.”  

“Here's hoping I don't.”  _ Love you, Poe. _ “Goodnight.”  

“Good night, sweetheart.” Poe closed his eyes against the darkness of Finn’s bedroom.  _ Sleeping. Over. With my boyfriend.  _ He suppressed a giddy laugh.  _ I must be dreaming. But if so, I wouldn’t mind sleeping for another several hours.  _

Finn felt Poe settle in behind him. He could sense the edges of sleep, wavering around him like ghosts. He’d probably be asleep soon, if he didn’t let a spike of anxiety keep him up. 

His routine wasn’t complicated. Just counted breathing, in and out, steady. Almost like counting sheep, except concentrating on his breathing, and registering the relaxation in his body. As he took a breath in for four, he tensed and relaxed his toes, before tucking them closer to Poe’s body. He repeated the process, working up his body, tensing, then letting it relax into Poe’s embrace. It was slow, his mind falling asleep twice, then waking suddenly because the task was incomplete, and really, because his mind was a jerk. 

The last action he remembered was lifting his hands from Poe’s, squeezing them into tight fists, then relaxing again, twining their fingers together. 


	13. Dinner at Finn's Pt 4 - more like breakfast at Finn's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's a great way to cap a date-turned-sleepover? Eggs and toast and frank emotional discussions! :D

Poe woke with a start and sat up, disoriented and unsettled (what else was new?). He was in a small, dark room, the door was closed, it was dark, dark, dark—wait, ok, not actually that dark. The barest hint of light snuck out from behind the blackout curtains on the small window beside the bed. Poe took a few deep breaths, focusing on that. Curtains generally implied safety. But his room had curtains on the other side of the bed. Where the hell was he and what the hell was going on? Poe squinted at the small blinking light of a bedside clock. 7:12am.

He’d slept through the night without a single nightmare. This was Finn’s room. Finn’s bed. Finn himself slept on across the bed, peaceful and quiet. His brow was smooth in sleep, making him look years younger than he was. His beautiful lips curled up in the tiniest of smiles, just right to be kissed—but he needed all the sleep he could get.

Poe slipped out of bed instead to remove the temptation. He slid the pill case out of his jeans pocket again, puttered around in the bathroom, then stepped out into the living room, full of early morning sunshine. He seriously considered making breakfast for both of them, then discarded the idea. Finn would do a much better job, he didn’t want to embarrass himself with his horrible attempts at cooking, and he didn’t even know when Finn would wake up. Hopefully he would catch up on a bit of sleep.

Poe rummaged through Finn’s bookshelf instead, picked out the romance novel with the handsomest pirate on the cover, and settled in to read it.  

When Finn could sleep, it was generally dreamless, and he tended to slide out of sleep ready to go for the most part, no matter how little sleep he’d gotten. Which is why he had to blink several times at his bedside clock, the red numbers flashing 9:40am back at him, before he truly understood what was going on. He _never_ slept this late, not even on a day off.

Sometimes he’d lie there, on a Saturday morning, hoping to lull his body back into sleep. But no-go, never. The last few months had just seen a steady decrease in the amount of sleep Finn’s body forced him to function on.

A solid eight, at least, though? Finn’s brow furrowed. He couldn’t quite remember when he and Poe had actually headed to bed— _Poe._

Poe was definitely not here in bed. And the apartment was so quiet...he’d probably gone home.  Finn sighed, disappointed with himself for sleeping in, even though he felt—Christ, he felt amazing, post-orgasm and post-sleep, both. He kicked out of the bed, going through his morning routine in the bathroom, brushing his teeth.

He’d gotten halfway down the hall when he jolted at the sight of a man sitting on his couch. _Poe._ His heart lit up, quickening just a little. “Hey,” he said softly, trying not to startle the man, “You, um, didn’t have to stay. Or let me sleep in like that. Jesus, you must have been bored.” He sat down on the edge of the couch and tentatively reached out to massage over Poe’s shoulder.  

“Hey.” Poe grinned up at Finn. “Glad you got some sleep, buddy. Looked like you needed it.” He kissed Finn’s side, then slid over to make room for him. “Not going to just walk out on you—and what, leave a note saying thanks for the sex? Not my style. I’ve been reading your romances. Started with one that was a bit too violent, but this one about sexy accountants—” Poe squinted at the cover. “Yeah, my accountant really doesn’t look like that.  But, um. Cute story. Very entertaining. How’re you feeling?”  

Finn blushed as he slid down beside Poe and snuggled up tight. “I beg to differ. Sometimes, when you’re getting the accounts ready for your accountant, and you’ve got this little furrow, in your brow, right here—" Finn demonstrated by placing a kiss on Poe’s temple. “And it’s pretty sexy.” He brushed over Poe’s lips. “Imagine if you were like that all the time? Be still my heart.”  

“Hmm.” Poe tossed the novel aside, cupped Finn’s cheek, and kissed him back until they both were a little dizzy. “Better than the coveralls and boots? Or wait, half-zipped coveralls, isn’t that what you said? Arms tied around my waist, just a grimy undershirt. Bent over my workstation.”  

“That is— _Christ._ ” Finn shifted, leading Poe’s hand down to where he was suddenly, achingly, hard. “That’s an image, yeah.” He inched along Poe’s throat, pressing kisses as he went. “I’m helping you close up shop, everyone else has gone home, and yeah, maybe you’re bent over to start, but I’m going to want those legs wrapped around me, those boots digging into me as we move together.”  

“Ok,” Poe gasped. “Ok. Stop—” He pushed Finn back an inch with one shaking hand. “Shouldn’t have started something I didn’t really mean to—to—to finish.” He clasped his hands in his lap and stared at them. “Yellow,” he managed at last. “Yellow. We—we haven’t even had breakfast.”  

As if agreeing, Finn’s stomach gurgled, and he laughed, breaking the tension. “Yeah. Yup. Sorry.” He folded his hands in his lap, knowing a stupid grin still graced his lips. “Just. We did it. I mean, I think we did? Did you have any problems last night?”  

“What?” Poe stared at Finn. “Oh. Sleeping.” It took his brain a long time to switch gears. “Right. No. No, I was fine.” He tried to prop his smile back up. “You? You didn’t wake me up, so—you were ok?”  

“Yeah. It was easier falling asleep last night than in awhile. Thanks for that. And sorry about pawing you—I, um, have a pretty high sex drive, if you haven’t already figured that out, so sometimes I just get carried away. Sorry. Sorry. Cooling my jets.” Finn took a deep breath in and out, then laughed again when his stomach begged vocally for food. “I know it’s not always going to be like last night. Easy. Or easyish.” He held out his hand. “But…celebrating when it is? That’s a thing, right?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, um. Glad—glad you slept well.” Poe took Finn’s hand.  

“Yeah?” Finn’s smile wavered.  

“Yeah.” Poe tried to give Finn a real smile. It didn’t work well. _Shit. Shit fuck goddamn you’re triggering him, you asshole, you know better than that, just fucking talk to him, come on, you cowardly fuck, you can do this, you can—_ “I’m trying,” Poe said, eyes wide. “I’m trying.”  

“Hey.” Finn squeezed Poe's hand. “It's going to be okay. Breathe with me, Poe.”  

Poe gulped in air and clenched his free hand, trying to ground himself. “I,” he croaked. “I. I don’t like it. When you put my hands. Where you want them. I—I’m fucked up, ok? I’m sorry. I’m fucked.” He burst up from the couch and paced across the room. It was smaller than his own living room, or maybe just shaped differently, but either way, there wasn’t enough room to pace properly.

“I don’t,” he said. “It scares me. When people—people—” He ground his teeth, trying to get the word out. “Touch. My b-body. I’m fucked, ok? Nothing I can do about it, hasn’t changed in s-s-seven years. It helps when I feel like I’m in control.” He stopped and leaned his head against the far wall. “I’m sorry. I’m f-fucked. Fucked up. I should have t-told you—earlier.”  

“Okay. Okay.” Finn clenched his own hands. “Okay.” _It’s not rejection, just another trigger you need to know about. He's not rejecting you, Finn._ **_Sure he's not. Just like everyone else in your life you were never good eno—_ ** _shut up SHUT UP._ “Okay. Thank you for telling me. What can I—does anything help you feel in control again?”  

When Poe looked back at Finn, his gut clenched. “‘M not mad,” he rasped. “Not mad at you, baby. I’m just—scared. Scared and sick of this shit, I—” Poe jammed his hands into the pockets of Finn’s sweats and got himself back under control.  “You’re ok. I promise. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.” He stepped toward Finn and held out his hands.  

Finn wanted to reach out, then hesitated. “We can do this, right? We're… helping each other, not breaking each other, right?” He stood, fingers brushing at Poe’s hands lightly, not quite holding them, not sure of Poe.  

“I sure as fuck hope so,” Poe sighed. He carefully folded Finn into his arms and laid his head on Finn’s shoulder. “We’ll get there. I really think we will. We just have a lot of kinks to work out first.” He stroked Finn’s back, fingers slipping over the line of his scar through his t-shirt. “Are _you_ ok? I’m sorry I yelled, baby, I’m so fucking sorry.”  

“It’s…it is what it is. You have a right to be angry. I violated your boundaries.” Finn slipped his arms around Poe, too. “I'm sorry.”  

“I should have told you in the first place.” Poe’s shoulders slumped. “I don’t know. I used to like being—being—manhandled, I guess it is, and maybe part of me still does, I don’t know.” He was quiet for a moment. “But I’m not angry at _you.”_ He leaned back and held Finn’s eyes. “I’m angry at myself, at—” He waved a hand, eyes flicking away from Finn’s. “Not at _you,_ baby. You’re ok.”  

Finn nudged himself in a little closer, stroking over Poe's back. “Okay.” He laid his head on Poe's shoulder. “I just—it's okay, really. Even the lows with you, compared to the lows of before… Hell, honey, two weeks ago I was sure the dark voice was going to win. Now I've got a reason, a real reason, to beat it. Not that I'm putting that pressure on you, god. Please don't think I mean it like that. I just…couldn't stand it if it—if _I_ was making things worse for you.”  

“I’m glad, baby. I’m so glad. I—” Poe thought for a long moment. “I built myself a nice safe life,” he said at last. “And I’ve been living in it for seven years now. Everything is ok, and under control, and—and it’s probably about time I started taking some risks. If that means some instability, and fuck-ups, and problems—well. I think—I hope—I really do think it’s going to be worth it.” He tipped Finn’s face up and brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek. _“You’re_ worth it,” he said quietly. “We’re going to do this. As long as we both still want to, we—we can. We really can.”     

“I love you. Not to freak you out.” Finn closed his eyes, comforted by Poe's thumb. Besides, if Poe _did_ freak out, Finn figured they'd both need a second to themselves.  

 _I think I—_ Poe’s eyes followed the gentle furrows of Finn’s forehead down to the elegant rise of his cheeks and the soft bow of his lips, highlighted with late-morning sunshine. “I feel safe with you,” he said instead.  

Finn smiled as he opened his eyes. “That's good. I like that.” He rocked forward until his forehead rested against Poe's, and his stomach moaned again. “So, um, there's a nice little place around the corner. Or I could whip up something. Or if you need to go, god, I didn't even ask if you had plans today I'm keeping you from.”  

“Choice is up to you, Chef Finn. I have no particular plans.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “But I should probably head out after breakfast.”  

Finn flushed, pleased. “Okay. It'll be quicker if I just make something. Eggs and toast okay?”  

“Sounds wonderful. Lead the way. Oh, wait—do you want me to change the bandage again?”   

“Maybe after I cook.” Finn reluctantly broke away, started heading to the kitchen. “I keep forgetting to ask, do you have things you don't like? Like tomatoes, or rosemary, etc? I'd hate to make something only to find you're allergic to it. Or hate it.”  

“Never really liked seafood, but other than that, it’s all fair game.” Poe grinned at Finn. “Even herbs.”  

“Great!” Finn began taking out ingredients and pans, then paused. “I'm going to be kind of boring to watch, probably. You don't have to.”  

Poe hopped up onto the counter and smiled at Finn. “I could watch you all day, my man.”  

Finn felt his stupid grin grow back into place. He had a feeling he wore this expression a lot around Poe. Humming to himself a bit, he went through the now mindless steps of cracking eggs, fluffing up the liquid, adding salt and pepper. When he got ready to chop the onion and garlic, he hesitated, sliding a glance over at Poe quickly. He pulled out the chopping knife, efficiently smashing open the cloves of garlic with it. “So, favorites. Favorite movie? Show? Book?” He angled his body to try and block the view of the knife from Poe.  

“Pfffff…” Poe swung his legs back and forth. “You’re going to laugh at me.”

“Try me,” Finn said as he efficiently chopped the onion.  

“I think my favorite movie is Love Actually,” Poe admitted. “Which is, I guess, the other reason I’ll never tease you for reading romance novels.”  

“All you need is love,” Finn sang with a grin. He poured the egg-garlic-onion mixture into the plan and turned his burner to medium.  

“Now that’s the truth.” Poe beamed at him. “Ok, your turn. Also, aren’t you supposed to be teaching me here? Or should you just do the cooking and I’ll do the dish-washing for the rest of our li—for the rest of. You know. For a while. Um.” He cleared his throat.  

“Well, I never claimed to be a teacher. But since you do such a good job teaching me things at the shop…” Finn indicated the pan. “Don't turn the pan on too high, or it'll scorch the eggs, or worse, they won't be fluffy. Try to have everything chopped before you start cooking, so you can pay attention to your heat. And—" Finn leaned over, brushing a kiss across Poe’s cheek, “so you have time to kiss your boyfriend.” He paused to take in Poe's face. “Probably any sports movie. They get me every time. Plus Remember the Titans? Denzel with a little ‘fro going on? Yeah,” he whispered in Poe’s ear before turning back to the pan. 

“Mmm yeah, that was a good movie. Always liked Chariots of Fire, too.” Poe sniffed the air, enjoying the way the kitchen slowly filled with the savory zing of eggs and onions. “But it doesn’t warm my cold heart the way Love Actually does.” Poe smirked at Finn. “Or the way you do. I’ve changed my mind, forget the restaurant. You should write a cookbook that plans recipes around kissing your boyfriend.”  

“I'd make millions.” Finn started to nudge the cooking eggs around the pan, careful not to lose the fluffiness. “But only if you were with me on the cover. That face would sell 500,000 copies alone.”  

“Well, maybe,” Poe shrugged. “But yours would sell the other two million.” Finn's hands were as elegant and competent wielding a spatula as they were with a pair of pliers or with Poe's— Poe coughed, flushing down to his chest. “So. Um. Favorite. Favorite—book?”  

Finn eyed the eggs, trying to decide if they were done. Satisfied, he pulled the pan off the burner, carefully folded in halved cherry tomatoes, then sprinkled cheddar cheese over the whole thing. “Mmm. I really like the historical romances? There's this one that takes place in the Napoleonic era and it actually makes me laugh out loud.” He riddled through his cupboard for plates, and dished the  eggs up. “Oh, shit! I forgot the toast! Here, eat while it's hot, and I'll work on that.” He thrust a plate toward Poe.  

“I can make toast!” Poe hopped off the counter. “That's within my limited skill set. Sit, eat.”  

“But—"  

Poe raised an eyebrow and waited.  

“Right.” With a little smile, Finn took his plate and sat down.  

“Damn straight.” Poe pulled a loaf of bread out of the breadbox (who the hell has an honest-to-god breadbox?), stuck a pair of slices in Finn’s toaster, and carefully set the dial to medium. If he burnt the toast now, he’d never live it down. Satisfied, he picked up his plate again, pulled up a chair, and dug in. “That does it,” he said around a mouthful of the best eggs he’d ever had. “You’re cooking breakfast for me every morning from now on. Can you imagine how much more I’d get done if I came into the shop every morning after a breakfast like this?” He eyed Finn across the table. “Never mind, I’d never get to the shop and I wouldn’t get anything done. We’d have some fun, though.”  

Finn laughed, and god, that felt good. The good was _so_ good with Poe. Hopefully they could get past the bad quickly enough, with patience. “I’d be happy to, but yeah, I think you’d lose your business, and I rely on that place for an income, you know.”  He smiled around a forkful of eggs.  

“True,” Poe sighed, and shoved his fork into the fluffiest goddamn pile of eggs he’d ever seen. “Oh!” He brightened. “But once your restaurant or cookbook or both get off the ground, you’ll be able to support us on that! I’ll quit and become a…hell, I don’t know. Professional dishwasher? Pole dancer? Classy pianist in the corner?”  

Finn’s snort made him inhale eggs, and he coughed into his hand around his laughter. “Oh my god. Yes. I’ll open a classy strip joint, with a buffet, and you can be my pole dancer.”  

“There you go!” Poe grinned at him. “My mamá would be so proud.” He jumped up from his seat when the toaster dinged. “Your toast, sir!” He carried the pieces back to the table, tossing them between his fingers so he wouldn’t get burnt. “Et voila.”  

“Mmm, with these kinds of skills, you could be my sous chef.”  

“Sue? I’d rather be your Poe chef.”  

“No, sous,” Finn repeated with another snort. “Like second-in-command.” He tapped his fork against his chin thoughtfully. “On second thought, though, maybe you should be in charge of the dining room, since you’re so pretty.”  

“Pretty?” Poe tried to dial down his stupid grin, but his grin dialed itself all the way back up to eleven. “Well. I could try.” He raised a hand to fluff back his curls, then realized he was still holding his fork. “Anyway, I worked too damn hard for my stripes to be second-in-command to anyone.”  

“Okay, got it. So, I’ll go to school, become an amazing chef, so you can retire and be my arm candy trophy boyfriend. Am I missing anything?”  

Poe rested his chin on his hand and thought for a moment. “Nope,” he said at last, and grinned at Finn. “That sounds about right.”  

“Well then I better get started right away.” Finn piled some eggs onto his toast and took a bite.  

“Maybe not right away.” Poe’s eyes lingered on the stretch of Finn’s shirt over his shoulders.  

“Fair.” Finn blushed under Poe’s scrutiny. “It is a Saturday after all. But I think Monday, I’ll see about career counseling at the community college? I mean, I’d have to leave early to catch the bus that heads that way, I think. But I could come in early to make up for it.”  

“That sounds like a great plan! I hope they can help. You’re as free as the rest of us to make your own hours, so don’t worry about it. If I can’t trust that I’ll be able to come in nine to five every day, I can’t hold anyone else to that.”  

“I was—uh. Wondering about that. You don’t have to talk about it. But. Your bad days. Is that—is there anything I can do to help on them? Would you prefer I leave you alone? I just don’t—I don’t want to do the wrong thing, and mess up. Mess you up.”  

Poe blinked at Finn. “That’s—” He stopped. “That’s really nice of you. Um. I don't know. Is there—hmm.” He pushed a bite of eggs around on his plate. “Sometimes I’m, like. Dissociating. Or. Or, um. Anxious, like, just—certain something’s wrong, but not sure how to protect myself from it. Or most likely, just can’t sleep, so I go in and work on the cars all night, then go home and sleep it off.” He bit his lip. “I don’t know if there’s anything you could do to help. Usually it’s hard to be around people. But, um. Hugs always help. Help a lot. Also punching things, and shouting. Sometimes—sometimes that’s the only thing that helps me feel like I can handle it again. And I get it if you don’t want to be there for that.” He lifted his eyes to Finn’s. “I shouldn’t have—this morning—” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’ll find a way to get the—the anger out when you’re not around, if it makes you uncomfortable.”  

Finn slid his hand across the table. “It’s okay to tell me you don’t want me to be around you when you’re like that. And—and yeah. It’s probably best if I’m not around when you need to be angry. I am—I am not the best at distinguishing whether it’s aimed at me or not.”  

“I’m sorry.” Poe kissed Finn’s knuckles. “I can do that. Be angry somewhere else, I mean. It’s—I know this might be hard, or maybe impossible, to hold on to, but I meant it when I said that I don’t get angry easily. At real people, I mean. You’re ok. Even if I’m—shouting, and shit, it’s not at you, unless you really tried hard to earn it.”   

Finn shuddered. “That’s the problem. I always think I’ve earned it.” He ducked his head away, embarrassed.  

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.” Poe swallowed hard.  

Finn set down his fork, plate empty, and reached back for Poe’s hand. “I know. I—Just. We’re figuring it out. It’s one of the things I’m working on. I promise.” 

Poe folded Finn’s hands in his and rubbed his thumb over the back of Finn’s hand. “You’ll get there,” he said. “I know you will. And I’ll try to—to quarantine my anger, as best as I can. Get it out far away from you.”   

Finn nodded, enjoying the feeling of Poe rubbing his skin. It was comforting, gentle, when Finn felt rough and covered in hard edges. “Why don’t we say… if on bad days, you _do_ want those hugs, or need something from me, you’ll text me and ask—and don’t you dare feel bad about it, not after how many times I’ve woken you up at three in the morning to keep me from— Yeah. You’ll text me and ask me to come over. And if you don’t want me around, I’ll know radio silence means that. Although a text letting me know you’re safe might be nice. Or through Jess, or whatever system it is you currently use.”  

Poe nodded. “I can do that.” He thought about it, then nodded again, and smiled at Finn. “That sounds like another good plan.”  

Finn leaned over, patting Poe’s knee gently, before standing and beginning to gather the breakfast plates.  

“Oh no no no, that’s my job.” Poe stood, took the plates from Finn, and kissed his cheek. “You go sit and look pretty.”  

“Technically we _both_ cooked, this time,” Finn joked, but handed the plates over and leaned against the counter, watching Poe. Despite their difficulties this morning, the food and the sleep and simply being in Poe’s presence had him feeling warm with happiness.   

“Details, details.” Poe waved a hand. “Anyway, I have to earn my keep now before I can be your arm candy.” He glanced back at Finn and flushed at the appreciative light in his eyes. “I like seeing you smile,” he blurted out. “So fucking beautiful.”  

Finn blushed, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re the only one I’ve ever known to call me beautiful. But I like it.”  

“Really?” Poe stopped and stared, hands covered in suds. “Well, fuck that. I’m going to have to say that more often. Much more often.” He washed the last plate, rinsed it, balanced it in the dish drain, then turned back to Finn. “You’re beautiful,” he said. “Fucking gorgeous. And keep crossing your arms, it makes your biceps pop out of your shirt, and—” He clicked his tongue in appreciation.  

Finn looked down, surprised, then grinned. “You have my permission to ogle however much you want.” He deliberately flexed his biceps. Maybe the pushups were good for something.  

Poe’s breath caught in what might possibly have been termed a moan, if that were a sound that responsible adults made in their boyfriend’s kitchen, which of course it wasn’t, so of course he didn’t. Probably. He turned back to the dishes, washed the last fork three times, realized what he was doing, shoved it in the dish drain, rinsed off his hands for the last time, and turned around, hoping the towel in his hands was enough to cover his rising erection. “Good,” he managed at last. “Because I plan to take you up on that and ogle you frequently. Although not in the office. I’ll have to add that to the sign, No Boning and No Ogling in the Office.”  

“Awww. Even after hours?”  

Poe smirked. “Well…I could be persuaded. If no one else is around, doors are locked up…or I can bring the boots home someday.”  

“Tease,” Finn said, sticking out his tongue.  

“I do tease sometimes,” Poe said, mouth dry. “I tease a lot of the time. Often. It’s fun. Silly. Teasing is easier than doing.” The towel twisted itself into a knot in his hands. “I’m not sure I’m teasing right now.”  

Finn straightened a little. “What does that mean, exactly?” he asked cautiously.

“Great question.” Poe lifted his eyes to meet Finn’s. “Um.” He pulled the towel out straight, then scrunched it into a ball again. “That means I—I—I think I want to start something with you?” He rubbed the back of his neck.    

Finn braced his hands against the counter, flexing his muscles again. “Here I am. Start something.”  

“D-do you want to?”  

Finn nodded. “Yeah. I want to.”


	14. Dinner at Finn's Pt 5 - post breakfast sexy-times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like the chapter title says - post breakfast sexy times :D

Finn kept his hands on the counter —he wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice in one day. “You okay taking the lead, here?”  

“Um. So. Um. I was thinking. I used to like being—manhandled, and shit. Or at least I didn’t mind, it didn’t scare me, whatever. So—so I was thinking—it would help me if you asked, first. Or warned me. Just—so I get a bit of a heads-up. And I can say no if—if I need to. Or say hell yeah. Whichever’s applicable.”  

“First of all, can I just say—you’re so brave, baby. So brave, I almost can’t stand it. Secondly—is that what you want me to do? Take the lead, but tell you first? Or do you want to tell me what to do?”  

“You telling me I’m brave for wanting to suck your dick? Is there something I should know about?” Poe smirked at Finn, then sobered. “Um. I guess what I mean is—is, um. Is yes, I would feel safer if I were, uh, in—in control, if that’s ok. But I don’t need you to just, like. Just—obey.” Poe had a sinking suspicion that Finn had spent a good portion of his life obeying to keep himself safe. He didn’t intend to be a part of that. “If something's not working for you, or you have a better idea, or anything. Just—like. Speak up. Change the plan. I just—it would help me if you could give me a heads-up before just, like, flipping us over, or something.”   

Finn reached out, hovering a hand over Poe’s hip. “So, just… be explicit. Before, after, and in between. I think that’s doable.” He tried a smile. “Can we go back to the part about where you want to suck my dick? Because I am  _ very amenable _ to that plan. And vice versa.”  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed at him. “Well. Maybe—we can relocate? To the bed, or couch, or something.” He scuffed a toe along the floor. “This isn’t going to be that comfortable. And it’s not very good for making out on.”  

“Relocating sounds good. Do you have a preference?” Finn held out his hand.  

Poe took it and kissed Finn’s knuckles. “How about the bed.” He led them down the hallway, back straight. “Also,” he said over his shoulder. “Thank you. Thank you so much. Why didn’t I say that before? Thank you thank you thank you. For—for—for saying it’s ok. For letting me lead. For not—I mean. It’s fucked up, I know that, so—so—so thank you for not giving me a hard time about it.”     

Finn paused in the hallway, careful not to tug on Poe’s hand, mouth open. He wanted to say something that conveyed the swirl of emotions inside him, but he couldn’t figure out what. “It’s not fucked up. It’s—don’t you feel it? When it’s— _ good _ between us? It’s  _ romance novel _ good. Talking about it doesn’t make it less so. Figuring out how to make it work doesn’t make it less so.”  

Poe stared at Finn. It was hard to read his face in the darkness of the hallway, backlit by the kitchen’s incandescent glow. “You’re—” Poe opened his mouth, then closed it. “You’re—you’re serious?”   

Finn swept his hand over his hair, suddenly nervous. “I mean. Maybe it’s not that good for you. That’s fine. I mean, I’d like to know what I could do better so it could be better for you, but that’s—that’s okay.” He finally ran out of words and shut his mouth, rolling his eyes at himself internally.  

“What?” Poe blinked, then blinked again. He took Finn’s other hand, stepped closer, pinned him to the wall, and kissed the hell out of him as best he could. “You crazy?” he gasped at last, hips pressed up tight against Finn’s. “Not good enough? You fucking  _ crazy?  _ I haven’t—I haven’t—I haven’t asked someone for sex in  _ seven fucking years,  _ that’s how fucking good you are, you fucking angel, you—” He ran a hand down Finn’s jaw. “I  _ trust  _ you,” he said, voice cracking. “I know you’ll be good to me, because you’ve been nothing  _ but.  _ I have no clue what you could do better, other than give me a lobotomy to get this shit out of my brain. You  _ are  _ good, Finn. You’re so fucking good.”  

“What—" Finn shook his head a little. “What was that about a lobotomy? ‘Cause I think you just gave me one, orally.”  

“Is that…a good thing? Because that’s really not what I was hoping to do to you orally today.”   

“Why are we not in bed? Remind me to stop talking next time.” Finn kissed Poe back for all he was worth. “Yes. Good thing.”  

“No, I’m glad you said something. I didn’t realize you thought—fucking hell.” Poe gave Finn one last toe-curling kiss (at least, he hoped Finn’s toes were curling, because his own sure as hell were) and led him on into the bedroom. “If you ever start thinking that again, you come tell me, ok? and I’ll set you straight. Well.” He plopped backwards onto the bed and grinned up at Finn. “Not  _ too  _ straight.”  

Finn fell into bed beside Poe, letting his arms fall above him. His shirt rode up a little above his sweats, and he felt like he could burst with happiness. “Set me queer, then.”  

“Exactly.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek to his and kissed him again, sucking Finn’s bottom lip into his mouth and nibbling on it. He ran a hand down Finn’s chest to his abs, then slipped a hand beneath his shirt.  

Finn’s stomach muscles contracted involuntarily, and a shiver went through his body as he moaned softly into Poe’s kiss.  

“Shirt,” Poe murmured. “Can I take your shirt off? Here, come up onto the bed.” He scooted up to the pillows and tugged Finn with him.  

“Yes, please, take my shirt off,” Finn begged, then added, “If you treat me nice I’ll flex for you again.”  

Poe snorted. “Oh, I see. You want to show off? “ He snagged Finn’s shirt and pulled it off. “By the time you’ve got the culinary empire and I'm your arm candy, I’ll be doddering and old and not nearly as decorative as you—are—now.” He punctuated each word with a kiss, slowly making his way up Finn’s torso.  

“Your mouth is good. The best. Don’t care what the rest of you looks like in 40 years.”  Finn tipped his hips back, grinding his ass into the bed a little, unable to stay still with the whisper soft kisses Poe was pressing to his skin. He was definitely going to go crazy, but man, it was going to be a great ride there.  

“Good, huh?” Poe sucked Finn’s nipple until it was hard, then grazed his teeth up it. “Good to know.” He propped his chin on Finn’s chest and grinned up at his boyfriend. “Where should I put this good mouth?”  

“Other nipple!” came Finn’s strangled cry.  

“Hmm.” Poe considered this. Finn’s other nipple was indeed looking fairly neglected—not to mention gorgeous, with a dusky circlet that needed to be kissed. So Poe kissed it, and sucked it to match the other one, and then finally lifted up for air, more than a little giddy. “That do you?”  

Finn’s nipples strained on his chest, tight and beaded. “Since I want you to move on to, um, bigger business, I’ll go with yes.” He dropped his hand down to casually stroke over one of the moistened nipples, though, smiling. “God, nipples. Mark that down as an erogenous zone for me, ‘kay?” He pinched himself, loving the little pleasure that shot through his chest.  

“Hmm.” Poe squinted up at Finn. “I can move on down,” he said slowly. “But I think you deserve more foreplay.”  

Finn swept his hand across Poe’s curls. “Can I just tell you how much I appreciate you forcing me to slow things down? I like it a lot better this way.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at him. “Well. What else do you like?”  

“My neck,” Finn answered shyly, then coughed. “Last night, when you—on my neck-—yeah.”  

“Huh. Well. I can do that.” Poe scootched up a few inches—readjusted his knee to a better angle—ran a hand over Finn’s hair, and kissed just beneath his jawline. He worked his way down Finn’s neck inch by inch, tracing the veins. The scent of Finn’s skin was intoxicating—spicy, sweaty, rich,  _ perfect.  _

Finn shivered. “Yes, mhmm, keep going.”  

Poe sucked a small mark into the base of Finn’s neck, then continued on to the divot beneath his throat and pressed a quick series of kisses to the soft skin there.  

Finn’s hand clenched into the sheets in an effort to keep from touching himself, from touching Poe. Finally, he gave up, sliding his hand over his stomach, close enough to provide some relief but not close enough to be stealing Poe’s thunder.  

Poe shifted on top of Finn, trapping Finn’s hand between their bodies. “Peripheral vision, man,” he mumbled into Finn’s neck between kisses. “That’s my department. What do you think you’re doing?”  

“Just—just helping. Feels good.”  

“Well.” Poe braced himself up on his elbows. “Do you want me to—what do you want me to do?”   

“I don’t—" Frustration tinged Finn’s voice and he stopped, taking a breath. “I like what you’re doing. I’m just not—not good at the whole foreplay thing.” He tried a little smile. “I like it, though. Just. Um. I don’t know what to suggest.”  

“Hmm.” Poe smoothed a hand across Finn’s chest, over his shoulder, and down his arm, thinking for a long moment. “Well,” he said at last. “What if you—turn over.”   

“I—huh?” Finn’s brow furrowed. “I thought you wanted to blow me, not fuck me. I mean—just, that was the plan.”  

“Yeah! Yeah, I.” Poe flushed down to his chest. “I mean. That is my plan, if you’re still down for it. I just thought—I’ve been kissing your chest, and all. I’d like to do the same to your back. If you want. Andmaybeyourasstoo.”  

“Oh!  _ Oh. _ ” Finn flipped over eagerly, pillowing his head on his arms. “Kiss away.”  

Poe ran a hand down the back of Finn’s head, tracing down to where the soft curls faded down to warm skin. He pressed a kiss there, then another just beneath it, tracing down the length of Finn’s spine. By the time he pulled back up to kiss across the tight muscle of Finn’s shoulder, he was achingly hard and throbbing. He angled his hips up, trying not to poke Finn with his dick. “God,” he murmured. “God, you’re so fucking gorgeous.” He settled a hand on the small of Finn’s back and sucked in a mark on the other shoulder, just above Finn’s scar.  

Finn tried his best not to purr, but he did arch into Poe’s touch, just there at the dip before his ass, and let out a little “Mmph.” It may have sounded like a purr, anyway.  

Poe grinned at Finn, forgetting Finn couldn’t see his face. “Yeah?” He stroked Finn’s ass, then slipped his fingers beneath the waistband. “Can I,” he said, suddenly hoarse.  

Finn arched again, feeling Poe’s fingers slip that much farther under his sweats. “Yes,” he replied, voice hoarse.   

Poe tried to push Finn’s sweats off, remembered that drawstrings are a thing, and fumbled beneath Finn to find the strings and pull the knot open. After tossing Finn’s sweats on the floor, he stared down at Finn’s ass, momentarily speechless. “I don’t even know where to start,” he said at last, dazed. “Jesus. Whoever thought that statue of David was the most beautiful man in the world never had the view I’ve got right now.”  

Though he was hazy with desire, Finn couldn’t help but flex his asscheeks, too, turning his head around to Poe to toss a wink his way. “You’re going to give me a big head.”  

“Don’t make me turn that into a dirty joke,” Poe warned, settling into place over Finn’s ass. “That’s just too easy.”  

Finn rolled his hips. “You’re right. My bad. Don’t know why I’m not thinking straight.”  

“Uh-uh, we went over that already.” Poe kissed the pair of dips in the small of Finn’s back, slid his hands down Finn’s hips, kissed his way up the rise of Finn’s ass, and sucked in a mark. “You’re thinking perfectly queer, or maybe just dirty. Either way, it’s wonderful, never change.”  

“God, how is your smart mouth making me even more turned on?”  

“It’s a gift.” Finn’s ass just fit  _ perfectly  _ in Poe’s hands. His skin gleamed beneath the bedroom lights, hard muscle all the way down to his thighs, dear lord above, those thighs. Poe kissed his way down Finn’s thighs, dizzy with arousal, cock throbbing between his legs.

“Fuck, okay, officially calling it. Your mouth, whether being smart or funny or doing what it’s fucking doing right now—your mouth is fucking sexy.” Finn was trying not to grind into the sheets but—“Ah, shit, yellow, yellow, yellow, I’m going to come if you keep doing that.”  

“Sorry!” Poe jerked backwards and kneeled up on the bed. “Sorry. Yellow as in you want to stop? What do you want to do?”  

“No, so good, baby, I just thought the plan was something else, is all.” Finn half rolled over, keeping everything below the waist firmly on the bed. “I didn’t want to...uh, take this with a grain of salt, this is coming from the historical romance novels…I didn’t want to disgrace myself.” He snorted a little.  

Poe laughed. “Well, me too, as long as we're being honest here.” He took Finn’s hand and twined their fingers together. “Do you want me to—” He kept his eyes on Finn’s, not on his cock.  

“If you want to. If it’s too much for today, that’s okay, too. Obviously we know that if you continue on with what you were doing, I’m going to get off,” Finn said with a sly grin and a wink.   

“I want to,” Poe rasped. He carefully scooted back over Finn’s legs and braced himself up on his elbows. “But don't choke me.” He glared up at Finn.  

“Wait, is that an innuendo about my size or a reference to your trigger?”  

“Tr—” Poe flushed hot with shame. “Tri—”  

“It’s okay, it’s okay, baby, seriously. I won’t choke you, I promise. No touching, nothing you don’t want, ever. I promise.” Finn patted the bed beside his body. “Want to just come up here and lay for a bit?”  

“N-no. No, it's ok,” Poe managed. Finn’s eyes held nothing but honesty. “I trust you,” Poe said quietly. “I'm ok.” He held tight to Finn's hand and kissed his thigh, gathering himself back together.  

Finn let Poe take the quiet moment, however many he needed. If this had been eight months ago, he’d have been walking through some club, ass squelching with another man’s come inside him by this stage of the sex.  And, he admitted to himself easily, he’d have nowhere near the same amount of good feelings he’d shared with Poe without ever coming. That was love, he figured. That’s what made the difference.  

Finn’s hand anchored Poe to the bed, to the world, to Finn. He was ok. He’d stay ok. He trusted Finn. He kissed Finn’s thigh again, a little higher up, then even higher, slowly working his way up. Finn’s legs trembled minutely beneath him, or maybe that was his own residual tremors, slowly working their way out of his skin. This was good. They were safe. They were ok.  

Inch by inch, he kissed his way towards the inside of Finn’s thighs. 

Finn scooted, spreading his legs wider at Poe's touch. “Do you want—want me to roll over?”  

“Yeah,” Poe said breathlessly.  

Finn squeezed his hand once before releasing it to slide over onto his back, fully naked, cock bobbing between them, flush and leaking. “Is this okay?”  

“Very,” Poe croaked. He settled back over Finn’s legs, braced himself up on his elbows, and nuzzled through the tight curls at the base of Finn’s dick, placing kisses along the tender skin. He ran a finger up Finn’s perineum—then reached up blindly for Finn’s hand again, needing an anchor.  

Finn caught his fingers and twined them through his. “You're doing so good, baby. Feels so good.”  

“Yeah?” Poe kissed Finn’s knuckles, propped himself up on their joined hands, and wrapped a hand around the base of Finn’s dick. The skin was soft and silken beneath his fingers. He was fairly certain his own dick didn’t feel this wonderful, or maybe he just didn’t pay enough attention. Either way, he wanted to stay here forever. 

On the other hand, he also wanted to suck Finn’s dick.  _ Priorities.  _

Poe lowered his mouth over the of Finn’s cock head, lapped at the precum, and settled down to suck Finn off, hand moving in easy tandem with his mouth.  

Poe's mouth sliding over him was as close to heaven on earth as Finn had ever come. “Oh shit, Poe, that's so—shit. Yes. Yes.” He clutched at Poe's hand and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to concentrate on the amazing feeling.  

Poe lifted off just long enough to lick up from Finn’s balls to his slit. “Yeah?” He mouthed back over Finn’s cock, grinning too hard to suck him properly.  _ Come on, Dameron, you got this.  _ Poe swallowed Finn’s cock down and sucked gently, slowly, trying to draw the moment out as long as possible.  

Finn groaned, long and low, trying not to tip his hips up and take more than what was offered. To distract himself, he ran his free hand through his hair, pulling a little, then ran it down his chest, tugging at his nipple absently while Poe continued to drive him slowly mad. This was. This was a revelation, and Finn wasn't exactly sure how he was going to get through any more days knowing precisely how good Poe was at this.  

Finn was definitely trembling beneath Poe now, and making little desperate grunts and moans that he didn’t really seem to be aware of. Poe rubbed the back of Finn’s hand, trying to keep them both grounded. Overwhelmed with the heat of Finn’s dick in his mouth, the bitter salt of Finn’s precum on his tongue, and the tense lines of Finn’s thighs beneath his chest, Poe gave up all pretense of going slowly. He sucked Finn down for all he was worth, jacking him fast and hard with his hand and reveling in each little noise Finn made.  

“Oh fu—baby, I'm going to come—I'm gonna—do you want—fuck—"  

Poe pulled off abruptly, but kept jacking Finn with his hand. He didn’t know what would happen if he got a surprise mouthful of come, but he was pretty sure it would feel close enough to choking to trigger him. “Come for me, baby,” he whispered, heart pounding in his ears. “Come for me.”  

Every muscle in Finn’s body stiffened, his torso bowing as he curled around his cock, around Poe’s pumping hand. “Oh  _ fuck,”  _ he breathed out on a moan. Pleasure spread through him, overtook him, as he came all over Poe's still-jacking hand. He let himself thrust, thrust now, into Poe’s hand, until the white hot satisfaction of the orgasm gave way to the pleasure-pain of oversensitivity. He fell back on the bed, shuddering and moaning Poe’s name.  

Poe stared down at Finn’s limp, blissed-out body, dazed with power. His cock throbbed distantly, aching for attention. He stroked Finn’s hip a few times, watching the rapid rise and fall of Finn’s chest. “There you go, baby,” he murmured. “Just like that. You’re so fucking good, so beautiful, so good for me.”  

“Oh my god, Poe—" But Finn couldn't get any other words out, and just ended up repeating himself for a bit.  

“Yeah? I agree.” Poe slid off the bed, came around to Finn’s side, and kissed his forehead. “You’re good, sweetheart. You’re so good. So fucking beautiful when you come, beautiful always, oh god.” He kissed Finn again, reluctant to leave—then finally slipped off to the bathroom, rinsed off his hand, and brought back a cloth to clean the remainder off of Finn.  

Finn held his hand out for Poe’s. “You are—I am blessed. I am pretty sure I have the best boyfriend in the world.” He rolled onto his side, facing Poe and propping his head on his hand. He bit his lip in a grin. “Do you—do you want me to—do anything?” He nodded down at Poe's bulge.  

“Yeah, you probably do have the best boyfriend.” Poe tossed the cloth back inside the bathroom door to deal with later and grinned down at Finn. “Wasn’t sure I remembered how to do that, to be honest. Glad it worked ok.”  

“Well, anytime you want to reassure yourself you've still got it, my dick is on call, just for you.”  

“Heh.” Poe slid in beside Finn and cuddled in close. “Careful, I might take you up on that.”  

Finn found Poe’s hand in between them and squeezed. “Seriously, though, you are the best, and I'd love to reciprocate, if you want. Or if you don't, that's okay too.” He brushed a kiss over Poe's lips.  

Poe watched Finn’s face carefully. “I do,” he said at last. “I do want that.” His cock throbbed again; he shifted in place, trying to adjust it in his sweats. “I’m trying to—think of a way to make it work better. I, um.” His shoulders drew up around his ears. “I’m not sure just lying here while you work on me will feel, um. Feel. Feel—feel safe.”  

“Okay,” Finn murmured, though he didn't really understand. It didn't—it didn't matter if he understood or not, not really. “Is sitting up better? I could kneel, no bum knee here.” He laid a hand softly on Poe's still-clad chest. “I just want you to be as happy as you made me.”  

Poe thought this over. “Huh.” He laid his hand over Finn’s and tangled their fingers together. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea. You don’t even have to kneel. You could lie on the bed, and I could sit against the headboard.”  _ Can’t be strapped to a table sitting up, after all. And then I’ll be above Finn, I can push him away more easily if I panic.  _ “I think that might work.” He curled in tighter against Finn’s chest and kissed him, taking comfort in Finn’s warmth and strength.  

Finn let the kiss be soft and tender. When they broke for air, he nodded. “Let's try it.” He gave Poe a last squeeze then backed off to let him move. “Do you want help with your clothes, or do you want to do it yourself?”  

“You can help, if you want,” Poe said softly. “Just—no sudden movements, ok?”   

“Okay. Just remember how much I love you, baby.” Finn sat up, trying to infuse every move with tenderness. His fingers were light on the hem of Poe's shirt.  _ His _ shirt, he thought with a flash. And damn, didn't it feel good to see Poe in his clothes. “You want to sit up now?”  

“Yeah.” Poe scooted backwards, sat up against the headboard, and grabbed a pillow to lean against. He raised his arms to let Finn take his shirt off—gently, Finn was always gentle, this was ok, he was safe, he would stay safe. “I’m sorry in advance,” he said. “If I panic. And whack your face with my dick, or something.”  _ Or worse. Please, God, don’t let it be any worse than that. _

It was on the tip of his tongue to say something like  _ I've been whacked in the face with worse, _ but Finn didn't want to ruin this. He wanted to make this good for Poe. He wanted to help Poe start to overcome this. He smiled instead, and leaned in slowly to kiss the dip between Poe’s pecs. Butterfly soft, and still he could feel Poe’s thundering heart under his lips. 

He kissed all over, trying to replicate what Poe had done for him, except staying away from Poe’s neck. He didn't want Poe's jerkbrain to misinterpret any moves he made there. Languidly, he looked up from where he'd kissed over Poe's stomach. “What do you want me to do?”  

“God,” Poe exhaled. “You are the sweetest person I have ever met. Also the best kisser. Did I mention that part? Kissing. You’re good at it. I think you fried my brain. Um. What?”   

Finn laughed, pressing another kiss to Poe's stomach. “Ready for pants to come off?”  

“Please.” Poe lifted his hips to help Finn slide the sweats off.  

Quietly, Finn continued to place kisses over Poe's hip bones, and down, over the newly exposed area. The precum leaking from Poe's cock made his mouth water, but he deliberately avoided it, choosing instead to worship Poe with his mouth. Pausing, his lips a hair’s breadth away from Poe's cock, Finn looked up at Poe's face to gain permission. “Okay?”  

“Yeah,” Poe murmured, breathless. “Very ok.” 

Finn smirked, then closed the minute distance, closing his eyes in ecstasy as he tasted Poe's cock for the first time. Salty, and musky, and perfect. Finn kissed all the way up to the tip, where he slowly enveloped the head in his mouth, swirling there, moaning a little as he tasted the precum. He opened his eyes again and looked up, meeting Poe's.  

“Fuck. Oh god.” Poe stared down at Finn, mouth parted. He rested his hands lightly on Finn’s head, hardly believing his luck. “How did I ever find you, baby?”  

Finn smiled around Poe's cock, winking up at him. Slowly, his hand crept up over Poe's thigh, massaging as he went, until he'd wrapped his fist around the base of Poe’s cock, applying light pressure there.  

_ Slowly, _ that was the key here,  _ slowly.  _ Everything Finn did, he did slowly enough that Poe could see him coming, anticipate it, brace himself, relax again. He stroked his thumb over Finn’s soft curls as his arousal started coiling tighter. Finn’s mouth just felt so fucking  _ good,  _ Poe thought, or maybe said it out loud, he wasn’t quite sure.  

Finn hummed around Poe's cock as he lowered himself further, feeling Poe hit the back of his throat. Relaxing, and taking it as carefully as always, Finn eased the head down into his throat, swallowing around Poe, humming again and closing his eyes. God, he could come from this feeling. Probably would if he hadn't just. 

Speed scared Poe, so Finn gave him pressure and suction instead. When his lips had met his fist, he paused, taking a breath, and slowly began to ease off again.   

_ I used to be able to deep-throat too,  _ Poe thought.  _ No, ok, that’s not helpful, don’t think like that.  _ “Finn,” he said instead. “Finn, oh god, you’re a miracle, you’re—Finn, fuck, how are you—” Poe tipped his head back against the headboard and closed his eyes, chest heaving.  

Finn kept the tortuous pace. Slow, slow, slow, he had to keep reminding himself. In a way, it was easier, easier to breathe, for sure. And the sounds Poe was making were going to a special place in his head, to be listened to over and over again when the dark voice was trying to take him away.  

Finn’s mouth and hand made a circuit around Poe’s cock and brain alike, hot and wet and tight and everything Poe had ever dreamed of and “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I’m—” Poe patted Finn’s head with an incoherent groan.  

Finn popped off. “Go ahead,” he whispered, voice hoarse, before taking Poe’s cock in his mouth again and swirling around the head.  

Finn’s tongue was fucking  _ magical,  _ his lips, his mouth, he—he—Poe’s hips jerked up as he came, hands searching for Finn’s head, shoulders, something, anything to anchor him.  

Finn closed his eyes as Poe filled his mouth. He swallowed, though some escaped, and groaned when Poe's hands sank into his shoulders.  

Poe wiped the edge of Finn’s mouth with his thumb, then bent to kiss the top of his head. “Hnnngh,” he said. “Sweetheart. Oh, sweetheart.”  

Smiling, laughing because he was so incandescently pleased, Finn crawled up Poe's body and wrapped him in his arms. Unable to resist, he peppered Poe's face with little kisses before resting his cheek against Poe’s.  

Poe slid them both back down to lie on the bed, dazed. He clung to Finn and buried his face in Finn’s chest, trying to catch his breath.  

Finn rested his chin in Poe's curls. This was, he decided, the best way to spend the morning.  

_ I’m ok,  _ Poe said to himself.  _ I’m ok. I’m ok.  _

When they'd sat in companionable silence for awhile, Finn rubbing over Poe's back, Finn asked, “How'd that work for you?”  

“Can—can you—t-talk to me? Just—talk.”   

“Sure, honey,” Finn answered, trying not to let his voice show his worry. “Um.” He searched his mind for something safe. “Rey knows how to work on engines too, did you know? She's not working right now, because… because. But that was her job on base. Well, fancier, I guess, Mechanical Engineer, or something. She's got a degree. She told me she prefers getting her hands dirty, though. She's got a bike. Motorcycle. That she keeps in tune. Just don't tell her I'm too much of a wimp to ride it. I should have her bring it by the shop sometime, to show you. How are you doing? Is this okay?”  

“It’s helping.” Poe snuggled in closer with a sigh. “Helping a lot. Thank you.” He hesitated, trying to figure out how to explain. “When you weren’t—talking, I got really anxious, I guess. I didn’t—I didn’t really notice until after. When you talk, I know that—that I’m here. Helps me feel—human.”  

“Very human. A fine example of the male species, if I do say so myself. And I do. You're our pack leader, Poe. Snap, Jess, me... We'd survive without you, sure, but none of us would want that. I worried, when I came. Wondered if I'd ever fit in. Still worry ‘bout that. But you make it better.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled against Finn’s chest and kissed his skin. “Hmm.” A little tendril of warmth bloomed deep in his gut at Finn’s words. “Well. I’m glad. And glad I’m human, too.”  _ The worst thing someone can ever do to you—worse than hurting you, and that’s horrible enough—is to treat you like you’re not human until you start wondering—but you must know something about that yourself.  _ Poe kissed the warm rise of Finn’s chest again and ran a hand down his arm. “Thank you,” he murmured. “Thank you, sweetheart. That helps.”  

Finn snuggled in further. “I like it when you call me sweetheart.”  

Poe stroked the back of Finn’s head. “Good,” he said. “Because it’s true. You are a sweetheart. You have a sweet heart. You are  _ my _ sweetheart.”  

Warmth bloomed inside Finn, but he was surprised by the start of tears in his eyes. “Oh,” he offered dumbly, before trying to dash the tears away discretely.  

Poe looked up, surprised by the sudden waver in Finn’s voice. “Hey,” he said softly, and brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheeks. “It’s ok. You’re ok.”  

“Sorry, stupid.” Finn sniffed and laughed, trying to cover up his tears, but to his embarrassment, even more started to fall. “God, I don't know what this is,” he mumbled without conviction. They probably both knew what it was.  

“Nope.” Poe put a finger to Finn’s lips. “No apologizing for freaking out. Not right after you calmed me down, what, you think I’m going to laugh at  _ you  _ for it?”  

“Emotions are weird,” Finn sniffed, still rubbing at his eyes.  

“Hell yeah, they are. Didn’t ask for any of ‘em.”  

Finn gave him a watery laugh. “Didn't ask, wouldn't necessarily give them back, though.” He brushed a kiss over Poe's hair, then caught the time out of the corner of his eye. It was almost noon, the red numbers informed him. “Oh shit, Poe, didn't you have to go home after breakfast?”  

“Enh,” Poe shrugged. “I assumed I’d be done and ready to go back to some peace and quiet around then. This turned out to be a better option.” He stretched in place, checking his knee. “I should probably go home around now, though. I guess. Seems a shame to leave this comfy bed, though. Or maybe it’s your comfy arms I’d miss.”  

“Well, neither of those things are going away anytime soon, so if you do need to go, I'd understand.” Finn hugged Poe a little tighter all the same. “I'm glad you didn't go home earlier either. That was every bit as wonderful an experience as I'd imagined all these months.”  

“I’m glad.” Poe shifted up in Finn’s arms and kissed him, one hand wrapped around the back of his neck.  

The kiss was easy, and sweet. Poe could be so tender with him. Finn rested cheek to cheek with Poe after. “You doing better now?”  

“Yes.” Poe closed his eyes and breathed in Finn’s familiar scent. “Thank you for bringing me back down.”  

“Me, too. I'll try not to cry the next time you call me sweetheart. Wouldn't want to miss out on that.”  

“Yeah, well—if you need to cry, then you cry. I don’t mind.”  

Finn turned his head enough to rub their noses together. “Thanks.”  

Poe kissed Finn’s nose, then groaned and untangled his legs from the sheets—when had they gotten tangled? “I should go,” he mumbled. “Come on. Let’s go. Up! Go! Home! Yup! Mmm-hmm.”  

Finn giggled as Poe failed to move. “Here, I'll force myself up, too. I really should get some research done today. So I can start my empire and be worthy of your arm.” He scootched carefully away from Poe and toward  the edge of the bed.  

“You will always,” Poe yawned, “be worthy of my arm. Arms. Both of them. Fuck, do I really have to get up now? I feel like noodles. I think you sucked all of my actual bones right out through my cock. No, wait, that sounds really awful, doesn’t it? Hmm. Ok, never mind.” He reached out to Finn. “All right. We got this. Empire, here we come.”  

Finn helped pull Poe up, then immediately into his arms for a kiss. “Mmm. We got up. Yay us.”  

“Yippee,” Poe grumbled. He kissed Finn back with everything he had until they both stumbled back against the wall, dazed.  

Finn snorted. “We are, uh, not so great at this getting up thing.” He tried to focus his vision on the ground. “Did you have pants? You didn't show up to my house naked last night, right? I feel like I'd remember that.”  

“Probably would have shocked the neighbors, too.” Poe rubbed the back of his neck and looked around. “Well, those are your pajamas—thanks, by the way.” He gathered them off the edge of the bed and handed them to Finn. “And there! Those are my clothes.” He picked up the rumpled pile and laughed. “Walk of shame, god. Fantastic. I haven’t done this in—nope, never mind, I’ll just feel old.”   

“The key is to pretend that you aren't as gross to everyone else as you feel to yourself. Hold your head high. And if Mrs. Patterson, the little old lady on the corner, gives you the stink eye... There's no shame in gunning it out of the neighborhood.”  

“Oh, shit,” Poe laughed. “Mrs. Patterson? I forgot she moved here. She coached my little league team, can you believe it? Perks of living in a small town, I guess. Or something like that.” He yanked his clothes on and tried to straighten them out as best he could.  

“I've tried to win her over with baked goods but I swear to god, nothing works with that woman.”  

“She roots for the Cubs,” Poe whispered. “Grew up there. Key to her heart.” He looked around and frowned. “Ok, shoes. If you were my shoes, where would you be?”  

“Uhhhhh. Fuck. Living room? Before we sat down on the couch and, um.” Finn dug through his drawer for clean boxers, shimmying into them, and a set of jeans. He still had another 12 hours or so before he could get his stitches wet. He slipped into a tank top, hoping he wouldn't have to go out today. God, he hated not showering properly. Reminded him a little too much of couch surfing with his dad, trying not to be a bother. 

“Living room! Yes.” Poe flushed, remembering exactly what they’d been doing when he’d slipped the shoes off. “Right. Um.” He stepped out to the living room to put them on (and possibly regret the fact that Finn had put his clothes back on again).  

Seeing Poe sitting on his couch, putting his shoes on, made Finn feel all kinds of weird, homey feelings, and he had to pause in the hall, resting his shoulder against the wall, and process. Shaking himself, he lifted up his bandaged hand. “Care to play doctor one last time? I get to leave the bandage off tomorrow, but I’ve still got to get through today.”  

“Of course.” Poe touched Finn’s shoulder on his way back to the bathroom to fetch the bandages, needing to just—stay in contact with him a little bit longer. “Come into my office.” He sat on the couch and laid out the bandages.  

Finn sat next to Poe, relishing the touch of their thighs. “You’re way gentler than the ER nurse was, by the way. So thanks for that.” He smiled as he laid his hand in Poe’s lap.  

“My pleasure.” Poe grinned at Finn and carefully peeled the old bandage off. “You’ll have a nice, sexy scar from this, you know. Impress all the pretty ladies and gentlemen.”  

“I’m really racking ‘em up, aren’t I? Soon I’ll be more scar than normal.” Finn took a breath in quickly. “Not—not that I’m implying I’m out to get more scars. I’m not, I promise, Poe, I’m not.”  

“I trust you,” Poe said softly, smoothing the new bandage on over the neat line of stitches. “I’m sorry I didn’t, earlier.”  

“I—thank you. It helps that I—that I have a plan, now. For the future. It’s easier to see the point, maybe. The point of making it to tomorrow.”  

Poe folded his hand over Finn’s newly bandaged hand and nodded at him, throat tight. “I’m glad,” he said. “I’m so fucking glad. And I’m still here, whenever you want to talk. Or plan the restaurant, that sounds fun too.”  

Finn hugged Poe spontaneously, releasing him quickly enough, he hoped, not to trigger anything. “Thank you.”  

“You’re welcome, my man.” Poe smiled at Finn, momentarily lost in the warm light of his eyes. “Sweetheart.” 

Finn knew a dopey smile spread across his face at the epithet. “Say that 8 million more times, please.”  

“Sweetheart,” Poe said, and kissed Finn’s nose. “Sweetheart,” he said, and kissed Finn’s cheeks. “Sweetheart,” he said, tipped Finn down to the couch, and kissed him until he ran out of air. “Sweetheart,” he said again, breathless. “I’m going home now. Go do your plan. Build your empire. This was a fucking wonderful date. Thank you. I never even dreamed—thank you. You're wonderful. Thank you. I’ll see you. Don’t get into any trouble.” Poe staggered up from the couch—bent to kiss Finn again—and made his way to the front door.  

Finn took a second to get his brain in proper working order after the barrage of ‘sweethearts,’ then hurried after Poe to open the door for him and watch him leave. “Text me when you get home? Just so I know—I mean. If you don’t want to, that’s okay, too,” he called to Poe’s retreating figure.  

Poe turned back. “I will, I—” He ran back up the steps, cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand, and kissed him one last time. “I might even include an emoji, how about that.” He grinned, bopped Finn on the nose, and hopped down the stairs to his car.  

“Careful of your knee,” Finn muttered, shaking his head with a laugh as Poe got in his car. God, he loved that man. He gave a final wave, and waved to Mrs. Patterson, too, before turning to go back inside.  


	15. Finn's Panic Attack - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title suggest, Finn has a panic attack after confronting the reality of going back to college, and he turns to Poe to calm him down.
> 
> Content warning: anxiety, panic attack, past child abuse (abusive language)
> 
> In other words: angst angst angst FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF.

Finn’s hand clenched as he looked at the paperwork before him. It was so _easy_ , it should be so _easy_. The advisor he'd met with at the college had been nice, and welcoming, and had laid everything out for him. She’d even gone with him to the financial aid office to discuss how the GI Bill worked.

So why was he sitting here, unable to do anything? He knew Poe was expecting a call, or at the very least, a text, with news of how the visit had gone. Instead, he was sitting at his kitchen table, staring at his paperwork, hands shaking.

**_You can't do this, you stupid piece of shit._ **

Finn glanced at the note Poe had written him, still hanging crookedly on his fridge.

**_He's lying to you. He don't know you like I do. Papa knows best. You think you can work in some fancy restaurant? You want to cook, go work at McDonald's. Or figure out something useful to do with your life._ **

**_Look at your hand. You can't even properly chop an onion without hurting yourself, dipshit._ **

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Finn yelled, pressing his hands to his head. He knew he should call. But everything just seemed too difficult right now.  

—————————————

From: pdameron1@gmail.com

To: muhammad.arvit@gmail.com

Hey Dr. Muhammad,

Do you have any openings this week? I’m ok, no emergency, but I’d like to meet a bit sooner than we planned, if you can. I just wanted to talk about how to manage my anger better.

Thanks,

Poe

—————————————

Finn registered that he was hungry, and that it had gotten dark. He didn't really want to do anything about the first, but the second sent a shiver down his spine. _Dark is bad, night is bad, this is bad, Finn. You need to fight this._

Pushing away from the table, away from the paperwork that outlined his future, he paced until his apartment seemed so small he thought he might just burst. He busted out into the night air, walking, trying to appear normal when everything inside him was quaking, falling, being beaten back by his wrecking ball of a father.

When his run slowed, he realized, somewhat embarrassingly, that his feet had taken him all the way to Poe's. He glanced down at his sandals and winced. **_Stupid. Stupid. You're such a baby, you can't even take care of yourself properly. Poe's going to be so disappointed in you._ **

He looked up the steps to Poe's house. There were barely any lights on. Poe might not even be home. He collapsed on the stairs, head in his hands.  

—————————————

There was a weird noise outside Poe’s house.

_There’s no weird noise, you’re ok, everything is fine._

Poe tapped his thumb on the kitchen table, fingers tightening on the half-opened envelope.

_I heard a noise. I swear to god I heard a noise. It wouldn’t hurt to just go check on it._

_Then you end up sleeping by the door with a baseball bat and ruining all of your progress._

_But I heard a—_

_PROGRESS. You’ve been making PROGRESS. Do you want to give all of that up?_

Poe growled, pulled out his phone, started the quiet playlist he kept for times like this, hunched over the table, and tried to focus on paying his bills.  

 **Finn:** I'm sorry. This is going to sound weird. I'm sorry. I'm outside your house.  

Poe jumped halfway out of his seat when his phone chimed with a text. He stared at it, trying to make sense of the words.

 **Poe:** You’re what? What the fuck are you doing?

 **Poe:** Wait shit never mind are you ok? Where are you?   

Finn looked at Poe's words, feeling like he was going to throw up. He was going to ruin everything.

 **Finn:** I'm on the stairs. I'm sorry.

He hesitated, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. If his body had brought him here, maybe it knew him better than his mind did.

 **Finn:**  I'm not okay.  

Poe shoved his phone into his pocket, crept up to the door, and peered through the curtain. A blurry dark shape was backlit by the streetlight, huddled on his front step. “Buddy?” He opened the door an inch, checked that it was really Finn, and flung the door open wide. “Buddy! What’s going on? What happened? Shit, never mind, forget that.” He crouched next to Finn. “You’re ok. You’re ok, buddy. Do you—do you want me to—to—to c-call someone? Or come with you to the—the. The—the—the—ho-hospital?”   

“Do I need to go to the hospital?” Poe's voice echoed through Finn’s head, but that, at least, he could latch on to.  

“You tell me, buddy,” Poe rasped.  

Finn shook his head swiftly. “I don't—I don't want to hurt myself. I just wish—I just wish I wasn't hurting. I wish I was better. I wish I could be better, for you. I wish I didn't have this voice in my head constantly telling me I'm not good enough. I wish—I wish I could go back and kill _him_ , not myself.”  

“Fucking hell.” Poe set a careful hand on Finn’s shoulder, throat aching. “I’m so glad you don’t want to—fuck, when you said you were here, I panicked a little, I thought—but you’re ok. I'm so fucking glad you’re ok. Can I—can I hug you?”   

“Pl-please.” Finn broke, shoulders shaking.  

“Buddy.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and held him tight. “Sweetheart. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. I wish you had nice voices in your head telling you good things about life. God, I wish I could just record myself—and Jess, and Snap, and probably Rey too—saying good things, and play it over and over for you until you believe it.”  

Finn sobbed into Poe’s shoulder. “I’m—I’m—I’m just so tired of dealing with it.”  

“I know, buddy, I know.” Poe leaned his head against Finn’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.” He stroked Finn’s back. “You’re going to get through it. I _promise_ you, you’re going to get through it.”  

Finn pulled back to wipe at his still-streaming eyes. “I—shit, Poe, I’m sorry. I should’ve called before coming over. I don’t—I don’t even really know how I got here.”  

“That’s ok, buddy.” Poe brushed Finn’s tears away. “You’re here, you’re safe, you came to the right place. So someone in your head is giving good directions. And you texted, which is good, because I guess I heard you come up the steps, or something, I was a little freaked out. But it’s ok now. And fortunately for you, I happen to have hot chocolate, a comfy couch, and an even comfier bed. You want to come on in?” He offered Finn his hand.  

“Are you sure? I’m better,” _ha, yeah right,_ “now. I could go home.”  

“Uh huh.” Poe narrowed his eyes at Finn, then shrugged. “Well, if you want to go home, that’s ok. I can even drive you, if you want. But you’re more than welcome to stay here. My door’s always open.” He considered this for a moment. “Well, metaphorically speaking.”  

It garnered a small smile from Finn. “Well, twist my arm.” He eased back in slowly for another hug. “But only because of the hot chocolate.” His laugh was shaky. “That’s a lie. It’s because your arms feel fucking amazing around me. You are a world class cuddler, Mr. Dameron.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled at him. “Well, then come on in, man.” He pulled Finn up with him. “I hope you’re not, um. Expecting something amazing from this hot chocolate. It’s just, like, a packet. I have a feeling you’d make something much more amazing. Although I hope you wouldn’t put herbs in it. I feel like they don’t really belong in hot chocolate. But, um. Anyway. I am always up for cuddling, any time, anywhere. I think I’d even allow that at the office.”   

Finn twined his fingers in Poe’s as they walked up the steps. “When it comes to hot chocolate, actually, I got nothin’. Except an appetite.” At Poe’s open door, Finn paused, then rested his forehead on Poe’s. “Thank you. For being here. I think I’d...I’d like to talk about it, later, maybe when we’re cuddling? I can still—" He took a stiff breath. “I can still hear him.”  

“Of course.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand. “I was hoping you’d say that. I mean, I don’t want to push you, and if you don’t want to talk, that’s ok too, but I—I hope it might help.” He waved Finn through the door and locked it behind them. “At the very least, maybe I can sing loudly and badly and drown out all of the bad voices?”  

In the kitchen, Finn sat at the table, wincing when he saw the bills Poe had obviously been in the middle of. “I’m sorry.  Oh god, except I’m not. I’m not sorry. You’re who I needed to be with. I’m not sorry, but I am selfish.”  

“It's a damn shame,” Poe sighed. “I'm going to have to take a break from the bills and drink hot chocolate and cuddle with my boyfriend instead.” He grinned at Finn, cleared the bills into a haphazard pile, filled the kettle, and set it to boil. “Selfish,” he said, emptying a packet of hot cocoa into each mug, “is taking the last piece of pizza without asking. Seeking out help that you need is your God-given right. Not selfish, and nothing to be sorry for.”  

Finn leaned his chin on his hand. “You’re still mad at me about that damn pizza?”  

“When did you… I was thinking about Jess, actually. She's a repeat offender. Did you—well. You probably earned it for _not_ snarking back at me at every opportunity.”   

“I can be stealthy. Especially around pizza.” Finn sobered. “But seriously—thank you for that. Asking for what I need is—" _Impossible._ “It used to be dangerous. Now it’s just—not easy.”  

Poe looked at Finn, then nodded. “I get that,” he said. “But you did it. I’ve seen you do all kinds of hard things before. Stay up all night to figure out how to fix the Parsons’ engine—yeah, I noticed, don’t give me that. Now you’ve got another hard thing to do—” He shrugged. “You’ll get there. When you can. No rush.” He turned around for a moment to stuff each mug full of marshmallows.  

“How—" Finn blew out a breath. “How do you not just wallow, and give up? It's like...being on the ocean, and you manage to tackle one big wave, but the next one is waiting to challenge you, and they get bigger each time, and eventually one is going to drown you.”  

“Can we—” Poe swallowed. “Can we maybe stop talking about drowning?” The whistling kettle saved him for a moment; he filled the cracks between the marshmallows in each mug with water and stirred them in tandem.

“Look,” he said at last, watching the marshmallows slowly melt. “I’m hoping you’ll get better than I’ve ever gotten. A lot better. I’m not a great role model for this. I told you, and I meant it. But. Um. Things scream when you kill them, right? So whenever the—the voices get louder in your head, that means you’re on the right track. And eventually, when you keep doing the things you need to do, they’ll shut the fuck up. Or at least quiet down a bit. I hope.” He handed a mug to Finn and settled down in the chair next to him, still stirring his mug.  

Finn touched Poe's thigh gently. “That's actually really comforting. And yeah, I'm sorry, I won't bring it up again. Thanks for asking me. For being vocal. I hate when I—when I trigger you.”  

Poe shrugged. “Happens.” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath of the fragrant steam rising from his mug, and tried to relax. “Not your fault.” He couldn’t quite unclench his hands, so he folded them around the mug instead. “Want to talk about it?”  

Finn wrapped his own hands around his mug, watching the brown liquid turn creamy with the excessive amount of marshmallows Poe had put in it. For some reason, it made Finn smile. “I—not yet? Tell me how the rest of the day went at the shop. Did Jess ever get up the nerve to ask that girl out?”  

“Nah, but Karé finally called her back—turns out her phone got stolen, so she couldn’t reach Jess. Judging from the excessive smiling going on around locker three, I’m guessing they’ve got a second date planned for this weekend.” Poe took a sip of his hot cocoa and licked the marshmallow froth off his lips.  

“Awww,” Finn managed, distracted as he was by Poe’s tongue. He shook his head at himself, and took a sip of his own hot chocolate. He wasn't in the right headspace to be starting anything. “Hey, speaking of, did you want me to reschedule at Chow? Fancy suits? Acting like mature adults in public?”  

“You sure I’m really capable of that?” Poe grinned at Finn. “Well. I’ll do my best. If only to see you in a suit again. So that would be great, yeah. Whenever you’re up for it.”  

“I'll see what they have available.” Finn sipped at his hot chocolate. “Do you have a sweet tooth?” he asked with a sardonic smile.  

“Oh, man.” Poe leaned back in his chair and linked his hands behind his neck. “That is just too easy. Where do I even start? Well, for starters, I don’t just have one sweet tooth, they’re all sweet. Secondly, how do you think I sweet-talk all the lovely gentlemen? Because, in fact, I have both a sweet tooth and a sweetheart.” He nudged Finn’s leg beneath the table. “And the last, the ultimate, the pièce de resistance: If you think my tooth is sweet, you should try my dick.” Poe tipped his chair back onto four legs and grinned at Finn.  

Finn blushed. “I can attest to the dick, but I don't remember the teeth. Maybe I can get a kiss with that sweet mouth to remind me?” Finn leaned over a little closer.  

Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand and kissed him, slow and gentle and hot cocoa-sweet.  

Finn let his eyes fall shut, then brushed goes lips over Poe’s cheek. “You're right. You're sweet to your core. Thanks.” He leaned back, taking another drink. He preferred the taste blended with Poe, but whatever. It was still good. “Pancakes or waffles?”  

“Theoretically, or do you want them right now?”  

Finn smiled. “Theoretically. I do both pretty well, and I'd like to make them for you, some lazy weekend morning, satisfy that sweet tooth a little maybe.”  

Poe raised an eyebrow and took a long gulp of the marshmallow-saturated cocoa. “Now that’s an invitation I’d never pass up. Does that come with a lazy weekend night, too?”  

“That's right, I forgot you're a breakfast-for-dinner kind of guy.” Finn brushed his hand over Poe's thigh again, needing the contact. Everything seemed better when he could touch Poe. “I, for one, have never believed in segregation of foods. Maybe that'll be my restaurant’s theme.”  

“Now _that’s_ a restaurant concept I could get behind.” Poe caught Finn’s hand and tangled their fingers together. “I was thinking of the night before, actually, but I’m down for breakfast any time of day.”  

“Oh, ha.” Finn ducked his head. “Yeah, I'd love to, of course. I like spending time with you.” He squeezed Poe's fingers. “That's the understatement of the year.”  

“Well. Same.” Poe kissed Finn’s fingers, one by one. “Come by any time you need cocoa, all right? I guess I could even make it less sweet for you, if it’s too much. But this is what marshmallows were made for, as far as I’m concerned.”  

Finn scooted his chair around the corner of the table so he could be closer to Poe, laying his head on Poe's shoulder. “I like the way you made it. The special Poe way.” He finished the last of his, the warmth radiating from his stomach making him drowsy.  

“Yeah?” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and pulled him closer, cradling him half in his lap. “Well. Good. Because I’ve been drinking hot cocoa this way since I was nine and I don’t intend to change it now.” He kissed the top of Finn’s head. “Maybe we can make it the highlighted dessert in your restaurant. That way I can be arm candy _and_ useful. Slightly useful. Kind of. A little bit. Sometimes.”  

“Oh my god,  have you been to La Crème? Up in Scotstown?”  

“Yeah? Few times. Grew up here, remember? But grew up with a dad that valued vegetables, and didn’t include cocoa beans in that definition.”  

“Tell me you've had their hot chocolate. If not, I swear, we are going to Scotstown this weekend.”  

“Where do you think nine-year-old me got the idea for my version?” Poe grinned. “But I’m always down to go there. Well worth the drive.” He considered for a moment. “We could even get the couple’s special, with all the strawberries and shit.”  

“Mmm, yes. Yes, right, I have never ordered the couple’s special just for myself.” Finn laughed into Poe's shoulder.   

“Well.” Poe nuzzled Finn’s hair. “We’ll have to go someday.” He stroked Finn’s back for a moment, breathing into the quiet of his kitchen.  

“I seriously don't mind if you want to get your bills done. I can... keep you company or something. Or wash the dishes since you cooked.” This was good. This was so good. _Thank you, body, for bringing me here,_   Finn thought to himself.  

“I can do them tomorrow, that’s fine. Sounds like you should get to bed soon, get some rest. You’ll feel better in the morning, I hope.” Poe collected the mugs and rose to wash them.  

“I'd still like to talk, if that's okay. Maybe on the couch? Or if you need to get to bed, I understand, too.” _I doubt I'm sleeping tonight._  

“Then let’s talk.” Poe set the clean mugs in the dishrack one by one with a pair of soft clinks, then turned to Finn and held out his hand. “I happen to have a great couch for talking on. Great couch for a lot of things, really. Good for fucking on too, probably, but not tonight, I guess. _Excellent_ for cuddling on.”  

“I think cuddling is more my speed tonight, as much as I regret that.” Finn stood, taking Poe's hand and pulling it up for a kiss.  

“Cuddling—” Poe pulled Finn into a full kiss, dipping him just a little— “is _always_ my speed. Any day. Any time. Just for the record.”   


	16. Finn's Panic Attack - part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn talks with Poe about what triggered him. 
> 
> Content warnings: Finn (aka TLib) references Shakespeare wrong but please go with it, sorry if it takes you out ;)  
> Also, for reals: referenced child abuse and specifics about verbal abuse, the educational system failing brilliant kids, bad teachers

Finn was happily breathless when Poe let him back up from the kiss. Swinging their hands just a little as they walked to the couch, Finn tried to psych himself up for the coming conversation.

“You,” Poe said, as he toppled back onto the couch, “are the best kisser I’ve ever met.” He tugged Finn down beside him and curled in close. “Not that I’ve kissed many people, which is probably really not what I’m supposed to be saying here, but…uh…you get the point? Um. Anyway. Sorry.”    

“You're so good to me. Do you mind if I—" Finn settled in, laying his head on Poe's shoulder again. He thought it might be better not to have to look into Poe's eyes.  

“Mmm.” Poe stroked Finn’s head. “If I could just spend the rest of my life right here like this, that would be wonderful. Who do I have to bribe to make that happen?”  

“I'd pay a pretty high price, too.” Finn sighed into Poe's soft strokes. “I know I've told you...some stuff. I just. Just need you to know I'm still struggling. I'm. He's really hard to beat, my dad. I spent a lot of time not even realizing he was my biggest enemy. I thought it was normal. He made me think it was normal. It's stupid how easy it is, still, for someone to just get away with—with abuse.” He took a shaky breath. “I don't remember my mom. I have this stupid wish deep inside me that she's dead. That that's why I was alone with him. I can't let myself think anything else, and he never said.”  

It took Poe a moment to breath past the ache in his throat. His other hand tightened on Finn’s waist, pressing him closer. “I’m sorry,” he whispered at last. “That you’re still struggling. That all of that—that—that _shit_ happened to you. Fuck.”  

“I don't have to keep going. It's okay. You holding me like this, it's okay. Better than it was.”  

“No, no, talk. I just—I don’t know what to say, I’m not—fuck, you know I’m not, like. Good with words, and shit. I just—I want to hear. Whatever you want to say. I want to hear it.”  

“Okay.” Finn nodded against Poe's shoulder. “It's just. I don't know how to get people to understand. It was constant. Nothing I ever did was right. I was stupid, so stupid. I was never going to be anything more than his burden. I—I—coming back from the war wounded, being honorably discharged even, it was like, just one more way I'd proved my dad right. That I'd never be anyone, amount to anything. That I'd tried, hadn't I? And failed. But it's not the first time I thought about. Ending it. It's—the constant pressure, the constant abuse. It seemed...easier to just—yeah.” He sniffled. “But I kept making connections. Connections that made it worth sticking around. Slip. My squadron. Rey. You. Hell, even my therapist. I feel like for the first time in my life I'm solidly in the ‘I want to keep doing this’ category. So why is he still there, in my head?”  

Poe wiped his eyes on his shoulder, then leaned his head against Finn’s. “I don’t know, buddy,” he croaked. “If I could pull him out of there and bash him to bits, I would. Fucking hell.” He stroked Finn’s waist, gathering himself together. “I’m glad you’re making connections,” he said at last. “I hope they can be enough to keep you here. Hell, I’d—” He stopped. “You’re so much more than that,” he said. “Than—a—a fucking burden, god, you’re smart and kind and funny and so fucking brave.”   

“Yeah?”  

 _“Fuck_ yeah.” Poe kissed the top of Finn’s head.  

“I don’t know if I’ll ever...ever _not_ need constant reminders of that. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually  believe it, by myself.”  Finn toyed with Poe’s hand, tracing over the veins, before threading their fingers together.  

“Then keep people around who can remind you of who you really are.” Poe shifted them further onto the couch and wrapped a leg around Finn’s to keep them steady. “And you don’t know what will happen. You really don’t. You just started working with this therapist. I’m glad they’re helpful. Maybe after two years, five years, ten years…maybe someday you’ll be able to start believing it.”  

Finn’s head was resting against Poe’s chest, now, his heart thumping steadily, perfectly below Finn’s cheek. “I went to the college today. It’s—it’s kind of silly, how easy it is, how easy they make it. Maybe—maybe that’s what triggered me, or _him._ Has it always been this easy? I’m pretty sure I never had a teacher, certainly not a parent, that sat me down and explained the process start to finish like the lady did today. Maybe if—" Finn cut himself off. ‘Maybe if’s were dangerous.   

“Easy—easy is good, isn’t it?” Poe asked, confused. “I’m glad you went today! And I’m glad she explained all of it.”  

“Yeah, easy is great. It’s like —if it was this easy all along, why did no one think I could do it? Am I that stupid? That’s what started the spiral, I think.”  

“If they thought you were going to fail,” Poe said slowly, “and they wanted you to fail, wouldn’t they have just let you try?” Finn’s chest rose and fell beneath his hand, distractingly warm and solid. “Maybe they tried to cut you down because they knew you’d succeed. Knew you’d go farther than they did. Maybe they were scared of that.”  

“So I need to—" Finn chewed over his thought. “I’m going to succeed _in spite_ of them. Like. ‘Fuck you, I did it.’”  

“Hell yeah, you will.” Poe smiled and hugged him closer to his chest. “Man, I am going to cheer so fucking loud at your graduation, you have no idea.”  

Tears sprang into Finn’s eyes. “I don’t know what I did to earn your confidence like this.”  

Poe thought this over for a while. “Confidence isn’t something you should have to earn,” he said at last. “Everyone deserves to be believed in by the people around them.” He rested a hand at the small of Finn’s back, just below his scar. “And at any rate, college may be hard, but it’s not impossible. It’s just a lot of steps. Once you break it down into everything you need to do, all of those steps will be things you _can_ do. Like—like combat training, the obstacle course. Hard, sure, but possible. And I bet you got top marks.”  

Finn started to scoff. “That was just—" He went quiet. “Yeah, I understand.” A smile crept onto his face. “I kicked that thing’s ass, actually. Set a record.”  

“Hell yeah, you did.” Poe patted Finn’s ass. “You’re going to do the same to culinary school.”  

“Tell me more about what graduation will be like.” Finn snuggled in closer.

“Um. Ok. Well, haven’t you—oh, right, you got your GED.  They didn’t have any kind of graduation ceremony for that?” _Don’t ask him why he didn’t graduate from high school. Don’t ask. DON’T ASK._  

“I pretty much enlisted as soon as the results were in my hand.”  

“Hmm. Well, I mean, every graduation is different, but the basic gist is you wear the big robe, there are lots of speeches, everyone falls asleep…you know this, buddy, I’m sure you’ve seen it in movies and all. Then they call your name, you walk across the stage, we cheer our heads off, you grab that diploma, and you run like hell—oh wait no maybe not. Nah. Go back to your seat. More speeches. Try not to fall asleep or roast to death in the sun, if they hold it outside. Eventually they let us go free and we have a huge party for you.”  

“I'm never quite sure how real movies are or not. They certainly don't show what it's really like in war,” Finn replied quietly. “That all sounds nice, although maybe more telling of teenage Poe than anything else.” He laughed a little, turning his head to kiss Poe's  cheek. “I bet you were a charmer back then, too.”  

Poe shifted just enough to kiss Finn’s lips, deep and slow. “Nah,” he said at last, as he broke away. “Like I said, I didn’t even come out to myself until just before graduation. And I guess I used to be a bit better with words, but…not that much better. I am a pro at snappy comebacks, but I’ve never really been a sweet-talker.”  

“Well, it works for me,” Finn whispered against his lips, before kissing him again.  

Poe smiled against Finn’s lips, stupidly pleased. “I'm glad,” he whispered back, then kissed Finn again. “You’re the only one I’ve ever really wanted to charm.” 

Finn shifted carefully so he could face Poe, making sure Poe's leg was propped the way it had been. “Well, bullseye. Never been happier to be charmed.” He brushed their noses together.  

“Yeah?” Poe’s grin grew larger than his face, or at least that’s what it felt like. “I’m glad.” He rested his forehead against Finn’s, then kissed Finn’s nose. “And I will be so fucking glad to have a _college graduate_ for a boyfriend. Oh man. When do you start classes?”  

“Spring quarter started a couple of weeks ago, so, um, end of June.  And they want me to start this college survival class now, but it’s online. Once I get my paperwork in, I’ll get an account, and can start that right away, so I’ll be able to start with culinary classes in the summer.” Finn shivered a little in Poe’s arms, from excitement, from nerves.  

“That’s awesome! So you filled out all the paperwork? You’re in? That was quick!” Poe hugged Finn closer. “Man, we should be celebrating! Although I don’t know what celebratory drink would be better than hot cocoa.”  

“Well, I didn’t get everything quite filled out before—before I spiraled. But I can take it in tomorrow.” Finn buried his head in Poe’s neck. “No celebrating yet. Let’s wait for that graduation day you told me about.”  

“Nope.” Poe nudged Finn’s face back up and brushed a thumb over his cheek. “You can wait for tomorrow to fill out the forms, for sure. I think that sounds like a great idea. Bring them to the shop if you want, do them on your lunch break. Snap will make endless fun of you, but he’s also a secret filling-out-forms ninja. It’s an important talent. But we are celebrating _now,_ Finn, and every single fucking time you take a step towards your dreams. You did a great thing today, sweetheart. An amazing thing. I’m so fucking proud of you.”  

The tear tipped out of Finn’s eye and ran across his nose before he could react. “Thank you.” The words didn’t sound like enough. He wasn’t sure it could ever be enough. He captured Poe’s mouth, and the kiss stayed sweet even as he cried. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”  

“Buddy.” Poe kissed the tears off Finn’s cheeks. “Oh, buddy. It’s ok. You’re ok.”  

Finn nodded, willing himself to believe it. His hand, which had been captured between them, slid up to feel Poe’s heartbeat.  

 _I hate that you do this,_ Poe thought, throat aching. _I hate that you act like I’m the best man in the world just for treating you with basic decency. I hate that they did this to you._ He buried his face in Finn’s shoulder.  

Finn’s mind was quiet, for the first time in hours. It was just Poe, and him, and the random noises of Poe’s house settling around them.  

“What else did you want to talk about?” Poe rasped at last, when he could get his voice back under control. “Did anything else trigger this, or was it mostly the college visit?”  

“The college visit. I need—I need to talk with Dr. Ramirez about ways to stop the spiraling. Next therapy’s tomorrow after work, so hopefully—maybe—" Finn sighed. “It’s frustrating to think of this in terms of years. Recovery, I mean.” His face cleared after a second though. “But it’s easier to think of it as years than never.”   

 _Better years than decades, my man._ “Yeah,” Poe coughed. “Later is always better than never. You’ll get there, you really will.” He hesitated. “Do you—do you believe that? Or—can you pretend to believe it hard enough to keep going?”   

Finn chewed on his lip. “I can’t—I don’t—I—I—" He stopped, closed his eyes, took a deep breath. Exhaled, took another one. “I want to?”  

“Well—that’s good. Um.” Poe watched the tense furrow in Finn’s brow. “I mean, that’s better than not wanting to.” He sighed. “Little steps? Little steps, you’ll get there.”   

“Little steps,” Finn repeated, opening his eyes again to look into the dark beauty of Poe’s. “I can believe in little steps.”  

“There you go, buddy.” Poe grinned up at Finn. “That’s the spirit.”   

Finn smiled reflexively back at Poe. God, he loved the way Poe’s eyes crinkled when he grinned. He kissed Poe, right by one of the eye crinkles. “Thanks.”  

“Of course, man.” Poe ran a hand down Finn’s back to his ass. “It’s a pleasure. I’m glad you came over tonight.”  

“I’m glad I came, too.” Finn pushed his ass back into Poe’s hand a little, liking the comforting warmth there. “Can I—" His voice lowered, unsure. “Can I stay?” He shook his head. “I mean, if you think it would be a bad idea, if you need space, to make sure you’re not triggered, I can go home. I just—" _Really want to fall asleep in your arms again._  

“I’d love that,” Poe said softly.  

And just like that, everything quieted within Finn again. “Okay.” He kissed Poe again, slow and sweet, like honey.  

Poe kissed Finn back, melting into his arms with the bone-deep trust that came so easily around him. They could stay here for hours, Poe was sure, kissing and being kissed, all night if they could, and all day as well.  

It seemed as natural as breathing, kissing Poe. Loving Poe. Nothing like the frenetic, scary energy his father had shown in pursuit of women. Finn’s brow furrowed. _Don't ruin this with thoughts of him._ Just that...he never figured he'd find someone that made the fantasy of romance novels seem real.  

Finn’s kisses were sweet, intoxicating, _wonderful._ Poe could see himself lying here on this couch, kissing Finn, at forty years old…sixty… _what the hell?_ He shook his head to clear it. “Do you, um,” he croaked. “You wanted to get to bed? Or more kissing, we can stay here, this is. This.” He blinked up into the warm light of Finn’s eyes. “I could do this forever, I really could.”  

Finn felt the words between them. Very rarely in his life had he been offered the promise of forever, except with death. This was much better. But Poe probably hadn't meant anything more by it than hyperbole. “I think there's a line in Shakespeare about being able to live off someone's lips. Ha. Random memories from high school for the win. Anyway, since we aren't fairies, as much I still think I'm going to let you go and you'll just disappear, we should probably attempt sleep. Although I'll let you know right now, I don't think it's going to happen for me tonight. Not after an attack.”  

Poe traced the furrow in Finn’s brow. “Sorry, buddy. I don’t have any romance novels to offer you, but I do have a bunch of random books and a stack of sports magazines that you’re welcome to. But that will be far beneath you, you Shakespeare-quoter. I don’t understand how you possibly failed out of high school—nope, no, sorry, didn’t mean to go there. Um.” Poe ducked his head. “Sorry. Anyway. I’m not going to disappear, I promise. You want to try to sleep, or just set up a nice reading nook?”  

“Will I disturb you if I read in bed? I don't want to miss out on those Dameron cuddles. But I don't want to keep you awake either. No use in having both of us sluggish tomorrow at the shop.” Finn rested his head on Poe's chest, listening to his lungs fill.  

“That’s ok.” Poe stroked Finn’s head. “I was thinking I would text Jess anyway, say we’ll both be in two hours late and stay two hours late. Give you at least a chance to get a few hours of sleep. And the noise is fine, you can keep a light on if you want and everything. I often do if I’m not doing well. Easier to orient myself when I wake up.”  

“Mmm,” Finn agreed, then winced. “I have therapy after work. But it's okay. I've worked on no sleep before, I can do it again. But you stay, sleep in.”  

“Nah.” Poe stretched and adjusted his grip on Finn to keep them from falling off the couch. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let you sneak out? I can’t make eggs like you can, but I can provide you with…cereal? More hot cocoa?” Poe sighed. “Shit, I need to up my game. I'm sorry.”   

Finn snorted against Poe's chest. “Honey, if you up your game any more you might give me a heart attack. I love you just like this. Cereal and all.”  

 _Again. You’re doing it again, fuck it—_ Poe shook his head. “Come on, buddy. Let’s get you to bed, or close to it.”  

Finn slowly sat up, stiffening his limbs in a stretch before pushing to his feet. He reached down to help Poe up.  

“Oh god.” Poe groaned and shifted his knee to make sure it was still in working order. “Ok. Books are here, and magazines are in that elegant pile on the top shelf. Have you ever read _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance?_ That’s probably my favorite book, if I had to pick one.”  

“I've heard of it. Tonight is as good as any night to finally read it, I guess,” Finn replied, then frowned in concern. “Do you want me to massage your knee again?”  

“Um.” Poe looked down. “I think it’s all right. I just need to keep moving, or it stiffens up.”  

“Okay. Well, just know that I'm always willing,” Finn said with a smile. Afraid of smothering Poe, he walked instead over to the pile Poe had pointed out, and rifled through it until he came across a well-read copy of _Zen_.  

“May take you up on that, if it’s not better by tomorrow morning. You’re going to spoil me, though. I do know how to massage it, well enough, I just—” Poe’s eyes caught on Finn’s hands, flipping through the pages of _Zen._ “I,” Poe said, seeing Finn’s hands massaging his knee on that dock, stroking across his chest, wrapping around his dick— “What? Um. Uh. Bedtime? Bedtime.”  

Finn looked up, a little distracted by the book, then warmed at the look of appreciation on Poe’s face. That was—that was a heady feeling, indeed. To be desired. It gratified him down to his core. “Do you mind if I sleep in my briefs? I’m pretty sure you won’t have any pajamas that fit. I have, um, _thick_ thighs.”  

“Yeah,” Poe croaked. “You know, I—uh—I was thinking that myself. Um.” He blinked. “I—I don’t mind, no. I also have some looser ones which might fit you ok. It’s a little cold still to be sleeping bare-assed.”  

“Well, I can try. I don’t want to rip anything with this ass.” Finn tucked the book at his side, then slipped his arm around Poe, brushing his lips over Poe’s cheek.  

 _Finn was triggered tonight,_ Poe growled at himself. _Badly. This is no time to go fucking around. No matter what you and your new sexual awakening are thinking._ “Up to you,” Poe managed. He leaned into Finn’s embrace and closed his eyes. “You want to shower, or anything?”  

“I prefer the morning. But, um, if you need to shower then, I can go tonight. I know that’s a. Um. Thing.” Finn offered a little smile.  

“No. I usually shower in the morning too. Better energy then. And, um.” Poe rubbed his chin. “If I shaved now, I would have a fresh beard by the morning.” He took Finn’s hand and headed down the hallway. “Come on, punk. Let me tuck you in. Last call, pjs or nah?”  

“I’ll try ‘em. I don’t want to like, assault you with my morning wood or something,” Finn replied with a laugh. In Poe’s bedroom, he stripped his shirt off and slipped out of his sandals.  

“I’m a little worried about that myself. Jumping on  _you,_ I mean. I—” Poe’s eyes flicked across the broad planes of Finn’s chest. “No. Ok. Never mind. Um.” Poe rummaged through his drawers for a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, both a bit larger than his usual. “Here. Hope these fit. Maybe, um.” He flashed Finn a crooked grin. “If you’re going to make a habit of this, maybe I should get you a set of your own. Toothbrush. All that.”   

“Well,” Finn started, taking the clothes from Poe, then slipping an arm around his waist, “I _hope_ I don’t make a habit of spiraling out and needing you to talk me down. But spending the night? I’ll take whatever leeway you give me, I have to admit.” He kissed Poe softly. “See you in a bit.”  

“Me neither,” Poe said softly, watching Finn walk down the hall to the bathroom. He changed into his own pajamas, did a couple of his knee exercises, checked the locks on the front door one last time, and flicked on his nightlight. _God,_ he said. _Let me be what he needs me to be. Let him sleep ok tonight, and be ok in the morning. Give him back his hope._

 _Please._  

Finn splashed some water on his face, washing away old tear tracks. He studiously avoided the mirror —he didn’t need the reminder of how much he looked like his father tonight —and slid his pants off. Everything was a little tight, but comfortable enough for sleep. He smiled at the thought of having a space of his own here. Or of Poe carving out a little chunk of his own apartment. _Too fast?_ Maybe a question for his therapist tomorrow. He padded back down the hallway. When he came back to the bedroom, Poe was looking lost in thought. He deliberately made his footfalls louder.  

Poe looked up as Finn came back into the bedroom. “Hey. Looking good, my man.” His shirt and sweats stretched just a little bit over the graceful lines of Finn’s body, enough to send Poe's thoughts on a few highly entertaining tangents before he managed to haul them back into line. “It, uh,” he coughed. “Occurred to me. That the bed is—up against the wall? I wasn’t sure if you cared which side you were on. Although, I guess you can always just climb off the end.”  

“Which would make you feel safer?”  

“Last I heard, you’re sleeping here too. Or at least trying to.”  

Finn shrugged, frowning a little. “I don’t really have a preference.”  

“Well.” Poe looked at his hands. “I’d prefer the outside, I guess. If that’s all right with you.”  

“That’s fine.” Finn nodded vigorously, relieved. He grabbed the book from the end table and pulled back the covers, scooting over until there was enough room for Poe.  

“You’re a fucking sweetheart, you know that?” Poe slid in next to Finn and kissed him. “Thank you.”  

“Someone keeps telling me that, but I don’t remember who,” Finn teased, brushing their lips together again. He settled in to Poe’s side, so their thighs were touching. “Good night. I love you.”  

 _I—_ Poe blinked at Finn. “I,” he said. “Good night. Sweetheart.” He kissed Finn back, then curled into Finn’s side.  

Finn cracked the book open, the nightlight providing just enough light to read by if he positioned the book correctly. _I should get one of those for my place. Or a couple, maybe, if he has to get up to go to the bathroom in the night or something_ , he thought absently as he turned to the first page. He quickly fell into the story, and the philosophical discussions. It kind of reminded him of some of the late nights at the shop, just the four of them, working hard to get something done, the lateness leading to discussions. He was immersed before he knew it, and better, the warmth of Poe at his side, the soft wind of his breaths on Finn’s shoulder, and the book, they all kept his father at bay.

The nightlight cast just enough of a glow against Poe’s eyelids to keep him safe. He listened to the soft rustle of the pages of Finn’s book, the quiet shifting of the blankets as he moved, and the rhythmic pace of his breath. Finn’s body was a protecting shield by his side, everything was ok…  

It was late, horribly so, so much so that now it was early, when Finn's eyes started to droop, and he was out. He managed a few hours of sleep before his body woke him up. He was going to drag today, he knew it. But it could have been worse. It could have been all night. He could have greeted the sunrise never having slept.

He glanced over at Poe, still sleeping, brow slightly furrowed. _I wish I could protect you in your sleep as easily as I could protect you awake, buddy._ Careful not to wake Poe up, Finn picked the book up off his chest and began reading again.  


	17. Finn's Panic Attack - the day after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after Finn's panic attack, and it's Poe's turn to freak out about something himself.
> 
> No major content warnings, but we do have the (kind of) introduction of Kes Dameron in this chapter!

Poe woke up with a gasp and scrambled away from the stranger, heart pounding. “What the—” He looked around the room—crack of light through the curtains, rumpled sheets, half-hour until his morning alarm, body next to him. “The hell are you doing here?” he rasped, then squinted more closely. 

Finn. Reading his book. Much further along than he’d been last night. “Oh,” Poe said, lurching towards lucidity. “You.”   

Finn's heart broke a little at the panicked look on Poe's face, not because Poe hadn't recognized him but because Poe deserved peace. “Morning, Poe,” Finn said quietly, trying for bright and understanding at the same time. _**Probably failing.**_ “You have a little bit of time left, I think. You could come back and cuddle in and try to fall asleep again.” Finn bit his lip and tried not to look hopeful.  

Poe looked around the room for a moment, trying to get his breathing back under control. There was the photo of him and his dad just after he enlisted, scrubbed up and uniformed and grinning from ear to ear. The old radio from his grandfather he still hadn’t fixed up. The Our Lady of the Rosary statue from his mother, votive still standing unlit before it. Finally, the nightlight—his habitual last stop when reorienting himself—was partially hidden by Finn’s shoulders, but still cast a soft light into the room. 

Right. Finn was here.  _ Shit. _

“Um.” Poe rubbed his forehead. “Uh. Sorry. I. It takes me a little while? To wake up properly. It’s nothing—nothing personal. I promise. I'm sorry.”   

“You don't have to wake up quite yet, if you don't want. I just wasn’t sure if talking was better, or maybe I should just be silent, but you didn't really like that before, so I'll…I'll figure it out, I'm sure.” Finn was mostly muttering to himself, and he hadn't really meant to say it aloud, for Poe to hear.  

“Uh. You can talk? I don’t really know if that will help or not.” Poe shifted a bit to make sure his knee was still in working order. “Sorry if I scared you. It just—it takes me a few minutes to—to come back.” Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair, which was probably standing up in some kind of horrific bedhead. “I’m sorry,” he said again, flushed with embarrassment. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”  

“No, no, you're okay. I just—" Finn clamped down on his tongue.  _ I just want you to be happy. _ “Offer still stands if you want to snuggle back in.”  

“Well.” Poe finally managed a small smile. “That’s not an offer I’d turn down.” He cuddled back in beside Finn, hoping like hell that his morning breath wasn’t too bad. “And you? How are you? You’re halfway through that thing—you didn’t get any sleep, in the end?”  

Finn tucked his arm more firmly around Poe's shoulders. “A couple of hours, I think? Not so bad. Best night of sleep I've had after an attack in…months.”  

“That’s…better than none, I guess? But I hope we can work on that. Not much you can do after a couple of hours’ sleep.”  Poe sighed. “You feeling any better, or no?”   

“Yeah. No guarantee he won't come back when I fill out the paperwork. But yeah, this morning seems pretty bright.” Finn brushed his lips over Poe's curls.  

“Glad to hear it.” Poe wrapped an arm over Finn’s chest and curled in closer. “If you want to bring the paperwork over sometime, or to the office or something, go for it. Maybe I can try to fight the voices for you.”  

“You’d definitely kick his ass. He was a coward.” Finn’s hand swept over Poe’s back, as if he needed to remind himself Poe was there, Poe was real.  

“Mmm.” Poe breathed in the familiar spice of Finn’s skin. “Well, you’re not.” He hesitated, trying to find the right words. “What I mean is—he’s gone. Out of here. So—the only thing left—the voice you hear—is  _ you.  _ The part of you that agrees with him, or still believes he’s—he’s—he’s there. You’re not fighting  _ him.  _ He’s done, he’s gone, he’s history. What you’re fighting is—is part of yourself.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if that makes any sense.”  

“I—" Finn tried to form words like the entire foundation of his being hadn’t been lifted and resettled in a different direction.   

“I don’t—” Poe bit his lip. “I don’t mean to tell you what—what you’re—what you're feeling. That’s just—that’s what my—my therapist said, it helped me. I thought—maybe it might help you, too.”  

Finn pulled Poe closer and buried his face in Poe’s hair, breathing in his scent. When he’d taken a  few breaths to center himself, he tried again. “When he died, I was—I was relieved, and I’ve made my peace with that, so hopefully you won’t—won’t think I’m a horrible person. The army offered to fly me back for the service — _like anyone organized a service for him_ — and I didn’t go. I thought, ‘I’m finally safe.’ But he was still there, in my head, ‘cause monsters never die.” He reached up to wipe at his eye. “You’re right. Obviously it’s me. It’s the monster he left inside of me.”  

Poe stroked Finn’s shoulder and listened as Finn’s breath slowly calmed. “You’re not a monster,” he said softly. “It’s a  _ good  _ thing to be glad that you’re safe from him. You deserve to be. And you—” He tried like hell to pick the right words. “There’s not a  _ monster _ inside of you. It’s just you, and the part of you that believes him, because that’s what you were told for a really long time.”  

Finn shifted so he could see Poe’s face better. Thought he was going to go in for a kiss, but just rested his forehead against Poe’s instead.  “I think I need some time to process it. I don’t—I don’t know how I feel about that, acknowledging that it’s  _ me. _ ”  

“Yeah, yeah, of course! Of course. I didn’t mean to shake you up, or—or—or hurt you, I just—thinking like that helped me, that’s all. If it doesn’t help you, then—then don’t worry about it, I’m—I’m not a therapist. I’m sorry.”  

“It’s okay,” Finn replied quietly. “It’s not bad. It’s just. A lot to process. Please don’t feel bad.”  

“Ok.” Poe listened to the quiet rush of Finn’s breath for a moment. “I just—you can tell me to fuck off, ok? If I say something that hurts you. Or just—doesn’t work for you.”    

“I genuinely cannot see myself in a scenario where I tell you to fuck off.” Finn’s lips curved up, and he tipped Poe’s chin up so he  _ could _ kiss him this time.  

Poe smiled into the kiss. “Well,” he said when they broke apart. “Yeah, you’re usually much more polite than I am. But, you know. Please stop talking, fuck you, go away, not today, whatever. I’ll understand.”  

“Okay. I promise.” Finn dipped his head for another kiss, sinking into it a little, when the blare of an alarm started to go off somewhere in the room. “Fuck off,” he grumbled.  

“There, see? I knew you had it in you.” Poe grinned, kissed Finn again, and slapped his bedside table until he found the snooze button on his clock.   

Finn laid back in the bed and laughed. After stretching, he scratched at his chin in distaste. “Do you have to have a spare razor? Or maybe I should just dash home really quick and then meet you at the shop. I need to pick up my meds anyway.”  

“Yeah, should be another one left in the pack. Unless you want to go home first.” Poe sighed. “We don’t really have to get up now, do we? I was enjoying that kiss.”  

Finn grinned, rolling a little to pull Poe up to his side again. He kissed Poe’s neck, then his cheek, then his mouth again, taking his time. “The longer we wait, the more Jess is going to tease us.” He grinned against Poe’s lips. “But I do have fun telling her at great lengths what a fantastic lover you are, how perfect your dick is, how you keep me up all night.”  

Poe choked on air. “I—you— _ what?” _ he croaked at last. “Fucking hell, you crazy people. So  _ that’s  _ why you two were laughing so hard the other day?”  

“Yup,” Finn nodded. He smiled down at Poe, who was still flabbergasted, and ran his hand lightly down Poe’s chest. “It’s, uh, actually been really good? Bonding with Jess.” He tapped Poe’s stomach gently. “And we don’t just talk about your perfect dick. In fact, we’ve agreed to disagree on the subject.”  

“Right,” Poe said weakly. “Well. Good. Um. I’m so glad she has opinions about my dick.” He sighed. “Maybe I should add that to the sign, too. No Boning, No Ogling, and No Discussing Other Employees’ Genitalia.” He cocked his head. “During work hours, at least.”  

“Ah, well, at least you’re leaving me some wiggle room.” Finn nuzzled along Poe’s throat, tasting him. “You’re not mad, right? I didn’t mean to make you upset. It was just—just bonding stuff.”  

“I’m not—no. No, I’m not mad. I just—” Poe sucked in a quick breath as Finn’s lips landed on his pulse point. “I’m just—like I said. I'm not used to people—looking at me.  _ Wanting  _ me.” He wrapped a hand around Finn's arm. “I’m glad you’re getting along with her.”  

Finn rested his head on Poe’s shoulder, content. “Hopefully it gets easier. Because I can’t see myself not wanting you, either.”  

“Yeah?” Poe flushed. He ran a hand down Finn’s arm, across his stomach, over the slight bulge in his sweats. “Well. Same to you.”  

Finn’s hips arched into Poe’s touch a little, following his hand. “Do we—do we have time for this? Because otherwise—"  

“Not really,” Poe said regretfully. “But can we maybe take a pause and come back to this later?”  

“Yeah. Yeah. Good plan.” Finn scooted his suddenly overheated body away from Poe, but couldn’t resist keeping a hand on his hip. “I should go home. Do that walk of shame myself. Get my meds and shower and stuff.”  _ Definitely not masturbate in the shower while thinking about you, nope. _

“Ok,” Poe sighed. “I mean, you can shower here if you want. But I probably don’t have the right meds. And yes, if you show up in the same clothes as yesterday, Jess will catch you before you put on the coveralls and she will never stop teasing you for it.”  

“Fair. Okay.” Finn sat up, stretching again, scooting toward the end of the bed and out. Standing, he groaned, and bent at the waist to touch his toes, stretching his back out. “Mmm.” He pulled Poe’s shirt off, though he was sad to lose Poe’s scent, and turned away from Poe to slide the pajama bottoms down so he wouldn’t see Finn’s half-full erection.  

“Damn.” Poe slid off the bed and bent his leg in the first of his knee exercises. “I guess the No  Discussing Genitalia rule applies to yours, too? Because I’m pretty sure  _ you’re  _ the one with the perfect dick.”  

“Augh, don’t, I already have to walk all the way home before I can take care of this thing—Er. Um.” Finn blushed furiously, and hastily pulled his jeans up and closed.  

“I don’t,” Poe said softly, and ran a hand down the seam of his fly.  

“Poe—" Finn gasped, his voice perilously close to a whine.  

Poe stepped between Finn’s legs, cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm, and kissed him until he ran out of air.  _ I could get the hang of this,  _ he thought to himself, and grinned wickedly at Finn.  _ Teasing is fun.  _ “See you tonight, baby?”  

“Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _ I’ve created a—" Finn stopped himself short before saying ‘monster.’ “A sex fiend.” He grinned, pulling Poe back for another mind blowing kiss. He was panting when he stopped, and smiling like a dope. “See you, get my mouth on you. Can’t wait for tonight.” He broke away, sliding his sandals on, then turned back for one last kiss. “I might be at the shop late. I’ll make it up to you. But the boss has a no boning policy, and there’s no way I’m getting through today without getting off.” He leaned over to whisper in Poe’s ear. “Then again, maybe I won’t be late. I’m going to imagine it’s your perfect hand wrapped around my dick, and come in seconds.”  

_ “Jesus.”  _ Poe shivered. “I talk a better game than I can actually play, you know. But, um. I think I’ve already been outclassed.” He traced the line of Finn’s jaw, then stepped back. “Don’t care when you get to the shop, long as there’s eight hours before you punch out again, you know the drill. Take as long as you need—” he ran his tongue over his bottom lip— “baby.”  

“Outclassed,” Finn snorted. “Sure. More like, skipping baby steps and taking big fucking leaps, and I fuckin’ love it,” he growled. “See you at the shop.” At the door to the bedroom, he turned, smirking. “I’ll be thinking of you,” he promised before walking out.  

“So will I,” Poe said, with a crooked smile. He walked Finn to the front door, then kissed him again, one hand on the doorknob. “See you,” he murmured at last, and ran a hand down Finn’s ass just for good measure.  

Finn sent Poe one last grin over his shoulder. God, he was painfully hard in his jeans, but luckily they were keeping him well-confined. 

Home again, he avoided the kitchen with its spiral-inducing papers and walked straight to the shower. He stripped, tested the water, and climbed in. After cursory scrubs at his hair and face with soap, he leaned against the  wall, letting the shower stream down on him as he wrapped a hand around his cock. He gasped a little, remembering the feel of Poe’s hand there, his mouth. Slowly, Finn jacked himself. He heard Poe’s moans in his mind, imagined Poe writhing below him, so unsure of himself, of his sexual nature. Finn leaned his forehead against the cool shower wall and jacked harder, his moans echoing through the small space. The memory of Poe’s cum filling his mouth, his throat, that’s what had him gliding happily over into orgasm. He stiffened, and his cum mixed with the water going down the drain.

He gave himself a little recovery time, then hopped out and dried off. Spring in his step, he popped out all of the proper pills and took them. Face shaved, teeth brushed, and dressed, body still humming a bit with the high of the orgasm, Finn strode confidently into the kitchen, grabbed the paperwork, and ran to catch the bus.  

Poe showered quickly and carefully, keeping his face out of the water as much as possible. He shaved, dressed, grabbed a quick breakfast, gathered his things together, and checked the time—yeah, ok, he had a little time before he needed to leave. 

He retreated to his bedroom, settled himself against the pillows, unzipped his fly, took his cock in hand, tipped his head back against the wall, and closed his eyes. He ran a hand down the strong muscle of Finn’s thighs, admiring how they stretched the seams of his sweats. Finn kissed him, slow and drugging, then settled back onto the pillows and flashed Poe that sweet smile—the one that lit up his entire face. Eyes intent on Poe’s, he wrapped his legs around Poe’s waist and drew him closer. Poe’s cock slipped inside Finn’s ass like it was meant to be there, tight and hot and everything he’d ever dreamed. Finn folded Poe into his arms and rocked them in time with Poe’s thrusts, keeping Poe safe and secure. Poe ground his hips against Finn’s, feeling the heat of their bodies where they joined—  _ I love you,  _ Finn said.  _ I’ve got you. You're safe.  _

Poe arched up with a gasp. He opened his eyes to find a warm splash of cum on his hand and a lingering buzz in his hips.  _ We’re going to need to add No Lustful Thoughts to that sign,  _ he thought to himself, dazed.  _ Jesus. How am I supposed to walk in, say hi to Finn, and get to work?  _

With a groan, he heaved himself up, cleaned off his hand, tucked himself back in, grabbed his bag, and headed to the shop.  

Poe’s head was stuck in an engine when Finn got to work, so he went through the work orders himself. Next in line was a standard oil change and fluid check, on Mrs. Peat’s car. She didn’t put by those newfangled quick lube places, she’d told Finn once. “Just wham, bam, thank you ma’am,” the blustery woman who had to be at least in her sixties had said, making Finn blush. “I prefer someone to give my girl a little time, you know. The proper treatment.” 

Finn got set up under Mrs. Peat’s girl, a Chevy from the ‘70s that she kept in great condition. There was simple comfort in routine, and Finn lost himself in it.  

Poe ignored Finn as best he could all morning and did  _ not  _ look at his ass once, no sir. He did his work and he did his work well, even when Rev. Diego’s car refused to turn over for the fourth time. He was so engrossed in the problem, in fact, that by the time Snap loudly cleared his throat behind him, he’d forgotten what he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about. 

“What?” Poe grunted, re-checking the wiring. 

“Lunchtime, man. Unless you’re fasting today. We’re all taking a break now.” 

“Oh.” Poe sighed, then slid out from beneath the car, wiped his face, and stretched to his feet. “Gotcha. Thanks.” He followed Snap to the lockers, pulled out his lunch, and snagged his chair in the break room. “Hey, friends.”  

Finn chewed on his pen as he looked up and smiled at Poe. “Hey,” he added in the chorus from Jess and Snap. He blushed, then ducked his head back to his paperwork, meticulously filling out lines and checking boxes. To his side, he saw Jess glance at he and Poe, then nod at Snap sagely.  

“So, Jess,” Poe said, unwrapping his sandwich. “How’d things go last night with Karé?”  

Jess choked a little on her grape, then cleared her throat. “So you remembered that, huh? Snap and I have been wondering the same thing about you two. Waltzing in here late, ‘separately,’” and she lifted her fingers up to do the air quotes, “looking very satisfied with yourselves.” 

Finn rolled his eyes and kicked her under the table lightly. “I saw you looking at your phone earlier, all giggly and looking  _ satisfied _ .”

“You know, I’m starting to worry I’m going to catch all these  _ hormones _ you three have flying around this place.” Snap mock-shuddered.  

“Don’t worry, Snap,” Poe drawled. “Pretty sure the coveralls protect against random sudden urges to date. You’ll be all right.” He kicked Jess’ chair.  _ “You,  _ on the other hand. We’re all going to call a truce on prying into each other’s lives. Don’t make me add that to the sign.”  

“Can we add ‘no adding things to the sign’ to the sign instead?” Jess smirked as she stirred her yogurt around.  

“Nope!” Poe grinned at her. “I’m trying to keep this a respectable place of business, thank you very much.” He turned to Finn. “How’re those forms coming along?”  

Finn grinned as Jess stuck her tongue out at Poe. Was this, he wondered, what it was like to have siblings? If so, he liked it. “Good, I'm almost done, actually.  I can drop it off on campus after my therapy appointment tonight.” It had been easier to fill them out here, where Jess and Snap could distract his thoughts before they spiraled.  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed at Finn, forgetting all about their audience. “That's awesome, buddy. I'm so proud of you.”  

Finn preened under Poe's praise. “Thanks,” he whispered, reaching out his hand for Poe.   

Poe squeezed his hand, then dropped it, suddenly conscious again of their audience. “So,” he coughed. “Jess. When do we get to meet this Karé kid?”  

“Hmm. I  _ guess _ we could go bowling together. I'm fairly confident she won't stop seeing me just because of my friends.” Jess elbowed Finn in the side, and he laughed.  

“You mean like that time we all went bowling and you and Snap bailed on us?” Poe smirked at her.  

Jess spread her hands to encompass both Finn and Poe. “And look how that turned out.”  

“She has a point. Remind me to tell you later, ba—Poe.” Finn blushed and sucked his head back into his paperwork. Sadly, it didn't prove much of a distraction. He sighed, scrawled his signature across the line on the last page and closed it back with a sense of finality and triumph.  

“We could go bowling,” Poe said. “That sounds fun.”  _ Bowling would be great. Bowling means I get to watch your ass for hours, while pretending to watch you throwing the ball. Alternatively, I get to watch you throw the ball for hours and strike down all the pins with those magic fingers of yours.  _

_ “Poe.”  _ Snap waved a hand at him. 

“What?” Poe blinked.

Jess snickered. “Oh man, am I looking forward to this. You know he called your name five times just now before you finally listened? I think you should share with the class.” 

“Um.” Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair. 

“I finished!” Finn burst in, in an attempt to save Poe anymore embarrassment. “It’s all done. Um. Yay?”  

“Hell yeah!” Poe high-fived him across the table. “Now you just have to hand it in?”  

“Hey, when Finn leaves our sorry asses behind and starts a restaurant, and we have to  _ pay _ for his cooking, can we at least take the sign down then?” Jess asked as she gave Finn her own high five, and he collected one from Snap as well.

“Yes, I just have to turn it in. And no, you may  _ not _ take down the sign because then my boyfriend  would be open game again,“ Finn replied, “and I’m not the sharing type.” He arched a brow and crossed his arms over his chest.   

Poe’s breath huffed out in a flash of heat.  _ God, that’s hot,  _ he thought, immediately followed by—  _ will we still be together by the time he graduates?  _

_ I want that. I want that so fucking badly.  _

“I, uh,” Poe coughed. He stuffed the last bite of his sandwich in his mouth, stood up in a rush, and reached out a hand to steady his chair before it tipped onto its back. “I’m gonna just. Go. Go—finish the job. Good talk, guys.”   

When Finn made to follow, Jess shook her head. “Let him have some time. I pushed too hard. I’ll go later.” She tossed her yogurt container in the trash and swept a hand over Finn’s shoulder on her way out. 

Finn was still chewing his lip when Snap spoke quietly. “I hope you guys make it work. He deserves a fucking break, you know?”

Finn nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I agree.” He gave Snap a small smile, and went to find his next job.  

Poe stared up at the salt-worn chassis of Rev. Diego’s car for twenty minutes, trying to pull in a full breath. At last he gave up, slid back out, and went to hide in the bathroom.  _ In. Two. Three. Four. Out. Two. Three. Four.  _ Once he managed to get his breathing mostly under control, he unclenched his hands from the edge of the sink and yanked his phone from his pocket. 

**Poe:** Hey. You free to talk tonight?

**Dad:** Of course, mijo! You all right? 

**Dad:** What happened?

**Poe:** I’ll tell you later. I’m ok, I think. I just want to talk.  

Finn’s next job brought him right by Poe in the shop, though Poe wasn’t at his car. He hitched up the hood, grabbing a light and checking fluids. “Let’s figure you out, baby.”  

Poe nearly tripped over Finn’s toolbox on his way back to Rev. Diego’s car. “Oh! Hey. Um. I'm sorry for running out on you. So glad you got the forms filled out.”  

“It’s okay. I mean. You okay?’ Finn wiped the oil off of the stick, satisfied, but muttering to himself.  

“Yeah?” Poe adjusted his collar, trying not to get any grease on his skin. “Yeah, uh. Yeah, I’m fine.”  

“Okay. If you need to talk…” Finn let himself trail off, not wanting to push, _careful, always careful._  

“Yeah. Um. Maybe later? Tomorrow, or something. Oh shit, you’ve got group tomorrow. And then I have group the day after. Um. Friday, maybe.”   

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Finn flushed and his heart sped up.  **_See, doesn’t want—_ ** _ It’s  _ okay _ to spend days apart. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want me. He just needs space tonight.  _ **_Uhuh._ ** Finn swallowed his anxiety down, or tried to, anyway. “I can’t—" he took a deep breath, tried again. “I can’t figure out what’s wrong here. Oil level is good, fluid looks normal, but they say the car is overheating every time they drive more than five miles.”  

“Huh.” Poe bent over the engine next to Finn, hyperaware of Finn’s arm pressing against his. “Well. You tried this?” He shut out as much of the world as he could for a few minutes, concentrating on the car. He knew engines. He understood engines. People? Relationships? What the fuck.  

“You’re brilliant. I mean, probably. I’m going to take her outside, let her run a bit, see if you didn’t fix the problem. And, um, then I’ve got therapy and to drop those papers off, but I can come back and work some. Or put in some time on Saturday.” Finn scrubbed at his hands with an oil towel, then flung it over his shoulder, waiting for Poe to clear the way so he could close the hood.  

“Yeah, of course. Come in when you can. I hope therapy goes well tonight.” Poe rubbed his forehead.  

_You should just tell him what’s bothering you, Finn._ ** _Like you’d do that._** _Poe’s not going to hurt you. You should just say._

Finn wrung the towel through his hands. “It’s just—just that earlier you said that you were going to see me tonight, and then now probably not until Friday, and um. Sorry. I sound like a child. But—but did I do anything wrong?”  He sped through the statement so fast, he wasn’t sure if Poe would even be able to understand it, especially since he was looking at the floor the whole time.  

_ “No.  _ No, buddy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Poe touched Finn’s arm. “You’re ok, I promise. I just—” Poe’s eyes fixed on a rusty spot on the corner of the hood. “I need to talk to my dad. But maybe after, if there’s time? If you want. You could come over, or I could come to your place. But I might need time to. To—to—think? About—life. Um.” He forced his gaze back up to Finn’s. “You’re ok, baby. Really.”  

Poe’s words seemed ominous, but Finn relaxed marginally. “It’s okay. You can want time to yourself. Talk to your dad. Um. Figure stuff out. I just—sorry. Sorry. I promise I’m trying. Trying not to be clingy, or needy. Trying to figure out when I should just—just let things be. I’m learning, I hope.”  

Poe managed a small smile for him. “You are, buddy. You're doing fine. I'm trying too, I think, but—you've always been a faster learner than I am.” He took a deep breath and tried to gather himself. “It's ok to ask,” he said, holding Finn’s gaze. “Always. Didn't mean to make you worry.”  

“I’m, uh, I’m beginning to trust you when you say that. Not you personally. Just—" Finn shook his head. He’d never get the right words out. Instead, he placed a gentle hand on Poe’s arm and brushed his lips over Poe’s cheek, before sliding by him to open the driver’s door.  

“Good,” Poe murmured, twisting his fingers together in a futile attempt to stop them from shaking. “Because I mean it.” He slid back beneath Rev. Diego’s car with a sigh, stared up at the mis-wired connections for ten minutes, then finally managed to get back to work.  


	18. Poe's Declaration part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe asks Finn to come over to talk.
> 
> A bit of a longer chapter.
> 
> Alternate title: Smut and Emotionally Honest Conversations: A Beautifullights and Tuppingliberty Joint

“Yes—yes, I will, ok? I will. I promise. Yes, I love you too. Ok. Bye.” Poe ended the call with his dad and curled up tighter in the corner of his couch.  _ I got this. Ok. I can do this.  _ He heaved a deep sigh, switched his brain from the familiar comfort of Spanish to the everyday trundle of English, and opened his text messages. 

**Poe:** Hey! Sorry I was weird earlier. How’re you doing?  

Finn had been working through some breathing exercises suggested by his therapist when his phone dinged. Seeing Poe's name, he smiled. 

**Finn:** I'm officially a college student. And, uh, mostly not freaking out about it. 

**Finn:** Are you feeling better?  

**Poe:** That is so fucking awesome. I’m so proud of you. I’m smiling so hard I’m surprised my face hasn’t fallen off. 

**Poe:** ”””””””””””” PPP “””””””””””

**Poe:** That’s…confetti and balloons for you? I’m working on it.

**Poe:** What are you going to do to celebrate?  

**Finn:** Be careful, I like that face.

**Finn:** I don't know? Buy school supplies?  

**Poe:** Solid plan. I approve. Maybe I can take up a collection in the shop and we can chip in for an entire box of pencils?

**Poe:** Really, though. You deserve a party or something! If you want one.  

**Finn:** I haven't done anything yet. But I'd take a fancy dinner with my boyfriend.  

**Poe:** Huh. Well, have you asked him about it?  

**Finn:** Hey boyfriend, will you go to a fancy dinner with me?  

**Poe:** Hmm. Let me check with my agent.

**Poe:** My agent says hell to the fucking yeah. I think that means yes?  

Finn snorted. 

**Finn:** I love you. I'll get us a reservation. Friday?  

**Poe:** Yeah. That would be great!

Poe stared at his phone for a moment, then typed another message and sent it before he could talk himself out of it. 

**Poe:** Do you want to come over tonight? Or I could come to you? Or not, that’s ok.  

**Finn:** I'd love to. Your preference, I'm fine either way.  

**Poe:** I mean, I obviously prefer my place, because I’m a lazy asshole. But I try not to be. It’s really up to you.  

**Finn:** hey, don't talk about my boyfriend that way 

**Finn:** I'll be over in twenty.  

**Poe:** Good, that gives me time to cover up the smell of my burnt dinner.  

Finn laughed again before tucking his phone away on his pocket and grabbing his back pack. He packed up meds, his toothbrush, and pajamas, then headed out the door. He was somewhere in between nervous and excited—nervous because of how Poe had been earlier that day ( _ of course  _ Finn had noticed him glossing over his question when they were texting), and excited because, well, it was  _ Poe. _

Finn quickly found himself on Poe's porch, where he knocked rapidly on the door, a huge grin already gracing his face.  

“Hey!” Finn was just so fucking  _ beautiful  _ beneath the front lights, cheeks highlighted in gold like the miracle he was. Poe just blinked at him for a moment, bewildered as always at his incredible luck, then wrapped an arm around him and kissed him deeply.  

Finn relaxed into Poe's arms, sighing, feeling it—what? He wasn't sure—down to his toes. He hummed against Poe's lips. “Hey, baby.”  

“Come on in.” Poe shut the door behind them, then laughed, suddenly noticing Finn’s backpack. “You came prepared.”  

Finn blushed. “Well, considering how we tend to end up not wanting to let each other go, I hedged my bets. But no pressure. Seriously.”  

“Nah, it’s great. Here, you want to set that down somewhere? Can I get you anything? What did you want to do?”   

Finn took a quick breath as he unshouldered his backpack and hung it on the hook by the door. He laid a calming hand on Poe’s arm. “It's okay, Poe. Did you want to talk?”  

“Um.” Poe scuffed a toe along the floorboards, then kicked a stray sneaker back into line by the door. “Maybe? Define ‘want.’”  

Finn slipped an arm around Poe's waist lightly, and guided him toward the couch. “We don't have to. It's okay.”  

“No, I need to, I need to—” Poe toppled down onto the couch, adjusted his knee, and tried to find a comfortable position alongside Finn. “Fuck.” He covered his face. “I fucking hate words.”  

“I'm really hoping those words aren't 'let's take a break,’” Finn replied nervously. “But if they are, that's okay. We'll figure it out.”  

“No,” Poe whispered.  

“Okay.” Finn threaded their fingers together, tracing along Poe's tendons.  

Poe buried his head in Finn’s shoulder and listened to the soft rhythm of his breath for a long time, trying to find the words he needed. “What you said today,” he mumbled at last, voice muffled in Finn’s shirt. “At lunch. About us being together years from now, when you graduate, and when you open up your restaurant.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I just—we’ve talked about that before, joked a little, whatever. But this time, I don’t know, maybe it was the way you said it—” He swallowed hard, throat too tight to speak.  

“I'm sorry. I can—just tell me to shut up, man. I say stupid stuff all the time.” More quietly: “I'm sorry I triggered you.”  

“No! No no no. No. That’s not what I meant. Fuck it, I’m fucking this all up—” Poe burst up from the couch and paced across the living room. “It was good. What you said. I liked it, I—” He rubbed his eyes viciously, trying to stop the tears. “I want it,” he rasped. “I want that so fucking much, Finn, you have no idea, I—I want to still be with you, I want all of it, but I—” He clawed his hands back through his hair. “I’m going to fuck it up. I told you, the last time, my ex—I ruined everything, I couldn’t handle a relationship, everything fell apart, I couldn’t—I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to get hurt. I—” His voice cracked.  

Finn pushed himself up slowly, then crossed to where Poe was pacing. “Poe, I want all that too. Or don't want that? I mean. I want—I want to still be your boyfriend in a few years when I graduate. I want to be with you—"  _ Forever, probably.  _ “And I don't want to hurt you, or be hurt.” He offered Poe his hand. “Did... Did talking with your, um, dad help?”  

“Yeah? Yeah, it did. Kind of. I think. A little.” Poe folded Finn’s hand between his and hung on tightly.  

“It's a reasonable fear. We're...we're broken people.” Finn folded Poe into his arms. “But broken people get nice things, too, right?”  

“Not broken,” Poe corrected automatically. “People don’t break.”  

“Yeah? Well then, things are already looking up.”  

Poe snorted and leaned his head heavily against Finn’s shoulder. “I want this to work,” he said, almost too quietly to hear. “So fucking badly. But I don’t see how it can.”  

Finn’s heart broke, and he wasn't sure what to say to Poe. “I'm sorry that it didn't work before. I get it. I really do. Some part of me is probably always going to be watching my tone, wary of another hit. Worried about making everyone mad because when people get mad, I get hurt. That's the lesson I learned. The lesson you learned was ‘Poe Dameron is lousy at relationships.’ I'm relearning my lesson. You can, too.”  

“Oh.” Poe blinked across the room, eyes still blurred with tears. “Well. You make it sound so simple.” He pulled back just far enough to brush his thumb across Finn’s cheek, then finally managed to meet Finn’s eyes—warm and dark and deep as always. 

_ Can’t be much harder than going in for the final strafing run,  _ his dad had said.  _ You take a deep breath, commit your soul to God, and dive in.  _

“I love you,” Poe said, and closed his eyes.  

Finn's knees buckled and he sat, hard, luckily managing to catch himself on the couch. “Oh. Oh. Oh—"  _ Ohohohohohohoh say something besides oh dammit.  _

Poe collapsed down onto the couch next to him and held out his arms.  

Finn crawled as much as he could into Poe's lap and buried his head in Poe's chest. “Can you…say it again?” he whispered, unsure if Poe could even hear him.  

“Oh, baby.” Poe folded his arms tightly around Finn and rocked them slowly. “I love you,” he whispered. “I do. You’re the kindest, bravest, sweetest—” Tears roughened his voice. “Most loving man I’ve ever met,” he managed at last. “I don’t know how I found you.”  

“You offered me a job,” Finn murmured against his chest. “You listened to a guy at group that wasn't…wasn't dealing with his shit, and you thought ‘how can I help him?’ instead of ‘well he's fucked up.’ You're an amazing, caring man, Poe. Don't sell yourself short.” Finn’s hand fisted into the material of Poe’s shirt. “There's a reason I love you. A lot of them, actually.”  

Poe’s breath hitched in an unsteady laugh. “I meant on a more metaphorical level, but—” He kissed the top of Finn’s head, then kissed him again, and again. “I love you,” he murmured into Finn’s curls. “I love you, I love you, I love you. So fucking much.”  

Finn let out a sort of laughing sob. “Feel free to tell me that as often as you want.” He tipped his face up to look at Poe, then moved his hand from its death grip on his shirt and brushed at the tears on Poe's cheek. “I don't think I'll get tired of hearing it. Ever. Even many, many years from now.” He held Poe's eyes as he made the vow.  

“Yeah?” Poe blinked at Finn. “Maybe—maybe we can take it a year at a time?” He bit his lip.  

“Yeah. That sounds good.” Finn leaned in a little, lips a hair’s breadth from Poe’s. “Can I…?”  

“Of course.” Poe smiled at him.  

Finn closed his eyes and tipped the rest of the way, pressing their lips together as softly, as tenderly as he could. “You're pretty amazing with the words that count, Poe. No matter what you think elsewise.”  

“Oh, fuckity.” Poe leaned his forehead against Finn’s. “Glad it worked. Can I not say any more words for the next week or five? I’m all out. Done. Tapped dry, or clean, or out, or whatever the hell it is.”  

Finn was smiling when he kissed Poe again, and then he had to break, elation bubbling up from his stomach in the form of laughter. He pressed his cheek against Poe’s and let it come, let himself be filled with happiness in a way he couldn’t remember ever being.  “I’m not—not laughing at you, sweetie, I promise,” he managed.  

“It’s ok,” Poe murmured. He slumped against the back of the couch, drained.  _ If I lose you,  _ he thought.  _ If I lose you, I don’t know how I’ll stand it. I will, but—but God, it’ll hurt so badly.  _ “Relearning, huh,” he said. “Hmm.”   __

Finn sobered. “Something Dr. Ramirez said today, and it clicked. I told him what you said, you know, about the voice being me and not him. He said you were very smart, by the way. I agreed, of course. But he said that the—the abuse taught me a lot of behaviors, a lot of protective maneuvers and ways to cope. Which were good, and helpful, and kept me alive. But now that I’m safe, I’d be a lot happier if I try to retrain my brain away from those behaviors and to ones that are mentally healthier.”  

“Huh.” Poe thought this over for a moment. “That sounds like a good idea. I’m glad he’s been helpful for you—I wasn’t sure if it was ok to ask about it. Is there—is there any way I can help?”  

“I think it's a lot of self-reflection. But, um, like we've talked about before, if I'm ever—if I ever annoy you by hovering, or worrying too much about how you feel... I'm working on it, but feel free to tell me.” Quiet now, Finn laid his head on Poe's chest again, his hand absently stroking over Poe's chest.  

Poe toppled them both down onto the couch and tucked his legs up around Finn’s. “It’s ok,” he said. “I’m glad you pushed me to talk. It’s, uh. Definitely not my strong suit. But I’ll try to get better at it. I don’t want to make you worry.”  

“Aww, honey, it's probably inevitable. But it's also not—not a deal breaker. Hey, I asked this afternoon, didn't I? We're working. Just keep repeating that to yourself. We're working.” Finn squeezed his limbs around Poe gently, trying to absorb his warmth. “And you love me,” he whispered, still a little—okay, a lot—in awe of the idea.  

Poe buried his face in Finn’s shoulder. “Scares the shit out of me,” he whispered.  

Finn threaded his fingers through Poe's curls. “Understandable.” He brushed his lips over Poe's temple repeatedly. “Anything I can do to make it less so?”  

_ Promise me we’ll be ok.  _ “Don’t think so,” Poe murmured. “But thank you. Anything I can do to help you?”  

“Keep working with me. We'll get there, I know it. I have to—I have to believe that.”  

_ I don’t believe it. I don’t I don’t I don’t—  _ Poe shook his head. “I’m trying,” he mumbled.   __

“Contrary to what some people believe, trying is fucking worth it. Don't give me any ‘there is no try’ bullshit.” Finn stroked down Poe's back.  

“Well,” Poe snorted. He pressed a kiss to Finn’s collarbone, then laid his cheek on Finn’s chest. “That’s good. I always thought Yoda made some poor life choices.”  

“Uh, yeah,” Finn replied in his most indignant voice, just to get Poe to laugh. 

“Glad you agree.” Poe grinned. He kissed Finn, nibbling on his lower lip. “Hey,” he said, struck by sudden inspiration. “Do you want to watch a movie? I’m not sure I have any more words left in me tonight. And I’d really like to cuddle for another year or two, with you, right here.”  

“A movie would be great. Nothing heavy. Something light and happy.” Finn let go of Poe so he could get up, then snuggled further into the couch.  

“Hmm.” Poe rummaged around beside his TV for the remote, then hopped back up onto the couch beside Finn. “Any ideas?”  

“Something Disney?” Finn draped his arm over Poe's waist.  

“Disney? Really?” Poe laughed and cuddled in closer. “You always surprise me, mister. Disney it is. What’s your favorite?”  

“Mmm.” Finn hummed as he got comfortable. He really fucking loved the feeling of Poe in his arms. “Princess? Mulan. Non-princess, traditional animation? 101 Damatians. Non-princess, 3D? Big Hero 6.”  

“Damn.” Poe handed him the remote. “You really take this seriously, huh? I tell you what, you pick. I’ve only seen a few random ones…Aladdin, Peter Pan, shit like that. I trust your judgement.”  

“Oo, we should watch Tangled. You kind of remind me of Eugene.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's neck.  

“I…don’t know whether that’s a compliment or an insult, but I have a feeling I’ll find out pretty soon.”  

Finn sighed with satisfaction. “Mmmm, yes you will.”  

“That sounds ominous.”  

“Shut up and play the movie. I promise you'll like it.”  

“You’re the one holding the remote, dear.” Poe poked Finn’s ass.  

Finn looked down at the remote in his hand and blushed. “Sneaky.” Finn pressed buttons until he found the movie, and hit play.  

With the reassuring warmth of Finn’s body behind him, and the snug press of Finn’s arm around his waist, it was hard to concentrate on the movie. Poe did his best to follow it anyway, for which he probably deserved a gold medal or something. He laughed out loud at the gecko’s ridiculous gambits, then— “Wait,  _ that’s  _ Eugene? That’s really what you think of me? Bashed on the head with a frying pan and tied up by a teenager? Damn.”  

“Shhhh. You're dashing.” Finn smiled, then hummed along with the next song.  

Poe eyed him suspiciously. “So remind me, how many times have you watched this movie?”  

“Uhhhh. I plead the Fifth.”  

“Mmm-hmm. I see how it is” Poe shifted his ass a bit further back in retaliation…or maybe just for fun, same difference.   

Finn cleared his throat. “I am  _ not _ getting frisky with you during a Disney movie.”  

“You’re the one who picked this movie out, buddy. Did you really think this one through? Or did you deliberately cockblock yourself, because that’s just cruel.”  

“You are the worst.” Finn nipped at Poe's ear, then smoothed a hand over Poe's stomach.  

Poe’s breath huffed out in pleasant surprise. “Ok, I'm going to need a yes or a no here, buddy. Are you or are you not opposed to getting frisky during a Disney movie?”  

Finn squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. “Well my cock is already on board,” he said with a press of his hips into Poe's ass. “But are you sure? Tonight was kind of emotional for you.”  

“Really? Your cock agrees? I never would have guessed.” Poe grinned and shifted just enough to enjoy the heat of Finn’s rising cock against his ass. “But, um.” He sobered. “I don’t think I want to do anything—very serious? But, like, hands. Hands are good. Hands are great. I think. Um. I mean, only if you want to. I—” Poe turned in Finn's arms to face him. “I love you. I feel safe with you. I’m—I’m interested in trying again. If you want to.”  

Finn flicked the TV off with the remote and focused on Poe. “I'm interested. But um. How about some of that foreplay you're always forcing on me,” he said with a wink, then leaned in to brush his lips over Poe's.  

“Forcing?” Poe’s voice skipped up an octave. “Um. I thought you said you—you liked it?”  

“Teasing! Teasing! Sorry. I love it. Seriously.”  

“Ok.” Poe relaxed slightly. “But if I ever do something you don’t want me to do, you tell me, ok?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Finn fit his head into Poe's neck. “Sorry, seriously.”  

“It’s ok. Glad you’d speak up.” Poe closed his eyes and stroked the back of Finn’s head. “God, you’re so comfortable to cuddle with. Meant it about that year or two, right here, just us.”  

“No complaints here.” Finn hummed again at the feel of Poe's fingers on his hair. 

“Yeah?” Poe’s hand slipped further down to Finn’s shoulders and massaged a little. “Do you want to, um. Move to the bed?”  

“Sure, baby.” Finn disentangled himself from Poe again.  

“Oh, shit. That doesn’t mean getting up, does it?”  

Finn snorted and leaned forward to place a kiss on Poe's forehead. “I adore you.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned up at Finn, still amazed at his luck. “Well. That’s good, because I—I love you.”   

Finn swept his hand over Poe's cheek. He wasn't sure if his mind fully comprehended Poe's declaration. It seemed surreal, still. That he was  _ worthy.  _ “I could carry you, if you want. If you're okay with that.”  

“That—hmm.” Poe ducked his head, grinning like an idiot. “I would like that, I think. I would really like that. Jesus. You’re sure you’re—I mean, with your back, and all? Would that be ok?”  

“The better I keep the muscles around the injury in tune, the better the injury itself feels.” Finn blushed and ducked his head. “God, I sound like my physical therapist. But seriously, um. I have a routine.”  

“Well.” Poe waggled his eyebrows. “In that case, I would love to be a part of your physical therapy routine.”  

“Put your arms around my neck.” Finn scooted to the edge of the couch and got good grounding for his feet, then lifted Poe into his lap. “And if we feel like we're going down, feel free to use me as a landing pad.” He pulled Poe up closer and nuzzled into his neck. “Ready?”  

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn’s neck and snuggled in close. “Ready.”  

Shifting the weight to his legs, Finn lifted Poe up. “Hey, look at that.” Finn brushed his lips over Poe’s, then grinned as he started walking toward the bedroom. “This doing anything for you?” he asked with a wink.  

“You know damn well what it’s doing to me, you fucker,” Poe grumbled. He shifted just a bit, trying to ease the tightness in his jeans without dislodging himself from Finn’s arms. “Holy fuck. I knew you were strong, but this is—oh god.”  

“Well, don't ask me to go a long distance, but—" Finn set Poe down on the bed gently, then eased in beside him, face to face, wrapping an arm around Poe's waist. “But this is doable.” He got in close to whisper in Poe's ear. “And I loved doing it.”  

“Sign me up anytime.” Poe kissed his cheek. “I mean, ask first—like you did, that was perfect, thank you.  I’m glad you liked it, because I’m pretty sure I don’t want to walk anywhere in this house ever again.”  

Film chuckled against Poe's cheek. Tipping his head slightly, he pulled Poe into another kiss, and another.  

Time settled around them as they kissed, quiet and intense, safe on Poe’s rumpled quilt. Poe ended up on his back beneath Finn, legs wrapped around Finn’s waist, cock straining against his fly.  _ I waited so long for this,  _ he thought, throat tight.  _ I wanted this so badly. Wanted  _ you  _ so badly. I can’t believe I found you.   _

Finn's hand squeezed into Poe's ass, then slid along his leg, wrapping him tighter around his waist. He wanted to be completely surrounded, completely consumed, completely submerged in Poe.  

Poe tipped Finn’s face up and pressed a kiss beneath the curve of his jaw, then kissed his leisurely way down Finn’s neck, searching for the pulse point that had made Finn make that beautiful little groaning noise last time. Poe liked that noise. He liked it a  _ lot.  _

“Mmph,  _ god. _ ” Finn gasped in a breath, pants unbelievably tight.  _ Can you come just from making out?   _

Poe broke off at last and cupped Finn’s face between his hands. “I want to fuck you,” he said, breathless. “If you want that. Maybe not now. And I want you to—to fuck me, too. If you want that.  Also maybe not now. But—but—sometime. Maybe.”    

“ _ Fuck.”  _ Finn squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to come in his pants like a teenager. When he'd taken a breath and reined himself in, he opened his eyes and looked into Poe's, seeing the black of Poe's blown pupils, knowing his must look the same. “Yes. Both. All of it. Not right now is okay. I don't think I could last through either. I'm so fucking… I'm close, baby. You drive me crazy, in the best way possible.”  

“I do? Really?” Poe grinned up at Finn, delighted. “Well. Hmm. That’s good to know. Same back at you, in case it wasn’t obvious.” He rocked his hips up against Finn’s very gently, just the hint of a tease. “What do you want to do now, then?”   

“Hands, you said earlier? Together?” Finn dropped his hand between them, fingering the button of Poe's fly.  

“Hnnnngh.” Poe tipped his head back against the pillows and closed his eyes, “Yeah,” he croaked at last. “Yeah. Oh god.”  

Finn worked on Poe's fly, and then his own. “Lube?”  

“Uh?” Poe lifted his hips to help Finn take his pants off, yanked Finn’s off as well, and tossed them both into a corner of the room. “There’s lo-lotion? On the table.” He jerked his chin toward it, reluctant to let go of Finn’s ass.  

“Mmm. We definitely need to get some supplies. For both our places.” Finn leaned over, grabbed the lotion, and warned some in his hand. “Here,” Finn murmured, taking Poe's hand in his and getting it slick. He guided their hands down to where their cocks were both straining. “Green?”  

“So fucking green,” Poe said faintly. “Shirt, take your shirt—” He reached up with his clean hand and tugged at the hem of Finn’s shirt. “Off? Wait, are you g-green too?”  

“Yeah. Green,” Finn gasped as Poe's hand grazed over his stomach. He helped Poe pull his shirt off. “Yours? On or off?”  

“Off. Definitely off.” Poe yanked at his own shirt, then tossed it aside with the rest of their clothes and settled back down beneath Finn. “Fuck, you’re warm,” he said, dazed. He ran his fingers down Finn’s back, feeling the thin sheen of sweat on his skin where it gathered in little droplets around his scar. “Never wearing blankets again. Just you.”  

“Good plan.” Finn shuddered as their skin touched, flamed. He led their hands down again, and slicked them over their cocks, side by side. “Oh, ohhh.”  

Poe buried his face in Finn’s neck, overwhelmed. “Over, over—” He battered his fists against Finn’s chest, choking on air, trying to roll him over to his side. “Move—”  

Finn rolled, let Poe lean over him. “Okay?” His hand hesitated on their cocks.  

Poe took a moment to catch his breath and re-ground himself in his body. “Hi,” he said at last, and blinked down at Finn. “Um.” He leaned his forehead on Finn’s chest, flushing with shame.  

Finn swept his hands over Poe's back, pulling him gently down for a hug. “You're okay, honey. You're okay.” 

Poe squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, and shook his head. “You’re so fucking good to me. How are you so fucking  _ good?”  _

“I don't know,” Finn said through clenched teeth. “Am I?”  

“What?” Poe blinked up at him, startled.  

“I don't feel very good for you right now.” Finn rested his head back on the pillow. “I'm trying, though. I promise.”  

“You’re  _ fine,  _ buddy.” Poe traced the furrows on Finn’s forehead. “I’m sorry I freaked. You did nothing wrong, I promise. You moved, you moved right away, that’s all I needed.”  

“Okay. Okay.” Finn took a deep breath to reassure himself. “So…”  

_ “Yellow!”  _ Poe thunked his head onto Finn’s chest. “Yellow. Fuck. I’m sorry. That’s what I was supposed to say. Yellow.” He looked up again and smoothed a hand over Finn’s hair. “I”m sorry, sweetheart. You're ok. I’m going to have a long angry talk with my jerkbrain later, but that’s not about you.”  

“It's okay. I. Didn't really realize how much I depended on that.”  

“I’m sorry.” Poe’s eyes stung. “I was—panicking, I guess, I didn’t—I didn’t even remember it, until now.”  

Finn smoothed over Poe's back again. “It's okay, baby. We're working it out.” He brought one of his hands over Poe's heart. “We work.”  

“You sure?” Poe laid his head on Finn’s shoulder. “Fuck, I love you.”  

“I'm sure.” Finn laid his chin in Poe's curls.  _ I'm also sure I'd like to kill every last person who locked you up.  _

_ Someday,  _ Poe thought.  _ When we’re old and grey. We’ll have hot and fast wall sex and I won’t freak out at all. But for now…  _ He breathed in the smell of Finn’s skin and let the heat of Finn’s body sink into his bones.  

“I love you.” Finn massaged over the tight cords of Poe's back.  

“Love you too,” Poe murmured. Would he ever get tired of saying that? Nope, probably never.  

The declaration set Finn's heart thumping all over again. “Would you like to try again? Or we could finish the movie. Or we could just lay here, fall asleep.”  

“Mmm? Oh.” Poe settled more comfortably against Finn’s chest. “Those all sound good. Hmm.” He hesitated. “Do you want to talk? Tell me what happened at the college, or something?”  

“Sure, I can do that. It was pretty straightforward, which again, pisses me off. If I'd known, if I'd believed that I could—" Finn cut himself off. “Doesn't do to play the what if game. I dropped off the paperwork with the same women I'd met with before. She hooked me up with an advisor, who talked me through setting up my account, and showed me the ropes of the online class. I even got a student ID. All official and everything.”  

“Well, aren’t you special.” Poe grinned. “Enjoy those discounts, man.” He ran his fingers through Finn’s hair. “You said you're going to take an online starter class? What is that?”  

“I guess it's where they teach you how to study, and what to expect in a college class. College Survival, they call it. It's required,” Finn said, wrinkling in his nose.  

“Hmm.” Poe thought that over for a moment. “Well, it can’t be harder than basic training. I mean, they probably just want you to read and write stuff. Remember how to write an essay, and all that.”  

“Yeah. It's a little embarrassing to be so much older than everyone.”  

“Pfffft. Snap’s grandmother finally finished her degree a few years ago, at the ripe old age of 73. You’re definitely not going to be the oldest one there.”  

“Did you know  _ high school students _ take college classes now? I can't even fathom.” Finn thought of what he'd been doing in high school. “Let them be kids, you know?”  

“I don’t know, man, if it helps them get ahead…I mean, I kinda wish I’d gone to college instead of the Force.”   

“Yeah? What would you have done, do you think?” Finn held Poe a little tighter, trying to build a safe space. He so rarely shared about his past.  

“Huh. I don’t know? I don’t really stop to think about it very much. Um. I like running the shop. I like working on cars. I like the team, all of you guys. And I loved—I love flying. More than anything else in the fucking world. So there was no way you could have persuaded eighteen-year-old me to keep my butt in a chair, and not try to be a pilot. I guess I—I like working with my hands. I don’t know. I’m glad you have a dream.” He picked his head up and looked down at Finn. “I’m glad you’re pursuing it. I’m so excited to see what happens next.”  

Finn rubbed Poe’s back in silent appreciation. “I’m...I’m not sure if excited is the right word. Nervous. So, so nervous. A lot of ‘what ifs’ going on in my head that I’m trying to beat back. And he’s there, of course, always. Even if he’s not saying anything. Sometimes I feel like he’s —I’m —just waiting for the chance. Just waiting for me to fail.”  

“Hmm.” Finn’s hands were  _ magic,  _ like always, loosening Poe’s back into a relaxed puddle. “But you wouldn’t fail all at once, right? I mean, there are like, all of those assignments, and stuff. So you would know if you weren’t doing well. Right?”  

“Fair. Or, at least, I hope.”

“What would you do at that point, if that happened?”  

“If I completely fail?” Finn gulped. “I don’t know. Find a job, I guess. One I won’t fail at. I’ve got good hands.” He involuntarily squeezed Poe and whispered, “But I hope it doesn’t come to that.”  

“No! I didn't mean that, sweetheart. I mean, what if you start to fail, for some reason.”  

“Oh. Um. The lady took me by their tutorial center. So there’s help, I just have to—to ask for it. But given how often I call you in the middle of the night, I guess I’m pretty good at that, huh?” Poe’s heart beat was strong and steady against his chest. He liked this. He could stay like this forever. Just he and Poe against the world.  

“You are.” Poe smiled at him. “That’s exactly what I mean, buddy. You’re good at asking for help. If you started to fail, you’d study harder, work harder, figure out what you need to do and then do it. Go to the tutoring center, call me in the middle of the night, bring your homework into the shop and do it during your lunch break. Hell, we could play strip flashcards, if that’s what it takes. That’s what you’ve been doing to get better at working at the shop. I’ve seen it. I know you’ll do the same here.”  

“Poe,” Finn said, then faltered, throat not working. He pulled Poe up a little so they could rest cheek to cheek instead. “What was it you said? You're so good to me.”

Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand and kissed him, slow and sweet. “You’ve got this,” he said softly. “You really do. And you’ve got a whole team cheering you on. Remember that, ok? I can go back to your fridge with a sharpie this time if it helps.”  

“I was serious about the tattoo,” Finn murmured. “I know it seems silly, but it would be—you'd always be with me, to make me strong.”  

_ But then when we have to break up—fuck, Dameron, take your own fucking advice for once.  _ “Of course,” he coughed. “If you want. Or a lapel pin, I could see that. I could embroider it inside your boxers—and then I’d  _ really  _ always be with you.” He smirked.  

“Mmm. And then I'd never get anything done, thinking about you in my boxers all day.” Finn ran a hand slowly down Poe's spine, then rested it on the curve of Poe's ass. 

“Worse problems to have,” Poe laughed. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d enjoy being in your boxers all day.”  

“We should do that sometime.” Finn captured Poe's mouth in a kiss. “Laze around all day. Nothing but boxers. Movies or binge watching some tv show. Cuddling in the couch. Me feeding you.”  

“Mmm, now  _ that’s  _ a good idea.” Poe got lost in Finn’s kiss for…well, for a long time, and probably not nearly long enough.   

“I mean, that's my typical Sunday, so it's not too much of a stretch. Just missing something. Something Poe Dameron shaped.”  

“Hmm. That is a problem. I’ll have to come fix that.” Poe shifted against Finn, then caught his breath as his cock slid against Finn’s.  

Finn flushed, embarrassed that he was still painfully hard. “Sorry, my dick doesn't like to listen to directions. It's not great at getting a feel for the room.”  

“It’s ok.” Poe braced an elbow on the bed, wrapped a hand around the back of Finn’s neck, and kissed him again. He’d gone soft in the sudden rush of panic, he realized with a belated lurch of shame, but his own dick was beginning to take an interest in the proceedings again. Finn just felt so fucking  _ good  _ beneath him, strong and gentle in equal measure _.  _ How was it possible for anyone to feel so good?  

“Yeah?” Finn shifted on the bed, making his cock rub against Poe's, and he groaned. “I have a confession.”  

“Uh-oh.”  

“This morning was not the first time I got off, thinking of you.” Finn ghosted his hand over his cock, then swept over Poe's hip instead. “You have been haunting me for awhile now, Mr. Dameron.” He leaned up for another kiss, a little more desperate this time.  

“Yeah?” Poe’s voice cracked. “God.” He closed his eyes. “Now  _ that’s  _ an image. Fuck. I didn’t, ever, I—I didn’t think I could walk in and be your boss, after—and I didn’t even know you were bi, I wasn’t going to make any a-advances. Oh, fuck. You’re serious?”  

“Oh yeah.” Finn's hand squeezed gently into Poe's ass again. “I was trying really hard not to. Or to hide it. But fuck, you know that time I went home for lunch? I was  _ not _ eating lunch.” He tipped their lips together again. “That was the morning you, uh, showed me how to work on the carburetor. And it was hot that day, for October, and you were wearing a tank top, and you were all greasy. My poor dick.”  

_ “Your  _ poor dick—fuck, I don’t even—oh, shit.” Poe stared at him. “Seriously? That long? And you never said—you never said a  _ word,  _ I had no idea. And ok, I’m pretty dense, especially about these things, but still. Are you telling me that after all those nice moments, you—” He shook his head. “We’re going to have to redo that entire fall.”  

“Or just make up for lost time,” Finn replied with a suggestive raise of his eyebrow.  

“Yeah, maybe that would be better. I’m not sure I really want to hear the rest.”  

“Sorry.” Finn looked away. 

“Um.”  _ Shit shit shit shit shit—  _ “I didn’t mean—I just—why  _ me?  _ I’m not—not a sex god, fuck, I don’t know, maybe the boots help?”   

“Oh,  _ honey. _ ” Finn cupped Poe's face. “You don't have to be a sex god to be appealing. You're… rugged. And you've got the most amazing smile, and laugh. And you get these crinkles, right here.” Finn caressed the area by Poe's eyes. “They kill me, every time. And—and I've always had an overactive sex drive. So I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable.”  

“Not un—” Poe stopped. “Ok, a little uncomfortable, I guess. But mostly just—surprised. I—I don’t think of myself as—” He shook his head with a small laugh. “Fuck, if you think  _ I  _ have a great smile, you’ve clearly never looked in the mirror.”    

“I don't like mirrors,” Finn said before he could stop himself, then blushed and looked away.  

“Wh-what? Why the hell not?”  

Finn wrapped an arm around himself, suddenly cold. “I'm the ‘spitting image’ of my dad, as one of my old neighbors used to say.”   

“Fucking hell.” Poe stared down at him. “I—god, Finn. I’m so fucking sorry.”  

Finn shrugged. “Most of the time, it's fine. I just—mirrors. You know how you said you just get through showers? Grit your teeth and bear it? That's me and shaving. That's a good tell on my mental state actually—if I've forgone shaving, something's probably wrong. And he kept his hair longer. I mean, I know the fade looks good on me, but it's also just— _ not _ what he had.” He buried his head in Poe's neck.  

_ “Shit.” _ Poe stroked Finn’s head. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”  

_ “I'm _ sorry. I don't mean to bring him up. But. Also, I know it's okay to tell you this kind of thing.”  

“Of course. I just—fuck, if I could just take him out of your life, like that—that bird in Dominick’s grille. I wish I could.”    

Finn smiled a little at that. “Well, he’s also the one topic guaranteed to make me soft, so there's that, I guess.”  

“Oh, honey—that wasn’t your goal, was it?”  

Finn shrugged. “I mean. I'm always down for some action with you. Or, almost always I guess I should say. But I thought—I thought you were done for the night.”  

“I—I was—” Poe ducked his head. “I was maybe—” _He wants you, dumbass. He_ wants you. _He really does. Look him in the eye._ Poe swallowed hard, then met Finn’s eyes again. “I am interested,” he said, mouth dry. “I just needed to—to take a break. But I—I am? I am interested. If you are.”  

“I mean, it might take a little work to get my dick interested, but my mind is. Does that make sense?”  

“Hmm.” Poe ran his tongue along his bottom lip, then smirked. “Maybe I can help with that?”  

Finn followed the path of Poe's tongue with his eyes. “Yeah?”  

“Uh-oh. Did I fry your brain again?”  

“Yeah?” But Finn flashed him a grin. “Your lips, too. They just… yeah.”  

“Mmm?” Poe slid down to press a kiss to Finn’s nipple, then suckle on it. “Tell me more.”  

“You sure? It made you uncomfortable before.”  

Poe propped his chin on his hand. “Not uncomfortable,” he repeated. “Mostly just—surprised. I was trying so hard not to think about you and you were—" He waved a hand. “It's—it's flattering. I think. It's not how I see myself.”  

“Well, then, want to trade compliments for kisses?” Finn grinned down at him, stroking over his cheek.  

Poe kissed the inside of Finn’s wrist and grinned right back. “Now  _ that  _ sounds like a deal.”  

“Your grin makes me happy. Like, deep inside. Something inside clicks and soothes.”  

“Yeah?” Poe moved on to Finn's other nipple and sucked until it was hard. “Same right back at you, you know.”  

Finn settled a hand in Poe's hair gently. “Your curls are ridiculously adorable. Especially when you wake up. ‘Course, maybe I'm biased in those moments. You’ve just woken up in my arms, after all.”  

Poe squinted at him. “Have I ever actually woken up in your arms?”  

“Close enough. Where's my kiss?”  

“Right, right, sorry. Got distracted.” Poe kissed his way across Finn’s ribs again, then stopped. “My hair looks  _ terrible  _ in the morning!”  

“No, it's like…a halo. Hey, I don't have to justify what turns me on.” Finn stuck his tongue out at Poe. 

“Halo? Clearly you haven't seen yourself in the light. Your hair does this incredible glowy thing.” Poe brushed his hand over Finn’s hair to demonstrate. “Turns  _ me  _ the fuck on. Every time.”  

“Well I  _ always  _ wished I had hair like yours. Soft. But I'll move on. Your eyelashes. Also soft, and dark, and the perfect frame for your eyes.” Finn arched a brow at him and nodded down at his chest. Below, his cock was beginning to take interest in proceedings again.  

“Your hair is fucking perfect. Don’t let racist fuckers—” Poe frowned at him. “Fuck them. Do you know how many impure thoughts I had in December, when you first got that fade?” He twirled a finger around one of the tufts, then ran it down the shaved stripe above Finn’s ear. “Many, very many. Still do. Frequently. Now, for example.” Belatedly remembering his mission, he resumed kissing down towards Finn’s abs.  

Finn’s stomach muscles contracted involuntarily. “Yeah? I mean. Thanks. You've got amazing shoulders.” Finn smoothed his hands over them in demonstration. “I both love and hate when you wear tanks at work. Really hurts my attempts to follow the no boning rule.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “It’s an awful rule, isn’t it? Not!” He pointed a finger at Finn. “That I’m thinking about rescinding it anytime soon. Just that if you think  _ I  _ look good in a tank top, you should see yourself. Damn.” He kissed further down Finn’s stomach, to either side of Finn’s rapidly hardening cock. “Fortunately, boning is allowed in other places. My house, for instance. Yours too.”  

“Mmm, thank god.” Finn shifted restlessly, his blood fully heated again. “Where was I? Um, your chest. Is warm, and I like to listen to your heartbeat. Is that weird? I hope not. When you hold me, I feel…safer than I ever remember being.”  

“Really?” Poe beamed up at him. “Well. Right back at you again.” He pressed a kiss to Finn’s thigh. “Your arms, too. Are heavenly.”  

“You're smart, and sweet, without taking bullshit. You're respected, by us, by your customers. I'm proud to call you my boyfriend.”  

Poe just stared at Finn for a moment, mouth parted. “Just for the record, I am never playing Top That with you, ever. You would win. Hands down. Every time. Um,” he coughed. “Thank you? Thank you. Wow. And same, again, right back at you.”  

“You deserve it. I hope you can believe it.” Finn could only reach the top of Poe's head, but he smoothed the curls there anyway. 

“Mmm?” Poe blinked. “What?” He twisted his head up to kissed Finn’s fingertips.  

“Would you—you don't have to. It's just. Would you…fuck me? With your fingers. I want to feel you inside.” Finn’s hips shifted, as if he was already fucking down.  

“Shit.” Poe’s hands cupped Finn’s ass of their own accord.  

Finn waited a couple beats. Sometimes Poe needed to come around to an idea. Instead, he swept a hand over his stomach, then up to the nipple Poe had brought to peak.  

“I want to,” Poe whispered. “I really fucking want to. Just so we’re clear. I just—this has been really good right now, and I don’t know if—” He shook his head. “Shit, I don’t even have lube. I’m sorry.”  

Finn shook his head. “I forgot. You're right. You go to my head,” he said with a small smile. 

Poe bit his lip. “First thing next morning, I'm buying some. Promise.”  

“Sounds good. Um. Until then…” Finn's hips shifted again. “What would you like to do?”  

“Um.” Poe’s brow creased. “I’m, uh. Maybe a little…out of touch? With the lingo, and all. Do people still do—frottage? Frot? Whatever the hell you call it?”    

“I've heard tell. That would be fantastic. Your body against mine. All I could ever want. Not—that I'm letting you off the hook to fuck me when you're able because, fuck, I really want that.” Finn smiled down at Poe and held out his hand.  

Words. What are words? Words are, words. Very words. Much word. “Uh,” Poe said, and let Finn pull him up the bed. He braced his elbows on the bed, grabbed Finn’s hair, and kissed him with everything he had.  

Finn moaned into Poe’s kiss, wrapping an arm around his back to pull him even closer.  

_ Fuck.  _ When Poe shifted against Finn, their cocks slid together, sparking every nerve along Poe’s spine.  _ “Jesus,” _ he choked, and rocked his hips again.  

_ “Yes, _ ” Finn groaned, chasing Poe’s motion with his own. “You feel so good, baby.” He took Poe’s mouth again.  

“Oh god.” Poe gripped Finn’s arm. Their cocks slid between their bodies, slick with precum.  

Finn’s hand moved down Poe’s back, until it settled on Poe’s ass. “Christ, how could I forget your ass earlier. It’s so—fuck, I can’t—remind me later. Odes. Odes to your ass.”  

“Mmmph?” Poe arched his back and pressed his ass against Finn’s hand, desperately aroused. “Mmm.” He couldn’t stop the undignified noises coming out of him. His cock caught against Finn’s at the perfect angle; he dropped his forehead to Finn’s and groaned.  

Finn squeezed into Poe’s ass, arching up. “Close,” he moaned.  _ Close? Try— _ “Oh—" He shuddered, spilling over his belly, over Poe’s still rubbing cock. “Oh—oh  _ Poe. _ ” He wrapped his arms around Poe and held on tight through his orgasm, but even that didn’t keep his mind from flying completely away.  

“Oh,  _ baby.”  _ Poe watched Finn’s mouth fall open in orgasm, eyes screwed shut in ecstasy. He stroked Finn’s cheek and ground his hips harder against Finn’s, cock rubbing over the hard lines of Finn’s abs.  

Still flying, Finn opened his eyes desperately and found Poe’s. “Come with me,” he moaned, not sure of where he meant. Paradise?  

“Mmm?” Poe’s hand tightened on Finn’s arm.  

Finn shook his head, then pulled Poe in for another kiss.  

Somewhere between Finn’s lips and hands and chest and thighs and  _ kiss, fuck that was a kiss to end all kisses,  _ Poe came with a shuddering moan, lost in the world, safe in Finn’s grasp. “Oh.” His breath caught. “Oh god.”  

Finn cradled Poe in his arms as his orgasm swept through him, listened to his thundering heart. “I’ve got you,” he murmured against the slick skin of Poe’s neck. “I’ve got you.”  

“Love you,” Poe whispered, breathless. He laid his cheek against Finn’s. “Oh god.”  _ I feel so safe with you. Safe, and loved, and—and fuck, I’m just never going to move again, this is perfect, right here.  _

“Love you, too.” Finn settled their heads together more comfortably, so he could hear Poe’s heartbeat start to steady and slow.  

Poe stroked Finn’s side with an unsteady hand, then closed his eyes. He could feel the gentle rise and fall of Finn’s chest beneath his own, the cooling mess of cum between their stomachs, the sheen of sweat on their skin. He could just sleep right here, couldn’t he? This was…this was…   

“Baby, I volunteer to get us cleaned up, but I'm going to have to move you a little, is that okay?”  

“Hmm?” Poe blinked. “I’m awake. What?”  

“Just gonna move you a little, go back to sleep, honey.” Finn shifted Poe as gently as he could, slipping out from under him and making his way to the bathroom. He found a washcloth and wetted it with warm water, then cleaned himself off. He rinsed it, and headed back for the bedroom.  

Poe looked around, disconcerted to find himself alone on the bed with only a vague memory of having been moved. “What? Oh. Hey.”  

Gently, Finn knelt by Poe and cleaned him off, pressing kisses to his shoulder, his side, his cheek as he did. “Hey.”  

“Oh.  _ Thank _ you, baby. You didn’t have to do that.” Poe caught Finn’s hand and kissed it. “Fuck, I think you melted me. That. That was.” He stared at Finn, brain still struggling to come back online. “It was, wasn’t it?”  

“It  _ so _ was.” Finn tossed the cloth in the vicinity of the hamper and snuggled into Poe’s side again, wrapping his arms around Poe as best he could.  

“Yeah?” Poe kissed him and tugged him closer against his side. “You’re so good to me. Oh, fuck, sweetheart. So good.” He nuzzled into Finn’s neck. “So beautiful when you come, too,” he murmured. “Fuck. The noises you make.”  

Finn laughed a little, under his breath. “I’m glad you like it. That would, uh, be awkward…” He pressed kisses into Poe’s curls.  

“Mmm.” Poe snuggled into Finn’s arms. “You—oh, goddammit, pills, no, no, no—” He dragged himself reluctantly away from Finn, scooted off the end of the bed, stumbled into the bathroom, swallowed the pills in quick succession, brushed his teeth faster than the speed of sound, and tripped back into the bedroom. “Um. Are you—you want to sleep here tonight?”   

Finn lounged on the bed, watching Poe. “If—if you don’t mind. Yeah.”  

“Yeah, of course. I’d love that. I hope you get some sleep, for once.” Poe smiled at him fondly. His eyes followed the lines of Finn’s body—knee cocked against his side, cock shadowed by a neat bush, chest rising up to the dip of his collarbone. “Can I, um,” he coughed. “Do you mind if I—take the edge of the bed again?” He bit his lip.   

“Of course not.” Finn reached over to where  _ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance  _ still sat on the nightstand, then scooted to the far side. “Although, if we make a regular habit of this, maybe we could think about—" Finn paused, biting his lip. It seemed too much.  

“Uh-oh.” Poe slid in beside him and pulled the blankets up to his chin.  

Finn scooted closer, resting his head on Poe’s shoulder, his hand coming to rest naturally on Poe’s stomach.  

“What, baby?”  

“I was going to say, maybe we could rearrange things in here so I could get out if I needed to without disturbing you, but that’s too much to ask. This works for you, so I can make it work,” Finn replied determinedly.  

“Of course we could try that!” Poe looked around the room. “I mean, there’s not a lot of extra space, but if I moved the bureau over there, and shifted—yeah. Yeah, we could definitely make it work.”  

“Yeah?” Finn winced at the way his voice sounded. Like a little kid being told he’s going to Disneyland, or something. He coughed. “Thanks. For, um. Taking it into consideration.”  

“Consideration, my ass.” Poe poked Finn’s stomach. “You deserve a good space here, if we’re going to make this a habit.” He bit his lip.  _ Relearning. Relearning, Dameron, you can do this.  _ “And, um,” he coughed. “I could clean out a drawer, too. If you wanted.”  

“If you felt comfortable with that…I’d love a drawer.” Finn captured Poe’s poking finger and clasped his hand. “Thanks.” He buried his head against Poe’s chest, using his heartbeat to calm himself. “I know that thanks is coming from a complicated place inside me, but I mean it, anyway.”  

“Pffft. Everyone’s complicated.” Poe stroked Finn’s hair. “You're welcome. I'm glad you asked about the bed.”  

Finn pressed a kiss over Poe’s heart, and his eyes drooped. “I actually might—" he yawned. “Might fall asleep normally tonight. Maybe my doctor should have prescribed orgasms.”  

“Anytime, sweetheart.” Poe smirked at him. “I can write out the scrip, if you like. Think it just might be good for me too.”  

Finn listened to Poe’s steady heartbeat, his quiet breaths. He wasn’t even halfway through his breathing routine when he fell asleep like that, on Poe’s chest.  

Poe watched Finn sleep—smooth brow, soft breath, faint smile—and slowly relaxed into the peaceful quiet of the room.  _ Nothing better than this,  _ he thought, snuggling deeper into the pillows.  _ Nothing at all.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Pops more champagne for our boys*


	19. The Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new day doesn't go so well for Finn and Poe
> 
> Look, guys, this chapter is pretty heavy. We want you to know that Finn and Poe are going to be okay. But in this chapter, things are very not okay. 
> 
> Content warning: Physical violence, PTSD flashback, choking, attack

There was a weight on Poe’s chest. An iron bar across his torso.  Another person in the room, holding him down—

Poe fought his way out of the hold and slammed the attacker down on the bed, wrists pinned above his head, one hand on his throat.  

_ Fuckfuckfuckshitshit.  _ Finn's mind came online fast, fast enough to tell that Poe wasn't in his right mind, but not fast enough to avoid Poe's defense against his attackers. The hand on his throat was like a vise, and already it felt like his vision was going grey. He bucked, then twisted and rolled away, dislodging Poe's hands and running himself up against the wall. He scrabbled at it for purchase.  

Poe shoved the attacker against the wall, then slapped his sides to find Finn’s hands and pin them behind his—

Finn?

_ Oh holy fucking shit. What is going on.  _

Poe let go in a rush and looked around the room. His room. Morning. That was Finn. He’d slept with Finn. And then assaulted him.  _ Holy fucking shit. No. No no no oh no.  _

Poe scrambled off the bed, tripped, yanked his foot out of the tangled sheets, stumbled into the bathroom, shut the door, and locked it behind him.  

Finn huddled against the wall, listening to the sound of Poe retreat. In a minute, he'd...he'd go after Poe, reassure him.  _ In a minute,  _ he thought, as the sobs started to wrack his body.  

Poe huddled in the corner of the bathroom and buried his face in his knees, viciously nauseous.  _ What happened. What the fuck just happened?  _

_ This is it,  _ he realized, trying and failing to pull in a full breath.  _ This is where it ends. My fault. My fucking goddamn horseshit fault. I hurt him. Holy fucking goddamn shit.  _ He had to go out there. He had to make sure Finn was ok. He had to. He couldn’t. He  _ had  _ to.

Poe stumbled upright, winced at the sharp pain in his knee, unlocked the door, and limped back out into the bedroom, heart pounding. “F-f-finn?”  

Finn’s breathing was very nearly under control when he heard Poe's tentative voice. He rolled back around, saw Poe hesitating at the doorway, and sat up, back against the wall. “Hey, are you okay? Did you hurt anything? Do you want me to call in sick for you today? I can finish the Gerraros' car.” Finn knew he was babbling but he didn't help it.  

“Am—am— _ I  _ hurt? F-finn. I—” Poe rubbed furiously at his eyes until he could see again. “I’m s-s-s-orry. I’m so fucking s-s-s-s-sorry. I—” He couldn't stop shaking. “Are—are— _ you  _ hurt? Did I—”  

Finn crawled off the bed and pulled Poe gently into his arms. “It's okay. You're safe.”  

“What? Why aren’t you—” Poe stepped back and tried to look for bruises through his tear-blurred eyes. “Why aren’t you angry? I—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t—” He shook his head. Excuses didn’t matter. “I’m  _ sorry.” _

Finn squeezed his fingers into Poe's arms. “I  _ know _ you didn't mean to, Poe. You're not my father. You will  _ never _ be him. You wouldn't hurt a fly—well, actually, you're pretty great with the fly swatter.” He didn't attempt a smile. Poe was too on edge still.  

Poe blinked at him, bewildered. “Why aren’t you mad? I hurt you. I’m  _ sorry,  _ Finn, I—” He touched Finn’s neck tenderly, hoping against hope that he hadn’t hurt Finn too badly. “I’m so fucking sorry.”  

Film winced a little at the touch, and yeah, he'd probably need to put some ice on that soon. His voice was a little rough when it came out.  “I know you are. I also know what it's like to be hurt by someone on purpose. I know how to tell the difference.”  

Poe’s face crumpled. “Y-you deserve a safe place,” he rasped. “Someone who w-w-won’t hurt you at—at all.” He raised his hands to Finn’s shoulders, then stopped, not sure if Finn would want his touch anymore.  

“I could really use a hug,” Finn murmured, nodding at Poe's hands.  

Poe folded Finn into his arms as carefully as he could. “If this isn’t working,” he rasped. “If I c-can’t m-make a safe place for you. If you have to—to leave. I—I under—” His throat was too tight to speak.   

“You giving up on us already?” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's cheek. “Sorry. I know what you're worried about. I shouldn't take your worries lightly. We need to rearrange the room. If I hadn't been against the wall, I could have gotten away. Let you come out of it, like we said last time. We can work on the triggers. Did something in our positioning throw you off? Do you remember?”  

“Shouldn’t take  _ my  _ worries lightly? Finn.” Poe cupped Finn’s face in his hands. “Why aren’t you worried about your  _ own _ self?”  

“I am. I’m worried you’re wanting to end things when we haven’t tried to fix it. Or, fix it isn’t the right phrase. But…work on it.”

“I—you really think we can fix this? I don’t—I don’t want to hurt you. Ever. God, Finn.”  

Finn brushed over one of Poe’s cheeks, then kissed it. “Do you think we’re  _ never _ going to hurt each other? We love each other.” He rested his forehead against Poe’s. “For me, the difference is—intentionality. You don’t—I know you’ve been hurt, but you haven’t been intentionally hurt by the only stable person in your life. I’m not saying you don’t understand. I’m just saying…let me decide to stay.”  

“But—” Poe blinked, then ran Finn’s words through his head again.  _ The least you can do is fucking  _ listen  _ to him, Dameron.  _ “Oh.” He leaned against Finn, taking comfort from Finn’s quiet strength. “You’re sure?” He couldn’t stop himself from asking it again. “I don’t want to make a habit of this.”  

Finn chuckled a bit, then stopped, wincing at the pain in his throat. “Yeah, me either. But it’s a little soon to call it, isn’t it? I’m sure. We have to be vigilant, though. Figure out if I’m triggering you. That kind of thing.” He ran his hands over Poe’s cold back, trying to warm him. “This, what we have...it’s worth the work, to me.”  

“It’s worth it to me, too,” Poe whispered, eyes stinging. “Oh god, Finn. I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you. I thought this was it. I thought this was the end of us. I—I still don’t understand why you don’t want to leave, but—but as long as you don’t, I—” He closed his eyes. “I love you. I want to make this right.”  

Finn rocked them gently in place. “How about breakfast, then? And I wouldn’t mind using your shower. We’ve got some time before work.”  

“Yeah, of course, of course. Anything.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand. “Tell me what I can do to help you.”  

Finn turned his head, placing a kiss on Poe’s palm. “Maybe…maybe work on forgiving yourself a little bit, while I’m in the shower? I hate seeing you so unhappy.”  

“Hate seeing  _ me  _ unhappy—why are you more worried about  _ me?”  _

Finn frowned. “Because you deserve to be happy.”  

“So do you,” Poe whispered.  

“Yeah. You're right. So am I. We both deserve to be happy.” Finn nudged in beside Poe's cheek. “That's why we're going to work.”  

“But—”  _ Relearning. Relearning, Dameron, so shut the fuck up and listen to him.  _ “I love you,” Poe said instead. “I don’t know what I could ever have done to deserve you. I love you so much.”  

“I love you too, honey.” Finn wrapped Poe tighter. “Some tea would be nice for breakfast. Do you have some? Hot cocoa would be okay, too. And I know you have that.”  

“I do.” Poe laughed tiredly. “And tea. I even have eggs and shit now. I can make you something, if you want. I’ll try not to burn it.” He attempted a smile, but it didn’t feel quite right.  

“I’m sure you won’t burn it.” Finn rubbed the sleep bruise under Poe’s eye. “You want me to text Jess, tell her to take over for today?”  

“No,” Poe said reluctantly. “No, I can go in. And you?”  

“Yeah, I need to make up some time. I was thinking of working until group.” Finn folded Poe into his arms again. “Are you doing okay? Do you need some time? Cuddle time? Alone time?”  

_ What the fucking hell does ‘ok’ even feel like?  _ Poe thunked his head on Finn’s shoulder. “You wanted to take a shower?” he asked.  

“Yeah. I’ll go do that.” Finn kissed Poe’s temple, left his arms reluctantly, and went searching for his backpack.  

Poe stepped towards the bed, winced, and started doing his stretches, as carefully as he could. Hopefully it wouldn’t hurt too badly for the rest of the day.  

The cooler water felt good on Finn’s neck. He’d borne the time at the mirror checking the bruises out, and really, they weren’t that bad. He closed his eyes to stop from remembering how Poe had looked above him, all blind rage. It-it had been easy to see that it wasn’t  _ Finn _ Poe was angry at, and maybe that made the difference here, maybe that’s what had made the difference before, when they were on the couch. Poe’s eyes had been manic, but there was something,  _ something _ different than what his dad had looked like when he’d been bearing down on Finn for some wrong or another. 

Still, he shivered, and turned the water up warmer to wash his hair and his body.  _ Understandable,  _ he told himself as he stepped out and dried off. Understandable to have a reaction now, when he’d bottled it in, before. Understandable that Poe didn’t want to touch him right now, that Poe didn’t trust himself, but—but he could have used the cuddling time he’d offered Poe, he realized now. 

Instead, he squeezed his hands until they stopped shaking, and shaved as best he could. He took his morning pills, and dressed for work. He went through a breathing routine or two, and when he was under control again, he packed up his stuff and headed for the kitchen.  

Poe was so focused on the eggs that he startled at the light footstep in his kitchen. “What—oh. Hey.” Finn’s faint stubble was gone—that was a good sign, Poe reminded himself. So he hadn’t completely fucked up Finn’s recovery, or at least not irreparably so. “How—how are you doing?”   

Finn sat, unsure of how to ask for what he needed. “I’m, uh. Please don’t take this—I’m a little shaky, is all. Guess I’m worried you’re not going to want to touch me anymore.”  

Poe stared at him for a moment, jaw open, before regaining the power of speech. “You’re worried that  _ I’m  _ not—I thought  _ you  _ wouldn’t want to—to touch— _ me.”  _ His face crumpled into a cautious smile, hardly able to believe it. “You—you really—”   

Finn tried to smile back, but he was still feeling unsure. “I—It’d be nice to know I’m loved, after that. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. Just. Like a counterbalance, you know?”  

“Buddy.” Poe’s voice cracked. He turned toward Finn— “Wait, shit, hang on—” He took the eggs off the stove, turned off the burner, knelt by Finn’s chair, and hugged him with everything he had. “You  _ are  _ loved. You’re ok. I promise you, you’re ok. I love you so fucking much, sweetheart.”  

Finn buried his face in Poe’s neck, squeezing into the hug. “Thank you,” Finn whispered.  

_ How could you do this to him, Dameron? How could you  _ do _ this?  _ “I’m sorry,” Poe said softly, voice muffled in Finn’s shirt. “I’m so fucking sorry, Finn.”  

“I know you are. I forgive you.” Finn slid out of the chair so he could hold Poe in his arms, feel Poe’s arms better around him. “I just needed…just needed a reminder of what we are.”  

“Of course.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “I’m glad you asked. It’s always ok to ask. For whatever you need.”  

Finn closed his eyes, breathing in Poe’s scent, and—“Hey, those eggs smell good.”  

“Really? You said to heat them on low, or something like that, so I set the heat to the lowest it would go. And I put the eggs in a pan. And some herbs I bought. Just the kind that come in a little container, I figured I could probably handle that.”  

Finn smiled. “Look at you. Learning. I’m proud of you.” Finn cupped Poe’s face, then drew him in for a kiss.  

“Trying,” Poe sighed, then kissed Finn again.  _ I almost lost you. Can’t believe you’re still here.  _ “Oh!” He broke off suddenly, remembering. “And I was thinking, while I was getting dressed. The—the last time this happened was on the couch. When I was sleeping in your arms again. I wonder if—” He bit his lip. “I love falling asleep with you. But—but I think—maybe waking up in contact with you, before I wake up completely and realize what’s going on—maybe that’s the problem?”     

Finn beamed, still cupping Poe’s face. “Well, then, that’s easily fixable. I love it too, but we can figure it out. Try it anyway. That makes sense.” Finn was happy enough that he swooped in for another kiss. “I hope that’s the solution, because I really didn’t want to have to forgo sleeping with you altogether.”  

“God, me neither.” Poe kissed him back, glad to see Finn’s beautiful smile return. “Did you sleep ok? I mean, before. You were out cold when I fell asleep.”  

“I did. Solid, don’t even remember dreaming. Kind of a miracle. Or orgasms really are the prescription. In which case, I will gladly leave myself in your careful hands, Dr. Dameron.” Finn ruffled his fingers through Poe’s hair, then stood, and held out a hand for Poe.  

_ Careful hands?  _ Poe stared at Finn for a moment. 

_ He told you to stop beating yourself up about this. So listen to him and fucking  _ stop,  _ Dameron.  _

“Anytime,” Poe said weakly, and took Finn’s hand. “Glad you slept well.”  

Finn pulled Poe up, and back into a hug. “Thank you. I needed this.” His stomach gurgled, and he blushed. “And apparently I need breakfast, too.”  

“Yeah, of course!” Poe hurried to finish cooking the eggs. “And whatever else you need, tell me. Please. I want make this right, if I can.”  

Finn pressed a kiss to the back of Poe’s neck before turning to avail himself of the pot of hot water Poe had gotten going and the tea packets he’d put out on the counter. “Do you have honey?”  

“Sweet tooth, remember?” Poe smiled at him, then remember in a rush why Finn needed honey. He covered his face, overwhelmed with shame. “Fucking hell.”  

Finn slipped his arms around Poe from behind. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting. And before you turn it around and say ‘ _ I’m _ sorry you’re hurting?  _ You’re  _ hurting!’ please remember that I’ve forgiven you. And I’m still sorry you’re hurting, and I wish I knew what to say to make it better.”  

Poe tensed a little, startled by the contact, then slowly managed to relax. This was going to be a bad day, wasn’t it? Just the thought of it was exhausting. “I don't think there’s anything you can say to make it better,” he murmured. “But if there is, you’ve said it. By b-believing we can make this work.”  

“We  _ can. _ ” Finn left Poe and went in search of the honey, then found the bear in the first cupboard he pulled open. He dolloped a fair amount into his tea, and grabbed a spoon to stir.  

Poe watched him in silence, then belatedly remembered to stir the eggs. They were just about done, so he took them off the stove, spooned them onto a pair of plates, and set them on the table. “Do you want anything else?” he asked softly.  

_ To kill whomever dared put their hands on you. _ “No, this looks great.” Finn dug in, testing out a bite, and humming in appreciation. “Perfect.” The honey was soothing his throat, too.  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled at him, surprised and pleased. “I’m glad.” He took a bite, and considered. “Yeah, it’s not burnt or anything.”  

“You’re a good pupil, obviously. Fast learner. I better not teach you anything more or we’ll have two cooks on our hands.”  

“Well, you’ll need a break, after working at the restaurant all day. And I’ve got to have some way to—”  _ To serve you,  _ he wanted to say.  _ To make it up to you.  _ But that—was that wrong? “To do good things for you,” he said instead.  

Finn pushed out his lower lip in a playful pout. “Does that mean you’re not going to be doing good things to my dick?”  

Poe stared at him for several seconds, trying to catch up to the sudden change in conversation. “Um,” he managed at last. “Now  _ there’s  _ a nice thought. I hope I’ll be—be doing both. If you want.”   

“Good,” Finn said with a smile. “Though, you’re going to have to be my guinea pig, so I don’t think I’ll be getting out of cooking that easily.”  

“Well, good.” Poe tipped back in his chair and watched Finn’s lips close over the fork. “We’ll both eat better that way.”  

“I still want to make you waffles. Or was it pancakes? I don’t remember if you told me, I think we got distracted,” Finn said with a flush.  

“I like both,” Poe shrugged. “French toast, too. Anything you make for me, honestly.”  

“Oh! I saw a stuffed French toast recipe I wanted to try. Certain to satisfy that sweet tooth. Or give us diabetes. Or both.”  

“Mmm, now you're talking.”  

Eggs finished, Finn wrapped his hands around his mug and sipped at the tea, heavily flavored with honey.  He smiled as he watched Poe finish his food. It was domestic, and nice, and he loved being here.  

“Think we should walk in together this time?” Poe cocked a brow at Finn.  

Finn stacked their plates together with a clink. “I’d be proud to.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grabbed a towel and dried the dishes as Finn washed them. “Jess will never let you live it down, you know.”  

“She’ll just have to get used to it.” Finn handed off the last dish, then swept a kiss over Poe’s cheek.  

“Damn right.” Poe smiled at Finn, then kissed him back. “Ready to go? Look at you, all showered and dressed in a new set of clothes. No walk of shame today.”  

“We’re so civilized. Adult, even.” Finn shouldered his backpack and waited for Poe by the door.  

“Heh.” Poe grabbed his things, shoved them in his bag, and met Finn by the door. Before they could leave, though, he set a hand on Finn’s arm. “Um. I, uh. I’m sorry if I’m weird today. I think I’m kind of dissociating a little? I need to just—” He shook his head. “I need to be upset about it, and you shouldn't be there for that, so, um. But it’s ok, you have group tonight, right? So we probably wouldn’t have been able to hang out anyway.”  

Finn placed his hand over Poe's on his arm, and squeezed. “Thank you for telling me. So I won't think—thank you. And yeah, group tonight, so a night apart might be in order.”  

“Ok.” Poe looked at his feet for a moment, then wrapped Finn into a fierce hug.  _ “Thank  _ you,” he mumbled into Finn’s shoulder. “Thank you for getting it. We can—oh, shit, no, tomorrow  _ I  _ have group. Um. Maybe after it gets out? Or—or Friday?”  

Finn pulled a face. “Oh, no, I have reservations Friday to go to a fancy dinner with my boyfriend.” He smiled a little, stroking over Poe's hair.  

“Ah, shit. Well. Maybe I can come too? I don’t want to be a third wheel, though.”  

“Mmm, I like you better though. You're—no, you know what, this got weird. Anyway. Friday night, reservations for seven at Chow. I can come over? Or you could pick me up. Whichever.” Finn rocked them a little, taking the last little bit of time that he could with Poe.  

“Hmm.” Poe stroked down Finn’s back, stopping at the lush curve of his ass. “Why don’t I come pick you up, save you the walk.”  

“That sounds nice. I'll be wearing my fancy shoes, after all.” Finn kissed Poe's brow. “Onwards and upwards?”  

“Well,” Poe said pragmatically, “if we don’t leave within the next two minutes, we'll be late, and Jess will have two things to make fun of us for. But that does still leave enough time for this—” He cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand and kissed him.  

Finn let himself sink into the comfort of the kiss, hoped Poe felt it, too. When they broke it off, he rested his forehead against Poe's for a second, whispering, “I love you,” before pulling away.  

“Love you too.” Poe smiled at Finn, linked their fingers together, and started off down his front steps.  


	20. Fancy Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe go to dinner - and discuss the elephant in the room. 
> 
> I thought you guys might want something a little bit lighter after that last chapter. - Tlib

The haircut had taken too much time, and Finn was panicking as he dressed quickly. Still, he ran his hand over the fresh fade, and smiled. He hoped Poe would goggle.  

Poe tried to stop his leg from jiggling after he rang the doorbell, but it was a lost cause. It felt like forever since they’d spent time together. Even longer since he’d worn any kind of formal clothing. He was pretty sure the suit still fit, but it was hard to tell with just a little spin before the bathroom mirror.  

_ Shit. _ Finn raced to the door, shirt half tucked, barefoot, and breathless. “I'm going to be ready quickly, I promise. I'm sorry. Please, come in, oh, god, you look amazing, fuck.” Finn was momentarily dazed by the tamed curls, the fitted suit, the  _ image _ of Poe. “Hi,” he said, leaning against the hallway wall.  

“Hi yourself.” Poe grinned at him. “Hi. Very hi. Hello. You sure you want to bother with the whole restaurant thing tonight? Seems a shame to cover you up with a jacket.”  

Finn blushed, and pulled Poe close for a kiss. “Give me five minutes.”  

“Ok,” Poe sighed. “Fine, go put on clothes. Be responsible.”  

Finn flashed him a grin and hurried back to his bedroom, trusting Poe to make himself comfortable. Hurriedly he tucked in and put on socks and shoes. He hesitated over his backpack, then threw his lube in. Hopefully he wasn't the only one hoping to get lucky tonight. He took a deep breath before he slipped into the slim blue jacket, then smiled and headed out to find Poe.  

At the bright click of Finn’s shoes, Poe turned to look at him, then stopped and stared for a few moments while his brain made faint fizzing noises.  

Finn smiled, dropping his bag and reaching for Poe’s hands. “I clean up okay, huh? Yes, I’m fishing for compliments.”  

“You,” Poe said, and clapped himself on the back for managing to say a full, coherent word. “Fuck. Oh, fuck.” He yanked Finn closer and dipped him into a deep kiss, hoping that said everything he couldn’t.  

“Mmmmmph,” Finn managed, though it felt like all of his blood had rushed from every part of his body and straight to his dick. _Who needs oxygen, anyway?_

“Restaurant first, right?” Poe said unsteadily. “I mean, you put on such nice clothes. It would be a shame to take them all off again right now, wouldn’t it?”  

“Restaurant first. Right. Clothes.” Finn squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, then opened them again. “Plus, if I cancel on Chow again, I think I’ll probably never be able to get another reservation there in this lifetime.”  

“Right,” Poe managed. “True. Good call. And maybe if they like you, you could work there sometime, on your way up to your own place. So, we’re going. Now. We’re gonna do this.”  

“Hey, at least it’s a twenty minute drive from here, gives us a little time to calm down again.” Finn smirked. “Or maybe not, considering how much I like watching you drive. But still. Chow. Food. Networking possibilities. Let’s do it.” He slid his arm around Poe’s waist, picked up his backpack, then paused. “I hope I’m not being presumptuous,” he murmured, lifting the bag.  

Poe’s eyes caught on it, then traced the straps up over Finn’s shoulders. “Um,” he said. “Well. We’ll see? I mean.” He lifted his eyes to Finn’s. “I’d like for you to stay over, too. If—if—if we’re both ok?”    

Finn cupped Poe’s face, sweeping a thumb over his cheek. “Yeah, of course. No pressure, at all. I guess I’d just—rather have options, than not, you know?”  

“Exactly.” Poe grinned at him, then took his hand. “Shall we—wait.” He squinted at Finn’s temple, then traced the fresh line darting down above his ear. “Did you—” He flushed. “Did you just get a haircut? Or—how long have I not noticed? Shit.”  

“Just got it like, 20 minutes ago. You’re good.” Finn slid a kiss on Poe’s forehead. “Thanks for noticing.”  

“Ok, phew.” Poe relaxed. “It looks—damn.” He looked Finn up and down, then resolutely gazed straight ahead. “Oh, fuck. I’m going to have to establish a No Ogling In The Restaurant Either rule.”  

Finn hugged Poe into his side. “You’re adorable, and I love you to pieces.” He glanced at his watch. “And we need to get going.”  

“Right! Right, ok, yes. Yes. Going. Let’s go. Ok.” Poe took Finn’s hand again and started off towards the car. “You don’t think you could wear a poncho or something in the car, just so you don’t distract me?” He grinned at Finn. 

Finn poked Poe’s ass before putting his backpack in the back, and sliding into the car. “Only if you wear one too, and then how adult will we look?”  

Poe laughed and started the car. “We will look like we’re prepared for a night of elegant dining and then rainy mountain hiking. Great plan. You know. Anything could happen.”  

“Always prepared. Hey, did you do anything like that? Boy scouts or anything? I always thought it looked pretty glamorous as a kid, ‘course, now I know about the homophobia and stuff, which sucks.”  

“Nah, Boy Scouts weren’t too big around here. But my family did go hiking a lot, and camping a couple of times. Except that was more my mom’s thing, so we haven’t gone in years.”  

Finn squeezed his fingers together into a fist, then relaxed them. “I have some memories I’d like to relearn about camping. I won’t go into it now, not when we’re having a nice time. But yeah, if you wanted to, I’d be willing to see if  _ real _ camping lives up to what it looks like in the movies.”  

Poe set a hand on Finn’s arm. Red light glinted off the furrows in Finn’s brow, then echoed down the sleek lines of his suit. “I’m sorry, buddy,” Poe said softly. “Maybe we can go camping sometime. I think we’ve probably still got the tents and all that hidden somewhere. Maybe up in my dad’s attic. But I’ll warn you—” green light; he started the car again— “It’s not as glamourous as it sounds. Mostly you just want a hot shower and a mosquito net big enough to cover, oh, the entire mountain.”  

“Still. I’m looking forward to summer and hiking, at least. There’s something about getting out in nature. Maybe because I grew up in the city.”  

“Well, I’d be happy to go hiking with you.” Poe shot Finn a quick grin. “I remember agreeing to take turns walking behind each other…”  

“Yes, equal ass appreciation time. I mean, is there anything else more important? Other than—maybe you know what to do if we see a bear, because those fuckers are  _ large _ and I have no idea.” Finn grinned back, fueled by the happiness on Poe’s face.  

“Nah.” Poe pulled up in front of the restaurant. “First of all, they’re very rare, especially on established hiking trails. Second, all you have to do is make a lot of noise and they usually run away. Third: I am quite positive that you could wrestle a bear and win.”  

Finn snorted. “Thanks for the confidence. Oh—before we go in. You okay with PDA in here? I mean, hand holding, the like. Not like I want to suck your dick in the middle of the restaurant. But. It’s our first real date out, so…”  

Poe blinked. “Ok, first of all, while talking about sucking dicks is highly entertaining, it’s also really not doing any favors for my self-control. Do you know how badly I want to jump you right now? Badly. Very badly. Anyway, moving on, second order of business. I’m ok with whatever PDA you’re ok with. I mean, everyone in this town knows I'm gay by now, it’s hardly a secret. I don’t  _ think  _ we’ll get any shit—people tend to keep their noses to themselves around here. But if you want to fly under the radar, that’s completely ok with me. Your call.”   

Finn offered Poe his hand and shook his head. “I’m proud I’m yours. And you’re mine.”  

“Oh,” Poe said faintly.  

“Yeah.” Finn smiled. “Ready?”  

“I think so.” It took Poe three times to figure out how to open his own goddamn car door. By the time he joined Finn on the sidewalk, however, he’d managed to gather himself together a little. “Same,” he murmured. His eyes caught on the way the curves and angles of Finn’s face glinted in the golden streetlight. “I’m so fucking proud to be with you.”  

Finn took his hand, and nodded as the maitre d’ held the door open for them. “Reservation for two for Okira?” They were ushered to a table efficiently, and water poured before they’d even sat down in the secluded corner. A candle flickered on the table, and Finn sucked in a little breath as Poe sat down, the candlelight highlighting the bronze of his skin and the dark of his eyes. He swallowed, and looked around instead. “It’s a nice ambiance.”  

“Yeah?” Poe had a hard time looking away from Finn’s eyes. “Oh! Right, yeah. Yeah, it’s nice. It’s beautiful.” He spared a glance around the elegant space, then looked back at Finn, which was really where his eyes belonged. “Ok, here’s the deal. I know shit about food. This is your specialty. So you order, I’ll pay, everyone’s happy. Deal?”  

Finn touched one of Poe’s knees with his. “Since I’m now a poor college student, I’m not going to argue. Any no-gos? Flavors you hate? Anything?”  

“Not really a fan of seafood, but anything else is fair game.”  

Finn grinned and picked up the menu. “Got it.”  

Poe resisted the urge to distract Finn with a toe up his calf for at least five seconds, for which he deserved a special commendation. It wasn’t nearly as fun with dress shoes now as it had been when they’d been barefoot in Finn’s kitchen, but still: his foot, Finn’s calf, he wasn't going to complain.  

Finn shifted in his seat and smirked at Poe, setting down the menu. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to reciprocate at footsie, but being on the receiving end was great —until the waiter came by. Somehow, Finn managed to relay their order, and he only had to restart once. “You are  _ evil,”  _  he mumbled into his water glass when the waiter left.  

_ “Me?”  _ Poe set a hand on his chest. “I am an honest, upright citizen, I’ll have you know.”  

Finn snorted. “Yeah. Well. Please refrain from making me come in my pants at a potential workplace.”  

“Fine,” Poe sighed. His citizenship wasn’t the only thing that was upright by this point, so it was just as well. “I’ll be good. Tell me about your restaurant. Did you think about it any more? Is it going to look like this?”  

“Homier, I think, you know? To fit the neighborhood better.” Finn blushed. “Oh, um. Because in my daydreams, it’s that place that’s been closed for ages near your shop? The one on the corner of 6th and Main?”  

“Huh.” Poe sat back and cocked an arm along the back of his chair. “Yeah, that place used to be a local institution. We always went there for celebrations—end of the semester, made the cross-country team, passed pre-calc, etc. Couldn’t believe it when it finally closed. ‘Bout time someone turned the lights on again.”  

“Well, we’ll see. Gonna take a bit to accumulate capital, and I still have to, you know, go to school, and then graduate. But yeah. It’s a nice space, and the neighborhood deserves something like that, you know? A nice place to go that isn’t as fancy as this, but isn’t like going to the Branding Iron, either, not that there’s anything wrong with the Branding Iron. Just that sometimes people want more than diner food.” Finn smiled, thinking of it.  

Poe cackled. “You know, the first time my aunt visited us—she lives in New York City usually—we went there for dinner, and she ordered quiche.” He shook his head. “Out-of-stater mistake. If you’re at a diner, you order diner food. Not city food.”  

“Ah, yeah, um. I can’t quite imagine the Branding Iron’s take on quiche,” Finn winced. It turned to a grin when their appetizer came. “Now, this might not be your thing, it’s not everyone’s thing, but I’ve heard great stuff about their pate.” He spread some of the pate onto a cracker and handed it to Poe. “No harm no foul if you don’t like it.”  

Poe popped it into his mouth and considered it. “Interesting,” he said at last. “That may be an acquired taste. But I think I would quite happily acquire it.”  

Finn fed himself a cracker, then passed another to Poe. “It’s a good recipe. I don’t think I’m quite good enough, yet, to figure out what’s in it, exactly.”  

“See, this is why you have to work here someday. Infiltrate their base, find out—find out. Um. How they make it.”  

“It would be amazing to work at a place like this, and not just work the line somewhere. Not that there’s anything wrong with working a line, but I feel like this kind of place would actually  _ teach _ me something new, you know?” Finn rested his hand on the table palm up, an invitation for Poe.  

“Hope so.” Poe took Finn’s hand and grinned at him. “Because then you can come home and cook all of these amazing things for me.”  

_ Home. _ If Poe hadn’t noticed he’d said it, Finn wasn’t going to point it out to him. “I look forward to that, a lot. I like cooking for you. Better than just cooking for myself.”  

“I’m glad,” Poe said softly. He rubbed his thumb across the back of Finn’s hand.  

Finn was lost, caught momentarily in the candlelight flickering in Poe’s eyes, until the spell was broken by another couple walking by. “Oh,” Finn said softly, shaking his head. “How was group last night? If you want to answer.”  

“Um.” Poe let go of Finn’s hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “It, uh. It was fine. I—” His shoulders jerked up, then down. “I know you—you chose to forgive me, and to stay, and I’m—I’m trying to respect that, I—I really am. I’m—trying to—to forgive myself, too, I just—I just haven’t quite been able to manage that yet. So I, uh, I brought it up, and we talked about it for a bit.”  

“I’m proud of you for doing that. Did it help at all?”  

“Yeah? A little, I think. I mean, a couple people said they’d done something similar, in a flashback or whatever. One person thought you were stupid for staying with me. That was fun. The moderator isn’t quite as good at keeping people focused, shutting things down, but he does ok. I mean, it—it didn’t solve everything, but it helped, yeah.”

“That’s—" Finn tried to get over his own offense. “I’m sorry that person said that to you, and I’m glad the others helped. I still—I feel badly that you’re not coming to our group anymore.”  

Poe shrugged. “Seven years, probably time to let someone else have my seat by now. How was it—I mean, is it ok if I ask?”   

“It was good. I, um. I shared about what happened, too. No one called me stupid to my face, so I guess there’s that? Um. They don’t know it’s you. Someone suggested another support group, for partners of PTSD survivors. ‘Course, we’d both have to go. Someone else suggested joint counseling?” Finn shrugged. “I don’t know how you feel about that, but I guess I’d like to see if we can work on what’s triggering it. Although maybe a counselor could help with that.”  

“Yeah.” God, even the thought was exhausting. “That’s—that’s probably a good idea.”   

Finn held his hand out for Poe again. “We’re going to make it work, Poe. I believe that with all of my heart.”  _ Because I don’t think I want to try again with anyone else. I think you’re it, for me. _

Poe nodded, chewing on his lip. He leaned back as the waiter arrived, but kept a tight hold of Finn’s hand.  

“The chicken Florentine,” the waiter announced, setting a plate in front of Poe. In front of Finn, he placed a large bowl with an intricate conical lid. “The lamb tagine.” He pulled a pepper mill out of his apron. “Fresh pepper?”

“No thanks,” Finn murmured, pulling the lid off his bowl to reveal a fragrant stew. “This looks wonderful.”  

“Thank you.” Poe smiled at the waiter as he left, then looked down at his plate. “Well, shit. This looks wonderful indeed. And I  _ do  _ know what that is.” He pointed to Finn’s tagine. “I had it in San Fran once, on vacation. I remember that tagine—” He waved a hand to illustrate the ceramic cone. “Lid, hat, thingy.”  

“I thought maybe we could each share? I mean, if you want. Yours looks amazing, too.” Finn dug out a spoonful of stew and blew on it, waiting for it to cool.  

“Sounds good.” Poe tried a bite of his. “Damn. That’s…a lot better than the frozen meal version, I’ve gotta say.”  

Finn hummed around his bit of stew, allowing the flavors to process in his mouth.  

“When’d you realize you wanted to become a chef?” Poe asked.  

“Right after you asked me what I wanted to do with my life,” Finn answered honestly. “I hadn’t even thought beyond —‘okay, I have a steady job, I’m surviving’ —well, surviving financially anyway. Obviously wasn’t doing so well elsewise.”  

“Doing better than you think, man. You had a job, you were looking for help. Give yourself credit for that, yeah?”  

“I’m—I’m working on it.” Finn blew on a spoon of stew and offered it to Poe. “Here, try.”  

“Whoa, that’s really nice.”  

Finn tried not to let the image of Poe’s lips closing around the spoon go straight to his dick. He swallowed too-hot stew instead, and sputtered, then gulped water. “Oops,” he rasped, face on fire.  

“You all right there, buddy?”  

“Yeah,” Finn coughed. “Yeah. Um.” He struggled to remember what they’d been talking about. “I have a feeling if I stuck my head back in the kitchen, I’d find people who wanted to be chefs their whole lives. And here I am, just deciding on a whim.”  

“Not a whim.” Poe shook his head. “You had that answer ready, man. Someone in there—” he nodded at Finn— “was thinking about it, even if you weren’t actively listening to that voice.”  

Finn swept his spoon through his stew for a second, looking for distraction. “You always do that for me. Reframe things, give me a new perspective. Thank you.”  

“You’re welcome.” Poe grinned at Finn. “You’ll agree with me one of these days. Until then, you can take a bite of this magical concoction.” He scooped up a bite with plenty of sauce and offered it to Finn.  

“Mmm. Mmm, yeah, okay, that’s good, too.”  

“Yeah? You going to figure out how to make this one, too?”  

“Hopefully. Maybe we can do a fancy dinner in, sometime.” Finn leaned back, rubbing his stomach. “What do you think? Want to get dessert, or finish this up and get out of here?”  

“Dinner in sounds good too. And, um. No. No, I don’t really need dessert tonight. But you’re trying to distract me, sir. Cooking. You. I’m wondering what else you have up your sleeve. Other things you want to do. Stuff you haven’t thought about before.”  

“I'm not that great at baking? I’d like to learn more there. Though I have a go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe that's decent. Hmmm, maybe you can be the judge of that, Mr. Sweet Tooth.” Finn smiled as he took another bite of stew.  

“Now that sounds good,” Poe laughed. “But I usually rate food on a very complex scale of good, edible, and  _ shit, how did that go bad already!  _ So I’m not sure I’ll be your best critic. But I’ll do my best.”  

“Nah, everyone needs a critic like you. Someone who believes in them, no matter what, but won't bullshit them. Doesn't matter if you have expertise.” Finn raised his water glass in a little salute.  

“If by ‘won’t bullshit,’ you mean ‘incapable of lying to save his ass,’ that’s me. I never really figured out that whole ‘white lie’ thing.”  

“That's not a bad thing,” Finn murmured.  

Poe snorted. “That’s because you weren’t around when Jess changed her hair and asked me what I thought of it.”  

“Okay, point,” Finn chuckled. “But, really. It may end up being socially awkward for you sometimes, but—it's so valuable to the rest of us. There's a reason people satellite around you, Poe, and it's not because you're devastatingly handsome. Or at least it better not be, because as I said before, I don't like to share.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned back at him, caught by the light in Finn’s eyes. “Have I mentioned how much I like it when you say that? The not sharing part, I mean. Also the devastatingly handsome, although I really don’t want to devastate anyone, that would be unpleasant.”  

“Oh, good,” Finn replied, faintly embarrassed. “It's one of those things that I worry I get from my dad.”  

Poe raised an eyebrow. “From what I’ve heard,” he said carefully,  _ “you  _ figured out for yourself that you wanted to have a stable, loving, monogamous relationship.”  

“I…do want that, a lot.” Finn slipped his hand across the table, so their fingertips were just touching.  

“Then you’ll find it.” Poe ran his fingers across Finn’s, then took his hand and kissed his knuckles.  

“I, um, I've found it, I hope.”  

“Um.” Poe stared at their joined hands.  _ Try. Try, Dameron. Please. He needs this.  _ “I—I hope so too.” He bit his lip. “But can I, um, just—” He rubbed his forehead. “Yellow. We—we haven’t even gotten through one night of being ok, no disasters. I—I’m trying, I am, I really am, I just—I don’t want to make any promises about the future. Promises I can’t keep.”  

“No, of course. Of course.” Finn shook his head. “I don't mean. I just. I don't know,” he ended, helplessly.  

Poe’s hand tightened on Finn’s. “I’m sorry, buddy.”  

“You still want to  _ try,  _ right?” Finn whispered.  

“Yes.” Poe held Finn’s gaze. “I do. I  _ am.  _ I just—I don’t want to make any promises about the future.” He hesitated. “Is that ok with you?”  

Relief flooded Finn. “Yeah. Just. After what happened, I've been worried.”  

“Yeah. Well.” Poe dropped his head. “I can’t say I disagree with the person at group. You could do so much better than—” He waved a hand at himself. “But—but you—chose to stay. And I’m—I’m glad, selfishly, I’m—I’m so fucking glad. So—so as long as you still w-want me, I’m—I’m here.”  

“I still want you,” Finn vowed. “I still have hope for us.”  

“Yeah?” An echoing bubble of hope rose in Poe’s chest.  

“Yeah.” Finn brought Poe's knuckles to his lips to kiss this time.  

Poe got lost somewhere in the warm light of Finn’s eyes. “Be patient with me?” he asked softly. “Please. I can’t make any promises.”  

Finn swallowed and nodded. “I understand. I don't mean to pressure you. Just. I don't think I can help it. I'm trying not to.”  

“That’s ok, buddy. Thank you for trying.”  

“Thanks for being patient with me, too.”  

“Of course.” Poe smiled a little. “I’m really,  _ really  _ good at being patient. You know that.”  

Finn wished that they weren't sitting in a restaurant, so that he could crawl into Poe's lap. “I do know that. We're working.”  

Poe laughed. “You know, I feel like you’ve been around forever. I always forget you just got here in the fall. That you don’t, uh, know all of the shop jokes yet. Like the time when I asked Jess to order a part, then asked her seven times over the course of the day why it hadn’t gotten here yet. Patience is, uh, not actually my strong suit, but I’m working on it.”  

“Oh,” Finn said, feeling silly. “Yeah. Well, I appreciate it.” He was quiet for a second. “We've actually managed to make it through two nights without incident, you know. The night you came over to my place after I got my stitches, and the night I came over because I was mid-attack.”  

Poe squinted at him. “We may have a different definition of ‘incident.’ But we have had some good times, I’ll agree with you on that.” He flushed suddenly, thinking of a few of those good times.  

“I think our ratio is going to improve. But also, I don't have to come back with you, if that still makes you uncomfortable. Although I hope that doesn't preclude any, uh, good times that don't involve sleeping…” Finn winked.  

Dress slacks  _ really  _ didn’t offer any extra room, damn it. Poe shifted in his seat. “Um,” he coughed. “Nearly busted my back rearranging my room a couple nights ago, so I hope like hell we get to try that out someday. I mean, if you. You. You still want to—to try.”  

“I do want to try. I have a whole list of other things I want to try with you, too.”  

Poe’s eyes widened. “Mmmph,” he might possibly have said, except he was a Reasonable Adult, Goddammit, so of course he didn’t. “We may have to compare notes,” he managed at last. “I was thinking about a few things, too.” He hesitated, then held Finn’s eyes and went for the kill. “Last night.”  

Finn shifted, readjusting himself, and leaned partially across the table. “Oh? Tell me more.”  

“Ohhh, no no no, we are so not doing this here.” Poe’s eyes flicked around the room.  

“Tease.” But Finn grinned, and leaned back.  

“You started it.”  

“I hope you'll finish it.” 

“Mmmph,” Poe definitely said this time. Screw this whole Reasonable Adult business.  

Finn smiled at the waiter as he took their plates. When he was gone, he nudged his knee against Poe's. “Don't think you're off the hook, mister. I am going to need details about exactly what you were thinking of last night. At your earliest convenience.”  

“You know, I talk a better game than I can actually play,” Poe said faintly.  

“Well fuck, I'm screwed, then. Because you've been playing the game really well so far.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at him. “Well, that’s good to know. I feel pretty damn rusty.”  

“You know, that's what the lube is for.”  

Poe covered his face with his hands. “Fuck,” he mumbled, voice muffled between his fingers. “You’re going to kill me, aren’t you.”  

“It'll be a sweet death?” Finn felt like his smile was going to crack his face open.  

“God, I hope so.” Poe peeked between his fingers, then lost his breath for a moment at the brilliance of Finn’s smile. “You know, I’m pretty sure that if you just smiled at me for an hour I’d—” He hid his face again.  

Finn tried to pull a straight face and couldn't. “Sorry. I can't help it. I just…like spending time with you so much. I'm a dork.”  

Poe propped his chin up on his palm and grinned back at Finn. “Don’t apologize, man. I love your smile.”  

“You want to get out of here?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, I—I do.” Poe gave up on words and signaled to the waiter instead.  

Finn leaned back, watching with quiet happiness —pride? Was it a thing to be proud of a boyfriend just for interacting with servers with respect? —as Poe paid the check. He stood, grateful for the length of his coat covering his erection.  

“Shall we?” Poe linked his fingers with Finn’s, tugged him closer, and kissed his cheek.  

Finn blew out a breath. “Ye-yeah.” He squeezed Poe's fingers in his. He was pretty sure anyone looking their way would be struck by just how lucky he was.  


	21. Fancy Dinner - How about some Desert? I mean sex.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smutty Smutty Smut Smut
> 
> I mean, Finn and Poe come home from dinner.

The drive home was quiet and cozy, interrupted by Poe pointing out a few constellations that were visible from the quiet road. After they finally pulled into the garage, Poe stretched his knee a bit before getting out of the car.  _ Please, God, let tonight be ok. Let us both be ok.  _

Finn met Poe by the stairs, his backpack over his shoulder, and held out his hand.  

Poe took Finn’s hand and walked inside with him. “So,” he said, as he locked the door behind them. “You said you had a list of things you want to try.”  

“Well, we don't have to hit  _ all _ of them. But, uh, I did bring  lube. Just…just in case.” Finn folded Poe into his arms. “Or we could just make out. That seems to work well for us, too.”  

“Mmm.” Poe relaxed into Finn’s arms. “Well, I bought lube too, just in case. I hope it’s the good stuff, I drove all the way to Scotstown for it before group yesterday and stood in the shop for fifteen minutes staring at the labels. Why do companies change their products so often? I couldn’t find the one I used to use. But this one looked good, I hope. Am I rambling? I might be rambling. But. Um. Anyway. Making out sounds good, A+ idea, I am always a fan of that.”  

“Bed or couch?”  

“Hmm…bed?”  

Finn nuzzled into Poe's neck. “Sounds good.”  

“Will you come to bed with me, then?” Poe took Finn’s hand and grinned at him.  

“I'd be delighted.”  

Poe led them into the bedroom and flicked on the light. “I hope that’s enough room for you to get out,” he said softly. “I moved it over as far as I could.”  

It made things a little cramped, and it was clear that the bedroom would work better if the bed was against the wall. Finn bit down on his lip, overcome. He pulled Poe into his arms. “I—I. Oh. Um. That's so…considerate of you.” He shook his head. “Sorry. I'm not making sense. Sorry.”  

“It’s ok, buddy.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “Moving a bed is—it’s really nothing, in the scope of things, but it’s something I can do. I hope it helps.”  

“Yeah but it's…I'm just not used to it.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's cheek. “Thank you.”  

“Not used to—”  _ people being considerate of your needs?  _ Poe stopped. “Well,” he said instead. “I’m not used to having gorgeous men standing in my bedroom and undressing me with their eyes, but I definitely enjoy it.”  

Finn squeezed his eyes shut for a second. That was another thing Poe did for him: never made him feel strange for his abnormal childhood. When he opened them again, he pulled back and pierced Poe with a  _ look. _ “Well, then, I guess I'm going to have to make sure you get used to it,” he said, voice low with desire.  

“I never want to get used to this,” Poe said, breathless. “I want this to still feel like a brand-new gift when—”  _ we’re old and grey, please, please, please—  _ “always. Every time.”  

Finn cupped Poe’s face, then brought him in for a kiss, drinking from his lips, languishing there, like nothing else could ever be more important. The texture was familiar already, but Poe was right —he wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to this, the punch in his gut, the feeling deep in his blood that what he was doing, who he was with, was absolutely correct and where he should be.  

When they finally broke apart, Poe clung to Finn's shoulders, knees trembling. “God. God,  you're so—” He dropped a hand between them to trace the smooth curve of Finn’s jacket buttons. “Can I,” he murmured.  

“Yeah,” Finn managed, running a slightly shaking hands over Poe's curls, then coming his cheek again. “You are so handsome.”  

Poe stepped back within Finn’s arms to undo the top button of his suit, then slid it off his shoulders and draped it over his desk chair. “You keep telling me that,” he said, turning back to unknot Finn’s tie, “and my head will get too big to go through the door.”  

“Mmm, I don't know, I think you can stand it.” Poe's hands were gentle on him, despite the electricity Finn could feel between them.  

Poe slid Finn’s tie out from his collar, tossed it over the jacket, and started in on the buttons. “Well,” he said, “then maybe I shouldn’t tell you how jaw-fucking-droppingly handsome you are, so that at least one of us can get out of here.”  

“I mean, you're threatening me with the prospect of staying in this bedroom forever. Oh no,” Finn replied with mock horror, then shivered at the feel of Poe's fingers moving delicately across his skin.  

“Hmm.” Poe pondered this as he pulled Finn’s shirt off and flung it over the chair with the rest. “You know, when you put it that way, I kind of see your point.” He ran his hands over the broad curve of Finn’s shoulders, down to his biceps, and hesitated—then knelt before him, stomach fluttering, and started to undo Finn’s belt buckle.  

Finn's heart pumped into overdrive as he watched Poe before him, and he went quiet, all teasing set aside. He nodded, could do nothing but nod, and swallow in anticipation.  

Poe slid Finn’s belt out, dropped it behind him, and undid Finn’s fly with shaking hands. Kneeling was really not a sustainable position, so he shifted his weight to his left side to make it a little easier on his bad knee. 

Finn slid a hand over his stomach and pressed his hips a little closer to Poe's hands.  

Poe eased Finn’s pants and boxers down over his ass, letting his cock spring free. He shoved them all the way down to Finn’s feet—then stopped and thunked his head against Finn’s thighs. “Shoes,” he groaned. “Shit fucking goddamn _ shoes,  _ I had a  _ plan,  _ I swear, I was going to be fucking  _ smooth  _ for once, goddamn it, and I forgot to take off your fucking  _ shoes  _ first. I don’t believe it.”  

“Baby, it's okay, see?” Finn toed off the dress shoes, then stepped out of his pants. Between them, his cock stood, proud and erect. “I think all evidence points to you being fucking smooth.”  

“You are too good to me,” Poe grumbled, but it was impossible to stay mad at himself in the face of Finn’s glorious body. He ran his hands up Finn’s thighs, then over his ass, cupping the hard muscle between his palms. “Last time,” he said, mouth dry. He flicked his eyes up to Finn's. “You wanted me to finger you. Do—do you want me to do that now? What do you want?”   

Finn tried to breathe around the rush of blood. “That…That would be amazing. If you want. Don't do anything you don't want to do.”  

“I won’t.” Poe flashed him a small smile. “Don’t worry. Remember I told you I was thinking about some things, last night? This was one of them.” He lurched to his feet, steadying himself on Finn’s elbows.  

Finn pulled Poe closer for a kiss. “Do you—can I undress you too?” 

“Please,” Poe whispered.  

Finn kissed him again, smoothing his jacket off of his shoulders and seeing it aside. Tie loosened, Finn dipped in to place a light little kiss there, by Poe's Adam’s apple as he worked on Poe's buttons. “Ohh,” he moaned in appreciation, at the sight of the white tank Poe was wearing as an undershirt. “God, you should never wear anything else.” He pressed kisses to Poe's exposed shoulders.  

“But then how would you get anything done?”  

“Point. And boots don't really go with this outfit. Oh! I almost forgot, too.” Finn dropped to his knees to untie Poe's shoes, letting Poe balance on his shoulder as he slipped them off, one by one, with his socks. Looking above, at Poe's dark eyes looking down, he pressed a kiss to Poe's thigh before working on his fly.  

Poe brushed a hand over Finn’s hair, then traced the freshly-shaved line above his ear. “What were your ideas?” he asked softly.  

Finn’s brow furrowed when the button proved stubborn, but then he had Poe released from his pants and briefs, pushing them down over Poe's hips and helping him step out. He nosed by Poe's cock, pressing a kiss at Poe's pelvic bone. “I really want to blow you again,” Finn murmured, voice hoarse. “I want to do—everything. Not all at once, but.”  

“Mmmph.” Now  _ that  _ was a image. Poe yanked off his undershirt, tossed it onto the clothing pile, and helped Finn up again. “What do you mean, ‘everything’?”  

“What you said. I want to fuck you.” Finn leaned in, kissing beneath Poe's ear. “I want you to fuck me. In like, every conceivable position.”  

_ Ok brains, goodbye, farewell, see you next year, didn’t need you anyway.  _ “Bed.” Poe nudged Finn backwards. “Get on the bed.”  

Grinning, incandescent, Finn floated back to the bed, falling into the soft sheets. He edged aside, making room for Poe.  

Poe stopped for a moment and just stared at Finn. “I love you,” he said, and swallowed hard. “So fucking much.”

“I love you right back.” Finn held his arms open in invitation.  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at him. “Well. Good to know. I’ll have to keep that in mind.” He clambered into the bed, curled in close, and wrapped an arm over Finn’s chest. “Also, I think I’d like to slow down a little bit.”  

“Slowing down is good.”  

“Thank you.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm and kissed him, slow and sweet. “You’re so good to me.”  

“You make it easy.” Finn swept Poe's curls away from his face.  

“Mmm?” Poe swung a leg over Finn’s hips, bringing them closer. His cock throbbed, aching to just rut against Finn until they were both a sweaty, sticky, mess—but no, they had a plan, and that plan required Poe to be far more relaxed than he was right now. So he just kissed Finn instead, working his way down Finn’s jaw to his neck.  

Finn moaned, squeezing into Poe's back.  

Poe found Finn’s pulse point and kissed it—gently, gently, shoving his shame at having attacked Finn into a box to keep dealing with later.  

“God, I fucking love that, when you do that, right there.”  

“Yeah?” Poe kissed him again, just for emphasis. “Where else?” He moved down to Finn’s nipples and sucked on one until it hardened beneath his tongue.  

“That's also good,” Finn squeaked, voice breathy.  

“Huh.” Poe moved onto the other, trying to keep a straight face long enough to be able to suck it properly. “You know, you really make the best noises.”  

“Mmmph?”  

Poe propped his chin on Finn’s chest and grinned up at him. “Yup. Just like that.”  

Finn booped Poe's nose. “You're making me blush. Among other things.”  

“Hmm.” Poe twisted to look over his shoulder. “Yeah, you do seem to have a situation there. Huh.”  

Finn snorted. “Well that's the first time I've heard it called a situation…But I approve.”  

“Well, good,” Poe said, admiring the way the light glinted off the head of Finn’s cock, slick with pre-cum. “Because I approve of _ that.”  _

“I'm blushing again. But thanks.” Finn kissed his fingers and then placed them on Poe's cheek.  

“Of course.” Poe hesitated. “I feel weird asking for this, but—”  

“Go ahead.”  

Poe shook his head. “Shit, shit, never mind.” He pressed a kiss to Finn’s ribs and kept working his way down Finn’s body.  

“Poe, you sure?” Finn frowned, even as he shivered at the butterfly kisses on his stomach.  

Poe leaned his forehead on Finn’s stomach and tried to gather his courage. “I just—I don’t mean—” He sighed. “I love kissing you, so much, you know that, I’d stay here all day if I could. I was just wondering if maybe you—” he bit his lip, then blurted out the rest— “wantedtokissmetoo?”  

_ You ridiculous man,  _ Finn thought with fond exasperation _.  _ “I'd love you kiss you, too, hun. Always. I just don't want to trigger you, is all. And I—I push too fast.”  

“Oh.” Poe blinked. “Um. Thank you. That’s—oh.” He shook his head, still unwilling to look up at Finn. “I just thought maybe—”   

Finn waited, running his hand through Poe's curls lovingly.  

“—maybe you didn’t want to,” Poe finished, shoulders hunching in.  _ Not after what I did.  _

“Oh,  _ baby.”  _ Finn caressed Poe's cheek. “I want to do all manner of naughty, dirty things to your body. The least of which is kiss you. Get up here.”  

“I’m sorry, I was just—” Poe shook his head and slid up beside Finn again.  

“You were just relearning. It's okay.” Finn peppered kisses over Poe's face. “If I ever don't want you, assume I'm brain dead.”  

Poe laughed helplessly at that. “God, Finn.” He cuddled in closer, trying to relax. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”  

“I know.” Finn wrapped his arms around Poe, warming him, rubbing over his back. “I know you don't, but you  _ do _ deserve me. You deserve this.” He placed a kiss on Poe's chest, right over his heart.  

“Yeah?” Poe sighed at Finn’s kisses and tipped his head back. “God, sweetheart.”  

Finn eyed Poe's face, felt the tenseness of his muscles still. Pulling them close together, he set about fixing that problem with a kiss —or several.  

_ Believe him.  _ Poe shifted up onto his side, rested his head on the crook of his elbow, and settled a hand on Finn’s waist to keep them connected.  _ He means what he says, you know that. Try to believe him.  _

Finn let Poe pull away, but couldn't resist taking Poe's arm and kissing the palm, then up the inside of the arm, then over his shoulder, and neck.  

“How did you get so good at this?” Poe whispered.  

“Am I? Not by experience. You don't get a lot of tenderness in the bathroom of a club.” Finn looked away.  

Poe brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek. “Sweetheart.” He bit his lip, then added hesitantly. “It’s ok. You needed that. No reason to be ashamed. You’re  _ here _ now, in my bed, with me. Because this is where you belong now.”  

Finn looked back at Poe's face, then buried his head in Poe's neck. “Thank you.” He pressed his lips there, quietly. “And I never want to leave.”  

“Well.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “You may need to leave for the bathroom, eventually.” He kissed the top of Finn’s head and snuggled in closer. “But I know what you mean,” he murmured. “I’d stay here forever with you too.”  

Finn slid his hand down Poe's back, smoothing over his ass. He kissed at Poe's pulse point, over and over, worshiping the skin of Poe's neck.  

Poe took a deep breath and relaxed into Finn’s kisses. “My love,” he said, and closed his eyes. “Oh god.”  

“Did anything in your thoughts last night involve what  _ I _ could do for  _ you _ ?”  

“What you—” Poe stopped and thought for a moment. “Um. Well. Most of it centered around me doing things for  _ you.  _ Rimming? And—fingering, and—and fucking, maybe, if you want, someday.”  

Finn moaned against his throat. “Ri-rimming? Really? That's…oh man, yeah? Really?” Finn moaned again, then looked away, embarrassed. ”Way to show how inexperienced you are, Okira.”

“You've—” Poe tilted Finn’s face up to meet his. “You've never been rimmed?”  

“Is it good? I mean, it seems…gross? But then, the guys in the porn always seem to like it, so?” Finn rested his forehead against Poe's. “Sorry, this is so embarrassing.”  

“It’s ok, love.” Poe kissed Finn’s nose. “I told you, I’ve been celibate for half my adult life. I never thought I’d have more experience than anyone. We definitely don't have to do it, if you don’t want to. But—as far as gross goes, there are no bad germs or anything, if you’ve cleaned up the same way you would for any other anal sex. I’ve always liked it, especially giving it. If you want, we could try it for a few minutes sometime, maybe, and you can see what you think. But you don’t want to, like I said, that’s completely ok.”  

“I would really like to try it. Sometime.” Even the thought of it had Finn pushing his cock against Poe's stomach and groaning. “Poe,” he tried not to whine, but his voice was needy.  

Poe’s breath caught as Finn’s cock slid against his. “Do you mean ‘now’ sometime, or ‘later’ sometime?” he managed.  

“I don't know, I just need—I need—"  _ Something, anything. “You.” _ Finn moved closer, wrapping his arms around Poe.  

“Well.” Poe kissed his cheek. “You got me.” He found Finn’s mouth and kissed him deeply. “So whatever you want to do,” he murmured. “Tell me.”  

“I want. I want.”  _ C’mon, Finn, you can form a sentence.  _ “I really want you to fuck me. I don't really care how.”  _ There, good job. _

“You—” Poe stared at him for a good ten seconds, mind completely filled with a technicolor image of his cock in Finn’s ass, Finn arching up— “Hnnngh,” he said.   

“Yeah,” Finn replied with a smile, pressing his lips to Poe's.  

Poe kissed him back, glad to have something to do that didn’t involve talking. “That—” he said at last, trying to find a word, some word, any word— “That,” he said again, and shook his head. “That would be wonderful, god, that—oh god. I would love to, sweetheart. But, um.” He frowned, slowly coming back down to reality. “I’m not sure I’m quite up for that tonight. I don’t want to risk it. I’m sorry. Sometime, I hope, maybe next time?”  

Finn nodded, stroking over Poe's cheek. “It's okay. What—what do you think you could do?” Finn rushed ahead. “I'm really fine with whatever, as long as, you know,” he said with a sardonic twist to his lips and nodded down between them, where their cocks were barely grazing each other and leaking precum.  

“Well.” Poe closed his eyes and leaned into Finn’s touch. “I did get lube. I could finger you. Is that—is that close enough to fucking?” His mouth quirked up into a crooked grin.   

Finn widened his eyes. “Oh, um, yeah! When I said it, I meant like… Fingers, tongue. Cock. Fingers would be great. Amazing. Yes please?”  

“Oh, god,” Poe laughed. “You are wonderful. Never change. Um. Ok.” He flipped over and rummaged through the drawer in his nightstand until he found the little bottle of lube. “Ok.”  _ I can do this. I can do this.  _

Finn went to his back, but he couldn't help keeping a hand on Poe as he moved around the bed. Here a touch to his shoulder, there sweeping down his back.  

Poe settled between Finn’s legs and nudged his thighs apart. “Oh god,” he murmured. “Oh, wait, here—” He grabbed a pillow and eased it beneath Finn’s hips. He couldn’t help running a hand up Finn’s cock as he uncapped the bottle. “Beautiful. You’re so fucking beautiful.” He slicked up his fingers and ran one around the tight pucker of Finn’s rim.  

Finn shifted his hips restlessly, trying not to squirm, trying not to _ come _ so soon. Fuck, but something about Poe made his dick not want to listen to his commands.  

Poe wrapped his free hand around the base of Finn’s cock. “You’re not going to come now,” he said, heart pounding in his ears.  

The command almost sent Finn over, but the hand wrapped around his cock helped him center. “O-okay, I can do that,” Finn gasped.  

“Yeah?” Poe watched Finn’s face, trying to make sure he hadn’t overstepped. “C-color?”  

“Green, but—but I don't know how long I'm going to last. I'm so close, Poe.”  

“If you come now, can you come again?” Poe stroked Finn’s thigh with the back of his slicked-up hand.  

Finn gulped, squeezing his eyes shut to keep from coming at the thought of it. “Pro-probably?”  

“We’ve got all night,” Poe said softly. He loosened his grip on Finn’s cock and jacked him instead. “Come for me,” he whispered. “Come for me, love.”  

Finn threw his arm over his eyes, hips thrusting up, moaning, loud and long, as he came, as Poe continued to stroke him through it. He forgot breath, momentarily, until he realized and it all came out in a whoosh, and he melted against the sheets, quivering.  

“Beautiful,” Poe murmured. “So beautiful, love. Oh god, you don’t even know how gorgeous you are.” He ran a hand down Finn’s thigh again, watching Finn slowly collapse back down onto the bed.  

Finn wasn't sure how long it took him to catch his breath, but when he had, when he removed his arm and looked at Poe, still kneeling between his legs, and the cum splattered against his own stomach, Finn moaned again. “I—That was—are you sure you don't want to come right now? It doesn't seem fair.”  

“Fair?” Poe said faintly. “Baby. I could watch you come all day, every day.” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “But. Um. Yeah? Yeah. I’m down for pretty much anything you want to do.”  

Finn whimpered a little, trying to disguise it as something else. “I really want you to finger me. But that seems selfish. You deserve—to come all day, too.”  

“Hang on.” Poe slipped into the bathroom, washed off his hands, and brought a cloth back to clean Finn off. “I—I want—” He tossed the used cloth into the hamper, then looked down at his hands. “I—I don’t know. Whatever you want to do, that’s good.”   

“Com’ere.” Finn held his arms open.  

Poe clambered back up the bed to Finn and cuddled into his arms. “Mmm.” He tucked his head into the crook of Finn’s shoulder. “Yes, this too, I could stay here all day. God, you feel so good.”  

Finn ran his hand down Poe's side, to his hip. He kissed Poe's temple. “Can I touch you?”  

“Please,” Poe whispered.  

Finn wrapped his hand carefully around Poe's cock, smearing over the head to lube his hand. “Your skin is so soft, perfect. You feel so good. You can fuck my hand if you want. Fuck me.”  

Poe grabbed Finn’s arm to anchor himself and groaned, completely out of words. “Finn,” he said—he still knew that word, at least.  _ “Finn.  _ Oh god.” He rocked his hips against Finn’s and thrust up into the tight ring of Finn’s hand.  _ This,  _ he could do  _ this  _ all day, every day, oh god. Finn’s hand just  _ fit  _ on his cock. Finn’s callused grip, the smell of his skin, the rise of his muscles, the slick slide of Poe’s cock between his fingers— _ oh god oh god oh god—  _

“Beautiful. Fuck me, Poe. Come for me.”  

Poe lost himself somewhere between the glowing nerves of his cock and the perfect friction of Finn’s hand. He clung to Finn, breath catching in his throat, toes curling, slowly overcome by waves of pleasure.  

“I love watching you come. You forget everything,” Finn whispered, pressing kisses to Poe's sweaty brow. “You're perfect. I love you so much.”  

“Mmm?” Poe blinked at him.  

“I love you so much,” Finn whispered again, finding the towel and using it to clean his hand, and Poe. When he was done, he snuggled Poe back in his arms, rocking him a little.  

“Mmm.” Poe buried his face in Finn’s chest and let himself be rocked, slowly coming back to himself.  

Finn kept murmuring to Poe as he liked, expecting nothing in return.  

“Hey.” Poe tried to find a working neuron, any neuron. “Did that just—what just—um.” He shook his head. “Hi.”  

“Hi, baby.” Finn kissed Poe's face again.  

“Mmm.” Poe kissed him back, still dazed. “You’re good at that,” he managed at last. “Good. Really good. Oh god.”  

“Thanks,” Finn said with a little laugh. “You too.”  

“Really?” Poe beamed at him. “Hmm. I feel completely rusty. Nice to know I’m still good enough.”  

“Good enough.” Finn snorted. “I saw stars.”  

“Yeah? What constellation?”  

“Ursa Major? Is that a thing? Why do I still have bears on my mind?”  

“I don’t know, man.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “You’re not a bear. I’ve never really seen the sex appeal of beards. But I meant it about you wrestling one.”  

Finn laughed, and ran his hand down Poe's side. “I love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe snuggled in closer and closed his eyes. The whole world just felt  _ better  _ in Finn’s arms—safer, clearer, quieter, calmer.  

Finn held Poe close, knowing he had to break the quiet happiness. “Do you want to get ready for bed, baby? You have pills, and we should, um, figure things out, arrangement-wise.”  

And…just like that, the world came crashing down again. “Right.” Poe sighed, lead-boned and weary.  _ The higher you fly, the harder it is to come back to earth.  _ “Um.” He sat up and scrubbed at his hair.  

_ I'm sorry,  _ Finn said in his mind, knowing Poe would hate him for saying it aloud.  

“Can we just—” Poe’s voice cracked. “Can we just cuddle a little while longer? I—I can’t—I can’t promise you’ll be safe if you sleep here. I—I don’t know if you should.”     

“I don't have to. It's okay. I could hold you until you fall asleep, if you want.” Finn looked down at his hands. “I  _ want. _ I'll miss not—and maybe someday we can again. But I'd miss you during the day, more. I don't want to lose you.”  

Poe turned back to Finn, throat aching. “I don’t want to lose you either,” he rasped. “But I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know how to keep you safe.”  

Finn sat up on Poe's  bed, crossing his legs. “It's just sleeping together. It's not. That's not what makes our relationship...as good as it is. It's a perk. Like. If your dick fell off, god forbid, we'd still have…” Finn motioned between them with his hand. “We'd still be us. A sadder us, for sure,” he said with a grin. “But we'd still be Finn and Poe. And cuddling, sleeping together...it's great when it works, don't get me wrong. But when it doesn't work, it has the power to break us.” Finn smoothed his hand over the sheets. “I'd rather hold you until you're asleep, or until whenever it is you feel safe, and then go sleep on your couch, or go home, hell —although I'd prefer the couch honestly, to the walk home at night —than risk breaking us.” He stopped abruptly, and looked back up at Poe.  

Poe twisted and untwisted his hands in his lap. “I’m scared,” he whispered at last. “So fucking scared.”  

Finn reached over, taking one of Poe's hand in his. “It's okay to be scared. But what can I do to make you less scared? Are you afraid—are you afraid you're going to hit me when you're in your right mind?”  

“No!” Poe’s hand tightened on Finn’s, startled. “I would  _ never,  _ Finn, god, no. Never.”  

“I'm not afraid of that either,” Finn murmured, willing Poe to believe it. “That's why I can say that I'll be happy to sleep on the couch. If you want me to. I know you moved the bed for me, and that's so, so swe—" Finn choked on the word, then reached up to rub a tear away from his eye. “So sweet. But if it makes you feel safer to not have me here with you, that's okay. It's okay to ask me that.”  

Poe studied Finn’s face for a long time, chewing on his lip. “I think,” he said at last. “If we don’t try it again tonight. I’m not sure I’d ever have the courage to. I  _ think  _ that sleeping apart might help. We did that for two nights, and it was fine. I think maybe that will work. But only if  _ you  _ feel safe.  _ I’m  _ not the one who’s in—in—in danger.”  

“I'm willing to try. I think you're right. Like... getting up on the horse again.  Right? I want to try.” Finn squeezed theirs hands together again. “So. Sleeping together, but apart.”  

“You’re sure you want to?” Poe asked quietly.   

Finn brought his hand to his lips. “Yeah. No matter how stupid your group thinks I am.”  

Poe snorted. “Not the whole group. Just that one idiot. At least, I hope  _ he’s  _ the idiot, and not me.”  

“You're not an idiot.” Fun flashed a grin. “Well, you're  _ my _ idiot, if you are.”  

“Well, I’m definitely yours, and definitely an idiot—about most things, and maybe this too. So yeah, I guess I am.”  

“So, you wanted to cuddle a little more before bed? Because I, for one, miss you in my arms.”  

_ Relearning, Dameron. You can do this.  _ Poe nodded mutely, then slid back down to the bed beside Finn.  

Finn laid down, on his side, drawing Poe into his arms. He nuzzled into Poe's hair, and pressed a kiss on his neck. “We're going to be okay, and I love you.”  

“Love you too,” Poe whispered, and buried his face in Finn’s shoulder. “How do you have such faith in us?”  

“Because I can't not.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I don't want to scare you.”  

Poe tipped his head back to look at Finn. “What’s  _ that _ supposed to mean, buddy?”   

Finn closed his eyes. “It's about how...how long term I've been thinking.”  

Poe took a deep breath, then let it out. “Tell me,” he murmured.  

“I just… It gives me a lot of hope, personally, to think about being with you, um, a long time. Like. Years.” Finn rushed on. “And I know that scares you, and that's okay. I just. I need all the hope I can get, you know? When I'm constantly fighting my brain about my capabilities.”  

“That’s…” Poe stroked Finn’s back and turned that over in his head a few times, feeling his world start to shift and resettle around him. “Look,” he said at last. “I’m scared of a lot of things. Including the future, and the thought of—of losing you. And maybe it’s my dick talking now—my dick feels really good right now, by the way, and so does the rest of me, so thank you. Did I thank you before? I don’t think so, so thank you, very thank you, all the thank yous, you’re incredible. Um. Anyway. I think I had a serious point to make, somewhere in there. You really did a number on my brain. Not that I had much of one to start with anyway. Oh, right. Um. So.” 

Poe cleared his throat. “I’m glad you have faith in us. I’m really fucking glad. You’ve been doing most of the work of holding us together, and I need to step up on that. Because I—I want that too, so badly. Years. All of the years. And I trust you. So if you believe that we’ll be together for a long time, then I’m going to try as hard as I can to believe it too.”  

“Christ, I love you so much.” Finn pulled Poe closer, trying to transmit the love, the amusement, the hope, the caring Poe filled him with.  

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm and kissed him, slow and sweet.  

Finn didn't want to leave his lips, so, he decided with a mental shrug, he wouldn't. 

“Tell me about it,” Poe whispered at last, resting his forehead against Finn’s. “This future you believe in.”   

“We’re living together. Married?” Finn moved between them and linked their hands together. “Yeah, I want that. I want—like you said. I want that stability I never had. So yeah, I’d like to get married someday. We commute together, because my restaurant is just around the corner from your shop. And we do what we do now: talk, and joke, and cuddle, and make love. Watch movies. Existing together, happily.” He kissed Poe’s nose. “And on Sundays, I cook you brunch.”  

Poe tucked his face into Finn’s shoulder and did  _ not  _ cry, no sir, this was a lovely moment, happy, very happy.  

Finn rubbed up and down Poe’s back, whispering his love.  

“That’s  _ beautiful,”  _ Poe whispered at last. “That’s so fucking beautiful.”  

“Gives us something good to fight for, doesn’t it?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.” Poe shook his head. “God, I want that so badly.” He drew in an unsteady breath. “Can we get a dog, too? Or—or kids, maybe, possibly, I don’t know.”   

“Yeah. Yeah, a dog would be great. Or a cat. Something fluffy to cuddle when one of us is having a bad day and the other has to go to work.” Finn kissed Poe’s cheek. “I have to admit, I’ve never thought about kids. I—God, I worry so much that I’m going to be my dad, how that happens, you know? Cycle of abuse. Textbook. I—But then, there are so many kids that  _ need _ someone, you know? That need a stable home.” He shrugged. “It’s nice to think about being that for someone else.”  

“If you don’t want me to talk about kids, I won’t, ever again, or at least not until  _ you _ decide to bring it up. But, um.” Poe rubbed small circles into Finn’s back, thinking. “First of all, you’re  _ not  _ your dad, you are so fucking not, no matter what your jerkbrain tells you. Second, I can’t imagine you treating  _ anyone  _ badly, kid or not. Third, if you did fuck up—and all parents do, god, my dad’s still apologizing for a few silly things—you’d fix your mistake and figure out how to do better in the future. Fourth, I would never let you hurt our kids, even in a crazy alternate universe where you were doing bad things for some strange reason.” He held Finn’s eyes. “That ease your mind a bit?”  

“Yeah.” Finn nodded. “Yeah,” he said more emphatically, with a smile. “But, maybe something fluffy that I can cuddle, first?”  

“Definitely.” Poe grinned at him. “God, I had a dog when I was little, the sweetest and stupidest big lump of a dog. Perfect for cuddling. But, um. Is it ok with you if I ever talk about kids? I mean, not likely, but just so I know. If you want me to stay away from the subject, I can do that.”  

“No, no, it’s okay. If you want to talk about kids. If you want to talk about  _ anything _ positive about the future, you know? That’s a step in the right direction.” Finn smiled. “Tell me more about your dog.”  

Poe snorted. “He was a shelter mutt, big shaggy guy. Terrified of thunder—I’d hide under the bed with him usually. He  _ loved  _ playing catch, more than anything in the world, which was great because I did too. Well, ok, it was my favorite thing to do until my parents bought me a remote-controlled car for my birthday, which was the coolest thing I had ever seen. But, um. Anyway. He couldn’t figure out how to catch a ball in his mouth like a normal dog, so he’d jump and try to catch it in his paws instead. Which basically never worked, but he loved it anyway. Crazy pup.”  

Finn laughed, thinking of a small, curly-haired Poe hiding under the bed with a big dog. “I bet you were adorable as a kid. You should show me pictures sometime.”  

“Heh. Maybe. Although I’d need to go through the albums and remove the really embarrassing ones. Like the one my mom took of baby me crawling in the empty bathtub and staring up at the camera, butt-naked.”  

“Hmmm, yeah. I’m not sure if I’d ever be able to look at you naked again if I saw that,” Finn teased.  

“And  _ that—”  _ Poe kissed Finn’s nose— “would be a tragedy. God, I bet you were the cutest kid.”  

Finn shrugged. “Pretty average, probably.”  

“Jesus,” Poe muttered. He hesitated, not sure whether to push this or not, then went for it. “I wasn’t talking to your jerkbrain, I was talking to  _ you.  _ I bet you were the cutest fucking kid on the block.”  

Finn blushed, and buried his head in Poe's shoulder. “I mean. I was the first kid to get a girlfriend in first grade, though it didn't last long. And it was probably ‘cause I was the new kid, so I had allure, you know.”  

“Awww.” Poe kissed Finn’s ear. “See, I told you. Killing it with the ladies from the start.” He grinned, then added, “With the boys, too, or at least this one.”  

“The only one I want to…kill it with? That came out less romantic than I was thinking.” Finn moved himself back up and passed his lips over Poe's. “Hopefully that will make up for it.”  

“I get the general idea.” Poe tried to kiss Finn back, but he was laughing too hard to kiss him properly. When they finally broke apart, he ran his hands up and down Finn’s arms, gathering his courage. “So. Um. This may be a stupid idea. But, um. As long as we’re taking giant leaps and bounds towards a future that may or may not actually be possible. Do you, um. Would you ever want to meet my dad?”  

Finn gulped, but nodded. “Yeah, actually. I mean. The stories you tell at lunch… he seems nice.”  

“He is.” Poe held Finn’s gaze. “He really is. He’ll love you. And it doesn’t have to be soon, I mean, whenever you’re up for it. I go over to the farm to get lunch with him every Sunday. I’d love for you to come with me whenever you want to.”  

“It means a lot to me.  _ To us. _ That you’re asking, baby. That’s hope, right there. Look at you.” Finn rubbed Poe’s arm. “I’d really like to go. Um. I’m also scared to go, so there might have to be some talking down of my jerkbrain when we head out there.”  

“Well.” Poe smiled at him. “You keep telling me I’m good at that, so maybe I can give it another try.”  

“You are so very good at that. Worth your weight in gold, just for your ability to calm me down.”  

“Yeah?”  _ Does that make up for the times when I—shut it the fuck down, Dameron.  _ Poe cleared his throat. “I’m glad,” he said instead. “So, just tell me. Whenever you want to give it a try. I think you two will really get along.”  

“I’m—I’m excited and scared and nervous all at once, honestly.” Finn brushed through Poe’s hair. “Maybe in a couple of weeks? I was planning on using Sundays for homework, but I feel like, maybe once I’m situated in the class, and know what I’m doing, it’ll be better?”  

“Yeah, definitely. I mean, no rush. Whenever you’re ready. When do you start class?”  

“I started already, actually. Since you had group last night, I went to campus and completed my first online assignment.” Finn smiled at the thought.  _ I'm a college student.  _

“Wait, what?” Poe propped himself up on one elbow. “Really? We need to celebrate!” He ran his tongue over his bottom lip. “I have a few ideas of what we could do to celebrate, in fact.”  

“Yeah? What do you have in mind?” Finn asked, distracted by Poe’s tongue.  

“Well, I bought that lube, goddamn it. I still need to finger you properly. Although we were going to do that anyway, and it’s probably more of a present for me, so maybe we should do something else to celebrate.”  

Between them, Finn’s dick began to get interested in the proceedings again. “No, no, um. Fingering is good. I think I can probably not embarrass myself this time.”  

“Embarrass yourself? Jesus, Finn. If that’s what you look like when you’re embarrassed, I’m a little scared to see what you look like otherwise.”  

“I meant by not being able to stop myself from coming,” Finn replied, “But you're sweet.” He pulled Poe down for a kiss.  

“I know what you meant,” Poe grumbled. “What I mean is, I don’t care. You’re a miracle either way, every way.”  

“ _ Baby.” _ Finn took his mouth again. “Thank you.”  

Poe sank into Finn’s intoxicatingly sweet kisses. “Um,” he said at last, reluctantly breaking off. “Uh. I’m sorry. I should have been more clear. I’m not sure I really meant  _ now.  _ For, um. Celebrating. Fingering. All of that. Is that—is that ok? I just—this has been so nice, this has been wonderful, and I don’t want to risk anything. I’m sorry.”  

Finn smiled. “Yeah. Does that mean..maybe,” Finn’s hips shifted restlessly and he bit down on his lip, “Maybe after we have a wonderful uneventful night, we can reward both ourselves with it?”  

Poe stared at him for a long moment. “Um. I—I don’t want to make any promises.”   

“Yeah, I understand. Really, I do. It's fine.” Finn stroked down Poe's chest, over his arm, in comfort.  

“Thanks. Um.” Poe twisted his hands in his lap. “Did—do you—are you—s-sure you want to—to s-sleep here tonight?”  

Finn nudged Poe's chin toward him, and locked their eyes.  “Yes.”  

“Really?” Poe’s voice cracked. “We’re not going to regret this, are we?”  

“Nope.” Finn hoped the faith showed in his eyes.  

Poe hugged Finn hard and buried his face in Finn’s shoulder. “God, you’d be such a good dad. If you’re half as good at cheering them on as you are at cheering me on. I don’t know why you believe in me, but—but I'm so fucking glad you do.”   

Finn kneaded over Poe's tense shoulders. “I'm happy that you do. I worry I push too hard.”  

“You’re fine, love.” Poe relaxed into Finn’s embrace. “Anyway, if you did, I’d tell you.”  

“Thanks. That's, that's really reassuring.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's cheek.  

“Of course.” Poe kissed him back, then sighed, reluctant to leave Finn’s arms. “Um. Did you want to shower, or anything? I can get you pajamas, or whatever you need.”  

“I brought pajamas. I think I'll pass on the shower.” Finn sat up, stretching his arms, then grunting and massaging over his scar, which was stiff.  

“Ok. I also—shit,” Poe said, distracted by Finn’s movements. “Was that a—a bad position? Do you want me to massage it a little?”  

“I think I just need some lotion? And maybe a handsome mechanic to rub it in? No funny business, I promise.”  

“Hmm…” Poe pretended to ponder that, then dug the tube of lotion out of his nightstand. “Well, if you insist. What a chore.”  

Finn turned around, exposing his back to Poe. “You'll have to remind me that I owe you,” he teased.  

_ “You  _ owe  _ me?  _ Jesus, Finn. Don’t even start.” Poe warmed up a palmful of lotion, then spread it over Finn’s back. “Although really, there’s no way I would turn down a massage.” He smoothed the lotion into Finn’s skin, on and around the scar. “How do you ever do this for yourself? Can’t massage your own back, I would think.”  

Finn blushed. “I have a, um, loofah.”  

“Huh.” Poe worked out the knots along Finn’s scar one by one. “You know, I could buy one for my own shower, here. For you. If you wanted. Although massaging like this seems more fun.”  

“That would be really sweet.  _ Oh god _ , that feels good,” Finn groaned. “It wasn't the position, I just. Probably was hunched over the computer too much last night. I'll have to remember to do my stretches after I do schoolwork.”  

“Well, that’s a relief. Wouldn’t want to have to give up cuddling.”  

“Uh yeah, no. That would be a dealbreaker I think.”  

“Damn right,” Poe cackled. He rubbed the last of the lotion into Finn’s ass, then patted it for good measure. “All right, I think you’re all set. Take her for a spin and see how she feels.”  

Finn stood, folding over into a backbend, touching his toes, and sighing. He flexed his calves alternately. “Yeah, that's great, thank you.” He turned and placed a kiss on Poe's head before turning to leave the bedroom in search of his backpack.  

Poe yanked on his pajamas and headed for the bathroom to get ready for bed as quickly as he could.  

Finn brought his backpack back to the bedroom, and pulled his sweats and a tank top out. He sat on the edge of the bed as he waited for Poe to come back.  

“Do you want to put that in your drawer?” Poe leaned against the doorjamb.  

“I uh, I have a drawer?”  

“Yeah, of course, I told you—” Poe blinked. “Didn’t I tell you? I cleared a drawer for you! And, I mean, you can take whatever closet space you want, whatever you need, I can shove my shit somewhere else. The drawer just seemed like a good place to start. Here, right here—” Poe opened one of the top drawers of his bureau.  

Finn stood, emptying the rest of the contents of his backpack into the drawer. He pulled out his toothbrush. “I, um, bought a new one? So I could keep it here. Is that okay?”  

“Yeah, of course! Whatever you need, buddy.”  

Finn brushed his lips across Poe’s cheek. “I’ll be right back,” he murmured as he headed for the bathroom.  

Poe did his nightly knee exercises, then fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, thinking.  

When Finn came back, he paused at the door for a second, smiling a little despite the pensive look on Poe’s face. He rounded the bed, slipping in on his side, sliding his hand over the cool sheets and taking Poe’s hand in his. “If something bad happens tonight, Poe, it’s not the end. I meant what I said before. Sleeping together is great when it works, but if it doesn’t work for us, it doesn’t work for us. We’ll find a way around it.” He squeezed Poe’s fingers.  

Poe exhaled slowly, then nodded. “Can I get that in writing?” He attempted a smile. “Look, it’s—it’s not just the end of us that scares me, I—I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice scraped against his throat.  

“I know, baby. I know. And it’s not that I  _ want _ to be hurt, or anything. But I do want you. I want this.” Finn brought Poe’s hand to his lips.  

“Yeah.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand, then forced himself to let go. “Oh,” he said, reluctant to try to sleep. “Are  _ you  _ ok tonight? I didn’t even ask, shit, I’m sorry.  _ Zen  _ is there, on the nightstand, if you want it.” 

Finn smiled at him. “I was just about to ask for the book, actually. I’m, um. Nervous for us. Part of what I said earlier was to try and reassure myself, too. But he’s—I’ve been pretty quiet tonight. So I might read, but I think I might be able to get to sleep. I brought my Kindle, too, but I’m kind of hooked on this book. I can see why it’s your favorite.”  

“Glad you’re ok,” Poe said. “I’m really glad. You can borrow it if you like, you know.” He looked at his hands. “I’m sorry you’re nervous,” he said, very quietly. “It’s ok if you want to sleep on the couch, or something. Or go home, I can drive you.”  

Finn shook his head. “It'd be weird if I wasn't nervous, right?” He scooted over, placed a kiss on Poe's cheek, and scooted back. “But I'm here to stay.”  

“You should feel  _ safe.”  _ Poe’s voice cracked. “Not nervous, fuck.”  

“I'm here. To  _ stay. _ ”  

Poe bit his lip hard.  _ Listen to him. For fuck’s sake,  _ listen  _ to him, Dameron.  _ “Ok,” he whispered at last. “Ok.”  

“I love you, baby.” Finn blew him a kiss.  

“I love you too.” Poe looked at Finn one last time, memorizing the way the light fell along the soft planes of his face. “Good night.” He flicked off the lamp, pulled the blankets up over his shoulders, and huddled along the edge of the bed, as far from Finn as he could.  

Finn watched the uncomfortable lump of Poe, and chewed his lip. He had to—he had to give Poe this chance for himself. So he set the book away, and worked slowly through his relaxation routine. Sometime in the middle of his second time through, he fell asleep. When he slept, Finn’s dreams were strange. 

Poe rolled over again, unable to fall asleep. He listened to the soothing rhythm of Finn’s breath for a moment, trying to take comfort in it.  _ I don’t know what to do, Mamá. I love him. I want this to work, so badly. _

_ Please, God.  _ If he were alone, he’d light the votive—but he didn’t want to get out of bed and risk waking Finn.  _ Watch over us. Let us be ok. Please.  _

Poe fixed his eyes on the steady rise and fall of Finn’s chest and repeated his prayer until the words tangled together in the darkness. 


	22. Morning after the fancy dinner

Poe woke up with a strangled gasp and sat up, hands clawed in the sheets, heart pounding.  

Finn blinked, sensing the difference in bed. “Mmmph’okay?” he struggled to say.  

Morning. Light. Bed. Candle. Photos. Bureau. Wrong place. His bed. Room. Person. Talking. Poe jumped to face him, overbalanced, and nearly fell out of bed. “What. What—” He blinked. “Finn.” _No. No no no no no, please, no—_ “What did I do?” Poe croaked.  

Finn blinked some more, trying to get his brain to catch up. “Is’morning?”  

Poe squinted at Finn, looking for marks. “What did I do?” he rasped, sick to his stomach. “Shit, shit, shit. Are you—are you—”  

The panic in Poe's voice woke Finn quickly. “I'm fine. I'm fine, Poe. Did you—did you have a nightmare?”

“You’re ok? Really? But—” Poe’s breath caught in his throat. “Please don’t lie to me,” he whispered. “Did I hurt you?”  

Finn shook his head quickly. “No, no, baby, you didn't. I just woke up.” He smiled at Poe.  

“I—I didn’t? At all?” Poe stared at him. “You’re ok?”   

“Yeah. I mean, I had weird dreams last night, but, yeah, I'm okay.”  

“Oh.” Poe hugged his elbows to his chest, trying to make sense of the world. “I’m sorry. Do you want to—to talk about it?”  

“Are _you_ okay, Poe?” Finn edged closer.  

“Maybe?” Poe shivered. “You’re sure you—did I—are you—”   

“Can I hold you?”  

“Yeah?” Poe tried to figure out how to hug Finn. His body wasn’t responding properly. “You’re sure,” he said again, brain stuck on the thought. “You’re sure I didn’t—”  

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe, whispering in his ear. “You just woke up, and you didn't do anything before that. You're safe, and I'm safe, and we made it through, bad dreams or not.”  

“You’re—you— _really?”_ Poe leaned back and cupped Finn’s face in his hands. His own face started to crease into a smile, hardly daring to believe it.  

“Yeah, baby.” Finn couldn't help smiling wide at Poe's face.  

Poe wrapped Finn into his arms and hugged him fiercely, rocking them in place on the bed. Hope cracked open between his ribs, raw and buoyant. “You’re ok? Oh, thank god. You’re ok, you’re ok, you’re ok.”  

“Yeah,” Finn murmured, holding Poe close to him. “I'm totally good. Great, even.”  

“Oh god. I’m so glad. I’m so fucking glad.” Poe buried his head in Finn’s shoulder. “We could do this,” he whispered. “We could really do this.”  

“We _are_ doing it. One night at a time.” Finn tipped Poe's face up so he could kiss him, slow and sweet.  

“I love you.” Poe kissed him back, dizzy with relief. “Oh god, I love you so much. We did it. We’re ok. I can’t believe it. I mean, maybe this is a one-time good fluke, and I’m sure more shit will come, but we did it, it worked, we did it, you're amazing, we’re ok—”  

Finn rubbed over Poe's back. “You're amazing, too, baby. I love you so much.”  

“You said you had dreams.” Poe tried to wipe his tears on his shoulder. “Weird dreams. Do you want to talk about it?”  

“I dreamt I was being drowned... in kittens. It was weird. But also fluffy.”   

“What?” Poe leaned back to look at Finn. “Huh. That…sounds like a pretty bad dream? Or good, maybe, if you really like kittens, I don’t know.”  

“Weird,” Finn decided. “But the point is, I slept. So hey, look at us.”  

“We did it.” Poe grinned at Finn, flush with joy. “We really did it. We could really do this. God, I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.”  

“Yes, we can. And I think we should celebrate.” Finn kissed him, thoroughly. “Do you want waffles? With strawberries and whipped cream?”  

“Celebrate.” Poe drew the word out slowly. “I don’t know, man, we were talking about ways to celebrate last night. Waffles sound good, but—” He cut his eyes at Finn.  

Finn's breath caught in his throat. “Ye-yeah?”  

Poe shrugged. “Whatever you want to do. Up to you.”  

Finn traced over Poe's soft pajama tee. “If you—if you—" Finn paused, getting himself under control. “If you want to finger me, I promise you, I will make you the best damn waffles you've ever tasted.”  

“Buddy.” Poe caught Finn’s hand between his. “I feel so fucking invincible right now, I want to do _everything_ with you. You want to make me waffles, fine, wonderful, but I’m not trading sex for food here. I just want to celebrate. You’re a college student, I’m a—decent human being, at least for one morning, fuck—” Poe cleared his throat. “Anyway. I just want to make you feel good.”  

Finn squeezed Poe's fingers. “I really want to feel good,” he breathed.  

“Good.” Poe grinned at him. “What’s the plan?”  

“I—let me go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, take my pills?”  

“Right, yeah, yeah. Good call. I should do that too.” Poe clambered off the bed and held out a hand to Finn.  

Finn let himself be pulled up, and into a hug. He sunk into it, thumping Poe lightly on the back and rocking with him. When he pulled back, he offered his arm to Poe. “Shall we?”  

“We shall.” Poe took his arm, walked him to the bathroom, and bowed. “After you, sir.”  

Finn kissed him on the cheek, then went in, taking care of his business quickly. He brushed his teeth, scrubbed over his face, and opened the door again, feeling a little more fresh.  

Poe finished stretching, then took his turn in the bathroom. Washed and ready, he stared at himself in the mirror for a moment, then squared his shoulders and high-fived his reflection. _We’re gonna do this._ He popped back out into the bedroom ready to face to world, or at least have sex with his boyfriend.  

Finn met Poe in the hallway, after getting water in the kitchen for his pills. He felt a thrill down to his toes, like all his nerve endings were waking up, at the look on Poe's face. He just looked… so relaxed and happy.  

“So.” Poe followed Finn back to the bedroom, then hopped up onto the bed. “Plan. What’s the plan?”  

Finn stood before Poe, and lifted his tank top off, then caressed Poe's face. “I'm taking you at your word, and hoping I won't explode early like last night. Will you please finger me?”  

“Buddy. Come whenever the hell you want to. And yes, god, yes, I would love to.” Poe nabbed the lube from the nightstand, tossed it onto the bed, and pulled Finn closer by the drawstring of his sweats. “So fucking gorgeous.”  

Finn sucked his breath in, watching Poe's sturdy fingers pull him forward. “Thank you.”  

Poe undid the knot, then slid Finn’s sweats down and off. “This half, too,” he said, mouth dry. “Also fucking gorgeous. How did I ever get so lucky?”  

“Who knows?” Finn replied with a smile, sweeping through Poe's hair. “Divine intervention?”  He eased down onto the bed, onto his back.  

“Gotta be. I mean, I pay my taxes, but there’s no way I built up enough karma for someone like you.” Poe toppled over beside Finn, pulled him in close, and kissed him.  

“Mmmm.” Finn smiled up at him. “You getting naked too, or am I the only one on display?”  

“Well, I’d love to, but—” Poe ran his fingers through Finn’s hair. “My hands are kinda busy here.”  

“Mmm,” Finn said again, closing his eyes. “You have the best hands.”  

“So do you, my man,” Poe murmured.  

Finn ran his hand down Poe's side and lifted his hem. “You want it off?”  

“Please.” Poe had to lift his hands to let Finn pull his shirt off, but he returned to his explorations as soon as he could. He kissed his way down Finn’s neck, searching for the spots Finn loved most.  

Finn sighed as he let his hands warm against Poe's skin. He slipped Poe's pajama pants down and watched Poe kick them away.

“What was I saying about good hands? Oh, right. Your hands. Best hands. They’ve got these calluses that just feel so good, I don’t know, man, they’re good calluses, and they’re always warm, like—are you a furnace, or something? Because damn, they’re perfect. And you're always so fucking gentle, but at the same time you can carry me across the entire fucking house, I know, because you’ve done it before and I’m desperately hoping you’ll do it again someday.” Poe paused in the middle of his ramblings to kiss Finn’s collarbone. Priorities.  

“I love your mouth, what you do with it, and what comes out of it.” Finn ran those callused hands over Poe's back, smiling.  

“What comes out of it? Or what goes into it?” Poe slid down over Finn’s body, tracing the lines of his abs, then settled onto his haunches over Finn’s thighs. “Never mind, some other time. Today we have a plan.”  

“ _Definitely_ what goes into it, though,” Finn replied with a husky laugh.  

Poe traced his bottom lip with his tongue. “Yeah, put that on the list. But now…” He shoved a pillow beneath Finn’s hips, nudged Finn’s thighs apart, and knelt between them. “Now,” he said, eyes catching on the dusky furl of Finn’s hole. “Now,” he said again, dazed.  

“Now,” Finn agreed. He shifted restlessly.  

“Ok.” Poe rested a hand on Finn’s hip to ground himself and looked around the bed. “Lube, lube, where’d I put the lube? Oh, there.” He lunged to grab it, uncapped the bottle, and slicked up his fingers. “Baby.” He met Finn’s eyes and ran his finger around Finn’s tight rim. “Tell me what you need.”  

“I need to be filled. Please, Poe.”  

Poe stared at him, eyes wide. “That’s…I gotta say, buddy, I wasn’t really expecting dirty talk there. I just meant, like. Tell me what you want me to do. But uh. That, uh. You sound good. Saying that.”  

“I, um. Thanks.” Finn smiled down at him.   

Finn’s smile lit up his entire face like the best sunrise Poe had ever seen. “Yeah,” he said faintly, holding Finn’s eyes, then slid his first finger into Finn’s hole.  

Finn moaned under his breath. It had been a while, months, since Finn had had someone else do this, and it always felt better. But watching Poe, looking at the concentration on his face, the love, the desire—he'd made the right choice, with Poe. He knew it deep in his bones.  

Each noise Finn made went straight to Poe’s cock, intoxicating and perfect. “I’ve got you, love,” he murmured. He held tight to Finn’s hip and worked his finger in as deep as it would go.  

“Yes, Poe. Good.” Finn kept his head tipped up. He wanted to watch Poe take him apart for as long as he could stand.  

Poe smiled down at Finn. “Yeah?” He added another finger, sooner than he’d thought he’d be able to, which— _oh._ “Look,” he managed. “This is way outta line, so feel free to tell me to shut the fuck, but—uh—I mean this in the nicest possible way, I swear—you’re—looser than I expected? And now all I can think of is—maybe you—finger yourself,” he muttered, face flaming. “Because now I can’t get the image out of my head, and it’s incredible, but—I’m sorry, I don’t mean—” He shook his head. “Fuck, sorry, forget it.”  

Finn flushed. “I do,” he replied, whisper quiet. “I, um. I'm an okay top, okay? Like I've got good size and power and um, it feels good.” He turned his face away. “But yeah. I finger myself. I like to feel full. Love it.”  

“Baby.” Poe clambered up over Finn and kissed him, trying to keep scissoring him with his fingers at the same time. Fuck bad wrist angles, he’d live. “That’s—I just—I want to see you, sometime, that’s all I meant, I—god, you must look incredible.”   

Finn pushed his hips up against Poe's fingers. “Yeah? I—" He broke off for a moan, _fuck,_ it felt so much better when Poe did it. “I could do that sometime. If you play your cards right.” He flashed a grin at Poe. “Give me another?” Against his stomach, his cock was leaking.  

“I don’t know, man, have you earned it yet?” Poe slid back down and angled his fingers better, searching for Finn’s prostate.  

“MmmphhhhhhohPoemmmm.”  

“Now _that’s_ what I like to hear.” Poe grinned at him and added a third finger. “Fuck, you look good like this too,” he added quietly. Finn’s hole swallowed up his fingers, slick with lube and a few drops of pre-cum sliding down from Finn’s cock.  

Finn was pretty sure he was nearing the time when he wouldn't be able to make coherent words or phrases anymore, too high from pleasure, so he tried to do it one last time. “Fuck, you're amazing and I love you so much.” He hoped it was coherent anyway. He threw his head back on the pillows and thrust up with his hips, chasing perfection.  

Poe gripped Finn’s cock again, eyes intent on Finn’s. “Baby.” His hand stilled. “Do you want—I can—” He swallowed. “Do you want me to—to. I’d really like to—to be in you.”  

Finn stilled, every nerve screaming _YES._ “Are you sure?”  

“So fucking sure.”  

“Yes. Yes. Fuck yes. Yes. All the yes.”

“Ok. Ok. Oh god.” _Hope I haven’t forgotten how to do this._ Poe withdrew his fingers, slicked up his cock, and positioned himself, heart pounding. “You—” If there was more to that sentence, he forgot it the moment his cock breached Finn’s rim. “Oh holy fuck,” he whispered. “God, you feel—you feel—” He slid in as slowly as he could.  

Finn had lost his words; instead, he just tried to keep up those noises Poe seemed to like, interspersed with “Good” and “Baby” and “Fuck.” Poe was filling him, he was brimming with Poe. He angled his hips up, bending his knees to welcome Poe home, and Poe slid in even deeper somehow. When Finn moaned this time, it was low and deep, against Poe's shoulder.  

Poe braced himself on his elbows, kissed Finn, and gave an experimental thrust, searching for the right angle. Finn’s heat enveloped him, dizzying and perfect. “Beautiful,” he murmured, not sure he remembered how to talk. “So fucking beautiful, sweetheart.”  

Poe's praise brought tears to Finn's eyes, or maybe it was the perfect way Poe felt inside him. “Th-th-thanks. So good, Poe. It’s so good.”  

“I’ve got you, baby.” Poe kissed Finn again, dazed with arousal. He wouldn’t last long, he could feel it, not balls-deep in the most wonderful man he’d ever met. He fucked Finn slowly, deeply, aiming for the spot that made Finn moan the loudest.  

Finn wrapped one arm around Poe's back, splaying his fingers across, and the other between them, where he was hard, and aching, and just needed—just needed something—

“Let me?” Poe murmured hoarsely. He wrapped his hand around Finn’s cock and stroked him in time with his thrusts, buried his head in Finn’s shoulder and thrust harder, faster, flying.  

“ _Poe—fuck—"_ Finn stilled as he came, clenching down around Poe's cock, attempting to milk it dry and bring Poe over the edge with him. Between them, his cum was smeared, and his heart was throbbing, and he _loved,_ he just _loved_ so much.  

There was nothing in the whole world so wonderful as the way Finn groaned as he came, mouth parted, hips jutting up against Poe’s. Poe thrust in deep again, lost his breath entirely, and came, safe in the arms of his beloved, enveloped in Finn’s lush heat.  

Finn wrapped his arms tight around Poe, wanting to keep him as close as possible for as long as possible. “ _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou,”_ Finn kept whispering in his ear.  

“I love you too,” Poe managed, when he could figure out how to talk again. “Oh god. You are—that was—” He gave up on words and just breathed, listening to Finn’s heartbeat.   

“Tell me we never have to move again.”  

“Uh-uh.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder and laid his head back down on Finn’s chest.  

“Yay,” Finn sighed. He lazily stroked over Poe's sweaty back. “This was. This was really fucking good.”  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed up at him. “I was pretty sure I’d forgotten how to do that.”  

Finn snorted. “No, I'd say you're just hitting your stride, actually.”  

“Really.” Poe propped his chin on Finn’s chest. “Well. We may have to repeat this experiment. In a year or two, of course, once I get my strength back.”  

Finn laughed, happy. “I know what might help you get your strength back.”  

“Does it involve kissing?” Poe wasn’t sure he’d ever stop smiling.  

“No, but that's an excellent idea, too.” Finn brought Poe up for a kiss, the kind that was so slow it may as well be syrup. “No, I was thinking of waffles. And maybe sausage. And some potatoes.”  

“Pffft. Doesn’t even compare.” Poe kissed Finn again, then sighed. “But I don’t want you to faint on me. So let’s—no, wait, shit. I don’t have _any_ of that, sorry. I have eggs! Bread! You can make french toast with that? Or we could go out, if you want. Or back to your place.”   

“I don't have any of that either so... Do you want to be stereotypical gays and go to brunch with me? I'll even pay this time.”  

“Is that stereotypical?” Poe shrugged. “Everyone goes to brunch. We’d have to put on clothes, but otherwise that sounds like a reasonable plan.”  

“Mmm, let's give it a little more time. You're comfy. Kinda like kittens.”  

“Mmm? No fur, sorry. But I won’t drool on you either, so there’s a plus.” Poe settled in more comfortably over Finn, trying to keep most of his weight braced on his elbows. “Shit, wait, I should go clean you up, hang on, I’m pretty sure I can get my legs to move.” He pulled out of Finn with a regretful sigh, slid off, and steadied himself against the edge of the bed. “Jesus. I think you turned me into noodles.”  

“Turnabout’s fair play?” Finn stretched his arms over his head, sighing happily.  

“I would never do that to you.” Poe admired the way Finn’s body arched into the stretch, graceful and powerful and spattered with cum. “God, you’re so—” He shook his head and went to grab a cloth from the bathroom. “Beautiful,” he said, walking up to the bed again. “So fucking beautiful, and _mine.”_ He dabbed gently at Finn’s cock and stomach, then his own.  

“All yours,” Finn practically purred.  

“Mmm?” Poe kissed him.  

“All yours, always.” _Forever._ Finn sat up, pulling Poe gently into his lap for another kiss.  

Poe tossed the cloth in the vague direction of his hamper and snuggled into Finn’s lap, boneless and sated.   

Finn traced circles over the skin of Poe's back, his lips lazily pressing to Poe's, or to his cheek, or his shoulder.  

“Love you,” Poe murmured between kisses. “Thank you. For—for taking things slow for me. For waiting. This was so fucking worth the wait.”   

“It was. It really was. I know—I have complicated feelings about what I did before. But I'm glad to be here now, with you.”  

“It’s ok to have complicated feelings.” Poe kissed the smooth button of Finn’s nose. “Hell, I think I’ve had a complicated feeling before. Maybe even two.” He sobered. “I’m glad this is working for you now.”  

“I was so scared. To try something with you. With anyone.” Finn rested his head on Poe's shoulder.  

“But you did.” Poe stroked the back of Finn’s head. “You’re so fucking brave, buddy, I can’t even believe it. Look, _I_ was scared too, so I more or less gave up on the whole deal. Why did you try it?”  

Finn tried to think back to the moment in Poe's kitchen. “I, um, figured it was easier than heading into battle?”  

“Jesus,” Poe snorted. “I guess? Pretty damn close, though. I don’t think I valued my life then nearly as much as I value my sanity now.”  

Finn chewed that over for a second. “That…that makes more sense than it doesn't. But I hope…I hope I haven't been too much of a negative impact.”  

“No, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple. “Not at all.”  

“Ok, good.”  

“And you?” Poe murmured, stomach clenching.  

Finn kissed Poe to reassure him. “Yeah. Yeah. Net positive, for sure.”  

“‘Net’?”  

“Everything that has happened, in the end, I'm happier than I've been in...maybe my entire life.”  

“Yeah? Huh. I'm glad, baby.” Poe hesitated. “You know, it's easier than I thought it would be. I mean, all the shit that's happened, I expected it, I guess, I knew it'd be really hard. But I never—I never thought about the good stuff that could happen too.”  

Finn nuzzled into Poe's neck and placed kisses there. “It's a lot easier to focus on the negative. I'm really glad you decided to do this anyway.”  

“Me too.” Poe rested his head against Finn’s. “God, I really never expected to be cuddling in my boyfriend's lap on a Saturday morning, not in my lifetime.”  

“And think of how many more Saturdays we get to do this again.” Finn found Poe's hand and squeezed tight.  

“Damn right.” Poe grinned at him. _As long as I don't fuck up again._  

“As much as I could stay here all day, I think my stomach is about to embarrass me again.” Finn readjusted Poe in his arms. “Want a lift someplace? I'd like to take a shower, but you can go first if you want. My arms are at your service.”  

“Right.” Poe cleared his throat. “Um. You should probably go first.”  

“Okay,” Finn replied easily. “Still willing to carry you anywhere, if you want. Or tuck you right back into bed until I'm done, that's an option, too.”  

“Ha.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek and reluctantly slid off his lap. “Going to take you up on both of those some other time.”  

Finn leaned over to press a light kiss on Poe's stomach, reluctant to stop touching him. He stood, stretching up, then down to touch his toes. “Man that massage was way better than my loofah.”  

“Yeah? Still going to buy one for you to have here, if you want. Also happy to provide a massage wherever, whenever you like.”  

Finn straightened. “I am definitely going to take you up on that again.” He brushed a kiss over Poe's cheek, grabbed his supplies, and headed off to the bathroom, whistling.  

Poe took a moment to straighten up the room, then flopped back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling, committing everything from the night before to this morning to memory. He’d have a lot to imagine the next night he slept alone, that was for sure. And it had worked, they’d been ok, they’d be ok.  

Finn washed efficiently as he'd always done, a habit born years ago from never wanting to take too much hot water so that his dad or his current girlfriend wouldn't run out while they were in. “No. You're not allowed here,” Finn said aloud, and it echoed along the tiles. The thought petered away reluctantly, but Finn still didn't linger. He bent over to wash himself, to feel where Poe had stretched him wide, and that was a better distraction. He allowed himself to take a minute, to feel the pleasant used soreness of the stretch and the slipperiness of Poe's cum. When he was clean, he reluctantly removed his fingers and turned off the water.  

Poe sat back up as Finn reentered the bedroom, hips wrapped in a towel, smelling like his own favorite soap. “Damn,” he said faintly. “I really think it’s a shame to shove you into clothes.”  

Finn grinned back. “The feeling is mutual. But, needs must. I'm starving, and restaurants are so strict about the no shirt, no shoes thing.” He went to his drawer, then dropped the towel and wiggled his ass in Poe's direction. “Though that doesn't say anything about pants.”  

“I know,” Poe sighed. “I tried to convince my dad to let me walk in like that when I was little, but he wouldn’t let me.” He allowed himself a moment to drink in the glorious curve of Finn’s ass, then swallowed and straightened up. “Um.” He clenched his hands in his lap. “I’m going to shower now. Uh. If you could, um. It would be helpful if you didn’t, uh, make any sudden noises? If you could just, um. Stay quiet. Please. Until I’m out again?”  

Finn had finished pulling on clean boxers, but turned at the sound of distress in Poe's voice. He sat beside him, taking one of Poe's tight hands in his. “Of course I can do that. Never be afraid to ask, baby. Never be ashamed.” He rubbed along Poe's arm.  

“Thank you.” Poe nodded at Finn. “Thank you. Um. Ok.” _I can do this._ He reluctantly stepped out of Finn’s grip and went to take a shower. _You’re safe,_ he said, feeling the water sluice down over his shoulders. _You’re safe._

The moment Poe was reasonably clean, he shut off the water, dried off his face, and stepped out of the tub, taking deep breaths to calm down. _I did it. Ok. One more day._ He wrapped himself in a towel and went back to the bedroom to get dressed.  

Finn had dressed in jeans and a tee, and was folding and putting away his pajamas in _his_ drawer, when Poe came back, quiet and subdued. Finn bit his lip, unsure of how Poe would want him to be—quiet or talkative? “Hey,” he ventured.  

“Hey.” Poe joined Finn at the bureau, pulled out a set of clean clothes, and started yanking them on.  

Finn grabbed his phone and wallet and looked around for his shoes. “I just realized I thought everything through except I'm going to have to wear the damn dress shoes again today.”  

“I mean—” Poe cocked his head at Finn’s feet. “Do you want to borrow a pair of mine? You might fit, we should be about the same size.”  

“Yes, could I please? I know they look okay but I really hate wearing them, they pinch.” Finn smiled at Poe. “Hey, um. After your shower, what do you need from me? Like, should I not touch you, or be quiet, or? I just don't want to mess up and trigger you.”  

“Oh. Um.” Poe looked at his hands. “I don’t—I don’t know?” His shoulders jerked up, down. “There’s nothing you really need to _do,_ I just—it’ll take me a little while to get back into myself, that’s all. You’re ok, buddy.”   

Finn placed a hand gently on Poe's shoulder, feeling relieved. “Thanks for telling me that. It helps. It helps me relearn.” He lifted the hand quickly again. “A pair of sandals would probably work.”  

“Gotcha. I’ve got an extra pair in the shoe-pile by the door.” Poe shoved the bureau drawers shut again, then turned to Finn. “Ready to go?”  

“Yup.” Finn held out his arm. “May I escort you, sir?”  

“Why, certainly.” Poe took Finn’s arm and walked to the door with him. “Here, these should fit. Adjustable straps if they don’t, or I can try to find you something else.”  

Finn slipped in, and they fit perfectly. “Hey, that's handy.” He grinned and looked over at Poe. “Pretty sure this means you're my Prince Charming.”  

“I’m…not sure that’s how the story works, but ok.” Poe smiled back. “Want to walk into town? It’s not far.”   

“Yeah,” Finn exhaled, and he wasn't sure if the smile on his face could go any wider without bursting it.  

“God, you’re cute,” Poe said before his brain caught up to his mouth. “Um. All right, let’s go.” He locked the door behind them and set off down the street towards town.  


	23. Morning after the fancy dinner part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe spend a morning getting brunch, pulling weeds, and discussing kinks, so you know, the usual.
> 
> CW: Panic attack

Finn held his hand out for Poe as they walked.  

Poe took it and swung their hands together, basking in the sunshine. “So, Prince Charming,” he said. “You going to hold a ball?”  

“Maybe. I'd only want to dance with one person, though.”  

“Really! They must be one lucky person.”  

“Yeah, they are. Kind of oblivious, but I think they're coming around,” Finn teased.  

“Hey, I resemble that remark.” Poe nudged Finn’s side. “But I did come. Around.”  

Finn snorted. “Around, over, inside,” he said sotto voce.  

“Damn right,” Poe nodded. “So did you, if I remember correctly.”  

“Mmmmhmmmmm.” The sound was long and drawn out, though Finn giggled at the end.  

“You might even come again someday, if I have anything to say about it.”  

“I'm holding you to that. I've got certain expectations now.” Finn pulled Poe's hand up for a kiss.  

“Uh-oh. What did you call me, a sex fiend? I think I’ve created another one. And I have no regrets.”  

Finn glanced around the empty street. “Hey, um, you know last night, when you told me not to come?”  

“Y-yeah?” Poe stumbled a little. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—I won’t do it again.”   

“No, wait. It's just. I found that like,  _ unbearably  _ hot. Obviously.” Finn chewed his lip. “This is probably a conversation for my therapist. But I just wonder, you know? Is that because of my issues? Because I’d like to, um. Try that again sometime, but, but then I'm not sure. Does that make sense?”   

“Really.” Poe stared at Finn for the next several steps, wide-eyed. “Um,” he coughed. “Well. I liked it too. I liked it a lot. Um.” He drew a deep breath. “I don’t think—I mean, definitely talk about it with your therapist if you want, or if it makes you feel weird, or anything like that. But—I’m sure you’ve heard Snap talk about kink by now, he’s very into it. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. I have to say, I’ve never thought about it very much before. I definitely don’t want to do any of the—the—the other stuff, though.”    

“No, no, of course, I understand. Yeah. Um. Nothing that’s like punishment for me. I—I. Yeah. You know.” Finn’s fingers tightened around Poe’s involuntarily.  

“Yeah.” Poe took a long breath to steady himself. “Yeah, I think we’re on the same page about that, at least. Um. But you wanted to do some—other stuff? Like what?”   

Finn shrugged a little. “I don’t know—I don’t know a whole lot. I mean Snap’s always going on about the consent aspect, so mostly I just know that I’m supposed to be bringing it up. But um,” Finn rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I really liked when you told me not to come and I think that maybe I’d like to—to try that again? Not coming until you tell me?”  

“Uh.” Poe’s pants were uncomfortably tight. “I would—I would. I would really like that. Jesus.” He snuck a glance at Finn. “I think I could keep that up for a good long time, if you wanted.”  

“Yeah?” Finn cleared his throat. “Yeah, um. I’d like to try that sometime.” Finn laughed a little. “Sorry, this was really bad timing to talk about it. But, um, thank you for listening.”  

“Yeah, of course, buddy. Any time.” Poe thought for a moment. “Did you like just that order in particular, or being given orders in general?”  

“You’ve, um. You’ve ordered me a couple of other times, too? In the car, you told me not to touch myself. Your voice got kinda low, and growly, but not angry. And I um, definitely did not think about that while fingering myself the next day. Nope.”  

“You…” Poe’s voice trailed off. He waved to Mrs. Watson, working in her front garden on the corner of the main street, then walked down the block in a daze. “Fucking hell,” he whispered as they arrived at the Farmstead’s striped awning. “You can’t just  _ say  _ things like that. How am I supposed to walk in there now?” He pressed a hand over his mouth to cover his smile.  

Finn laughed, brushing a kiss over Poe’s cheek. “Sorry.” He turned, opening the door for Poe, when he paused in his tracks to read the sign over again. “Hey, they’re, um. They’re hiring. For the kitchen.” Suddenly blood rushed to his head, making it pound, and he couldn’t take a full breath.  

“That’s awesome, buddy! Do you want to apply?” Poe took a closer look at Finn and pulled him outside again, letting the door swing shut. “You ok? You look weird.”  

“I can’t—I can’t—" Finn sat down hard on the bench they had outside for people waiting for a table.  

“You’re ok,” Poe said calmly, taking his hands and sitting next to him. “Everything’s ok. You’re going to breathe for me now, ok? Come on, count with me. You can do it.”  

Finn sucked a breath in, counting with Poe, and pushed it out. Again. And again.  

“There you go.” Poe pulled Finn into his arms and stroked his back, quietly counting a series of slow breaths. He smiled at the Reyes family as they passed, giving him and Finn curious looks. He kept Finn’s head tucked into his shoulder, protected from random stares.  

Finn’s breath slowly steadied out again, the feel of Poe’s gentle hand on his back helping him get something close to calm. “I hate that,” he whispered. “I hate it. It’s like a sucker punch. And then I’ve ruined the morning.”  

“Not ruined,” Poe murmured. “We had a great date. And now we can get a nice quiet brunch, or I can walk you home and make you something there, or just leave you there and you can take a break, sleep it off until you feel better.” He pressed a soft kiss to Finn’s head. “I’m sorry it happened. Sorry it hurts.”  

“I’ll—I’ll—" Finn took another deep breath. “I can do this, right? He just—he doesn’t want me to. So he hits me with anxiety.”  

“Of course you can. I told you, remember? You’ve got this.”  

Finn nodded against Poe’s shoulder. “Yeah. Yeah. I’ve got this.” His voice didn’t sound very determined to him, but he shook it off as the best he could muster. “And this morning I want to have breakfast with my boyfriend. And maybe not think about working here.”  

“There, that sounds like a plan.” Poe rocked them in place a little. “And we can stay right here as long as you need to, ok? No rush.”  

Finn took him at his word, let himself be rocked for a while before finally sitting up, hand still clutching Poe’s. “Okay. Okay, I think I can do this now.”  

“You sure?”  

“Yeah. Part of it might be that I’m hungry. I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with a panic attack, huh?”  

“True. Maybe waffles will cure you.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek, then took his hand again. “Proud of you, buddy. You’re so fucking brave.”  

“Right back at you. That had to be embarrassing. I’m sorry.”  

Poe shrugged and held the door open for Finn. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but—I’m just glad it wasn’t me, for once. I’ve had a panic attack in town before, a couple of times, and it wasn’t fun. They know I’m a weirdo, and they don’t care. People mind their own business around here.”  

Finn caressed the small of Poe’s back as he went by. “No one thinks you’re a weirdo, honey. But thank you, that does help a bit.” He smiled at the hostess, and held up two fingers. “Two, please.” 

She nodded, grabbing two menus and preparing to lead them to a table when Finn was startled by something clinging onto his leg. He jumped, adrenaline still pumping through his veins.

“Finn!” 

It was the Reyes boy. Aaron? Finn couldn’t quite remember, though he’d shown him how to do an oil change the last time, when the kid wouldn’t stop pestering his little sister and his mom had looked about ready to explode with exasperation. “Hey, little buddy. How are you doing?”

Mrs. Reyes rushed in behind him, looking horrified. “I’m sorry, Finn, he got away from me.” 

Aaron was tugging on his jeans. “You okay?” 

Finn blushed. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m so sorry, Finn, we didn’t mean to—"

Finn held up a hand, then ruffled it through Aaron’s hair. “No, it’s okay. Really. Um.” He looked back at Poe for help, or guidance, or something.  

Poe crouched down beside Aaron. “Finn’s fine, buddy. He had a panic attack. That means you get really really scared suddenly, even if everything’s actually ok. It happens to some people, but they’re completely fine afterwards. Happens to me too, sometimes.”  

Finn began to breathe a little easier again. Aaron looked at Poe with his big, serious brown eyes, and suddenly Finn was struck by how much he liked that image. “Yeah, it’s okay. Sometimes my brain just thinks it isn’t.”

“Okay,” Aaron replied, with the easiness of a child, and hugged Finn’s leg again before running off.

Mrs. Reyes swept a hand over her face. “That boy, I swear.” She spoke in Spanish to Poe, and he grinned, and replied. To Finn, she squeezed his arm. “Thank you for being patient with him, just like always. You don’t even know. You’ve become a household name. I’ve caught Aaron taking my good cooking oil out to the backyard so he can ‘repair cars like Mr. Finn’ more times than I can count.” She went up on tiptoe, kissing his cheek quickly. “So thank you.” With a nod at Poe, she headed back to her kids.  

“Sorry, Marisa.” Poe shrugged at the hostess. 

“Don’t worry about it.” She led them to a quiet booth in the back, handed them their menus, and smiled. “I’ll be back in a few.” 

“Thank you.” Poe looked across the table and studied Finn’s face. “Uh-oh. You’ve got that look on your face again, and I still haven’t figured it out.”  

Finn reached across to take Poe’s hand. “Just. You’d look good, as a father. I mean, not like, handsome, like. It suits you. I totally froze.”  

“Oh no no no, baby, don’t you do that. I saw you with Aaron the other day. He was eating out of your hand. I’ve never seen him laugh so hard.”  

Finn looked down at his lap. “Well. That family deserves better. Mrs. Reyes deserves better, you know?”  

“Everyone deserves better,” Poe said softly. “But they’re doing all right now, no? I see her at the farmer’s market every week, selling cookies. Makes a killing off it.”  

“Her cookies are  _ amazing. _ ” Finn squeezed Poe’s hand. “Thank you, all around. Best boyfriend ever.”  

“Ahhhh, I knew you had a secret sweet tooth.” Poe grinned at him. “Thank you, sweetheart. But I happen to know I’m also the  _ only  _ boyfriend you’ve ever had, so I have a pretty low bar to clear.”  

“Mmm, fair. But you also beat out the several girlfriends I’ve had. Except Suzi, in 1st grade. I mean. She gave me a pencil, and let me sit with her at lunch, and  _ kissed _ me,  _ on the cheek. _ That’s pretty hard to beat.” Finn grinned right back.  

“True! Damn.” Poe thought about it. “I’ll have to get you a pencil, then. I’ve done all of the rest of it. Although I could always do it again. Hmm. Maybe I should go find her and ask her for some tips.”  

“That was…” Finn closed his eyes, trying to remember. “That was Slip’s mom, so Detroit proper.  So, uh, start there, I guess.”  

_ Yeah, should have know that was a stupid thing to say.  _ “Well. I’ll see if I run into any trouble. But first, pencils. Oooh, I know what. I’ll get you one of those mechanical pencil thingies. That’s a step up, no?”  

Finn willed himself away from the memories brought closer to the surface by the panic attack, and looked back at Poe, smiling. “That’s totally a step up. Oo, or a highlighter. I’m learning all about note-taking in this college survival class.”  

“Good call, good call. I’ll get you an entire rainbow of highlighters. Think that’ll win me the Best Boyfriend Or Girlfriend Of All Time Ever award?”  

“I mean, I make no promises. Judging is notoriously skewed toward Russia. But I can try to put in a good word for you.” Finn laughed, blowing a kiss at Poe.  

Poe grinned at him, lost in the bright glint of Finn’s eyes. “Well, tell me who I need to bribe, ok?”  

Marisa passed by. “Did you guys need more time, or-?”

Finn blushed. “Oh, um, I haven’t even looked yet. Sorry.” He picked up the menu. 

“It’s okay, hun. Don’t worry. Can I get you started on anything to drink while you look?”

Finn looked back up at her. “Oh, um. I’d take water, and a coffee, please. Decaf.”  

“Water, please. Thanks.” As Marisa left, Poe unfolded his menu and stared at it. “Oh god. Too many options. Oh no. Oh dear.”  

“We should just call her back and tell her you want the thing with the most sugar in it.” Finn looked down his own menu, and decided.  

“Now  _ there’s  _ a good idea.”  

Finn laughed. He continued to look it over. “The chocolate chip pancakes are delicious, I had those last time.”  

“Mmm, true. Can’t go wrong with that. But you were talking about waffles last night, and that’s a good idea too. Hmm. You know what, I give up, you decide.” Poe folded his menu and grinned at Finn.  

Finn eyed Poe speculatively, then grinned back. “Okay.” He set his menu down.

Marisa came by again, bearing their drinks. “Ready?”

“Yeah, I’m going to have the lumberjack skillet, with wheat toast, please. And he’ll have the chocolate and peanut butter waffle.” 

She finished writing. “Excellent. That’ll be right up, guys!” she said brightly as she turned away.  

“Damn,” Poe whistled. “That does sound good. You know, this means you have to figure out how to make this for me at home someday. But don’t you need a wafflemaker thingy to make waffles?”  

“You don’t have a waffle maker?” Finn brought his hand to his chest.  

“Uh. No? I’m not really sure what one looks like. Shit, wait, are you playing with me? You’re totally playing with me here.”  

“No, I thought of that as I was showering this morning. That you probably didn’t even  _ have _ a waffle maker, and that I’d need to get you one. Or haul mine over. Or make you stay the night at my house.” Finn doctored his coffee with sugar and cream.   

“Well,” Poe sighed. “I guess. If I have to.” He grinned at Finn. “All three of those sound like good options. And you’ll have to teach me how so I can return the favor sometime.”  

“I’d love to, baby.” Finn took a sip of coffee and hummed. “So, um, what was it like growing up on a farm? Do you miss it?”  

“I miss the cuddly baby lambs, but I like sleeping in too much to want to deal with chores any more. I like having a job that lets me come home and be away from it for a while. Getting up at 2am to deal with a sheep that’s having trouble birthing—” Poe shuddered. “That was fun the first time, maybe the second, but not the twentieth.”  

“Does your dad have help?”  

“Yeah, he hires a few people every year. He does less now than he did when I was little, but he still works alongside them, and he’s refused to stop until a doctor tells him to, so…that may be many more years.”   

“God willing,” Finn murmured with a raise of his glass.  

“Yeah.” Poe drank to that, then took Finn’s hand. “He will be  _ thrilled  _ to give you a tour, if you ever want to go. Definitely optional—I can talk him out of it if you want. You would learn far more about sheep habits than you ever wanted to.”   

“No, that would be interesting. I’m always up to learn something new,” Finn shrugged. “Plus it might be good for food purposes, right? Does your dad sell for meat or fleece?”  

“Mostly meat, although he’s been trying to branch out into milk, too, to make some cheeses or something. He—” Poe’s mouth dropped open as Marisa came back with their orders. “Thank you. Oh my god. How am I supposed to eat all that? I know what I’m having for dinner, I guess.”  

Finn looked at his own mountain of food, and smiled at Marisa as she left. “Yeah. Um. I say we fill up, and then fall into a food coma at home? You got any good movies we can watch while we digest?”  

“You know, I’ve never understood the appeal of a food coma, to be honest. I’ll probably save the rest for later, and work on my garden before it gets overrun with weeds.”  

Finn hummed at the picture of domesticity that painted in his head, as he broke the yolks of his eggs over the contents of his skillet. “That’s nice. Can I help?”  

“Please! Long as you can tell a weed from a seedling. Or I can teach you.”  

“I’d love you to teach me. And I’m sure I’ll mess up anyway, so apologies in advance.”  

“Nah,” Poe mumbled around a bite of his waffle. “Saves me the work of thinning them out later.”   

“What do you grow?” Finn sopped a potato in yolk and ketchup.  

Poe shrugged. “Whatever the rabbits don’t eat. Basically any vegetable that has a cool-looking seed packet or an interesting name. I do something different every year.”  

Finn’s brows shot up. “Vegetables? Like fresh vegetables? That I could cook for you?”  

Poe stared at Finn mid-bite until the chocolate sauce began to drip off his fork. “Yeah. Yeah, you could. Damn, I’d love that. I normally hand them off to the Garcia family next door. Their grandma—she lives with them—is an amazing cook. They get fresh vegetables for free, I get a cut of whatever she makes, everyone’s happy.”  

“Oh, well, that sounds like a good system, too. Maybe she’d teach me. Everyone wins.” Finn looked at the sugary concoction on Poe’s plate. “Can I try a bite?”  

“Yes, please! God, take half, I can’t possibly eat all of this.” Poe pushed his plate towards Finn. “You're going to have to take your own bite, though.” He smirked up at Finn through his lashes. “So we don’t get into the same trouble as last night.”  

“I like trouble,” Finn murmured, voice low. He swept a bite through some chocolate and peanut butter sauce, and ate, letting out an appreciative groan and licking his lips. “Okay, that’s good. But yeah. Rich.”  

“Jesus,” Poe muttered. “I can’t take you  _ anywhere.”  _

Finn grinned wickedly at him. “Ready for boxes?”  

_ “Some  _ of us are trying to eat brunch in peace.” Poe took one last bite and licked the excess sauce off his lip, grinning right back at Finn.  

“My apologies.” Finn took a final bite of eggs and sausage as well, then slid his foot out of the sandal and up Poe’s calf.  

“Gardening.” Poe stared at Finn, dazed.  _ Sweaty Finn grinning at him in the sunshine and wiping the sweat off his brow and hoisting a bucket of weeds onto his hip—  _ “Oh god. I’m not going to make it, am I?”  

Finn took his foot back and smiled. “No, but I’m going to let you off the hook for now because I don’t want us scarring the Reyes kids for life.”  

“Scarred? From watching you be cute? Not likely. But thanks anyway. You get me any more worked up and I won't be able to walk out of here properly.”  

Finn signaled Marisa and handed off his debit card, then leaned over the table so just Poe would hear. “I can’t help it. I thought maybe it would get better after you’d fucked me. Like it would put some fantasies to rest or something. But fuck, Poe, now I know what you feel like, inside me, and I’m going to be spending all of my waking moments working toward when I get to feel that again. So really, it’s all your fault.”  

Poe stared at Finn for the rest of the day, while the sun rose to noon and set on the other side of the world. “Jesus,” he croaked at last, faintly surprised to find them still sitting in the cozy little restaurant. “You can't just  _ say  _ stuff like that in public. You're going to have to pick up all the little pieces of me and carry them out one by one.”  

Finn blushed. “I—sorry. Yeah. Just—No, no, I won’t say.”  

“No need to apologize,” Poe managed. “I just —I've never been— _ desired _ the way you desire me. It's—it's just weird, still. But it's good, it's a good weird.”  

“Oh. Well, then. Get used to it. Because I do desire you. A lot. Takes up way too much of my day at this point.”  

“Well.” Poe took his hand and rose, one hand on the table to keep him in the real world and not in bed with his boyfriend (yet). “Guess I should help you out with that, huh.”  

Finn stood and slipped an arm around Poe’s waist, too in love to care what it might look like. “You’re always telling me how good I am at asking for help.”  

“Help.” Poe smiled at the Reyes family and Marisa as they left, trying to summon a working brain cell. “Help is good. Help is very good. I'm good at helping.” 

Finn snorted as they emerged into the sunshine again. He took a deep breath, smelling the spring flowers, laying his head on Poe’s shoulder. “I love how clean it smells here. I don’t think I was meant to be a city person.”   

“Well, if we lived in a city, you wouldn't be able to help me weed my garden, and that would be a real shame.” Poe kissed Finn’s head. 

“Mmmhmm, very true.” They settled into a slow walk, their bellies sated, the sunshine warming their skin. “Spring is my favorite season. This part where it’s just turning into summer. Perfect for new beginnings.” Finn squeezed Poe’s hand.  

“Mine too, man. Winter is so overrated.” Poe waited until they turned off of Main Street onto a quieter lane. “I, um. I didn't really feel like we finished our conversation earlier. Did you want to continue talking about it now, or come back to it later?”  

“The one about, um, you giving me orders?”  

“Yeah. Like, what sort of thing would you want me to do, or not do.”  

“Have you—have you ever done anything with, um. Toys?” Finn whispered the words as they walked by another couple, out in their garden.  

Poe waved at the Hendersons and walked on until they were a few doors down the street. “You do go right from zero to sixty, don’t you,” he managed at last. “Jesus. Um. I haven’t—no, that’s not true, I had a dildo years ago, like, an embarrassing number of years ago, ok, never mind. Other than that, no, I’ve never really bothered with any. Why? Do—do you?” Poe flushed bright red at the vivid images that thought conjured.    

Finn shook his head. “I haven’t. But I’ve, um, thought about it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s something we could explore together. Um. I don’t know. I haven’t gotten a whole lot into the fantasy. Hell, I don’t even know if I’d be able to obey you, anyway. The thought of it gets me so hot so fast.”  

“Well,” Poe said carefully, “I've seen porn shoots where they wear dick rings. Cock rings? Whatever the hell they're called. Would you want to try that?”  

“Maybe? With some research? I don’t want to just jump in, does that make sense?”  

“Yeah, definitely. Hmm. Maybe we should each do some googling, then talk about it again later?”  

“Yeah. Until then, um. Feel free to, uh, give me orders. In bed,” Finn hastened to add. “And, um, we can use the color system for that, too.”  

“All right.” Poe hesitated. “You should tell me if there are any things you’d never want me to say, or ask you to do.”  

“Never call me names,” Finn whispered.  

“Never, sweetheart. I wouldn’t do that.” Poe tugged Finn closer and kissed his cheek. “Anything else?”  

“Um. Like I said before, no punishments. Physical or verbal. No hitting. Like spanking. I don’t want—I don’t want that.”  

“No, no. God. Maybe we can just take all of that off the table. I wouldn’t want to—to—” Poe’s mind hit a wall and went blank. “H-handcuffs, either,” he rasped. “Rope. Anything like that. No.” 

“Yeah. No, I agree. All of that off the table. Agreed. We’re doing a really good job of building a positive, happy space for us, and I don’t want this to change it.”  

It took Poe half a block to get his breathing under control again, but he did it. “Yeah,” he managed at last. “Yeah. Just—just good things. You deserve all the good things in life.”   

“You do, too.” Finn tightened his hold on Poe’s hand. “You okay?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, mostly. Um. Glad we’re on the same page.”  

Finn stopped Poe at the edge of his yard and cupped his face. “I will never, ever confine you. I promise. Never on the table.”  

“Or violence,” Poe whispered. “Never.”  

“Never,” Finn vowed. “God, we’ve got enough negativity to deal with without crafting it ourselves. Only happy, nice, lovely sex for us. I promise. And sometimes you order me to not to come.” He smiled, rubbing over Poe’s cheeks.  

“Ok.” Poe took a deep breath. “Ok.” He wrapped his arms around Finn and leaned against him. “This is a plan. I like this plan. A good plan. Lots of happy, nice, lovely sex. Also sometimes some happy-nice-lovely orders. And then more happy-nice-lovely sex. This is very good.”  

“And maybe sometimes that happy-nice-lovely sex can be fucking me with a dildo.” Finn grinned at Poe, hoping he’d smile back.  

“And there you go, zero to fucking sixty yet again. Jesus.” Poe shook his head and started up the path, tugging Finn along behind him. “Are there any other orders you’d want me to give?”  

“I like to keep you on your toes, old man.” He pulled up close to Poe again. “I could, um. You could order me to, um, do things for you.  _ To _ you.”  

“Mmmph.” Now  _ that  _ was an image. It took Poe two tries to get his own unlocked front door open. “I would like that,” he said at last, kicking his sandals off in the interior gloom. “I would really like that. Oh god.”   

Finn toed Poe’s sandals off and leaned against the hallway wall. “We’re going to kill each other, aren’t we? With sex. Happy-nice-lovely sex.”  

“What a way to go.” Poe grinned at him. “Ready to garden?”  

“I am.” Finn raised his hands and wiggled his fingers. “Hopefully magic fingers equate to green thumbs.”  

“Somehow, I doubt you’ll have a problem. Except that you’ll want to change into shorts or something so you don’t end up with green knees. You want to borrow something?”  

“That’d be great, please.” Finn followed Poe to the bedroom. “Though I’m not sure if I trust myself in this room, now.”  

“Butt plug!” Poe tripped into the bureau as he remembered. “That’s the word! Would you ever want to do that?” He smiled beatifically at Finn. “It would make gardening so much more fun.”  

Finn goggled. “Wait—do you—do you have one? Right now?”  

“No,” Poe sighed. He rummaged around for a pair of shorts that might fit Finn. “But I could get one.” Athletic shorts, there, that would be perfect. He handed them to Finn.  

Finn unbuttoned his jeans and started sliding them off. “Um, yeah. Again, research? But that’s why the internet exists, right? Collective learning.”  

“Mmm, yeah.” Poe kept his eyes trained on the floor while changing into his own shorts, because oh hot damn if he looked at Finn right now there was no  _ way  _ they were getting out into the garden. “Also,” he said, struck by a sudden memory. “Um. I really liked, um. When I knelt for you? To take off your clothes. I don’t know if I’d ever want to follow orders—I’m not really good at that, anyway—but I like—I really like serving you. Massaging you, and cooking for you, and—and doing good things for you.”   

Finn’s smiled cracked open his face. “Yeah?” he asked as he pulled the shorts on. “That’s, um, convenient for me, I guess. And really sweet. I like that, too. But, um, knowing you  _ like _ to do that. Like.  _ Like _ like. Makes me feel a little bit better, like I’m not inconveniencing you.”  

“Inconveniencing?” Poe stared at him. “Buddy, the only  _ inconvenience  _ you’ve added to my life is having to plan in extra time here and there to, um…” He smirked at Finn.  

“That’s—that’s really good to know, thank you. You might have to remind me of that a lot.” Finn held out his hand.  

Poe shrugged, took Finn’s hand, and led them out towards the back door. “That’s all right. I can pencil it into my calendar, if you like. Reminding me to remind you.”  

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” Finn took another deep breath of the fresh air when they were outside. “So, maestro, show me the ropes.”  

“Well. First stop, the shed.” Poe walked past the garden to the little shed in the back corner of his yard. “Bucket—” he handed Finn one— “kneeling pad, and a weeder just in case you run into any particularly nasty fellas.” He pulled his own bucket and weeder out, along with the little seat that made gardening easier on his knees. “Oh, and I’ve got gloves too, if you want. I sometimes wear them, sometimes just get dirty. Up to you.”  

Finn wiggled his thumb, where the stitches had been taken out a few days ago. “I better glove up, the scar is really tender right now.”  

“Then here, sir—” Poe pulled out a pair of worn green gloves for Finn. “Now your thumb’s already green, no work necessary.”  

Finn laughed, accepting the supplies and pulling the gloves on. “So, show me what  _ not  _ to pull.”  

“Well.” Poe settled onto his kneeling seat by one of the raised beds and scowled down at the mess of weeds and seedlings. “This is—wait, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you. Are you ok kneeling out here? The beds are raised, so you don’t have to bend over as much, but still, it can get kinda uncomfortable after a while. I don’t want to hurt your back.”  

Finn kneeled beside Poe, slipping an arm around his shoulders and brushing a kiss over his cheek. “I should be okay, as long as I take breaks and stretch. I promise I won't push myself. Besides, if I have to give up, then I'll just go lay in the shade of that tree and watch you do all the work.”  

Poe cut his eyes at Finn. “If you do that, I’ll have to watch you lie there, and then no one will get anything done. But there are worse fates, I guess.” He smirked. “Anyway. Weeds. Ok. So, this little bugger—the one that looks kinda like a sprout that you’d put on your sandwich, if you liked sprouts, but they’re gross so don’t do that, anyway, what was I saying? Right. This guy is a seedling. We like him. Those round little leaves on top are like baby teeth—every plant has those at first, and then the next set of leaves they grow will be their own unique shape. So basically, just leave these guys alone and pull everything else. Oh! And if you find one of these devils—fuck you, what the hell are you doing in my garden? Get out. This little coiled worm thingy is a cutworm. They’ll cut through the base of your plants at night and leave you with a decapitated mess. If you find one, smash it on sight. No mercy. I think that’s it for Weeding 101. Any questions? Want a highlighter?”  

“Is it alright to say that I am incredibly turned on by your weeding speak? Damn, farmer Poe, tell me more.” Finn grinned and moved over, beginning to pull in a new spot.  

“Um.” Poe started to pull the weeds ahead of him and toss them into his bucket. “You know, I never really saw the sex appeal of farming, but hey, if it works for you…” He made the mistake of looking over at Finn. “Uh,” he said faintly, eyes caught on the curve of Finn’s bicep.  

“Hmmm, well, maybe it's  _ this _ particular farmer that's making the difference.” Finn turned back to Poe and winked.  

“Fuck,” Poe groaned. “Don’t  _ do  _ that! I have neighbors, I can’t go fuck you against a tree.”  

Finn accidentally pulled a weed too hard and it went flying. “Is that...I hadn't thought of that, but now I will be,” he managed, throat dry.  

“Well, don’t think too hard. We have to get this…this…done. Right?” Poe frowned down at the weeds, trying to remember a good reason to keep gardening instead of going inside and removing their stupid clothes.   

“Yeah.”  _ Go down, you stupid erection. _ Finn kept moving away from Poe, when all he wanted to do was tackle Poe to the ground —not that that would have been good for  _ either _ of their injuries. “Um. Uh. Talk about something. Distract me.”  

“Talk?” Poe cleared his throat. “Well.” He yanked a set of clover shoots out, careful not to disturb the pepper seedlings growing right next to them. “This bed right here is full of peppers—your end is the hot peppers, I think I planted serrano peppers this year, and my end is the sweet peppers. Maybe purple peppers, I forget. Don’t get too excited, they turn a weird shade of greenish-white once you cook them.”  

“Oh, nice, I've tried making pico de gallo before, but I bet your neighbor has a better recipe.”  

“Yeah, she makes it sometimes. Her version is excellent. But it’s not that hard, and it doesn’t involve any cooking. Even  _ I  _ could make pico de gallo, if the mood ever struck.” He stuck his tongue out at Finn. “Anyway, I’m keeping a close eye on you the next time you decide to go chopping everything up, just to make sure you remember to chop up the  _ onion,  _ not yourself. I can’t have you damaging the merchandise.”  

Finn was momentarily distracted by Poe's tongue, and almost pulled a good plant. “Mmmm, yeah, getting hot pepper juice in a wound is not something I aspire to.”  

“No, definitely not.” Poe shuddered. “Anyway. That next bed is eggplant, I think. The seed packet promised me the hugest eggplants ever grown in the state of California, which is…really not helping the situation here, so—” Poe coughed. “Moving on.”   

Finn laughed, even though he was still half hard. Jesus. Poe made him feel like a teenager. “‘Course, if you're keeping an eye on me while I chop, I'm more liable to mess up, since you're such a distraction. And now I can't help but think about being pressed up against every conceivable surface.”  

“Hmm. That’s a shame. I’ll have to stay out of the kitchen from now on, I guess.” Poe pulled a few more weeds, thinking about surfaces. “And clean my counters off, just in case.”  

Finn smiled to himself, blaming the heat on his cheeks and in his blood on the early afternoon sun beating down on them. He moved over some more, then stopped, standing slowly to stretch out his back with a few toe touches and backward bends.  

_ Keep your eyes on the damn weeds, Dameron.  _ Poe yanked a few more, realized he’d killed a seedling along with the handful of weeds, dropped them in his bucket, and sighed. “This is why I have a goddamn  _ No Ogling  _ sign in the office, Finn, don’t make me put one up here, too. You keep stretching like that and I’ll never get anything done.”   

“I'm just trying to be good to my back, hun.”  

“Suuuuure,” Poe snorted. “Of course, dear. I guess I should be grateful your stretches don’t include any splits.”  

Finn lifted his bucket to his side and moved around to the other side of the beds. “I mean, is that a request?” he whispered in Poe's ear as he walked by. “Because I've never done a full, for sure. But I am  _ very _ flexible. Like if you wanted to bend me in half.”  

“Hnngggh,” Poe said, or at least that’s what it felt like. He stared at the weeds for five years or so, then managed to pull out the last handful and move on. He carried the bucket, weeder, and kneeling seat to the other side of the bed, settled into place next to Finn, and wiped the sweat off his face with his shirt, using the cloth to cover his smirk.  

Finn looked around, judging the height of the fences around Poe's garden.  _ Definitely, _ Finn thought even as the sounds of children playing filtered through the air,  _ not high enough to do anything. _ Not fair, Finn decided, when Poe was showing off his stomach and his bronze skin.  

_ Dameron, if you don’t change the subject now, there’s a damn good chance that you will spontaneously combust.  _ “So.” Poe cleared his throat. “I don’t know how much space you have out back for a garden, but you could put a few pots of herbs or something in your windowsill, if you wanted to. Have something fresh to cook with.”  

“It's nice. Connecting with the earth. Kinda primal. Would you show me how to start an herb garden?”  

“Sure! I’d love to. What would you want to plant?”  

“Mmm, basil, probably? And rosemary. Um, sage? Mint?” Finn sat back on his haunches and thought about it.  

“I gotta say, my knowledge of herbs is a little more limited, but those sound good. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen basil and mint for sale, at least. And rosemary’s all over the place. We can go to the nursery, find you some little pots to put them in.”  

It was so wonderfully domestic, and made Finn warm from the inside out. “That would be amazing.” He cleared his throat. “It's um, it's  _ roots _ , you know. Literally and figuratively.”  

“Yeah?” Poe cocked his head at Finn, then remembered with a rush of heat why he’d resolved to keep his head down. Finn was just so fucking  _ gorgeous  _ in the sunshine, bright eyes and warm smile and lean shoulders. “Um.” He looked back down at the garden bed and tugged again on a stubborn dandelion. “That’s lovely, buddy. You deserve a set of roots here.”  

“Thanks. I, um. I really want them.”  _ I crave them _ . “So that's a thing I get to have now,” Finn realized he worked through the entire bed.  

“Hell yeah, you do.” Poe grinned at Finn. “I mean, you already have some metaphorical roots—you have a home, and a full-time job, and a group you’ve been going to for months, and now you’re even enrolled in college. Might as well add some physical roots to that mix.”  

“I'm not doing so bad, am I?” Pride bloomed within him, and Finn smiled back at Poe. “I don't often big-picture it like that.”  

“Well, you should! I mean, you’re always going to have some kind of shit going on, that’s life, everyone does. You’re doing pretty damn well for yourself, buddy.”  

“Yeah. Got a damn fine boyfriend too.”  

“Ain’t that the truth.” Poe fluffed back his hair, realized that his hands were still covered in dirt, and cracked up with laughter.  

Finn joined him, because he couldn't crawl over to Poe and kiss him, so this belly laugh was the next best thing.  

Poe got lost somewhere between the long line of Finn’s throat, the bright flash of his teeth, and the sweet crinkles around his eyes. “Takes one to know one,” he managed at last, dazed. “Boyfriend, I mean. Damn fine one.”  

Finn couldn't stand it anymore, and scooted up next to Poe, arching up to kiss him. “No, you are,” he said, breathless, when he broke off.  

“Maybe we can both be?”  

“Yeah, I like that idea,” Finn murmured against Poe’s lips, getting lost in the warm coffee of Poe’s eyes, the elegance of his lashes.  

“Gardening,” Poe said faintly. “God, we’re hopeless.”  

Finn cleared his throat and sank back down. “Right. Right. Um. Are there other beds?”  

“Yeah, there’s, uh, there’s carrots and leeks in the far left bed, and tomatoes in the far right, and this one right here is the, uh—the eggplant bed.” Poe toppled forward again in a fit of giggles.  

“Fuck, I love you,” Finn said with a laugh and a pat to Poe’s knee before he headed off for the carrots.  

“I love you too, baby,” Poe said, grinning after Finn as he picked up and left for the other side of the garden. And yes, ok, fine, he spent a few good moments admiring Finn’s ass before he knelt down again behind the raised bed. He pulled the last few weeds on his side, then heroically took one for the team by moving to the eggplant bed and getting to work.  

Finn heard Poe giggling to himself behind him, and he shook his head, pausing to let the love swamp him. He imagined pulling weeds just like this, five years, ten years, twenty years from now. While a dog ran around the yard, beside itself with excitement, and Poe laughed, just like that, with their—with their kid, teaching them how to pull weeds exactly like he’d taught Finn.

_ Fuck _ but that was a nice image.  

“I wonder if you could put a few pots out back,” Poe mused. “Don’t you have a bit of space there?”  

“It’s a shared backyard, but maybe? I could talk to my neighbors about it. I mean, they’d probably leave them alone, but it’s always good to ask. Plus they’re one of those ‘thank you for your service’ couples, so I’m sure they’d be fine with anything I asked.”  

“Ha! Yeah, useful to have around. I mean, you could always offer them a bit of the produce, if they protest. Or keep it to your side, or something. That way you could grow something larger than a little windowsill herb.”  

“I’d like to grow tomatoes. I love tomatoes. I swear the checker at the supermarket can tell it’s me just by the amount of tomatoes I’m putting on the belt.” Finn laughed at himself. “Nevermind, I’m not going to get started, or else I’ll end up sounding like Bubba from Forrest Gump.”  

“Tomatoes are fun.” Poe laughed suddenly. “Little me decided that fertilizer would mean bigger tomatoes, even though my dad told me not to put any on the tomato plants. So I snuck out anyway and poured fertilizer on them. Turns out the plants do grow bigger, but they don’t produce any tomatoes. Little me was not impressed. Neither was my dad, for that matter.”  

Finn snorted. “Good to know. You’re coming with me to the garden store to get set up, right? I don’t think I can do it without you.”  

“Uh-uh. Try that last sentence again.”  

Finn glanced back at Poe, then nodded. “Right. Relearning. Um.” He pulled a weed. “It would be nice to have your expertise?”  

“Happy to come help, very happy, any time, that would be a lot of fun, but I still think you can do that sentence a little better.” Poe bit his lip.  

“I am—I’m—I am capable of figuring out what I need at the garden store. Because I’m not stupid, or worthless.”  

“Damn right! There you go, sweetheart.” Poe pushed himself to his feet and walked over to the carrot bed to give Finn a high five.  

Finn flushed but accepted it.  

“But yes,” Poe said, stepping back to his kneeling seat, “I would love to come with you. Whenever you want to go. Although be warned, I have been known to favor qualities like funny names and cool colors over practicalities like productivity, size, or taste.”  

Finn grinned down at the weeds he’d just pulled out. “Of course you do. I like your style, Mr. Dameron.”  

“Yeah? You're going to have to tell that to my dad. He’s always laughing at me for being a terrible farmer.”  

“Aww, baby. If it helps, I think you’re a wonderful farmer. Maybe I’m biased, though.”  

“Enh,” Poe shrugged. “Never really wanted to be one, so it’s all good. I’m happy with a little garden, I think I’d miss digging in the dirt if I didn’t have one. But relying on proper cooperation from the weather gods never seemed like a good business plan to me. Relying on people’s cars to crap out? Now  _ that  _ is something I can count on.”  

“Yeah, well. I think I’ve discovered something.”  

“Yeah?”  

“I think I've got a new thing. You, getting dirty. Oil. Soil. Doesn't matter.”  

“Huh.” Poe looked up and considered Finn for a moment. “Well, we could go mud wrestling sometime.” His grin settled into a smirk. “But you’d pin me down in three seconds flat, and I’d get a boner in half that time, and we’d never be able to show our faces in public again.”  

“But it'd be an amazing three seconds.” Finn laughed and moved on.  

“Damn right,” Poe sighed. “Hmm. Well, if it ever rains around here, maybe we can set up a pit in the backyard. Or just wrestle on the bed, that would be the most convenient.”  

“Mmm, I like the second plan. Preferably as soon as possible. Sounds way more comfortable. And I'd rather you pin me.” Finn looked down and realized he'd pulled a sprout. “Oh, shit. Hmmm. I guess you're right about the rules. I'd hate to fuck up someone's car like this because I was flirting with you.”  

“Ah, no big deal. You can try to poke him back into the dirt, see if he takes root again. If not, more fertilizer.” Poe yanked a few weeds in his own bed, thinking about wrestling. “You’d have to let me win, you know. I mean, ok, maybe I’d last a  _ little  _ longer than three seconds, but not much longer. But, uh. Yeah. Um.” His voice dropped into the dirt. “Not actually sure that would be a good idea.”  

“Yeah, I know, baby.” Finn looked up, met Poe's eyes. “It's okay to play around with words, though?”  

“Yeah?” Poe shoved the forked tip of the weeder against the base of a stubborn dandelion, set his teeth, and levered it out. “Maybe. I don’t know.”  

Finn crawled up to Poe again, peeling off of his glove to caress one dirt-covered cheek. “That's okay, too. I promise.”  

“Thank you.” Poe closed his eyes and leaned into Finn’s touch. “You’re so fucking good to me, sweetheart.”  

“You deserve it. And it's hard not to, when I love you so much.” Finn brushed their lips together gently, then touched their foreheads together in acknowledgment and went back to more weeds.  

“Love you too,” Poe whispered.  

Finn smiled back at Poe, and they worked in silence for a bit. Well, the 'silence’ provided in a garden anyway. Finn lost himself a little in the steady  _ thwack _ of Poe's weeder, the buzz of the bees around the flowers blooming against the edge of the house, at the continued noises of children nearby.  

_ I could do this forever,  _ Poe realized.  _ Work right here, like this, with you.  _ “So,” he managed at last. “Tomatoes. Anything else you want to grow?”  

“Mmm. Squash? I picked some up from the farmers market last week, grilled it with steak for dinner one night. That was delicious.” Finn smiled. “I can't wait to cook you dinner again sometime. I guess I've got a service thing, too.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned right back at Finn. “Well, that’s good. Because I feel kinda bad that I can’t really reciprocate.”  

Finn gave a short laugh. “You reciprocate just fine, baby, don't worry about that. In fact I'm hoping you'll reciprocate again when we're done here.”  

Poe squinted at Finn. “What’s that supposed to mean?”  

“I don't know, you told me I'm not supposed to talk like that in public.”  

“Um. I don’t—I don’t think exchanging sex for food is a great idea.”   

Finn's eyes widened. “I don't—is that—" He bit off.  _ “ _ Is that a bad thing? I don't—I was mostly teasing.”  

“I don’t know, it just—it just seems weird to me. If I give you something, I don’t need you to repay me. And I never want you to feel obligated. If you want to cook for me, that’s great, wonderful, awesome, but you don’t need to do that to earn sex, or love, or anything.”   

“When you make me happy, I want to do something good for you. Is that, um. Is that bad? Probably another question for my therapist.”

Poe focused on disentangling a bindweed vine from the eggplant seedlings, thinking. “I don’t know,” he said at last. “I don’t think I’m really qualified to weigh in on that. I guess—I don’t think it’s really bad if you  _ want  _ to, but I never want you to feel like you  _ need  _ to. Does that make sense?”  

Finn sat back, staring up at the clear blue sky. “Yeah. My dad, um. My dad was all about ‘what’ll you give me?’” He removed a glove and scrubbed over his face. “God, I don’t know what I’d do if I ever ended up being like him.”  

Poe started to lunge up, stopped short, and carefully eased himself up to his feet instead. He stepped over the bed and crouched beside Finn, heart aching. “You won’t. You’d  _ never.  _ I promise you, sweetheart.” He folded Finn into his arms and tucked his head into Finn’s shoulder.  

“Sorry. Aftermaths from before, I think. Sorry. We were having a good time.” Finn sank his fingers into the sweaty heat of Poe’s tee and clung on as he mumbled.  

“It’s ok, baby. You’re ok.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “I love you.”  

“I’m sorry I’m not better. So many things are good right now. Why—why do I still get thoughts like that in my head? I never—I never—I never want to leave you. Why—"  

“It’s ok.” Poe rocked them slowly. “How many times have you calmed me down from a sudden panic? You think I’m going to tell you you can’t do the same? Freak out whenever you need to. It happens.”  

Finn took a few slow breaths, safe in Poe’s arms. So safe, god. The sound of Poe’s heartbeat was steady against his cheek, the movement of his own lungs filling, calming. The warmth of the embrace and the sun made the thought slide away. “Okay.” A breath expelled. “Okay. I think I’m good for now.”  

“You sure?” Poe kissed his cheek. “I don’t mind staying here for a while. You’re pretty comfy, you know that?”  

“You are, too. Maybe after we're finished, we could cuddle.” Finn tipped his head up and placed a brief kiss on Poe's neck. “No innuendo intended.”  

“Mmm, that does sound nice.” Poe kissed him back, then lost his balance and toppled backward. “Shit, ow.”  

Finn followed him. “Are you okay? Is it your knee?”  

“Fuck,” Poe grumbled. “Yes, and this stupid raised bed hit my elbow. Gardening ain’t for the weak of heart, that’s for sure.”  

“Aww. I can kiss it better? What do you need, baby?” Finn held out his hand, if Poe wanted to pull himself back up.  

_ I need a new fucking leg.  _ “I’m fine,” Poe mumbled. He let Finn pull him up, then stretched a little. “Just dumb. Um. Sorry. Did you want more hugs? Happy to pick up where we left off, but I think I should stay vertical this time.”  

“I think I'm good for now. Let's finish up, then we can cool off inside and I can give you a massage. If you want.” Finn snuck another kiss to Poe's cheek. “Thank you. You make—you make everything just a little bit easier.”  

“Yeah? I’m glad, baby.” Poe kissed Finn back, then headed back to the eggplant bed to finish the job.  

Finn weeded through the rest of the bed, then pulled his bucket up onto his hip. He reached down for Poe's. “So where do these get dumped?”  

“Oh! Thank you. I dump them into the compost bin out back, that plastic tub thingy in the corner.”  

“Got it.” Finn headed over to the corner, lifted the lid, and braced himself for the smell. “That’s—that's not that bad? I was expecting rotten.” he called back.  

Poe laughed. “Ok, one pro tip: never, ever,  _ ever  _ mention compost to my dad. You’ll still be there three hours later with a diploma in Compost Management. Short version is, it’s not supposed to smell bad, and if it does, that means something’s wrong with it. So you add various things, it’s complicated, anyway. It’s mostly just dirt, and a bunch of worms. Trash—meat, fish, dairy, stuff like that—smells bad when it rots. Weeds usually don’t.”  

“Cool,” Finn replied, banging his gloves together over one of the beds. “Your dad sounds fascinating, by the way.”  

“Oh god,” Poe cackled. “He will  _ love  _ you. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone call the compost lecture ‘fascinating’ before. I mean, he’ll love you anyway, but if you sit through that whole thing and, even better, if you actually pay attention and ask questions, he will adopt you for life, I swear.”  

Finn slipped his arm around Poe's waist and nuzzled in close. “I can think of a lot worse things than being adopted by the Damerons.”  

“I can! I’m not going to have sex with my own brother.”  

Finn snorted. “Only you. God, only you would think of that. Fuck, I adore you.”  

“Well,  _ someone’s  _ got to keep their head screwed on straight around here.” Poe thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Nope, never mind. Screw me gay any time you want. But no incest, that’s gross.”  

“Agreed. Shall we go inside, get something cool to drink, and I can massage your knee?”  

“Yeah, yeah, good call.” Poe took Finn’s kneeling pad and his own seat back to the shed, shoved the tools into the little holder he’d rigged by the door, and tucked Finn’s gloves into their own holder. He shut the door and held out his arm. “Sure you don’t want to stretch again for your adoring audience?”  

Finn grinned and shrugged. “Yeah, I probably should.” He bent over, ass to Poe, and stretched everything out once more. He straightened carefully, and took Poe's arm. “Mmm, yeah, that felt good.”  

“Uh,” Poe said, staring at him.  

Finn snickered. “You're so easy.”  

“I think I resemble that remark, too.”  

Finn laughed, happy, and took Poe's hand, swinging it between them as they walked inside.  

“I’m going to wash up before I get dirt all over the kitchen,” Poe said as they stepped into the cool, quiet house. “I’ve got gardener’s soap if you want.”  

“Good plan. I think I'm okay, though. Wait, what does gardener’s soap do?”  

“Helps you scrub your hands within an inch of their lives.”  

Finn laughed and kissed Poe. “I'm going to change back into my jeans.” He walked back to the bedroom.  

“Ahh, while I'm stuck at the sink so I can’t watch? I see how it is.” Poe grinned and ducked into the bathroom to scrub the gunk off his hands.  

Finn threw the athletic shorts into Poe's hamper and pulled his jeans on. He sat in the bed for a second, wondering how this was his life. He'd had two bad episodes today, at the restaurant and in the garden, but what struck Finn is how much _ worse _ it could have been. And it would be easy to credit Poe. Hell, it would be appropriate to credit Poe. But Poe would tell him that Finn was responsible for it himself. And Finn was beginning to understand what he meant, he thought.  

Once his hands were red and pruny and vaguely lemon-scented, Poe headed into the kitchen to pour them both some water. The house was suspiciously quiet—but if Finn was in distress, he’d hear  _ something,  _ wouldn’t he? Poe perched on the counter, gulped down half his glass, and listened for sounds of movement.  

Finn made his way to the kitchen, and smiled at the sight of Poe leaning up against the counter. “Hey. You look... delicious.”  

“Or you’re just thirsty.” Poe grinned and slid the other glass of water over to Finn.  

“Thank you,” Finn murmured with a smile before gulping down some water. “Mmm. Still thirsty.” He arched a brow at Poe, then broke into a grin and a laugh.  

“You,” Poe said, “are  _ ridiculous.”   _ He managed to hold a straight face for at least half a second before cracking up. “And I love it.”  

“Well, that's good then,” Finn said with a soft check to Poe's hip as he leaned against the counter, too. He took one of Poe's hands. “This isn't going to—I don't really want to go into it, but, um. Thank you. For—for a lot.”  

“Um.” Poe set his glass down and pulled Finn in between his legs, studying his face. “You’re welcome, buddy. I don’t really know what you’re thanking me for, other than my brilliant gardening lectures, but whatever it is, you’re very welcome.”  

Finn rested his hands on Poe's hips, then leaned his head on Poe's shoulder. “Love you.”  

“Love you too, sweetheart.” Poe wrapped his free hand around Finn and pulled him in close.  

Finn breathed with him for a little bit, before standing straight again and finding Poe's eyes. “Hey, how about that massage? Want a lift to the couch?”  

“I think it’s all right, actually. I may ice it a bit later if it gets sore again. But walking around just now helped a lot. Thanks for offering, though. I may take you up on that some other time.”  

Finn nodded. “I've, um. Taken up most of your day. I should get out of your hair.”  

“Yeah, you know, having really hot sex, flirting over a delicious brunch, and gardening with my gorgeous boyfriend has really put a cramp in my style today.” Poe smiled and brushed a hand over Finn’s head. “I had a wonderful day, buddy,” he said, holding Finn’s eyes. “And a wonderful night, too. I do think it might be a good idea to call it a day now, before any shit happens. But not because I want you ‘out of my hair.’ I’m really glad you were here. Ok?”  

“I'm really glad I came. And came. And came.”  

“Ok,  _ now  _ you’re just being silly.” Poe leaned down to Finn, nearly laughing too hard to kiss him properly.  

It was Finn's favorite sound in the entire world, and he sighed in satisfaction into the kiss.  

Finn’s lips were soft, and sweet, and perfect, and  _ oh god  _ Poe would stay here for the rest of his life if he could, perched on his kitchen counter, legs wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist, melting into this kiss.  

When Finn broke it off, he was breathless. “You are, without a doubt, the sexiest man I've ever met.” He pulled away with a grin. “And if I don't leave now, I'll probably never leave.”  

“Worse things could happen,” Poe said, grinning dopily down at him. “But yeah, ok, let’s be responsible.” He hopped down from the counter with a sigh. “Do you want me to drive you home?”  

“Nah, I need to hit the store on the way home, so I'll do that.” Finn wrapped Poe in a last hug. “Thank you for a wonderful evening. And morning. Holy fuck, what a morning.”  

“Mmmph. God, that’ll give me plenty to think about.”  

“Yeah. If I go home for lunch again on Monday, you know what's up.” Finn snorted at himself.  

“Hmm.” Poe eyed Finn consideringly.  _ “Or  _ you could come over Monday night.”

“Mmm, yeah, I like that plan better. And no therapy or group.” Finn leaned into another kiss, then pulled back and brushed over Poe's cheek. “Have a good time with your dad. Make sure to tell him how amazing I am. I need all the help I can get.”  

Poe flushed and ducked his head. “He, uh. I think he already knows exactly how amazing you are.”  

“Oh?” Finn cupped Poe's face. “You are the sweetest thing. Thank you.”  

“Gotta admit, it wasn’t specifically for your benefit, I just can’t shut up about you. Um. Anyway,” Poe coughed. “He will love you, I promise. Tell me when you want to come to Sunday lunch, if you ever want to.”  

“I will, I promise. I'm looking forward to it.” Finn touched their foreheads together. “Okay. All right. I'm going.”  

“Ok,” Poe sighed. “Do you have your stuff? Or did you want to leave the rest here?”  

“I got my stuff ready earlier. So, um. Text me if you want. I'll just be out at the college working tomorrow.” Finn backed away, his hand lingering in Poe's.  

“Good luck.” Poe followed Finn to the door, then pulled him in for one last kiss. “Thank you for such a wonderful date.”  

Finn caught Poe's hand. “Here's to a thousand more.”  

“Yes, please.” Poe kissed Finn’s knuckles.  

Finn slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked down the stairs. At the bottom, he couldn't resist turning around and blowing Poe a kiss before heading off again.  

Poe beamed after Finn for far longer than was reasonable, then finally realized he was just leaning against the doorjamb and staring out into the sunshine. He went back in, cleaned up the place a bit, and settled onto the couch with his creaky old laptop.  _ BDSM for people with PTSD,  _ he asked Google, and settled in to read.  


	24. Jess's Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess needs some relationship advice, and Finn's been in a relationship for a few days, so why not come to him?
> 
> Short chapter, so you guys get double today!
> 
> CW: Knives

Jess leaned against the car Finn was working on and snapped her gum. “So, how's life?”

“Um, well, good, I guess?” 

“Hey, um. So.” 

Finn set his wrench aside and looked up at her. “What's up, Jess?”

Jess played with the knife strapped to her ankle. “Um. How, um, do you, uh, bring up your, uh,  _ stuff _ , with Poe. Like your issues.”

“Karé?” 

“It's. Um. Going somewhere maybe.”

Finn sighed. “I don't have a great answer. Be up front? I'm not really sure. Have you asked Poe?”  

Jess stared at him. “Do I look like I want to talk to my boss about my love life?”  

“Point. I don't know. Poe and I, um. We've had our fair share of issues. We still will. But it's easier, since I'm not the only one in the relationship with issues.” 

“Yeah.” Jess made a face. “I mean, I’ve yet to meet a person who has truly  _ zero  _ issues, so maybe she’s got her own shit. But I just—like—how do you even  _ talk  _ about it? I mean, ‘up front,’ yay, wonderful, why don’t we just walk fifty miles in stilettos instead, that sounds like much more fun.”    

Finn shook his head. “I don't know, Jess. We knew each other from group, so there was that advantage. And it's been what? A couple weeks with Kare? Poe and I knew each other for months before we started opening up to each other. So if you're not ready yet, that's okay, too.”  

“Ugh,” Jess groaned. “Should have known you’d be fucking reasonable. Look, I don’t want to wait eight months to bang her, ok? I just want to take her home and find a way to say ‘I have a knife under my pillow and in my nightstand and in the medicine cabinet but it’s no big deal, you’re fine, I only use them on strange invaders who have actually never come knocking but they MIGHT someday and I want to be prepared.’ Without, uh. Sounding quite as nutso as I probably am.”   

Finn chewed his lip. “Maybe start with, 'My past experiences have taught me to be cautious’ and then a warning about the knives? I mean, you don't want her finding one accidentally.” He held up his grease covered new scar. “I promise, it's no fun.”  

“They’re all in sheaths,” Jess grumbled. “Or closed up. I wouldn’t leave a naked blade hanging around.” She sighed. “But I see what you mean. You don’t think she’d cut and run at that point? I mean, who wants to bang a weirdo?”

“I do.” Poe popped his head in between their cars and grinned at Finn. “But I have a feeling I’m missing some context here. Interested in lunch, either of you?”  

Finn slipped an arm around Poe's waist and kissed his cheek while Jess rolled her eyes. “Do you think she's going to cut and run, or do you think you trust her?” He linked his hand with Poe's.  

Jess squinted at him. “I feel like this is one of those questions my therapist asks that clearly have a reasonable answer that a normal person would give, and then there’s my answer.” She started to pull her ankle knife out of its sheath to toy with it a little, then hurriedly stuck it back in and dropped her leg to the ground, belatedly remembering that Poe had joined them. “Um,” she coughed. “On the other hand, if she cuts and runs, that saves me the trouble of ghosting on her, so that’s a plus.”  

“God, that's the realest thing I've heard today. The reasonable answer thing.” Finn squeezed Poe's hand, silently thanking him for...for being him, mostly, as they walked to the break room. “I guess you can kind of see it like a litmus test, right? Like she sounds great, but isn't it better to find out early if she can handle your shit? And you deserve someone who can handle your shit, Jess. Long-term, if that's what you want.”  

“I just want to bang her,” Jess moaned. “As soon as possible. And not deal with this shit.” She yanked her lunchbox from her locker and scowled down the hall at where Finn and Poe were still holding hands. “Not all of us are as fucking cute as you two.”  

“This is true.” Poe nodded solemnly. “I asked my eight-ball whether anyone was cuter than Finn and it said  _ My sources say no.”  _

“Mmm, and the magic eight ball tells no lies.” Finn brushed his lips across Poe's briefly, wishing he could linger. “So, if you just want to bang her, why can't you do it at her place? Or hell, take her away for a weekend somewhere nice.”  

“Uh-huh.” Jess ripped the plastic off her cheese stick and shoved half of it in her mouth. “And sleep without any knives? Nope, nuh-uh, not a good plan.”  

“Hmm. Point.” Finn opened his leftovers from the brunch on Saturday and popped them in the microwave. “I don't know. I've been probably way too honest with Poe, and it worked for me. I decided, really early on, that I wanted this to be a relationship, and I couldn't start it with falsehoods. Everything on the table. If she rabbits, I will get you so high on sugar from ice cream, you'll probably vomit. And we'll sit on my couch and watch those awful boring nature documentaries you love for whatever reason.”  

“When she disappears,” Jess sighed, “you’ll probably be fucking Poe, or maybe just feeding each other strawberries by hand like the disgustingly sweet couple you are.”

Poe hid his face behind his sandwich.  

Finn nudged Poe under the table, and nodded toward Jess. “We would never do that to you, Jess, and I hope you know that.”  

“Uh-huh.” Jess cracked open her thermos of soup and started shoveling it into her mouth. 

“What it comes down to, Jess.” Poe leaned towards her across the table. “It is a risk. No way around that. Is it worth it?”

Jess stared into her soup, then slurped up one long noodle. “I just want to bang her,” she mumbled at last.  

Finn glanced at Poe, then cleared his throat. “Okay. So go with the brief explanation, and again, if she leaves, then. Then ice cream and snow leopards, my apartment.”  

Jess glared at Finn, then Poe, then Finn again. “Fine. I’ll be responsible. And if shit hits the fan, then—” She deflated. “Then nothing’s changed, I guess.”  

“Sorry, Jess.” Poe patted her hand. “It sucks, it really sucks.”  

“But maybe it won't,” Finn murmured, running his hand over Poe's thigh under the table, more to comfort himself more than anything. “You deserve whatever you want, Jess.”  

“Sure, sure.” Jess stirred her soup like a suspiciously steaming science experiment. “Blahbity fucking blah. You have an opinion, Snap? Tell me you've got a more reasonable answer than these two lovebirds.” 

“Don’t look at me like that.” Snap buried his head further into his book and crunched down on another chip. “I just work here.”  

“Bullshit. You do it. Bang who you want, and however you want, besides,” Jess grumbled.

Snap glared at her, then shrugged. “Just let me know when you want another lecture on kink culture, Jessabelle. Until then, don't knock a system that sets clear boundaries and establishes trust. Maybe it’s exactly what you're looking for.” He crunched another chip, noticing the look sliding between Finn and Poe. “And you two. You need a lecture as well? Because you better not be dabbling with 50 Shades bullshit.”  

“Uh-uh, nope, that’s on the sign. No discussing each other’s private lives.” Poe kicked back in his chair. 

“Fair.” Snap kicked the legs of Poe’s chair until he thunked back down to the concrete floor. “Besides, I don’t bang ‘whoever and whenever.’ Negotiation and consent is  _ crucial.  _ Sounds like that’s what we’re dealing with here, too. Tell her your terms and conditions, see if she accepts. But make sure she actually reads them first.”  

Jess frowned. “That makes sense,” she allowed grudgingly. Then turned to suck her tongue out at Finn. “Why can't you make sense, like that?”

Finn sputtered over his potatoes.  

Poe patted Finn’s back. “Don’t worry about it, buddy. They just understand each other, that’s all.”  

Finn smiled back at him. “Thanks,” he whispered. He still felt like he was too sincere most of the time to get along with Jess and Snap, but then again, who had Jess come to when she wanted an answer, even if she hasn't liked the answer? Maybe he was doing okay.  

“Ok, enough about my problems already. Show’s over. Let’s talk about something more interesting, like  _ your  _ hot date this weekend. How’d it go?” 

“Jess. Do I have to make an actual sign so you all remember? I’m trying to run a respectable establishment here. No prying into each other’s sex lives.”

Jess’ face lit up in an evil grin. “You don’t even realize what you just did there, do you.” 

Poe stared blankly at her, then buried his face in his hands. “Fuck,” he groaned, voice muffled between his fingers.  

“Chow was great. Highly recommended. Especially if you're trying to bang your date. Great atmosphere.” Finn squeezed Poe's thigh and bumped shoulders with him in solidarity. 

“Good to know,” Jess said dryly, while Snap rolled his eyes and looked down at his book again.  

Poe stared at Finn in betrayal. “I  _ trusted  _ you!”  

“I'm just  _ trying _ to give advice.” Finn frowned. “I'm sorry?”  

“It’s ok, baby.” Poe patted Finn’s knee, and sighed. “Maybe we should just keep a bulletin board with a running score of who banged who, and when and where they banged, and any other relevant details? This whole ‘no prying’ rule is not working very well.”  

“Nope,” Snap said with finality. “Jess, stop teasing Poe. Finn, stop falling for it.”

“Mrmmm.” Jess pouted into her soup while Finn nodded rapidly.

“Good lord. That work, boss?” Snap asked Poe.  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “That works. Thanks, Snap. Look, can't you guys just talk about sports or something like a normal garage? Then we can have a nice friendly lunch without making me blush.”  

“Yeah, how ‘bout them Giants?” Jess drawled. 

“Jesus Christ, Jess, you know this is an Athletics Only garage.” Snap pushed back, stretching out, and Jess joined him as they continued to bicker over the Bay area baseball teams while walking back to work. 

“I'm not really a baseball person,” Finn whispered to Poe with a grin, as if he was revealing a huge secret.  

“Me neither,” Poe whispered back, and booped Finn’s nose. “But this way they can bother each other and we can eat lunch in peace.”  

“Tricky. No wonder I love you.” Finn ate some more, contemplative. “Would it—would it be better if I tried to get a job someplace else? I mean Farmstead was—was hiring. Or. I mean, I'm good at physical labor. I could get a job working the back of the grocery store, or—I just don't want you to be uncomfortable.”  

“What?” Poe stared at him. “No! God, no! No, buddy. No, I didn’t mean—no. I mean, if you want to get a job at a restaurant or something someday, follow your dreams, that’s wonderful. But you don’t need to leave just to stop them from teasing. They’ll stop, it’s fine. And if you want to keep bantering with Jess about the size of my dick or whatever you were going on about, that’s fine too. I’d just rather not be a part of that. You’re fine, buddy.”  

“Well, just know that I will defend your honor to my last breath.”  

“Thank you.” Poe smiled at him fondly, then kissed his cheek. “Jesus, never mind, it was better when they were here. I’m about five seconds away from violating every rule on that sign. Um. Ok.” He shoved the remains of his lunch back in his bag, stood up, and touched Finn’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here, buddy. Ok? Always. Even when they tease.”  

Finn checked his wristwatch. “Five more hours, a couple more I guess if we want to eat, and then I'm hoping you'll violate every rule. Maybe more than once.” He stood and pulled Poe into a kiss that was actually a horrible, awful idea. Because all he wanted to do was to press Poe against the door and keep going. But he broke off, shook his head, and stepped away.  

“Mmmph,” Poe said, and leaned heavily against the back of his chair.  _ Work, Dameron. Time to work.  _ “Work,” he managed. “Five hours. We got this.”  

Finn nodded slowly, mouth dry. “Yeah. Yeah, I need to get through like five oil changes so yeah. Okay. We got this. Love you.” He offered up a small wave and rushed out of the break room, readjusting himself in his pants.  


	25. Comforting Poe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe has a bad night with his knee, and Finn comes over to comfort him.

_ Shit,  _ Poe thought, easing himself out from beneath Ms. Wagner’s car.  _ Ohhhh shit.  _ He tried to stretch his knee a little, then leaned against the side of the car with a quiet groan. The job had taken him twice as long as he’d expected, nearly an hour after he usually left for home. The garage was eerily empty now, as quiet as it was when he went in at two in the morning to work off his nightmares. 

He dug some ibuprofen out of the bottom of his locker, swallowed it dry, and went through the closing-up routine at half-pace, limping from the dark office out to the main garage doors.  _ Fucking shit.  _ The sidewalk stretched before him, lit at distant intervals, endless and daunting. 

_ You can do this, Dameron.  _

He walked home step by aching step, teeth gritted. There was supposed to be a storm tomorrow, he remembered now. Rain was a good thing, he wouldn’t have to water his garden, the heat would lift for a day. Once the rain hit, he’d be ok, he’d be fine. Probably. He just had to hold onto that. 

He let himself into his house, limped over to the couch, curled up, and gave up for the day.  

**Finn:** Hey, I'm headed over.  

Poe flinched when his phone chimed with a new text.  _ Who would be—oh, shit, double shit.  _

**Poe:** Hey, buddy. I’m really not going to be great company tonight, sorry. I’m not sure it’s a great idea for you to come over.  

**Finn:** Oh yeah, that's okay. Can I bring you anything? I love you.  

Poe smiled tiredly at his phone, touched by Finn’s words. 

**Poe:** Love you too, buddy. I don’t think there’s anything you can bring that can really help right now, but thank you. 

**Poe:** Are you ok? How’s your night going?  

**Finn:** Yeah! I'm fine. Wasn't sure how long you’d be so I held off on dinner, but I think I'll throw together something now. 

**Finn:** I PROMISE not to chop my finger. ;)  

Finn’s texts were about as powerful as painkillers, Poe thought. Which wasn’t saying much, because the painkillers weren’t helping very much, but still. 

**Poe:** You’d better not. 

**Poe:** I got home maybe half an hour ago, not sure. Forgot to text you. I’m sorry.  

**Finn:** It's okay, babe. Can I do anything to help? You help me so much when I'm having a bad night.  

**Poe:** It’s just my fucking knee. Hurts. I don’t think you can talk me out of it, unless you can talk to the nerves? But thank you for offering. It’s really nice of you.  

**Finn:** *Yells at Poe's knee* stop being a dick! 

**Finn:** let me know if I'm bothering you. I'm just killing time while water boils but I can go read or something.  

**Poe:** Not bothering me! You’re really sweet, thank you. It’s wonderful. 

**Poe:** My knee says that it’s not a dick, the dick is another block north, just keep going until you find some bushes.  

**Finn:** *snort*

**Finn:** well tell Dick I'll miss him tonight  

**Poe:** We miss you too, buddy.  

**Finn:** I love you. I'm sad it's your knee, but I'm glad it's not something worse. You sure you don't want me to come over and massage it? No obligations, I can just do a drive-by massaging and come back home.  

**Poe:** I always want you to come over, buddy. I’m just really cranky tonight, and I kinda feel like shit. I don’t want to drag you down.  

**Finn:** No problem, honey. I'm sorry you feel like shit. *sends virtual hugs*  

**Poe:** Thank you. 

Poe stared at his phone, then bit his lip. 

**Poe:** Ok look I really don’t want to drag you down if you’re feeling good tonight that’s awesome and I’m really glad and I don’t want to hurt that but if you’re ok with coming over to just be here god i would love that but i’m not going to be great company tonight and it’s really ok if you don’t want to i don’t want you to feel obligated  

**Finn:** Have you eaten yet?  

**Poe:** No. Not sure I'm hungry.  

**Finn:** Okay, well, I'll pack up this pasta with me, and if you don't feel like having any, that's okay. See you in a little bit. :-*  

**Poe:** God, wait, really? You're coming? Oh my god. 

Poe covered his mouth with his hand, eyes stinging. 

**Poe:** Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you so much. Oh my god. You don’t have to, you really don’t.  

**Finn:** Give me forty or so minutes, babe. 

**Finn:** I'm really glad you asked me  

**Poe:** I’m so glad you’re coming over. Oh my god. I can’t believe it.   

Finn rushed to pack up his stuff, but the pasta needed delicate timing. He drained the penne and immediately dumped it into the egg, cheese, and bacon mixture, then stirred until the egg had cooked and the cheese had melted into a rich, creamy sauce. That task done, he poured it all into a glass container and stuffed it down in one of his canvas bags.

Ready, he picked up his phone again, and his heart broke a little at Poe's last message. 

**Finn:** I'm headed out. Believe it, man. I love you.  

**Poe:** I love you too. :-***************

Poe waited until he knew Finn would be ringing his doorbell in a couple of minutes, then sighed.  _ Ok, time for action.  _ He took a deep breath, gritted his teeth, struggled up from the couch, limped into his bedroom, grabbed the cane he kept well-hidden behind his bed, and hobbled back out to the mudroom to wait.  _ Too fucking old for him.  _

Finn depressed the doorbell once, and was surprised when the door swung open for him. “Hey, baby,” he said, sliding into the mudroom and brushing a kiss over Poe’s cheek. He noted the cane, noted Poe’s pained expression — his face was wrought with both physical pain and embarrassment -- and vowed not to comment. “Do you mind if I use a bowl and fork? I didn’t think to bring that.”  

“Yeah, of course.” Poe kissed him back, then started towards the kitchen. “Thank you for coming over, thank you, thank you. I never expected this.”  

Finn set his bag down on the kitchen counter, unpacking his pasta. “That’s likely why it doesn’t feel like an obligation, then. I’m happy to be here. My house was too quiet.”  

“Thank you.” Poe leaned back against the counter. God, Finn just brought a rush of life into the house, warmth and love and sweetness and— “I love you,” Poe said. “I’m grateful as fuck and a little out of it but I love you so much. I’m glad it didn’t feel like an obligation. It should never be, ever.”  

Finn scooped his pasta out into a bowl and tested it with a finger. Frowning, he put it in the microwave to reheat, then turned to Poe to smile. “That’s how I feel about my, um. Episodes, I guess? I hope you don’t ever feel obligated with that, either.”  

“No, buddy. Or—” Poe rubbed his forehead. “Or, I do, but—shit, I don’t know how to explain it. Like, I don’t feel  _ obligated _ as in it’s a thing I don’t want to do but I have to. I feel  _ obligated _ as in it’s a thing I want to do, to help you feel ok again. Like a commitment. I don’t think I would ever say no, unless I absolutely had to. But not because I feel like I  _ can’t  _ say no, because—because I care about you, and I want to help you feel better.”  

Finn stood in front of Poe and cupped his face in one hand, rubbing a thumb by the lines of pain etched there. “That was the perfect explanation for how I feel, too. I care about you, and I want to help you feel better. And I hope you’ll continue to ask me over when you truly want me here. Although it’s still totally fine to not want me here, ever. If you need that space.” He flinched a little when the microwave beeped, then calmed, and smiled at Poe, kissing him softly before turning to get his pasta.  

“Thank you,” Poe whispered again. “I pretty much always want you here, buddy. You’re too fucking good to me.”  

Finn took his bowl out of the microwave and then proceeded to burn his fucking fingerprints off on the ceramic. “Shit—ow. Yes. Okay.” He waved them around a little, then smiled back at Poe. “That was like the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me, but I’m a klutz, so, uh, sorry.”  

“Put your hands under water. For a long time, as long as you can stand it. Ideally twenty minutes, but if you can wait that long you’re a far better man than I, or an even better one than I already knew you were. That’ll keep them from blistering.”  

“Oh, I’m fine,” Finn replied, but obliged him anyway, running his fingers under cold water until the heat had subsided. “I’d swear that I wasn’t normally clumsy, but no, this has pretty much been my whole life. Used to—" Finn paused. “Nope. Not letting him in here anymore,” he murmured. He crossed back to the table and sat, blowing on his pasta a little.  

“Damn right.” Poe thought about hiding his cane against the counter and just walking over to the table, then thought better of it. He shoved his shame into a little ball in the pit of his stomach and limped over to the table, step by painful step. “I’ve never seen you be clumsy before, to be honest. Me, yes, plenty of times, especially when you give me one of your looks. But not you.”  

Finn laughed. “Well, besides the onion chopping. Oh, and the splinter you dug out of my ass.”  

Poe slumped into a chair and leaned his cane against the table. “Yeah, ok, I forgot those. But still. You're perfectly coordinated when it counts.” He smirked a little.  

Finn blew on a forkful of pasta and blushed, thinking of the thrust of Poe’s hips, slow and steady, driving him to peak. “Well, you too.”   

“Yeah?” Poe bit his lip. “Good to know.”  

“Mmmmmyeah,” Finn sighed around a mouth of penne. “Yeah.”  

Poe stared at him. “Don’t make me add  _ No Eating Pasta  _ to the sign in the office, buddy.”  

“Are you going to add ‘No Poe Dameron’, too? Because I think that might be the only thing that can help me contain myself.” Finn forked up another bite and chewed. “No, scratch that. Bad idea.”  

_ No. No, you’re not going to say it, Dameron, keep your fucking mouth—no way abort abort red alert come on please don’t—  _ “I don’t know, man,” Poe said softly, looking down at his hands. “I’m feeling pretty damn old for you right now.”  

Finn chewed thoughtfully, letting the silence slide, trying to figure the best solution to this particular puzzle. “They called me a miracle.”  

Poe looked back up at Finn, confused. “What?”  

“When I survived the explosion. When I survived the surgery. When I walked again. They kind of said it over and over. I think it was supposed to be motivating? But I’m not very religious, so… I don’t know. And I was in a pretty bad headspace. I’m glad it’s over now. I wish I could, I don’t know, share the way my body recovered, with you. I’d take a limp if it meant you weren’t in pain. But that’s not—that’s not what I meant to say. I meant to tell you that, um, I’ve been there. With the cane. And the pain. And the feeling like my body is betraying me.”   

Poe pressed his hands over his mouth, eyes stinging. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again and covered his face with his hands.  

Finn scooted his chair around the table and hugged Poe from the side. “I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I’m sorry. Gotta remember to shut up.”  

“No, no, you’re—” Poe hugged Finn back, as tightly as he could. “God.” He buried his head in Finn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry that you know what it’s like. You should never have to feel like that.”  

“I’m sorry that you’re still feeling it, honey. You’re so strong, to be handling it for so long. I’m so proud of you.” Finn stroked over Poe’s hair, and his back, really wishing that he could take a little of Poe’s burden for him.  

“Thank you,” Poe whispered, overwhelmed by the force of Finn’s love. “Oh god.  _ Thank _ you.”  

Finn wasn’t exactly sure for what, but he replied, “You’re welcome, Poe,” quietly anyway.  

Poe took a long, slow breath, trying to get his breathing under control, then another. “I love you,” he rasped. “I love you so much.”  

“I love you right back. With everything I have.” Finn rocked them a little in the embrace, letting the quiet of the kitchen wash over them.   

“Goes both ways, you know,” Poe murmured at last. “I’m glad you recovered so well. I’ll take the pain, if it means you’re—” His arms tightened around Finn. “You’re whole, and well, or at least mostly so.”  

“Thank you, baby.” Finn kissed Poe's cheek. “I just wanted you to know that I'm  _ never _ going to resent days or nights where you have to use the cane. Or time when you need to do your physical therapy. Or being asked to carry you somewhere on a night you really hurt. Okay?”  

Poe drew in a deep breath, then let it out, too tired of it all to protest. “Ok. Thank you. God, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”  

“Well, as to being too old. I mean, you did figure out my kissing emoji so I don't know.” Finn smiled at him. “But there are times when my back is aching and I feel like I'm about eighty. So I understand.”  

“Sorry, buddy.” Poe kissed the warm crook of Finn’s neck. “Call me up on those nights, ok? If you want to. Not sure I can carry you, but I can try to massage it better, or at least bring you what you need. Cuddle. Distract you. Whatever you want.”  

“It's pretty nice, huh? Not being alone anymore.”  

“It’s fucking weird, is what it is,” Poe muttered.  

“Awww. I'll try not to take offense to that. Relearning.” Finn kissed Poe's temple. “Do you want to take this to the couch? I could bring my pasta.”  

“No, no, I just mean—I’ve been dealing with this on my own for years now, I’ve been fine, I can handle it. It’s weird to think about—about asking someone for help. I mean, when it’s been really bad, I guess I’ve texted Jess sometimes, or Snap, or my dad. But pretty rarely. Usually I just huddle until it’s ok again. And it’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine. But—” Poe bit his lip. “It’s so much nicer with you here,” he whispered.    

“What's that saying? I don't want to survive, I want to live? Something like that motivated me to go to college, if I remember correctly.” Finn patted Poe's back. “I feel the same way about being with you. You make everything easier, not harder.”  

“I’m glad.” Poe leaned back and brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek, smiling a little. “Go eat your dinner, baby. I’ve already made it go cold, I think.”  

Finn left Poe's arms reluctantly, but just pulled his bowl closer, opening his free arm so Poe could lean into his side.  

“Mmm, you’re cozy.” Poe breathed in the fragrant pasta, still faintly steaming.  

“Glad to be of service, honey.” Finn speared up a bite, enjoying the cream of the sauce, the bit of bacon trapped in a penne noodle. “Want me to tell you about my Sunday?”  

“You mean I’m actually going to get that story now? You’re the meanest texter, I swear. Only little tidbits and nothing more.”  

Finn chuckled. “I didn't want to disturb your thing with your dad.”  

“Nah, I turn my phone off when I get to the farm. He’s a stickler for things like that. Also, he’d never stop teasing me or trying to see the text, if I looked at my phone at the table.”  

“Ah, okay. Well, in the future, I will make sure to text you all the details then.” Finn ate a little more. “So I managed to get through all of the work that I'd missed by starting the class late, so now I'm caught up. You're right, it's mostly writing stuff. I'm a little rusty, and I don't know how much I trust the spell check when the autocorrect on my phone messes up so badly. But I think it was okay.”  

“That’s awesome!” Poe held out his hand in a high five. “Good work, buddy. That must have taken forever.”  

Finn accepted the high five happily. “Yeah, I pretty much lived at the college yesterday. But my financial aid should be cleared soon, so I'm thinking about splurging on a laptop. I have a little money tucked away, by habit, I guess. Wasn't really saving up for anything. Could tap into it.”  

“Oooh, nice! Yeah, that should make your work a lot easier.”  

“Yeah. I was thinking of asking Rey to go shopping with me. She likes computers almost as much as she likes engines. I have a feeling I would get suckered into whatever.” Finn speared up another bite. “Sure you don't want any?”  

Poe hesitated. “I don’t want to take your dinner from you.”  

“I've got more,” Finn replied, nodding at the container on the counter.  

“Well.” Poe snuggled closer into Finn’s arm. “In that case, I’d love to try some.”  

Finn fed Poe the bite, warmth blooming in him at the scene: Poe, safe and sleepy in his arms, feeding him. Christ, he was so sappy. And he didn't give a fuck.  

“Damn, that’s good. You said you were just going to ‘throw some stuff together,’ but that doesn’t look like just ‘some stuff.’”  

“Carbonara. Four ingredients, six if you count salt and pepper. It's the best.” Finn took another bite himself, then offered again to Poe.  

“Mmm, thank you. Add that to the list of things I’d love for you to teach me how to make. Maybe I should get my own fork, huh?”  

“Let me.” Finn let Poe sit up, then got the extra pasta and a fork from the drawer. “Now we're set. Well, if I was serving it at a restaurant, you'd probably get some nice, crusty bread for dipping in oil and balsamic.” He handed the fork off.  

“Thank you, sweetheart. Oh my god. Why are you so amazing? This is really not how I thought my night was going to go. I have bread if you want it, and oil, and some kind of vinegar, I think, I forget what kind, it’s pretty old. But it’s not nice and crusty bread, that’s for sure. It’s…you know, bread bread.”  

Finn laughed. “This is good for now. I wouldn't have had it at home, either.” He kissed Poe's forehead as he watched him take another bite. “I'm really glad you invited me over.”  

“Really glad you came.”  

“How was your dad?” Finn hummed over a perfect bite.  

“Good! I told him you thought my abridged version of the compost lecture was fascinating. He laughed for about five minutes straight. It was great.”  

“I was thinking, since I got caught up, maybe this weekend? With your dad? If that's not too soon?” Between them, they'd finished off the pasta in Finn's bowl, so he pulled the container of extra over.  

“That would be great!” Poe beamed at Finn. “Oh, man.” He took another bite of pasta, then ventured, “I’d love to meet Rey, too, if you’d like. I mean, I’ve never really talked with her outside of group. She sounds like she’s really important to you.”  

Finn took a moment to think about the fiery young vet he'd met through group. “She is. She's been teasing me about you. Happy for me, obviously, but she’s aro so she just shakes her head when I mention things like sleeping over.”  

“Well, to each their own.” Poe grinned at Finn. “I’m a fan of the concept, generally.”  

“Me too, for sure.” Finn snuggled him in closer. “I'll invite her by the shop sometime.”  

“Why do I get the feeling she would revolutionize my entire process within her first fifteen minutes of looking around the garage?”  

“Ha, yeah, probably. She's brilliant. And I'm sure she'd love to show off the modifications she's done on her bike, considering her prosthetic.”  

“Yeah? That would be awesome! I’ve always wanted to take a closer look at her bike, it’s gorgeous. If she ever wants to start a bike repair shop in the side of the garage, tell her she’s more than welcome.”  

“I'll text her and tell her to stop by this week.” Finn’s heart bloomed a little at the idea of Poe and Rey becoming friends. “You're so inviting. Thank you.”  

Poe took another bite of pasta, then shrugged. “Seems like she’s your family. If you’re coming to meet my family, I’d like to meet yours, too.”  

“Mmm, you're right. I hadn't thought of her that way, but she is, just as much as you are.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled at Finn, then kissed his cheek. “But I’m not  _ family,  _ remember. No incest here.”  

“Well. Maybe before we started dating then. You were like family back then. But I probably have a pretty screwed up definition of that word anyway.”  

Poe watched Finn’s face for a moment, thinking. “Family is the people you love. The ones who love you too. The ones who look out for you and do what they can to help you. The ones you’d like to help in return. If that is—was—whatever—me and Rey, then that’s great, Finn. I’m glad you have people like that.”     

“It still is, baby.” Finn kissed Poe's cheek. “I like that definition. I like it a lot.”  

“Family is also, of course, the people who annoy the hell out of you on a regular basis, but that’s ok. Oh, and family can definitely include the ones with fur who are good at cuddling. You wanted one of those, right?”  

“Yeah. Definitely.” Finn sat back a little, running a hand happily over his stomach. “Mmm. Is there anything in the world better than being full, and in the arms of the one you love?”  

Poe leaned his head back on Finn’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “You know, flying is fucking incredible. I’ve never found something I loved more. This comes really damn close, and that’s just about the highest praise I’ve got, baby.”  

“You are the sweetest thing.” Finn smoothed back Poe's hair, kissed the crinkles by his eye. “Can I carry you to the couch? Or your bed?”  

Poe’s jaw tightened. “Right,” he coughed. “Um. Not sure it’s a great idea for you to be carrying me while it hurts like this. If I—if I—you could get hurt.”    

“Oh, okay. Well then, let's just hang out here for awhile then.”  

“You don’t have to stay, baby, if you’ve got stuff to do, more homework or something.”  

“I was thinking I could stay for another hour or so?” Finn snuggled Poe closer. “One thing I really like about this town? I’ve been a little worried about walking around after dark, you know. Black man walking the streets at night, must be trouble. But I've never been stopped, or confronted. Mrs. Patterson is normally out on her porch, waving. It's nice here. People are nice here.”  

“Anyone gives you trouble,” Poe growled, “give me their names and I will fuck them up. Gently. Or maybe a little less gently. I went to high school with Officer Hernandez, he’s a good guy.” He shook his head. “Um. Anyway. I’m glad people are nice. It’s a good town. People are good at minding their own business, at least most of the time.”  

“Oh, yeah, I think I met him when he came by the shop a few months back. I, um. Think my first reaction is always going to be “oh shit” when I see a uniform. But the same goes for anytime I see a drunk guy, so maybe it's something I can relearn, too. I don't know.”  

Poe twisted to see Finn’s face. “I’m sorry, baby.” He took Finn’s hand in both of his. “I’m happy to walk you home, or drive you, if that would help. Anytime. Well, ok, maybe not tonight? But any other night. You don’t need to work on relearning everything at once.”  

“Thank you, honey.” Finn squeezed Poe's hands. “It's been okay, here. I have to admit, though, that guy who tried to mug Rey had me scared for awhile.”  

“Shit, yeah. That’d shake anyone. I’m so glad she could fight him off.”  

“She's such a badass. Want to hear a confession?”  

“Uh-oh.”  

Finn laughed. “You always say that. Okay, so. When I first got here? I  _ may  _ have had a crush on her. Before my dick realigned.” He snorted at himself.  

“She’s pretty,” Poe shrugged. “And the way the two of you talk together is unbearably cute. Jess and I  _ may  _ have bet once on how long it would be before either of you finished a sentence by yourself. That was during the little coffee social thing, right after group. Half an hour later, neither of you had said a complete sentence without the other jumping in to finish it. Incredible.”  

“I love her. But, you know. Not in the same way. Not in the slightest, actually. I realized that fairly quickly. She's like my sister, now. And you are, as you are fond of saying,  _ definitely  _ not my brother.”  

“Damn right,” Poe nodded. “Glad you got that straight.”  

“Got that gay, too.”  

“Heyyyy, you’re learning!” Poe poked Finn’s thigh. “I’m so proud of you.”  

Finn snickered. “Thanks.”  

“Anytime, buddy.” Poe leaned back against Finn again, then shifted in place, trying to get comfortable. “Um. I think I would like to put my leg up, actually. Put a heat pack on it, see if that helps at all. Do you mind if we move to the bed now?”  

“No baby, of course not. Let's do it.” Finn let Poe sit up.  

Poe eased to his feet, grabbed his goddamn fucking cane, and leaned on it for a moment, gathering his strength.  

“Can I get your heating pad ready or anything?”  

Poe shook his head. “I can do it—” He stopped. “Um. Uh. That—yeah. That would be really great. Thank you. It’s in the cabinet above the microwave, top shelf. That embarrassing Superman-printed flannel thingy.”  

“You are a Superman to me.” Finn looked over at Poe's expression. “Okay, that was cheesy.”  

“You are a total cheeseball,” Poe agreed, face finally cracking into a smile. “And I like it.” He nodded at the flannel. “If you just stick it in the microwave for three minutes, that should do it.”  

Finn stretched up to reach it, then turned and kissed Poe on the cheek. “Go ahead and head to bed, baby, and I'll bring this in when it's ready.”  

“I can wait here with you.” Poe stepped carefully into the kitchen and leaned back against the counter.  

Finn popped the pad into the microwave, then crossed over to Poe and cupped his cheek. “I'm sorry you're still so in pain.”  

Poe shrugged. “I can walk. I have all my limbs, thank god.”  

“Yeah,” Finn murmured. “Rey does pretty well for herself, but yeah.”  

“Yeah, I didn’t mean—” Poe shook his head. “It could be worse, is all I mean. A lot worse. I’ll be all right.”  

“No, I understood. I'm glad it's not worse. I'm glad you don't have to rely on pain meds.” The microwave dinged, and Finn turned to retrieve the hot pad. He quickly slung it over his shoulder where it wouldn't be touching skin, and smiled at Poe. “Hot stuff, bad for fingers. I  _ can _ learn.”  

“There, see? You learned  _ two _ things today, buddy! Should have known you’d be an overachiever.”  

Finn turned toward the hallway with a grin. “Yeah, I spent a lot of my life trying not to stand out. It's weird to think about it being okay.”  

“Very ok, my man.” Poe braced himself for the pain and took a step towards the hallway, then another, leaning heavily on his cane.  

Finn went ahead, letting Poe work at his own pace, chattering to distract him. “The shop was crazy today. I'm not surprised you had to work so late. It seemed like all I could do to keep up with the oil changes. It's like everyone is getting ready for summer travel all at once. I bet they're all headed out for Memorial Day.”  

“Yeah. Oh, wait, shit—” Poe turned into the bathroom to take his evening pills and get a second dose of ibuprofen to keep on his nightstand for later.  

Finn rounded the bed and sat down on his side — _ his  _ side, his mind couldn't help but squeal —and waited for Poe.  

Poe couldn’t help but smile a little at the sight of Finn sitting on his bed, looking right at home in his space. He set the pills on his nightstand, leaned the cane by the wall where he’d be able to find it at night, and sat down on the edge of the bed in a grateful slump.  _ Made it.  _

Finn watched Poe situate himself in the bed, then handed the heating pad off, his hand lingering on Poe's side of the bed.  

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Poe arranged the heating pad over his knee, then stretched out on the bed and took Finn’s hand. “God, you’re so good to me.”  

“You are too. But I'm never going to get tired of hearing it.” Finn threaded their fingers together and scootched a little closer to Poe, crossing his legs and sitting up. “If I lay down, I'm probably going to fall asleep. But I just want another few minutes with you.” 

“You can stay as long as you like.” Poe ran his free hand down Finn’s thigh. “Not sure if I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”  

“That sucks large, I’m sorry. Do you have everything you need?”  

Poe shrugged. “I guess?” He smiled a bit and nodded towards Finn’s nightstand. “I’ve got  _ Zen  _ right there, after all. ‘Bout time I reread it.” He bit his lip. “Could you—maybe—do you want to—just—tell me a story, or something?”  

Finn reached over, stretching to grab the book and place it within Poe’s reach. “Yeah, I can totally do that. So, um, they sent me to Germany, of course, to recover. I wasn’t—I hadn’t identified the, um, abuse, then. There was this German nurse, old lady, but still spry and smart as a whip. She was what kept me going when I learned to walk again. Sorry, I didn’t meant to make this story sad. She was great. Frau Muller. She was older, and she knew just the right strokes to motivate me. Didn’t press so hard I burnt out, or so soft that I didn’t progress. She was, maybe, the first normal relationship I’d had with an adult. She taught me a little German. Not even enough to get through the streets, should we ever go on that vacation. But a little. She listened to me. She just. She was just. She was amazing. I was kind of sad when I’d recovered enough to get sent back home. I didn’t think there was anything waiting for me at home. Turns out, though—" Finn traced over the veins in Poe’s hand. “Turns out I just didn’t know you were waiting for me.”  

“Waiting  _ forever,”  _ Poe mock-grumbled. “Took you long enough.” He kissed Finn’s knuckles and snuggled in closer to his crossed legs. “I’m glad you had a good nurse. A good friend, when you needed one. Someone who listened to you, and cared about you.” He can imagine it all too easily—Finn’s scared eyes, a hospital bed in a foreign land, an unresponsive body, an uncertain prognosis.  

“One amazing nurse can make all the difference. I'm sure you've noticed.”  

“Mmm, that’s definitely true.” Poe yawned, surprisingly sleepy. It was so easy to feel safe here, with Finn by his side. “Did you ever get to sneak out of the hospital and explore the area a little?”  

“Frau Muller—Nadia, she had her daughter wheel me out one time. I think she might have been trying to set us up. But yeah, I'd. I'd, um, had a breakdown of progress. Again, I'm sure you know. I yelled at Nadia, scared away some volunteer. Not my proudest moment. But Nadia, she lets me sulk for about a half hour, then she's bundling me out in my chair and we're meeting her daughter outside. Ada. Nadia still had like, five more hours on her shift, so she'd called Ada in to take me out. Ada wheeled me to a park, and I still wasn't the best company. I feel bad for her, looking back. Though she seemed comfortable, so I probably wasn't the first American vet she'd helped her mom keep from going stir crazy.”  

Poe laughed softly. “Can’t imagine you sulking. Glad Nadia knew what to do. Hmm. Did you ever hit it off with Ada? Did she forgive you?”  

“Ada was. Hmmm. How to put it. Ada had her head screwed on gay. Very gay. I'm pretty sure Nadia knew, and it was more like she didn't want her daughter to be shunned by her parents, that kind of thing? But Ada was bringing her around.”  

“Hmm. That’s rough. I hope that worked out for them.” Poe stroked Finn’s thigh. “Are you still in touch?”  

“Yeah. I'm pretty sure if I didn't email once a month, Nadia would come to the States and track me down. Last one I got, Nadia had met Ada’s ‘nice girlfriend’ so I think it's going okay.”  

“I’m so glad, buddy! Is Nadia as good at listening in emails as she was in person?”  

Finn was quiet for a moment. “She is. I told her about us, and she was okay with it? And she's proud of me for going to college, invited me back to learn how to make the best schnitzel in Germany.” He smiled, then sobered. “I don't tell her some stuff, though I think she suspects. About my past, I mean. I didn't really—I went straight from my dad to the army. It wasn't. Wasn't all that different, in some ways. So I didn't really...understand, I guess. What he'd done to me. When I came back, I was free. For the first time, free. I, um, kind of freaked out. He got so loud, you know? That's when I was, um, going to clubs and—" He blew out a breath. “Sorry. This isn't exactly a lovely bedtime story.”  

“Why are you ashamed of it?” Poe asked softly. “Going to clubs, and all.” He studied Finn’s face, then patted the bed next to him. “Come cuddle?”  

Finn crawled over, then snuggled right against Poe, his head pillowed on Poe's warm chest, their hands still linked. “I could have gone for alcohol to drown him out, but he—that was his vice. Drugs, also a possibility, but something about them scared me and stopped me from going further. I guess I don't see the sex as any different, though. Still just a vice I was using to drown out my demons rather than deal with them.” Finn rubbed his cheek on Poe's chest. “I get what you mean about not being ashamed about it, but it's hard not to when I'm so much prouder of making myself deal with it, with him. And I'm happier now, too. Like, back then I was scared of dealing with it, so I turned to sex with strangers. I don't see it as any different than becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic.”  

“I see what you mean.” Poe stroked Finn’s soft hair. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that it seems like nearly everyone who’s come into group has dealt with a vice at some point, any kind of vice. I made my little fortress-life here and hid away from the world rather than deal with any demons, that’s not much better than drinking. Safer, maybe, but no more helpful than drinking would have been. It—it takes a long time to figure out how to deal with demons, you know? You need  _ something  _ to lean on.” 

Poe listened to the quiet rhythm of Finn’s breath for a moment, then added, “So if you don’t have any support, if you’re not up in a monastery somewhere or safe with family or anything like that, you may need to lean on a vice until you reach a point where you’re strong enough to tackle your demons head-on. A vice can help you feel ok when nothing else does, and then distract you from your real demons by making you feel like you need to deal with the vice itself. I’m glad you don’t feel like you need to do it any more. I’m glad you got through safely, that you’re still healthy. And I'm glad you had something to lean on, when you needed it. Something to hold you up until you could deal with your demons.”  

“I just—" Finn paused, tears choking his words. “I'm just so glad you get it.”  

“Sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn’s head, wrapped his arm around Finn’s shoulders, and drew him in closer. “Oh, sweetheart.”  

Finn closed his eyes, letting himself feel the warmth of Poe's arms around him.  When the tears had ceased, he looked up, met Poe's gaze, and took his lips in a sweet kiss. “Thank you.”  

“Of course, baby.” Poe kissed him back, then brushed the tears off Finn’s cheeks. “I’m sorry your life’s been so hard. I’m so fucking sorry.”  

“Yeah,” Finn huffed out in a watery laugh. “Same goes. You deserved better.”  

“Mmm?” Poe shrugged. “I’m here.”  

“And I'm so glad. That you're here. That I'm here. That we made it to the same spot, somehow, and ended up together.”  

“It’s a pretty nice spot, isn’t it?” Poe grinned at Finn.  

“It is.” Finn settled his hand on Poe's stomach, watching the rise and fall, until he realized he was getting drowsy. He sucked in a big breath through his nose, pulling away from Poe's embrace reluctantly. “I should go.” His hand smoothed over Poe's cheek and he sighed, then leaned in again to kiss him. “I love you, and I hope you feel better. Don't hesitate to take tomorrow off if you need to. We'll hold the fort.”  

“I’ll be all right, I think. The storm’s supposed to start around dawn. That should help.” Poe bit his lip. “Good night, baby. Thank you for coming over. You  _ are  _ a miracle. You know that? I’m a very lapsed Catholic, but I think I still know a miracle when I see one.”  

Finn's smile trembled. “You're going to make me cry again,” he accused feebly. He brought up one of Poe's hands to brush his lips across the knuckles. “I love you. I'll see you tomorrow, and I'll text you when I get home.” He eased off his side of the bed, then lingered at the doorway to smile dopily at Poe.  

Poe swallowed hard. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he rasped, trying to say everything he couldn’t put to words. He stared intently at Finn, trying to memorize his face well enough to keep it with him all night. “I love you too.”  

With a last blown kiss, Finn headed off to the kitchen to do their dishes and pack his stuff away. With a small smile, he scrawled something on a piece of scrap paper and affixed it to the fridge. He let himself out the side door, hoping Poe world be safe enough with it unlocked. With one last look at his message, Finn smiled and walked away. 

WE CAN DO THIS.  

Once the door clicked shut behind Finn, the house felt eerily quiet. Poe adjusted the nearly-cold heating pad over his knee, linked his arms behind his head, and stared at the ceiling.  _ You’ll be ok, Dameron. You would have spent the night like this anyway, if he hadn’t visited. You should feel less lonely, not more, because you got to see him tonight.  _

_ Bullshit. _

Poe clenched his fists to ground himself. He should have thought to light the votive before lying down, because there was no way he was getting up to light it now. He stared at it instead and ran through one Hail Mary, then another, trying to quiet his brain.  _ Not working not working this isn’t working I’m alone all alone no one is coming to rescue me I’ll die here all alone—  _

With a gasp, Poe sat up and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to conjure Finn's hug.  _ I’m all right. I’ll be all right.  _ He looked around the room, tracking the familiar objects, reorienting himself.  _ My knee hurts. That’s all. I’m here. I’m safe. I’m ok. I know how to do this. Tomorrow will come, and I’ll feel better, and I’ll go to work, and Jess will gripe about how her hair doesn’t behave when it rains, and Snap will say hello with one raised eyebrow like usual, and I’ll give Finn a good-morning kiss. I’ll be ok.  _

His eyes fell on  _ Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,  _ propped halfway up on Finn’s pillow. He reached for it, then settled back against his headboard and cracked it open. He’d know his own copy anywhere—the creases on the spine that opened to his favorite spots, the familiar lines that rumpled the pages, the spine that had faded from the light far more than the front and back covers, the set of pages in the back that were one more read-through away from falling out entirely… 

Poe could hear the way Finn’s quiet breath aligned with the soft rustle of the turning pages. He could see the way Finn cradled the book in his palms, fingers outlined in gold by the dim nightlight. 

Poe set his fingers to the same places, flipped to the beginning, and started to read.  

\----------------------

Finn's bed felt cold, and his dad was a little too loud here, but he pulled the covers up tight and tried to block it all out. It didn't do to rehash things before bed, he decided for the future. He rested a hand on the sheets to his left, tried to imagine holding Poe's again.  

——————————————

Poe woke up to the welcome sound of rain drumming on the roof. He stretched carefully— _ oh, thank god.  _ His knee wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been the night before. A little sore, a little stiff, nothing he couldn’t handle. He wasn’t really sure when he’d finally fallen asleep, but it must have been fairly late into the night, because he only felt like a quarter of a human being. 

But that was ok. As long as he could get to work and slip back into his routine, he’d be all right. 

By the time Poe stepped into the kitchen, freshly showered—ok, it had been a really short shower, but still, he’d managed it—and dressed, he felt like at least half of a human being, which was a vast improvement. He pulled a bowl and glass from the cupboards, downed a glass of water, filled his bowl with cereal, and shuffled to the fridge to get the—

Poe stared at the fridge for at least five minutes, hands pressed over his mouth, eyes stinging. 

**Poe:** I LOVE YOU

**Poe:** I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

**Poe:** YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH

**Poe:** DAMN YOU FOR MAKING ME CRY

**Poe:** THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU 

**Poe:** YOU’RE A FUCKING MIRACLE AND I LOVE YOU  

The buzzing of Finn's phone woke him from a fuzzy sleep, overly warm. He was face down in bed, his hips rutting slowly against it, his morning wood almost painful. Oh. Right. He'd been dreaming about Poe. He blushed and steadied his hips, reaching over for his phone. He groaned, and squinted at the screen, then broke into a smile. 

**Finn:** I'm hoping this is about my message.

**Finn:** I was just dreaming about you.  

**Poe:** It is! Did I forget to say that?

**Poe:** I forgot to say that. Ok. Not surprised. 

**Poe:** This is about your message! And also about you in general, but that’s what prompted the capslock. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are the sweetest.  

**Finn:** I love you to pieces :-*  

**Poe:** I love you too, but not to pieces, that sounds unpleasant.  

**Finn:** lol, fair 

**Finn:** How's the knee today?  

**Poe:** Functioning, thank god. 

**Poe:** How are you?  

**Finn:** well other than the raging boner from my dreams, great  

Poe stared at his phone for at least half an hour before his brain kicked back into gear. 

**Poe:** Glad you had good dreams ;)

**Poe:** maybe you can share with the class? 

**Poe:** maybe later. you already fried my brain. how am i supposed to go to work now?  

**Finn** : sorry (not sorry) 

**Finn:** Dream you is just as good with his mouth as you are, just let me put it that way  

_ I married a sex fiend,  _ Poe thought, dazed, then shook his head.  _ We’re not married, fuck, what is wrong with me? _

**Poe:** Sounds like I didn’t finish the job, though. Sorry bout that ;)  

**Finn** : Ah, well. What's a little frustration around heavy machinery? :P  

**Poe:** Well, maybe you should work that out before you get hurt. You already hurt your thumb…would be a shame for anything else to happen :( 

**Finn:** Hmm, well, I suppose so. *sigh*  

**Poe:** No promises but uh

**Poe:** if we’re both feeling ok tonight

**Poe:** maybe I can make it up to you  

**Finn:** mmmm. I concur. No promises but. 

**Finn:** okay, I guess I should get up, my boss is expecting me  

**Poe:** sooner you clock in, sooner you can clock out, sooner we can get going? ;)  

**Finn:** Damn. You know how to motivate. 

**Finn:** love you. See you soon

**Finn:** we can do this ;)  

**Poe:** <3 <3 <3 :-o

**Poe:** (that’s a french kiss)  

**Finn:** thanks for clarifying

**Finn:** I thought that might be something else   <.<  

**Poe:** Uh oh 

**Poe:** Do I want to ask what?  

**Finn:** tonight you do

**Finn:** see you soon, baby  

**Poe:** see you  <3

**Poe:** DAMMIT I just realized what you meant!!!!!!!!!!!

**Poe:** you are the WORST

**Poe:** i am going to be late for work and it is all your fault

**Poe:** thank you ;)  

Finn smirked, then considered his situation. Chewing on his lip, he decided against getting off, hoping it paid off in the end. Sighing, he took a cold shower, hurrying through his morning routine. 

Remembering his talk with Poe last night, he shot off one last text before heading out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (there were actually 3 irl hours between Finn's 'thanks for clarifying' and Poe's 'DAMMIT'. Apparently I [BLit] am very slow on the uptake, especially when it comes to innuendo.)


	26. Rey's Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey comes to visit the shop and it doesn't go exactly like Finn hoped.
> 
> Warning: Authors who have no idea about cars writing about cars :D

“No, you want to look at the carburetor, not the cylinders.”

Finn jumped, then nearly banged his head on the hood, but he banged it into Rey’s cane, instead, where she’d held it up to keep him from hitting — something. Hmmm. “Rey, I didn’t expect you to drop by right away.” He offered her a side hug, which she took for about a second, then took the wrench from Finn’s hand.

“Give me that, it’s going to take me ages to explain, I’ll just do it myself.” She smiled at him, though, and tempered her crisp words a little. 

“How’d you get back here? Poe doesn’t normally let people just wander into the car area.”

Rey shrugged as she adjusted something in the engine. “I don’t know, I just slipped back. It was easy. So, you want me to give your boyfriend the stamp of approval, huh?”

Finn nodded, then shook his head. “No. He already has all the approval he needs. He wanted to meet you.”  

“Dammit, Rey.” Jess lounged against the side of the car and grinned at her. “You going to show us all up? Finn needs all the help he can get to show off in front of the boyfriend.”  

“Listen, I’m not just going to lounge around and watch Finn poke the wrong thing, or what kind of friend would I be?” Rey leveled her wrench at Finn. “What do you say? Been poking the wrong thing?” 

Finn sputtered. “You’re supposed to be on my side here, not gang up on me with Jess.”  

“Excuse you!” Jess stuck out her tongue at him. “I’m not ganging up against you! I’m trying to help you!”  

“Try it now.” Rey nodded at the car.

Finn settled in the driver’s seat and turned the ignition. The engine caught, and with no strange clunking sound the owner had heard before. “Hey, nice!” He shared a grin with Rey as she lowered the hood and he turned the car off. He pushed out of the seat again and high-fived her. “Hey, I’m just going to go get the Ferraras’ paperwork cleared so they can drive this home. They’ve been patient. You okay here with Jess?”

“Of course, Okira. Jess and I get along just fine, don’t we, Jess?” She was barely using her cane, which meant the prosthetic must not be causing too much pain today. But the leg was capricious, and she’d told Finn once that she’d learned quickly never to leave home without it.  

“Sure we do.” Jess grinned at Rey. “It’s great to get an ally. Have any more ideas for a prank against Finn? Oh, wait, let’s plan that later. Sometime when  _ Poe isn’t lurking behind the bushes,”  _ she called.

“Remind again why I put up with you?” Poe stepped out from behind the florist’s bright pink car and scuffed his foot along the floor. “Hey, Rey. I hear you’re making trouble already?”  

Rey eyed him shrewdly, then broke, smiling. “Miss you ‘round group, Poe.” She tapped her cane in his direction.  

Poe shrugged. “Miss you too. All of you. But this seemed like a better idea. That way Finn can give you all the juicy gossip.”

“That would be great if he actually  _ delivered,”  _ Jess grumbled.  

“Hmm, well, you just have to catch him when he’s been working his brains out on college stuff. I caught him off guard with a text on Sunday, and he—" Rey paused, then smiled her innocent smile. “But I shouldn’t.”  

“Of course you should.” Jess clasped her hands beneath her chin. 

“Jess,” Poe said. “The sign.”

Jess narrowed her eyes at Poe, then sighed.  _ Catch me later,  _ she mouthed at Rey. 

“I heard that.” Poe raised an eyebrow at Jess, then turned to Rey. “Welcome to the shop,” he said. “I work with children. Excluding our mutual friend, of course, he’s plenty sane, but the rest of these lunkheads…”   

“Wait, is there actually a sign? I thought Finn was just joking.” Rey walked around the next car, inspecting the mess of parts under the hood. “It’s a nice place, Poe. Sorry I haven’t dropped by before. Maybe I would have, if I’d realized Finn’s heart was so in danger here.”  

“In danger!” Poe swallowed. “I hope not.”  

“Me too,” Rey murmured.

“Wait, wait. Is this the shovel talk? Can you pause a sec? I need to get some popcorn.” Jess smiled wolfishly at them both.  

“Jess, I’m pretty sure you have work to do.”

“Well  _ I’m  _ pretty sure that Finn’s  _ hiding behind Mr. Nguyen’s car,  _ what is it with you two scaredy-cat boys? What a pair.” Jess made a face at Poe, then disappeared back to her own workstation.  

Finn cleared his throat. “Um. I’m just going to bring the Ferraras’ car around for them. Rey, behave.” He slipped into the car and drove it out of the garage. 

“It’s not a shovel talk, per se,” Rey said quietly to Poe when Finn had left again. "It’s just that—" Rey cut off, looking Jess’s way. “Do you have a place we could talk?”  

Poe shrugged. “Just about lunchtime. You want to go out back?”  

“Sure.” She swung her cane over her shoulder and followed Poe out. “Listen, the shovel talk is insulting to everyone. I’m not here to imply that Finn can’t take care of himself. Of course he can.”  

“Damn right.” Poe settled into the grass.  

“I try that, I’m not making it up again,” Rey murmured, then paced in front of Poe. “I’m worried about him. He’s so happy, what’s going to happen when reality comes crashing back around his ears?”  

Poe's stomach lurched. He eased himself up to match Rey and leaned against the side of the  garage. “I thought this wasn't a shovel talk,” he croaked.  

Rey paused, and crossed her arms over her chest. “Did he tell you about his—" Rey waved the thought away. “It doesn’t matter, if he hasn’t, he will.” She chewed her lip. “You’re a good man, Poe. Give him what he deserves.” She rubbed a hand over her face, looking older than she should, and more tired.  

“If you’re trying to tell me I’m not what he deserves,” Poe rasped, “I know that. I told him that.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “He deserves someone safer. More stable. Someone who has his shit together. Who’s not going to be a liability.”  

“I don't know, I don't  _ know!”  _ Rey bit out, frustrated. “I can't imagine  _ anyone _ being safe enough to be with. I just.” She leaned against the wall, ire drained. “He's so happy, so obviously you're what he imagines as safe and stable. I'd like to think he has enough smarts to leave if you weren't.”  

Poe looked at his hands. “I’m trying to tell myself that,” he said quietly. “He believes in us. He wants me to believe in us too. So I am, or at least I’m trying to.” A footstep crunched on the gravel behind the garage, almost imperceptibly silent. Poe kept his eyes down.  

Rey cut her eyes over to Finn, who looked upset. “Finn, I—We—"

“I'm not some naive innocent who needs to be protected, Rey.” Finn couldn't help but let the anger slide into his voice. 

“Yeah? Because you've been acting like a Disney princess, falling in love with someone at first sight,” Rey retorted, and Finn gasped, and sputtered.  

“Eight months is not first sight, Rey.” Poe wrapped his arms around his ribs to protect himself from the hurt look on Finn’s face. “I appreciate your concern. I’d like to give Finn space to make his own decisions.”  

Rey looked between them, lost, a little. Then looked down, chewing on her lip. “I'm sorry, Finn. I started this whole thing out saying I trusted you to take care of yourself. Maybe that's less true than I thought.”

Finn’s hands twitched at his sides. “I  _ can _ take care of myself, Rey. Or.” He thudded against the wall. “I mean, I do need help, so maybe I can't.”

“No, that's not—" Rey sputtered, taking a step toward Finn.

Poe clenched his hands into fists, unsure if he was allowed to touch Finn or if he’d screwed up again. “You’re all right, buddy,” he said softly. “It’s ok to need help sometimes.” He looked up at Rey. “Are you done yet? If you came to tell me it’s a bad idea, fine, I knew that already. We’re trying to work things out. All right?”  

Finn turned, taking one of Poe's hands. “I don't want this to happen. Rey, I don't want you to disapprove, but I also don't… I'm not leaving Poe. Ever, as far as  _ I'm _ concerned.” 

Rey’s lip trembled, but the stubborn set of her shoulders remained. Finn smiled a little, and held out his hand, pulling her in when she accepted it, and kissing the top of her head. She looked over at Poe. “I was probably never going to think anyone was good enough for Finn,” she murmured, a half-apology.  

Poe shrugged, holding tightly to Finn’s hand. “I agree with you on that, at least.”  

“See,  _ that's _ what I wanted. My best friends agreeing with each other. If only it was over something more pleasant.” 

Rey smirked a little. “Well, if it's agreement you want, Poe, what did you think about the decommissioning of the F Super Hornet? I think it's terrible. You?”

Poe shrugged. “I’ve heard the H model handles a lot better. Haven’t had a chance to fly it, though.” He turned to Finn. “You all right, buddy?” he murmured.  

Finn leaned into Poe, brushing his lips over Poe's cheek. “I think so. I  _ can _ take care of myself.” He looked at Rey. “I'm going to be really sad if you can't accept Poe.” 

“I accept Poe just fine. He's great. It's your  _ boyfriend  _ I'm having trouble with,” Rey grumbled.  

Poe nodded, eyes on his feet. “Well, that makes two of us.”  

“No.” Finn shook his head vehemently. “No! You are not—we—dammit Rey!” Finn let go of both hands and stalked away. He turned, knowing he probably looked like hell, angry as he was. “No! We are _ not _ taking two steps backward here.” He sat down hard on a pile of tires, almost tipping them over in the process. Having to catch himself from falling used most of his angry energy up, and when he'd righted, he looked back at Poe, mumbling, “We can do this, remember?”  

Poe held Finn’s eyes for a moment, then nodded. He looked at Rey, then back at Finn. “You two want to work this out amongst yourselves?”  

Poe's non-answer felt cold on Finn’s skin, in his heart. He'd thought- But if it just took one person, one annoying little person to surface Poe's doubts, how…? How. How was he supposed to get Poe to believe him, ever? 

Rey watched first Poe's face, and then Finn’s. As the silence lengthened, she squirmed, uncomfortable, as always, by opening her mouth and sticking her foot in. “I'm sorry, Poe.”  

Poe nodded at her, then turned back to Finn. “You want me to stay here, or should I get back to work?”  

“I want you to stay, always,” Finn whispered.  

Poe smiled a little. “I just meant right now, buddy. Do you want to hash this out with Rey?”  

“I guess I can let you leave, if you give me a kiss.” A smile drew up Finn's lips.  

With a quiet huff of breath, almost a laugh, Poe pressed a quick kiss to Finn’s lips. “Don’t hurt each other too badly, ok? I don’t have time to mop blood out of the grass.”  

“I'll be back in soon.” Finn pressed their lips back together again, then patted Poe's ass. “Technically we're not in the garage right now,” he said in his defense.  

Poe snorted. “You’re all right, buddy.” He walked blindly back into the garage, stepped into the office, and locked the door, not bothering to turn the light on.  

Outside, Finn crossed his arms over his chest. “Protecting me doesn't give you the right to attack other vulnerable people, Rey.”  

Rey folded her arms and stared right back at him. “He was supposed to argue. Tell me why he was good for you. That’s all I wanted to hear.”  

“He doesn't think he's good for me. It's something we've been working on.”  

Rey shrugged. “How was I supposed to know that? You don’t even  _ tell  _ me these things.” She scuffed her shoe in the dirt. “I’m sorry, I guess. I think that’s what I’m trying to say here. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”  

“I didn't tell you because it's not my trigger to tell about. But you're right, I can't be mad at you for something you didn't know.” Finn sighed. “He's helping me rewrite history, it feels like. So yeah, I'm safe. I don't know if he's ever going to think so. I hope so, though.”  

Rey studied his face, then nodded.  _ Lacks normal human social skills,  _ her file had said. Right again, as always. “I’m sorry, Finn. I shouldn’t have meddled.”  

Finn pulled her into a hug, keeping it light. “I know, babe. And I think… If something happens between Poe and I, if we break it off for some reason, god forbid. It's going to hurt like hell. But he's taught me a lot about myself. I think I'd be strong enough to withstand it.”  

Rey leaned her head on his shoulder. Hugs from Finn were the  _ best  _ hugs, and not just because they were the only hugs she ever tolerated. “I’m glad,” she whispered. “I’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here. Even when I say things I shouldn’t say. If you ever need me, just call, all right?”  

“Always. Hey, you're still my emergency contact.”  

“Good. You will…probably always be mine.” Rey hesitated. “I hope.”   

“Girl, I got your back, always.” Finn laughed a little. “Must be my lot in life to be constantly convincing the people I love of  'always’.”  

“No, that’s not what I—” Rey’s shoulders twitched up. “I just meant—I don’t think I made a great first impression on your boyfriend. If he asks you not to hang around me—”   

“I doubt he's going to ask that. But if he does, we'll have a talk about it. You aren't going to lose anyone, Rey.”  

“Well.” Rey closed her eyes. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are either. He looks at you like you're a clear day, favorable winds, no clouds in the sky.”  

“Yeah?” Warmth bloomed in Finn's chest. “That's all pilot for ‘good’, right?”  

“That’s pilot for ‘I can see forever, I could keep flying forever, I’ve found my place in the world.”  

“Oh. God, I hope he can see that, then.”  

“I hope so too.” Rey stepped back at last and looked at Finn. “Do you think I should talk to him?”   

Finn chewed his lip. “I'm not sure. I was going to go talk to him. He's—he's getting there, Rey. I think. Maybe in a few days?” He smiled a little. “Or you could finish up the belt change on that pink car. He hates those.”  

“That’s because he does them wrong. It’s ok, don’t look at me like that, everyone does. I’ve got a  _ system.  _ I’ll teach you someday.”  

Finn snorted. “I love you.” He kissed her hair, then released her.  

“Go talk to your boyfriend, peanut.” She poked his ass on her way back to the garage.  

Finn smiled at her retreating figure, then turned to head inside. A quick search of the garage showed Poe was in his office. He knocked lightly. “Hey, Poe, it's me.”  

Poe wiped his face as thoroughly as he could and—fortunately—remembered to turn the light on before opening the door, in order to not look  _ too _ weird. Hopefully. “Hey,” he said. “Um. I’m sorry I kinda fought with Rey. Do you want me to go apologize to her?”  

Finn saw the glint of tears in Poe's eyes, and opened his arms. “Hey, no need. She wanted to come apologize to you.”  

“Um.” Poe stepped back from the door and motioned Finn inside. “Maybe I can talk to her later? I’m, uh. I’m sorry. I hurt you too.” He swallowed. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”  

Finn stepped inside.  “Can I hold you?” he whispered.  

Poe nodded.  

Finn circled his arms around Poe. “I'm sorry she questioned you. That's not what I wanted to happen when she came by here.”  

Poe nodded again, chest hollow. “I’m sorry I let her shake me.” He hesitated. “Are—are you ok?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, baby, I am. I'll admit, I don't like seeing you shook. But we're working on it, right?”  

“Right.” Poe finally figured out how to bring his arms up to hug Finn back. “I’m trying,” he mumbled into Finn’s shoulder. “I’m trying.”  

“You're doing a good job. Really good job. And we deserve this.” Finn placed a kiss to Poe's temple. “Remember the dream. You know what I saw on Saturday?”  

“Saturday?” Poe asked, confused.  

“When we were in the garden. I could imagine it perfectly. A sunny day. Maybe I’d made lemonade. And you were showing our kid —he looked like Aaron, I’ll admit —how to pull the right weeds and not the sprouts. And our dog was running around the yard, chasing the butterflies, and the bees were buzzing, and neighbors waved as they walked by. It was a good daydream.”   

“Oh, god.” Poe gripped Finn tighter. “I like that daydream,” he croaked. “I  _ love  _ that.”  

Finn’s hands splayed over Poe’s back, spreading their warmth and bringing him closer. “I have faith we’re going to get there. Just like you have faith that I’m going to own my own restaurant someday.”  

“Well, but that’s  _ easy  _ to believe in. Anyone can see you’re going to go on to do great things.”  

“Yeah, and some of those great things are going to involve you. Like building a life together. Even if we’re still a little shaky on the foundation.”  

Poe sighed and huddled closer to Finn. “Yeah,” he said, and took a deep breath. “Yeah.”  

Finn tipped Poe’s face up, kissing his drying cheeks. “I love you.”  

“I love you too.” Poe’s voice scraped against his throat. “I’m sorry.”  

“No apologizing for it, remember?” Finn held Poe’s eyes. “Do you feel better? Or would you rather I leave, so you can think?”   

“I should get back to work. What time is it?” Poe twisted his head to find the clock. “Ok, we’ve got a couple minutes. Um.” Poe touched Finn’s cheek. “You’re sure you’re ok?”  

Finn leaned into Poe’s touch just a little, letting his eyes flutter closed. “Yeah,” he breathed out. “I wish it had gone a little better, but yeah. That’s what happens, I guess, when we have to navigate three different sets of insecurities. Rey’s worried you’ll tell me I can’t hang out with her anymore, because of this.”   

“What?” Poe straightened up from the hug, startled. “Why the hell would I do that?”  

Finn opened his eyes and met Poe’s. “I’m not quite sure how her head works, honestly, but she admitted that to me, so maybe that was a part of it.”  

“Huh.” Poe settled back into Finn’s arms. “I’ll have to go talk to her. Um. Someday.”  

“This whole ‘meet the family’ thing is going super well,” Finn teased, his heart rate picking up at the thought of meeting Poe’s dad on Sunday.  _ What if it goes like this did? Ah, God. _

“I’m sorry,” Poe sighed. He cupped Finn’s cheeks in his hand, startled by a sudden thought. “My dad will not give you any kind of talk even  _ remotely _ resembling a shovel talk,” he growled. “Me continuing to come to Sunday lunch is at stake, so I’m pretty confident he’s going to cooperate.”  

Finn shook his head vigorously. “No, oh God, I’d never want to come between you guys.”  

“No, no—I just mean that I threatened him with never coming to lunch again. I don’t think I’d really follow through with it, and I don’t think he thinks I really would, but still. He’s going to be on his best behavior. I promise you.”  

“Okay.” Finn ran through a quick breathing sequence, then laid his head on Poe’s shoulder. “I can’t even fathom having that kind of a relationship with my dad. But I’m glad it works for you guys.”  

“To be fair, this is really not normal for us. I’ve never threatened him with anything before, and I’m not sure I would again. This was, uh. Important. So.”  

“Oh,” Finn whispered, then: “Thank you.”  

“Of course, baby.” Poe kissed Finn's temple. “I love you.”  

“See, you  _ are _ a little confident in our relationship, at least.”  

Poe’s breath huffed out in a tired laugh. “I just don’t want anyone stealing my thunder and fucking us up before I have a chance to.”  

“Ah, well. That's why I'm here. To keep reminding you you're not going to fuck up.” Finn squeezed him, and glanced at the clock. “And that's lunch.”  

“Thank you,” Poe sighed. He kissed Finn again, then gave him one last pat on the ass as they parted. “I’m just going to get a hat, ok? Two hats, one for each of us. That say  _ we can do it _ on a little flap hanging down in front of our eyes.” He cackled at the idea.  

Finn laughed. “Yes. I think I'm going to get it tattooed on my eyelids.”  

“Ew! God, no. That would hurt like fuck.” Poe held the door for Finn.  

“Well fine, if you insist.” Finn waited in the hallway, then molded his hand over Poe's ass. “Mmm. Hey. Love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe grinned at him. 

“Seriously, though.” Jess stuffed her lunchbag back into her locker and flapped a hand at the pair of them. “It’s like you can’t go  _ anywhere  _ now without seeing this kind of shit.”

Rey giggled. “It is pretty gross, isn’t it?”  

“You keep teasing, Pava, and I'm just going to make out with him right here and now.” Finn grabbed his sandwich, and turned to take it out to the floor. 

“Well, that wouldn't be the gross part. I mean, that's just free porn,” Rey pointed out. “It's the  _ domesticity  _ of it all.” She mock shuddered.  

Poe shrugged. “To each their own, no?” He smiled nervously at Rey, then followed Finn out to the cars. “You’d better not be planning to eat that while working, buddy. That is definitely gross, no questions about it. Engine oil is  _ not  _ a condiment. Take a break, don’t choke.” 

“Um, excuse  _ you,” _ Jess sighed. “Some of us aren’t getting  _ any  _ kisses, so it is very gross to watch other people make out like they have no pity for the rest of our poor souls.”  

Rey turned to Jess. “I mean, if you want a kiss, I'm happy to oblige.”

Finn looked between them for a second, then back at Poe. “Okay, I won't eat while working on a car, but I'm behind. I'm just going to eat quickly, and—"

“Oh, you guys aren't behind anymore,” Rey said nonchalantly.  

“Uh-oh,” Poe said. “Do I need to add you to the payroll?”

“Hey, whoa, what happened to that kiss?” Jess poked Rey’s shoulder. “Stay focused, here. Kiss now, cars later. I need more dating advice, come on, you had some good tips there.”  

Rey flicked her eyes over at Poe and Finn. “I mean in general my advice is 'don't’. But I know we aros are pretty rare so. I'm going to side with Finn. Tell her. Lay it out. If it's just about banging, then oh well, come bang me. You know I'm open. But it seems like maybe it's not. In which case,” she paused, and raised her eyebrows, “I think you know what you need to do.”  

“Fuuuuck,” Jess groaned. “What is it with all of you fucking reasonable people? I see why you two get along so well.” She pointed at Rey and Finn. “Poe will fit right in, mark my words. Snap! Get your ass out here, lunchtime’s over. Come be a fuckup with me so I’m not alone.” She stomped off towards the cars, grumbling to herself. 

Rey pressed her lips together against a smile. “I’m starting to understand your stories about work, peanut. I thought you must have been exaggerating at least a  _ little _ bit. Now I think you’ve been holding out on me.”  

Finn chewed at his sandwich, then looked over at Poe. “She thinks she's being cute when she calls me peanut.”  

Poe shrugged. “I think it’s a cute name. Unless you actually don’t like it.”  

“No,” Finn said with a blush and a glance at Rey. “I like it. Not at much as sweetheart, though.”

Rey wrinkled her nose. “Okay, yeah. Well, I'm not going to call you that, so.”  

“Should I come up with a name, too?” Snap lumbered past them and grinned at Finn on his way out to the garage floor.  

“Well, yeah, I brought that on myself, didn’t I?” Finn groused to Poe. Rey nodded solemnly.  

“Probably. It’s ok, we’ll let you live it down in…oh, maybe fifty years from now.” If Poe stayed here one more minute looking at the faint flush in Finn’s cheeks, he’d blow past every single rule on that sign—whoa, ok, poor choice of words. Time to eject. “Well. I’m going to get back to work. Rey, want to show me which cars you finished?”  

She nodded. “Sure,” she murmured, looking nervous.

“I’ll be right there,” Finn said around ham and cheese.  

“We’ll be fine,” Poe murmured privately to Finn. He waved a hand at Rey and headed towards the line of broken-down cars. “Show me the ropes.”  

“I left the oil changes for Finn and the rest of your peons. But these two are ready for pick up. I mean, you can inspect them, obviously. Probably shouldn’t take my word for it.” Rey looked at the ground, tapping her cane absently. “I'm sorry about…I don't know? Probably the  _ way _ I said what I said earlier? I don't always know I'm fucking up until it's already happened and everyone hates me.”  

Poe couldn’t help but laugh at that, worn and frayed. “Now  _ that’s  _ something I can understand.” He kept his eyes on the engine of the first car Rey had fixed, noting her neat handiwork. “Look,” he said at last. “The way I see it, we’re on the same side. We both want Finn to be happy. Right? And right now, Finn has decided that his relationship with me is very important for his happiness. I made a commitment to him to try, to believe that we can do this, to not give up when shit happens. It would help me to have an ally. We’re just about all the family he’s got. Maybe we can—can try to act like a family. Except without the no-talking-for-years thing, or the cheek-pinching, or whatever. Just—two people who are both trying to support the same person.”    

Rey pursed her lips. “We’re the only family that matters, anyway.” She nodded. “I mean, I get the feeling Finn likes pinching your cheeks just fine. But yeah, I get what you mean. Team Finn. That’s a worthy mission.”  

“Better than Team Cap, even.” Poe finally managed to look up at her for a moment. “Thank you. I’d like to get to know you, for real. Not this shovel shit. Just—as friends. As a family. If you want.”   

“Finn would like that,” Rey said, then looked at her shoes again. “Maybe I would, too.”  

“Not like dating,” Poe said, moving on to the next car. “Just, you know. Hanging out. And all.”  

“No, I get that.” She winced, and sat heavily on a box, massaging her leg. “Maybe I could come by on Tuesdays. We could eat lunch.” She shrugged.  

“That’d be great.” Poe smiled at her. “And hey, if you ever want to work on the cars, be my guest. I can set you up on the payroll if you want to make it official. We’ve been getting enough traffic lately that I could use another hand around here, especially someone as good as you. There a few seat-thingies I can get too, to make it a bit more comfortable to work on the cars.”  

Rey smiled back. “Despite the whole foot-in-mouth episode, today is the most fun I’ve had in awhile. Let me think about it? But I might have to take you up on that.” 

Finn came in, armed with paperwork for the cars for Poe to sign off. “Wait, did you just offer Rey a job?” He handed the paperwork off, and high-fived Rey.  

“I’m thinking about it.” Poe grinned at Rey. “I don’t pay much, gotta tell you. And I’ll work your ass off, Finn, isn’t that right?” He winked.  

“Certainly,” Finn agreed, then pulled up close to Poe’s ear, whispering, “Is that your secret? Because damn.” He ran a hand over Poe’s ass quickly, shielding the move from Rey with his body, then taking the paperwork back. “I’ll go make these calls.”  

“Enjoy.” Poe turned back to Rey. “Any other questions?”  

Rey shook her head. “I should get out of your guys’ hair.” She pulled herself up with her cane. “But, um. Thanks. For the job offer, for…being the better man, I guess. I’m sorry.” She ran her hand over the smooth paint of the car’s hood. “I miss this kind of thing. I don’t know if my leg would last all day, but God, I miss this.”  

“Well. Think about it, if you want. Lot of adjustments we can make. Or you could work on the cars when you can, in the office when you can’t. Everyone here is entitled to flexible hours, no questions asked. And, uh. Finn said you did some mods on your bike? I’d love to see that sometime. Maybe you could set up a bike repair corner of the shop and we could branch out a little.”  

Rey’s eyes widened. “You’d—you’d seriously consider that?”  

Poe shrugged. “Lot of people ride bikes, no? Good business. Look, think about it, take your time. Come back for lunch. Join us some evening for Netflix and whatever Finn concocts for dinner. Start on the cars. We’ll see how it goes, ok?”  

She nodded solemnly, then couldn’t help bursting into a huge smile. “I am beginning to see why Finn fell for you. As if the long rapturous texts from him weren’t enough.” She limped over with her cane, then held out her hand for a shake. “And I do have to say, the side benefit of you guys figuring this out is that I no longer have to hear about the pining. Jesus Christ, the pining. So few people want to listen to my advice of ‘just bang him already,’” she said with a shrug and a smile.  

“Well,” Poe coughed. “That’s not bad advice, per se.”  

“Works for me.” She saluted him and began to limp toward the open garage door. “Later guys. Jess, you know what to do. Snap, I’ll see you at the event Saturday night?” Her words brought grumbled responses from both of them, and she turned again, walking away.  

Poe settled down to work over the next car in line and slowly lost track of time, just like usual. It took him forever to notice that he was smiling to himself, just a little, just enough.  

The afternoon moved quickly for Finn, a cycle of oil changes and tire rotations keeping him busy. If he was honest, he preferred this kind of mindless work to the diagnostics it took to figure out what was wrong with a car. He’d never be as gifted at it as Poe or Rey. But this kind of stuff, he could do. 

He almost missed his therapy appointment because the work was so mindless, until his watch beeped at him. “Shit,” he muttered. “Jess, will you finish this last tire rotation for me? I’ll owe you one.”

She grunted an affirmative, strolling to his car to take over the jack. “Hot date?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Therapy.” He tapped the hood Poe was currently under. “I’m taking off for therapy, but, um. I’m hoping you’re still up for something after?”  

Poe jerked and nearly bashed his head against the hood.  _ “Jesus— _ oh. Hey. Um. Good luck. I’m—I’m hoping too. Text me?”   

“Of course. Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You okay?”  

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Good luck, baby.”  

“I was also, um. Wondering if maybe I could spend the night on Saturday? Or not. You could just pick me up from my house for lunch.” Finn twisted his hands together, nervous all of a sudden.  

Poe studied him for a moment. “I try not to make any advance plans, if I can help it,” he said at last. “Plans have a sneaky way of going to shit the moment you make them. But, uh. I mean. Assuming we’re both ok, and all, I’d love that.” He flipped his pliers over in his hands a few times. “You could maybe stay tonight, too. If you want. Or I could come to your place. Whatever you like.”  

Finn smiled. “My bed’s felt really lonely these last couple of nights.” He leaned over, placing a kiss in Poe's hair. “I'll text you later. Love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe kissed Finn back, then smiled at him. “You got this.”  


	27. Pizza and Orgasms pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe comes over to comfort Finn after his therapy.
> 
> These guys are getting pretty attached, huh? ;)

Finn was still chewing over the words of his therapist when he was walking home. Dr. Ramirez had been helpful and reassuring about Finn's questions regarding BDSM. It was nice to know his therapist was sex positive. 

He pulled out his phone when he was about halfway home. 

**Finn:** Done. I'm drained, but I'd like company. Cuddles. Something soft. If you're willing.  

**Poe:** Oh man, you know the magic words. Do you want to come over, or do you want me to come over to your place?  

Finn paused, contemplating the walk to his house, then to Poe's. 

**Finn:** I feel bad for asking but…My place? I'm shuffling home as it is 

He'd just finished the message when Mrs.— _ shit, what is her name? _ —waved at him, and he waved back. Patterson. Right.  


**Poe:** That’s fine! Hurting?  

**Finn:** Just tired. That bone deep kind that tells you you've done good work, you know?  

**Poe:** Ok. Need a massage? 

**Poe:** I’m on my way, be there in twenty.  

**Finn:** A massage would be amazing.

With a smile on his face, he managed the rest of the walk home.  

Poe threw his pajamas, pills, toothbrush, laptop, and clothes into his backpack, then set off for Finn’s apartment. By the time he arrived, the sun was starting to hover above the trees, casting a golden evening glow over the street. He rang Finn’s doorbell, shifted his backpack on his shoulders, and waited.  

Finn swung the door open, a smile already on his face, then had to lean against the door jamb. Poe looked…radiant. Absolutely radiant, in the golden light of the sun. “Wow,” he breathed, then colored when he realized Poe was waiting for him. “Um, come in. Please.”  

Poe raised a brow, then kissed Finn’s cheek. “Wow? Now  _ there’s  _ a greeting I don’t hear too often.”  

“Mmm, well, I'll have to change that. Your skin in the sunset… Wow.” Finn took Poe's hand and led them out of the entrance.  

“Really?” Poe flushed. “Um. You too, for that matter. Which is why we’re never going on a sunset hike, because I would stop and stare and fall right off the cliff.”  

“Mmm, yes. Does the sunset come into your kitchen? Because I'd never be able to cook dinner.” Finn passed his lips over Poe's. “I, um, cleared a spot for you, too. If you want it. And I added some nightlights, one for the bedroom and one for the hallway in case you need to get up at night.”  

Poe stopped and stared at Finn. “What?” He shook his head, trying to clear it. “Baby.”  

Finn chewed his lip, suddenly unsure. “I just wanted you to be comfortable here. Did I assume too much again?”  

“No, no, baby, that’s—” Poe flung his arms around Finn.  _ Fuck words, this is much better.  _ “Thank you,” he managed at last. “So much. Oh my god.”  

Finn slipped his arms around Poe, breathing in his familiar scent and sighing happily. “I'm glad you like it. If you need me to do anything else, don't hesitate to tell me.”  

“A  _ nightlight,  _ god, you are the sweetest. Thank you, thank you.”  

“You're welcome, honey. I love you.”  

“I love you too.” Poe kissed the crook of Finn’s neck. “Did, um. Did it go ok today?”  

Finn led Poe to the bedroom, pulling out an empty drawer. “Yeah, it was good. I'd like to talk about some stuff. Um, regarding our discussion from Saturday. About what my therapist thought. And some research I did.”  

“Research, huh.” Poe plonked his backpack down in the drawer and grinned at Finn. “Do tell. We’ll have to compare notes.”  

“Yeah? I'm glad you're still interested.” Finn took Poe's hand, kissed it. “Two questions first. One, have you eaten, and two, what do you like on pizza? There's no way I'm coming tonight, my brain is too fuzzy,” he said apologetically.  

“You’re—” Poe coughed. “No, of course we don’t have to have sex tonight, buddy, I get that.”  

“What?” Finn raised his eyebrows. “Wait, what did I say?”  

“You—you said your brain is too fuzzy to come tonight?” Poe’s cheeks were burning.  

“Oh, god, I hope not, I've needed to come all day.”  

“Well.” Poe slipped a hand over Finn’s ass. “That’s good, because I’ve been thinking all day about making you come. Fuzzy brain or not.”  

“Mmmm. Forgive my slip. I meant I'm too fuzzy to  _ cook _ tonight. And I hope you don't mind, because I'm going to order pizza.” Finn word his arms around Poe and leaned in. “Though if I wasn't starving I would totally just want you to keep your hand right there, and keep going.”  

“Pizza sounds good.” Poe kissed Finn’s forehead, then leaned their heads together. “Although I could maybe make something, if you want to teach me how. And then we can resume where we left off with this hand-ass business.”  

“Hell, I'd just take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at this point, but the thought of the kitchen is exhausting.” Finn tipped forward enough to brush their mouths together. “But if you wanted to make me something, I'd be happy to eat it.”  

“Don’t say that before you see the results,” Poe grumbled. “Maybe pizza is a better idea after all.”  

“I honestly have no preference…I'll leave it up to you.” Finn closed his eyes, enjoying the support of Poe's arms.  

“Hmm.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “Well, I’m a fan of pizza. I’m also a fan of preserving my ego for another day. It’s one thing for you to  _ think  _ I’m an awful cook, and another entirely to send your kitchen up in smoke.”  

Finn smiled, stepping back reluctantly. “Thanks for making the decision. It was just one of those things my brain didn't want to think about, you know?” He pulled out his phone. “You like Salvati’s place? Any no-gos for pizza?”  

Poe shrugged. “I usually pick a bunch of random toppings that don’t necessarily go together, at least according to Jess whenever I bring leftovers in for lunch. So, uh. Have fun.”  

Finn took Poe's hand and led them out to his couch while he placed the order for a large white pizza. When he was done, he settled comfortably into Poe's side. “So my therapist was really encouraging.” He laid his head down on Poe's shoulder and threaded their fingers together. “Allayed a lot of my fears about this stemming from my past, from my  _ daddy _ issues.”  

“That’s great! I’m glad.” Poe snuggled in closer. “I, uh. I hope that’s not a lead-in to asking about daddy kink, or whatever the hell it’s called, because I saw that in my research, among fifty thousand other things people find kinky, but I gotta say, I don’t really share that one.”  

Finn shook his head against Poe's shoulder. “No, it's not. Not knocking it, but. The idea of that makes me queasy so…no.”  

“Ok, good.” Poe ran a hand along Finn’s thigh. “Glad we’re on the same page there. What else did you guys talk about? If you want to say, I mean.”  

“He was proud of us for setting up the boundaries that we have. He stressed how important communication was, considering our triggers. That we needed to make sure we were listening to each other and absolutely obeying our color checks and our rules. I hope you don't mind that I talked to him about you.”  

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine.”  

“He just urged caution. In the end, not much different than what Snap has to say. But it made me feel better about...wanting what I want. That I'm not fucked up somehow.” Finn played with Poe's hand, squeezing his fingers and tracing the veins.  

“Should always be ok to want what you want.” Poe watched Finn’s fingers slide over his calluses, the little scars he’d acquired over the years, the mangled fingernails that had never grown back properly.  

“Yeah, he said that, too.” Finn let the silence extend for a little bit. He could picture this, unwinding after a long day, easily, for years to come. “Did you learn anything interesting in your research?”   

“Um,” Poe coughed. “I didn’t really find anything new in my research, but uh. Um. I kinda—this afternoon, I, um—I went looking for some, uh, toys? I found a few I think you might like.”    

“Yeah?” Finn couldn’t help the excitement that crept into his voice. “Like what?”  

Poe grinned at the anticipation on Finn’s face. “I, uh, I brought my laptop? If you want to look at the site. Pick out the ones you want.”  

“Can we do it now?” Finn asked eagerly, sitting up a little. “I can go get your laptop.”  

“I got it, I got it. Rest. Still up for that massage later if you want.” Poe headed back into Finn’s room, then returned with the laptop and set it up on their laps. “Here, this is the site I found—it looks nice? Plenty of reviews, and all. I found, uh, a few cock rings? And a couple of butt plugs, and, uh. A couple that vibrate, too? That looks like fun.”  

Finn’s work pants were growing tight — _ why didn’t I change before Poe came over? — _ just at the thought. “Show me,” he said breathlessly.  

“Here.” Poe pulled up the cart he’d made on the site, then clicked a few of them open. “Tell me what you think. We can also go through the site again if you don’t like any of these. Just a place to start.”  

Finn took control of the laptop and clicked through Poe’s choices, then paused, blushing. “I have to admit, I don’t know anything about this. It’s kind of overwhelming, huh? But also I’m about to burst at the thought of you slipping this into me,” he said when he’d landed on a not-so-scary looking butt plug.  

“We definitely don’t have to get anything. I mean, it’s not like either of us need any help. But I’m happy to get any of it, if you want. Whatever looks good to you. I mean, we can always try one thing and see how it goes.”  

“I was thinking of one cock ring and one butt plug, keep it basic. But they’re still kind of expensive.” Finn chewed his lip.  

“Don’t worry about, love. It’s on me.”  

Finn kissed Poe’s cheek. “You’re so good to me. Do you have a color preference, here?” He flipped between choices on a silicone plug. “I mean, you’re the one that’s going to see it. I just care what it  _ feels _ like,” he said with a grin.  

Poe grinned back at Finn, bubbling over with glee. “Whatever you like, babe. If you think I can pay attention to color when there’s more blood in my dick than my brain…”  

“In that case, I like this one,” Finn murmured, selecting a bright orange. “Oh, and they recommend this lube for it, should we get some of that?”  

“Sure, sounds good.” Poe’s brain went offline for a moment at the thought of the bright orange toy slipping inside Finn—  _ “Jesus.  _ Um. Ok. What? Oh, right. Did you want a cock ring, too? Or not?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea of a snapping one? Otherwise I worry it would get stuck, and we’d be heading to the emergency room again, and my dick would fall off, and—" Finn giggled. “And we don’t want that.”  

“They usually come in sizes, and they sound super stretchy, so I don’t think that would be too much of a problem. But yeah, they had some with snaps. Hmm...here! What do you think of this one?”  

“Mmmm. And this color leather would look good against my skin. But —oh, I’ve only been thinking of myself. Did you want anything?”   

“I—” Poe blinked. “I don’t know? I didn’t really think about it for myself, to be honest. Um. I don’t know.”  

Finn cupped Poe’s cheek. “You don’t have to. You never have to. I just wanted to be sure. I was feeling...well, a little selfish, and  a little like a kid in a candy store.”  

“I’ll think about it.” Poe smiled at Finn. “I mean, I spent the afternoon thinking about toys I would enjoy using on you, and there are a lot of them. It didn’t occur to me to get something for myself. I’m not really sure what I’d like.”  

“Maybe you’ll see something you’d like when you use it on me.” Finn set the laptop aside, and draped one leg over Poe’s, massaging over his chest. “Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to come tonight. As it is, I’m going to be scaring the delivery guy.” He kissed Poe, pouring out his sexual frustration, giving it an outlet finally.  

Poe fell back against the couch pillows, overwhelmed by the intensity of Finn’s kisses. He clung to Finn’s arms, cock straining against his fly.  

Finn broke off, chest heaving, setting his sweaty forehead against Poe’s. “Fuck. You feel, you taste —God, you’re so fucking good, baby. Just the  _ idea _ of all of this— _ fuck. _ ”  

“Mmmph,” Poe said, because that’s all the words he had left. Finn’s weight was suddenly too much over him—he pressed Finn back against the couch and settled onto his lap instead. “If they ever find a way to bottle your—you-ness—into a toy, I will be the first one in line. No, wait, I think I’d actually be the last, because I’d have the real version right here.”  

“You charmer,” Finn replied with a smile, and settled Poe in his arms for some more kisses.  

“No, man, you know how good I am at lying. That’s the goddamn truth, right there.”  

“Honesty  _ is _ charming,” Finn murmured, then jumped when his doorbell went off. “Oh.”   

“I got it.” Poe patted Finn’s shoulder, then stretched to his feet and went to greet the delivery man.   

Finn grinned, watching him go, watching that ass move, then got up himself, heading to the kitchen to get plates and napkins out.  

Poe laid the pizza on the table just as Finn finished setting it. “Well, doesn’t this look nice.” He cracked the box open, pulled out a slice for each of them, and sat down. “You know, when you actually eat pizza on a plate at the table, it feels almost civilized.”  

Finn laughed. “I had a feeling that if I didn’t get up off that couch, I wasn’t actually going to care about pizza, but oh man.” He took a huge sniff, savoring the smell of garlic and cheese. “I would have hated myself for missing out on this.” He took a huge bite and practically moaned, then held his hand over his mouth, embarrassed about the sound he’d made.  

Poe shook his head in dismay. “This is going to be a thing, huh? You can’t just eat your pizza like a normal person? You have to make pornographic noises every single bite.”  

“Sorry. Doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure I’m leaking in my boxers.” Finn took another bite, and moaned intentionally this time, winking at Poe in the process.  

“Jesus,” Poe muttered. “Am I going to need headphones? Or—” He hesitated, then looked up at Finn and held his eyes. “You’re going to save those noises for bed,” he said, quiet and sure.  

Finn swallowed his pizza, and nodded quickly. “Okay. I can try. Just don’t pull that command out when chocolate is involved.”   

“That’s fair,” Poe cackled. “I’ll have to remember not to eat chocolate with you in public, then. So we don’t get arrested for public indecency.”  

Finn smiled. “God. This poor little town thinks we're respectable gays. We can't do that to them.” He grabbed another slice.  

“What the hell does that even mean, ‘respectable gays’?” Poe shook his head. “We’re people. We’re going to do what we like.”  

“You got me. I am a full proponent of the ‘do what we like’ plan.”  

“Damn right.” Poe grinned at Finn.  

Finn blew Poe a kiss, then moved to get up. Before he could, he eyed Poe. “Do you—would you—" he paused. “If you wouldn't mind, I'd love a glass of water. But don't feel obligated.”  

Poe cocked his head. “Sure? Of course, buddy.” He brought Finn a glass, then got another for himself.  

“Thanks,” Finn murmured. “What do you think of the pizza? Up to the random Dameron standards?”  

“I’m not sure I understand this no-tomato-sauce thing, to be honest. But it’s damn good, as always. I’m not sure I ever met a pizza topping combination I didn’t like.”  

“Mmm, well, I’ll have to enlighten you further. I make a pretty good pizza dough, actually, and it’s super easy. I could totally teach you. We could have a calzone night, maybe, with Rey and Jess and Snap or something.” Finn took a drink of water.  

“That sounds—” Poe could see it so clearly, his feet tangled with Finn’s on the couch, Rey and Jess fighting over the armchair, Snap comfortably ensconced on the floor. Laughing at each other, telling stories, backtalking the stupid antics of the characters in whatever silly movie they decided to watch. “That sounds  _ lovely,”  _ Poe sighed.  

Finn tangled his fingers with Poe’s. “We’ll make it happen, then.”  

“Good.” Poe nodded. “And then one of these days I can make you pizza when you’re too tired to cook.”  

“I love that idea.” Finn rubbed over Poe’s knuckles, then pulled his hand back to raise his glass. “To future pizza, then.”  

“Amen.” Poe clinked his glass with Finn’s, then drank.  

When he’d finished the second slice, Finn evaluated his stomach and eyed the box, but decided against a third. Settling back in the kitchen chair, he smiled at Poe. “I’m really glad you came over, man.”  

“Me too.” Poe grinned at Finn. “I could get used to this.”  

“Me too,” Finn echoed softly.  

“Well, good.” Poe tipped back in his chair. “That way I never have to cook for myself again.” His grin grew wider. “How’s college going?”  

“I got some good feedback from my professor earlier today. And I register for summer classes in two weeks. Like, actual culinary classes. It’s really happening, Poe.” Finn wasn’t sure his face could contain his happiness.  

“That’s awesome, buddy! I’m so proud of you. What are you going to sign up for?” Poe raised his glass again. “Here’s to Chef Finn.”  

“Something called ‘Fundamentals of Cookery,’ and a Safety and Sanitation class.  Just getting my feet wet. I could take more, but.” Finn glanced at the note on his fridge. “But I’m worried about putting too much pressure on myself right off the bat, to be honest. Which my therapist says is okay, to a point. That I need to make sure I recognize when I’m shying away from challenge because I’m scared, rather than when I’m just being logical.”  

“Hmm. That makes sense. You have a very sensible therapist. I approve. And everyone starts with basic training, anyway.”  

“Yeah, I like him. Thanks for providing me with the recommendation. And for being there for me when I made the call.” Finn thought back to the moment behind the garage, when he’d held Poe’s hand and made his first appointment. “Can’t believe that was only a month ago. Seems like it’s been longer. In a good way.”  

“It’s been a whole  _ month?”  _ Poe laughed. “God. Feels more like a week to me. I mean, if our first date was our thirty-eleventh, can this be our thirty-eleventh second date?” He frowned. “Forget the math, whatever. Still feels like a gift.” He ran a toe up Finn’s calf.  

“I mean, for me, our relationship didn’t really start when I kissed you, it started a lot earlier. But yeah, let’s forget the math.” Finn reached for Poe’s hands again. “I could go for a massage.”  

“Could you, now. Interesting.”  

“Gonna hold out on me now? I feel like I’ve been horny for  _ hours. _ ”  

“Oh, buddy.” Poe beamed at him. “We’re just getting  _ started.”  _ He collected their plates and rose to wash them. “I need to get you some massage oil or something one of these days. Be a properly classy boyfriend.”  

Finn grinned and downed the rest of his water. “That would be nice. One of the things I miss about physical therapy, you know. Regular massages. But then again, none of the PTs were ever as handsome as you are.”  

“Damn right.” Poe finished the last dish and smirked at Finn.  

Finn stood, handing his water glass over, putting the pizza box in the fridge, and leaning against the counter to watch Poe finish up. “I’m a little sad we don’t have any of those toys to try out tonight, but only a little. Like you said, it’s not really like we need help.”  

“Very true.” Poe’s eyes lingered on Finn’s lips. “Can’t imagine ever needing help with you.”  

“Believe me, you really don’t. I think you could probably just talk to me and I could come. Took everything I had in me this morning not to call after you texted and ask you to send me over the edge.”  

“Mmmph.” Poe blinked at him, towel half-mangled between his hands. “Well.” He finished drying his hands and tossed the towel back onto its hook. “You did enjoy that compost lecture. Should I keep going? There was a  _ lot  _ more where that, uh. Came from.”  

“I know you’re joking, but I’m not. I love hearing you —hell,  _ seeing  _ you —be competent. Know your stuff. You get all confident, and it’s so fucking sexy, and honestly, I’m really not sure how I survived all those lessons on car stuff. Rest in pieces, Finn.”  

“Oh, no. You are definitely in one piece.” Poe looked Finn up and down. “One  _ niiiiiice  _ piece. But, uh. I’m not sure I’m really joking. Compost. One of these days. Just set you in place on the bed, no touching, no nothing. Just the sweet sweet sound of my voice.”  

Finn caught himself halfway through a moan. “Sorry,” he said first, then shaking his head, “Bedroom? Please?”  

Poe took Finn’s hand and kissed it. “About time,” he said, and led them down the hallway towards the bedroom.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta leave you something to look forward to, right? ;)


	28. Pizza and Orgasms pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pizza and Orgasms continues - now with Orgasms! ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lights and I like to call Poe a "baby Dom" in this section. Finn's a baby sub, too. They're experimenting and figuring stuff out and seeing what works and what doesn't. :)

Finn’s heart felt like it was trying to beat out of his chest. “How do you want me?” he asked as they stood by the bed.  

“Every way.”  

Finn’s lips tipped up, and he circled his arms around Poe’s waist. “Greedy.” He leaned in to kiss at Poe’s throat. “Not that I blame you. The feeling’s mutual.”  

“Mmm?” Poe tipped his head back.  

“Nothing,” Finn murmured, working his lips over Poe’s neck, up his throat, down his jaw.  

“Massage,” Poe managed. “You wanted a massage. Do you still? Now? Later?”  

“I'd love one. I'd love to just—just not think, for a bit, if that makes sense.” Finn rested his head on Poe's shoulder.  

Poe stroked the back of Finn’s neck, thinking. “I can try to do that,” he said softly. “You’ll tell me if I’m not doing it right?”  

“Of course.” Finn fingered the hem of his work tee, then hesitated. “How do you want me?” he asked again.  

Poe stepped back, looked Finn up and down, and took a deep breath.  _ We’re gonna do this.  _ “Naked and on the bed,” he said, mouth dry. “And I want you to undress me, too.”  

Finn nodded, pulling his tee off and throwing it at the hamper. Poe's tee went next, and he draped it over the chair. He took a second to place his warm hands on Poe's exposed skin before moving lower. “Can you slide out of your shoes for me?”  

“Yeah.” Poe slipped his shoes off and kicked them into the corner of the room.  

Finn knelt, looking up at Poe before taking a deep breath and unhooking his button. He wanted to linger over the little V of hair leading down below Poe's waist, but Poe had told him to undress him, nothing more. Still, he couldn't resist pressing a soft kiss there as he lowered the fly. His hand shook a little as he pushed everything over Poe's hips, and Poe’s cock sprang free, bobbing by Finn's lips. “Mmmmph,” he allowed himself, before standing to do his own.  

Poe stepped out of his pants, then just watched Finn move, entranced by the way the slanting light through the windows played across Finn’s skin.  

Finn kicked his pants off, near enough to the hamper to work for now. When he was done, he let his hands fall to his sides, feeling more exposed to Poe than he ever had before.  He wasn't sure if it was the lightness of the room or the new dynamic of their sex.   

Finn was one long, glorious line of muscles and curves—shoulders square, cock hard, bright eyes intent on Poe’s. For a moment, Poe just stared at him, dazed. “Think I told you to get on the bed,” he murmured at last.  

Finn nodded again. He turned and sat in the edge of the bed, spine straight.  

Poe studied Finn’s face. “Color,” he said, brow furrowed.   

“Greenish yellow?” Finn answered honestly. “I'm. I'm a little nervous.”  

Poe stepped back hastily and held up his hands. “We can stop, we can stop, we don’t have to do anything, I didn’t mean—”  

“I'm just—am I doing okay? It would be nice to have some feedback.” Finn chewed his lip. “Just not mean.”  

“Of  _ course,  _ baby. You’re—you’re good, you’re good, you’re always good.” Poe hesitated. “You—you’re sure you want this? We don’t have to. We never have to.”    

“I want it. I just, I think I'm going to need feedback. I'm sorry.  I'm probably not making sense.”  

Poe stepped closer and ran a tentative hand down Finn’s arm. “That’s _ ok,  _ baby. You’re ok. The only thing that doesn’t make sense to me is that—I mean—of  _ course _ you’re good, you’re always good. You’re never anything other than good. You’re saying you just want me to keep saying that?”  

Finn looked up at him. “It makes me feel good.”  

“Ok.” Poe brushed his lips over Finn’s forehead. “Then I’ll do that.” He bit his lip. “Do—you want to keep going now, or try again another time?”  

“I want to keep going. Green.”  

“You're sure?”  

Finn smiled up at him. “Yeah.”  

“Ok,” Poe said, only halfway relieved. “But you’ll tell me if anything’s wrong, ok? Or even if it’s just not completely right.”  

“Yeah.” Finn took Poe's hands in his. “Communication. We got this.”  

“Yeah,” Poe echoed. He cupped Finn’s cheek in his hand. “Ok. What do you want to do?”  

Finn leaned into Poe's hand, then tipped his head to place a kiss there, in the center of Poe's palm. “I'd still love a massage, if you're still willing.”  

“Always.” Poe finally managed a small smile. He nodded to the bed. “You want to lie on your stomach?”  

Finn nodded, then complied, wiggling until he was away from the edge. He looked expectantly over his shoulder at Poe.  

Poe stepped closer and ran a hand up Finn's back beside his scar. He grabbed the lotion on Finn’s nightstand, squeezed some into his hands, and started warming it up. “Look,” he said at last, spreading the lotion over Finn’s back. “I know your therapist thinks it’s fine. And everything I read said it’s fine. But I—I just—” 

Poe focused on kneading the lotion into the tight muscle of Finn’s shoulders, avoiding Finn’s eyes. “There are a lot of people who have hurt you,” he said at last, nearly inaudible. “Lot of people who’ve ordered you around. I just—I don’t want to be the next one on that list. I want to—to be right for you. I want to be what you deserve, all of the good things you deserve.”  

Finn smiled at him. “You are, baby. Really. Just, um. I don't know, is there some middle ground in between drill sergeant and ‘would you like?’ Maybe it's couching your commands with compliments. I don't know.”  

Poe carefully framed Finn’s scar in his hands, massaging hard enough to work out the knots along Finn’s spine. “I can do that,” he said. “Um. You want that? You think that will work?”  

“I'd like to keep trying. But—maybe it's too big of an ask. I'm asking you to walk a fine line between avoiding my abuse trigger and turning me on. I didn't think about how hard that would be for you. We don't have to do it.” Finn wiggled again, moaning a little at the pressure. “Christ, you're good at this.”  

Poe smiled a little and moved further down Finn’s back. “You liked it before. Right? When I ordered you in the car, and ordered you not to come. What—what was different about those? I don’t think I complimented you then. Aloud, at least.” His smile broadened. “I’m always complimenting you in my head, buddy, you have no idea.”  

“I guess I don't know. We could keep trying, though? If you want. I want.” Finn's hips ground his cock against the bed slightly.  

Poe paused to work out one particularly stubborn knot. “If you’re sure you want to,” he said, “then I’m game to keep trying. Just—keep telling me if I’m not doing it right, ok? I don’t want to hurt you.”   

“Of course. I love you.” Finn arched into Poe's fingers. “But fuck, I think I love your hands more.”  

“I’d be offended,” Poe laughed, “but sometimes I think I feel the same about yours, so we’re even.” He smoothed a hand down the curve of Finn’s spine, then up the rise of Finn’s ass. “God. You think you can come from listening to me talk? I think I could come just from watching you move.”  

Finn arched his back again, throwing a wink over his shoulder.  

“Mmmph.” Poe blinked the sunspots out of his eyes, then focused again on his mission. He kneaded his way down to the small of Finn’s back, working out every kink—ok, every  _ knot,  _ maybe not the  _ kinks.  _ “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “So fucking beautiful. You have no idea.”  

“Mmmyeah?”  

Poe grinned down at Finn. “Am I putting you to sleep, buddy?” It was a little difficult to reach Finn’s other side from his perch on the side of the bed, so he clambered on top of Finn, straddled his ass, and resumed his massage.  

Finn gasped at the weight of Poe on his ass. “No,” he moaned. “Not sleepy. A-okay. Pooooeeee.” The last word was perilously close to a whine.  

“Yep.” Poe finished the last knot, then kneaded his way up Finn’s back again, enjoying the warmth of Finn’s skin beneath his hands. “That is my name. Glad you remember it, buddy.”  

The pressure on Finn's cock beneath his body was a blessing and a curse. Poe's weight was pressing him into the bed, and it was delicious, but it provided just enough pressure to keep him from coming. Instead, he made another indecent sound and shifted restlessly.  

Poe stroked Finn’s arm, a little concerned that he wasn’t talking. “What do you want, sweetheart?” he asked softly.  

“To kiss you. To come. Please, Poe.” Finn's voice sounded strange in his own ears. Breathless and deep and just a little slurred.  

The power of this position was starting to go to Poe’s head. He could stay here forever, feeling Finn shift beneath him, begging to come— _holy_ _fuck why do I like this so much?_ He took a deep breath, trying to clear his head. “Of course, baby.” He toppled down onto the bed beside Finn and tugged him in close, aligning the heat of their bodies. “You’re so good,” he said, just in case. “So good for me. Being patient. Telling me what you need. Letting me— _god._ Oh, god. You’re so good, baby.” The words felt weird in his mouth, but not nearly as weird as they had earlier. Finn _was_ good, always good, so good. He always deserved to know just how good he was.  

Finn looked at Poe, could tell his own eyes had gone hazy under the praise. “Love you,” he mumbled. “So much. That was perfect, thank you.”  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed at him, then kissed his nose. “Well. Good. So are you.” He snuggled in against Finn’s side. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened to Finn, but he didn’t really want to move forward until Finn seemed a little less out of it. “I love you too, baby,” he murmured, rubbing small circles into Finn’s back.  

Finn shifted in pleasure at the steady hand on his back.  _ Christ _ it felt so good. Poe was here and loved him and had told he was  _ good, _ so  _ good. _ He felt like he was glowing from the inside out.  

Poe traced the crinkles around Finn’s eyes.  “I take it back. Your smile. That’s all I need. Just your smile, and your eyes, and—oh god. So fucking gorgeous.”  

Finn reached out, trying to find Poe's hand in the sheets, desperate for contact, for something to ground him.  

Poe hissed as Finn’s hand brushed past his cock. He tangled their fingers together, kissed Finn’s knuckles, and rested his forehead against Finn’s, happy to stay right here, like this, forever.  

Finn slid his lips over Poe's, needing— _ needing. _ “Poe,” he whispered, “Please.”  

Poe kissed Finn back, slow and sweet. “Tell me what you want, baby.”  

“Will you make me come? Please?”  

_ There’s no way he’s going to be able to hold out while I finger him…  _ Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm and held his eyes. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” he murmured. “I’m going to blow you. And you’re going to blow me. And it’s your choice which happens first.”  

Finn had heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but what about wearing your heart in your eyes? “I'd—I'd like to blow you, first, please. Please?”  

Poe kissed him again. “Of course, baby.” He shifted upright and leaned back against the headboard. “You’re good, you’re so good.”  

Finn turned back to his stomach, kissing the closest thing of Poe's within reach, his ankle. He crawled slowly up, kissing along Poe's leg, pressing a slow kiss to the inside of Poe's thigh.  _ I love you. Can you see it?   _

Poe fell back against the pillows. “Sweetheart,” he said, dizzy with arousal. “Oh, sweetheart.”  

Finn’s lips crept over Poe's skin, into the bushy curls at the base of his cock, and then up one side. He savored the feel of Poe's silk-soft skin against his lips, and closed his eyes as he slowly engulfed the head of Poe's cock in his mouth.  

Poe groaned as Finn’s mouth closed around his cock, hot and wet and  _ wonderful, oh god.  _ He ran his hands over the soft arc of Finn’s hair, then down to Finn’s shoulders.   

Finn made a sound of appreciation, deep in his throat, at the feel of Poe's hands on his skin. He rolled his tongue around the head, tasting the salty bitterness of Poe's precum, finding the slit and working it slowly.  

Poe's world narrowed down to the tight suction of Finn's mouth on his cock, the desperate grip of his hands on Finn's skin, and the quiet vibrations of Finn's humming against his cock. He tipped his head back against the wall with a wordless groan.  

Finn flicked his eyes up, groaning at the sight of Poe, lost to pleasure, because of  _ him. _ He lowered further into Poe's cock, letting the head rest against the back of his mouth for a beat, before swallowing around it.  

Poe’s hands tightened on Finn’s shoulders. His hips jerked up towards Finn, instinctively chasing the sweet clench of Finn’s throat around his cock.  

Finn took a deep breath through his nose and worked his throat around Poe's cock, humming lightly, eyes locked in Poe's face.  

Poe’s back arched in pleasure as he slipped closer to the edge, seeking that last sharp push to send him over. When his eyes cracked open, all he could see was Finn—lips stretched around his cock, body cradled between Poe’s legs, looking right up at— Poe frantically patted Finn’s shoulder, lost for words.  

Finn eased off, gulping air as Poe's cock slid out of his throat. “You can come in me,” Finn rasped. “Or on me.”  

“In?” Poe whispered. “Please.”

Finn nodded, humming again as he took Poe in his mouth once more. He brought up a hand, rubbing over the base of Poe's cock, sliding easily from his earlier work in time with his mouth.  

Poe cupped Finn’s cheek and closed his eyes again. “Love,” he managed. “Love— _ oh god.”  _

Finn's eyes tipped closed again, and he had to force himself not to rut against the bed, Poe had said he was going to blow him, so he had to wait, he had to wait and let Poe come now, he wanted Poe to come first, he did, so much, oh god.  

Poe slipped over the edge with no warning—toes curling, hands shaking, breathless, overwhelmed. He clung to Finn’s shoulders again as the world tipped and spun around him.  

Finn swallowed everything down, then let Poe's soft cock slip out of his mouth, clean from cum. A little slipped the side of his mouth, and he pillowed his head against Poe's thigh and swept his thumb through, then sucked the cum off his thumb. He felt like he was vibrating with energy, 

Poe slid slowly down to the bed, completely dazed. He snuggled into Finn’s side and kissed the crook of Finn’s neck. “You,” he croaked. “That was.  _ Jesus.”  _

Finn nodded, wasn't sure he could talk from the need pounding through his body.  

_ Brain,  _ Poe thought desperately.  _ Where is my brain.  _ He could feel Finn’s hard cock against his thigh, rutting against him so faintly he wasn’t even sure if Finn was aware of what he was doing. “Baby,” he murmured, kissing Finn’s neck again. “Oh, sweetheart. So good to me.”  

Finn moaned, pressing his cheek to Poe's. “Can I come, please? Baby, please?” It was quieter than he meant, and he moaned again, sure Poe wouldn't have understood him.  

“Of course, sweetheart.” Poe struggled up over Finn, clumsy and uncoordinated. He kissed Finn—slow and sweet, tasting his own cum on Finn’s lips—then crawled down and settled between Finn’s legs. He looked up at Finn, caught by a sudden wave of anxiety. “Don’t choke me,” he whispered.  

Finn shook his head slowly, the alarm in Poe's eyes reaching deep within him, “No, baby, s’okay, you don't have to—s’okay.” Finn tried to shift away, though his coordination seemed to have left him, since all the blood was currently pounding in his cock.  

Poe stroked Finn’s thigh. “You’re ok, sweetheart. You’re going to hold still for me.”  

Finn stopped shifting immediately. He was safe here, and he'd keep Poe safe too. “Keep you safe,” he mumbled. “Promise.”  

“I know you will, sweetheart,” Poe smiled and kissed Finn’s hip, settling back into his body. “You always do.” He mouthed over the head of Finn’s cock, tonguing at the slit, and gently started to suck.  

“Poe, ah god,” Finn managed, before words began to fail him. He was so good, Poe had told him so, so it must be true. God, it felt like he was digging deep, going under, low, but so good.  

Poe wrapped his hand around the base of Finn’s cock and jacked him in time with his mouth, fingers slick with spit. He took Finn’s cock as deep into his mouth as he could and ran his tongue up beneath the ridge, tracing each vein.  

“Bay—" Finn gasped, and moaned, remembering to hold himself still, and, oh god, concentrating on Poe's command made everything that much sweeter. He was so deep, so high, so good.  

Poe hummed a little, remembering how good it had felt on his own cock, and sucked just a little harder, wanting to hear Finn’s glorious moan again.  

Finn gasped, hips stuttering. “Poe, Poe, Poe. Can I come, please?”

Poe slipped off Finn’s cock and kissed the head. “Of course, sweetheart.” His hand slid easily up and down Finn’s cock, jacking as fast as he could. “Come for me, love. I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”  

Finn shook, and he curled in on himself, in around Poe's body, as he practically howled with release. He saw his cum spatter over Poe's fingers before he closed his eyes and completely zoned out on the high.  

“There, sweetheart. There you go.” Poe stroked Finn’s thigh, feeling Finn’s shudders echo up into his fingers. He wiped off his hand, clambered up the bed, curled around Finn’s back, and gathered Finn into his arms. “So good for me, love. Look how well you did. You’re safe, ok? I’ve got you. You're ok.”  

Finn floated, drifted, happy. It was going to be totally fine if he just stayed here in this happy place forever, right?  

_ Fucking hell,  _ Poe thought frantically, smoothing his fingers down Finn’s arm.  _ I didn’t break him, did I?  _ “You’re ok, love,” he murmured, trying to stay calm. “I’m here. Everything’s all right. You’re safe.”  

Finn's brow furrowed as he responded to the worry in Poe's voice. “Mmmmmsafemmmm?”  

“Yeah, baby.” Poe tried to keep the tension out of his voice. “Yeah. We’re completely safe here. Everything’s ok. You’re all right.”  

“Goodmmmm.”  

“Mmm, very good. Everything is good.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple and rocked them in place. Finn’s utter bonelessness was reassuring—surely he would be more tense if he weren’t ok? Poe closed his eyes and let himself believe his own words for a moment. Finn was safe in his arms, the room was quiet and still, they were ok, everything was ok.  

Finn could feel the steady beat of Poe's heart behind him. “Love you so much. You're so good to me.”  

“Yeah?” Poe couldn’t quite see Finn’s face, but the words were clear enough. “You ok, buddy? You, uh. You kinda disappeared on me there for a moment. I got a little nervous.”  

“Yeah?” Finn rubbed Poe's arm. “I was—it's hard to explain. Floaty and deep at the same time. It was nice.” He sighed. “Really nice.”  

“Oh,” Poe sighed. “Ok. Thank goodness. Um. It’s just that—I mean—I did a little research on Saturday, and it said to be careful because being triggered can look like sub—subspot? subspace? whatever the hell it’s called, fuck it, anyway, and so when you weren’t talking I thought maybe I’d fucked up again, and I didn’t know how to fix it.”  

“Oh, honey,” Finn said softly, turning in Poe's arms so he could reassure Poe face to face. “It was perfect, really. I'm sorry I worried you. Did they suggest anything about…how to help tell the difference?”  

Poe shook his head. “Just, you know. Talk, and shit. I mean—” He ducked his head. “Right now, it’s obvious you're ok. I feel kind of dumb. I mean, I guess I—I guess I know the difference. I think. When you’ve gotten triggered before, your eyes have gone kinda blank, it’s—it’s kinda scary, um—but that didn’t happen here, I guess. I mean, your eyes were closed, but still. Um. Your body felt different, just—loose, and—and I probably should have known you were ok, fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—to harsh your buzz, here.” He tried to smile.  

Overwhelmed, Finn kissed Poe, first his lips, then his cheek and forehead. “You are the sweetest man. Don't feel dumb. We're learning together.” He linked their hands and brought Poe's knuckles up for a kiss. “I'm sorry that was going through your head. But—but if anything, the fact that you were thinking about it makes me feel so safe. So loved. Thank you.”  

“Ok, phew.” Poe’s breath huffed out in an unsteady laugh. “I’m glad you’re ok. So glad.” He rested his forehead against Finn’s. “I would hate to have broken you with my expert cocksucking skills, after all.” 

Finn snorted. “Not broken. Don't think you can break when your bones have melted inside your body. If that's—that's subspot, or whatever, then oh my word. It's  _ delicious.”  _ He kissed Poe's nose. “You may have created a monster.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned and kissed Finn back, finally starting to relax.  

“Yeah.” Finn tucked his head on Poe's shoulder, safe and protected and happy. “You did such a good job, baby. The compliments, that was probably weird, I know. But jeez. It really—really got me.” He squeezed Poe's hand. “I've never felt more loved.”  

Poe stared at Finn for a moment. “Oh,” he said at last, dazed. “Oh.” He wrapped his arms around Finn and hugged him fiercely. “I’m so glad, sweetheart. So fucking glad. You  _ are  _ loved. Always. So much.”  

A tear trickled out of Finn’s eye, running across his nose and dropping on Poe's shoulder before he could hold it in. “Don't mind that,” he whispered. “Just being silly and emotional.”  

“Mind what?” Poe kissed the tear away.  

Finn huffed out a wet little laugh. “God, I love you so much. If I could write it on your heart, I would.”  

“Maybe I’ll get you a sharpie sometime.” Poe nuzzled into Finn’s neck. His worry slowly melted away, leaving only the quiet buzz of satisfaction in its wake. “You know. Years from now, when I can move again.”  

“I feel the exact same way, hun. Like. I know I need to get up and clean off, but that was the best fucking sex I've ever had and I don't want that feeling to go away.” Finn kissed the warm skin of Poe's neck. “Oh man, I just had a thought.”  

“Uh-oh.”  

“You didn't—I didn't—that didn't even involve anything  _ in _ me. What's it going to be like when you fuck me? Jesus. I'm going to need a weekend just to recover.”  

“Well, then we’re just going to have to plan ahead a little, I guess.” Poe grinned at him. With truly incredible willpower that he deserved a medal for, he extricated himself from Finn’s warm embrace and stumbled to the bathroom to get a cloth to clean them off.  

Finn rolled to his back, relishing the boneless feeling the massage and the truly fucking amazing sex had brought him.  

Poe stopped short at the entrance to Finn’s bedroom and just leaned on the doorjamb, admiring the graceful lines of Finn’s body. Finn’s sweet, smug, satisfied smile was just about enough to make Poe come all over again. He took a mental picture instead, hoping he could save it away somewhere safe, forever. Whatever happened between them, they’d had some incredible moments. That had to count for something, right? Of course it did.

He shook the thoughts from his head, stepped into the room, and cleaned the stray drops of cum off Finn’s stomach. “When I told you that you were beautiful, I meant it. You know that, right?”  

“You are so good to me. I love you so much.” Finn reached up to brush some hair away from Poe's face. “I’m probably repeating myself.”  

“You are.” Poe beamed. “But you know, I really don’t mind.” He tossed the cloth towards the hamper—there, on the edge, close enough—and crawled back into bed with Finn.  

“S’your fault anyway. You sucked my brain right out through my cock.”  

“Sorry.” Poe kissed his neck in apology, trying to keep a straight face. “I’ll try not to do it again.”  

“Don't you dare promise that. Unless you're promising to replace it with something even better.” Finn smirked, leaning his forehead into Poe's chest. He snorted at himself. “Yeah, um, I'm relenting. Your ‘no boning in the garage’ rule is a good call. If I'm this punch drunk, there's no way I should be messing with heavy machinery.”  

“Of course it’s a good call. No good places to cuddle in the office.”  

“Too many pointy edges. And not all of them are strapped to Jess’ body.”  

_ But if I installed a couch and a better set of locks for the office—NO, Dameron. Get your head out of your dick.  _ “This is much better,” Poe said instead, cuddling into Finn’s chest. “Mmm-hmm. I could stay here forever.”  

“You should tell me a story. Not a sad one, like I did. Something about the farm.”  

“You expect my brain to function properly, after all that?” Poe yawned. “Oh, man. Ok. Happy farm story? Huh. Um… Yeah, ok, I got one. So, I told you about our dog, right? We got him when I was like…three? Four? My parents let me name him, which was dumb, because I was about as good with words then as I am now. I named him Chucho—that just means dog, or at least it does in Guatemala. Don’t look at me like that, man, I was three! Excuse you.” Poe poked Finn’s ass. “He was a tiny little puppy, nearly a runt. We got him during lambing season, and somehow he got convinced he was a lamb, so he would play with them, little shaggy thing jumping around these little curly things. I thought that was hilarious, so I would go play with them too, end up covered head to toe in bits of wool and dog hair. My parents called us los colochos for years—that just means, uh. The curly things, I guess? Curly ones? Whatever, anyway, little me was quite convinced that paradise was a cuddle pile of a bunch of lambs, one poodle-collie-who-the-hell-knows mutt, and me.”  

Finn laughed softly. “That's amazing. Yeah, if we got a dog, I'd want something fluffy like that. Oh man, I think that if I'd seen that I would have died of cute poisoning.”  

_ Finn cuddling with a fluffy puppy like Chucho…  _ Poe coughed. “Oh god. So would I, if I saw you with a dog like that. Way too much cuteness.”  

“Well that's settled, then. We'll have to get something really not fluffy, like a Sphynx cat.”  

“Nah. It’s worth it. I’ll see you cuddling, and join in, and then eventually we’ll put the dog in another room and close our bedroom door.”  

“That is a most excellent plan. I love it.”  

“Of course it’s a good plan. I came up with it.” Poe kissed Finn again.  

Finn watched the shadows of the darkening room play over Poe's face. Unable to resist, he reached up and smoothed his thumb over the smile lines by Poe's lips. “This is so good. This. Us. Now.”  

Poe turned his head to kiss Finn’s thumb. “Damn right it is. You’re—” The word cracked into a yawn. “You’re,” he tried again. “You’re incredible. You know that?”   

“I'm starting to believe it, maybe.”  

“Well, good.” Poe nestled further into Finn’s arms. “Or else I’ll write that on your arm with the sharpie.”  

Finn tipped up to kiss Poe's cheek. “My arm is going to get crowded. Then again, working in a garage or a kitchen, no one’s going to care what my arms look like.”  

“I’ll write small. That way there’s plenty of room to write whatever you need to hear.”  

“Even if it's just ‘I love you, sweetheart,’ over and over?”  

“Now  _ there’s  _ a good idea.” Poe kissed Finn back, grinning from ear to ear.  

“Of course it's a good idea, I thought of it,” Finn echoed back with a cheeky grin.  

“Dammit.” Poe rolled on top of Finn and pinned his shoulders down in a play-wrestling pose. “Shoulda known you’d be trouble.”  

Finn's breath caught in his throat at being pinned, and he smiled. “Good trouble, I hope.”  

“Good trouble with a great ass?” Poe grinned down at him.  

“Mmm, yeah. You know, you missed my ass earlier during your massage. I felt neglected for about two seconds.”  

“Aww, honey. Let me make it up to you sometime? I had a feeling you might come if I paid too much attention to it.”  

“That's probably right.” Finn grinned up at him. “Add it to the list of things to try.”  

“Ok.” Poe slipped one hand down to Finn’s ass and rubbed it a little. “I can think of better things to do with your ass, though, as long as we’re making future plans.”  

“Mmm. You know, you're not wrong.” Finn shivered a little beneath him. “Oh, god, I can't wait to try out that plug.”  

“Me too.” Poe shifted down between Finn’s legs, parted his thighs, and ran a finger down his crack. “God, you’re going to be even more beautiful like that.”  

“Yeah?” Finn’s voice was breathless. “Are you going to order me to wear it?”  

“If you want to.” Poe traced Finn’s rim with his finger. “I was thinking maybe while you garden, someday. I’d say while you cook, but I don’t want you to get hurt or anything. I think gardening’s pretty safe.”  

Finn's hips shifted against Poe's touch. “Only you'd know. Even if someone walked by.”  

“Damn right.” Poe sucked on his finger, then returned to Finn’s hole and pressed the first knuckle in, just enough to tease. He watched Finn’s face, unsure how far to press the fantasy. “They’d still know you were mine, though,” he said softly.  

“Only yours. Always yours.” Finn moved, fucking himself slowly on Poe's finger. “Mmmph.”  

“All mine.” Poe withdrew his finger with a teasing smirk.  

Finn chased it with his hips, then pouted when Poe withdrew completely. “Tease.”  

“You don’t want me to continue without lube, do you?”  

Finn eyes lit up. “You're going to continue, though?”  

“If you want me to?” Poe bit his lip.  

Finn nodded eagerly, then frowned. “Oh, but you yawned earlier. Are you sure you don't want to just sleep?”  

Poe shrugged. “Kinda tired. Kinda want to give your ass the attention it deserves. I feel like there’s probably a responsible choice to be made here, but I’m not usually great at making responsible choices.”  

Finn stroked Poe's cheek. “I really don't want to make the responsible choice here, either. You okay with letting future Poe and Finn suffer the consequences?”  

Poe sighed. “We could just wait for tomorrow and take our time.”  

Finn stuck his lower lip out, then sighed too, and kissed Poe. “Fine, ugh.” He tempered his response with a smile.  

“I know, man. I know.” Poe flopped onto his back next to Finn and covered his eyes with his arm. “But look, I have Plans. Good Plans.”  

Finn bit his lip and groaned. “Why I do I get the feeling I'm going to be dreaming about you again?”  

Poe rolled up onto his elbow and smirked down at Finn. “What else would you want to dream about?”  

“You got me there,” Finn replied with a grin.  

Poe leaned down to kiss him with a hint of teeth. “Got you everywhere, baby.” He rested his forehead against Finn’s. “Do you, um. Do you want me to stay over? Or should I go home?”  

Finn took one of Poe's hands in his. “I'd like to try again if you want. But with work tomorrow, I'd understand if you'd rather not bother.”  

Poe stared at their joined hands. “I’d—I’d like to try? It worked last time? Maybe it’ll work again?”   

“Let's get everything set up so it works for you. Do you want the door side? We should try the nightlights.”  

“Yeah. Ok.” Poe sat up and swallowed hard. “You’re—you’re—you’re  _ sure  _ you’re ok with trying again?”    

Finn followed, scooting off the bed and turning on the nightlight. “Yeah. It's like you said. If we don't try, it'll be harder to convince ourselves to do it again next time.” He turned back and grinned. “How's this?”  

“That’s  _ lovely.”  _ Poe admired the soft glow of the nightlight.  _ “Thank  _ you, buddy. Oh my god.”  

“Do you need anything else to make it feel like home? Oh, um—" Finn held up a finger, then hired it if the room. He found what he needed quickly, and returned, a little breathless, handing Poe the brand new copy of  _ Zen.   _

“You—” Poe stared at the book, eyes stinging. “I’m. I’m gonna. I’ll be—I’ll be back.” He clambered blindly off the bed, stumbled into the bathroom, and shut the door.  

Finn frowned, and sat on the bed, and worried.  **_You've done it now._ ** _ Shut up.  _ **_Just sayin’._ ** _ You don't understand, so you don't get a say. You would have never understood this.  _ **_Just_ ** _ —Shut. Up.   _

Poe scrubbed his face with a towel, trying to dry his tears. He gave up, cracked the door open again, and saw the tense line of Finn’s shoulders. “Baby.” He stepped out and leaned back against the door. “It’s ok, you’re ok. You bought that to—to read?”   

Finn watched Poe's face, trying to make sure he hadn't done something wrong. “You're okay?”  

“I just—” Poe shook his head. “I thought maybe you’d bought it to help me feel at home, and I got kinda overwhelmed. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”  

“I, um. I did. I wanted—if you had a bad night. I wanted you to have a copy here.”   

“Oh.” Poe blinked at Finn, then returned to the bed, wrapped his arms around Finn, and buried his head in Finn’s shoulder. “Baby,” he mumbled. “That’s— _ oh god.”  _

“It's, um. I'm sorry I overwhelmed you. But you're okay. Okay.” Finn leaned into Poe's embrace.  

“Look.” Poe stroked Finn’s back and stared across the room, trying to pull himself together. “I’m shit with words, you know that, I’m sorry, I—I don’t know what to say here, I just—you’re so good to me, baby, you’re so fucking sweet, and I just—yeah, ok, you’re right, I am kinda overwhelmed, but it’s a good kind of overwhelmed, the best kind. You—you  _ love  _ me. You take care of me. I’m still trying to get used to that.”  

“No, no, it's my…what do you call it? My jerkbrain. Relearning. I told it to shut up, though. Just always seems to leave me a little shaky. I'm working on it.” 

“Shit, I’m sorry, baby, I’m  _ sorry.  _ I didn’t mean to freak you out.”   

“I know it’s a coping mechanism for you, but it makes me worry, is all. About what I did. Um. And I ruined everything again. I’m sorry.” Finn pulled back a little, twisting his hands together. “I should be better. I should  _ know _ you’re not…that if you…if you were upset, you’d be upfront about it. But that’s not my first instinct.”  

“Sweetheart.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheeks in his hands, alarmed. “Sweetheart, _no._ Look. I’m—I really glad you know that, in your non-jerkbrain. If I were actually upset, you’re right, I would tell you. I mean—” His eyes flicked away, then back. “Maybe not _right_ away, but as soon as I possibly could, and it would be ok, and we’d talk about it, and figure out how to fix it together. You’re _ok,_ baby. You don’t need to be ‘better,’ fuck, you’re—you’re so fucking good to me. Always. Ok? You’re all right. You didn’t ruin anything.” He brushed a thumb over Finn’s cheek.  

“Yeah?” Finn whooshed out a breath. He reached up and placed a hand over Poe’s on his cheek. “Thanks. I’m getting there. I think I’m getting there.” He smiled, laughed a little to himself. “Or we’re going to be having this exact conversation fifty years from now.”  

“That would be ok.” Poe smiled ruefully. “But I hope we won’t be. I’m glad you’re relearning. I’m glad you told your jerkbrain to shut up. And I’m—I’m—I’m sorry I overreacted.”    

“No, no. It’s, um. Sweet, now that I have a chance to think about it. Surprising you, in a good way. I’m glad it was a good way. I just want you to be comfortable here.”   

“I get any more comfortable here, I’ll start walking around in my underwear.” Poe looked down at his naked body. “Um. Well. Something like that. Anyway. Thank you for the book. That’s unbelievably nice of you.”  

“Hey, no complaints here. Feel free, baby. Why do you think I have curtains?” Finn smiled, and kissed Poe on the cheek. “You’re welcome.”  

Poe wrapped his arms around Finn again and rocked them in place. “Thank you for thinking of me,” he murmured into Finn's hair. “You're so good, baby. So fucking good. I love you.”  

Finn let himself be rocked, let the motion settle his mind, his spirit. Belatedly, he murmured back, “I love you, too.”  

“Oh, good,” Poe mumbled. “I never would have guessed. You only do everything you possibly can to make me feel safe here, and oh right you fucked my brains out before that, don’t you think I’ve forgotten.”  

Finn laughed into Poe's chest. “We got this,” he whispered, mostly for himself.  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder.  

Finn felt like he'd spent every moment of his life leading up to this touch-starved, and honestly, he probably had. He felt like something inside him had been yelling, screaming, begging, pleading for this. Exactly for this. Everything else he'd tried hadn't been able to touch the void within him. But Poe's kiss, just there, on his shoulder…the screaming, pleading thing inside of him coiled, and soothed, and calmed. He sighed in Poe's arms, louder than he'd meant, and his cheeks went red at the sound of it.  

“You know,” Poe yawned, “you give really good hugs. I mean really,  _ really  _ good hugs. Like, your cocksucking skills are also incredible, 10/10 would recommend to…me, future me,  but your hugs are just  _ inspired,  _ you know? I really admire your work.”  

Finn laughed and tipped his head up. “Thanks. Mostly I'm just holding on for dear life.”  

“Oh, baby.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “I’m so sorry.”  

Finn preened under Poe's touch, tracing circles on Poe's chest. “No matter now. Shall we go to bed?”  

“It  _ does  _ matter, it does, I’m—I’m not being the stable support that you need, that you deserve, I just tr-triggered you and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, I wish I’d—” He shook his head.  

Finn looked up, startled. “Poe, baby, where is this coming from? You are—Christ, you and Rey are about the most stable things in my life. I need you.”  

Poe stared back at him. “Two minutes ago you had to fight off your jerkbrain, because of  _ me.  _ You don’t need that in your life.”  

“Yeah, and a month and a half ago I was fighting a battle every night, and I wasn't sure I was going to win in the long run. Do you know how much less jerkbrain gets a chance to say anything now?”  

“I’m glad, baby.” Poe brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek. “But that’s not because of—of me, that’s  _ you,  _ buddy, you and your therapist.”  

“Listen, I'm not saying you have a magical cock that cured me or something, although it's certainly magical. I'm saying—you were there for me, when I was so unstable I was freaking out at work, when I couldn't hide it anymore.” Finn clasped his fingers together hard, trying to distract himself. “I'd understand if you don't want to—don't want to be with the mess that is me. But I don't understand this. I don't understand why you can't see how happy you make me. Despite being triggered. Fuck, Poe, how many times have I triggered you during sex?”  

Poe opened his mouth, then closed it again, throat too tight to speak. He blinked back tears, but they fell anyway, blurring Finn’s face before him.  

Finn brushed the tears from Poe's cheeks with his thumb. ”Oh, honey.”  

“You’re not a mess,” Poe whispered. “You’re—” He buried his face in Finn’s shoulder again. “You’re a miracle. I don’t know why I make you happy, but—but I’m so fucking glad you’re happy. I’m so glad you’re doing better now.”    

“I hope maybe I can do the same for you someday.”  

“You do, baby. You do. You keep pushing me out of my box. And it keeps being worth it, every time.”  

Finn let out a small breath of relief. “Okay, good.”  

“Great,” Poe corrected with a crooked smile. “Very great. Do I need to remind you that before you, I hadn’t had sex with anyone in seven years?”  

“I'm glad you broke your silence for me, then.”  

“Me too.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple.  

Finn kissed Poe back. “I'm pretty sure half of this is that we're tired, and we've still got hormones jangling through our systems. Let's go to bed.”  

“Who’s tired?” Poe yawned.  

Finn laughed and poked Poe's stomach. “C’mon, baby.” Finn gave Poe a kiss, then scooted over, pausing in the middle of leaning back. “Did you want the door side?”  

“Um. If that's ok? It's your space, I don't want to disrupt your routine.”  

Finn slipped easily over to the other side. “No worries. I can go through my routine just about anywhere. Fell asleep on Rey’s porch once.” He frowned. “Nevermind.” He patted the bed beside him, and slipped under his down comforter.  

“I'm just going to get my pills and all that first.” Poe pulled his things from the drawer and slipped into the bathroom to wash up.  

Finn watched, his eyes already feeling droopy. Maybe orgasms really were the silver bullet for his insomnia.  

Poe stepped back into the bedroom and paused at the doorway with a soft smile. Was Finn asleep already? His face was peaceful, content, so fucking young. Poe shut off the light, tiptoed back into the room, and put his backpack into the drawer again as quietly as possible. 

He slipped into bed, pulled the covers up to his chin, and curled up on the edge of the bed, facing Finn.  _ Please, God, let us be ok.  _ He closed his eyes, relaxed into the bed, and let the quiet rhythm of Finn's breath lull him to sleep.  


	29. Confessions in the kitchen, and [redacted] in the bedroom, pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn comes over for dinner and a sleepover, the night before going to visit with Kes.  
> Basically our boys being fluffy and smutty and just a little bit angsty.  
> So begins our 67 page date.
> 
> Really hastily edited so if I missed something major, my apologies!

**Finn:** Boom. Done with my classwork. You feeling up to afternoon gardening and/or dinner and/or bedtime company?

**Poe:** Boom indeed! Good for you! *\\*_O_*/*

**Poe:** That’s a cheerleader emoji. 

**Poe:** DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT I can invent whatever emojis I damn well please

**Poe:** Ahem.

**Poe:** My knee has decided that gardening time is over, sorry. I was going to run out and get groceries now…if you want, you could send me a list of things to get and then teach me how to make something? Or we could do whatever you want. We could even finally finish that movie.   

**Finn:** It’s so nice, how about grilling some steaks and veggies?  

**Poe:** No grill, sorry :(  

**Finn:** No worries. I have a cast iron skillet with a grill bottom. It’s not quite the same, you don’t get the smoke, but it’s still delicious  

**Poe:** What the hell even is that

**Poe:** You want to bring it over? You wanted to sleep over here tonight, right?  

**Finn:** lol

**Finn:** And yes, I’d love to, if you want. We’ve got a good track record going, knock on wood.  

**Poe:** Okay, sounds like a plan. Text me the ingredients and I’ll go run out and buy them now.  

**Finn:** A couple of steaks —whatever cut you like, I normally just go for the cheapest, lol

**Finn:** Some summer squash —those are the yellow ones. Maybe one each. A sweet potato —one big one or a couple of small ones. 

**Finn:** Hmm, any other veggies you like grilled?

**Finn:** I’ve got a package of saffron rice I can bring, too  

**Poe:** I’ve got rice. No saffron. Wait is that a sauce? spice? vegetable? fuck it why am I so bad at this

**Poe:** I’ll get the rest. Okay. See you in an hour or two?  

**Finn:** Love you babe :-* 

Finn smiled down at his phone, and got up to stretch out his back. He glanced down at his watch, then considered, and headed out for a run.  

Poe unloaded the bags from his car, laid the ingredients out on the counter, and pulled out his phone. 

**Poe:** Ready to rumble, whenever you are  

**Finn:** Okay, I just need to shower and I’ll be over soon!  

**Poe:** Now THAT’s an image. Mmm  

Finn snorted, and threw his phone on his bed, stripping off his sweaty clothes and getting through his shower quickly. With a smirk to himself, he picked up his phone again and snapped a selfie.

_ Finn has sent an image. _

Poe stared at his phone, then sat down heavily in the nearest chair, gut clenching. Okay, _ this was a mistake.  _ He pressed a hand over his mouth. 

_ Somewhere, in an alternate universe, I’m taking long sexy showers with my boyfriend. In this universe, we’re about to have a great time grilling steaks. It’s okay. This is okay. It’s…just…different. That’s all.     _

**Poe:** Looking good, buddy.  

**Finn:** ;)

**Finn** : Headed over!  

_ Candles!  _ Poe straightened in his chair.  _ Flowers! Shit, Finn did the place up so nicely. Why did I forget all of that, shit, why am I failing at this so badly? Okay. I can do this.  _

He ran out back to the garden, picked a handful of the marigolds he’d just planted—Señora Garcia insisted they made tomatoes grow better, and he wasn’t about to argue with her—stuffed them into a glass, filled it with water, and set it on the table. Classy as an old boot, but so was he. It would have to do.   

Finn shouldered his backpack and slipped out of his house with a skip in his step. 

“Going to see your young man?” Finn turned toward Mrs. Patterson and waved. 

“Yeah, we’re grilling.”

“Good. Good. Need more people being respectable like that,” she muttered into her petunias.

Finn blushed. He was hoping Poe would feel like being a little  _ not _ respectable with him later. “Um, thanks, Mrs. Patterson.  Say hi to your cat for me.” He waved again, and continued. He was still smiling a little secret smile when he rang Poe’s doorbell.  

“Uh-oh.” Poe grinned at Finn and leaned in for a kiss. “That's your dangerous smile. Should I be worried?”  

“Dangerous? No.” Finn laughed. “Well, maybe. I hope, later. But I was actually thinking about how I’m starting—I’m starting to get the hang of this place, I think. Mrs. Patterson said hi, even, on my way over.”  

“Yeah? That's great, buddy! She's a good egg. Here, come on in.” Poe waved Finn inside. “You have plans for later, huh? Got a secret sexy boyfriend hiding somewhere?”  

Finn circled his arms around Poe’s waist, bringing him in for a quick hug. “Yeah, right here. Although he’s less of a secret, I guess. Still fucking sexy, though.” He leaned in to smell the light spice of Poe’s cologne and sighed.  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned stupidly and wiggled a little in Finn’s arms. “Hmm. I like it when you call me that.”  

“Good, I'll call you that more often then. But not at work.” Finn winked, and took Poe's hand. “You hungry, or do you just want to hang for a bit?”  

Poe shrugged. “How long does this take? I’ve never grilled steaks before.”  

“Not long. Whole thing from start to finish with prep time, like twenty minutes?” 

“Hmm.” Poe played with Finn’s fingers. “Well, we could hang for a bit first. On the other hand, the sooner we finish dinner…”  

“Mmm. And do you have plans for me, Mr. Dameron?”  

Poe pressed his lips together against a smirk. “Maaaaaybe? Depends on what you’re up for tonight.”  

“I mean,” Finn said with a grin and a flick of his eyes below, “I'm not  _ up _ for anything yet, but that tends to change pretty quickly when I'm in your presence. Your  _ sexy  _ presence.”  

“You know,” Poe nodded sagely, “I’ve noticed this. No complaints, though.”  

Finn led Poe down the hallway and to the couch, where he sat. “How was your day?”  

“My day was lovely, Mr. Finn. How was yours?” Poe tucked his legs up into Finn’s lap.  

“I feel wrong complaining about schoolwork when I made such a big deal about going. It’s my choice, after all.” Finn ran his hand along Poe's leg, squeezing his calf.  

“It’s  _ homework,  _ man. Homework sucks. No way around it. I mean, I hope your cooking homework is more fun, but this is just the basics still, isn’t it? Highlighters, and shit? Oh! I forgot!” Poe jumped off the couch, raced into his room, and returned with a crisp new box of highlighters, spanning the entire rainbow, and a box of mechanical pencils as well. “How am I doing? Did I beat Suzi yet?”  

Finn pulled Poe to him and kissed him soundly. “It’s not even a contest at this point. Poor Suzi.”  

“Yeah, I bet my dick’s bigger than hers, too. Um. Uh. A-nyway.” Poe cleared his throat. “I’m glad you like them. And I bet we can think of ways to make your homework a little more entertaining next week.”  

“I don't know, Rey and I got to talking about toys this week and she showed me a pegging setup. Harness? Whatever. Suzi could have quite the package if she wanted.” Finn laughed. “But believe me, I'm happy with your dick.” He caressed Poe's ass appreciatively. “What did you have in mind for my homework?”  

“Well.” Poe settled back into Finn’s lap. “The toys are supposed to come next week. I was thinking maybe you could do homework while wearing the plug. And then get to come once you’ve finished.”  

“Yeah?” Finn exhaled. “What did I say about not being ‘up’ before? Jesus.”  

“Mmm.” Poe shifted his hips over Finn’s in a mock lap dance. “I see what you mean. This is a problem. A really hard problem. I don’t know how to solve it.”  

“You going to keep me hard through dinner?” Finn whispered. “Because in that case, you're in charge of the knife.”  

“Nah,” Poe sighed. “I mean, I’ll happily do the chopping, because I’d rather you keep your thumbs. But I’ll need you to tell me what to do, not moan until I’ve got a problem too.” He pushed himself up with a reluctant groan and took Finn’s hands. “Come on, man. Let’s cook some shit, and then we can get down to business.”  

Finn let himself be pulled up. “I adore you.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at Finn. “Well. Right back at you, buddy.”  

Finn walked to the kitchen, setting his bag on the counter and taking out his skillet.  

“What the hell even is that?” Poe asked. 

“You wouldn't be asking that if you'd paid attention to  _ Tangled. _ ” Finn laughed and started going through Poe's cupboards, setting out two cutting boards.  

“No, look, I know what a frying pan is. But that’s no frying pan. Wait, shit, that’s the grill pan thingy you were talking about, right?”  

“Yup.” Finn twirled it in his hand. “Makes a great weapon, though.” He handed it to Poe to let him test the heft. “The grooves at the bottom will simulate a grill. Again, no smoke. Maybe we should think about buying a cheap charcoal grill for the summer? You have the perfect backyard for it, with the afternoon shade.”  

_ And a white picket fence to go along with it, huh?  _ “Um,” Poe coughed. “I don’t know the first thing about grilling, buddy. I think you have to be an all-American football expert to be allowed to grill shit.”  

“I don't know much either. We could learn and totally fail together.” Finn took the skillet back and set it on the stove top. “Or not,” Finn said with a shrug.  

“We’ll see. First I want to see this, though. What do you want me to do here? Can I chop something?”  

Finn opened the fridge, pulling out the ingredients for dinner. “We should get the rice started first. The package is in my backpack. It says on it how much water we need to bring to a boil. You could do that?” He smiled down at the steak. “Good choice. I love strip.”  

Poe pulled out the rice and squinted at it. “Why is this so complicated?”  

Finn came up behind Poe, resting his head on Poe's shoulder to look at the package. “Right there, baby. 2 cups.”  

“Yeah, okay, I see it, I know how to make ordinary rice, I just—what the hell is in this? What is saffron? Don’t look at me like that, buddy, I am a perfectly responsible adult and I can fly any plane you give me and fix any car and I have never bought expensive fancy rice before, okay?”  

“Mmm. And I totally respect all of those things about you. More than respect, admire. But fancy expensive rice is delicious. And also not that expensive.” Finn popped a kiss on Poe's cheek, then turned to set the sweet potato in the microwave to precook.  

“This is payback for teaching you how to fix cars, isn’t it?”  

Finn wiggled his ass in Poe's direction as he leaned over the counter on his elbow to wait. “I mean, no, you were always really nice even when I forgot stuff, so I hope I'm not coming across as…mean or anything. Sorry.”  

“You  _ are  _ being really nice, baby. Thank you.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple on his way to set a pot of water on the stove. “I’m just giving you a hard time, sorry. Should I stop?”  

Finn straightened, and considered. “No, it's okay. Something I should work on. I mean, I'm getting better at Jess and Snap teasing me.”  

Poe frowned at him. “When I asked, you said they’d been better lately. They’re still giving you shit?”  

Finn rinsed the summer squash and efficiently chopped off the heads, then sliced them into coins. “No, it's totally okay. It's—I'm getting used to it. I mean, I used to take shit all the time anyway, in the military and—and before.” He paused, making sure his hand was steady as he continued to chop. “So, um. It's fine.”  

_ Fucking hell.  _ Poe carefully set his hand over Finn’s, stopping the knife’s rapid movements. “Buddy.” He took Finn’s shoulders and turned Finn towards him. “That’s exactly what I meant. You don’t need to take shit from anyone. You deserve to feel safe at work. Everywhere. Everyone does. If they’re not backing off, that’s  _ their  _ problem, and I will talk to them about it again, and make sure something actually  _ changes  _ this time.” 

“I don't need special treatment.”  

“Let me try that again, and you let me know where I lost you, okay?” Poe held Finn’s eyes and spoke as gently as he could. “Everyone. Deserves to feel safe. Everywhere. At work, at home, in the street,  _ everywhere.  _ If an employee of mine doesn’t feel safe, it’s my fucking job to change that. I would do the exact same for Jess, or Snap, or anyone under my roof. All right?”  

“They're not doing anything wrong, I'm just too sensitive.” Finn couldn't maintain eye contact.  

“Buddy.” Poe swallowed hard. “Let me—” He stopped to clear his aching throat, then started again, as slowly and quietly as before. “Let me try again, okay? Everyone. Deserves. To feel safe. Everywhere.” He brushed his thumb over Finn's cheek, trying not to cry. “I know I’m not arguing with the real Finn here. I don’t know how to get through to you.”  

Finn leaned against the counter, tired, numb. “I—I don't know what to say.”  

“I’m sorry.” Poe touched Finn’s arm, not sure if Finn wanted contact right now. “I’m not mad at you, buddy. All right? Not in the slightest. I’m mad—at a whole lot of fucking other people right now, but not you. You’re okay.” He bit his lip. “Look. Let me try something else, all right? I don’t like lying b-b-beneath you. Am I being too sensitive? Should you lie on top of me anyway, to—to toughen me up, or something?”   

“No, of course not. I'd never do that.”  

“I know you wouldn’t, sweetheart.” Poe dropped his hand back to his side. “That’s what I mean. I’m not going to let them keep doing things that make you feel unsafe.”  

“I don't want to get them in trouble. I—it's not like they know, right?” Finn wiped at his eyes.  

“They better fucking know, because I already talked to them about it, the last time I heard about this. They’ll…” Poe sighed. “I don’t know if ‘trouble’ is the right word. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do. I’m going to have to think about it. But they’re doing something very wrong right now, something that’s hurting you, something they’ve already been told not to do. They deserve to feel the consequences of that.”  

“Sometimes it makes me feel good? Like I belong to something?” Finn crossed the kitchen and dropped into a chair. “I'm such a mess, Poe.”  

“So are we all, buddy.” The water for the rice started boiling over. Poe took it off the heat, turned the stove off, and came to sit next to Finn. “I don’t think they realize that what they’re saying hurts you. I think if they did, they would find a different way to interact with you. A way that makes you feel included  _ and  _ safe. Everyone wants to belong to something, sure. But you shouldn’t have to get hurt to belong to something.”  

Finn reached out to catch Poe's hand in his. “Thanks,” he murmured. “I guess, um. I guess sometimes, when you tease me, or they do, it's like his. Um. His style. I—I—I—" Finn stopped and took a breath. “I really can't stand the idea that I've done something wrong. Like that I was teaching you the wrong way.”  

“I’m sorry.” Poe stroked the back of Finn’s hand. “I’m sorry, buddy. I’m glad you told me. I think about 90% of my vocabulary is sarcasm—” He thought for a moment. “In English, at least. In Spanish, I think it’s closer to 95%. But, um. Anyway. If it hurts you, I’ll stop talking like that. Learn new ways to talk. I can do that, buddy. So can Jess and Snap. May take us a little while. It’ll help if you speak up when we say something that hurts. But we’ll get there. We all want you to feel safe.”  

“Thank you.” Finn leaned over to gather Poe in his arms.  

“Of course, baby.” Poe hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry we’ve been hurting you. I’m so glad you spoke up.”  

“It's really not that bad. It's not. It's my home, but I don't have to stay. I choose to stay. It's not like when I was little and my choice was to stay, or run away, or—or find a different way out. A way out of everything.”  

“I’m glad you have a choice now, buddy. I’m still going to do everything I fucking can to not force you to run away. All right? It’s my job to make the garage a safe place for everyone. It’s my job as your boyfriend to make sure you feel safe with me. So whatever I can do to make that happen, let me know, please. And I’ll find a way to do it.”  

Finn squeezed tighter, burying his face in Poe's chest. “Okay. Okay.”  

“You’re going to be all right, sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn’s head, then cradled him closer. “I promise you. I love you.”  

“I love you, too.” Finn leaned back, made a show of checking his watch. “Well, we made it like three days without a crisis. New record?”  

Poe shrugged. “Apparently it’s a crisis we should have had long ago. I’d rather have a crisis than keep sweeping a problem under the rug.”  

“Fair.” Finn took a deep breath. “I appreciate you listening to me.” He squeezed Poe's hand. “I think I'm ready to keep cooking.”  

“Ok.” Poe studied Finn’s face. “You can talk to me anytime. You know that, right? If anything is wrong, no matter what it is. I just—I really hope you feel you can talk to me, all right? We’re in this together. I need to make sure you feel safe.”  

“I really do, Poe, I promise. Or I wouldn't have—I mean, our relationship is founded on how safe you make me feel, is all.”  

Poe held Finn’s gaze for a moment, then reluctantly nodded. “All right.” He kissed Finn’s knuckles. “I’m glad you feel safe with me.”  

“Really safe.” Finn tipped in to brush his lips across Poe's. “I hope you feel safe with me, too.”  

“I do, sweetheart.” Poe kissed him back with a small smile.  

“Good.” Finn kissed Poe's  forehead, then stood and pulled the sweet potato out of the microwave. He checked that the rice water hadn't boiled away, and set it back on the burner to reheat.  

“I’m, uh.” Poe bit his lip. “I’m going to go downstairs for a moment, all right? You’re okay, baby, you’re very okay. I just, um. I can’t really do anything about the past. So I’m going to say hi to my punching bag for a moment.”  

Finn looked back, startled. Then nodded. “Make sure to protect your knuckles this time, baby.”  

Poe snorted. “Yeah, I have gloves.” He smiled a little at Finn, then patted his shoulder on his way out of the kitchen. Down in the basement, he strapped on his gloves, took up a fighting stance, and slammed a fist into the punching bag. Over, and over, left hook, right uppercut, until the world blurred for a moment into a frenzy of action. Conscious of the time, he stopped as soon as his body started humming with the satisfaction of landing a few good blows. Gloves off, face toweled, knee stretched, and shoulders shaken out, he hurried back up the stairs to the kitchen.  

Finn was finishing up with the veggies when Poe rushed in. His face was a little red, and his hair adorably sweaty in its curls. “Welcome back.” Finn offered a smile, then plated the last of the veggies and put them in the oven to warm. He circled an arm around Poe's waist and kissed his temple, enjoying the heat of Poe's skin. “I'm glad you have an outlet. Thanks for not, um, punching the wall again.”  

Poe snorted. “Glad to oblige. Didn’t realize you were so fond of my knuckles.” He kissed Finn back, then leaned into Finn’s embrace. “How are things going up here? What can I do to help?”  

“Of course I'm fond of your knuckles. They hold your fingers on, and those fuckers are  _ mine. _ ” To prove his point, Finn took Poe's hand and kissed the tips. “These hands are too valuable to me to break. Keep them in good shape, okay?”  

“Well. If you insist.” Poe grinned at Finn. “I do have plans for these fuckers, after all.”  

“Me, too.” Finn kissed Poe's hand again and let it drop. “I think the rice is almost done, you could check that. How do you like your steak?”  

“Edible.” Poe lifted the top off the rice and blinked against the sudden cloud of fragrant steam. “Wow, this looks good.” He pulled it off the heat.  

“Fluff it up with a fork. Basically, stir it,” Finn said with a smile as he slipped the strip steak onto the sizzling skillet.  

“You know, it’s really an honor to be the first guest on your cooking show.” Poe pulled out a fork and cautiously stirred the rice, trying not to spill it all over the counter.  

“Perfect. Looks great. You should give it a taste, hun.” Finn checked his watch, and flipped the steak over.  

“Yeah, okay, whatever the hell saffron is, I like it.” Poe took the rice to the table, then returned and admired the competent flick of Finn’s hands on the spatula. “Do I get to be a judge? Is it that kind of cooking show? Or is it the  _ Show Off for Your Boyfriend  _ show?”  

“Mmm, I hope it’s the latter, and that the grand prize is coming until I can’t see straight.” Finn grinned at Poe. “How’m I doing so far?”  

“Now  _ there’s  _ a good idea! Oh man, I love it. I knew you were a genius. For the first half of the show, you show me how to cook. For the second half, I make you come so hard you forget your own name. Good plan. Great plan. I like this plan.”  

Finn bit down on his smile, but his knees went a little weak at Poe’s words. He furrowed his brow, concentrating on testing the doneness of the steak _. No good to faint from excitement when handling a hot skillet, _ Finn, he told himself. He set the steak aside on the cutting board to rest, and turned to Poe, wrapping an arm around his waist and bringing their mouths together. “Mmmmph. Banned. You are banned from that in the kitchen. Because now all I’m thinking about is you turning me over this counter and pounding into me and—and—and—that is not conducive to our situation right now.”  

“Mmmph.” Poe wobbled against Finn, then set his hands on the counter to pin Finn in place and kiss him the way he needed to be kissed. “That’s your fantasy, huh?” he managed at last. “We could do that someday.”  

Finn’s head was spinning, and he managed a slow nod. “I pretty much have a fantasy about you fucking me over any available surface, FYI.”  

“Well.” Poe rested his forehead against Finn’s. “I think I could fit you into my schedule, one of these days.”  

“How kind of you, baby. I appreciate it. Then again, after looking at those toys, I don’t know. I guess if you’re busy I can find a way to entertain myself.” Finn kissed Poe once more, then turned around, wiggling his ass at Poe again —God, why did he enjoy doing that so much? —before taking the veggies out of the oven.  

“You forget, of course, that the toys are shipping straight to my house.” Poe transferred the veggies to the table. 

“Oh, right.” Finn began to slice the steak into thin pieces, pleased with the doneness. “Well. I’d say, ‘I guess we’ll have to see who can hold out the longest,’ but I think we all know it’s you.” He nodded at the cupboard. “Hey, baby, could you get our plates out?” He transferred the steak to table and sighed with happiness at his handiwork.  

“Is that an age joke? That’s totally an age joke.” Poe shook his head in dismay. “I don’t believe it. The things I put up with in my own house.” He set out the plates, kissed Finn’s cheek, and went back for silverware.  

“Not an age joke so much as my commenting on my own lack of willpower, babe.” Finn sat at the table with a sigh, and then gasped. “Poe! You got us flowers!”  

“They’re just from the garden,” Poe mumbled. “I, uh. You made your place look so nice. I forgot all that shit. This is the best I could think of at the last minute.” He set out the silverware and flopped down into his seat.  

“They’re beautiful. Better because they’re from the garden. I love them.” Finn started portioning food onto his plate, sighing again, then glancing at Poe. “I promise, no moaning. But this looks fucking delicious, you have to admit.”  

“Ahh, moan away. You deserve it.” Poe looked at the table and shook his head. “This is  _ incredible,  _ Finn. How the hell did you learn how to make all of this so well?”  

“Well, to be fair, the rice is from a package.” Finn shrugged. “I’m self-taught, mostly. Food Network, cook books, Youtube channels, the internet. It’s pretty cool what resources are available these days. Although I imagine they’re going to break me down just to build me up again in a different form in culinary school. I’m sure my technique is atrocious.”  

“That…sounds pretty unpleasant.”  

“I’ll need you to remind me of why I’m doing it if that happens, probably.”  

“You sure that’s—I mean.” Poe looked down at his hands. “I know that’s your dream, and all. But if it gets in the way of your recovery—”  

“I’m probably being pessimistic, right? Too scared by Gordon Ramsay.” Finn took a bite of sweet potato and steak together and hummed.  

“Oh, right. Dinner.” Poe served himself, tried a bite, and reached across the table to shake Finn's hand. “My congratulations to the chef, sir.”  

Finn’s small smile tipped up his cheeks, and he nodded over their hands. “My sincerest thanks.”  

Poe grinned at Finn, then settled back into his chair. “I have no idea what to expect in cooking school. I’ve obviously never been. Could you, um. Could you maybe talk to the professors? Instructors? Head chefs? Whatever they’re called. Ask them about it. Or observe a class, maybe.”  

“That’s a great idea,” Finn said, brightening. “I mean, it’ll make the first day way less nerve wracking, I hope.”  

“Well, that would be good. And that way, you know. If they turn out to be assholes. You can maybe talk to them and see if they’re willing to tone it down for you.”  

“Yeah.” Finn nodded, probably too vigorously for the moment, but Poe just made him feel like he could accomplish anything. “Yeah,” he said again, then blushed and stabbed at his food.  

“You got this, buddy.” Poe smiled at him.  

“Thanks.” Finn tinked his water glass against Poe’s and took a drink.  

“Serious about that cooking show, too. I mean, you’ve got a great face for TV.” Poe smirked. “Great everything, really. I could see it. It would be one of those nice shows, not one where everyone is yelling. Get some kids on there, teach them how to cook.”  

“Mmm. Except the major flaw in that fantasy is I’d have to go to like, LA or New York or something. But—" Finn stuck his fork in the air. “But I could hold cooking classes at my restaurant. For kids, for adults.” He shrugged.  

“Oh my god, that would be wonderful.” Poe beamed at him. “You’d be so fucking good at it. Like you were with Aaron.”  

“Yeah, and the community center really doesn’t offer anything like it, I checked. Maybe that’s my niche. How I sell myself to the community.”  

“Mmm, good thinking,” Poe laughed. “And of course you’ve already looked into it. Why am I not surprised? Planned out your curriculum yet?”  

“No…maybe. A little. When I’m falling asleep at night,” Finn grinned sheepishly.  

“Yeah? What else have you planned?”  

“Basic stuff, you know? ‘Here’s how to cook to save money, eat delicious food, and not have to slave away in the kitchen for hours.’”  

“I’d sign up in a heartbeat.”  

“Well, I’ll give you lessons for free, hun. If only so I don’t cook every night,” Finn said with a wink.  

“I know how to cook saffron rice now! That’s a start. Keep coming over and I’ll keep learning new things.”  

“That’s the plan. Side benny: excellent orgasms. We all win.”  

“Damn right.” Poe kicked back in his chair and ran his foot up Finn’s calf. “See, this is why I love you. A keen, strategic mind. Ability to look at all potential options. And, of course, you keep your eyes on the prize.”  

“When the prize is so damn good, it’s hard not to.” Finn let his legs fall open a bit, giving Poe better access, should he want—to do whatever he wanted.  

Poe traced up over Finn’s knee, then retreated back to his side of the table. “What’s your favorite thing to make?” 

“Mmm. I like pasta dishes, I think. I mean, how can you go wrong with carbs and cheese?” Finn raised a hand to tick off fingers. “Pizza. Mac and Cheese. Quesadillas. Risotto. You literally  _ can’t _ go  wrong with carbs and cheese. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, I guess.”  

Poe laughed. “All right, I see a theme here. So much for those fresh veggies.”  

“Well, you know. You have to get those in there, too. They’re harder, though.”  

“You’re good with hard things,” Poe shrugged, then lost the fight against a grin. “Sorry, that was just too easy.”  

Finn snorted. “And yet, you’re always telling me I’m  _ the worst _ . Takes one to know one.”  

“True. I’m so sorry. Let me make it up to you?”  

“Oh, well, I mean, you're also the  _ best _ at the same time, so it's not really that consequential.”  

“I don’t know, man, that’s pretty confusing.” Poe scooped up the last bite of steak, then set his fork down on his empty plate and resumed scoping out Finn’s leg. “Best at what, exactly? Can you be a little more specific for the jury?”  

“At letting me be me. At loving me. At making sure I'm safe.” Finn leaned in a little. “And at fucking me into oblivion.”  

“Pffft. All of that’s easy. Well, okay, the safe part is a challenge sometimes. But, uh, the rest. Loving you? Not like you make it hard, buddy.”  

“I find that a little hard to believe.” Finn tapped his fork against his lips. “No. I know that was my jerkbrain that just said that. But.”  

“Fuck off, jerkbrain. I was having a nice talk with Finn.” Poe propped his chin on his hand, serious again.  

Finn's lips tipped up, and he set down the fork. “And you're good at helping me separate reality from the fiction he makes me believe,” he murmured.  

Poe’s shoulders twitched up, then down. “I have a feeling you and your therapist are better at that than I am. But, uh. I guess, um. I have a little practice. Fiction is, uh. Kinda easy to get lost in.”  

Finn reached out and took Poe's hand, rubbing over his knuckles. “Are you going to accuse me of sounding like a romance novel if I say I love our reality?”  

“You are  _ such  _ a fucking romantic. It’s adorable. Also, I agree.”  

Finn blushed. “I'm glad it doesn't annoy you.”  

Poe nudged Finn’s foot. “I don’t get annoyed very easily. Especially not by you.”  

Finn squeezed Poe's hand and smiled. “How about the picture I sent earlier? Yay or nay in the future?”  

“Oh, shit. Um. Uh.” Poe rubbed his forehead. “That was, uh. Yeah. You, uh. You look good.”  

“You okay?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, um. Yeah.” Poe tried to stop his leg from jiggling against the table.  

Finn frowned. “I don't have to do it in the future. It's okay. Um. I just want you to be comfortable.”  

“No. No, it’s—um. It’s just, uh.”  

Finn waited.  

“I—I just, um. I just wonder?” Poe's hands wouldn’t stop shaking.  

Finn scooted around the table and gathered Poe in his arms, rubbing over his back soothingly. “Wonder what, baby?”  

“It’s just that, um. I, uh. I can’t—can’t do a—a lot of things? Um. Like, um. Sh-showering with you, or—or, uh—some p-positions, or c-cuddling to go to sleep, and—” Poe clenched and unclenched his hands, twisting them together and apart again. “I, uh. I just. I just wonder? If you, um. M-miss any of that. I try to—try to—”   

“Baby, shhhh,” Finn soothed. “I meant it when I said you’re the best, Poe. You think I got cuddling me to sleep or showering with anyone before? I mean, other than showering in the locker room, that kind of thing. I don’t miss it. Or, if having it meant I couldn’t have you…well, it’s a compromise I’m willing to make, then.“  

“Shouldn’t have to compromise,” Poe mumbled. “I want to—want to—g-give you everything.”    

“You give me everything, Poe. I promise.”’ Finn rocked Poe in his arms.  

“Except all of this! Showering, and sleeping together, and—” Poe fisted his hands in Finn’s shirt and hung on tight. “I—” He swallowed a few times, trying to speak past the lump in his throat. “I want it too,” he whispered at last, nearly too quietly to hear his own voice.  

“Is there…is there a safe way to take baby steps? We have all the time in the world. You don't have to force yourself to do anything you don't want to do.”  

Poe buried his head in Finn’s shoulder and took a few deep breaths, trying to get himself back under control. “I don’t know. Maybe?” God, he was so exhausted. “Maybe. But are you, um. Would you be okay if—if we never—ever?”    

“Yeah, baby. I really would. I always thought sexy times in the shower sounded like a recipe for disaster anyway. Isn't that the number one place for household accidents? And I'm already clumsy, so we really shouldn't take the chance.” Finn swept his fingers over Poe's cheek, through his hair, untangling it gently. “I love you so much, Poe. Exactly how you are right now. Not some—some theoretical version of you in the future that's different. You. Not your PTSD. You. With all my heart.”  

Poe tried to wipe his tears on his own shirt, rather than Finn’s, then gave up and just leaned into Finn’s embrace. “I love you,” he croaked. “I love you so much.”  

“Thank god.” Finn rubbed up and down Poe's back. “Thank god for that.”  

“You give really good hugs. You know that?” Poe finally managed to unclench his hands from Finn’s shirt and wrap them around Finn instead to hug him back properly. “You’re sweet, you’re so sweet, how are you so sweet to me? I—” He shook his head. “Thank you. I’m—I’m pretty sure you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”  

“Ditto. Ah, god, Poe, can I carry you to the couch so we can cuddle better? I just want to wrap you in my arms forever.” Finn kissed Poe's brow, then again, when he felt like one kiss couldn't evoke his emotion.  

“Don’t we have to clean up, or something?” Poe squinted around the kitchen.  

“We can do it later.”  _ When I've got you resting.  _ “It's not urgent.”  

“Mmm.” Poe settled back into Finn’s arms and nodded against his shoulder. “Good idea. Anyway, they’re my dishes, and you cooked, so I’m making an executive decision to do them tomorrow while you sleep in.”  

“Okay, baby. Just don't wash the skillet, okay? It requires special treatment.” Finn readjusted his arms so one was underneath Poe's knees. “Couch or bed? You look exhausted.”  

Poe hooked his arms around Finn’s neck and laid his head against Finn’s chest. “Maybe bed?” He smirked a little. “That way we don’t have to move again.”  

Finn found his grounding under his feet, and stood, cradling Poe to his chest like he'd done before, and god, he loved it. Loved the feel of this man in his arms, vulnerable with him because he knew Finn would keep him safe.  _ Trust,  _ Finn realized.  

Poe closed his eyes and let Finn’s steady arms carry him down the hallway. It was like flying, in a way—but he’d never trusted a plane the way he trusted Finn.  

Finn kept his hold close until he reached the bed. “Going to let your feet down, baby.” He eased Poe into a standing position. “Do you want pajamas?”  

“Um. I was kinda hoping we might take a naked detour between cuddling and sleeping. If, um. If you want to.”  

“You sure? You seem wiped.”  

“I’m—” Poe took a moment to reconnoiter. “I’m a little shaky. Between dealing with your jerkbrain and mine. There are far too many jerks in this house. But, um. I’m not really sleepy right now. Are you? What do you want to do?”  

“I am  _ definitely  _ not sleepy. I'll admit, my plan was to put you to bed and come back and clean the kitchen.” Finn grinned at Poe. “I can think of way better ways to get tired.”  

“Hey, whoa.” Poe poked Finn’s chest. “That kitchen is  _ mine,  _ sir. You cooked. I do the dishes. That’s how this works.”  

Finn held his hands up. “Okay, okay. I give, I give.” He fingered the hem of his t-shirt. “Do you—do you want to try ordering me again?”  

“Maybe? If you want to? What do you want to do?”  

“Get off, preferably,” Finn replied with a grin. “Get you off, too.”  

“There, see? Common ground. A great place to start.” Poe plopped down onto the bed and reached for Finn.


	30. Confessions in the kitchen, and [redacted] in the bedroom, pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never fear! This is more Fitting. I just have had a busy two weeks. -TLib
> 
> Poe has a plan: to tire Finn out so he won't worry about seeing his dad tomorrow.

“I was, uh. I was thinking maybe, um.”  

“Finally, my chance to say ‘uh oh’ back at you.” Finn bounced down into the bed with a grin at Poe.  

“Dammit.” Poe couldn’t help grinning back at him. “Ok. So, um. A while ago we talked about, uh, rimming? You weren’t really sure if you wanted to try it. I was thinking maybe if you wanted to, we could try it for a minute and see what you think.”  

Finn's mouth went dry, and his smile froze. “For real? Are you sure?”  

Poe flinched back, hands raised in front of his chest. “Only if you want to. If not, that’s fine. Completely fine. I won’t mention it again.”  

Finn managed to make his body work on command again, and he nodded vigorously. “Yes. Yes. Yes please. Please yes. Oh god this is what you meant by wreck me, isn't it?”  

“Um.” Poe blinked at Finn. “I mean. I’d like to do a lot of things with you. You’re sure you want to? We don’t have to. Plenty of other things to try.”  

Finn tugged at the hem of his shirt again. “Please? I really want to try.”  

“Then let’s try.” Poe smiled at him, caught in the bright spark in Finn’s eyes. “You’ll tell me what you think of it? Good or bad.”  

“I promise. Green, yellow, red.”  

“Ok.” Poe held Finn’s eyes for a moment, then kissed him. “In that case, you’re going to undress me. And then I’m gonna return the favor.”  

Finn nodded. He reached down, warming his hand against Poe's stomach, or maybe warming Poe's stomach with his hand.  Either way it was delicious. He pulled the shirt up and over Poe's head, smiling when Poe's face was revealed again. “Hi,” he murmured.  

“Hey.” Poe stretched, preening just a little under Finn’s gaze.  

“Mmmm,” Finn hummed, watching the stretch of muscles and sinews below the warmth of Poe's skin. “Sexy,” he whispered with a wink, fingers finding Poe's fly and opening it. “Can you lift your hips up for me?”  

“Yeah.” Poe complied, then smiled up at Finn. “God, you’re a boost to the ego.”  

“Mmm,” Finn said again as he slowly revealed Poe's hips, then cock. “Well if you ask me, you deserve it, baby. No reason to be humble about what you've got here.” He slid Poe's pants all the way off his legs and let them drop to the floor.   

Poe flushed down to his chest. “Well.” He settled over Finn’s hips and tugged at his shirt. “Let’s see you, pal.”  

Finn let himself fall back on the bed, raising his arms above him like Poe had.  

“God.” Poe pulled Finn’s shirt off, tossed it off the bed, and ran a hand down Finn’s tight abs. “You’re.” He blinked.  

Finn grinned and ran his own hands down his chest. “I'll take ‘made Poe Dameron lose his words’ as a pretty high compliment.”  

“To be fair,” Poe managed, clambering off Finn and working on his fly, “I don’t have a lot of words to begin with. But yes, god, you are so fucking gorgeous. I can’t  _ stand  _ it.”  

“Thank you,” Finn murmured, blush deepening when Poe's hands brushed over his cock.  

“Mmm.” Poe slid Finn’s jeans and boxers off, then stroked the hard curve of Finn’s thigh. “One of these days, I’m just going to sit here and memorize every inch of you. And you’ll just have to lie here and let me, huh?”  

“I've got no problem with you memorizing me. Somehow you already know the fastest ways to take me apart, anyway.” Finn smiled up at Poe. “Which, um, by the way, the pressure, the other night, you pinning me? Totally green on that if you want to do more.”  

“Really.” Poe cocked his head and stared at Finn. “Huh.” He thought that over, then nodded. “I could do that. I kinda liked that too.” He bit his lip. “I maybe kinda  _ really  _ liked it. So I’m glad you did, too.”  

Finn reached up to sweep aside Poe's curls. “Good. Sometimes I worry I'm being incredibly selfish, asking you to command me. Like it's all about me.”  

“Um.” Poe rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, um. This all started because I couldn’t handle, um. Doing things the normal way. So I’m glad  _ you  _ like it. And also, uh—the more we do, the more I find that I, uh, I like it. I  _ really _ like it.”  

“I'm glad. Also, fuck normal.”  

“Yeah?” Poe laughed. “Only one I want to fuck is  _ you.” _

Finn laughed along with him, then cupped his cheek. “Also, I thought we started this because I liked it so much, so I guess...let's stop worrying about the history?”  

“All right.” Poe pressed a kiss to the inside of Finn’s wrist, then stretched out beside him and cuddled close to his side. “Mmm, god, you feel so good. I have been thinking about this all day. I mean, the sex part too, but this—this is—this is really wonderful.”    

“Yeah. I think I'm starting to get addicted to the feel of you in my arms.” Finn swept his hand down Poe's side, squeezing his ass.  

“Feeling is mutual. Definitely mutual.” Poe snuggled into Finn’s arms, enjoying the press of Finn’s cock against his stomach.  

“Your kisses —also addicting,” Finn murmured, his lips a hair’s breadth from Poe’s.  

“Mmm? I’d say you should go to rehab, but nah. I don’t want to lose my supply either.”  

Finn kissed him then, couldn’t stop himself. It occurred to Finn that maybe he should get tired of Poe’s kisses, like they’d be the same every time. After all, it was the same variables. But god, no, never. He was never going to stop that little jolt of electricity from shooting down to his toes when their lips first met, not in a million years. He could feel it in his bones.  

Poe wrapped his hand around the back of Finn’s head, pulled him closer, sucked on his lip, and pressed his other hand against the smooth rise of Finn’s chest.  

Finn  moaned into the kiss, against the light pressure Poe was applying.  

Forget the kisses, Finn’s  _ moans  _ were intoxicating. Poe hiked a leg up over Finn’s hips, then used it to nudge Finn face-down on the bed. He settled over Finn’s thighs and traced the line of Finn’s spine. “Yeah, I like this view too.”  

Finn’s hands splayed over the sheets, Poe’s obvious appreciation warming him from the inside out.  

“Color,” Poe murmured.  

“Green,” Finn breathed. “Keep going, please.”  

“Yeah?” Poe patted Finn’s ass. “You’re not going to come until I tell you to, you know.”  

Finn nodded. “Okay. I’m going to try. Try my best to be good for you, baby.”   

“I know you will.” Poe nudged Finn diagonally across the bed and lay down between his legs. He ran a finger down Finn’s crack, then gently spread Finn’s cheeks and tried to keep breathing. He pressed a light kiss to the dusky pucker of Finn’s hole, then another, then licked a tentative circle around Finn’s rim.  

The feel of Poe’s tongue  _ there _ had an electrifying effect on Finn, and his skin was covered in goosebumps before the second kiss. He held his breath, anticipation growing.  

Poe sucked on the tender skin, then pressed into Finn’s hole with the tip of his tongue, teasing until it began to relax.  

Finn let his breath whoosh out in a rush. “Oh, oh god, Poe. That feels fucking amazing.”  

“Yeah?” Poe looked up with a little smirk, then stroked Finn’s side. “I’m glad. You’re being so good for me, baby.”  

Finn shivered under Poe, clutching at the sheets a little to help ground himself.  

“I’ve got you, baby. You’re being so good, so patient.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand, then settled into his task with a contented hum. He slowly fucked into Finn’s hole, losing himself in the satisfying work of rimming Finn for all he was worth.

“Mmmm,” Finn moaned, hips shifting, grinding his cock on the bed.  

“Nope.” Poe tightened his grip on Finn’s ass. “You’re not going to come yet, baby. You’re going to be good for me, right?”   

“Yes,” Finn said with a small whimper. Oh god, he fucking loved this. Being held on edge by Poe, beholden to him for his pleasure. Giving up all his power to someone he trusted completely. He buried his face in the cotton sheet and steadied himself.  

“There you go, baby,” Poe murmured. “See? You’re being so good for me. You’re so good, always. I’ve got you.” He kissed Finn’s hip, then kissed down towards Finn’s ass again, latched onto Finn’s hole, and sucked until his head swam with the intoxicating sound of Finn’s quiet moans.  

Finn wanted it to go on forever as much, if not more than he wanted to come. His back was taut, arched with holding himself back for Poe. That floaty feeling that had come before swept through Finn again.  

Poe recognized, on a distant level, that his mouth and tongue were getting tired, but that was utterly irrelevant. He could do this for days, he really could, feeling Finn shuddering beneath him— Poe picked his head up, found Finn’s hand again, and held on tight. “I want to fuck you,” he croaked. “Baby.”  

Finn nodded. “Please,” he whispered. He squeezed Poe's hand. “How do—how do you want me?” Finn's limbs felt shaky, but he was pretty sure he could push himself up to all fours. “Wanna feel your weight on me,” he moaned, voice slightly slurred, forgetting to wait for Poe's response.  

“Ok, baby.” Poe slipped off the bed onto shaky legs and rummaged through the nightstand for the lube, keeping one hand on Finn’s shoulder to stay connected to him. “I’m going to do that, okay? You just lie right there. I’ll take care of you.” He clambered back up onto the bed, slicked up his fingers, and circled one around Finn’s hole.  

Finn arched his back, trying to push the finger into his hole. “Poeeeeee.” It was a long, drawn out moan into the sheets.  

“You’re doing so well, baby.” Poe’s finger slid in easily, slicked by his previous ministrations. He followed it with a second soon after and curled downward, searching for Finn’s prostate. “I’ve got you. Gonna take care of you.” He kept his other hand on Finn’s hip, keeping them both grounded.  

Everything in Finn's body, his entire concentration, was centered on the weight of Poe's hand on his hip and his fingers inside, twisting and searching. He gasped and froze as Poe found his prostate, then fingered it over and over. Oh god, Finn wanted to come, but Poe had told him he couldn't, and he wanted to be good for Poe, so good, the finger was so good, oh god. He fisted into the sheets lest he float away.  

Poe slid in a third finger, then twisted and scissored, watching the tense claw of Finn’s fingers in the sheets and listening to his quiet moans. Worried that he’d gone too far, Poe slid his fingers out, stretched out on top of Finn, and kissed his shoulder. “Color, baby.”  

_ Color _ . The question floated through Finn's brain, tugging him up, up from the depths. How long it took, Finn wasn't sure. “Gr-green,” he moaned, acutely aware of the weight of Poe pressing him into the mattress. “Iloveyousomuch.”  

“I love you too, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder again and pressed his cheek against Finn’s back. “I’ve got you, all right? I’m going to fuck you now. You want that?”  

“Yes, please, yes, Poe,” Finn whispered. “Love you, yes, yes.”  

_ God,  _ Finn was beautiful like this. Laid out beneath Poe, trusting him, begging him, loving him—Poe slicked up his cock, pressed against Finn’s rim, and slid in inch by inch. Keeping a close watch on Finn’s shuddery breaths, he gathered up Finn’s hands, pinned them above his head, and thrust in slowly.  

Finn had let out a deep sigh when Poe had slid into him fully. Like coming home to Poe. Now, he relaxed totally, let Poe guide him to his pleasure. Poe knew what Finn needed. He was at Poe's mercy, and what's more, he knew Poe would only use that advantage for their mutual pleasure. He was pretty sure he was still making noise, but he was lost so happily, deep in his own head, he couldn't tell anymore.  

“I love you,” Poe murmured. He adjusted his angle to find Finn’s prostate again, watching for that moan that told him he’d struck gold. Finn’s tight heat surrounded him and completed him, like the missing piece he’d been waiting for all his life. “Love you. Love you, love you, love.” He kissed Finn’s temple again, and again, rocking his hips against Finn’s.  

A creature of sensation only now, Finn arched his ass up to meet Poe, to help him find the spot within him that helped him float deeper. His arms burned gloriously in their pinned position. “Poooooooeeeee,” he exhaled, not sure if he even said it aloud.  

“That’s me, baby.” Poe laughed a little, dizzy with power. “I think. God, Finn.” He wanted to stay here forever, and ever, and ever. He buried his face in Finn’s shoulder and fucked him harder, faster, matching Finn’s movements.  

“IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…” _ IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…   _

“I love you too, baby. I’ve got you.” At the sound of Finn’s desperate moans, something clicked into place in Poe’s gut. “Come for me,” he rasped. “Come for me, love. You’ve been so good.”  

Finn cried out, arching into Poe's body. Muscles tense, he spilled all over the sheets with a long deep moan, and collapsed, uncaring of the mess.  

Poe came with Finn’s moans still ringing in his ears. His thrusts stuttered, uncoordinated, as he spilled inside Finn. With the last of his conscious thoughts, he managed to roll them onto their sides, away from the mess. He tucked his legs up beneath Finn’s, eased Finn’s arms back down to his sides, cradled Finn in his arms, and kissed the back of Finn’s neck. “You’re so good, baby,” he murmured. “So good for me. I love you so much.”  

Finn was so safe, so happy, so  _ free _ in Poe's arms. He let himself float, murmuring his love in ways that probably didn't even make sense.  

Poe grinned softly at Finn’s disjointed mumblings and stroked Finn’s cheek. “Pretty sure I agree with you, babe. But we may have to compare notes later.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Finn’s hair. “Love you. Oh, god, Finn.”  

Eventually, Finn's cocoon began to ease away, his head less floaty, his body feeling more real. The aches that accompanied fantastic sex began to make themselves known. “Fuck, baby,” he moaned again, stretching himself like a cat against Poe's body.  

“Welcome back, love.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder and hugged him close. “Have a nice trip?”  

“Oh my god, Poe. You are seriously the best fucking lover I've ever had. I think my brains are still in a puddle somewhere on the floor.”  

“Well,” Poe yawned. “That’s okay. I’ll go mop them up later and figure out how to put them back into your head.” He hesitated as the rest of Finn’s words finally registered. “Wait, really? Best—you have got to be kidding me.”   

Finn kissed the arm that was pleasantly trapping his chest. “I feel safe with you. I can give myself completely to you. I don't have to keep some part of my brain locked up, conscious, in case the guy I picked up tries to get a little too possessive, you know? I trust you, wholly.” He let a few beats go by. “And your dick ain't bad, either.”  

“Well,” Poe snorted, face hot. “That’s good to know.” He nuzzled into Finn’s neck, serious again. “It’s an honor,” he said softly. “That you trust me. It means—means the world to me, baby.”  

“You earned it, fair and square, Poe.” Finn kissed Poe's arm again. “Fuck, I really like this,” he said, indicating the weight of Poe's arm over him. “Like you're keeping me grounded. Liked it when you pinned my arms above my head, too, although now that I can feel it, my shoulder is a little tight.”  

“Shit, baby, I'm sorry.” Poe rubbed Finn’s shoulder. “Want me to massage it?”  

“That would be  _ wonderful _ , but you don't have to, it's okay. I can stretch it out in the morning.”  

“It’s okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Poe scooted back just far enough to get his hands on Finn’s shoulders, then started to knead the knots out of them.  

Finn groaned happily. “S’okay baby. I liked what you did, and it's fixed easily enough.” He frowned. “Though, should I be worried that I was so lost in it that I didn't notice?”  

“Um. Maybe a little? I don’t know.” Poe worked at a stubborn knot, easing the tight muscle back into place. “More research, maybe.” He tried to hold onto Finn’s praise. “I’m glad you liked it, baby. Maybe there’s a way to keep you grounded without hurting you.”  

Finn rolled his hips back against Poe. “I  _ loved _ it. Seriously, you are... amazing. Literally breathtaking. Christ.”  

“Yeah?” Poe blushed. “Um. Wow. Uh.” He smoothed his palms against Finn’s shoulders, grinning dopily at his boyfriend’s back. “Well. Same back at you, baby. When you get—when you go, wherever you go, it’s—it’s fucking incredible. So beautiful.”    

“Yeah?” Finn echoed. “I almost wish I could see it, but I think I'm too selfish to give up the experience.”  

Poe laughed and snuggled back against Finn’s side. “Oh, baby. You’re such a wonder.”  

“Thank you, I think. So you like it, though? You’re not just…like…indulging me?”  

“God.” Poe closed his eyes. “Yeah,” he croaked. “Yeah, I like it. I don’t even know where to begin.”  

“Good,” Finn murmured, wrapping Poe’s arms tighter around him. “Still, thank you.”  

“Anytime, baby.” Poe found Finn’s hand and twined their fingers together. “I’m glad you like it.”  

Finn snorted. “I think ‘like’ is a bit of an understatement.”  

“Fair.” Poe cuddled closer. “God, you’re cozy.”  

“Right back ‘atcha, honey. Screw the real world, I’m just staying here for the rest of my life.”  

“Now  _ there’s  _ a good life plan.” Poe yawned.  

“And yet,” Finn groaned. “Let’s take a few more minutes, and then we should really change the sheets, or I have no place to sleep. I made a mess,” he admitted, flushing.  

“That’s all right, babe.” Poe kissed his neck. “My fault. I probably could have thought ahead a bit, but, well. Sheets are easy enough to change.”  

“True. I can’t really regret the mess anyways. Not when it was one of the best orgasms of my life.” Finn arched against Poe again in happiness. “I can’t believe I lasted all that time.”  

“Me neither, honestly. I thought maybe you’d come, we’d cuddle, get you hard again, pick up where we left off. But you did it, baby. You’re so good.”  

“Mmm, that sounds nice, too. What could have been. Ah well,” Finn said with a yawn. “I mean, we got all the parts, just not in that order, so no complaints.”  

“Well, good. I mean, we still could. But I have a feeling if you come again you’ll be out like a light, so maybe the sheets need to go first.”  

“You’re not wrong.” Finn groaned, stretching and waiting for Poe to move so he could.  

“I’m always right,” Poe grumbled. “Even when it means having to move my ass.” He slid off the bed with a reluctant sigh and reached a hand to Finn. “Sure you can stand up straight?”  

“Fuck, let’s see.” Finn let Poe pull him up, then ending up leaning into him for a few second. “Mmm. This is nice, too.” He found his grounding again and leaned back, onto his own weight, standing. Could he run a marathon right now? No. Could he lean against the wall and watch Poe strip the bed? Yes, especially since it meant watching that perfect ass lean over and bunch up and —“Mmmm,” Finn hummed again.  

“Enjoying the view, huh?” Poe wiggled a bit and yanked the last corner of the sheets off the bed. “Here, hold this.” He dumped the entire pile onto Finn just to hear him squawk.  

With a minimal amount of effort, Finn tossed the wet sheets into Poe’s laundry pile, making a mental note to help him with laundry tomorrow.  “Real mature, buddy.”  

“Ohh, that’s me. A fine sparkling example of adulthood.” Poe tucked the new sheets in and smirked at Finn. “Anyway, we all know you’re the reasonable captain of this ship.”  

Finn snorted. “Fair.” Still, he walked around to his side of the bed, pausing to tap Poe’s ass lightly as he went by.  

“Hey.” Poe stuck out his tongue at Finn. “Oh, while we’re trying to be reasonable adults, this is probably a good time to get ready for bed. So we don’t have to move later.”   

“Good plan. I'm going to go clean up a bit.” Finn kissed Poe on the cheek and headed to the bathroom.  

Poe let himself flop back on the bed for a moment—just a moment!—and marvel at his life. How the hell had he acquired a boyfriend who thought he was sexy, thought he was a good lay, was supportive and sweet as hell, and was the sexiest man he’d ever met? One of these days he was going to wake up and find himself in his real life. Until then, he planned to enjoy the quiet sounds of Finn puttering around in his bathroom.  

Finn rinsed himself off quickly, and splashed water over his face, not quite meeting his own eyes in the mirror. He padded back to the bedroom, smiling at Poe as he leaned against the door jamb. “I’d say you look like the cat that ate the canary, but we both know you ate something else.”  

“Enjoyed every minute of it, too.” Poe rolled off the bed and staggered upright. “Jesus. Okay, my turn.” He patted Finn’s ass on his way to the bathroom, just for payback.  

Finn went through his back stretching routine, noting little aches and pangs that made him grin with happiness.  

Poe emerged from the bathroom, freshly scrubbed, just in time to see Finn do a deep toe-touching bend. “Hnngh,” he said. “Oh, right. Stretches. See, this is why you’re the responsible one.”  

“Yes, I need you to keep that knee limber. For important, very adult and responsible reasons.”  

“Oh, is that how it is? I see what you think of me.” Knee exercises were not nearly as sexy as back exercises—but then,  _ everything _ Finn did was sexy, as far as Poe was concerned. Poe attempted to give a show, but it was definitely more of a circus than a ballet.  

Finn watched from the bed, and by the end, was shaking in laughter, holding his stomach. “I adore you. I love you so much.” 

“Yeah?” Poe stepped up to the bed and tried to stop laughing long enough to kiss Finn properly. It didn’t work very well, and their noses kept bumping together, but it felt pretty damn good anyway. “Well,” Poe said at last, resting his forehead against Finn’s. “That’s good. Because I love you too.”  

Finn cupped Poe's cheek. “Thank god.” He looked slyly up at Poe. “You know, I seem to be getting a second wind…”  

“God, I’m jealous,” Poe said before he could slap a filter over his mouth. “Um. Uh. Never mind. So. What do you propose we do about that?”  

“I don't know. Are you tired?”  

“Um.” Poe thought for a moment. “Kinda? But that seems kinda irrelevant in the face of, you know.” He waved a hand down Finn’s body. “All of this.”  

“Well, we could save it for morning, too. Just not, um, play? Is that the right word? I don't think I can face your dad on the same day you've ordered me not to come.” Finn blushed.  

“That’s fair,” Poe laughed. He crawled over Finn and sprawled out on the bed, ass-up, arm across Finn’s chest. “Hmm. You know, my plan was to wear you out with so many orgasms that you’d fall right to sleep. So let’s do that.” He cracked one eye open and peeked at Finn. “Any good ideas, oh master strategist?”  

“Um.” Finn kept blushing. “You, um. Talked about wanting to watch me finger myself or, um. Get off. You could, uh. Order me through it.” Finn buried his face in Poe's shoulder.  

“Hmm.” Poe rolled up onto his side and folded Finn into his arms. “I’m…not sure I want to give any more orders tonight? But maybe, um. You could—” Words failed him. “I’d like to watch,” he murmured at last. “As long as I can still hold you?”  

“Can we put it on the list for some other time?” Finn smiled up at Poe.  

“Definitely yes please. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Yup.”  

“Yay,” Finn said breathlessly. “Will you kiss me?”  

“Mmm, I don’t know.” Poe cocked an eyebrow at Finn. “My agent’s got very strict rules about that sort of thing. I don’t remember if it’s in the contract or not.”  

“You're ridiculous.” Finn pulled Poe to him, melding their lips together.  

“But you like ridiculous?”  

“Love it.”  

“Good.” Poe kissed Finn back for all he was worth. He hiked his leg over Finn’s hip to bring their bodies together, aligned face to face on the bed.  

Finn let his hand creep down, rubbing over his stomach, before traveling up to tweak at his nipple. He felt it bead under his fingers, and moaned into Poe's mouth.  

“There, baby.” Poe rested his forehead against Finn’s. “Is this what you do, when you’re at home? What do you think about?”  

“You, I think about you.” Finn continued to rub over his nipple, feeling his cock start to fill below. “Always you.”  

“Mmm?” Poe stroked down to Finn’s ass and rubbed small circles into his skin. “What am I doing, when you think about me?”  

“What aren’t you?” Finn replied with a blush. “Ah, god, Poe, I’m pretty sure I’ve had every fantasy about you. They’ve gotten a whole lot more vivid recently, though.” He buried his face in Poe’s neck, sucking there, just a little, not really wanting to mark him.  

“Uh-oh.” Poe ground his hips against Finn’s a little, feeling the growing pressure of Finn’s cock against his stomach.  

“I had a lot of fantasies before we kissed, don’t get me wrong.” Finn swept a hand down his stomach and circled his cock, squeezing. It was a little sensitive, his thumb along the slit, but he moaned into Poe’s neck and slid the precum over the head.  

“Still can’t believe you were getting off to—to  _ me.”  _

“Ah, god, honey. You really have no idea how hot you are. Pretty sure Rosaria has a massive crush on you. So fucking glad you bat for the other team, because she’s pretty cute and single herself.” Finn stroked himself, humming. “But you’re all mine, and not a fantasy anymore. Like I said, I really fucking like our reality.”  

“Mmm? Me too, baby.” Poe’s breath caught as Finn’s cock brushed against his. He could probably get hard again, if he tried, although at this rate he was tired enough to fall asleep before he even finished. “Thought you said you had a lot of fantasies now, though…”  

“Yeah, I do,” Finn said with a breathless chuckle. “It’s just different now that I  _ know _ . Know they might become reality someday. Sometimes I try and make myself not come, thinking about you, but it’s a battle I always lose. I hope you don’t mind that I, um—masturbate, still.”  

“No, of course I don’t mind, baby. You do what you like.” Poe kissed Finn’s forehead. “What, um. Will I regret asking this? What are your fantasies?”  

Finn blushed, his heart and his hand speeding  up in tandem at the thought of some of his darker fantasies, the ones he wasn’t sure he should share with anyone. “I’ve told you some,” he murmured, then moaned into Poe’s neck. “I basically can’t see a thing without imagining you bending me over it. Some are more innocent, though. Like you sitting on me, weighing me down, straddling me, and making out forever. Until we get tired of it. I just—I’m glad you’re not psychic, sometimes. Because I probably think about sex way too much.”  

“I don’t know, man, that must make life much more entertaining.” Poe giggled a bit at the thought. “Really, though?  _ Everything?  _ I mean, it can’t be that comfortable to be bent over like that.”  

“I have a pretty good imagination. Plus fantasy you and me have no injuries, so, you know, that makes things easier. Hmmm, Poeeee.” Finn circled his fingers around the base of his cock. “I’ve fantasized about this, too. Masturbating for you. Coming for you. Was gonna finger myself but I’m not sure I’ll—I’ll need it.”  

“Next time, then.” Poe wrapped his hand over Finn’s. “Or maybe I’ll help next time. I don’t think I could keep my hands off you. God, you’re beautiful like this, baby. So fucking beautiful.”  

Finn flushed from head to toe at Poe’s praise. “Ah, god, that’s what fantasy you says, too. Right before I—" Finn rolled, grabbing the towel he’d brought from the bathroom earlier, just in case. He eased his hand back over his stiff cock, humming at the feeling. “Can you do it again? Please?” he begged Poe.  

Poe tipped his head back and laughed. “The magic words, huh? Hmm. Does that mean if I  _ don’t  _ say them, you don’t get to come yet?”  

“You fiend,” Finn muttered, but smiled, happy to see Poe so happy.   

“Always. Sex fiend, remember? You called it.” Poe hugged Finn closer. “Beautiful,” he whispered in Finn’s ear. “So beautiful, my love.”  

_ Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. _ Finn let it echo through his head as he sped up his hand.  

“Come for me, love,” Poe murmured. “I’ve got you.”  

Finn groaned, and bowed his body into Poe’s, pressing his forehead into Poe’s shoulder, panting. The orgasm swept through his lower back, less intense than the one he’d had before, when Poe had been inside him, but still breathtaking nonetheless. “Love you. Love you so much.”  

“Love you too.” Poe stroked Finn’s back.  

Finn breathed against Poe’s body, feeling his heart slow, feeling a lovely sense of tiredness calling him. “You were right, again. I think I’ve got just about enough energy to roll to my side of the bed.”  

“Mmm? Well. Good thing you’re already on your side of the bed.” Poe kissed Finn’s forehead, then took the towel from him and chucked it into the laundry pile. “Have I worn you out enough? You going to sleep tonight?”  

Finn rolled onto his back, smiling up at the ceiling, then looking over at Poe. “I’m going to sleep so fucking good tonight.”  

“Damn right.” Poe grinned at him, then reluctantly slid over to his own side. “Book’s still there if you need it. And, you know, you can always poke me. But if that wasn’t enough to fuck you into oblivion, I don’t know what I’ll do next time.”  

Finn reached out for Poe’s hand. “Thank you, baby. I haven’t even had a chance to work myself up over lunch tomorrow, because of what you’ve done for me.”  

_ “Now  _ you see you my tricky plan.” Poe took Finn’s hand gladly, not ready to let go for the night. “Any time, baby. It was a pleasure.”  

“And you say  _ I’m _ the strategist. That was clever.” Finn squeezed Poe’s hand, fighting not to let his eyes droop closed, wanting one last look at Poe.  

“Didn’t get those stripes just ‘cause I look good in uniform.” Poe kissed Finn’s knuckles, then forced himself to let go. “Good night, love.”  

“G’night,” Finn murmured, or at least, he was pretty sure he murmured, tucking his hand, the one warm from Poe, under his cheek and letting the quiet sounds of Poe and the room guide him to sleep.  

Poe curled up on the edge of the bed, turned his bedside lamp off, and watched Finn sleep, haloed in the dim glow of the nightlight.  _ Please, God. Let tomorrow go okay. Let Finn be okay.  _

When Poe finally closed his eyes, Finn smirked at him, bent over the kitchen counters, and raised an eyebrow in invitation. Poe ran a hand over the broad muscles of his shoulders, then curled up with him on their bed in a nest of pillows, cock buried deep in Finn’s ass. He cradled Finn to his chest and let his love’s quiet moans lull him to sleep.  


	31. The morning before visiting Kes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As our boys prepare to visit Kes for Sunday lunch, they are nervous and adorable and sweet and oh man they're just so good for each other.
> 
> No specific content warnings. Some anxiety, a nightmare, etc.

Poe lurched out of bed straight into the bureau, bashed his arm, and stumbled back, dizzy and confused.  _ What—where—  _ He stared around the room, trying to get his bearings.   __

Finn woke suddenly, adrenaline pumping, that way one wakes up when they’re not really sure what woke them up, but the terrible feeling something was  _ wrong. _ He moaned, brain fuzzy, turning to Poe’s side of the bed, which was…was  _ empty. _ Weird. Finn blinked into the darkness, his eyes landing on Poe’s naked body, standing on the either side of the room.  _ Sleepwalking? Where does that fall under the ‘don’t wake the dreamer’ rule? Or maybe he’s caught in a dream.  _ “Baby?” he tested out, his voice rough with sleep.  

Poe flinched back against the bureau again. “Mmm? Shit.” He squinted at Finn in the nightlight, eyes slowly adjusting to the streaks of light creeping in around the curtains. “Did—did I—what did I do?” His voice cracked.   

Finn sat up, more alarmed, looking at the blood on Poe’s arm. “Baby, are you hurt?” He touched his own arm where Poe’s was bleeding, then got up and crossed the room. “Can I check it?”  

Poe shrank in on himself as Finn approached. “What did I do? Are you—”  

“I’m okay, Poe. I’m safe. You’re safe. I think you’re hurt, though.” Finn wrung his hands, feeling useless.  

“Oh?” Poe blinked at his arm. “Um.” He looked back at Finn, checking for marks. “I didn’t do anything? You’re—you’re sure?”   

“Positive. The worst you did was wake me up when you—when you hurt yourself, baby. I’m fine.”  

“Oh.” Poe looked at his feet and took a deep breath, slowly coming back to himself. “Ok. That’s—that’s good. That’s good.”   

“Yeah, baby, that’s really good.” Finn smiled at him, a little tired still, now that the rush of adrenaline was fading. “How are you? Are you okay?”  

“Maybe?” Poe shook his head. “Shit, I’m sorry I woke you up.”  _ 7:34,  _ blinked the numbers on his clock. “You can go back to sleep, I hope? I was hoping you’d sleep in, get some rest.”  

“I wouldn’t say no, but I’d rest better knowing your arm is okay, honey.”  

“What? Oh. It’s fine, it’s just a scratch.” Poe touched Finn’s cheek, then looked down again, heart still pounding. “If you want to look at it, that’s fine, I just—I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.”   

Finn just tsked and gently took Poe’s arm in his hands, checking the scratch. It was already scabbing over, nothing worse than Poe could have gotten in the shop, and hell, the bedroom was a lot cleaner. Still, he placed a small kiss, right by the blood. “Think you can lay down and at least relax a little?” Finn asked, surreptitiously feeling Poe’s jumpy pulse beneath his fingers.  

“Maybe?” Finn’s hands felt so good on his skin. “‘M sorry I woke you. This happens. Don’t worry. Forgot the bureau was there now.”  

“I’m sorry you moved it on account of me,” Finn murmured. “If I get in bed, will you come too, and try? We don’t even have to sleep, just relax and rest. Retry our start to the day.”  

“Ok,” Poe mumbled, too tired to argue. “My day usually starts like this, don’t worry, it happens.”  

“Okay, baby,” Finn murmured, kissing Poe’s temple, before crossing over to his side of the bed again, and slipping under the covers. He held his hand out, ready for Poe’s.  

Poe crawled back into bed next to Finn, willing his hands to stop shaking. “You don’t have to get up when I do, you know. This—this is how it is. I’m sorry.”   

“Don’t be sorry, hun. Really. It’s okay. I’m okay with how it is.” Finn left his hand between them, then pulled the covers up to his chin and tried to reclaim that warm fuzzy feeling of sleep he’d slid into the night before, if only so Poe would stop worrying about waking him. He closed his eyes, starting his relaxation routine.  

_ We made it,  _ Poe finally realized.  _ We made it through another night. That makes…three? We could really do this.  _ He watched the slow rise and fall of Finn’s chest and counted along with him. He’d watched Finn do this often enough to know the pattern by now. It soothed something deep inside him to see that Finn was safe, and okay, and falling back to sleep. Finn’s hand was halfway between them—for him, maybe? Poe squeezed it, then let go.   

Finn was doubtful that he’d actually fall back asleep —he didn’t tend to do that, ever. But at Poe’s squeeze of his hand, it was like a final acknowledgement that everything was okay, and he relaxed the rest of the way. He made it through another few breaths before going under again.  

And how incredible was it that they’d fallen asleep together often enough that Poe knew the difference between relaxed-breathing Finn and asleep-Finn? He smiled a little at the sight, then eased out of bed as quietly as he could, pulled on a pair of boxer briefs, and crept out of the bedroom to get started on the dishes from last night.  

_ Finn’s hands scrabbled at the wall, but he couldn’t find a hand hold. The zombies were coming, he could hear their moans, he— _ Finn woke up in a rush. “Fuck,” he muttered, willing his heart rate to slow. He groaned, turning toward Poe, but his side of the bed was long cold, and the clock read 8:32. Not much more, not really, but more than he got sometimes, he figured with a mental shrug. And gee, wonder why he’d have an anxiety dream right before  _ going to visit Poe’s fucking dad. _ He scrubbed a hand over his face and stumbled out of bed and into a series of stretches for his back. He tugged on the pajama pants he’d brought but neglected to wear to bed, and padded down the hall, hopefully loud enough not to startle Poe. He could hear the sound of dishes being clinked together as he got closer to the kitchen.   

Poe jumped a little when Finn appeared around the corner. “Hey, baby. You sleep okay? I mean, other than the obvious. I’m sorry.”  

Finn shrugged. “Bad dream. Not a flashback, so I guess there’s that.” He came up to give Poe a hug from behind, leaning his head on Poe’s shoulder. “Just my subconscious being embarrassingly obvious. But you feel nice and warm. And the kitchen looks amazing.”   

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s temple. “Do you want to talk about it? Are you, um—you’re nervous?”   

Finn took a moment to consider what he was feeling. “I think I am. I think my mind is more nervous than it’s letting me be? I know that doesn’t make sense. Just that, when I’m awake and rational, I’m less nervous, but of course my subconscious had to get the jab in while I was asleep and vulnerable.”  

“You know, if I could just yank your jerkbrain out and sit on it for awhile, let you have a nice day without it, I’d gladly do it.” Poe rinsed out the pair of glasses, then dried his hands and turned around to give Finn a proper hug. “But I’m glad you’re less nervous when you’re awake, at least.”  

Finn sank into the hug happily. “Mmmm. What was it you were saying about  _ me _ giving good hugs. Because, buddy, do I have news for you.”  

“Yeah? Hope it’s good news.”  

“The best news. The best hugs. Mmm,” Finn sighed again, before breaking away, brushing a kiss over Poe’s cheek. “How are you?”  

“I’m all right.” Poe kissed Finn back. “I was thinking, we make a good pair. You said things get harder at night, usually, didn’t you? And I usually have a harder time in the morning. Takes me a while to, I don’t know. Come back to reality.”  

“We sync up pretty well, don’t we?” Finn took Poe’s hand and swung them a little. “I love you. And—and—and we’re going to do this. Meet your dad. And it’s going to be okay, and I’m not going to be the cause of the Great Dameron Rift.” His hands squeezed involuntarily into Poe’s.  

“God, no. Not sure that’s really possible, at this point. We, um. We’ve had most of the major arguments by now, and made it through. And, um. I, uh—I stayed at home for a few months after—after I, um. Came back. So. Uh. He’s seen me at my worst. I’m not sure what you could do to top that.”    

Finn cupped Poe’s cheek. “I’m really glad he was there for you, baby.” His thumb traced the apple of Poe’s cheek. “Is, um, there anything I can help with?”  

“With the kitchen, you mean?” Poe looked around. “Nah, I think it’s done. You ready for breakfast?”  

Finn smiled. “Sure. What do you want to do?”  

Poe shrugged. “Up to you, Chef. It’s a lovely day, I was thinking about going for a run. Maybe now, maybe later.”  

“Would you mind company? Feel free to say no.” Finn walked over to the fridge to scope out the contents. He propped a hand on his hip and considered. “How do you feel about eggs again?”  

“Jesus, you’d blow me out of the water. I mean, I’d love to, but you’ll be running circles around me.”  

Finn shrugged. “That’s fine, and understandable. We could go out on that path they made from the old railroad, though, and we could cool down together.”  

“Now  _ that  _ sounds like a plan.”  

“Fuel up before or after?” Finn said, glancing at the fridge again.  

“Bit now, bit later?” Poe tossed him a banana.  

“Perfect.” Finn wrestled with the peel for about three seconds before turning and taking one of the newly cleaned knives and chopping the top off. “What?” he said around a bite of banana. “Peels are annoying.”  

“You’re supposed to just squish the end, like this.” Poe demonstrated. “And then you can peel it, and hold it by the stem like a little handle-thingy. Haven’t you see any slapstick movies? They don’t wait to carefully slice the end off their banana before they peel it. They just slide it out there for someone to slip and fall on.”   

“But then the end gets squishy.” Finn grinned at Poe, taking another bite.  

“Well, we can’t have any squishy bananas, that’s for sure.” Poe tried to keep a straight face, then lost it. “That was a dick joke. Did you get it? I made a dick joke!” He stuck his tongue out at Finn.  

Finn shook his head for about three seconds, then laughed along with Poe. “Okay, so I need to get my gear from home, can we stop by there on our way to the park? When do we need to leave to get to your dad’s?”  

Poe shrugged. “Around noon. It’s just a twenty-minute drive. And yeah, your place is only a couple of blocks off the way to the trail. That’s fine. Wouldn’t make you run barefoot.” He grinned.  

“Excellent.” Finn finished his banana and did a layup to the trash with the peel, nailing the shot. “Damn, well, today can’t  _ all _ suck if it starts like that.”  

“Not going to suck, buddy. Anyway—” Poe started laughing— “not all sucking is bad, right?”  

“ _ Someone _ woke up with a one-track mind.” Finn sidled up close to Poe, leaning in to whisper, “Is that a request, Dameron?”  

“It’s your own damn fault, you know. I was a perfectly respectable gentleman before you showed up.” Poe poked Finn’s nose. “But, uh. You said you didn’t want to do anything this morning, so it’s not a request, I guess. Just too easy a joke to pass up.”  

“That’s true.” Finn held out his hand and pretended to shake an imaginary figure. “Oh, hi, Mr. Dameron, yeah, I’m great, don’t mind me while I wonder if I got the smell of cum off my breath.”  

“Ok, that’s it, we’re going running. Clearly I didn’t wear you out enough last night, if you’re still nervous now.”  

Finn laughed and swept his lips across Poe’s, his hand resting on Poe’s hip. “You did a great job, baby. I’ve never slept sounder. That’s the thing, though. Now I’m all peppy and awake enough to be nervous.” He slipped away to head to the bathroom.  

_ Maybe I should keep Finn up all night, next time?  _ The resulting images made Poe flush. He headed to the bedroom to do his knee exercises and throw on something to run in.  

“Aww, there goes the view,” Finn mock-pouted when he came into the bedroom to see Poe dressed. He pulled open his drawer and grabbed his clothes —he’d change into running gear at home.  

“What, you’d rather I run around the neighborhood in my boxers?” Poe grinned at Finn.  

“Mmm, you’re right. That’s for  _ my _ benefit only.” Finn slipped his shoes on and grabbed his wallet and keys. “All set?”  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed Finn, then headed for the door. “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I? My ego will never recover.”  

“It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, we don’t have to work, and I have to meet your father in less than three hours. We’re all going to be totally fine.”  

“Completely,” Poe agreed. He shut the door behind them, took Finn’s hand, and hopped down the steps. “Damn, it  _ is  _ nice out. Nearly summer.”  

“Can’t wait to get my summer class schedule. Someone promised me hiking.” Finn winked at Poe.   

“That was  _ before  _ we had sex, buddy. It’s one thing to think about your ass, it’s another entirely to know exactly what it feels like. No way could I manage two hours behind you without jumping you.”  

“Mmm, that does sound uncomfortable. Pine needles are not supposed to end up in certain places, I suspect.”  

“Not to mention I’d rather not have an audience,” Poe sighed. “I hope tree trunks aren’t one of the things you fantasize about being bent over.”  

“No, I'm not really an exhibitionist. For your eyes only, baby.” Finn smiled at Poe.  

“Good.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. “But yeah, we should go hiking one of these days. We can manage to keep our hands to ourselves for a few hours, right?”  

“I mean, theoretically.” 

As they turned onto Finn's street, Mrs. Patterson was out front again, and she smiled and waved happily at them.  

“Garden’s looking good!” Poe called.  

“Damn rabbits have been at it already,” she grumbled, but kept her smile anyway. “Pretty day though, eh?”  

“Very! We’re going to take a run down the old rail trail.”  

“You boys have fun now,” she called, having her gloves together to knock dirt off of them. 

“I don't know why I'm always expecting that to go poorly,” Finn whispered to Poe.  

“What do you mean, poorly?”  

“That, like, she's going to snub us or something.”  

“Why?”  

“Because we're gay. Because I'm from out of town.”  

“Out. Of. Town,” Poe says slowly. “You know, my science teacher called roll on the first day of class, got to Sneha Banerjee, and just…stopped. Said, ‘that’s an out-of-town name, isn’t it?’” He walked on down the block, trying to find the right words. “Fuck ‘em,” he said at last, because eloquence was not and would never be his middle name. “I’m sorry about everyone who’s ever given you shit. Fuck ‘em all. People are—people  _ usually  _ mind their own business around here. If they don’t, tell me, and I’ll go fuck ‘em up. Gently.”   

“My knight in shining,” Finn murmured, touched. “Thanks, baby.” He turned them up the walk to his place, smiling at the O’Conners, the older couple that shared his duplex, as he and Poe passed them. Inside his house, he pressed his lips to Poe's briefly. “It's nothing specific, I guess. Just, um. I have a hard time adjusting to the idea I'm here permanently, I guess. Like I'm waiting for it all to just… go FUBAR on me.”  

“Hmm.” Poe leaned back against the wall. “Well, that does sound scary. I mean, the last time things went FUBAR on you, you just about died, and I’d, um. Really rather that didn’t happen again.” He cocked his head. “Why would things get fucked up now, though?”  

Finn took Poe’s hand. “I’ve never had anything good last. And us, this...you’re so good to me, good for me, and I’m terrified of losing it.”  

Poe looked down at their joined hands. “Promise me that if something does happen between us, God forbid. That you’ll take care of yourself. I don’t want your recovery to depend on my stability. That’s—that’s not a great thing. To lean on.”   

Finn chewed on his lip, realizing he was tearing up. He nodded, though. “I said something like that to Rey the other day. I don’t—I don’t want you to—to—to stay because you think I’ll—" He cut himself off, wiping furiously at his eyes. “That doesn’t mean it wouldn’t break my heart.”  

“Sweetheart.” Poe folded Finn into his arms. “Nothing to worry about now, all right? We’re—we're making it work. Three nights, no problems. I mean, big problems, at least.”  

“Yeah.” Finn took a big breath in and out. “We’re making it work. We work. Sorry to get shaky on you.”  

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m sorry you’re scared.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “Hell, I flip out on you all the time. You're allowed to do the same.”  

Finn flapped a hand at his face. “It's just nerves. The run will help.” Still, he leaned onto Poe's embrace a little longer.  

“Well.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “Then let’s get running, baby.”  

Finn smiled at Poe, the left his embrace. “Okay, I'll be right back.” He went to his bedroom, pulled on his running clothes—he preferred to run in running tights and a performance tee —and sat on the bed to lace his shoes up. He grabbed his headphones and emerged again, holding out his hand for Poe.  

“Mmmph.” Poe blinked at Finn, eyes caught on the tightly clad curves of his thighs. “Shirt and shorts aren’t good enough for you, huh? You’ve got to wear those—those— _ things  _ and show the rest of us up like—like the god of running, or something. Jesus. How the hell am I supposed to run next to you now?”  

“I, um, don't like the friction? I can go run someplace else. I kind of invited myself along, maybe I shouldn't have done that.”  

“No no no, it’s good, it’s great, I just—oh fuck. My dick can  _ mind its own business,”  _ he said, glancing down. “You look beautiful, baby.”  

Finn blushed. “Thanks,” he murmured, holding out his hand. “Shall we?”  

“We shall.” Poe took Finn’s hand.  

Poe's hand was warm in Finn’s, and the sun was beating pleasantly down on them, not quite at the level of summer, yet. “Oh! I forgot. I picked these up at the farmer's market yesterday, was hoping you could help me pick out a spot for them.” He held up one of the tomato plants that was still sitting on his porch for Poe to see.  

“Oooh, lovely! From Señora Hernandez’s booth? They must be heirloom, then.”  

“Yeah, she recommended this, um, species? Type? Whatever.” Finn set the plant back down, and rushed back inside again to get some water. “Why the hell I think I can do this is beyond me,” he muttered.  

“I heard that.” Poe touched the tomato plant, then sniffed his hand to enjoy the best smell of summer. “Is there any fertilizer in that water?”  

“Um, no. Did I just ruin it?”  

“No, buddy. That’s exactly what I mean! You’re doing just fine. I told you the story about little Poe trying to grow huge tomatoes, right? All they need is a little light and water and love.”  

Finn smiled at Poe, and took his hand again. “Well, that's good, because I've got a ton of love.”  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed his cheek. “And you put it on your porch to get some sunshine, and you just watered it. You’re being a great plant dad.”  

Finn flushed with happiness. “Thanks,” he said with a smile as they walked past the O’Conners again, and back on their way to the park.  

When they reached the trailhead, Poe ducked beneath the welcome shade of a small grove of trees and checked his watch. “Too bad it’s not a loop, so you can’t just run actual circles around me. Want to just meet back here in an hour?”  

Finn pulled out his phone and earphones, then circled one arm around Poe's waist. “One hour, sounds good. I love you, stay safe.”  

“Love you too.” Poe kissed him. “Try not to break the sound barrier, all right?”  

Finn smiled as he plugged his headphones in and started up his workout playlist. He blew Poe a kiss as he started to run away from him. 

Finn hadn't liked running before. He'd been into ball in high school, not track —somehow Finn had always excelled at team sports, but not individual ones, probably something to do with his low self esteem. He'd have to ask his therapist. 

But he started running as part of his recovery. Well, he'd started with walking, obviously. When all your body could manage was a few shaky steps, being able to run felt like—like flying. He loved the feel of his body working together to accomplish the goal, when he remembered all too clearly what it had been like to not be able to walk at all. 

He thought of Poe, of his shattered knee, wondered if he'd gone through the same thing. The thought of Poe's injury burned in his gut, and he pushed himself faster, trying to sweat out the anger he could aim at no one. If Poe had his punching bag, Finn supposed, he had this.  

Poe definitely checked out Finn’s ass as Finn soared down the trail. No point in pretending otherwise. But hey, he’d always thought the peaceful green canopy here was one of the most beautiful places on earth. Now it was even more beautiful. 

He started off as slowly as he possibly could in order to warm up the muscles around his knee before settling into an actual run. He’d learned that one the hard way, multiple times. But slowly running was still running, and he gradually settled into a comfortable pace.  _ So far so good. Only…what, five more hours? And then we’ll have gotten through lunch with no horrible mishaps, everyone will be okay, mission accomplished.  _

The half-hour was up before Finn knew it, and he turned, catching up with Poe on his way back and matching his stride. “Hey gorgeous, is heaven missing an angel?”  

“Seriously? Pick-up lines?” Poe nudged Finn’s side with a grin. “I guess I should be grateful you think I belong in heaven, and not the old-folks’ home.”  

“I mean, I have to use them on  _ someone _ ,” Finn said with a wink.  

“Oh, I see how it is. So I should be glad you’re not using them on someone else?” Poe noticed with a faint internal sigh that Finn was hobbling himself to keep their paces even.  

“Nah, I just always wanted to use a pickup line, and you're a no-fail target. I hope, anyway.”  

“Oh, I fail all the time. But there’s no way I’d resist you picking me up, ever. God. You’re such a graceful runner. You know that?”  

Finn beamed. “Thanks! I'm way more graceful than I used to be, anyway.”  

“Yeah? What’d you do, take ballet?”  

“Ha, no. Although I wouldn't have put it past my physical therapist.”  

“Yeah? Hmm. You know, I'd have made you do ballet just for the view.” Poe smirked at Finn.  

“I'd imagine the routine would include a lot of back bends and stuff, too.” Finn grinned back.  

“Ohhh yes. So many. And those things where they kick their leg up in the air, you know?” Poe flapped his hand to illustrate. “You'd look so fucking good. Oh god, I sound like Jess, don't I. I've never—never been like this before. I don't know what happened. I mean, I appreciate a good-looking guy, for sure, but this—wanting to see you, and— _ wanting  _ you, checking you out, I—does it bother you?” Poe fixed his eyes on the path, afraid to meet Finn's.  

“It's, um, I think it's helping me appreciate myself more? I mean. Instead of thinking, ‘I look like my dad,’ it's ‘my boyfriend likes how I look.’”   

“Your boyfriend _adores_ how you look.” Poe stopped and cupped Finn's face in his hands. “You have a great body, sure, it's so fucking hot. Melts my brain. The best part, though?” Poe brushed his thumb over Finn's cheek. “You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I don't know what your father looked like, but I know he didn't smile like you do. That's all you, buddy. And it's glorious.”  

Finn felt his cheeks tip up involuntarily under Poe’s thumbs, his smile spreading wide across his face. “Baby,” he murmured. “Thank you.”  

“Of course.” Poe kissed Finn, sweet and slow. “But, um. If you don’t like how I talk about you, tell me, please? I—I don’t—this is really new for me, and I feel like I don’t really know where the lines are. Where  _ your  _ lines are.”     

“I really don't mind when you…you… _ admire _ me. Really. Do you mind when I do it?”  

“Not in the slightest.” Poe started running again, switching to a slower cooldown pace. “I mean, it—it kinda weirds me out sometimes? Like, when you talk about how you—you know damn well what I mean,” he muttered, glancing behind them to see if anyone else was on the path. “It’s weird, but it’s—I think it’s a good weird.”   

“Okay, well, same goes. If I'm making you uncomfortable , just let me know.” Finn nodded at a couple with an energetic golden retriever trotting beside them, waited until they passed. “I know I can be frank about—yeah.”  

“Yeah,” Poe snorted. “Yeah, indeed.” He smirked a little. “It’s okay, though. Just tells me what I should put on the list next.”  

“Mmm, I do like our list.” They reached the end of the path, and Finn slowed to a walk, holding out his hand again.  

Poe took Finn’s hand and brushed up against him, shoulder to shoulder. “If I could write poetry,” he said, “I’d write it about your smile.”  

Finn smiled again, beamed really. “That's beautiful. I think mine would be about your ass.” He laughed, then quieted. “No, actually, mine would be about the way your eyes crinkle at the side when you smile. About when you have just a little bit of stubble on your face, so you look like some Renaissance muse cum bike gang leader.”  

“Renaissance muse cum bike gang leader!” Poe cackled. “Oh my god. You’re incredible. Also, I  _ really  _ want to make a dirty joke right there but I’ll hold back. Um.”  

Finn swung their hands, happy. “See, there they are. Love those eye crinkles.” He leaned over to kiss one.  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at Finn, then kissed him back. “Those are usually just called crow’s feet, you know.”  

“I like eye crinkles better.” Finn smiled. “I like the idea that they're there because you've smiled a lot in your life. Because you deserve to smile, baby.”  

Poe stared at the houses they passed, bikes and toys and beat-up folding chairs scattered on the lawns. “I,” he said at last, throat tight. “You—”  

Finn squeezed Poe's hand. He was starting to be able to recognize when he'd upset Poe in an okay way. Still, he kept a careful eye on the set of Poe's shoulders.  

_ “Thank  _ you,” Poe managed at last. “God, you’re—” He shook his head and pressed closer to Finn’s side. “Thank you.”  

Finn let him snuggle in, snuggled back. He greeted a family walking toward the park. Imagined he and Poe taking a dog for a Sunday morning walk, or a little kid’s hand tucked in Poe's as they strolled. “Love you,” he murmured.  

“Love you too.” Poe shook his head. “Glad you haven’t written me any poetry. I think it would knock me right over.”  

“I think I speak better through food than I do with writing.” Finn brought Poe's hand up for a kiss as they turned into his street. “I definitely want to shower before I meet your dad. Do you want to wait for me, or go home, and I can meet you back there?”  

“You’re welcome to shower at my house, if you want. Aren’t your clothes there?”  

“I was thinking I should grab something, um, nicer. I brought jeans and a button down but I'm not sure if…” Finn chewed his lip.  

“That’ll be perfect, sweetheart. I mean, you can get something nicer if you like, but it’s just the three of us. Trust me, my dad doesn’t care about fashion any more than I do.”  

Finn hemmed and hawed until they were at the turn to his duplex. “Just let me run in and get the shoes I changed out of.”  

“All right, buddy.” Poe squeezed his hand.  

Finn brushed a kiss across his cheek and hurried inside, rushing back out again with the shoes. He knew this behavior was rooted in his anxiety but he couldn't really get the nervous energy to abate.  

“You're doing all right, buddy,” Poe said softly. “We’ve got plenty of time. Hang on a sec, check this out.” He nodded to the tomato plants. “Touch the plants, then smell your hand.”  

Finn gave Poe a small, skeptical smile, but did as he asked. Tenderly, he rubbed one of the leaves, then raised his fingers to smell them. “Hey,” he said with a laugh. ”Smells like tomatoes. I don't know what I was expecting.”  

“No shit.” Poe grinned at him. “That’s the best thing about planting tomatoes, as far as I’m concerned. Those are your roots, right there. Smells like summer, huh?”  

Finn pulled Poe to him. “Just like summer,” he murmured into Poe's hair.  

“You smell better, though.” Poe took Finn’s hand again and started off towards his house.  

Finn laughed. “Yeah, I'm sure I smell amazing after a run.”  

Poe shrugged. “You smell like you. It’s a good smell. Trust me.”  

“Alright, I will.” Finn grinned, and let the silence fall between them comfortably as they walked.  

“Gotta go find you some herbs, too,” Poe mused. “Maybe next weekend? Go to the nursery, then have a planting party.”  

“That would be great,” Finn said with a smile. “And then a cooking party sometime later when my herbs are all grown.”  

“Mmm, now  _ there’s  _ a plan. I like the way you think.”  

“What's your favorite food? You know, just in case you boyfriend ever wanted to surprise you at lunch.” Finn winked.  

“All of ‘em? I don’t know, I’m not very picky.” Poe grinned at Finn.  

“Hmmm, I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder.”  

“Oh, I'm very easy.” Poe waggled his eyebrows. “Surprise me, buddy. I think I'd love anything you make.”  

Finn snorted and hip checked Poe lightly. “Well I just will, then.” He paused about two seconds. “But seriously? No preferences? Jeez.”  

“Buddy, you've seen my kitchen. I give approximately half a shit about what I eat. As long as I'm not hungry, I'm good.”  

Finn just shook his head and smiled. “Well, I mean, at least I know I’ll always have  _ someone _ who likes my food.” He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “Oh my god, Poe. Are we supposed to bring something to your dad’s? I should bring something.  _ Something. _ Fuck, even flowers.”  

“You're okay, sweetheart. He just wants to meet you. That's all. You don't have to—perform, or anything.”  

Finn reluctantly began walking again, chewing at his lip. “‘Kay,” he replied.   

“Look, I know it’s not going to make a difference to your jerkbrain. I get that. I just…I don’t know. I thought it should be said.”    

Finn’s reluctant frown turned into a smile. “Yeah. I, um—thank you for saying it, even if I don’t listen. I’m sorry about that.” He pulled Poe closer, slipped an arm around his waist, kissed his cheek. “Some part of me is listening, I promise.”  

“It’s okay, buddy. You’re all right.” Poe kissed Finn back. “Look, I don’t mind talking to a brick wall. Fuck, I talk to cars all the time when they’re being assholes. You’re listening when you can. That’s what counts.”  

“You’re so good to me,” Finn murmured. “Thank you.”   

_ “You're _ the one braving fire to meet my dad, sweetheart. You didn't have to do that. Not now, at least. It—it means a lot to me.” Poe ran up his front steps and held the door open for Finn. “You know you don't have to, right? If it's too much.”  

“If I don’t do it I’m just going to worry about it more and more until I can’t even function,” Finn admitted. “Ripping the bandaid off is better.”  

“That doesn't sound very fun.” Poe kicked off his sneakers and turned back to study Finn's face. “You just—keep me posted, all right? If you need to step out for a moment, or something. We can take this slow.”  

Finn nodded. “How much time do we have? I mean, um. If we have time before we have to go to your dad’s, I wouldn’t mind, maybe, cuddling up on the couch together and watching the rest of Tangled or something else mindless.”  

Poe checked his watch. “We actually have to leave in about half an hour. I'm sorry. I mean, we can definitely cuddle, but uh-you said you wanted to take a shower?”  

“Aww.” Finn pouted for about one second before leaning in to kiss Poe. “Raincheck, then.” He kicked off his running shoes and pulled off his performance tee. “Need to use the bathroom first?” 

“Nah, go for it.”  

Finn blew a kiss over his shoulder as he walked down the hallway. In the shower, though, he ran through his relaxation routine a few times before finally washing everything and getting out. He realized he’d taken too long, and rushed through drying as he raced down the hallway to the bedroom to change.  

Poe looked up, startled. “Buddy! Whoa. You all right?”  

Finn rubbed at his hair with the towel, then threw it over the bureau and pulled open his drawer. “I’m going to make us late.” He began to pull clothes out, hoping they weren’t wrinkled.  

“Finn.” Poe took Finn's shoulders. “You're okay, _ ” _ he said softly. “We're going to be all right.”  

Finn paused, letting his hands rest on the bureau, and let himself count a few breaths slowly in and out again. “I’m sorry. I mean I know I was low-key —medium-key? —nervous the last couple of days, but, oh God. My brain has jumped into overdrive thinking of everything I’m going to do wrong.”  

“I'm sorry, buddy.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn's waist and pulled him in close. “Would it help if I text my dad, tell him we're going to be late? And then we can cuddle, watch Tangled, all that.”  

Finn shook his head swiftly. “No, God, that would be a horrible first impression.”  

“Sweetheart.” Poe stroked Finn's back. “The first impression you made on him? Being brave enough to ask me out, after months of me pining not nearly as subtly as I'd hoped. The second? Being a total sweetheart, and caring about me, and being patient with me, and—and loving me. And now? Being brave enough to come visit. The only thing you could do wrong at this point is, fuck, I don't even know. Punch him in the face? That wouldn't be great. Although who knows, he might even find it funny.”  

Finn half-chuckled, half-moaned. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.” He took a deep breath. “I want to do this. I  _ do. _ So, so, shut up, brain. I’m—I’m good for Poe and Mr. Dameron is going to see that.”  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed Finn's cheek. “You keep reminding yourself of that, buddy, and you’ll be just fine.”  

In lieu of another breathing exercise, Finn pulled Poe close to him —no matter about being naked. “Thank you.”   

“Of course, sweetheart.”  

Finn took a deep breath of Poe’s scent, and stepped back, visibly steadier. He nodded to himself, and put on his clothes. When he’d buttoned up the shirt, he turned to Poe. “What do you think?”  

“I think I’d like to take that shirt right off. What happened to the view?” Poe grinned at him. “You look smashing, buddy. Very sharp. You’re going to show me up, in fact. But, uh. I, uh. I’m going to go shower now.”  

“Okay, baby,” Finn murmured, reaching out to squeeze Poe’s hand. “You got this. I love you. I’m going to—to try and sit out in the garden and see if I can relax any more.”   

“Thanks.” Poe smiled a little. “I hope that helps. You’re, uh—can you, um—can you try to stay quiet again? Please?”    

“Yeah, of course.” Finn brushed a kiss over Poe’s cheek and headed outside.  

“Thank you.” Poe took a deep breath and went to do battle with the shower. As anxious as he was over the upcoming lunch—and with deflecting Finn’s anxiety—he would probably have chickened out in other circumstances. But he could do this. If Finn was brave enough to go meet his dad, Poe could be brave enough to take a fucking shower. Right? Of course right.

He showered quickly, perfunctorily. Good enough, that’s all he needed. He shaved quickly, yanked on clothes—reconsidered and changed his shirt for a slightly nicer button-down—and went out back to find Finn.  

Finn was letting the buzzing of the bees and the sweet smell of the plants try to relax him. Still, when he heard the squeak of Poe’s side door, his heart rate bumped up a bit, and Finn smiled, actually, not even sure if the heart rate was because he was about to see Poe or Poe’s arrival meant they were headed out. He took his feet from the sun-warm grass and slipped them back into his shoes. “Hey.”  

“Hey yourself. That help at all? We can stay here longer, if you want.”  

“I pretty much have to keep telling myself I'm okay, but I don't think that'll change until we go.” Finn stood and held out his hand for Poe. “All ready?”  

“Ready.” Poe kissed Finn's knuckles and headed for the garage. “And hey, my services as a broken record are always on offer. ‘You're okay,’ ‘you've got this,’ whatever floats your boat.”  

“And don't forget my personal favorite: I love you,” Finn said as he slipped in the passenger seat.  

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten.” Poe smiled at Finn, then pulled out of his drive. “I’d never forget  _ that.”  _


	32. Visiting with Kes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys visit with Kes. Anxiety happens, but also lots of fluff and happiness and comedy.

Finn fiddled with his hands, watching the town slide away to country. “Do you ever think about moving back out here? Or do you like living in town?”  

“I mean, it hardly counts as ‘town.’ Small enough to know just about everyone, big enough to support a garage. I’m not really cut out to be a farmer, so this works for me.” Poe glanced at Finn. “You ever think of moving out here?”  

Finn shook his head. “I'd have to get a car, for one.”  

“Yeah, that’s kind of a requirement out here. But hey, you know an awful lot about fixing cars up now. You could buy an old clunker and figure out how to make it run again.”  

Finn shrugged. “Maybe someday. I know you guys shit on it, but the bus system isn't that bad. Gets me to school and back. I can walk a lot of places, too.”

“Hey, if it works, that's great. And once your actual classes start, you can meet the other students, make some friends. Find someone to carpool with.”  

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Finn smiled over at Poe, watching his face and his steady breathing to keep himself calm.  

Poe looked out over the valley as they rounded the next curve. “What are you going to make with those tomatoes?”  

“Well, if we get basil going too, I think I'm going to do a caprese salad. I really like the mozzarella at the the farmers market.”  

“Mmm, that sounds nice! What else? I didn’t look at the tags—what kind of tomatoes are they?”   

“I honestly don't know. I told Mrs. Hernandez that I wanted the kind that were big and juicy like she sells later in the summer. It's going to be kind of a surprise I think. Oh, one of the plants is cherry tomatoes, too.”  

“Lovely! Cherry tomatoes are the best. I, uh, have been known to go out to pick some and end up just eating them instead of putting them in a basket.”  

“What's your favorite vegetable you've ever grown? Anything really weird?”  

“Hmm. You know, I tried growing brussels sprouts once. They’re funny-looking—the plant starts out looking like broccoli, but then the sprouts themselves kinda grow off the main stalk, like mushrooms growing on a tree. Didn’t work very well—they got some kind of bug and I didn’t catch it in time, so they died before I could really harvest any. But they were fun while they lasted. The Garcia kids couldn’t get enough of it— _oh my god it’s an alien plant!”_  

Finn laughed. “That's awesome. Too bad they didn't turn out.”  

“You win some, you lose some. Japanese beetles—they’re an invasive species, no natural predators here, so they eat everything they can—devoured these cute little white-striped eggplant I tried to grow one year. Oh! But the ugly tomatoes—they're a really cool greenish-red, very weird-looking—turned out _great._ They taste really good.”   

“Yeah, that's what I got. Heirloom. I can't wait.”  

“Nice! See, a man after my own heart. Gets the weirdest vegetables he can buy. I tell you what, forget normal basil. Let’s find you some pineapple basil, or Thai basil, or something.”  

“I love it. We could get different types and then have a taste test.” Finn grinned at him.  

 _“Now_ you’re talking.” Poe grinned right back. “What are you going to surprise me with at lunch?”  

“Uh uh, it wouldn't be a surprise then, baby.” Finn wagged his finger at Poe.  

“Dammit, I'm going to have to distract you more.” Poe slid his eyes over to Finn. “I think you're going to have to tell me next time before you come.”  

“Unfair. With great power comes great responsibility.”  

“True,” Poe sighed. “I’m mostly kidding. But dammit, I’m so bad at waiting for surprises.”  

“Is that why you were annoyed by Jess announcing your birthday to everyone?” Finn smiled. It had been one of the first times he'd hung out with the group socially after starting to work at the garage, and Jess had told Finn all about how he'd just missed Poe's birthday that year.

“Nah, I’ve just never seen the point of celebrating how fucking old I am. At least Snap’s got me well beat in that, I guess.”  

Finn rested his hand on Poe's thigh. “Fair. I don't like celebrating mine either, or, well, I guess I never have really celebrated it.”  

Poe nearly stopped the car in the middle of the road. “N-never? Never _ever?_ I assumed you were cagey about it because Jess can get a little, I don’t know, intense, and you were pretty quiet when you started working at the garage.”  

Finn shrugged. “It wasn't important to—it wasn't important.”  

Poe bit his lip and stared down the road for a few minutes, knuckles white on the steering wheel. _Keep it light, keep it easy, keep distracting him._ “That’s all right, buddy. Maybe we can talk about it later, if you want.”  

Finn shrugged again. “Sure.” He bit his lip, knowing he'd made things weird again. “Um. It's pretty out here. So green.”  

“Yeah.” Poe tried to shake off his anger at all the fuckers who’d ever fucked up— _no, okay, not helpful._ “My favorite time of year, actually. Everything’s bursting up and out and growing like mad. So much green.”  

“It's beautiful. I love spring. Everything feels like a new beginning, yeah? All fresh and new.” Finn squeezed his hand on Poe's thigh and worked up a grin for him.  

“Damn right. Good time to put down a few roots, huh?”  

“Perfect time. I love you.”  

“Love you too, buddy.” Poe patted Finn’s hand. He turned up the last drive towards the farm—a long, winding dirt road lined with trees. “Oh, we’ll have to get you a few pots too, huh? Something to put those tomatoes into?”  

“That'd be great. Or should I plant them out back? The O’Conners are fine with it.” Finn took a calming breath as they slowed on the dirt road. “This is it, huh? Oh, there's the sheep,” he commented, then rolled his eyes at himself for the stupid comment.  

“Yep.” Poe nodded solemnly. “There are the sheep. You want to count them? Maybe when we leave, so you can take a nice afternoon nap.”  

“Weirdly, counting sheep has never worked for me the way counting breaths have. But maybe I've never given it a proper shot.” Finn rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. _I'm good for Poe. This is fine. He'll like me. He won't be like—I won't feel like—I've got this._ Somewhere in the back of his mind, the dark voice snickered, low and evil.  

Poe pulled up in front of the house, clicked off the engine, and turned to Finn. “So, um. How’re you doing, buddy?”  

“Am I that obvious?” Finn looked to Poe, chewing on his lip.  

“Sweetheart.” Poe folded Finn’s hand between his. “It’s been obvious since I first brought this up that as much as you keep saying you want to do it, it also freaks you the hell out. I just—I need you to know that you’re in charge here, all right? We can leave at any time, go home. Or just step out for a moment and take a break. Alone, with me, whatever helps. All right? This isn’t a performance, it’s not a one-shot deal, it’s not going to make or break us. Okay? We can take our time.”  

Finn nodded rapidly. “Okay. Okay, that makes me feel better, you saying that.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled at him in relief. “I'm glad, buddy. I can keep saying it as often as you like, all right? You just—let me know how you’re doing. Okay?”   

“I will. Really. I'll  make sure to try and check in with myself, and you.”   

“That’s great, sweetheart. Thank you.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. “You tell me when you’re ready to go into the house, all right?”  

Finn took another deep breath in and out. He met Poe’s eyes. “Have you told your dad anything about—about my past?”  

“I told him that you had a rough childhood. That you’re really nervous about this lunch. That we met at group.”  

Finn nodded. “Okay. That’s okay.” He hated the idea that anyone would be looking on him with pity. He squeezed Poe’s hand back. “Okay. Let’s try it.”  

“All right, buddy. You got this.” Poe stepped out of the car, then walked around to meet Finn. “Oh, and he’s a vet himself. And my mom. Did I tell you that? They met in the Guatemalan civil war when he came over from Cuba to join the rebels.”  

“Yeah? That sounds like a fascinating story.” Finn swallowed as they walked up the stairs to the porch.  

“Yeah. Little heavy, too. Maybe for another time.” Poe set his hand on the doorknob, then jumped as it turned beneath his hand and opened.

“Mijo! Cómo estás?” Kes grinned at Poe.

“Estoy bien, papá. Y tu? This is Finn. Finn, this my dad, Kes.”  

“Hi. Um. Hola,” Finn tried. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know Spanish.”  

“That’s okay, son.” Kes stretched out a hand. “I just like to check in every once in a while to make sure my son remembers his Spanish.”  

Finn took Kes’s hand, felt the calloused palm in his, gave it a firm shake. “Nice to meet you, sir. Finn Okira.”  

“And you! It’s a pleasure. Heard a lot about you—all good things, I promise. Come on in. You boys ready for lunch?”  

Finn nodded, clutching at Poe’s hand and sticking close to him.  

Poe squeezed Finn’s hand and smiled at his dad. “Starving. We didn’t really get breakfast, and then we went for a run, and my stomach is trying to eat itself.”

“Well, that would be tragic. Get a huge hole through your middle. Fish would go swimming through it.” Kes led them into the kitchen and waved a hand at the small table, laid with bright red cloth placemats. “Take a seat, any seat.” He busied himself at the oven, taking out a few warm pots.  

Despite his anxiety, Finn was charmed by the man, slightly shorter than he and Poe, but with a sturdy body, one used to hard work. His hair was gray streaked with white, and Finn was struck —that if he got the privilege of seeing Poe at Kes’s age, he was going to enjoy the scenery.

He sat at a chair facing Kes, figuring it would be rude to put his back to him. He folded his hands in his lap and looked at Poe, unsure of what he should do next.  

“Did you…you didn’t make this.” Poe cocked an eyebrow at his dad as he unwrapped the dish of platanos.

“I did too!” Kes brought the rice to the table, then went back for the chicken. “I may have had a little help from Leia. But I mostly made it.” He smiled at Finn. “I hear you’re teaching my son to be a far better cook than either of us are.”  

Finn took a large sniff of the uncovered dishes, letting his eyes fall closed. “It smells amazing. This looks amazing, Mr. Dameron.” He spooned some food onto his plate. “Yeah, well. He’s a good student, even without a discerning palate.”  

“I beg your pardon!” Poe smirked at Finn. “I have a _very_ discerning palate, thank you very much.” He set a bowl of roasted vegetables down on the table and kissed Finn’s cheek. “For the important things in life.”

Kes sat across from Finn and glanced between the boys, lips pressed together against a smile. He said a quick grace, then picked up his fork. “Thank you for coming, Finn. Been far too long since I’ve seen Poe smile the way he does when he talks about you. It’s an honor to finally meet you.”  

Finn blushed, and ducked his head. “Thanks for having me, sir. I, um. I’m glad to meet you, too. It’s nice, that you guys have this tradition.”  

“Oh just Kes, please. I haven't been ‘sir’ in years.” Kes smiled at Finn. “We never really planned this, actually. It just sort of…happened, and it worked, so we kept doing it.”  

“It’s nice,” Finn repeated. He took a bite, held back his obscene moan, though he slid a glance at Poe to see if Poe was waiting for it.  

Poe grinned at Finn, then looked back down at his own plate, trying to stay out of trouble.

“So, Finn. I’ve heard you like to cook, right? That’s great! What else do you do for fun?”  

“Oh, um.” _You really need to stop sounding surprised every time he talks to you. That's the whole_ point _of this_. “I like to run. I used to play ball—basketball, I mean. I'd like to find someplace to play again. And, um, I like hanging out with your son,” Finn said with a smile.  

“Well, that’s a surprise.” Kes smiled blandly at Poe.

Poe rolled his eyes.

“Have you tried at the community center?” Kes asked. “There’s usually a pick-up game going there. Sometimes at the gym, too. Although soccer’s a bit more popular around here, I’ve got to say. The students who work on the farm often start a game out in the front yard in the evening, if you ever want to join.”  

“I have to admit, I've never played. I'm sure I'd be tripping all over myself, how fast they move.”  

“You’d be better than me, that’s for sure,” Poe laughed. “I gave up on ball sports years ago.”  

“Well, you're still in pretty good shape, regardless,” Finn said to him, then blushed. “Um. Kes. Why sheep farming?”  

“It’s more of a coordination problem, actually.” Kes grinned at Poe. “I got really good at patching up scraped knees. But, yes. Sheep. Well.” He leaned back in his chair. “When we first came to the states, we lived in Sacramento for a few years, doing odd jobs. But we hated the city—we’re not city people, never have been—so we moved out here as soon as we could afford it. Lived in Scotstown for a bit, saw that this place was being sold—used to be a small family farm, the owners couldn’t take care of it anymore—and offered to take it over. Shara’s family raised sheep back in Guatemala, so she knew how, and I learned from her. We expanded a bit—added a larger kitchen garden, a few more pastures—”

“A compost pile,” Poe added, munching on a plantain slice.

“Idiota,” Kes said fondly. “But yes, compost, a few chickens, and there you go. A pair of crazy sheep farmers, and it somehow worked out.”  

“That's wonderful.” Finn took another bite. “And so is this. Poe mentioned that his abuela was a good cook.”  

“Yes.” Kes stirred his fork in his rice for a moment, eyes distant. “My parents came to live with us after they came to the states. My mother took over the kitchen as soon as she arrived.”  

Finn smiled down at his plate. “I can relate. That's, uh, that's what I did the first time Poe let me in his kitchen. Fried rice.”  

Poe nodded. “Damn good, too.”

“Well, it’s about time this boy started eating better.” Kes’ lips quirked up. “What do you like about cooking, Finn?”  

“Making people happy,” Finn answered before he could think better of it.  

Kes smiled at Finn. “That’s lovely. What do you mean?”  

Finn thought of sitting in Mr. Flores’s kitchen, watching him prep for the dinner rush, always content, always joking with them. “Food brings people together. If you make something good, people feel good. People who feel good—" Finn shrugged, went quiet.  

Kes studied Finn’s face, then smiled gently. “Well, it brought you two together, didn’t it?”

“That’s not the only thing that brought us together.” Poe nudged Finn’s foot beneath the table. “But it sure didn’t hurt.”  

Finn smiled back. “Yeah, I don't think I really won his heart until I cooked him scrambled eggs, though.”  

Kes cocked a brow at Poe. “Do I want to know?”

Poe hid his face behind his napkin. “It wasn’t—it’s not—it was just a nice morning, that’s all.”    

Finn reddened and set his fork down. “No, I didn't mean to imply—imply anything. Oh God, I'm sorry,” he said to Poe, biting down hard on his lip and not meeting Kes’s eyes.  

“It’s okay, buddy. You’re all right.” With heroic bravery, Poe put down his napkin and patted Finn’s hand. “Anyway, I think I realized I was doomed months before that. Sometime in December, maybe? When you were dancing at our tiny little New Year’s party at the garage, and then Jess got a little too drunk and fell against the table, and you got her ice before any of us even realized what had happened, and—and I don’t know, you were just a total sweetheart, still are.”

Kes propped his chin on his hand. “Didn’t tell me any of that.”  

“Yeah, well, I was completely convinced at the time that my feelings weren’t reciprocated, so.”  

“In Poe's defense, he also didn't know I was bi. I, um, I guess I'm more subtle than I thought. And, um. This is the first place I've really been out but I guess I wasn't, um, _out_ out.” Finn forked up some platanos.  

“Don’t worry, kid. You could have worn a rainbow flag into work and this crazy boy wouldn’t have noticed. Or would have convinced himself you’re just a great, what’s the word?”

“Ally,” Poe supplied, then buried his face in his hands. “Yeah, okay, I see how it is. You just wanted to gang up against me with Finn, huh? This is how it’s going to be?”

Kes considered this, then shrugged. “Yeah, I think so.”  

Finn smiled into his napkin, and set a comforting hand on Poe's thigh. “What is it about you that you collect people who poke at you? First Jess, then Snap, then your dad.” He turned away, though he kept his hand on Poe's leg. “He's not oblivious where it counts. We were friends long before...anything else. He was there when I needed—help.”  

Poe shrugged. “I poke back, you know. And no one pokes me in ways I don’t want to be poked.” _Shit shit red alert mayday change the subject—_ “Would have been friends for the rest of our lives if you hadn’t made a move, though. So it’s a good thing one of us isn’t utterly oblivious.”   

Finn found Poe's fingers, tangled their hands together. “Well,” he said to Kes, “if you ever want to have a brag-on-Poe party, I'm game. I'm pretty fuc-freaking gone for your son.”  

Kes’ eyes settled on their joined hands. “Yeah? Well. I’m glad, Finn.” He smiled a little, then cleared his throat. “Are you telling me you don’t poke Poe at all, though? Where’s the fun in that?”  

Finn blushed, and looked down. “I'd, um. I don't. Um.” _No fuck you were doing okay, don't fuck this up._ Desperately, he looked at the table and took a deep breath. “I'm not good at teasing.”  

“That’s all right! That’s all right, son. Forget I said it. I’m sorry.” Kes glanced at Poe, then back at Finn. “How did you, eh, get interested in working on cars?”  

Finn shrugged, trying to get back on track. He smiled a little at the memory. “Um. I mentioned in group that I'd been laid off, and how frustrating it was to start all over again, as a vet, how everyone else my age had experience and education and I had.” He held up the hand that want tangled with Poe's. “This. And the ability to do what I'm told. So, um, your son mentioned he had an opening at the garage. Working for a vet was really appealing. Working for a small business was, too. Poe seemed like he was really understanding in group, so I thought he'd make a good boss. Honestly, I could take or leave the cars. Sorry,” he said, with a small smile at Poe.  

“It’s okay, man. I think at some point you’re going to start up your restaurant and Rey’s going to take your place and Jess, Snap, and I will all be out of a job within a month. Just in time to be your arm candy.”

“Makes sense,” Kes nodded. “I’m glad you’re working on something that you do really care about now. Cooking, I mean.” He leaned forward and whispered, “I don’t care about cars either. Never understood why people go crazy over them.”  

“Right?” Finn gave Kes a small conspiratorial smile. “I can drive but. I’d rather let Poe.”  

“Huh.” Kes looked at Poe. “That’s interesting. I wonder why.”

Poe held up his free hand. “That’s not—I wouldn't—I’ve never ridden with Finn driving! I wouldn’t say a word!”

“What my son’s trying to say is that he’s a _terrible_ backseat—or passenger seat—driver. Won’t shut up. Ever. Incapable of it.”    

“Oh, well, that's perfect, then.”  

“Glad that's settled.” Kes grinned at them.  

Finn sat back, satisfied. “That was really, really good, Kes. Thank you. You'll have to let me bring something next time.”  

“Well, twist my arm,” Kes laughed. “I’d love to try something you’ve made. I hear you’re pretty damn good.”  

Finn smiled and ducked his head again. “Thanks,” he murmured to Poe.  

“Of course, buddy. You know I don’t lie about these things.”

“A useful quality, huh?” Kes winked at Finn.  

Finn grinned. “That it is.” He rubbed over Poe's knuckles as he turned back to Kes. “This one assures me that he doesn't have any favorite foods. What about you? Anything I should put on the list? Anything to avoid?”  

Kes shrugged. “I like pretty much everything. Except chocolate—yes, Poe, I know. He makes that noise every time I say this, like I’ve killed his favorite lamb.”  

“What do you like in a dessert instead?”  

Kes smiled fondly. “Shara used to make an incredible borracho—it’s a kind of cake, I guess, with so much rum sauce it’ll drip all over everything. Only thing she knew how to make, but damn, she made it well. But no, I like everything else you’d put in a dessert. You know, sugar, that sort of thing.”  

Finn grinned at Poe. “Now I know where you get your sweet tooth from.”  

“From both of us,” Kes sighed. “He’s impossible.”

“What can I say?” Poe shrugged. “I have good taste, right? We established that already.”  

“It leaves you open to be discerning in other areas,” Finn murmured with a smile.  

“Exactly! Like the boyfriend department.”

Kes laughed and stood up. “Can I get you two anything more?”  

“I'm fine. Stuffed. Seriously amazing, Kes.”  

“Thanks, dad.” Poe stood to help clear the dishes. “Tell Leia she’s a good cook, all right?”

“I made this!” Kes insisted. “She just had a few tips.”  

Finn stood to help, too, carrying his dish to the counter. “Well, maybe the two of you could give me some tips. Who's Leia?”  

“Sit, sit.” Kes waved a hand at Finn. “We’ll take care of this. She’s an old rebel friend of ours. She finally moved here about ten years ago with her family.”  

“That's good. I mean. I hope.” Feeling awkward, Finn opted for leaning against the counter.  

“Yeah, well. Her village was destroyed in a particularly awful fight, so. Not much left for her back home. But, eh, she likes it here. She runs the vineyard up in the hills, makes a killing off it. Comes here to tell me how to run my own business, like she knows better than I do.”

“She does know better than you do.” Poe wrapped the leftover plantains in plastic wrap and shoved it into the fridge.

“Well, okay, usually, but—”

“And you like her.” Poe cut his eyes at Finn. “I’ve been planning the toast I’ll give at their wedding for months now, and he hasn’t made a single move.”

“As far as you know.” Kes stacked the dishes in the dishwasher.

“Papá—”

“Ok, fine, no moves yet.” Kes glanced at Finn, then away. “But look,” he said in an undertone. “You know damn well why we can’t get married, all right? Don’t worry about us.”  

Finn coughed. “Um, well. She sounds nice. I don't drink much, though. Um. Ever.”  

“That’s fine! I’ll keep that in mind. Neither does Poe, so I guess you guys work well together, huh?”  

“Yeah, we do.” Finn grinned. “Poe thinks so to, I think.”  

“Damn right.” Poe fit the last dish in the fridge, then leaned back against the counter and smiled at Finn.

“Now, I don’t want to keep you boys all day. Finn, I assume you’ve got homework now? Poor man.”  

“I finished it up yesterday, actually.” Because of course it did, Finn’s mind flashed to Poe's suggestion of exactly how he complete his homework next week, and he coughed again. “Um, would it make me a nerd to ask for a tour of the farm?”  

“Total nerd. Hopeless.” Poe beckoned to Finn. “You sure? We can go back if you like, take a break.”  

Finn scooted over, slipping his arm around Poe's waist. “Yeah, I think. I'm doing okay, right? I feel like I'm totally fucking up,” he whispered.  

“I’m going to go show Finn the garden for a moment, all right? We’ll be right back.” Poe took Finn’s hand and led him out the back door to the sunny quiet of the kitchen garden. “You’re doing _wonderfully,_ love.” He cupped Finn’s face in his hands and kissed him. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”  

Finn leaned into Poe's embrace, letting the kiss deepen, if only because the feel of Poe was steady and familiar. He broke it off, resting his forehead on Poe's. “Thanks. I needed...steadying. I needed _you._ ”  

“I’ve got you, love.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “You’re going to be all right. You’re doing so fucking well.”  

“Yeah? You were right, though. He's nice. I just can't seem to stop saying...upsetting things.”  

“What do you mean, upsetting? You’re all right, Finn.”  

“I should, um. I should keep some things to myself. I never meant—I never meant to just...just keep telling people about my past. Burden then with that.”  

“It’s all right,” Poe said softly. “He can take it, okay? Not his first rodeo. If you need to say it, you should say it. I’m glad you feel comfortable talking about it.”  

“Yeah? I'm not—not too—too dramatic?”  

“Buddy, I don’t even know how many times I’ve had a panic attack in front of him, all right? You’re not too dramatic. What I’ve seen, this whole lunch, is you being friendly, and calm, and nice. All right?”  

Finn pulled Poe closer, resting his head on Poe's shoulder. “Thanks, because I don't even really remember half of what I said.”   

“That’s all right, buddy. Nothing life-shaking, I promise. Oh, except for the part where you offered to do my laundry for the rest of my life, that was awfully nice of you.”  

Finn's eyes widened. “Okay I know you're teasing but I forgot that I was going to do your laundry this morning since I, um. Kind of made a mess.” He grinned. “A happy mess, though.”  

“A wonderfully happy mess,” Poe agreed. “Which was entirely my fault for not thinking ahead, and anyway they’re my damn sheets and I’m perfectly capable of throwing them in the wash, so I will. I am definitely kidding, sorry. Thought it might help. Um.”  

“You are the best help I could ever get. I mean, besides my licensed therapist and carefully prescribed medications.” Finn kissed Poe's cheek. “That was pretty romantic, huh? I'll have to remember that did if I ever need wedding vows,” he said with a wink. “Joking, ‘course.”  

“You are ridiculous,” Poe snorted, glad to see Finn cracking jokes. “Call Hallmark, all right? They need a sappy fellow like you.” He kissed Finn back.  

“I can see it now. A special card section for people with PTSD.”   

“Oh, god,” Poe laughed. “You know, it could work, crazy enough. Get rich, retire…”  

“Find myself some arm candy…”  

 _“Now_ you’re talking. I like this plan.”  

Finn took a deep breath of Poe's scent and the green spring air. “Thanks for bringing me out here. I guess I didn't do a great job of checking in on myself.”  

“You’re doing just fine, buddy. Told you, I’m so fucking proud. You’re hanging in there, taking care of yourself, that’s what counts.”  

“I don’t know what I like hearing more, that you love me or that you’re proud of me. Christ, thank you for being here for me, Poe.”  

“Of course, buddy. You’re the one facing your fears here. Shit, I—” Poe shook his head. “Means the world to me. That you’re willing to do this.”  

“You mean the world to me. And your dad is—is really sweet. He reminds me of you, not in an incesty way, don’t worry. Just your humor. And your eye crinkles. I can see where you get it from. The curls must have come from your mom, though, huh?”  

“Yeah, uh,” Poe sobered. “Yeah. There are a few photos of her, hanging in the house—maybe I’ll show you sometime.”   

“Sorry.” Finn rubbed his thumb over Poe’s cheek. “She really sounds like a lovely woman, though.”  

“No, it’s okay. She was. She’d have loved you, too.”  

“Oh, honey.” Finn held Poe close. “Thank you.”  

Poe smiled and kissed Finn’s shoulder. “How’re you doing, sweetheart?”  

“Better. Seriously better, thank you.”  

“Yeah? I’m glad.” Poe stepped back far enough to see Finn’s face. “What’s your plan now? I mean I, uh, I gotta say—I’m inclined to quit while we’re ahead.”  

“That wouldn’t be rude to your dad?”  

“No, not at all. He expected us for lunch, we came for lunch. It’s really nice of you to ask for a tour, but it doesn’t have to be today. We’re in no rush.”  

Finn took a deep breath in and out. “Okay. Then I think—I think I’ve had enough for the day. Not that your dad isn’t lovely, but I need some ‘let my brain calm down’ time.”  

Poe traced the line of Finn’s jaw. “I think that sounds like a great plan, buddy.”  

Finn stood back and took Poe’s hand in his. “Shall we go say goodbye, then?”  

“All right.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “Have I mentioned how proud I am that you’re listening to yourself so well? Because I am, I so fucking am.”  

“Someone, um. Someone told me I always have the right to feel safe, and I guess maybe that, um, meant a lot.”  

Poe blinked, then blinked again. “Um,” he said, throat tight, then buried his face in Finn’s shoulder and clung to him.  

Finn rubbed over Poe’s back in comfort. “I love you, baby,” Finn murmured.  

“So you were listening, huh,” Poe rasped at last. “Oh god. I love you too.”  

“I’m always listening, even if my jerkbrain is the one doing the talking.” Finn tipped Poe’s face up and kissed his lips. “I’m sorry I made you think I wasn’t listening.”  

“No, I—it’s okay, baby, I didn’t mean—I just—” Poe gave up on words and kissed Finn back. “You _do_ have the right to feel safe, you always do. I’m so glad you’re protecting that for yourself.”  

“I’m trying. Always trying.”  

“Well, that’s all you can do.”  

“You’re not wrong —no, I know, you’re never wrong.” Finn smiled and winked.  

“See, you _are_ listening!” Poe grinned at him. “All right. Ready to go home?”  

“Yeah. Let’s do it.”  

“Drive home, you mean.” Poe smirked. “We can do other things later, huh?” He took Finn’s hand and walked them back up into the house. “Papá?”

“Just a sec,” Kes called. He appeared in the entrance to the mudroom, still holding a towel. “You boys all right?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Poe said. “Just kinda tired. Ready to head home.”

“Ok. Didn’t get enough sleep last night?”

_“Papá…”_

“Sorry.” Kes held up his hands, fighting back a smile. “Well. It was really lovely to meet you, Finn.” He held out his hand.  

Finn shook Kes’s hand. “The same. Thank you for inviting me and opening your house to me.”  

“A pleasure.” Kes nodded at Finn. “You’re always welcome, all right? Any time.”  

Kes’s hand, and the easy welcome in his eyes, made Finn warm from the inside out. “Thanks,” he managed. “That means a lot.”  

“Of course.” Kes patted Finn’s shoulder. “Mijo, you’re going to take care of this man, right? I like him.”

“I like him too, Papá.” Poe slipped an arm around Finn’s waist and smiled at him. “Ready to go, sweetheart?”  

Finn nodded, smiling one last time at Kes. “Yeah, ready.”  

“Thanks for everything, dad. Don’t get into too much trouble, all right?”

“You’re telling _me?”_ Kes ruffled Poe’s hair. “Finn, watch out for this boy, all right?”  

“Yes, I will,” Finn answered, probably more fiercely and sincerely than Kes was looking for.

“Jesus, dad, I can take care of myself,” Poe grumbled. “All right, that’s it, we’re leaving. Next thing I know you’ll be pulling out the baby pictures.” He grinned at Finn and led him out the door.  

“I want to see those,” Finn called over his shoulder. “I bet he was all curl and adorable.”  

“He was,” Kes called from the front step, nearly bent in half with laughter. “Couldn’t tell him apart from the sheep, some days.”

“Oh, god, not you too,” Poe groaned. He slipped into the driver’s seat and thunked his head on the wheel, ridiculously happy that Finn was comfortable enough to joke. “I think that’s my cue to get us the hell out of here.”  

Finn grinned at him. “I love you, baby.” He waved at Kes.  

“Love you too,” Poe sighed as he peeled out of the driveway. “But fuck, I really didn’t think this through well enough. You’re all going to gang up against me. I’ll just hide the albums in the hayloft, all right? That way I can keep my dignity for another day.”  

Finn chewed his lip. “Is this real upset or fake upset?”  

“Fake! Fake, sorry.” Poe patted Finn’s thigh. “Sorry. I’m all right. I’m glad you two are getting along, and really fucking glad you’re feeling comfortable enough to joke. Gang up on me all you like.”  

“Okay,” Finn said with a smile. “I like being on your side better, though.”  

“Well, that’s fair. But buddy, I like you wherever you are.”  

Finn glowed under Poe's praise. “I did it, Poe. I didn't fuck it all up, or not that badly.” He leaned his head back to the headrest and closed his eyes, soaking in the feeling of sun on his skin. He did it. _He did it._  

“You did it, baby.” Poe beamed at him. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You didn’t fuck it up at _all._ I promise you.”  

Finn opened his eyes and smiled at Poe. “Fuck. We can do this. And now that the anxiety is receding I'm feeling a little giddy and high so if I don't make sense, that's why,” he warned, a huge smile stretching across his face.  

“That’s all right, buddy. You did it. You really fucking did it. Time to celebrate, all right? Write this down to remind yourself that you can do this.”  

“I can do this, I can do this. I feel like I could do fucking anything right now.”  

“Yeah?” Poe pulled to a stop at the light and gave Finn a high five. “I'm so fucking glad, sweetheart.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kes Dameron is pretty much my fave side character in any fic. - TLib


	33. Slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the thing about RP is that mood seems like it changes really rapidly, I feel like, in fic, because for us it's a totally different day or whatever. So this whole chapter is a drastic mood shift from the one before. It was kind of crazy, reading back over it. But, such is the nature of RP! - Tlib
> 
> CW: Anxiety attack, grief, talk of death of minor character (Slip), talk of police brutality.

Finn rolled down the window a little, letting the warm spring air breeze over his face. He wasn't sure life could get better than this, right now.  

“Bravest man I know,” Poe murmured.  

Finn turned to him with a smile. “The feeling is mutual, you know. And you had a hell of a lot more of a challenge. Rey is—Rey is a lot more complicated than your dad.”  

Poe cocked an eyebrow at Finn. “We are going to have to agree to disagree on that one, buddy, because that is just absurd. I moved back home. Built myself a little fortress and stayed inside it. You—you’re pushing yourself, challenging yourself, growing, changing, exploring. It’s fucking inspiring.”  

“I get that,” Finn replied softly. “But consider —your fortress, well, _you,_ helped me feel safe enough to do that.”  

“But—” Poe blinked. The yellow lines of the median slipped past, one by one. “But I—” He pressed a hand to his lips, throat aching. “Oh,” he said, nearly too quiet to hear.  

“I know I’m pushing you out of your fortress, but I promise it’s only so I can make a home there for myself, too. Thanks for letting me in.” Finn reached out to touch Poe’s shoulder.  

“You’re always welcome inside my life, baby.” Poe glanced at Finn, then looked back out at the road. “And it’s, uh. It’s kinda nice outside the fortress. Scary, but—but worth it.”   

Warmth bloomed inside Finn, and he took a shaky breath. “Fuck, I’m really glad you think so.”  

Poe smiled at him. “Doesn’t mean I want to go jumping into any fires myself, you know. I’ll leave that to you. Metaphorical fires, I mean.”  

“You’ll be my anchor, though.”  

Poe bit his lip. “I am not an anchor,” he rasped. “I don’t want you hitching your—your—okay-ness to mine. That’s not a good thing to hold onto. I’m not stable, like you need.”  

Finn shook his head. “You’re right. It wasn’t—that wasn’t what I meant, exactly. I know I need to keep working on myself, for _myself._ And no one else. Just. Um. That you—you’re steady enough that when I’m—when I’m tired, and can’t go on by myself, I can lean on you. Like I did today, in your dad’s garden.”  

Poe thought this through for a long time, staring out over the verdant valley. “Oh,” he said at last. “Um. Okay.” He nodded. “Ok. I get that.” He touched Finn’s hand. “I’m glad I can be that, for you. I know—I know there are going to be times when you want to lean on me, and I can’t hold you up. I—I hope you have a backup plan for those times. But, um. But when I can, I—I’m happy to try to help. However I can.”      

“I’ll make a plan,” Finn vowed. “I promise. Thanks for being there for me when you can. I hope—I hope I can do the same for you.”  

“You do, buddy. You really do.”  

“Good.” Finn laid his head back against the headrest and thought for a bit. “I understand why being someone’s only anchor would be scary. That would scare the fuck out of me. Maybe that’s—maybe that’s what Slip was to me,” he murmured.  

Poe watched Finn’s face, wishing he could smooth out the furrow in Finn’s brow. “What do you mean?” he asked softly.  

“Slip was like...the one steady positive force in my life back then. I’m pretty sure that’s why I loved him. So maybe, maybe he was my anchor.” Finn took a deep breath. “Except, that’s not what I feel for you. My love for you goes—goes far beyond what I ever felt for Slip, romantically, anyway. So, um. You’re right. Anchor’s not the right word.”  

“I’m sorry he’s gone,” Poe murmured.  

“Shot,” Finn whispered bitterly. “Cop. When I was overseas.”  

“Fucking—” Poe nearly swerved out of the lane before getting himself back under control. It was a full mile before he trusted his voice to speak again. “I’m sorry,” he croaked. “God, Finn. I’m so fucking sorry.”  

“Sorry. I don’t tend to tell people.” Finn flexed his hands in his lap. “Don’t tend to talk much about Slip at all.”  

“That’s okay, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you lost him, and—and especially for something as fucked-up as a fucking cop—” Poe shook his head. “Jesus.” He took a sharp breath, then let it out. “If you—if you ever want to talk about him, it’s okay. Completely okay.”   

“Thanks.” Finn worked up a small smile for Poe, then ground his heels into his eyes. “I swear I don’t set out to be depressing.”  

“It’s okay, love.” Poe fished a battered tissue box out from between the seats in lieu of kissing Finn’s tears away like he needed to. “It’s always okay to talk about what you need to, all right?”  

Finn nodded as he wiped his eyes with a tissue. “Thanks,” he whispered again.  

Poe pulled up in front of Finn’s house, turned to him, and opened his arms. “I’m so sorry, love.”  

Finn unbuckled his seatbelt and slid into Poe’s arms.  

Poe shifted closer, trying to make it easier on Finn’s back, and rocked them a little. “I’m glad you had him,” he murmured into Finn’s hair. “Had a—a person to love. I’m so fucking glad. I wish he could still be here for you.”   

“Me, too,” Finn admitted. At some point during his rehab, he realized, he’d shoved all of his memories, his feelings, his need for Slip deep down inside him. Opening up to Poe about him felt like he’d opened an old wound. He sobbed into Poe’s shoulder.  

“Oh, baby.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “God, I’m so sorry.”  

“You are—" Finn huffed, trying to get himself under control. “You are quite possibly the most chill boyfriend. I’m crying about my first crush on your shoulder, for fuck’s sake. Thank you.”  

“Baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s hair. “What, am I supposed to be jealous? He was your—your brother, your best friend, your crush, your anchor—that’s a huge loss.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “A huge fucking loss. You’re allowed to cry, all right? You’re allowed to grieve him.”  

Finn nodded against Poe’s chest. “I haven’t—I haven’t—haven’t given myself a chance to do this. It’s—it’s been _years_ and I haven’t—"  

“Then maybe now’s the time.”  

“Yeah—" Finn grunted, realizing the gear shift was digging into his side. He readjusted, leaving Poe’s arms but holding his hand tight.  

“Do you want me to, um—” Poe hesitated. “You said you wanted some time to relax and clear your brain. But now it seems like—if you want me to stay with you, if you don’t want to be alone right now, I get that. Also very okay if you do want to be alone. I—I don’t really know what to do here.”    

Conscious of what Poe had told him earlier about using him as an anchor, Finn shook his head. “It’s okay. I think I’m just going to put on the food network and veg out on the couch.”  

“Ok, baby.” Poe traced Finn’s cheek. “That sounds like a plan. Just…call me if you need me, all right? I’m happy to help, whatever I can do. You’ve had—fuck, you’ve had a really rough day. You deserve a break.”  

Finn nodded numbly. He didn’t—he didn’t _want_ to wallow in grief for Slip. He just needed—just needed to shove it down again.  

Poe cupped Finn's cheeks between his hands with a small frown. “What do you need, sweetheart,” he said, holding Finn's gaze. “What do you want to do? Tell me.”  

“I need to forget about it. I don't have...time, energy, I don't know. To deal with this right now. Why is this coming up now?”  

“I don't know,” Poe said gently. “Maybe part of you is thinking about your own family, after meeting part of mine. Maybe—maybe this is when you need to think about it. Maybe you're tired and stressed. I really don't know, but—you are thinking about it now, and you don't look okay. Do you want to, um. Can you call your therapist, maybe? Or at least talk about it with him when you go this week.”  

Finn nodded. “He gave me his emergency line.” He struggled to untangle himself from the seat belt. “Oh, um, my skillet is still at your house.”  

“I can bring it by tomorrow night, or something. Um.” Poe bit his lip. “I just—I don't feel right, leaving you when you're not okay, like this.”  

“I don't want you to leave me.” Finn broke down, sobbing into his hands. “I don't want to—don't want to—don't want you to think I _need_ you so much.”  

“Oh, baby.” Poe wrapped Finn into his arms again and hugged him fiercely. “I'm so sorry. It's okay to need people. All right? I—I don't know where the line is, where that becomes a problem. Maybe we can talk about that later. But as long as I'm able to, I'd like to stay and help you.” _You sure you can, Dameron? This was a really fucking stressful morning, which on top of a stressful afternoon can turn into a bad night._ “But, um,” Poe sighed. “I, uh. I think I should maybe put on my own oxygen mask first? How about if I go home, get your pan, change into something a little easier to cuddle in, take a little break, and come back here in an hour?”  

Finn calmed slowly. “That's reasonable,” he said softly. “You need to take care of yourself, I understand that. I can, um. Call my therapist in that hour.”  

“All right, sweetheart. That sounds like a good plan.” Poe rested his forehead against Finn’s. “Text me when you’re done? Tell me if you still want me to come over, or not. I don’t really know how long talking with your therapist will take, and I don’t want to interrupt that.”  

Finn closed his eyes and nodded. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't—I'm sorry I ruined it. I don't know if I'll ever be capable of not ruining it.”  

Poe brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheek. “Oh, baby. Take a deep breath and try that again, okay? I know you can do this.”  

Finn counted a breath in and out on his head. Then another, when his jerkbrain still wanted to be in charge. He shook his head sadly at Poe.  

“That’s okay, sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn’s forehead. “You go in now and call him, all right? You’ll get there. I promise you.”  

Finn nodded. “Okay,” he whispered, setting his forehead on Poe's one last time before getting out of the car. He nodded at the O'Conners’ concerned frowns and let himself inside his apartment.  

 _Jesus._ Poe thunked his head onto the steering wheel, then pulled away from the curb and drove home. _Promise me you won’t go back to Finn’s until you’re_ sure _you’re okay._

_When am I ever sure I’m okay?_

_Just promise me, okay? A double shitshow will not help the situation tonight. You can’t help him while panicking or dissociating._

_Ok,_ Poe sighed. _I promise._ He pulled into his garage, stumbled out into his house, set his phone on the coffeetable—ringtone volume all the way up—and curled up on the couch for a quick nap.  

Finn kicked off his sandals and avoided the kitchen and the bathroom, places he'd banned himself from when he was in this headspace. He settled on the living room, with the couch, and pulled out his phone to call his therapist.

It took a bit of phone tag, and Finn apologizing profusely over calling him on a Sunday, which Dr. Ramirez protested with “I wouldn't have given you my emergency line if I didn't mean it, Finn,” but eventually Finn was hugging one of his throw pillows to his chest and telling his story.

“I think Poe's right,” Dr. Ramirez murmured eventually. “It's coming up now for a reason. You've been spending the week meeting the family, as it were, and he, for all intents and purposes, was your family. The family that mattered to your heart.”

“But I was doing better, not thinking about him,” Finn protested, then interrupted himself. “And _that_ makes me feel like shit. Like, he deserves to be remembered, and I'm just going to shove him aside because it's inconvenient to think about it now?”

“Be kind to yourself, Finn. You _don't_ have to tackle all of it at once. That would be an extremely trying task for anyone.” Dr. Ramirez let the silence spin out. “But, when feelings about Slip, or about your father, or anything, _do_ come up, give yourself time to process them. Or, if you feel like you can't process it right then, write it down, and we can talk about it when we can. Shoving it deeper inside, it only helps temporarily. You know that, in your heart, I know you do.”

Finn chewed his lip as he processed the new thoughts. They chatted for a little while longer, and after the call, Finn was feeling drained, so drained, but better, too. He let himself rest in the silence for a bit before picking up his phone again.

 **Finn** : hey

 **Finn** : Talk with therapist went really well.

 **Finn** : I'm really tired, and I think I'm going to just veg out on the couch like I said before.

 **Finn** : I'd love a cuddle buddy, but I understand if you need time, too. I'm out of the danger zone. Thank you for being there for me.  

The bright chimes of incoming texts roused Poe to mostly-wakefulness. He squinted at his phone.

 **Poe** : I’m really glad it went well, sweetheart.

 **Poe** : I’m happy to come be a cuddle buddy. Watch a movie, maybe? I’ll be there in twenty.

_Are you sure you’re up for this, Dameron?_

_Maybe? No, I guess, I’m not quite sure. I’m still exhausted._

_Then why are you doing this?_

Poe stared across the room. _I don’t know,_ he sighed. _Because he needs me. Because if I can help, I want to help. I’ll be okay._  

 **Finn** : See you soon <3

Finn unfolded himself from the couch and stretched, then got himself a glass of water and one of the notebooks he'd bought for school. He had a couple of thoughts he wanted to get down about Slip before Poe came.  

Poe adjusted his backpack over his shoulder, stepped up to Finn’s door, and knocked.  

“Hey,” Finn managed as he opened the door. “Hey, baby.”  

“Hey yourself.” Poe hugged Finn. “How’re you feeling?”  

“Better, a lot better. Thank you for how much you helped me earlier.” Finn took Poe's hand and led him to the living room.  

“I’m glad, sweetheart.” Poe slung his backpack and shoes into the corner, then flopped onto the couch. “Cuddle buddy, at your service. What did you want to do?”  

Finn wedged himself in beside Poe, circling an arm around his waist. “Thanks for keeping me from a full blown episode earlier.” He settled his head on Poe's shoulder, and picked up the remote. “I was thinking Disney.”  

“Of course, sweetheart. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better now.” Poe lay back against the arm of the couch and tugged Finn back to lie against him. “Disney sounds perfect.”  

Finn clicked through his options, settling finally on The Princess and the Frog, because he hasn't seen it in awhile. He let himself relax into Poe's body.  

Poe wrapped an arm over Finn’s waist, remembering how he’d liked it before. “I don’t think I’ve seen this one before,” he murmured sleepily.  

“S’really good. The animation is beautiful, and I like Tiana—well. You’ll see why.”  

Poe laughed as the lead pirouetted around her dream restaurant. “Ok, I do see why. You going to sing like that when you buy your place?”  

“Probably,” Finn said with a laugh. “You going to dance with me?”  

“You bet your ass I will. Arm candy, remember? I should probably start practicing now, though. My version of dancing is mostly just wiggle your ass, move your hips a little. Not this—what the hell is this, swing dancing? I don’t even know, man.”   

“Mmm, but I get to determine what I like for my arm candy, right? I’m totally down for you just wiggling your ass. In fact, I’m going to need you to demonstrate as soon as possible.” Finn rubbed the arm that was wrapped around him.  

“Mmm?” Poe rocked his hips up against Finn’s ass. “Well, I can do that. With pleasure. Hey, does this mean you’re going to wear a dress like hers? And a feather in your hair?”  

“Well, I’m not sure I could pull off the dress. I bet I’d look good in gold and white, though. And the feather.”   

“You’re right,” Poe said solemnly. “You wouldn’t pull off a dress like that. You’d put it on. And _I’d_ pull it off. And then we’d have a lot of fun.”  

Finn snorted, turning his head to press a kiss to wherever he could reach on Poe —it turned out to be his bicep —before turning back to the movie. “I love you. I’ve never thought about wearing a dress, though. You really think I’d look good?”  

“Jesus, Finn, you would look good in a trash bag. And out of the trash bag, too. I—look, I’ve never really cared about clothes, as long as they fit reasonably well and don’t smell too bad, but you—god, I can still see you in that suit, when you first stepped out of your room, all—” He waved a hand to illustrate what his words never could. “Sharp, I guess, and—and sleek, and—hell, I don’t know. I think you’d look just as good in a dress, with that feather boa, or maybe just the boa, who cares. Or in one of those dark suits with the golden pocket square, and a flower, maybe a top hat too.”  

Finn flushed from head to toe under Poe’s praise. “Well, maybe sometime we can test it out. See if I can make that ‘20s aesthetic work.”  

“Damn right.” Poe rubbed Finn’s arm, trying not to think too hard about Finn in a suit. “I wonder what they wore under those suits,” he said before his mind could catch up to his stupid-ass mouth.  

“No idea. When did boxers become a thing? They probably wore tighty-whities.” Finn felt his eyes drift closed. “Think we can get away with a nap before dinner?”  

“Mmm, yeah, I like your boxer briefs better. Talk about sleek.” Poe shifted to let Finn lie back against him more comfortably and wrapped his arms over Finn’s stomach. “Of course you can go to sleep, sweetheart. You want me to put the movie on mute?”  

“Mmmno, s’okay. Unless you don’t want to watch it, tha’s’fine, too.”   

“Nah, I’ll keep watching it. That’ll keep me awake.” _So I don’t wake up in your arms and hurt you._ Poe swallowed hard, then patted Finn’s arm. “Sleep, sweetheart. You sound exhausted.”  

Finn barely got through one relaxing breath before he fell asleep, warm in Poe’s arms.  

God, Finn was beautiful when he slept. Fragile, and sweet, and vulnerable. Poe scooted backward just far enough to make it (hopefully) clear to his body that he was spooning up _behind_ Finn, not beneath him. He feather-kissed the back of Finn’s neck, relaxed against the pillows, and watched hard work and bravery triumph over despair.  

Fin’s dreams were weird, and tangled, and so full of Slip, he began crying in the dream, sobbing over a grave he’d never had the guts to visit.  

 _Shit shit shit_ something was wrong. Poe stared at the teartracks on Finn’s cheeks, alarmed. The little noises had been one thing, but this— “Finn,” he said, shaking him a little and calculating escape trajectories. _“Finn._ Wake up. Please, baby, wake up.”  

Poe’s voice pulled him out of the dream —nightmare? No, just upsetting, Finn decided —slowly. He blinked, his eyes wet, realized he’d been crying. He reached up to wipe at his eyes. “Thanks. Sorry. Emotions catching up with me, I think,” he murmured, voice slurry from sleep, still.  

“It’s okay, baby. You’re all right.” Poe brushed the tears off Finn’s cheeks. “You want to talk about it?”  

Finn let himself snuggle into Poe’s arms. “I feel like—I feel like I’m not honoring him properly, you know?”  

“What do you mean?”  

“I never went to his grave —fuck, I don’t even know if they got him one, those are expensive, you know?”  

“I know,” Poe murmured. He nudged Finn to face him, needing to see his face. “Did you—did you ever want to?”   

“When I got out? No. I stayed away from—from anything that reminded me of the time with my dad. Now, though. I mean, I don’t want to take a flight out right now, but I wish I had done it when I was close.” Finn looked into Poe’s soft brown eyes, judgeless and kind, and felt his heart grow in his chest.  

Poe traced Finn’s jaw. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. It sounds like you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself, you know? I mean, going back at that point might have—I don’t know. Started you sliding back somewhere you didn’t want to go. You took care of yourself first, just like you told me to do.”  

Some of the latent anxiety from the dream eased. Finn crossed the short distance that would let their mouths meet, and kissed Poe lazily, slowly, just needing his comfort.  

Poe wrapped a hand around the back of Finn’s head and kissed him back, sweet and simple.  

“Thank you,” Finn whispered when they’d broken apart. He reached up to thumb over Poe’s cheek, then one of the shadows under his eye. “You look like you could use a nap yourself. Thanks for letting me get a little one in. Do you want to use my bed?”  

“Nah, I already napped today. If I sleep any more, I may not sleep well tonight.” Poe kissed Finn’s thumb. “You all right? It’s okay to cry, sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it any more?”  

Finn nuzzled into Poe’s chest. “I wish I had something from then. Something of Slip’s, or something that—that reminded me of him.”  

“Hmm.” Poe ran his fingers through Finn’s hair. “Do you have a photo? Or a favorite song, or album, of his?”  

“No photos. I didn’t take anything when I enlisted. Nothing much to take, anyway.” Finn traced circles across Poe’s chest. “He, um. He liked old school rap. Run DMC, that kind of thing. I don’t—I don’t remember if he had a favorite, oh God, I don’t remember anymore.” He couldn’t keep the panic out of his voice.  

“That’s okay.” Poe held Finn tighter to soothe him. “That happens, baby. Maybe if you listen to the music again you’ll remember. And even if you don’t—you still loved him. That doesn’t change, no matter what you remember about him.”   

Finn sniffed. “Yeah?”  

“Yeah, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple. “I mean, stuff is just stuff, you know? It would be great to have something from him. But you have the memories, and all. And maybe you can find something on Facebook, or something? If you want to, if you would be okay looking for it. And you can also just—I mean, I have a votive for my mom that I light sometimes. Maybe you could get one for him, make a space for it somewhere. So you can light it, when you’re thinking about him, and not feel quite as lost.”   

Finn buried his face in Poe’s chest as he cried again. His soft “thank you” was watery and muffled.  

“Oh, baby.” Poe rocked him gently, feeling painfully helpless. “I’m so sorry you lost him.”  

Finn drew comfort and strength from the arms around him. “You’re so good to me.”  

“Of course, baby. I’m sorry you’re hurting now.”  

“It’ll pass, Dr. Ramirez said. That, um. The hurt will ease over time, as I let myself feel it.”  

“It will. It definitely will. I mean, not that you won’t—won’t grieve him any more, but that hopefully one day it won’t feel so overwhelming.”  

Finn nodded against his chest, wiping at the wet spot he’d made on Poe’s shirt. “Sorry.”  

“It’s okay, love. It’s okay to grieve.”  

Finn smiled a little. “I meant about crying all over your shirt, but thank you.” He met Poe’s eyes, and kissed him again. “Thank you for everything today. Are you—um. Did it work okay for you? Did you get the quiet time you needed? Fuck, I’m sorry I forgot to ask earlier.”  

“I’m okay. A little tired, I guess. Okay, maybe a lot. But I’ll be fine. Are you—did you want to talk about it?”  

Finn shook his head. “I think I’m talked out, today. I could use something light for dinner, I think I have some of that chicken soup in the freezer, then have a quiet evening.” Finn ran a hand through Poe’s curls. “I’d understand if you wanted to go home, spend some time alone, away from the drama.”  

Poe bit his lip. “I don’t want to leave you when you’re hurting. But I—I don’t know how much I have left to give, to be honest.”   

“I’m—" Finn sniffled. “I’m going to be okay. I want you to be okay, too. You’ve been such a good support to me, today, baby. Such a good man,” he mumbled, burying his face in Poe’s chest again.  

Poe closed his eyes and leaned his head against Finn’s. “I’m trying,” he murmured. “I don’t know how to do this. I’m just—I’m trying.”  

“I’d give you an A plus so far, baby. Best boyfriend, ever.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled and kissed Finn’s hair. “Well. That’s a relief.”  

Finn eased himself out of Poe’s arms and sat up, resting a hand on Poe’s hip. “Leave me out of it for a moment. Will it be better for you to spend the night here with me, or to go home? _For you_ ,” Finn reminded gently.  

“Home,” Poe answered. That was an easy one. He looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry.”  

Finn rubbed over Poe’s hip. “I’m really doing a lot better, baby. You helped with that. You don’t need to apologize for needing time for yourself.” He smiled a little. “I’m going to use your own example against you. If you were having an episode, and it triggered me, would you want me to fight through it to help you?”  

“So rude,” Poe sighed. “Using logic against me. How dare you.” He covered Finn’s hand with his own. “Thank you. I’m glad I could help. And I’m really glad you’re doing better now.”  

Finn leaned down to brush his lips across Poe’s. “Do you want to stay for chicken soup, or head home now?”  

“Home. Although that is tempting, I’ve got to say. Thank you. That was some damn good soup. But I really need to go back to my cave and huddle for a while until I’m on better footing.”  

“Okay, honey. You’ll call or text me, or someone, if you need to, right?”  

“Yeah, of course.”  

Finn stood to let Poe get up. He brought Poe's shoes over to the couch. “I love you, so much. Thank you—for everything today. Your dad was, was really sweet, and lunch was good.”  

“Yeah? I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I—” Poe shook his head. “I was completely sure you would have a panic attack at some point. I had backup plan after backup plan, all ready to go. And that would have been okay, completely okay, but you didn’t, you were okay, and I’m—I’m really impressed.”   

“Oh honey,” Finn murmured, sitting on the couch beside Poe and cupping his cheeks.”All that worry for me, no wonder you're so worn. You are the sweetest thing. I'm sorry I made you worry so much.”  

Poe shrugged. “Worth it.”  

Finn smiled. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he murmured, peppering Poe’s face with kisses.  

“I love you too.” Poe kissed Finn back.  

Finn stood again, stretching his back out, and leaning on the couch.  

Poe put his shoes on, then reluctantly shoved to his feet and reached a hand down to Finn. “Thank you for coming to lunch, my brave man. I’m sorry you’re hurting now.”  

Finn let Poe pull him up. “Thanks for helping me through, and—and for taking care of yourself, too.”   

“Of course, sweetheart.” Poe kissed Finn again, then shouldered his backpack and turned to go. “You’ll call me if you need me, right?”  

“Yes, yes I will. Promise.” Finn brushed a kiss over Poe’s cheek.  

“Ok.” Poe smiled at Finn, then headed back out into the golden evening. _Home, home, home._ He lost track of time between Finn’s house and his, then found himself inside, door closed, shoes off, backpack down. He slapped together a hasty dinner, then curled up on the couch to watch some kind of brainless TV. Cars, maybe, one of those antique car shows. Or soccer, baseball—it didn’t really matter. Something to occupy the part of his mind that still kind of wanted to panic right now. He huddled into himself and stared at the screen, drained and worn.  

Finn unfroze a bowl of soup, and sat back down on the couch, turning his TV the food network and getting lost in Chopped until he fell asleep again.   

——————————————————

“ _Fuck_ ,” Finn groaned as he leaned over the car’s engine. Why the fuck had he not just gotten up and gone to bed?

“You do _not_ sound good. Poe treating you rough? We need Snap to have a kink talk again?” Jess quipped from her car.

“Don’t you drag me into this,” Snap grumbled.  

“You, on the other hand, sound fucking _chipper_ ,” Finn muttered, rubbing at his lower back, ignoring Jess’s raised eyebrows.   

“Aww, don’t mind Snap. If he didn’t say stuff like that, we’d have to call him by his real name, and I’ve forgotten it by now. Alan? Paul?”  

“Pava,” Snap growled, and she shut up. Finn kind of envied that growly quality in Snap.

“I’m disappointed in you guys. We’ve been here for _two hours_ already and you haven’t asked me about my weekend,” Jess muttered, popping a wheel off and rolling it to the back.  

“Weekend. How was.” Snap took the wheel from her and kept rolling it along. “Look, you want to talk about it, talk. We’re not stopping you.”  

“I fucked her,” she practically shouted with glee.

Finn shook his head, trying to clear his bad mood away. “That’s great, Jess. So the knife talk went okay?”

Jess slid her eyes to the side. “What knife talk?”  

“Jess,” Snap sighed.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jess grumbled.  

“Honey,” Finn murmured, cleaning grease off his hands with a rag.

“What? It was fine.”  

Snap raised his hands. “Don’t look at me.”  

Finn groaned and buried his head back in his engine.  

“Go on, gossip.” Snap wiped his face and headed off towards the lockers. “I need a break, anyway.”  

Jess fit a new tire into the wheelwell and started screwing it in. “Hey, uh. Finn. I, uh, wanted to apologize. Poe talked to us this morning, before you got here—well, whatever, you probably know what he said. I just wanted to say, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m really sorry. I thought we’d toned it down enough. You seemed really chill with it. But, uh, we’re going to back off, okay? I’m sorry. So is Snap, whether or not he manages to man up and say it.”   

Finn straightened, sober. “Oh, um.” He rubbed over his neck. “Um, thanks. I hope you don’t—don’t think I was like, tattling on you or something.”  

“No, man. Not at all.” Jess’ eyes flicked to his, embarrassed. “I mean…we’ve all got our shit.”   

“Yeah, um. Yeah. Um. Thank you.” Finn gave her a little smile. “Thanks for understanding.”  

“She said the thing?” Snap’s boots clunked over the concrete as he made his way back to the car he was working on. He patted Finn’s car on the way there in lieu of actually touching him. “‘M sorry too. Won’t happen again.”  

Finn reddened. “Thanks, man. Seriously, thanks.” He set his tools down. “Um, I’ll be right back.” He swept quickly past them and headed back to Poe’s office, knocking lightly on the door.  

“Hey, buddy. What’s up?” Poe leaned against the jamb.  

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe and buried his face in Poe’s neck.  

“Oh,” Poe said softly. He rested his cheek against Finn’s, breathing in the familiar scent of his shampoo. “You’re okay, love. I’ve got you.”  

“I didn’t... This is so awful of me, Poe. I thought maybe you’d forget. About the teasing thing. Because it’s such a stupid little thing,” Finn mumbled against his neck.  

“Not a stupid little thing,” Poe murmured. “It’s important to you and your safety, it’s illegal, and it’s my job to make sure everyone is safe here. I wouldn’t be a boss worth shit if I didn’t make sure they quit it.”  

“Well, they just—just _apologized_ to me.” Finn couldn’t keep the wonder out of his voice.  

“Good.”  

“Thank you. Thank you.”   

“Of course, sweetheart.” Poe’s throat ached. “I mean, I didn’t order them to apologize, or anything. I wasn’t sure if I’m really allowed to. But I’m glad they did.”  

Finn looked up into Poe’s eyes. “I hope I’m as good a boss as you when—when I’ve got my own place. You—you do such a good job dealing with all our shit.”  

“You will be, Finn. I know you will.” Poe smiled a little. “And anyway, the three of you are the easiest team I’ve ever led. Far easier than commanding a bunch of trigger-happy pilots.”  

Finn smiled back. “Yeah, a little less nerve-wracking, I’m sure.” He brushed a quick kiss across Poe’s lips. “I should get back.”  

“All right, buddy. You’re doing okay?”  

Finn nodded. “Yeah. I mean. It’s easier to work, takes my mind off it a bit, and then I feel guilty for taking my mind off it, and I cycle around, and my therapist said that’s completely normal, I know, but—" He let himself breathe. “But,” he said with a little apologetic smile.  

“But?”  

“It’s a hard cycle to not fall into.”  

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Poe traced Finn’s cheek. “I’m glad you’re fighting it, though.”  

“I’m kinda a cranky bitch today, too, just word of warning. Pre-sorry.”  

“Well.” Poe raised an eyebrow. “You’re allowed. Thanks for the warning.”  

Finn’s mouth quirked up. “See you at lunch?”   

“Of course.” Poe patted his shoulder, then stepped back. “Do good work out there.”  

“Always do,” Finn said with a wink. He turned back to the garage, picking up the new work orders along the way. There was a little bit of an awkward silence in the work area, until Jess started blasting heavy rock, and they all stuck their heads in their cars.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Take a look at the gorgeous Finn dressed as Tiana, who our friend Topo drew for us for shits and giggles.](https://topoart.tumblr.com/post/160757837169/a-bajillion-years-ago-animalasaysrauer-suggested)


	34. The Double Shitshow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recent events trigger intrusive memories for Poe. Finn attempts to help, but gets hurt as well. 
> 
> CW: dissociation, intrusive memories, implied past torture

Poe clenched and unclenched his toes in his boots, trying to stay grounded. He fixed his eyes on the engine and angled his pliers better, trying to—the pliers, they—they—

His eyes fell to his malformed fingernails that had never grown back properly. _Breathe, Dameron._ He adjusted his grip on the pliers, looked down at the engine, and—

 _List. I have a list._ Poe dropped the pliers back into his toolbox and stumbled towards the office. _List._

_#1: Text Snap_

**Poe:** leaving

 **Snap:** Gotcha, boss. Take care of yourself.

_#2: Change into your clothes._

Poe’s locker swung shut with a clang.

_#3: Walk home_

Poe opened his front door, not entirely sure what had happened to the time between leaving the shop and arriving home.

_#4: Breathe._

Not working. He couldn’t count to seven, not even four, what the fuck was wrong with his brain, he was going nuts, he—

_#5: Try the punching bag. Put your gloves on first._

Inside, downstairs, punch, bag swung back, loomed over him with a mask and a monotone string of questions and—

_#6: Pray_

_Please. Please please please please please—_

_#7: Wait it out. It will end. Keep breathing._

Poe huddled in the corner of the basement, knees clutched to his chest, face buried in his knees.  

———————————————————

“Snap, have you seen Poe?” Finn asked, frowning at the empty office. “Did he have a car to drop off?”  

“Nah, he took off.” Snap threw his boots into his locker and hunkered down to change into his street shoes. “He didn’t text you?”  

Finn chewed his lip. “He didn't. Was he sick?”  

“Um. I mean. He only leaves when he needs to.” Snap straightened up and pulled his backpack from his locker, ready to go home for the evening.

Jess swept past Finn and patted his shoulder in sympathy. “He does this, you know that. He’ll be fine.”  

“Right,” Finn nodded. “Um, I can close up.”  

“Nope, it’s my turn.” Jess yanked her boots off and tossed them into her locker. “You go, you know, relax, or something.” She glanced back at Finn. “He’ll be all right, hun. He always is. Go take care of yourself, all right?”  

Finn nodded again, worrying his lip. He changed into his sneakers and shouldered his backpack up, waving goodbye to Snap and Jess. As he waited for the bus, he toyed with his phone. If Poe hadn't texted, he didn't want Finn there. That's what they'd worked out, right?

Still, maybe it wouldn't hurt to check. Finn typed out the message, but couldn't hit send. What if his notifications were on really loud and the incoming text sound made Poe anxious? He'd hate to make Poe's situation any worse.

In the end, he decided to send it anyway, along with a prayer that his phone was on silent.

 **Finn:** Thinking of you. Love you.  

Poe jumped half a foot when his phone chimed with an incoming text halfway through a breathing pattern. Only half a foot, though—after that unfortunate incident with the broken plate, he’d set his phone to the calmest ringtones he could find. He stared at the text and bit his lip, trying to smash himself back into his body well enough to text back.

 **Poe:** thank

 **Poe:** sorry didn tell you  

 **Finn:** don't worry about that hun. Love you. Let me know if i can help. Will leave you in peace otherwise. Love you.  

Poe covered his stinging eyes with his hand and swallowed hard.

 **Poe:** love too

 **Poe:** dont think can do anything

 **Poe:** dont knw whats  

Finn chewed on his lip, alarmed. Fuck, he wished…he wished this wasn't the first time. All of his instincts were screaming at him to go to Poe, talk him down, like he'd done before, in the kitchen, when he pressed Poe about his past. He rewrote his text about a dozen times.

 **Finn:** feel free to tell me to fuck off, but I'd like to check on you. May I come over?  

 **Poe:** im okay dont worr

 **Poe:** can come if want i guess

 **Poe:** dont know

 **Poe:** not sure safe for you  

_Fuck safe._

**Finn:** I'll be there in ten. I'm going to come to the side door, and knock three times.

 **Finn:** if you don't want to let me in, that's okay

 **Finn:** I love you so much.  

 **Poe:** front not locked come in there

 **Poe:** im in baseme

 **Poe:** love too  

Finn packed a bag quickly and ran to Poe's, letting the exercise eat away some of the adrenaline sluicing through his veins.

The front was indeed unlocked, and Finn called out immediately. “It's me, Poe. It's Finn.” He kept calling out as he dropped the bag and made his way to the basement. It was cold, and he kicked himself for not thinking to bring a blanket down.  “I'm here Poe, and I'm safe, and you're safe,” he murmured into the darkness.  

The crack of light from the basement door stretched across Finn’s face and haloed his hair like an angel. Poe’s heart cracked a little, trying to figure out whether it was real or another ghoul from his imagination. But it was Finn, of course it was Finn, coming down to rescue him. He watched Finn with wide eyes, silent, frozen.  

Finn kept himself from rushing the figure huddled against the wall, but he couldn’t help but tear up at the sight of Poe's eyes. God, he'd seen those eyes before. Fuck, he'd _had_ those eyes before. Cornered animal, ready to strike to save itself.

“I'm going to turn on the light, baby. Everything is better in the light.” He reached over, flipped the switch up, then slid down the wall, brought himself to Poe's level, though still a safe distance from him. He could flee up the stairs if things went wrong.  

Poe squinted in the blinding light. Finn was too far to cuddle with, but close enough to seem real. He even smelled faintly like Finn, sweat and soap and herbs. “You came?” Poe rasped.  

“Yeah, baby. I'm here. I'm real.” Finn paused a second. “ _You’re_ real too. And you're safe. I'm here to keep you safe.”  

“Ok,” Poe whispered. He hesitated, pulling at his hair a little, then tentatively reached a hand towards Finn.  

Finn scooted over and took Poe's hand in his lap, noting the raw knuckles that must have meant Poe forgot to put on his gloves. He traced around the cuts tenderly. “Love you, baby. I, um, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but—but when I'm having an episode, you talking helps me. God, how many times have I sat on my couch and listened to your sleepy voice come through my phone and remind me why I should stick around. I love you so much, baby.”  

“Too,” Poe whispered. He eyed the space between them, then leaned toward Finn a little. “Can I?”  

“Yeah. Yeah, come here, baby,” Finn murmured as he opened his arms.  

“Mmm.” Poe leaned against Finn’s warm side and closed his eyes, protected inside Finn’s arms. He took a slow, shuddering breath, then another, trying not to cry again.  

Finn rubbed methodically over Poe's back, loosening the tight muscles in his hunched shoulders, ignoring the twinges in his own back that were protesting the hard wall, sitting on the ground, wrapping himself around Poe, well, protesting just about everything really. He rested his head by Poe's, murmuring out a breath count for Poe to focus on.  

Poe wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, cuddling and cuddled, on the cold concrete floor. Finn’s voice wrapped around Poe’s chest like a lifebuoy, keeping him afloat.

By the time Poe opened his eyes again, the faint light from the upper casement windows had faded to sunset. The frantic pace of his heart had slowed—he could hear it, synced with Finn’s, echoing between his ears. The intrusive memories that had sent him down here, desperate for sanctuary, had quieted. They’d been fading even before Finn had arrived, but now, safe in Finn’s arms, they settled down for a nap like unruly children.

“Finn?” he murmured.  

“Hey, baby,” Finn whispered, smiling against Poe's cheek. “How are you feeling?”  

“Like shit.” Poe cuddled closer into Finn’s side. “Sorry. You…ok?”   

“Just fine,” Finn said with a grin. “Glad to hear your voice. Wouldn't mind moving this cuddle pile to the couch.”  

“Move?” Poe looked around the room. Oh right, basement. Why was he here? He really didn’t want to move anywhere, but—oh shit, Finn had spent a long time twisting towards him, right? “You hurt?”  

“Nothing ibuprofen won't fix. We can stay here at long as you like.” Finn rubbed Poe's back in large circles.  

“Sorry.” Poe scooted back a little and touched Finn’s shoulder with one still-shaking hand. “Didn’t want. Hurt you.”  

Finn kissed Poe's cheeks. “ You didn't. You're all good, baby.”  

“Oh.” Poe sighed and leaned against him again. “Ok.” God, he was exhausted. But no, this was hurting Finn, he had to move. Poe struggled reluctantly to his feet and stretched down a hand to Finn. “Thank you. You came—” Poe shook his head. “Thank you.”  

Finn used the wall to push himself up, pausing at a spasm in his back. He held in his groan and took Poe's hand, hunching a little. “I'm glad you're okay with me coming over. We didn't talk about it. I thought I'd make things worse.”  

“Shit, shit, shit—” Poe held Finn up and rubbed his back a little. He’d seen that crimp in Finn’s brow often enough to know what that meant. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”  

“You're okay, baby, I promise. My back was already fucked. Slept on it wrong.” Finn snorted at himself. “Fell asleep on the fucking couch. I know better.”  

“Oh. ‘M sorry. I was—" Poe shook his head, frustrated with himself. “I was going to do something nice for you tonight. Talk with you. Something. Not make you take care of me. Fuck. I'm sorry.”  

Finn squeezed Poe's hand and began hobbling to the stairs like he was 80 years old. He wished fleetingly for Poe's cane, and then he had a vision of them doddering down the street, all grey and wrinkled and using canes, walking to their brunch date at the Farmstead, and smiled at the thought.  

“Shit,” Poe said frantically, slipping an arm around Finn’s waist and trying to help support him. “Shit, fuck, I’m sorry. Can I—I don’t think I can carry you, and definitely not up the stairs. Can I help you? Please?”  

Finn made it to the wall by the stairs and collapsed against it. “Fuck, okay, yeah, worse than I originally thought.” He started easing against the wall, straightening his back. “I'm so sorry, babe, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I was just trying to help. Fuck. Um. How's your knee? And we need to clean up your knuckles.” Finn groaned as he was able to straighten completely, then sighed in relief. “I was going to try and be chivalrous and carry you up the stairs but that's not in the cards.” He cursed himself left, right, and center for the anxious look on Poe's face. “I'm okay, seriously.”  

Poe leaned against the wall next to Finn, took his hand, and stared at their entwined fingers for a long time.

“Ok,” he said at last. “Look. This has been a shitshow. Today. I’m—I’m fucking sorry. Um. We can do this. We just need to—to sleep, and relax, and—and get back on an even keel.” He took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts. “You shouldn’t walk home like this. I shouldn’t drive like this. You should sleep in my bed tonight. If you’re okay with that. I don’t think it’s a great idea to sleep together when I’m—when. Now. I’ll sleep on the couch. And we’ll—we’ll talk about this later.” He swallowed. “Can I—can I help your back? Something?”   

Finn hung his head. “I'm so sorry, Poe. I came here to take care of you and I let you down.”  

“Finn, no—look, neither of us are okay right now. We’ll—we’ll be all right. We just need to rest a bit, get back to normal again. Okay?” Poe traced the furrows in Finn’s brow. “You’re _wonderful,_ baby. You _came.”_ Poe’s voice cracked. “I wasn’t _alone._ You—” He ran out of words and just rested his forehead against Finn’s, breathing the same air. “I love you.”    

“I—I—I can't stand the thought of you being alone. You never have to be alone, Poe, not while I'm around, I promise,” Finn vowed, voice intense.  

Poe hugged Finn gently, letting him keep leaning against the wall, and buried his face in Finn’s shoulder.  

Finn raised his hand, wincing at the pull of muscles, now that Poe couldn't see it, and stroked through Poe's hair. “Love you,” he murmured.  

“I love you too,” Poe sighed. He straightened up and cupped Finn’s face in his hands. “What do you need, baby? Can I help you up the stairs?”  

“I need, um. I need to.” The stairs looked unfathomable. “Maybe just walk a bit, loosen it up.” Finn pressed his hand to the wall to steady himself. “How's your knee?”  

“It’s fine, I’m fine. Uh. Well. My knee is fine. Um. Can I help you? Anything?”  

“Walk with me?” Finn held out his hand.  

“Of course, buddy.” Poe took Finn’s hand. “Can I—hold you up, a bit? Would that help?”   

Finn patted the cement wall. “Should do the job. Christ, I'm so fucking sorry, Poe. You're in no shape to be babying me.”  

“Not babying, fuck, just—giving you what you need.” Poe started up the stairs beside Finn, pausing at every step to let Finn set the pace. “We’ll have to talk later, okay? About how we can care for each other, and ourselves, and—just—balance all of that shit. Right now, we just both need to get to safety.”    

Finn nodded, set his head down, and bore himself up the stairs, one at a time, squeezing Poe's hand, his back screaming.  

“Jesus,” Poe muttered. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so fucking sorry. You’re so brave, my god. You—you can do this. I know you can do this.”   

“You're—you're the brave one,” Finn huffed out when they'd made it to the kitchen, and he collapsed into one of Poe's chairs.  

“I don’t even know where you get ideas like that, buddy.” Poe stroked Finn’s arm. “I have ibuprofen, and some stronger painkillers too. Heat pad, massage, lotion—would any of that help?”     

Finn looked up at him. Poe didn't look so guilty anymore, he decided. Maybe taking care of him gave him something to focus on. “Ibuprofen…harder stuff scares me. Please. Thank you. I love you. All of it.”  

“Ok, buddy. On it. Offer stands for a massage, or anything like that.” Poe fetched pills and water for Finn, determinedly not thinking about why Finn would be scared of opiates.  

Finn downed the pills and about half a glass of water. “How are you doing? I'm good for an ear, If not the cuddling right now.” He smiled a little. “My hands are free for holding, too,” he said with a wiggle of his fingers.  

“Thank you.” Poe dragged a chair up beside Finn and took his hands. “I don’t know. I mostly just need to get to sleep. Is there anything else I can do to help you?”  

“If we're okay—when we're okay in the morning, I wouldn't mind a massage.” Finn traced around Poe's palm. “Are you hungry? I could slap something together when the ibuprofen kicks in.”  

“No, buddy, sit. You didn’t eat? Shit, what time is it? I'm not as talented as you, but I could scrounge up some dinner for you.”  

“Baby, you look like you're about to fall asleep on that chair. Don't worry about me.” Finn brushed a hand over Poe's cheek. “Alternately, I get to the couch, you can sit in my lap and we can keep cuddling.”  

“Let me get you something to eat, okay? It’s my fault you’re over here.”  

Finn gazed into Poe's eyes, saw the determination there. He wasn't happy with the guilt but it was better than the wild eyes he’d had before. “Okay.” He didn't attempt to lean over to kiss Poe, but pressed his fingers to his own lips and brought them to Poe's cheek. “I'd love a sandwich. Whatever you've got that's easy.”  

“I can do sandwiches.” Poe got up and gathered ingredients from the fridge, trying to remember what Finn had put in their sandwiches at the beach. No, never mind that. Who was he kidding? He’d just try to make something edible.

Finn unashamedly sat back and checked out Poe’s ass while the other man looked through the fridge. Jess would probably call him a perv, but—one did _not_ pass up the opportunity to check out Poe Dameron’s ass, _sorry Jess._  

“Ok.” Poe set a plate and a glass in front of Finn. “I hope that’s reasonably decent. But I probably need remedial sandwich-making lessons, let’s be real. I don’t really give a shit about what I eat.”  

Finn just gave him an arched eyebrow and bit in —turkey and cheddar, little mayo and mustard, and it was going down like a dream. “Mmm,” he hummed appreciatively. “It works.”  

“Yeah? I’m glad, buddy.” Poe sat next to Finn again, bone-weary. Maybe he should eat something too? He’d normally just huddle somewhere for the evening and wait out the panic. But sitting next to Finn, here, now, he felt almost normal, or at least within throwing distance of normal.  

“Mmm’oo’wan’some?” Finn offered, holding his sandwich out.  

“I’m good. Thank you.” Poe hesitated, then got up to get an energy bar. At least that was something, and it didn’t require any brainpower to make or eat.  

Finn demolished the sandwich and sat back, embarrassed and flushing slightly. “Guess, um, guess I was hungry. Thank you. It was perfect.”  

“That’s okay, buddy. I’m glad you liked it.” Poe set the dishes in the sink, decided to wash them tomorrow, and turned back to Finn. “What else do you need?”  

Finn worked on straightening. “To tuck you into bed.”  

“No, buddy. You’re in the bed. I’m on the couch. Can I help you there?”  

“You’re going to wake up disoriented,” Finn said with a frown, crossing his arms over his chest.  

“I’ll be _fine._ You’ll wake up feeling better, I hope.”  

Finn felt his mouth set in a hard line, and he was just vulnerable enough to have the gesture remind him of his father. His brows furrowed as he shoved the intrusive thought aside. “Okay, but—but under protest,” he said, managing a bit of a smile.  

“Noted.” Poe stepped closer to Finn, took his hands, and kissed them. “What do you want to do now?”  

Finn stood, testing his back out. It creaked and groaned, but he was able to get up. “Ta-da,” he said under his breath, then colored as he looked at Poe. “Um. Not sure I’ll be able to do that particular magic trick again. Do you, um, want to lie in bed with me for a bit? Oh—I could read to you.”  

Poe took a deep breath. “I think I just want get to bed, buddy. But, um. Can I help you there? Give you a bit of a massage?”  

Finn took a minute step toward Poe so he could pull Poe into his arms. “God, yes, please,” he finally broke. “But only if you want to.”  

Poe smiled a little and slipped his arm around Finn to support him. “Come to bed, buddy.”  

The walk back to the bedroom was better than the trudge up the stairs, at least. Just one for in front of the other, using the wall and Poe for supports. Reminded him of PT in a way. “You're prettier than my physical therapist, though,” Finn mumbled, then colored when he realized he'd said it aloud.  

“What?” Poe laughed. “Well.” He fluffed his hair a bit with his free hand. “I try.”  

When they got to the bed, Finn collapsed down on the closest side, then tightened his entire core so he could roll over once for Poe. When he'd accomplished his task, he buried his face in the pillows and let out a long, muffled groan. “I don't know if taking my shirt off is going to happen, baby,” he croaked.  

“That’s okay. I mean, I’m pretty good at undressing you by now. But if that would hurt too much, that’s fine.”

Finn tried a wiggle that was meant to help him get his shirt off, but he collapsed in defeat and shook his head. “You can try, I just—don't think I can help, sorry,” Finn whispered in the verge of tears. God, how had he fucked this up so much?  

“You’re okay, sweetheart.” Poe abandoned undressing Finn in favor of sitting on the bed next to him and stroking his hair. “I’m so sorry it hurts.”  

Finn gave the verbal version of a shrug. “I brought this on myself.” Poe's hand felt amazing in his hair, though.  

“Look, buddy,” Poe sighed. “We’re going to take a few days to get back to ourselves, and then we’re going to talk about this, okay? It’s not your fault. You came to help me. If anything, it’s my fault, but I’m pretty sure if I even try to say that, you’ll protest, so I won’t bother. Let’s…just…move on, okay? No need to blame yourself.”    

Finn twisted his head a little to smile up at Poe. “Damn right I'd protest. Baby, I'm so glad you sound like you again. All reasonable and adult and sexy.”  

Poe snorted. “If that turned you on, then this talk might be more fun than I thought.”  

“You will _always_ turn me on, Poe. Even when I can't do anything about it,” Finn said with a groan.  

Poe laughed a little and settled into massaging Finn’s back. “Tell me if I’m doing it right, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”  

“If I hiss, just keep going. Don't be gentle.”  

“You—really?” Poe stopped. “I don’t want to hurt you.”   

“The knots gotta release one way or another. It has to hurt before it gets better, believe me.”  

“Ok,” Poe said, instead of _there is no way in hell I could ever watch you hurt under my hands._ He kneaded down along Finn’s spine, as gently as he could.  

Poe's light touch wasn’t really doing anything to help the pain, but fuck, his hands were warm, and soothing. Finn hummed a little.  

“What’s that song?”  

“Think it might be Almost There from the movie yesterday,” Finn admitted. “That happens a lot to me, getting Disney songs stuck in my head.”  

“Mmm? I had no idea you were such a Disney fiend.”  

Finn smiled. “Yeah, romance novels and Disney. I've gotten really good at avoiding real life in favor of romance.”  

“What do you mean, avoiding real life?”  

“It's just another type of drug, isn't it? A fantasy to escape in.”  

“Maybe, but it doesn’t hurt you. Just makes the rest of life easier to handle, doesn’t it?”  

Finn considered this quietly. “I think my jerkbrain has been talking.”  

“Well, that makes two of us, huh.” Poe worked his way down to Finn’s lower back, wincing himself at the mass of knots beneath his fingers. “You’ll be all right, sweetheart.”  

“So will you. I'm so glad you're—you're not—I'm glad.”  

“What?”  

“I just wish I could've been there, to fight them off for you, to make it never happen,” Finn admitted. “No one deserves to feel the way you do, baby.” A single tear fell over his cheek. “No one.”  

Poe kneaded the same spot in silence, staring at the bed. “Well,” he said at last. “Same back at you.”  

Finn worked his hand out from under him and held it out. “Love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe gave up on the massage—his gentle touches clearly weren’t helping, and there was no way he could risk hurting Finn right now, not when he was still one hair-trigger away from a panic attack. He took Finn’s hand, sat down on the bed, and rubbed his thumb over Finn’s knuckles.  

“Hold that thought,” Finn murmured, dropping Poe's hand, and using his strong core to roll himself over again. He took Poe's hand back and rubbed circles into his palm. “You should try to get some sleep, baby.”  

Poe nodded silently. “Can I bring you anything?” he asked at last. “Your pills, or pajamas, or something.”  

“Pills are for morning, but—" Finn blushed. “I could use some help getting my jeans off. No funny business, promise.” His cheeks were flaming. God, how he hated asking for help like this.  

“Told you, I’m a pro at taking your clothes off.” Poe traced over Finn’s forehead, hating the pained wrinkle pressed deeply into it. “And buddy, I vaguely remember some nice guy saying once he didn’t mind when I needed help, or a cane, or anything. Same goes, okay?” He slid a hand down to Finn’s waistband and popped the button.

Finn nodded, offering Poe a bit of a smile. “Yeah. That guy seems really nice.”  

“Damn right he is. Oh! I’m a fucking idiot! Here.” Poe pulled the cane out from behind his bed and propped against the wall by Finn’s nightstand. “If you need to get up during the night, or something. Would that help?”  

Finn’s smile grew wider. “Yeah, it might help. Um. Should I try to be quiet, though? I mean, obviously, but, like when you shower?”  

“What do you mean?”  

“If I have to get up at night, will I trigger you?”  

Poe frowned for a moment, thinking. “I don’t think so.”  

“'Kay. One last thing.”  

“Uh-oh.” Poe slid Finn’s jeans down and off.  

“Thanks, baby,” Finn murmured. “My one last thing is, can I give you a goodnight kiss?”  

“Of course.” Poe cupped Finn’s face and kissed him, slow and sweet.  

Finn swept his hand through Poe's hair and returned the kiss as gently and full of love as he could.  

“Good night,” Poe murmured, resting his forehead against Finn’s. “Wake me if you need me, okay? Same as always. Just holler.”  

“Same goes, okay? If you need—if you need a reminder of who and where you are, wake me up.” Finn stroked over Poe's cheek one last time.  

Poe snorted. “If I don’t know who I am, I sure as hell won’t know you. But, um. Thank you.”  

“Goodnight, baby. Love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe kissed Finn's forehead one more time, then slipped out of the room and turned off the light. He washed up quickly, then curled up on the couch and tucked the throw blanket in around his shoulders. _Please, God. Please, please, please._

There wasn't much that Finn could do except lay in bed, counting breaths. No way he was clenching or unclenching any muscles right now. Laying in bed, feeling his back knot and release, it was like he was back in the hospital. Good ol' days. _Fuck._

Sometime around two — _why does Poe's clock seem so judgey? —_ he woke from the fuzziness of not real sleep and worked his way out of bed. To his relief, his back was no longer screaming. Instead, the dull ache of knots reminded him that he was, indeed, human, if he thought of forgetting any time soon. Still, he took the cane just in case, guided himself along the wall, and made his way to the bathroom. On his way back, he looked quietly in on Poe, saw nothing that worried him, and shuffled back to Poe's bed. He downed a few more ibuprofen and eased back down, managing to get himself under the covers this time.

Morning was blurry, mostly. The rough night had worked a haze over Finn's brain. The red numbers on Poe's clock jolted him into wakefulness, though, when he realized they only had a half hour to get to work. He stumbled out of bed, using the wall, though his back was feeling better-ish. Good enough that he could change his underwear and lean down to pull his jeans up. He could mostly walk without a hunch, too, but didn't relish the idea of leaning over cars all day.  

Poe woke with a start and fell off the couch. After reorienting himself, he picked himself up off the floor and scrubbed his face with his hands. _This is why I don’t have a coffeetable,_ he grumbled. _Shit fuck is it morning already?_ Faint sounds from his bedroom snapped him out of an exhausted stupor. _Finn! Shit._

Poe crept towards the bedroom, saw that Finn was already up, and hovered in the doorway. “Hey,” he rasped.  

Finn paused in the middle of refreshing his deodorant and jumped a little. “Oh, hey, I didn't hear you.” He crossed the room with barely a limp and wrapped his arms around Poe. “How are you?”  

“Almost human.” Poe relaxed into Finn’s arms, glad to see him at least vertical, although clearly not quite okay yet. “How about you?”  

“My back doesn't hurt like a mother fucker. I probably shouldn't try to work on a car until I can get to my massage therapist, though. I'll call this morning. Would you mind if I did paperwork in the back? Are you going in today?”  

Poe smiled in relief. “Of course I don’t mind, baby. I was going to suggest exactly that. Or staying home, if you want, it’s really okay. I thought I’d have to persuade you to take it easy today.”  

Finn leaned his forehead against Poe's. “I know I can be stubborn, but I try to learn from my mistakes, especially when they have such painful consequences. Believe me, Irina’s going to be reading me the riot act for letting it get this bad.” He lifted his hand to cup Poe's neck. “But I'm glad you're feeling almost human. Anything I can do to help get you the rest of the way there?”  

“I’m sorry I couldn’t—couldn’t help you yesterday. Give you a real massage.”   

“It's okay, baby. I wouldn't have been able to do it for myself, either. My loofah can only do so much. And your hands felt good, anyway. There's nothing quite like a back rub,” Finn murmured as he rubbed over Poe's.  

“You don’t need to make me feel better,” Poe said softly. “I just wanted to apologize.”  

Finn stiffened. “Oh, um. I accept, then.” He frowned, though. “I don't really think you need to apologize.”  

Poe tried to smile. “Well. Okay.” He stepped back a little. “Is there anything you need now? Anything I can do to help?”  

“I asked that before. Can _I_ do anything to help you?”  

“Oh. Uh. I don’t think so? I just need—” Poe waved a hand. “A few days. Of just—normalness. To get back to feeling okay.”  

“Okay, well, offer stands, okay? If you think of anything. Even if it's, dramatic sigh, a makeout session on your couch.” Finn smiled a little, trying to find what ‘normal’ might be for Poe. “I mean, after my back can handle it.”  

“Thank you.” Poe nodded. “And you? Anything I can do?”  

“I'll let you know, promise.”  

“Okay. You too, all right?” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek, then turned to the bureau to pull out a fresh set of clothes for the day. There was no way in hell he was going to attempt a shower this morning, but the thought of going to work looking as gross as he felt was humiliating as always.   

“Be right back,” Finn murmured, and headed down the hallway, slowly, to be sure, but not hobbling like last night. In the bathroom, he didn't bother with shaving, just splashed some water over his face. He made his way to the kitchen and took his pills and another dose of ibuprofen. Back at the bedroom, he stuck his head in. “If I made toast for myself, would you want some?”  

“Sure! Thank you, sweetheart.” Poe washed up, then joined Finn in the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, unsure what to say.  

Finn busied himself with the quiet task of toast, buttering, then glancing at Poe. “Butter? Jam?”  

“Cinnamon.” Poe unfolded himself from the counter, fetched the little jar, and joined Finn by the toaster. “Doesn’t actually cure everything, but it feels like it does. I also have all the random spreads you could want, feel free.”  

“Cinnamon sounds good, will you show me how?” Finn asked quietly, smiling over at Poe.  

“Very complicated. You watching closely?” Poe shook the little jar of cinnamon sugar over the buttered toast, then held out a slice to Finn. “There’ll be a quiz later.”  

“I don't think I quite got the technique, show me again?” Finn grinned as he took a bite. “Mmmmm. Okay yeah, this is great. I used to do this with tortillas. Microwave, butter, a little cinnamon and sugar if I thought I could get away with it, roll it up, mhmmm.”  

 _Thought I could get away with it—_ Poe’s smile wavered, but held. He took his own slice and touched it to Finn’s. “Maybe you can show me that sometime, if you want.”  

Finn shrugged. “This is just as good. Will get me through the morning anyway.”  

“Well, that’s a good start. Can I make you lunch? Another sandwich, or something?”  

“That would be great, but I can help today.” Finn took another bite of cinnamon toast and smiled at Poe.  

“Well.” Poe waved a hand at the kitchen. “Make yourself at home. I won’t force my horrible cooking on you. But I’m happy to make you something, if you want.”  

“Do you want a sandwich? We could set up a production line.”  

Poe laughed. “How about I slap together a Poe-sandwich, and you craft yourself a Finn-sandwich, and we meet at the door?”  

Finn grinned, happy and relieved to hear Poe's laugh. “I'm not a snob, you know. I do eat quote-unquote normal food.”  

“Yeah, but you care about 400% more about what you put in your mouth than I do.” Poe pulled out bread and sandwich fixings.  

“Not entirely true, I can think of something you care a lot about having in your mouth.” Finn winked.  

Poe stared at him, eyes wide. “Well,” he said at last. “I think you’re feeling better.”  

“Sorry, too forward?”  

“No, you’re fine, that’s just…really not where my mind was headed, this morning.”   

Finn nodded. “It's not necessarily where mine is either, just. The opportunity was there.” Finn bit down hard on his lip to avoid saying sorry again as he spread mayo and mustard on his bread.  

“Well, I can hardly blame you for taking the opportunity to make a dick joke. That’s an important skill in life.”  

Finn laughed. “I suppose so, although you and Jess might actually be the only ones that think that.”  

Poe winked at him. “You’d be surprised how many people consider it a fine art.”  

“I mean, maybe being good at telling dick jokes has a correlation with giving good head. I mean, in you it does, anyway.” Finn leaned in to kiss Poe's cheek as he handed him the cheese and meat.  

Poe blinked. “It does?”  

Finn laughed. “Babe. I can only assume that question stems from the fact that you’ve never received head from yourself. However, as a recipient of a Poe Dameron blow job, patent pending, I'm the expert and you'll have to bow to my expertise.”  

“Jesus.” Poe shoved his sandwich into a plastic bag, then stared at it. “Patent pending? You fucking serious—yeah, of course you are, you’re too sweet to bullshit me. Well. I guess that means I’ll bow to your expertise.”   

“Damn right,” Finn said with a wink. He stuffed his own sandwich in a bag and started putting ingredients back.  

Poe grabbed his backpack, then scrubbed at his (hopelessly greasy, shit fuck goddammit) hair. “Take a rain check on that thought, maybe?”  

“Of course.” Finn crossed the kitchen, tucking some stray curls behind Poe's ear. “Let me know when you're feeling normal enough for that kind of thing again, and we'll work it out. No pressure whatsoever. I love you, baby.”  

“All right.” Poe bit his lip. “You ready to go, sweetheart?”  

“Just gotta get my stuff, I'll meet you outside?”  

“I can wait.” Poe smiled at Finn.  

Finn smiled back and went to pack his backpack. He slipped on his sneakers and headed back to the kitchen, studying his sandwich in the pack. “Ready.”

Poe took Finn’s hand and headed outside. “So, uh. Can we talk? About this. In a few days. When we’re both okay again.”  

Finn swallowed and nodded. “Yeah, of course.”  

“Nothing bad, I promise. Just—we both need to be better at taking care of ourselves, I think. Before trying to care for each other. I think that’s how we ended up in that shit last night.”   

“Yeah,” Finn admitted, hanging his head. “I'm sorry about that.”  

“It’s all right, man. I started it, I mean—I shouldn’t have come back to your place on Sunday, either. I was tired, I needed a break—I think that’s how I ended up going nuts yesterday, with in-in-intrusive m-memories.”  

Poe's admission made Finn feel even worse. It coiled in his gut, the idea that he was dragging Poe down, making him go backwards in recovery.

He walked silently for a little while, not trusting what was going to come out of his mouth. The dark voice was screaming, _screaming_ with laughter. The sound of it was going to drive him mad. _Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up-_

Before he could hyperventilate, he burst out with, “Good, um. Good. Yeah. A few days. Better. Um. We'll both have met with our therapists by then. Um, good.”  

“Yeah,” Poe said slowly. He tugged Finn beneath the shelter of the huge tree on the corner and set his hands on Finn's shoulders. “We're going to be all right,” he said, holding Finn's eyes. “Okay? You're all right, baby. It's just a speed bump. Nothing we can't handle, all right? We're going to figure it out.”  

Finn steadied himself in the warmth of Poe's eyes. “We're going to figure it out,” Finn repeated. “Because we work and don't give up. Not gonna give up.”  

“Damn right.”  

Finn nodded, taking Poe's hand and getting them moving again. “Thank you,” he whispered.  

“Of course, baby. I don't know if I—pushed a button there, or something. I didn't mean to.”  

“I just hate the idea that I'm bad for you. That I'm setting you back.”  

“You didn't do anything wrong, buddy. You're okay. That's exactly what I mean. I ignored my own needs, which was dumb. I knew what could happen, and I did it anyway, and then you ended up getting hurt too, and—and that's what I mean. I think we can stop that shitshow before it happens again.”  

Finn watched the sidewalk. “Thanks for—for saying all that and, and for not giving up on us either. That's, um. That's something I worry about a lot.”  

Poe slowed as they neared the garage, then kissed Finn by the entrance. “We can fix this, buddy.”  

Finn let his forehead rest on Poe's for a moment, breathing him in. “Yeah, we can.”  He vowed to himself to bring it up with his therapist.  

“You all right?” Poe asked softly. “You know you don’t have to come in if you’re not up for it.”  

Finn shrugged. “The work is quiet, but distracting. I, um. Actually like taking inventory?”  

“Careful,” Poe laughed and started into the garage, swinging their hands together. “I just might assign you there forever.”  

“I'd probably mind, eventually.” Finn nodded at Snap and Jess in the break room. “Morning, guys.”  

“Took you long enough.” Jess’ eyes skipped up and down the pair, snagged on Poe’s hair, and dropped back to her phone. “But it’s okay, you’re just in time. We were just talking about having another bowling night. You guys down to join? I promise not to flake this time.”  

“That would be fun,” Finn said, remembering the time before, when Jess had abandoned them. It had been the first time he'd been able to spend one on one personal time with Poe. Hmm. He should probably bring Jess some chocolate for that.  

Poe stuck his lunch in the fridge, then headed to the lockers to put on his coveralls. On his way out of the break room, however, his eyes caught on Finn’s stubble. _Shit, shit, shit._ How had he not noticed that earlier? He tugged on his boots and knelt to tie them, eyes stinging in sympathy.  

“I'll be in the back,” Finn announced, leaning over to give Poe a kiss on the cheek. He held in his groan as he straightened back up and reminded himself to schedule an appointment with his massage therapist.  


	35. A Game of Backgammon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe discuss how not to have a double shit storm again. Ain't mature relationship discussions grand?
> 
> Also, they play backgammon. Lights (Poe) explains the rules but I'm still confused - TLib
> 
> Putting this out because I felt like we needed to have a resolution to the shitstorm.

_ Done, motherfuckers.  _ Poe closed the accounting program and shut down the computer for the weekend. It just didn’t have the same satisfying  _ thunk  _ as closing a ledger, but he had to admit, it was a hell of a lot easier to not have to lug the accounts home every week. He stretched, then stepped out of the office—and nearly ran into Jess, already out of her coveralls and changing back into her street shoes. 

“Well,  _ someone  _ looks smug,” she grumbled. 

“Happy Friday to you too, dear.” Poe pulled his backpack from his locker. “Anyway, don’t you have that hot date tonight?” 

“Maaaaybe.” 

“You going to give her the knife talk?”

“Shut your face.” Jess stuck out her tongue at him and yanked her bag from her locker. “Also maybe yes. But either way, I’m getting laid, and so are you, and life is really good, isn’t it?”  

“I feel like I should bring in some 'congrats’ balloons, Jess.” Finn grinned at get as he walked in and to his locker, stopping to pat her gently on the arm, where she could see. “I'm happy for you, hun.”  

“See,  _ someone  _ around here is supportive of my dating life.” She smiled sweetly at Finn. “I’m happy for you too, honeybun. We’re just going to go get cake on Monday to celebrate without these two lumpnuts, right?”  

“Pretty sure if I snuck off to have cake without getting Poe some, we'd be kaput. I think not sharing sweets might be a deal breaker for him,” Finn joked, smiling at Poe, then slipping an arm around his waist and kissing his cheek. “Happy Friday, baby.”  

“And to you, you crazy man.” Poe kissed Finn back, then stepped out of his arms before he could get any ideas about disregarding the rules on the sign. 

“Happy happy yay.” Snap grabbed his bag, saluted Poe, and headed out the door. 

“Happy Friday to you too, Snap!” Poe called, grinning after him. “Don’t get into too much trouble.” He turned back to the locker room. “Jess, pick out a good bakery. Finn, have fun and then bring a slice back for me. I’m going home now. Text me when you want to come over?”  

Finn caught Poe's hand. “Um, did you want to do dinner together, or just,” his voice went lower, “just talk?”  

Poe shrugged. “Whichever you want? Either way is fine with me.”  

“How about I grab tacos on my way over?”  

“Now do you see what I mean about your keen strategic mind?”  

Finn smiled, glanced at Jess’s retreating back. “Yeah, nothing like tacos and heavy but necessary relationship talk.”  

“Hey, it’s better than talking without tacos, right? Anyway, I really don’t think it needs to be a heavy talk. We just need to, you know. Figure shit out.”   

Finn leaned in to brush his lips over Poe's. “I'm going to go for a run, clear my mind, hit the taco shop,  and come over. Seven sound okay?”  

“Seven sounds perfect.” Poe kissed Finn back, then headed outside and locked up the garage. “Tacos and talking. I like this.”  

“I like it, too. Very mature of us. We’ll figure it out yet, huh?”  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed Finn's knuckles, then grinned at him and started off towards his house. “See you in a bit.”  

Finn blew a kiss over his shoulder and headed for home. He'd finally managed to get an appointment the day before after babying his back for the last few days. Today was the first time he'd felt like running since last Sunday, and his blood was already roaring at the thought of it. 

He liked the rail path, and took it again today, letting the beat of his feet and his heart subdue his anxiety. It was a beautiful late May evening, late enough, Finn realized, that it was already Memorial Day weekend. He'd get to register for summer classes next Tuesday.  _ Shit,  _ he thought, and wasn't quite sure if that was a good shit or a bad shit. 

He showered, shaved, and changed, hoping absently that once they'd figured their shit out, they'd be in the mood for something further. 

It was a little after 7 when Finn knocked on Poe's door bearing tacos and a grin.  

Poe opened the door, then couldn’t help grinning right back at Finn. “Hey, baby.” He kissed Finn’s cheek, then beckoned him inside. “I think you smell better than the tacos, but I’ve gotta say, it’s a pretty close call.”  

“I'd say I could get some taco scented cologne but I think that's just weird,” Finn said with a wink and a please blush. “Kitchen? Living room?”  

“Nah, I’d rather Finn-scented tacos, but that’s even weirder.” Poe led Finn into the kitchen, where he’d cut a little jarful of flowers again for the table—zinnias this time, they were blooming already.   

“Aww, baby, I love the flowers. Hey—did you remember it's Memorial Day? I don't know where my mind was, but I totally forgot.”  

“Oh, shit.” Poe frowned at him. “Um. I forgot too. There’ll be fireworks at night—I've never minded very much, although I definitely don't like them, but, um. Will that bother you?”  

“Like a big show or individuals? I can normally make it through a program, if I know when it's happening. It's the random shit people shoot off at random hours that gets me.” Finn began unpacking the tacos, chips, and salsa. “I got carne asada.”  

“Mmm, see? What was I saying about your excellent taste?” Poe laid the dishes out on the table. “Yeah, there’s a big show over the lake, but there are usually some random fireworks too. Um. It’s hard to get completely out of earshot, but there are some places that tend to be pretty quiet. I can text some of the guys from group, a couple of them have a spot they usually stay at to get away from the noise. And, you know, there’s always the basement with earplugs and a loud fan.”  

Finn nodded. “That would be great, actually, if you could text them. Misery loves company.” He took two tacos out and doused them liberally with hot sauce. “New Years, once I left the party, was not good. Took me a little while to recover from that.”  

“Shit, seriously? You never said—even in group, when Ed asked if anyone was worried about the fireworks, you never said anything. I’m sorry, buddy. Wish I could have helped.”  

Finn ducked his head. “It took me awhile to share anything, remember? I. Um. I'm good  _ now _ about asking for help but even two months ago…”  

“Mmm.” Poe thunked into a chair and took a couple of tacos. “Yeah. Well. I’m glad you’re asking now, buddy. I’ll—hang on, why don’t I text them right now before I forget.” He fired off a pair of texts, then shoved his phone back into his pocket. “So. Um. Hopefully we’ll get that straightened out. I mean, you’re welcome to stay with me, but I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to help. Or ask your therapist, he probably has some ideas of how to manage it.”  

“I'll remember to put ear plugs in, too.” Finn chewed a bite of taco and thought. “It's probably a good segue to what we need to talk about. I talked with Dr. Ramirez about what happened. And, um, I know objectively that pushing myself tends to only set my recovery back further. But I'm not great about making that decision in the moment, and that's something I need to work on.”  

Poe nodded, watching Finn’s face. “Well. Same. It sounds like that’s the problem for both of us. Did you, um. Come up with any ideas for how to make that decision?”  

“It runs back to checking in with myself. We, um. We ran through a list of things I could do for that. To make myself more aware of how I'm feeling, physically or mentally.” Finn looked down. “It's—it's going to be tough. I know that's what recovery is, it's tough.” He looked up again, held Poe's eyes. “But it's worth it.”  

“Damn right.” Poe leaned back in his chair. “One thing I was thinking about was, um. I’ve—I’ve been dealing with this for—for years now. I know how to handle it, more or less. So, um. As wonderful as it was to have you there, the other day, it really wasn’t worth you getting hurt. So, I don’t know, maybe if you can remind yourself of that. If we can help each other without getting hurt, that’s great. But it’s not worth it to help at our own expense.”  

Finn nodded. “That's, um. Just really hard to accept, you know? I hate the idea that you're hurting, and I could help.”  

“I know, buddy.” Poe reached across the table to take Finn's hand. “And that’s incredibly sweet of you. But—just—it goes both ways, okay? I hated that you got hurt trying to help me. I would never want that. All right? So, maybe think of it as helping me by helping yourself? Does that make sense?”  

Finn chewed the thought over, trying to mash it into sense. “When you told me you thought that helping me on Sunday afternoon caused what happened on Monday—I—I—I—it was a really dark moment.” Finn plugged his ears briefly, trying not to remember the dark voice’s laugh echoing through his head. “So, um. That's, um, a really good point. I hate the idea of hurting you more than just you hurting in general.”  

Poe slid off his chair and knelt by Finn’s. “Sweetheart. You’re okay, all right? We’re just going to stop and breathe for a sec, okay?”  

Finn nodded, counting out breaths with Poe. “I never want to hurt you, Poe. Never—nev—" he broke off and counted again.  

“I know, love.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “And you haven’t. All right? You’ve never hurt me, ever. What happened this week was not your fault, not in any way. I chose to come back on Sunday afternoon. I knew the risks, I knew I had reached my limit, and I blew past it. That was stupid of me, and I’m going to try my best not to do that again. But that’s something  _ I  _ did, not you. Okay? You’re all right, love.”  

“It was—it was stupid of me to ignore my back.”  

“Oh, I see how it is.” Poe smiled a little. “If I insist you weren’t stupid, that probably means I wasn’t either, huh?” He took Finn's hand. “You’re not stupid, baby, and you never will be. You’re one of the smartest men I know. You were worried for me, and you came to help. Because you care about me, and you didn’t want me to be alone. That’s incredibly sweet of you, not stupid. All right?”  

Finn smiled back, squeezing Poe's hand. “Yeah, you saw right through that, didn't you? Smart cookie.” Finn leaned over to kiss Poe's cheek. “You are sweet, and smart, and I love you. And we're going to get better at making sure our love for each other doesn't hurt each other.”  

“Damn right.” Poe stretched to his feet before his knee could begin to whine about the kitchen floor, then settled back into his seat. “And that reminds me, shit, I was going to start this whole thing off by saying—I mean, I don’t  _ think  _ this has to be an intense talk, but I know you get anxious, so—I just wanted to say that if you ever need to stop, or pause for a bit, just say so, okay? Use the colors, if that’s easier. We’re in no rush.  We can stop whenever you want to.” 

“That makes a lot of sense. I like that. Same goes, okay?” Finn resumed eating his tacos. “My therapist had me think through what I should do if that happens again. Um, I don't have a lot of great solutions, but I thought maybe I could bring you upstairs, if you'd been okay with that. Or, um, I could maybe have laid down, or brought some cushions from the couch down. It wasn't—it wasn't a life or death situation. I had—I had time to think, I just didn't. I reacted.”  

“It seems like you were pretty scared,” Poe said softly.  

Finn shrugged. “I wasn't sure—wasn't sure what you were like with that state of mind. If you'd accidentally hurt me. I didn't want to, um, take chances. And I wanted to help, and. Well. I guess it makes sense, with all that going on in my head, that I forgot to take care of my back.”  

Poe nodded. “I’m sorry you were scared,” he said. He scuffed his toe along the floor. “I’m not, um. I’m not really sure what you should do next time, other than make sure you’re taking care of your back. And the rest of you. Um. You could try bringing me upstairs? But I’m not sure I’d want to go anywhere. Cushions are a good idea. Or, you know. It’s really okay to stay home. I snap out of it, eventually. It just takes time.”  

“Don't take this question to mean that if you answer positively, I'm going to hurt myself again to help you. But, um. Was I helpful at all? Was it better to have someone there with you? Or was it the same as being by yourself?”  

Poe looked down at his hands. “It was better,” he whispered. “It was—it was a lot better.”  

“Then, um, I'd like to try again, next time. Whenever.” Finn got up to wash taco juice and hot sauce off his hands. “But, um.” Finn gripped the counter. “It was really good to have you there, Sunday night, strok—stroking my hair as I fell asleep. So, um. I'm going to need you to tell me no, but I think we should use colors there too. So I'll know you aren't—that it isn't  _ me.”   _

“It’s never you.” Poe propped his chin in his hand and watched Finn, trying to read his expression. “But yeah, of course. That’s a really good idea.”   

Finn leaned against the counter and nodded. “I know it's—it's a lot to accommodate, with me. I know I ask a lot.”  

Poe crossed to Finn and took his shoulders. “You ask for as much as any human deserves, Finn. To be safe. To be loved. To have all of your needs met.”  

Finn wrapped Poe in his arms and laid his head on Poe's shoulder. “I love you.”  

“Love you too, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s shoulder.  

“So, um. We have a plan now? Saying no is okay, use the color system, hurting ourselves hurts each other, so avoid at all costs.”  

“That—” Poe blinked. “That sounds like a really good plan. Wow. Is that it?”  

“I have it on good authority that I'm a very smart man.” Finn smiled against his shoulder. “I think that's it? Now we have to live it, though.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “Well. You are a very smart man, and remarkably persistent, too. We can do this.”  

“Yes, we can,” Finn murmured, tipping his face up to capture Poe's mouth. 

Poe relaxed into Finn’s kiss, letting Finn’s solid warmth ground him in the moment. “Is there anything else we needed to talk about?” he asked at last. “While we’re at it.”  

“Nothing on my list, you?”  

“No.” Poe kissed Finn again, then stepped back and held out his hand for a high-five. “So, we did it, right? We’re done?”  

Finn gave Poe a solid high five and laughed with delight. “I think so?”  

“Phew.” Poe thunked his head down to Finn’s shoulder. “Ok. That was fun. Oh! Wait! One last thing, sorry, I just remembered—I’m sorry I didn’t text you to say I was leaving. I have a—a list, of what I need to do when I’m not okay. How to get home safe, and all that. What to do to try to bring myself out of it. Number one is to text Snap, so I did, but I hadn’t thought to put you on there yet. So I did, on Tuesday. Um.”  

“Sweetie.” Finn cupped Poe's cheek. “Thank you. I really appreciate that.”  

“Of course.” Poe kissed the inside of Finn's wrist.  

“What do you want to do now?” Finn murmured. “How are you feeling?”  

“Good.” Poe went to clear off the table. “How about you? You’re all done with dinner?”  

“I'm feeling good.” Finn helped pack away garbage and leftovers.  

“You came back a changed man after that massage yesterday.”  

“If she wasn't happily married with like five children, and I didn't love you so much, I would have dropped down and proposed to Irina right then and there.”  

“Well. I’ll have to get a couple of muffin baskets one of these days, huh? One for her, in thanks for the massage, and one for her husband, in thanks for the kids.”  

“Yeah, well, she would have kicked my ass for kneeling so soon after a massage anyway.” Finn put the leftover tacos in the fridge and performed a toe touch for Poe, wiggling his ass. “All good now, though.”  

“Well.” Poe nodded solemnly. “That’s good. That’s very good.” He wiped down the table, then leaned against the counter and admired the play of Finn’s muscles beneath his shirt. “What, um. What did you want to do now?”  

Finn shrugged. “We could watch something? Or cuddle? Or, um, make cookies? Or I could go home.”  

“Those all sound good.” Poe ran a finger along the counter. “Oh, um. When I got home today, there was a, uh, box on my front step.”  

“Yeah?” Finn tossed the empty hot sauce containers away.  

“Yeah.”  

Finn looked over at Poe, leaning against the counter. “Are…are you trying to make me guess what you got, or…?” 

“Trying to get up the nerve to say it?” Poe hid his face behind his hands. “It’s, um. It’s the stuff. That we got.”  

Finn’s eyes widened. “Oh!  _ Oh. _ ” He coughed, and blushed, and was half hard in three seconds. “Oh. Um. Are you…are you feeling like doing that kind of thing?”  _ Really, Finn? ‘That kind of thing?’ The man has been inside you in all the ways he can be, and you can't say sex aloud? _ “Sex. Are you interested, or do you still need some time?”  

“I’m always interested, buddy.” Poe peeked out from between his fingers. “On the other hand, we’ve hardly had a chance to talk all week. So, um. I’m down for whatever you want to do. Cuddling, or a game, or—or sex, or anything.”  

Finn came to stand in front of Poe. “It's a little early yet. What kind of game did you have in mind? I like cards.” He captured Poe's hands and swung them a little.  

Poe shrugged. “Whatever you want. I’ve got cards, Scrabble, backgammon…”  

“Do you have a cribbage board?”  

“Cribbage? Wait, that’s the game with the pegs and shit, right? A couple of my pilots were obsessed with it. I don’t have one, sorry.”  

“Yeah, that's where I learned it too, this guy named Nines taught me.”  

“Nines? Is that a name?”  

“Nickname, his ID just ended in like four nines in a row. Weirdest fucking thing.”  

“Oh, nice,” Poe laughed. “Well, I can try to find a cribbage board one of these days. I’ve never actually played.”  

“It's addictive. What do you like?”  

“I’m good for anything, man. Up to you.”  

“I've never played backgammon, want to teach me?” Finn grinned, feeling playful and light and happy.  

“Oh, shit,” Poe sighed. “Sure, what the hell. You’re going to crush me.”  

Finn laughed. “What makes you say that?”  

“Keen strategic mind, remember? I'm doomed.” Poe dug the game out and settled it onto the kitchen table, figuring that would be easiest on Finn's back.  

“Want a water refill?” Finn asked, grabbing his glass from the table.  

“Sure! Thank you.” Poe unfolded the veneered wooden board and unloaded the pieces.  

Finn refilled their water from the spout on the fridge. “Where'd you learn backgammon?”  

“There was, uh.” Poe started setting up Finn’s pieces, concentrating on getting the numbers right. “There was a volunteer. At the hospital. Nassim, this old Lebanese guy. He taught me.”  

Finn smiled and set his hand on Poe's knee. “I'm glad you had someone.”  

Poe nodded and started to set up his own pieces, columns of black counters on the lacquered arrows of the board.  

Finn watched him, then scooted his chair closer so he could ring an arm around Poe's waist and press a kiss on his temple.  

Poe kissed Finn back, took his hand, and angled the board between them. “Ok, so this is how it goes. These are your pieces—” he nodded at the columns of red counters posted at intervals around the board— “and that’s your home space.” He nodded at the decorative arrows in front of Finn. “You want to walk your pieces all the way around the board until you’ve collected all of them in your home space. I’m going to do the same for the black pieces, but in reverse. All right? On each turn, you roll the two dice, then move. You can use the numbers any way you want to—say, for example, you roll a two and a five. You can move one piece two and then five, or five and then two, or you can move one piece five and another two, etc. If you roll a double, you get to use the number four times, which can be a great leg up. If you land on one of my pieces, out there all by its lonesome, you knock it into the time-out zone, which is a Rude Thing To Do because it means I have to start that piece all the way back at the beginning. If I have more than one piece on an arrow, you can’t land there at all. Once all of your pieces are back in your home space, you’ll start taking them off—I’ll explain that when we get there. Does that make sense? Any questions?”  

Finn watched Poe's face as he taught him. “I love you.” He shook his head. “Sorry. I swear I never found teachers hot but I'd let you explain things to me all day, baby.” He took Poe's lips, briefly, and grinned. “I think I need to see it played.”  

“Oh, good. Maybe I can at least win the first game.” Without letting go of Finn’s hand, Poe rolled one of the dice. “Highest roll goes first, using the numbers we both roll.”  

Finn reached out to roll his first die. “Aw, I think mine is rigged,” he complained when he rolled a one.  

“No complaints here.” Poe grinned at him and moved his pieces—six and one, doing just fine.   

“Like this?” Finn rolled a three and a five, and moved his pieces.  

“Exactly. That was a perfect move, because now I get to—” He captured one of Finn’s counters with two of his and set it on the spine of the board. “I’d apologize, but I'm really not sorry.”  

“What'd you say? Rude? I think if you make my counters move back you should have to kiss me, just to balance the scales.”  

“Hmm.” Poe pondered this, then yanked Finn in and kissed him with a loud pop. “Well, okay. I think that’s fair.”  

Finn grinned dopily and threw his dice. “Oh, wait, double fours, what does that mean?”  

“That means you get to move your pieces four spaces four times. You can move one piece four times, four pieces one time, or any combination.”  

Finn studied the board, then executed a series of moves that had him removing one of Poe's pieces with a small, “Ha!” and a thorough kiss on Poe's lips.  

“Dammit,” Poe sighed. “This is why I never leave a man behind, if I can help it. I thought maybe you wouldn’t be watching too closely yet.”  

“Always watching,” Finn said in an imitation of Roz from Monster’s Inc. He settled into the rhythm of the game, and the warmth of Poe's body.  

Playing with Finn was almost like playing drunk, which Poe hadn’t done since that time he lost his shirt—no, really, the shirt he’d been wearing that day, it was a nice one, bright green—to Snap. He fixed his eyes on the board and bit his lip, trying to pay attention to what he was doing.  

Finn should have remembered Poe's competitive streak from bowling. Still, it was less a desire to let Poe get ahead, and more a desire for something else that had Finn leaving himself open and vulnerable. He wondered if Poe would notice.  

Poe picked up the dice, then set them down again and squinted at the board. “Buddy, you’re not even  _ trying.”  _

“I'm trying for something,” Finn murmured in Poe's ear before pressing a kiss just below it.  

“Oh, is that how it is?” Poe wrapped a hand around the back of Finn’s neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. “I thought you were the one who said oh, it’s too early for sex.”  

“Yeah I think I used up all my smart in our talk earlier,” Finn whispered against Poe's lips. “That and I don't know how I'm supposed to just—just  _ exist _ around you without being turned on.”  

“Well,” Poe sighed. “That’s unfortunate, because here I was hoping you could give me some tips on existing around  _ you _ without being turned on.”  

“We're pretty hopeless, I think.” Finn kissed him again, drugged and sweet.  

“Damn right.” Poe braced himself against the back of Finn’s chair to keep from toppling right into Finn’s lap. “But hey, you knew I was going to win, right? You’re just trying to distract me so you can get out of losing.”  

Finn stuck out his tongue and rolled his dice. “We'll see about that, buddy.” He made his moves and arched a brow at Poe.  

Poe settled back into the game, biting his lip in concentration.  

Finn knew he was going to lose, but at least he could give Poe a run for his money.  

“Double sixes!” Poe crowed, rubbing his hands. “Hah! That’s the best fucking roll you can get—” He looked down at the board and belatedly remembered that Finn had nabbed one of his counters—he’d had no choice! there had been nothing else he could do! damn it. And of course, of  _ course _ Finn had a stack right where his counter would need to land. “No,” he groaned. “Nooooooo. Screw you. You are the worst.” He tossed the dice to Finn and shook his head. “All right, that does it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.”  

“Mmm, I'm shaking,” Finn murmured, shivering up against Poe's side. He held Poe's eyes and blew in his dice. “Okay, I can work with that,” he said at the four and six.  

“You’d better,” Poe grumbled. “Watch out, world. Comeback time starts  _ now.”  _

Finn watched in delight as Poe concentrated on the game with a furrow in his brow. Finn met him move for move, or tried to, at least. He wasn't a backgammon prodigy, no matter what Poe had insisted. And all he really wanted to do was slide Poe in his lap and make out.  

“Now  _ that’s  _ how it’s done!” Poe moved his last piece into his home row and grinned at Finn. “Now comes the fun part—taking them off. When all of your pieces are in your home row, you roll, same as usual, but instead of moving a piece, you take a piece off the board. So if you roll a five, you can take one off the fifth column. If you don’t have any in the fifth or sixth column, you can take one off of the fourth column. If you roll a number and you have no pieces in that column, you can move a piece that number instead, as long as there’s room to do so. Got that?”  

“Got that I'm getting my ass handed to me,” Finn muttered with a nod.  

“Hey, not yet. I still have to roll properly and get my pieces off the board. And now that I’m safely out of commission, you don’t have to worry about leaving your pieces unattended, so you can just rush on home.”  

Finn kissed Poe on the cheek. “You're such a sweetheart.”  

“Nah, don’t worry. I’m still going to crush your ass. But you do have a real chance to get ahead. You never know.” 

“Mmm, I  _ hope _ you crush my ass tonight.”  

Poe stared at the dice for a minute, trying to remember how to count. “Uh,” he said at last. “Mmmph.”  

Finn rolled favorably and did a little boogy in his chair.  

“Come on, man, you distract me and  _ then  _ get a good roll? You play dirty.”  

“Well, I play with what I've got.” Finn watched Poe's face. “Is it a thing to be completely turned on by someone being confident at something? I think that's what you do to me. I've been half hard since before you told me the rules.”  

_ “Really.”  _ Poe stared at Finn. “You know, I thought you were sitting kind of funny.” He grinned a little. “I have no idea if it’s a thing, but if it is, I’ve got it too. When you’re cooking, and you know exactly what you’re doing, no wasted motions, and your hands are just—your  _ hands  _ are—” Poe shook his head, dazed.   

“Yeah?” Finn threw the dice and sat back. “We never said what the winner would get, you know.”  

“Everlasting glory and bragging rights.”  

“Mmm. Well, I wanted the winner to fuck me, but I guess that works, too.”  

“Hmm. But what if  _ you _ win?”  

“Didn't you want to see me finger myself?”  

“Oh, I see how this works.” Poe took another pair of counters off of his side. Finn was getting even, but not quite fast enough.  

Finn cursed as his roll did nothing.  

“Tough break, man.” Poe stacked the next pair of counters on top of the rest just for fun, crossing his fingers that the tower wouldn’t fall over.  

“Mm, either way I'm getting fucked, right?” Finn's next roll had him removing counters and he grinned wolfishly.  

“Mmm.” Poe blew on the dice and rolled them.  

Finn squirmed in his chair. He really shouldn't have started this, not when Poe didn't seem like playing along. Now he was hot and bothered and losing.  

“And we’re down to the end!” Poe propped one hand in front of his mouth like a mic. “One and six versus…ooh, you do have a problem there, huh? Four counters on the fifth column, two counters on the first, that’s going to take a while. Let’s see what you got…”   

Finn rolled his dice and squealed. “Hey, that makes it look a little better.” He stuck his tongue out at Poe.  

“You didn't…shit, you seriously got double fives? Damn. What were you saying about loaded dice? This means you win next time, no matter what you get, unless I get a…five and six! Woohoo! Take that, motherfuckers.” Poe stacked his last two counters on top of the tower, which promptly collapsed and scattered his pieces all over the floor.  

Finn laughed, and kissed Poe thoroughly for good measure, to show Poe he wasn’t a sore loser.  

Poe toppled straight into Finn's lap and kissed him for all he was worth. “There, see? Your first time, and already a photo-finish ending. I'm going to milk this one as long as I can before we play again and you kick my ass.”  

Finn repositioned Poe’s legs so he was straddling him, and brought him down for another kiss. “Mmm. And to the victor go the spoils.”   

“Mmmph?” Poe managed, dazed. “Mmm.”  

Finn ran his hands up Poe’s thighs and squeezed into his ass. “Mmhmm.”  


	36. To the winner (of Backgammon) go the spoils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe asks for something a little different in bed.
> 
> CW: Panic attack, hurt/comfort

“Jesus. I thought we were going to talk or something—oh, fuck, yes, do that again.”  

Finn complied, sinking his fingers into Poe’s delectable ass again, then rested his forehead on Poe’s, breathless. “We can talk. Yeah. Sorry. That whole fucking game was like foreplay for me so I might be a little ahead.”  

“I’m,” Poe panted, “mostly on board. I just. If we're going to use the toys. We should talk first. Clothes on. Boners off. Or we could try them some other day and just—mmmph—just—keep going with this. Cuddle, and—and yeah.”  

Finn groaned. “God, what a choice.” He ran a hand up Poe's back, delaying while he tried to clear his brain enough to decide. “We have extra days this weekend, assuming everything goes okay for us at night. I, um. I've been getting myself off all week to the idea of wearing the plug for you while I did my homework or worked in the garden or something. So I guess I'm saying it doesn't have to be tonight.”  

_ “Mmmph.”  _ Poe’s breath caught at the idea. “Yeah. Uh. Yeah. That would be—yeah. Jesus.” He closed his eyes. “Um. So. Talk tomorrow? And then try them?”  

“Yeah. Give ourselves clear minds, and time.” Finn squeezed Poe's ass again. “Sound good?”  

“Good. Good. Very good. Mmmph.” Poe took a breath to clear his brain. “Cuddling. Cuddling first? I feel like I haven’t seen you all week.”  

“I know.” Finn nuzzled up against Poe's cheek. “I missed you, baby. I know we needed time but I'm glad we're back.” Finn peppered light kisses over Poe's skin. “Cuddle on the couch or in bed?” He grinned. “And can I carry you, now that my back is in working order again?”  

“Mmm, really? I thought you’d probably need more time to get better. I’m a fan of the bed, usually. More room to move and less almost falling off.”  

Finn kissed Poe again. “You're probably right. Give me a few more days.” Finn spread his hands over Poe's back and squeezed him in for a hug before releasing him and sitting back in his chair with a dopey grin on his face. “You're just so—so fucking sexy. You knock me over dead.”  

“Yeah?” Poe flushed. “Um.”  

Finn brushed over Poe's cheek. “You are, baby.” He brought one of Poe's hands to his lips. “We talk a lot about you being incapable of lying, but I hope you know me well enough by now to believe the same thing about me.”  

“I know you mean it,” Poe said hesitantly. “But it still feels like a lie? I don’t know how to explain it.”  

“I'm sorry your jerkbrain thinks that.” Finn tried to put as much love into his face as he could.  

“Yeah.” Poe shrugged. “Well. My jerkbrain’s always been a pretty slow learner.”  

“But it can learn, so there's hope.” Finn cupped Poe's cheeks and kissed him again. “Let's go cuddle.”  

“You say that—” Poe stretched to his feet with a groan— “because you haven’t been arguing with it for the last seven years. Thirty-two years. Whatever. It’s a stubborn idiot.”  

Finn followed, making sure to stretch his back before sliding an arm around Poe's waist. “Well, we're pretty well matched, then. Or our jerkbrains are.” He slid his body alongside Poe's. “And maybe our other parts, too.”  

_ “Definitely  _ our other parts.”  

Finn walked them through the house to Poe's bedroom, losing contact briefly when he crossed over to his side of the bed to climb in, and immediately opening his arms for Poe as soon as he was comfortable.  

Poe slid in beside Finn and snuggled into his arms. “There, see?  _ All  _ of our other parts. God, you feel so good.” He ran his fingers along the hem of Finn’s shirt. “Can I?”  

“Please do,” Finn murmured, leaning back to give Poe better access.  

Poe pulled Finn’s shirt off, tossed it over the side of the bed, and ran his hands up Finn’s chest.  _ “Beautiful,”  _ he murmured. “So fucking beautiful.”  

Finn stretched and preened under Poe's touch. “You can stop that never.”  

“Well, okay.” Poe grinned at him. “I think I can do that.”  

Finn’s fingers rubbed lightly over Poe's stomach. “And can I?”  

“Please.”  

Finn worked Poe's tee up over his head, then shivered and sighed at the feel of Poe's skin on his. His hand sunk into the smattering of curls across Poe's pecs. “Pretty sure I'm the luckiest fucking guy on earth right now.”  

Poe pressed his lips together against a smirk. “You’re not fucking anything right now.”  

“Hoping that'll change soon,” Finn replied with a grin.  

“Mmm. Yeah?”  

Finn sighed happily. “Yeah.”  

“Do you—would you—”   

Finn placed a hand over Poe's heart and waited.  

“Um. Would you ever want to—uh—switch?”  

Finn beamed up at him. “Whenever you want, baby. I'll admit, I fucking love being, well, fucked. But I can do both.” He cupped Poe's cheek. “I just want to make sure we're not triggering anything for you.”  

“Yeah?” Poe bit his lip. “I mean, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t need. I just—” His shoulders jerked up, down.  

Finn leaned up to brush his lips over Poe's. “It seems like maybe you do want it, sometime. And I'd be happy to give it. Fucking ecstatic. I think we've established that I'm an ass man. Specifically  _ your _ ass.”  

“Yeah?” Poe pressed his fingers to his lips. “I do want it,” he whispered.  

“I'm proud of you for telling me, baby.” Finn hugged Poe close. “Do you want that tonight?”  

Poe buried his face in Finn’s chest, waiting for his breathing to slow. “I don’t know? Um. I’m down for pretty much anything. Whatever you want.”  

“I could just finger you, if you wanted. It'd be a good first step.” Finn swept over Poe's back, feeling his panicky heartbeat against his chest. “Or we could table it for now.”  

“That—that would—”  _ Finn’s fingers in his ass.  _ “That would be really nice. Um. Wow. But only if you really want to. What do  _ you  _ want to do tonight?”  

“Be with you. Get off at some point.” Finn grinned.  

“Well, that’s a good start.” Poe grinned back. “I am definitely on board with that plan. But, um. Specifically. What do you want to do?”  

“I'd love you finger you. Love on you. Show you how special you are to me.” Finn shrugged. “The way you make me feel.”  

“Really?” Poe’s face heated. “I’d, um. I’d love that. God, I’d love that.”  

Finn kissed Poe again, sweet and slow and sure. “What positioning would work best, do you think? Like when I blow you?”  

“Mmmph?” Poe blinked at Finn, dazed by his kiss. “Oh. Um.” He thought for a moment. “Well, um. When I, um. When I think about it. We’re side by side, and I can feel you against me, all of you.”  

“We can do that, too. How do you feel about getting a little more naked?” Finn flashed him a grin.  

“Mmm. Um. Maybe—not quite yet? I—I missed you.” Poe traced the line of Finn’s jaw. “Anyway, I think I used up all my bravery in talking about it. I kinda need to recharge.”    

“That's okay. This feels nice.  _ So _ nice. I'm glad you missed me, I missed you, too.”  

“Yeah?” Poe snuggled in closer. “What did you do all week? Other than listen to Irina’s riot act.”  

“Watched a lot of Chopped while alternately icing and heating my back. Thanks for letting me work in the back all week, by the way.” Finn nuzzled at Poe's neck.  

“Of course! Anyway, it let me get some more time on the cars, which I always love. Did you, uh, chop anything? Get chopped? Learn how to chop?”  

Finn laughed lightly against Poe's skin. “Mostly just marveled at the hubris of some of the contestants.” He ran his fingers through Poe's curls. “I'm glad you're back to feeling human.”  

“Mmm, me too. Thanks for, um. Helping me get there.”  

Finn continued to stroke through Poe’s hair, loving the soft look on Poe’s face, the love he saw in Poe’s eyes. “You’re welcome, honey.”  

Poe kissed Finn, wrapped his hand around the back of Finn’s neck and pulled him in close. “We made it,” he murmured. “Right? We made it through.”  

“We made it. And we’re going to make it again, and again.”  

“Damn right.” Finn’s lips were by far the sweetest thing Poe’d ever tasted, which was saying something. “I love you.”  

“I love you right back.” Finn fell into Poe’s kisses, letting himself be swept away again and again.  

Poe lost track of time while they kissed, bodies aligned, legs tangling together.  

Finn rested his head against Poe’s chest, his heart knocking, pleasure tingling down to his toes. He couldn’t—couldn’t even describe to himself the amount of comfort and warmth and love he felt, being here in Poe’s arms.  

“You know,” Poe mumbled against Finn’s lips, “I used to really like Fridays. Pick out a good movie, kick back on the couch. Maybe go bowling with the gang, go to Snap’s and play cards, go out with Jess and hear about her latest dating problems. Definitely  _ not  _ think about you or wonder what you might be doing, ever, because whenever I did, it just—”  _ Hurt.  _ “Just drove me nuts. I—” He rested his forehead against Finn’s. “I had no idea what I was missing.”  

“I wasn’t doing much,” Finn admitted. “Slowly trying not to go crazy, being all alone. Trying not to regret moving here, away from where I could just go to a club, dance my mind out, and let someone fuck me in the bathroom.” Finn’s fingers involuntarily clutched at Poe’s bicep. “I moved here to get away from that, to try and—and forge a different life.” He shook his head. “But it was really fucking hard.”  

“Oh, sweetheart.” Poe stroked Finn’s arm. “Do you ever—” He hesitated. “Do you ever regret it? Being here, and not—not going to clubs anymore?”   

Finn shook his head again. “No. I was using it to avoid—to avoid slowing down, and letting myself access memories and emotions I’d locked up tight. Moving to Santa Lorena  didn’t just slow me down, it brought me to a screeching halt.”  

“That…doesn’t sound like a good thing, buddy.”   

Finn buried his face in Poe’s chest. “I’m probably not explaining myself right. But, um. I  _ needed _ to move on if I was going to survive. But the first few months here were really rough.”  

“I’m sorry, buddy.” Poe stroked Finn’s head. “God, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you made it through that point.”  

“Yeah, well. Me too,” Finn said softly. “I survived, and it was worth it, to get to here.” Finn wrapped his arms more tightly around Poe’s body.  

“I’m glad.” Poe kissed Finn’s hair and rocked him a bit. “I’m so glad you’re here, sweetheart.”  

Finn let himself take comfort in Poe’s embrace, pressing kisses over Poe’s heart and humming a little.  

Poe laughed quietly. “And hey, if you ever miss the clubs too much, we could always go to one? There must be one in…maybe Sacramento, definitely San Fran. Or we could make one in the living room. You could wear what you normally wear to clubs and put on a playlist, we could dim the lights, grind a bit, I don’t know, whatever people do.”   

Finn’s mouth went a little dry at the thought of Poe grinding against him with  _ that ass _ . “I like this plan. I like it a lot.” He kissed Poe softly. “I’d like to take a weekend away with you, sometime, though. I’m—I’m—I’m so fucking  _ proud _ to be with you. I’d love to show off to the world.”  

“Yeah?” Poe’s voice cracked. “God, Finn. So am I. Talk about arm candy, and—and soul candy? Is that a thing? It is now. The way you are in the world, I just—it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful, and so are you.”    

“Soul candy,” Finn said softly, trying it out. “I really like that.” He kissed along Poe’s jaw. “Wanna walk with you through San Fran, out and proud and happy and  _ alive. _ ”  

“Damn right. Oh god, I’d  _ love  _ that. Get a picnic and go hike above the bridge, look down on the city. Sit with you in the sunshine, on top of the world.”  

Finn beamed at Poe. “That settles it. As soon as I figure out my summer schedule, you and I are sitting down and planning this out.”   

“It’s a deal.” Poe kissed Finn’s collarbone, then smiled to himself. “And I think we could make a mini club here sometime. Just us. You could wear the plug, while we dance. So you’re open and ready, whenever I want to fuck you.”  

Finn choked a little, half gasp, half laugh. “Yes, yes, I really like that plan. Fuck.” Finn pressed his hot cheek to Poe’s, and rolled his hips, and his cock, against Poe’s body.  

“Yeah?” Poe smirked at him. “Hoped you would.”  

“Devious. I love it.” Finn kissed Poe, right on the smirk. “Though I think I'd only want that to, um, be something we did here. I know I had semi-public sex before, but it, um, wasn't really a kink. I don't know if I—if I want to associate you with that time.”  

“No, no, definitely! I get that. And I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable with that either. No, I just meant—at home. Just us. And only if you want to.”  

“I think I can handle at-home-just-us,” Finn said with a smile. He drew Poe into another kiss, then pulled back. “Do you have any other fantasies about me—and the toys? Or, um. Other toys?”  

“That’s about it,” Poe admitted. “I mean, we haven’t even tried these out yet. Do, um. Do you?”  

“I. Um. I may have spent some more time on that site where we got these, just poking around. Ha, poke. But I’m with you. I want to try these out first. Oh god, how I want to try these out first.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned and kissed Finn, nibbling on his lip a bit. “I’m glad, baby. We’re going to have fun. I hope. Um. Did you have, um. Did you have an idea of what you wanted to start with? What you wanted to do?”  

“The plug. I want to wear the plug for you. Want to see what it feels like, how long I can wear it, what I can do while I’m wearing it, if anything. Want to be open and ready for you to fuck, too.” Finn rolled his hips against Poe’s again and hummed a little.  

“Mmm.” Poe stroked down Finn’s ass. “God, I can’t wait.”  

“Mmmhmm,” Finn hummed in agreement. “What’s on the docket for tomorrow?”  

“Whatever you want, baby.” Poe squeezed Finn’s ass a little. “No plans. Get you some herbs for your windowsill? Plant those tomato babies?”  

Finn smiled warmly. “That sounds great. And, um, maybe explore the contents of that package?”  

_ “Now  _ you're talking.”  

Finn kissed the smile off of Poe’s face, arching into Poe’s body.  

Poe kissed Finn back with everything he had. With a gentle nudge, he rolled Finn onto his back and braced himself up on his elbows, slowly rocking his hips against Finn’s.  

Finn swept one of his hands over Poe’s firm back and down to his decidedly less firm ass, tracing over his crack with his fingertips before squeezing. All the while, their lips were locked, and Finn couldn’t help but make little sounds in his throat that Poe drank down.  

Poe shuddered at Finn’s touch and pressed closer against him. “Can I,” he croaked, and ran a hand over the waistband of Finn’s jeans.  

Finn nodded against Poe’s neck. “Yes, please, yes.”  

Poe fumbled with the button, then unzipped Finn’s fly and slid his jeans down and off. He ran a hand over the stretchy black of Finn’s boxers and cupped Finn’s bulge in his palm.  

“Mmmph,  _ Poe _ ,” Finn moaned, arching up into his hand, trying to get more of the delicious friction.  

“Yeah?” Poe slipped his fingers beneath the elastic of Finn’s boxers and started sliding them down over Finn’s cock. “I’ve got you, baby. Going to take care of you.”  

Poe’s fingers felt like heaven over his cock, all rough and callused and firm and perfect. Finn drew him down for a kiss, pouring all his feelings into it.  

Poe tossed Finn’s boxers off the bed, held on tight to Finn’s arms, and kissed Finn back with everything he had.  

Finn’s hands dropped to Poe’s waist. “Can—” he panted, trying to catch his breath after the searing kiss. “Can—can I?”  

“Yeah.” Poe lifted his hips up to give Finn better access.  

With a lot less finesse than Poe had shown, Finn thought to himself, he divested Poe of his jeans and boxers and kicked them off the bed, sighing happily—and with just a little greed—at the sight.  

Poe settled back down over Finn, then caught his breath when his cock brushed against Finn’s. He kissed Finn’s collarbone, then rested his head on Finn’s shoulder, trying to gather himself. “What,” he managed. “What do you want to do?”  

Finn cupped Poe’s cheek and met his eyes. “I’d like to—I’d like to finger you, if you’re feeling up to it.”  

”Oh, shit,” Poe said faintly. “I would  _ love  _ that. Oh god. Yes please.”  

Finn kissed him sweetly. “Will you lay down for me, baby? Make yourself comfortable?”  

“Yeah.” Poe rolled off, then hesitated, wondering how to position himself. “How, um. How do you want me?”  

“Every way,” Finn joked, leaning over to kiss Poe’s chest. “But I think we should try with you sitting up partially, like we did before. That’s an easy position for us to stop, or take our time in.”  

“Hmm.” Poe chewed on his lip. “I’d really like to—to be in your arms, somehow. It’s—it’s comforting. To feel you against me. Can I—would this work?” He rolled up to his side, facing Finn, and cocked his good knee up.  

Finn smiled at the sight Poe made before him. “Oh yeah, that works. You look like a centerfold. My own personal centerfold.” He drew Poe up against him and kissed him soundly.  

“Yeah?” Poe wiggled a little. “Happy to be your personal pinup girl. Boy? Whatever. Maybe I should make you a calendar, one of these days?”

“I’m not going to turn you down, that’s for fucking sure.” Finn sat up, leaning over Poe to get the lube, before settling Poe back down in his arms. “Has—um. Have you done this for yourself recently?”  

“You go straight to the important questions, huh?” Poe flushed. “Um. Uh. I don’t very often, but, um. Sometimes. A little more often recently, thinking about, um. You.”  

Finn kissed Poe’s cheek, flushing with pride. “Well, that’s good to hear.” Wanting to get Poe back into a more calm headspace, Finn brought him back in for more sweet, slow kisses.  

“Mmmph. Have I ever mentioned how much I love your kisses? A lot. I like them a lot. Oh god.” Poe relaxed against Finn’s chest.  

“You may have said something a time or two. Always bears repeating, though, to make sure my jerkbrain really lets the message through.”  

“Well, that’s not hard to do.” Poe grinned at Finn. “Happy to say it as often as you need, baby.”  

Finn smoothed a hand over Poe’s hip and kissed him again.  

“Really, though,” Poe panted, when he had to break away for air at last. “Your kisses. Good. So good. Fuck, what happened to my brain.”  

“Who needs a brain?” Finn whispered in Poe’s ear, sucking on a spot below his earlobe. Below, Finn opened the lube one handed and slicked up his fingers. As he pressed more kisses to Poe’s jaw line, then across his lips, Finn circled Poe’s rim with one of his fingers.  

“Mmmph.” Poe clung to Finn’s arm for an anchor. “Hope I don’t need a brain,” he croaked. “I don’t think mine’s coming back until tomorrow, at the earliest.”  

“That’s all right, because I’m going to take care of you, Poe. You don’t need to think right now, just feel.” Finn nudged the blunt end of his finger inside the tight ring of muscle at Poe’s entrance, running around the rim and feeling it loosen. “That’s it, baby.”  

_ “Jesus.” _ Poe dropped his forehead to Finn’s. “God, that feels—I forgot how different it feels when it’s someone else’s finger.”   

“Right?” Finn said with a soft chuckle. “So fucking good. You’re so warm, baby.” Finn brought Poe back for another kiss as he continued to work Poe open with his finger.  

“Oh god.” Poe closed his eyes and hung on tight to Finn's arm. Finn’s finger inside felt so fucking  _ weird,  _ holy shit. Had it really been seven years since anyone had—yeah, it had. But it felt so fucking  _ right,  _ too—like he was where he was meant to be in the world, pressed up against the man he was meant to be with.  

Finn kept a careful look at Poe’s face, his eyes squeezed shut, the rapid beating of his heart and his quick breath. “Color, Poe?”  

“Gr-green. Green. Jesus, Finn. You’re so good at this.”  

Finn smiled against the skin of Poe’s neck, then pressed a kiss there. “Thanks, honey.” He eased another finger in with the first, letting them scissor and stretch, not yet searching for Poe’s prostate.  

“I see what you mean about full,” Poe murmured, slightly dazed. “It does feel good. So good.”  

Finn let his free hand splay over Poe’s back, holding him tight. “To me, sometimes, it’s like I’m empty without it. Less so now than before, but still. It’s like a palpable ache I get when you’re near me.” He hooked his fingers now, searching for the bundle of nerves that would take Poe to greater heights.  

“Oh, baby.” Poe kissed Finn. “You telling me I should keep you filled all the time, huh?”  

“Why do you think I have all those fantasies about you fucking me over every available surface?” Finn sucked at Poe’s throat and circled his fingers, searching, searching.  

“Fuck!” Poe jerked in Finn’s arms. “Oh, fuck. Fuck. Oh god.”  

Finn grinned. “Shhh, baby, you’re okay. I mean, you are, right? Still green?” He paused his fingers over Poe’s prostate, memorizing the spot.  

“Yes,” Poe croaked. “Green, very green, oh fuck, can you do that again?”  

“Gladly,” Finn murmured, watching Poe’s face with delight as he rubbed over Poe’s prostate again, and again, in a steady rhythm.   

“Oh,” Poe groaned. “Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh.” His hand tightened on Finn’s arm. “Keep this up and I’ll—I’ll come, did you—did you want—”  

Finn slowed, swirling his fingers in a teasing motion instead. “Do you want me to fuck you?”  

“I—” Finn’s fingers felt  _ so fucking good,  _ melting Poe’s brain to warm slush. “Don’t know? Yes? Maybe? I don’t know. Fuck.” 

Finn kissed the furrow in Poe's brow, and made an executive decision that Poe wasn't enthusiastically consenting. “I want to see you come from this. I want to watch it go over your face, and know it was me.” He swirled his fingers again and added a third, crooking them over the sweet spot inside Poe.  

_ “Fuck.”  _ Poe buried his head in Finn’s shoulder. “God, yes. Mmmph.” His precum-slick cock slid over Finn’s abs as he rutted against Finn. He gripped Finn’s arm to keep himself grounded, overwhelmed with the way Finn’s fingers filled him to the brim.  

“You think you can come just from this? It's my favorite thing, coming on someone's fingers, or my own. Not even touching my cock, just inside me. Best fucking feeling, isn't it. Makes you want to come all over me, come all over my stomach.” Finn arched his hips, rutting himself against Poe’s hip. “You're gonna make me come just watching you.”  

“Mmmph?” Poe reached down and jacked their cocks together with an unsteady hand, dimly aware that Finn was talking about something. His entire body was lighting up like a star, centered around the spark of Finn’s fingers on his prostate. “Going to. Oh, god. Going to—”  

“Come for me, baby,” Finn murmured, watching the pleasure swamp Poe's senses. “God, you're so fucking beautiful.”  

Poe came with a startled cry, arching against Finn, head thrown back, eyes screwed shut.  

Finn stroked Poe's prostate a few more times before bringing his slick fingers around to circle his own cock and jack himself. He watched the quiet ecstasy on Poe's face and felt a surge of power run through him.  _ I did that. I did that because he trusted me. _ With his own groan, Finn's hand shuttled over his cock, his free hand stroking over Poe's sweat-soaked hair. “Love you, love you, love you,” he cried, succumbing to his orgasm, letting his cum mix with Poe's between them. “Love you,” he whispered, he vowed, he promised, as his frantic movements ceased and he settled into the quiet of Poe's arms.  

Poe drifted back to reality in a dizzying aileron and tried to catch his breath. “Talk,” he croaked, shifting closer to Finn. “Talk to me.”  

“You're so fucking pretty, Poe. Love to watch you come. Love you watch you lose yourself in it. Love to see you let go. Love you, love you,” Finn babbled, running over Poe's back slowly.  

“Mmm?” Poe curled up into Finn’s arms, shivering slightly. “Oh.” He stretched in place, trying to re-ground himself in his body.  

Finn stroked over Poe's face. “You with me, baby? Please don't tell me I overfucked you. Is that a thing?”  

“Hmm?” Poe blinked at him.  

Finn's heart beat rapidly again, in anxiety this time. “Are you okay? Poe? You're not—are you with me?”  

The panic in Finn’s voice brought Poe crashing back down to earth. He nodded, trying to find his words again, then cuddled closer into the reassuring warmth of Finn’s body.  

Finn curled around Poe, holding him tight and trying to will his panic away. This was—he did this, right? After a session—scene?—with Poe, it was like he was floating away on a cloud and he was unresponsive. Maybe that's what this was for Poe, god he hoped that's what this was for Poe and that he hadn't just caused Poe to disassociate.  _ Fuck, fuck, shit. No. It's fine. You're fine.   _

Somewhere between breathing in Finn’s familiar scent and resting in the right circle of Finn’s arms, Poe started to slide back into his body and his life. “What?” he rasped, shaking his head to clear it. Finn had asked him a question, right?  

“Are you okay?” Finn whispered.  

“I think so?” Poe shifted a little, feeling the lingering memory of Finn’s fingers in his ass. “Holy fuck.” He stared at Finn, still dazed, then noticed the furrow in Finn’s brow with a jolt of alarm. “Shit, are  _ you _ okay? What did I do?”  

“You're okay?” Finn cupped Poe's cheeks and searched his face. “You're back? I didn't hurt you?”  

“No! No, baby. You—god. I’ve never felt so good.”   

Finn held Poe's eyes as he bit down on his lip. “I, um. Got scared for a second. That you were disassociating. Glad it was okay.”  

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Poe managed to bring a hand up to cover Finn’s on his cheek. “I’m good. I'm really good. Also a little out of it. I think I could sleep for a year or two. Are—are you okay?”   

“I'm okay,” Finn said, willing his heart beat to slow. He wrapped Poe tight in his arms and buried his head in Poe's chest. “Prostate orgasms are no joke, huh? Mmm. Let me hold you for a few more seconds and I'll go get something to clean us up.”  

“Few more years,” Poe mumbled into Finn’s hair. He stroked Finn’s back and closed his eyes. “You did well, sweetheart,” he added sleepily. “You did really, really well. Thank you.” He kissed Finn’s hair. “For taking care of me. You’re—you’re so  _ good.”  _

Finn felt the last vestiges of panic sweep away in the wake of Poe's compliment. “Thank you, baby. Love you. Love making you feel good. You make me feel so good, so I want to do it back.”  

“Oh, you did, that’s for sure.” Poe snuggled up against Finn with a soft groan. “Felt any better, I’d melt right into the pillows. Did—did you feel good? Was it okay?”  

“Yeah, of course. Came watching you come. You're so pretty when you come. Fuck, you're so pretty.” Finn captured Poe's lips and eased Poe back onto the sheets. “I don't really want to leave your arms,” Finn admitted. He scooted down, tracing over Poe's chest with his fingers, following with his mouth, cleaning Poe up as he went. He licked greedily at their mixed cum, lips soft on Poe's stomach and cock.  

“Oh, god. Baby, you don’t have to—I can—” Poe reached down to Finn and swiped a drop of cum from the corner of his mouth. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”  

Finn took Poe's thumb in his mouth, sucking off the cum he'd taken, before kissing up Poe's body again. When he was level with Poe, he kissed him sweetly, slowly, wrapping him in his arms. “I wanted to,” Finn murmured against Poe's lips. “Don't want to leave your arms for reality just yet.”  

“Me neither.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and pulled him close. “God, baby. You’re so good to me. So—loving, and—and the way you took care of me, I—” He shook his head, out of words. “I—” He cupped Finn’s face in his hands instead and kissed him in lieu of everything he didn’t know how to say.  

Finn fell into the series of kisses with Poe happily, willingly. They were languid, and tired, and made Finn feel floaty and warm and comfortable. He was pretty sure he could exist solely on Poe's mouth. He was-

**_BOOM._ **

The explosion jolted Finn out of Poe's arms and sent his heart rate through the roof. “Shit—”  

_ FUCK FUCK FUCK NO—  _ “You’re okay,” Poe said, eyes intent on Finn’s. “You’re okay, baby. You’re safe, We’re safe. Everything is okay. Do you want to—do you want to put on earplugs? Come to the basement with me for a little while?” He reached towards Finn, unsure whether it was safe to touch him.  

Finn cringed, waiting for another explosion, one that would rip his back apart, rip his life apart. He reached for Poe's hand and nodded frantically. “Pl-please. Um. Cushions.”  

Poe held on tightly to Finn’s hand. “I’m going to take care of you, all right? You’re safe, with me. Right here. We’re all safe. We’re going to be okay.” He rolled off the bed, yanked the blanket off with his free hand, and handed it to Finn.  _ Distract him.  _ “You’re going to carry this, okay? I’m right here. We’re going to gather what we need and go downstairs, where it’s really really quiet.”  

Finn wrapped his arms around the blanket and nodded, waiting for another boom. God he hated the anticipation. Never knowing when the next one would come. He heard a faint crackling noise, but Poe wasn't freaking out, so it couldn't be gunfire. Just fireworks. More fireworks. “Ear plugs,” he managed. “In my backpack.”  

“All right, buddy.” Poe grabbed two sets of sweats—it could get cold in the basement at night—and  _ Zen,  _ just in case. He nodded at Finn’s drawer. “Get what you need, okay? I’ve got clothes for us.”    

Finn rummaged until he found the ear plugs. “I'm going to put them in now, okay?” He twisted the orange foam and pushed it in, letting it release and fill the space, then repeated the gesture on the other side. Blessed muffled quiet sank down around him. He could hear his heartbeat, and it was rapid, but he could work on that soon, as soon as they got someplace safe.  

Poe smiled and squeezed Finn's hand. “How’s that?” he asked loudly. “Little better?”  

Finn nodded, squeezing back. “Cushions?” he repeated.  

Poe kissed Finn's knuckles. “We’re going to go down and drop this off first, all right? Take a couple of trips to get the cushions down.” He adjusted the bundle of clothes and book under his arm and led Finn down the basement steps.  

When they were downstairs, Finn squeezed Poe's hand and put himself in front of him. “Poe, remember. Um. Say no. Uh, colors, and—and don't hurt yourself.”  

“I’m all right, buddy.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “But thank you. See? This is who you are. You’re good to me. You're a good person. You’re going to be all right.” He set down his pile in the corner of the basement and nodded towards the stairs. “Cushions?”  

Finn nodded, following back up. The next explosion hit when he was on the stairs, but it was so muffled it sounded more like being at base while the action was going on elsewhere. Not panic inducing. He was safe.  

Poe looked back at Finn with alarm, but Finn’s set expression calmed him. Still okay. For now. He headed to the couch, then grabbed the first pair of cushions and handed them to Finn. “I’m going to get my pills now, all right? And some water for us, and then I’ll take the other set of cushions down. Do you need anything?”  

Finn shook his head. “Just need—” Another boom and he flinched. It was louder up here, despite the ear plugs. “Need to calm down.”  

“All right, buddy.” Poe set his hand on Finn’s arm. “One sec, okay? And then I’ll be right back here with you.” He ran to get everything he needed, then grabbed his phone too, just for good measure.  

Finn carried the cushions down the stairs and placed them on the floor. Mechanically, he grabbed a set of sweats and pulled them on. He sat on one of the cushions, attempting to get his disordered breaths back in line.  

Poe rattled down the stairs, arms piled high with the other cushions. He set them down next to Finn’s, arranged a pair against the wall so they’d have something to lean back on, and yanked on a set of sweats. “How’re you doing, buddy?”  

“Can-can you help me count?”  

“Of course, baby. Do you want me to—is it okay if I hug you?”  

“Yeah—yeah. I’m. Yeah, please,” Finn murmured, or thought he murmured, he wasn’t sure with the earplugs in.  

“You're all right, sweetheart. I've got you.” Poe carefully folded Finn into his arms, leaned back against the wall, and started to count with him, loudly enough to be heard through the earplugs.  

Slowly, Finn’s heartbeat steadied to normal, and he melted like a puddle into Poe’s embrace, barely even flinching at the next firework.  

Poe slowly rocked them in place, murmuring into Finn’s ear. “You’re okay, baby. We’re safe. We’re going to be all right. Everything’s going to be okay.” He checked that the cushions were set up right. “You comfortable enough?”  

“Think so,” Finn said, reminded himself he needed to check in with himself physically, not just mentally. He tested his back to see if it was in an okay position. “This should work,” he assured Poe, resting more comfortably in his arms. “Does this work for your knee? For, um, sleeping? Or should we do something different?”   

“If your back hurt after sleeping on your couch overnight, this is going to be even worse. I don’t think the noise will last too much longer—you want to just hang here until they’re done and then try to get some sleep upstairs?”   

Finn rested his forehead against Poe’s. “This is why they pay you the big bucks, smart cookie. Sorry. Not thinking things through right now.”  

“That’s okay, love.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek. “Don’t need to think. Just sit with me for a little while, and keep breathing. Do you want to talk? Read? Cuddle? Just sit here?”  

“Could you—could you read to me? From  _ Zen? _ You can start wherever, I finished it last week.” Finn made himself more comfortable on Poe’s chest, making sure his back was aligned okay.  

“Yeah? What’d you think of it?” Poe cracked the book open and settled back against the wall, one arm wrapped around Finn’s shoulders.  

“Liked it. A lot. Think I need to reread it to make sense of it, but yeah.”  

“Mmm. Well hey, if you do, you could always join Rey when she opens her bike-repair shop next to the garage. Start a lecture series, philosophy discussions…you’d get Snap, at least, and maybe Jess would hang around to heckle you. I’d come sit next to you and be your arm candy.”   

Finn smiled, resting his hand on Poe’s stomach, feeling his breath make it expand and contract. “That’d be fun.”  

“Mmm?” Poe kissed Finn’s forehead and cuddled in closer. “Well. When in doubt, I’ll start at the beginning. ‘I can see by my watch, without taking my hand from the left grip of the cycle…’”  

With the plugs, and the cement protection of the basement, and Poe’s soft but steady voice, every firework faded into background noise, barely registering on Finn’s consciousness. It took him awhile to realize he hadn’t heard one for maybe twenty minutes. He unscrewed one of his earplugs. “Think it’s safe?”  

“I hope so? I mean, they’ve got to run out of supplies eventually. You want to go back up, or stay down here for a little longer?”  

Finn weighed his options, then distracted himself anyway. “You know, you’ve got the space down here for something. Like a futon, or an air mattress. Not that—not that I’m always going to be over here when there are fireworks, or that you’ll always end up here when you’re disassociating. But. Um. I don’t know.”   

“Huh.” Poe looked around, then shrugged. “Yeah, maybe.”  

“Or when it gets hot in the summer,” Finn added with a smile. He kissed Poe’s neck, where he could access with his head resting on one shoulder. “Let’s go to bed. I’ll wear the earplugs just in case.”  

“All right, baby.” Poe kissed Finn back, then stood and reached a hand down to him.  

Finn gathered their blanket and let Poe pull him up. He helped gather some of the other supplies, then—“Cushions back tonight or good enough to put them back tomorrow?”  

“Enh. Tomorrow.” Poe balanced the book and blanket in one arm, then slipped his other around Finn’s waist. “Let me take you to bed, my man?”  

“Yessir,” Finn said with a smile, letting himself be led back up the stairs. At least his back didn’t hurt this time. As they passed through the kitchen, he noted the time as just shy of one, and groaned. “Sorry ‘bout not letting you get to sleep. We were so close, too.”  

“It’s okay, baby. We can sleep late tomorrow, no rush.”  

“True. Bless you, Friday, for leading to Saturday.” Finn smiled to himself. He was fucking exhausted. As long as the fireworks were truly done, there was no way he wasn’t getting a good sleep tonight.  

“Damn right.” Poe tucked the blanket back in, then crawled beneath it. He smiled at a sudden thought. “Hey, at least they waited until we had sex, right? That was pretty considerate of them.”  

“Yeah. Almost makes me want to let them off the hook, but not quite,” Finn said as he slipped into his side and held his hand out for Poe. “Love you, Poe. Goodnight.”  

Poe took Finn’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “You did it, baby. You got through okay. You’re going to be fine, all right?”  

Finn smiled tiredly at him. “I made it through. I’m going to be fine. We’re okay.”  

“We are.” Poe smiled back and tried to convince himself to let go of Finn’s hand. “I love you too, sweetheart.”  

Finn was still smiling at Poe, at the softness of his curls and the tired smile reflected on his face, when he let his eyes closed, his fingers settling into the sheets instead of twining through Poe’s fingers.  

Poe tucked the blankets up to his shoulders, curled up on the edge of the bed, and watched Finn relax into sleep.  _ Thank you, God, for letting it go well tonight.  _ He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, ran through his pre-flight checks, and took off over the valley.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, in this universe, the people of Northern Cali celebrate Memorial day with fireworks. It's just... it's a thing we made up, and we tripled down, so go with it. :D


	37. Dancing in the Kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe eat breakfast and negotiate kinks, as you do.

Finn woke in the pleasant rush that signalled a good night of sleep. “Mmm,” he hummed and stretched, then realized his earplugs were still in and frantically glanced over at Poe, who was thankfully still sleeping.

Finn let himself watch Poe sleep for a little while before he took the earplugs out and climbed out of bed. He took care of morning necessities in the bathroom, doing a quick shave and taking his medication, then began raiding Poe’s kitchen for supplies, trying to formulate a plan. “Almost everything I need,” he murmured to himself, and put his sandals on. He jotted a quick note— _at the store, be back soon, hope you’re hungry—_ before slipping out the side door and through the garden to head to the store.  

Poe crashed into bed and scrambled frantically to his feet, hands clenched into fists. _What—where—_ o _h._ He reoriented himself piece by piece, settling back into the room. There was an empty indent where Finn should be—had Finn really woken up first? Or had he— Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair, then searched the house, heart pounding. _What did I do? Shit, shit, shit, no._ He took his pills with a shaking hand, then went to the kitchen for some water—

Oh. Okay. Poe read through Finn’s note three times, trying to read between the lines. Should he text Finn to check if he was okay? No, that was too weird. He needed to see Finn’s face to know for sure that Finn wasn’t lying to make him feel better. He went down to the basement to get the couch cushions, trying not to spiral into panic.  

Finn whistled as he bopped back into the kitchen, groceries in hand. The temperature had been perfect, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and most importantly, he’d made it through the fucking night without flashing back to his injury. He still had half a mind to go knock on all the doors in the neighborhood and _respectfully request_ that they keep their fireworks to one night, like, you know, say, the night of the holiday? Except Finn also knew he was too chicken for something like that. Maybe he could sic Rey or Jess on it.

He set up his phone to play music softly, and was soon singing along to Auli’i Cravalho and bopping his hips.  

At the sudden burst of music from upstairs, Poe stopped short halfway up the basement steps, balancing the last two cushions underneath his arms. _What the—_ He took the rest of the steps at a run and emerged into the kitchen just in time to see Finn shake his ass in a move that sent all of the blood in Poe’s body straight to his dick. “Uh.” He tossed the cushions haphazardly onto the couch, shoved them into place, and stepped back into the kitchen. “Someone’s having fun here.”  

Finn bopped again, sending a teasing look over his shoulder, “Good morning, ba—” He stopped, frowning, and turned. “You okay?”  

“Yeah,” Poe managed. “Yeah, um. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dance and sing like that.” _Probably because I knew this would happen if I watched._  

“Well, I’m feeling pretty fucking good today. It’s beautiful out, I’m about to make French toast, and I’m really hoping my boyfriend will A) help me garden today and B) fuck me with a butt plug. So yeah, I’m feeling good. In fact—” Finn turned back to his phone, searching until he found the Nina Simone version of _Feelin’ Good_ and sang the opening lines.  As the horns came in, he danced toward Poe, wrapping a hand around his waist and rocked him in a slow dance. “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, for me, and I’m feelin’ good.” He beamed at Poe.  

“Jesus.” Poe swayed in Finn’s arms. “Is this your seduction strategy? Dirty talk, dancing, and sweet talk? Because if so, it’s working, I gotta say.”  

Finn brought Poe in for a kiss as Nina scatted her way out of the song. “If it’s working, then yes, totally intentional.”   

“You can _feel_ it’s working,” Poe grumbled, then kissed Finn back. “You okay? I got, um. Kinda worried when I woke up and you were gone.”  

Finn drew their dance to a close back by the counter where he’d been working, but before he got back to work on the breakfast, he cupped Poe’s cheeks. “I’m sorry I worried you. I promise I didn’t leave because you did something.” He smiled at Poe. “I just woke up feeling—feeling fucking energized and refreshed and—and—and like I wanted to make my boyfriend something special.”  

“Yeah?” Poe smiled back at him, relieved. “Okay. Thank god. Um.” He traced Finn’s cheekbone. “I’m glad you woke up feeling better, baby. I’m really glad.”  

“I’m sorry you woke up worried about me.” Finn kissed Poe’s forehead. “Think there’s anything I could do to avoid that?”  

“Um.” Poe’s shoulders jerked up, down. “I mean. It’s not your job to—to reassure me. That’s my own shit, and I—I should work on that.”    

“Okay,” Finn said easily, wanting to let Poe get comfortable with the day. “Well, how does this sound? I happened to nab the last strawberries and raspberries at the farmer’s market on the way back, so I was thinking of a berry compote on top of french toast.” He turned, grabbing one of the strawberries he’d already cleaned and holding it out for Poe. “Here, try. The berry farm is really fucking _amazing._ ”  

“You’re telling me? I’ve been known to clear out an entire pint in one sitting, easily. Maybe three pints? So addictive. Can I, um. Can I help?”  

“Absolutely. Can you wash the raspberries for me and pick out any leaves and stuff?”  

“Yeah, of course.” Poe pulled out a colander and got to work in silence, focusing on the bright red berries. “Look,” he said at last. “What happened the other morning. S-scared the—the shit out of me. It—” He gripped the edge of the sink and swallowed hard. “It needs to never, _ever_ happen again. You still being here feels like a gift, and—and you asked me to forgive myself and I’m trying, I am, I really am. But I—I wake up scared, that’s—that’s how it is, it’s been years, and—and I guess there’s just one more thing to be scared of now. Um.”  

Finn paused in cleaning the strawberries, setting down the knife that was suddenly shaky. “It’s better when I don’t sleep over, isn’t it.”  

“No!” Poe turned to him in surprise. “No, baby. I mean, I’m not worried about it then, obviously, there's nothing to be worried about. But I—I like it when you sleep over. I really like it.”   

Finn looked down at the strawberries. “I don’t know what to say, Poe,” he murmured helplessly.  

“You’re okay, sweetheart.” Poe shut off the water, set the raspberries on the counter, and stared at them. “I—I don’t know. I guess—I just—” He took a deep breath, then let it out. “I guess what I'm trying to say is, I’m always going to wake up scared and disoriented. And now I also wake up worried that I—that—that I h-hurt y-you. But I’m trying to get my shit together and n-not worry about it. Trust that you’ll tell me if something happens. You shouldn’t have to reassure me every morning for the rest of our lives.”    

Finn stepped beside Poe, rested his hand across Poe’s waist. “I’ll tell you if something happens. I promise I won’t lie. I spent—” _I spent too many years lying about how I got bruises._ “I won’t lie.”  

“Okay.” Poe cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm. “Th-thank you. Thank you.”  

Finn leaned over to brush a kiss across Poe’s lips. “Love you.”   

“I love you too.” Poe kissed Finn back, then rested their foreheads together. _No no no stop it you’re a fucking adult Dameron you can handle your own shit don’t you fucking say it don’t say it shit fuck goddamn no don’t do it—_ “If, um,” Poe said before his brain could catch up with his mouth. “It’s just, you know. If you ever _wanted_ to, um. R-reassure me in the morning. That would, um. That would be really nice. But—but you don’t have to, it’s not—I mean. I can handle my own shit. I can. I think.”  

“I can reassure you,” Finn murmured, brushing his thumb over Poe’s cheek. “But I also think it’s something you can relearn, right? Like, um.” Finn blushed. “When I go under. Um. Subspace? You read my body language even when I can’t, um. Verbally reassure you.”  

“Yeah.” Poe leaned into Finn’s touch a little. “Yeah, you’re right. I—I can relearn it. Yeah.”   

“To quote Dr. Ramirez, that doesn’t mean you have to do it all at once.” Finn kissed Poe’s forehead. “I’m glad you got this out, though. I’m sorry it’s been eating you up like this since it happened.”  

“Yeah. Well.” Poe sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up again.”  

Finn frowned. “You want to try that again?”  

Poe blinked. “Try what again?”  

“You don’t need to apologize for bringing up something that’s hurting you, baby. Fuck, how many times have I brought up the same exact shit?”  

“But—but that’s okay, baby. That’s always okay. If you—” Poe hung his head. “Shit, okay, yes, I see where you’re going with this. And you wonder why I say you’re good with strategy.”    

“Maybe I’ll be good enough to beat you at backgammon someday,” Finn said with a wink. More softly, he kissed Poe’s cheek and pulled him in for a hug. “You don’t have to hide your worries from me. I can take it.”  

“Thank you.” Poe leaned his head on Finn’s shoulder. “You’re so good to me, sweetheart.”  

“Just like you are, baby.” Finn rocked him into a slow dance with the music coming from his phone, which had moved on to some slow and jazzy.  

“I don’t know, man, _one_ of us got up early to go on a farmer’s market adventure and cook breakfast for the other. I think you’re winning here.” Poe grinned at Finn.  

“I think we’re _both_ winning. Life isn’t backgammon.”  

“You sure about that?” Poe kissed Finn, sweet as strawberries.  

Finn gave Poe a flirty little spin and took him back in his arms. “Really sure.”  

“Oh, we are _so_ going dancing on this trip to San Fran. Not clubbing, like—I don’t know, fancy dancing, waltzing, whatever the hell you just did. You in a suit?” Poe smirked at Finn. “I could see that.”   

“We should do both. I have this image,” Finn murmured as he slipped his hand down to the small of Poe’s back and pressed him a little closer, “Of grinding with you on the dancefloor, that I can’t quite get out of my head.”  

“Mmmph.” Poe instinctively ground against Finn now, cock already half-hard with the image of them under the blacklights, Finn moving against him like— “Yeah,” he croaked. “I like that image. I like that a lot.”  

“I can’t wait.” Finn slowed as the song came to an end and pulled Poe in for a long kiss. “We should get back to breakfast,” he said hoarsely. “I think we’re going to need the fuel for later.”  

“Yeah.” Poe stroked down Finn’s ass. “You all right, buddy?”  

Finn blushed. “I’m, uh. Really looking forward to later.”  

“Really.” Poe moved back to the raspberries, checking Finn with his hip as he went by. “Huh. Well. So am I.”

Finn continued to clean strawberries. “Okay, no sex talk, knife’s out.” He chopped up the strawberries efficiently. “When you’re done with that, put the berries in a saucepan. And, oh, I forgot to get down the sugar earlier.”  

“I know where the sugar is.” Poe grinned at Finn. “How much do we need?” He poured the colander into the pan.  

Finn scooped the strawberries into the pan and eyed it critically. “Mmm, let’s start with this,” he said, pouring some over the berries and setting the pan on the stove. “Okay, french toast next.”  

“At your service.” Poe saluted him. “What do you need me to do?”  

“We need bread, eggs—that’s what I got at the store, so they’re in the grocery bag—and spices. I _know_ you have cinnamon,” Finn said with a grin.  

“Did you scope out my cupboards, or what?” Poe pulled the groceries out.  

“Oh yeah. Scoped ‘em, inventoried in my head, imagined rearranging them. Everything.”  

“Uh-oh. You’re not going to, I don’t know, alphabetize the cans, are you?”  

Finn snorted. “No, alphabetizing cans doesn’t make sense.” He continued _sotto voce_ , “‘Course, neither does keeping the noodles in with the sugar and flour.”  

“That makes perfect sense! Noodles are things I have to cook! Sugar and flour I would also have to cook with, although they’re mostly there because I thought I should have baking supplies. Like…I don’t know…doesn’t everyone have to own some flour? Isn’t that a thing? Anyway. They’re basically just decoration. You know, like those fruit baskets some people have?”  

Finn looked up at Poe and blinked, then burst into laughter. “Christ. You know, at least we’ll never fight over using the kitchen. No ‘too many chefs’ for this family.”  

“Yeah?” Poe beamed at Finn. “God, I love your laugh. So fucking sweet.”  

“I love your mind. So strangely illogically logical.” Finn cracked eggs over a bowl.  

“Perfectly logical.” Poe poked Finn’s ass. “Just, you know. Who needs logic, really?”  

“You're very Mad Hatter-esque.”  

Poe cackled. “You know, I, uh. I got a top hat once as a gag gift. You want me to wear it the next time we cook?”  

“Yes, but only if I get to wear one of those white chef hats. You can't be the only one with hat game.”  

“Mmm, but then I’d have to—shit, wait, sorry, I’ll hold onto that thought.” Poe smirked at Finn.  

“No sex in the kitchen. Do I have to post a sign?”  

“Probably,” Poe sighed. “But yeah, you need a hat. And one of those white lab coat thingies, right? Do you have to get one for chef school?”  

“Yeah, I do, actually. I'll get the official list when I sign up for classes on Tuesday but they mentioned that last time. And my own knife roll. And probably one of those hats.”  

“Nice.” Poe nodded. “You’ll need to send me a selfie, all right? You at that professional kitchen, where they store the noodles with the, I don’t know, the tomato sauce? Hey, what else do you need me to do here?”  

“Stir the berries, make sure the sugar doesn’t burn to the bottom of the pan.” Finn set up a frying pan on the burner next to Poe’s and started heating it for the toast. “How many pieces do you want?”  

“Stir. I can do that.” Poe inhaled the sweet compote. “Damn, really? This is just fruit and sugar? Even I could do that. Not that I’d ever have thought to bother. But wow. I could learn how to do this. So you can sleep in next time.”  

“Well, if I was feeling fancy, we’d probably be zesting a lemon in there or something like that. But I was feeling more lazy-Saturday-morning-with-my-boyfriend-y.” Finn coated bread in the egg mixture and dropped it into the pan with a hiss of steam.  

“I like that feeling.” Poe leaned over to kiss Finn’s cheek.  

Finn grinned. “Me too, babe.” He reached behind Poe to goose his ass.   

“Hey!” Poe jumped a little. “I see how it is. Careful, or I’ll get you back for that later.”  

“I hope you do, in spades.” Finn hip checked Poe lightly. “Hey, how many pieces, buddy?”  

“Oh, I don’t know, whatever you’re having. And yes, spades, or hearts, or…was that cheesy? That was totally too cheesy.”   

“Is there such a thing as too cheesy? Cheese is my favorite food group.” Finn deftly spatula’d out the first round of toast and got another one going.  

“Well, okay, that’s fair.” Poe kept stirring the fruit, trying to keep his eyes off the graceful flick of Finn’s hands on the spatula. “Hey, you sleep okay? I don’t think I asked. Sorry.”  

“No worries, baby. I did, really well. Glad the fireworks stopped. Glad I had your basement to retreat to. Hope it doesn’t happen again tonight. It’s _Memorial_ Day weekend, aren’t fireworks a little disrespectful to all the peacefully resting vets?” Finn’s grip tightened on the spatula, and he consciously unclenched his fingers and took a deep breath.  

“Very disrespectful,” Poe agreed quietly. “Yeah. I’m sorry, baby.” He slipped an arm around Finn's waist and kissed Finn’s shoulder. “I didn’t check my phone yet this morning, but I bet the guys from group have gotten back to me by now. So we can figure it out, maybe go somewhere a little quieter.”  

“Okay, this is going to sound crazy, considering last week. Feel free to shoot this down, is all I’m saying.” Finn took another breath. “Does the farm get much action like that?”  

Poe blinked down into the steaming compote, startled. “Well—no, I mean—no, it’s pretty quiet. My dad doesn’t like fireworks much either, so he never lights them, and Leia doesn’t either. Between the two of them, it’s enough land to give you a pretty good buffer. And, I mean. I’d never shoot that idea down. That would be lovely. I just—you sure you wouldn’t be trading one stressor for another?”   

“Is it weird that I’m feeling a lot less stressed about your dad now that that first visit is over?” Finn shrugged. “Let’s see what the guys say.”  

“Not weird at all!” Poe smiled at Finn. “I’m glad, baby. I mean, the first time’s always the hardest, right? With anything. You get used to stuff after a while.”  

Finn flipped the next set of toast out of the pan and leaned over to kiss Poe soundly. “Some stuff I hope I never get used to, though.”  

“Damn right.” Poe kissed Finn back, gripping the spoon tightly to keep his mind in the present. _Some stuff you never get used to, no matter how many months you—SHUT UP._ “Cooking with my beautiful boyfriend, on a sunny summer Saturday? That will always be a gift, I hope.”  

“Amen,” Finn whispered, setting in one last pair of toast pieces.  

Poe squinted down into the berries. “What’s this supposed to look like when it’s done?”  

“Kinda like runny jam.” Finn peeked over Poe’s shoulder. “It looks great, hun! You totally can do this.”   

“Yeah! Take that, berry compote. I got this.” Poe took it off the heat, turned off the burner, and went to go set the table. “Hey, I don’t think I ever asked you back. Waffles, pancakes, or french toast?”  

“Oh, waffles, no contest. You can make them savory or sweet. They’re a great vehicle for food. I went to this place a little bit closer to the coast, I don’t remember what it was called. That weekend Rey and I went out there. They had these liege waffles, a special waffle, kind of like a belgian, but thicker? And—” Finn stopped, embarrassed. “And there’s no way you want to hear about this.” He moved the last set of toast to the plate and turned the burner off, bringing it over to the table.  

“Uh-oh.”  

“What? Did I forget something?”  

“No, I just meant—why don’t I want to hear about it?”   

“You want to hear me nerd out about waffles?”  

“I don’t know, man. You’re kind of cute when you’re nerdy. Cute- _er._ Whatever. How’d you learn to cook all this, anyway?”  

Finn shrugged. “I just pick stuff up easily.”  

“And you call _me_ the smart cookie?”  

Finn grabbed two plates from the cupboard, and silverware, bumping the drawer closed with his hip. “Maybe…maybe it takes one to know one,” he managed with a blush.  

“Well, fair. But still, you’re definitely the brains of this operation.” Poe finished pouring the water and sat down. “Oh, wait, you want coffee, or anything? I got some decaf. You, uh. You got some at the diner, I thought maybe you like it.”  

“Awww, you sweetie. I’d love some.”  

Poe rummaged around in his cabinets for the jar, then set some water on to boil. “It’s just, uh. Instant. I don’t have a percolator or anything, sorry.”  

Finn managed to not wrinkle his nose and add it to the list of things he needed to buy Poe. “That’s fine. It’s seriously so sweet of you to remember. Best boyfriend ever.”  

“Psssh, I know your face. Not much better at lying than I am. I’ll get one of those, what’s it called? That thing Jess twisted my arm into buying for the garage. K-cup thingies.”  

“Okay, as long as we get reusable cups.” Finn pulled Poe to him for a kiss. “And instant is fine for today, seriously. Don’t mind the food snob.”  

“I don’t know, man, I want that five-star rating.” Poe grinned at Finn.  

Finn sat down and helped himself to a few slices of french toast. “I mean, you’re already rating five stars in other rooms in this house so I think you can let it slide here.”  

“Oh, right! We’re done cooking, so I can resume.” Poe ran his toe up Finn’s calf.  

Finn spread his legs to give Poe better access. “Yeah,” he said, breathy. “Though, um. Do you want to have that talk now? About the toys? While we’re clear headed?”  

“Define clear-headed,” Poe sighed. “Moment I see you, my little brain flies out the window.” He tucked his foot back beneath his chair and tried a bite of the french toast. “Damn, this is good. Okay. Right. Yes, that’s a good idea. Shit, are we really doing this? Oh my god.”  

Finn smiled down at his plate, cutting off another bite and swiping it through the berry compote. “That inspires a lot of confidence, honey.”  

“No, I just—we’ve been talking about this for so long, you know? And now we’re doing it. Oh my god.”   

“Yeah, that’s kind of what woke me up this morning.” Finn beamed at him. “We’re really doing this. And it’s going to be so fucking good.”  

“Yeah.” Poe bit his lip, then nodded. “Yeah. So, what did you want me to do?”  

“I’d, um. I’d really like you to stretch me open, but not let me come. And then slip the plug in. And see how long I can—I can hold out.”  

“Uh.” Poe blinked at him. “Wow. Um. Yeah. Okay.”  

Finn blushed and moved his toast around on his plate. “Yeah?”  

“Yeah.” Poe scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Are you—are you nervous at all?”   

Finn laid his hand over Poe’s on the table. “I know you’ll keep me safe. Are you?”   

Poe looked down at his plate. “A little, yeah. Um. A lot. I mean, I want to, I like the idea, it’s just—it feels like we’re leveling up, going more—intense, or something, and—I’m just worried something will go wrong.”   

“We don’t have to do anything, Poe.” Finn tipped Poe’s chin up. “I mean, I hope we’ll do _something_. But it doesn’t have to be with the toys. That’s okay.”   

“I want to, I want to. Really. I want to make you feel good. I just—” Poe’s leg jiggled against the table. “If you go into subspace, and anything goes wrong, it’s on me to fix it. And that just—that makes me nervous, that’s all.”   

“That makes a lot of sense, honey. If you’re not in the headspace to do that kind of thing today, that’s something we need to consider, too.”  

“Yeah.” Poe thought this over, then nodded. “Okay. I do want to do it, I just—maybe we can start off slow. And maybe I'll go for a run first, clear my head a bit.”  

“That’s a great idea. I need to get my homework done, anyway. I could walk you to my house. I didn’t think to bring my laptop.”  

“You really think you can get homework done with a plug up your ass?” Poe smirked.  

“Oh-oh. Are you going to put the plug in before you go for your run?” Finn shivered, a tingle of pleasure running through him.  

“No. I should be there.” Poe nudged Finn’s foot. “But hey, if you get your homework done while I'm running, we could cuddle or something instead while you’re wearing the plug. There’s no way I can keep my hands off you while you’re hard as a rock.”  

Finn grinned, already halfway there. “I like this plan. You run. I do my homework. You come back and open me up and—” Finn shifted in his seat. “Yeah, I like this plan.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned back. “Good. So do I.” He sat back in his chair. “Is there anything, um. That you want me to do, or not do? Different from usual, I mean?”  

Finn considered this as he chewed. “Um. I really like—I really like our ‘usual’. Where, um, you tell me what to do, and you tell me how good I’m being.”  

“How is this our ‘usual.’ How is this my life. How—” Poe shook his head. “Um. Anyway. That’s great. I like our usual too.”  

“I hope that's a good ‘how is this my life’.”  

“Good. Very good. I just—” Poe rubbed his forehead. “Month ago, I was a confirmed bachelor. Now I’m planning out kinky sex with my boyfriend. This is…really not what I was expecting in my life.”   

Finn got up to pull the kettle off the burner and make his coffee. “Did you want anything? Tea? Marshmallows and a minute amount of hot chocolate?”  

“Nah, I’m all set. Thank you.”  

Finn doctored his coffee with sugar and brought it back to the table, stopping along the way to kiss Poe on the crown of his head. “A month ago, I was hopelessly in love with my boss and expecting it to go the same way it went the last time I was in love with someone.” He smoothed over Poe's sleep-tangled curls. “I'm really glad it's this instead.”  

Poe smiled fondly up at him. “Me too, love.”  

Finn took his seat again, sipping at his coffee and digging back into his toast. He sighed and smiled across the table, pretty sure that anyone looking at him right now would just see hearts where his eyes should be instead.  

“God, you’re beautiful,” Poe murmured. He took a last bite of toast, then ran his toe along Finn’s thigh. “And you’re mine, huh?”  

“All yours,” Finn promised. “Same goes, right?” he asked with a smile, already knowing the answer.  

“Damn right.” Poe beamed at him. “Which is good, because it means I can save up all my energy for fucking you later.”  

Finn choked a little on his coffee as everything rerouted itself to his dick. “I like how you save up your dirty talk, it's really effective that way.”  

“You really do like dirty talk, huh.” Poe ran his tongue over his bottom lip.  

“I like it from you because I know you don't do it that often, so I know—I know I've affected you.” Finn ducked his head over his plate. “I talk too much, I'm sure.”  

“No, sweetheart. I like it when you do. I really like it. I’m trying to serve it back a little.” Poe bit his lip. “And, uh. It’s surprisingly fun. I love the look on your face when I say something.”  

“You're good at surprising me, Poe Dameron.” Finn beamed at him.  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned back at Finn. “Well. Surprised the hell out of me too.”  

Finn laid his hand in the table, palm up for Poe, missing contact. “Good surprised I hope.”  

“It’s all been a good surprise.” Poe took Finn’s hand and ran his thumb over Finn’s knuckles.  

“Fuck, I love you. Sometimes it just—overwhelms me, in the best way possible.” Finn met Poe's soft brown eyes. “I don't know if I've really thanked you properly for taking care of me last night. You—you made me feel safe, and loved, and not—not like a freak.”  

“Yeah? I’m glad, baby.” Poe smiled at Finn. “I’m glad it helped. Glad you trust me.”  

“Trust you with everything. My heart. My body. Not to—not to pressure you, I know that's—that's a lot to handle.” Finn looked at their joined hands and squeezed Poe's fingers. “I don't think I need to say how hard that is for me.”  

“I know, sweetheart,” Poe murmured. “It’s an honor. Such a fucking honor.”  

Finn smiled. “Well, you earned it. You probably didn't _realize_ you were earning it at the time, but you—you are an amazing friend, Poe. What can I say? I'm glad—glad I got to be friends with you first.”  

“Me too,” Poe whispered. “You’re a good man, Finn. I—” He shook his head. “Well. I’m trying to say that I’d have been happy to stay just friends, but boyfriends is so much better.”  

Finn's grin was sly. “Yeah it is. And not just because of the aforementioned fucking, although that's mind blowing.” His smile turned sweet. “I just, um. Like having a companion. Like thinking ‘oh, I can't wait to tell Poe this’.”  

“Me too.” Poe kissed Finn's hand. “Thinking about the weekend, knowing I’m going to get to take you out to dinner, or just cuddle up with you and talk.”  

“Pretty sappy of us. Or what did you say earlier? Cheesy?” Finn held Poe's eyes. “Wouldn't have it any other way.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “You’re a damn cheeseball. But that’s okay, I am too.”   

“Well matched, then,” Finn said with a wink. He nudged his foot next to Poe’s, teasing just a little.  

“Time to get on with the plan?” Poe nudged back with a little smirk.  

“I’m done with breakfast, how ‘bout you?”  

“I think if I say ‘ready for dessert,’ that makes me a hopeless cheeseball who needs remedial lessons in coolness, so I’ll just clear the table instead.”  

“We should save the compote, it goes really well over ice cream.” Finn stood to get a container for the sauce.  

“Mmm, speaking of dessert.” Poe started washing the dishes, trying and completely failing to stop himself from checking out the graceful line of Finn’s arms, stretching the sleeves of his t-shirt.  

Finn grabbed a spatula to help him with the compote and grinned. “Man, I really should have clued in on your sweet tooth way earlier.” He put the berry sauce in the fridge and kissed Poe on the neck before bringing him more dishes. It was hard to call what he enjoyed more, of all their time together, but this, this domestic...domesticity neared the top of the list.  

“You going to sing again?” Poe grinned at Finn, trying to resist the urge to flick him with water, just to see him laugh again. _Oh, what the hell._ He rinsed the soap off one hand and flicked Finn when his back was turned.  

Finn mock-gasped in surprise and turned around to goose Poe. “I don’t know if you deserve my singing,” he whispered in Poe’s ear.  

“Ow, okay, I deserved that one,” Poe grumbled. He stuck his tongue out at Finn and finished washing the dishes.  

Finn leaned against the counter and watched Poe’s capable hands go through the motions of washing and drying. “What was that about seduction again?”  

Poe blinked at him. “What?”  

“I don’t know how I find every little thing you do so sexy. I know you don’t get it either. But it is, believe me.” Finn grinned at Poe and blew him a kiss.  

“Well, good. I don’t think I’ve ever deliberately seduced a person, but it’s nice to know I can just wash dishes at you and make you thirsty.”  

“Especially since we seem to end up in this position a lot.”   

“It’s a good position.” Poe nodded solemnly. “Almost as good as that time I pinned your wrists to the pillow and fucked you.”  

Finn gripped the edge of the counter as his knees went weak. “That was a good position, too,” he replied faintly. “Holy fuck, how am I going to do my homework? I’m going to be sitting in my house attempting not to touch myself but thinking all about you, coming back all sweaty and glorious, and you’re going to—you’re going to—no, you know what, I’m going to stop there.”  

Poe dried his hands and hip-checked Finn. “I mean, we can always wait for later, if you want to get your homework done. I know you were nervous about writing essays, and all that.”  

“No, I’ll be less anxious if I get it done. More able to relax, and enjoy myself. You know. Not just the sex, but everything.”  

“Yeah, that’s what I meant—wait on playing for later, so you can focus on your homework now. If you’re anxious about it.”  

Finn took one of Poe’s hands and brought it to his lips. “I really should. Be responsible, and all that.”  

“Okay.” Poe nodded, trying not to be too disappointed. “I mean, we have the whole weekend. Do you want me to come over tomorrow or something, instead?”  

“Mmm,” Finn hummed, moving in close to Poe again, rocking with him in time to the music. “How ‘bout this afternoon. That’ll give me time to get done and have my mind clear of worries, so I can be ready for you to wreck me.”  

“Now _that_ sounds like a plan.” Poe grinned and kissed Finn. “Hey, does it count if I order you to do your homework? Would that make it more entertaining?”  

“Maybe.” Finn smiled back. “Why don’t you try?”  

“Well.” Poe looked up at Finn through his lashes, trying for a smouldering glance that was probably just squinty. “Let me put it this way: play doesn’t start till you finish your homework. So you’re going to be good for me, and do your homework now.” He hesitated, then added, “And you’re not going to touch yourself until you’re done. You’re going to be good and wait for me.”  

Finn took a deep breath and smiled. “Well, okay then.” He couldn’t deny that his blood was pumping through his veins just a little faster, a little hotter than before.  

“Is—is that okay?” Poe bit his lip. “Color, baby.”  

“Green,” Finn replied, sweeping his thumb over Poe’s lip, where it was slightly darker from the bite. “I don’t—I don’t want to take orders from you for, um, normal daily things. But this…this is a reward? You’re not…not telling me what to wear or what to eat or something like that, not that I’m saying that’s bad. But it’s not for me. Or, um, for us, I hope.”  

“No, definitely not. But—I don’t have to do this either, if you don’t like it. I mean—you know it’s not a real order, right?”    

Finn smiled, tipping his head in for a light kiss. “Yeah, I know. Just something to, um. Make things fun. I’m going to get my homework done because I’m a responsible adult, but I’m going to be thinking about how my boyfriend is going to stretch me open and keep me whimpering while I’m doing it—also because I’m a responsible adult who gets to make that kind of decision.” He grinned.  

“Okay,” Poe said, mostly reassured. “Just—you’ll tell me, right? If it’s not okay?”   

“Promise. You’ll be the first one to know if you—if something crosses a line. All green so far.”  

“Okay, good.” Poe stroked Finn’s arm. “I want to do this right.”

Finn cupped Poe’s face and kissed him sweetly. “You’re doing it exactly right, as far as I can tell. I mean, I’m happy. As long as you’re happy, then we’re the two that matter, right?”  

“Yeah.” Poe leaned his head on Finn’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re happy, baby.”  

“And you’re happy?”  

“Very.” Poe kissed Finn.  

“Good. Very good.” Finn swayed, happy. “In ten seconds, we’re going to continue being responsible adults. You’re going to go for a run, and I’m going to get my homework done. And I’m not going to touch myself until you say I can.”  

“Damn right.” Poe grinned at him. “Why ten seconds, though?”  

“Because I want to kiss you again.” Finn was smiling when his lips met Poe’s, and he bubbled up with laughter.  

“Now _there’s_ an idea I can get behind.” Poe kissed Finn back and dipped him slightly, floating on Finn’s glorious laughter.  

Finn let Poe’s hands bring him back up, let his kiss soothe everything inside him. “Okay,” he said, breathy, “Okay. Responsible adults.”  

“You got this, buddy.” Poe patted Finn’s shoulder. “Think of the reward.”  

“Mmhmm.” Finn let Poe go reluctantly and grabbed his phone, wallet and keys. “I’ll text you when I’m done?”  

Poe saluted. “I’ll bring the supplies.”  

“Mmm.” Blowing a kiss over his shoulder, Finn headed out the side door.  

Poe watched Finn leave, admiring the gorgeous view until Finn disappeared down the block. With a sigh, he went to take a shower, hoping the warmth of Finn’s kiss would keep him safe.  


	38. The Best Club is Your Bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our boys get kinky with a butt plug and cock ring. 
> 
> Mostly smut, with some emotions in there, too. 
> 
> CW: Discussion of war pops up for a moment, intense but safe sane and consensual light D/s and play with sex toys.

Finn stretched his back, groaned, and did it again, moving through all of his exercises, now that he’d polished the essay and sent it off to Snap for him to give it a look. Honestly, he hadn’t expected the offer of help from that quarter, but Snap, well, Snap definitely had layers.

When he’d completed his exercises, Finn picked up his phone and flicked off his lock screen, a selfie he’d taken with Poe.

 **Finn:** Done and done. Ready when you are. More than ready.  

 **Poe:** The magic words!

 **Poe:** I’m on my way. Be there in twenty. How’d the essay go?  

 **Finn:** I think okay? I hope okay.

 **Finn:** Anything you want me to do before you get here?  

 **Poe:** Nah, you’re good! I’m glad it went okay. I’m sure it’s better than your jerkbrain says it is.  

 **Finn:** Well Snap will be the final say on that

 **Finn:** He’s looking stuff over for me  

 **Poe:** Nice! I’m glad you’re more comfortable with him.  

 **Finn:** Getting there, anyway  

Poe stepped up to Finn’s door and knocked.  

Finn swung the door open wide. “Hi,” he murmured, squinting against the bright sun. “Come in.”  

“Hey, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek on his way in. “Someone here ordered two sex toys and an escort service?”  

Finn snorted, pulling Poe in for a kiss and kicking the door shut. “Man, I asked for someone extra hot, and they certainly delivered.”  

“Oooh, you’re smooth. I like it.” Poe ran a hand down Finn’s chest and rubbed over one of his nipples. “But also not too smooth, in all the right places.”  

“How—” Finn sucked in a breath, his nipple pebbling under Poe’s touch. “How was your run?”  

“Good! Beautiful day for it. I would say it’s a good day to plant your tomatoes, but I think we had a better plan. Maybe tomorrow? Or Monday?”  

“Yeah, I like our plan.” Finn drew Poe back over for a kiss.   

“Mmm.” Poe got lost in the sweetness of Finn’s lips for a moment.  

Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s shoulders. “I’ve been good for you.”  

“Of course you were, buddy.” Poe relaxed into Finn’s embrace and kissed him again. “You always are.”  

Finn flushed with pleasure, sighing into the kiss, pretty sure his brain had melted down to his toes.  

“All right, baby.” Poe leaned back to see Finn’s face. “What do you say we make a little club here and you show me how to dance?”  

“I like that plan. Think I still have a club shirt at the bottom of my closet, do you want me to wear it?” Finn bit his lip in a smile.  

“Definitely.” Poe grinned at him. “Or, you know, a sexy jockstrap, that works too. Should I wear something special?”  

Finn smiled, ran his hands down Poe's chest. “I like how you are, but if you want to get comfortable, you could maybe—” He toyed with Poe's hem. “Maybe lose the shirt.” He kissed Poe again, his hunger surely evident. “I think I have something that you'll like. Give me five minutes?”  

“I’m all yours, sweetheart.”  

Finn gave Poe a quick kiss and slipped into his bedroom, stripping off his clothes. He chewed his lip, considering his options. He found the club shirt first, at the back of his closet. Alternating white mesh with fabric, the shirt showed off his chest and arms. The jockstrap—ones he owned for running—seemed like too much at once, so he slipped on the tiny blue running shorts over it. Normally he'd wear tights under the shorts, but—but he didn't want to cover himself up for Poe. He chewed his lip again, looking down at himself, wondering if Poe would like it. He set his phone to a dance playlist and cracked open the door. “You ready?”  

Poe blinked at Finn. “What?” he croaked.  

Finn pushed the door open wider and tried to remember the seductive smile he used back in his clubbing days. “Ready to dance?”  

“Holy shit.” Poe stepped toward Finn, then traced the mesh across Finn’s chest. “I think you melted my brain.”  

“That's the idea.” Finn turned in Poe's arms, letting his ass settle at Poe's crotch and looking over his shoulder. “You new here?”  

“Very,” Poe said, dazed. “Oh, shit—” He dropped his backpack inside the bedroom door, pulled off his shirt, wrapped his arms around Finn’s waist, and kissed the back of Finn’s neck. “How about you, beautiful?”  

“You could say I'm a regular.” Finn let his lips tip up and he winked. “Feel like dancing?”  

“Always.” Poe ran a hand down to the full curve of Finn’s ass. “You think you dance better with or without a plug?”  

Finn ground backwards, swaying his hips to the music and pulling Poe's arms tighter against him. “I'll dance for you after, too, and let you be the judge.”  

“I’m doomed,” Poe said faintly, and nudged Finn forward into his bedroom. “But what a way to go.”  

Finn  spun in Poe’s arms and danced back with him, latching on to Poe's chest with his lips.  

“Mmmph.” Poe clung to Finn’s arms, weak-kneed. “I’m beginning to see why sex is usually horizontal,” he managed. “Keep this up and I will fall over, buddy. On top of you.” He thought for a moment. “Actually, that sounds like a pretty good idea. I take it back, keep going, this is excellent.”  

Finn ran his hands over Poe's warm chest. “We've always got the bed to fall back on. In fact, this is way better than the club. Easy access to a comfortable horizontal surface? Yes, please.”  

“Mmm, much cozier. Plenty of room to cuddle and nap when we’re done. I like this.” Poe leaned into Finn’s touch and settled his hands on the small of Finn’s back. “Teach me how to dance?”  

“It's all about your hips,” Finn murmured, bringing Poe's hands to his and rocking slowly.  

“Oh, goody. I’ve got those.” Poe smirked at Finn, then kissed his cheek.  

“There you go. Perfect.” Finn leaned in close, letting his body slide against Poe's. “If you were looking for action, you'd use this opportunity I'm giving you to tell me how hot I am, or let your hands slide a little farther south.”  

“How far south? All the way? Like this?” Poe cupped the back of Finn’s thighs, pressing his lips together against a laugh.  

Finn smirked. “Mmm, yes, the hyper erogenous zone of my upper thighs.”  

“I don’t know, buddy, feels pretty nice to me.” Poe squeezed a little, then rocked his hips against Finn’s again. “You saying I should try a little higher, though?” He slid his hands upward, then stopped. “Are you—you _are_ wearing a jockstrap. Oh my god.”   

“I wear one for running,” Finn replied with a shrug and a smile.  

“And for dancing, huh? I was mostly kidding about the jockstrap, but—but— _wow.”_ Poe traced the straps carefully up to Finn’s hips through the thin fabric of his shorts, then down the rising bulge of his cock.    

“Well normally in a club, I'd be going commando. But you suggested it.” Finn leaned into Poe's touch just a little.  

“Commando, huh?” Poe said faintly. “I’m going to have to, uh, think about that later. Think about it in great detail. Hopefully surround sound and technicolor, too. But, uh. Anyway.” Poe smoothed his hands over Finn’s shoulders and ground his hips against Finn’s to feel the hard line of his cock. “Dancing. We were dancing, weren’t we?”  

“Is that what this is called,” Finn whispered with a smile, linking his arms behind Poe's neck and taking Poe's lips.  

“Or vertical sex, you know, same thing.” Poe sucked on Finn’s bottom lip, then kissed his way down Finn’s neck.  

Finn hummed, feeling the beat of Poe's heart against his, reflected in the beat of the music. This was what he loved about dancing. Being in absolute sync with his partner.  

Poe slipped his hands up Finn’s shirt beneath the mesh. The warmth of Finn’s back, the muscles, the fluid grace of his dancing— “On the bed,” Poe murmured. He raised heated eyes to Finn’s. “You ready to dance with a few accessories?”  

“Yes, yes I am.” Finn kissed Poe thoroughly, then turned in his arms and ground his ass once against Poe. He leaned over the bed and looked over his shoulder.  

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Poe murmured. He ran a hand down Finn’s back, then pressed a kiss just above his collar. “One of these days we’re just going to stay in bed together, all day, so I can admire you properly.” He slid Finn’s shorts down over his ass, then off.  

Finn shivered as his ass was exposed. “I'm holding you to that.”  

Poe pulled the bottle of lube out of his backpack, slicked up his fingers, and traced the tight furl of Finn’s hole. “I’d draw you, but, well. You’ve seen me try to draw. If I can’t even draw a damn car, there’s no way I’d get you right.” He pressed his finger in, nice and easy.  

Finn’s fingers curled into the sheets, loving the feeling of Poe controlling his body.  

“Color, baby.”  

“Mmm,” Finn purred. “Green. Very green. Love that.”

“Yeah?” Poe settled his free hand on Finn’s ass, eased in another finger and crooked them, searching. “Well. That’s good. Been thinking about this for days.”  

“Me too. Loved doing it to you last night, baby, don't get me wrong. But, this, oh—” Finn moaned as Poe found his prostate.  

“Mmm? I think I’m getting good at this.” Poe laughed at himself. “Important life skill. And, um. I’m glad you liked last night. I—fuck, Finn, it was good, so good, it was overwhelming. I don’t think I thanked you properly for—for taking care of me.”    

Finn turned at the sincerity in Poe's voice, smiling up at his boyfriend and reaching around to squeeze his knee. “You're welcome, baby. Love you.”  

“Love you too.” Poe grinned down at him, then added a third finger and started fucking Finn properly.  

“Oh, oh god baby. Fuck, fuck, I love you,” Finn moaned into the sheets, pumping his hips back to take Poe's fingers deeper.  

“You said that already.” Poe smoothed a hand down Finn’s back, keeping him still. “There you go, baby. So good. So beautiful. So sweet to me.”  

“It bears—bears—” Finn lost himself in the feeling of Poe's fingers in his ass. “What was I saying?”  

“Something about bears? I thought we agreed I was an otter, when Jess pulled up that article.”  

“Otter?” Finn's face screwed up in confusion, and then he decided to let that thought slide away. Who needed bears and otters when Poe's fingers felt so fucking good inside of him. He moaned under their steady rhythm, and the pressure of Poe's hand on his back.  

“Never mind,” Poe laughed. “Feels good, huh?” He admired the slick slide of his fingers in Finn’s ass, then reluctantly withdrew, grabbed the plug from his bag, and lubed it up. “I’m going to fill you up now, all right? Going to take care of you.”  

Finn nodded. “Yes, please, Poe.” Anything to bring back the glorious sensation of his ass being filled.  

Poe pressed the bright orange plug against Finn’s hole, then slid it in inch by inch. “There you go, baby,” he murmured. “You’re being so good, you know that? So good for me.”  

“Oh god, Poe, it feels so good, so _solid_.”  

“Telling me I don’t?” Poe smirked. He settled the base of the plug against Finn's rim and rocked it a little, aiming for Finn’s prostate.  

Finn moaned, burying his face in the sheets. “No, you're perfect. This is just—” he moaned again. “Just different.”  

“Kidding, baby, it’s okay.” Poe patted Finn’s ass, nudged Finn onto his back, and pulled the jockstrap down. “Think you can be good, and not come till I say? Or should I wrap you up?” He traced a line around the base of Finn’s cock.  

Finn jerked against his touch. “Wrap me up.”  

Poe pulled out the cock ring, circled it around Finn’s dick, dithered over how tight to pull it for one frantic second, and snapped it shut. “God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, eyes fixed on the way Finn’s cock stood up stiffly from the leather. “Tell me how it feels, baby.”  

Finn stilled, trying to assess how exactly he felt. The plug was applying constant pressure to his ass, like he was being fucked. The cock ring, on the other hand, was keeping him from coming. He needed to say something to Poe, he knew, but his senses were overwhelmed. “Need a sec, not yellow, still green, but I need a sec.”

“Okay. Okay, baby. That’s all right. Take your time.” Poe eased the jockstrap back over Finn’s cock, stretched out on the bed, and wrapped an arm around Finn’s waist, remembering Finn had liked that before. “I’ve got you, baby,” he murmured. “You’re so good, always. So good for me. You know that? I’m going to keep you safe.”  

Finn let himself settle, let himself fall into the sensations the toys were giving him. He turned in Poe's arms, searching out his mouth, and sinking into a kiss.  

Poe folded his arms around Finn and kissed him back. “There you go, love.”  

Finn pulled back a little, letting his cheek rest against Poe's, hot and flushed. “It feels amazing, Poe. So good. It's so good.”  

“I’m glad, baby.” Poe kissed Finn’s temple. “You look so fucking beautiful.”  

“Yeah?” Finn felt a sudden impulse. “I want to see.” He kissed Poe once more and pushed himself up. The movement nudged the plug against his prostate and he paused. “Oh, oh fuck, that's good.”  

Poe sat up hurriedly and slipped an arm around Finn’s waist to steady him. “I’ve got you, baby. You have a mirror around here? In your closet? Or just in your bathroom?”  

“Just the bathroom. Time to test out my sea legs.” Finn smiled at Poe, “And then hopefully my dancing legs.”  

“Damn right.” Poe grinned back. “Just don’t fall over on me, all right? Not sure I can catch you before we both go down.”  

Finn eased up to standing, using Poe as a support. “Oh god. It's so good, Poe, but not overwhelming? It's—it's like what I like about being fucked without working me up so fast. Or maybe the cock ring is holding me back, or both.”  

“I’m glad, baby.” Poe slipped a hand down to Finn’s ass, then nudged the plug. “Is it what you’ve been fantasizing about?”  

Finn whimpered at the movement and nodded. “It's more than. I had kind of a half idea of what it was going to be like. This is so much better.” He walked in shaky legs across the bedroom, then looked over his shoulder. “How do I look?”  

“Like a porn god decided to start filming in my boyfriend’s bedroom,” Poe said hoarsely.   

Finn grinned. “Should I leave my shirt on our take it off?”  

“Off, definitely off.” Poe stepped forward and helped Finn tug it off. “Oh, god.” He ran a hand over Finn’s sculpted chest, past the scar on his shoulder. “How are you mine? How did this happen?”  

“You played your cards just right.” Finn took Poe's hand and headed off to the bathroom. “Oo.” He did make a sight in just the jockstrap, didn't he? He turned, leaning against the wall and sticking his ass out, spreading his legs, and there, holding him open wide, was the bright orange plug, snug against his rim. “Oh,” he said faintly, feeling a little bit like the porn god Poe had mentioned.  

“‘Oh’ is right.” Poe blinked at Finn, dazed. “Oh god. Oh baby. Oh beautiful. Oh fuck.”  

Finn felt power surge through him. _He_ did this. _He_ made Poe look like he'd had ten shots of vodka. He straightened, taking Poe's hand again. “Wanna dance, handsome?”  

“Fuck yeah.” Poe slipped his other arm around Finn’s waist, leaned in, and kissed him. “Show me your moves, baby.”  

Finn pulled Poe back to his bedroom and bumped up the volume on his phone, because his neighbors had taken off for the long weekend. He swayed with Poe again, eyes locked on his, losing himself to the beat, losing himself to the twin jolts of pleasure the plug and ring were giving him when he moved just the right way against Poe’s body.  

Poe ground his hips against Finn’s, cock achingly hard. He buried his head in Finn’s shoulder, closed his eyes, and let the music pulse through his bones, intoxicating and overwhelming.  

It was better than any club Finn had ever been in, he decided. Poe’s body was plastered to his, their skin slick with sweat, and he was pretty sure, without the cock ring, he’d come right now. He leaned in, sucking at Poe’s neck and tightening his fingers in Poe’s sweat-soaked curls.  

Poe jerked back instinctively. He pulled Finn’s hands from his hair, pinned them behind Finn’s back instead, leaned against Finn again, and took a deep breath to steady himself, trying not to wreck the moment.  

Finn searched Poe’s face, his own heartbeat thudding at having his hands confined. “Color?”  

“Green, just don’t—” Poe let go of Finn’s hands and just clung to Finn’s shoulders instead. “Hair. Don’t pull. Please.”  

“I’m sorry, baby. I won’t, I promise.” Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s waist and rocked them together, ignoring the pulsing dance beat in favor of something slower. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”  

“That’s my line,” Poe mumbled. He kissed Finn’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “Thank you.”  

“We’ve got each other,” Finn promised. “Love you.” He kissed Poe’s hair and ran a hand over his back. “What should we do next?”  

“Whatever you want, baby. More dancing? Cuddling?”  

“I love dancing with you,” Finn murmured, pulling Poe tighter. “But I could go for some cuddling, too.”   

“Your choice, baby.”  

Finn bumped the rhythm of his hips up again. His cock slid against Poe's, and he squirmed, sighing. “It's a weird fucking sensation. The ring, I mean. Feels good but like I'm constantly on the edge of coming.”  

“Well, we could fix that, if you want.” Poe smirked.  

“I want you to take over,” Finn admitted, softly in Poe's ear as he buried his face in Poe's neck and continued to grind against him.  

“Okay.” Poe stroked Finn’s back and swayed their bodies together. “I want you to take my clothes off, and then get on the bed with me.”  

Finn nodded against Poe's neck, his eyes bright on Poe's when he leaned back. He dropped to his knees in front of Poe and was momentarily overwhelmed by the sensation of the plug moving in his ass. He rested his head on Poe's thigh for a second, regaining control. Still, with shaky hands, he worked the zipper of Poe's pants. Slowly, he slid the pants and briefs over Poe's hips, placing kisses along his skin as he revealed it. When he got to the floor, he looked up at Poe, helping him step out of the pooled clothes and kissing the inside of Poe's knee.  

“Just like that, baby,” Poe murmured. “So good.” He took Finn’s hand, led him up onto the bed, and curled up inside Finn’s arms. Finn’s cock pressed hard into his hip, trapped in the jockstrap. Poe tucked their joined hands over his heart and leaned back into Finn’s embrace. “God, you’re cozy.”  

“I feel like I'm about to burn up.” Finn pressed a kiss to Poe's neck, rubbing his clothed cock against Poe's skin.  

“Well, maybe I can fix that.” Poe turned in Finn’s arms, nudged Finn onto his back, and settled in comfortably atop him. “After all, I did stretch you open already, and plug you up. So you’re ready for me to fuck you, whenever I want.”  

Finn shivered. “You're in control,” he whispered. He raised his arms over his head, letting them rest against the bedspread.  

“Damn right I am.” Poe took Finn’s hands in his, trapping them in place. “You’re being so good for me, baby.”  

Finn shuddered, the confinement of his hands and the weight of Poe's body on him sending him to his floaty place. “Always wanna be good for you.” He bit back a moan at how his cock was hard and aching and trapped between them, confined in its cock ring.  

“And you are.” Poe kissed Finn, then groped on the nightstand for the lube. He slid down Finn’s body, pulled the jockstrap off, and traced one finger down Finn’s cock to the tight ring of leather. “Color, baby.”  

“Green,” Finn moaned. _Do what you want._  

“Since I’m in control,” Poe murmured. “I can just stay here and look at you for a while, right? Just leave you right here, on the edge, while I admire you.” He stroked Finn’s thigh, cocked Finn’s leg up to get a better view, reached down to the plug, and rocked it in place, aiming for Finn’s prostate. “So beautiful, baby. All stretched out and ready for me. Being so good.”  

Finn whimpered. Poe's eyes were greedy on his body and they took his breath away.  

“You’re so good, baby.” Poe twisted the plug in place, then slowly began to draw it out, stretching Finn’s rim even further around the widest point. “And you’re mine, you know that? All mine.”  

“All yours,” Finn promised. “Oh, Poe—oh god.” His hands clenched into fists above him at the lovely burn in his rim.  

“Which is good,” Poe continued, “because I’m all yours, too.” He set the plug on its base on the nightstand to be cleaned later, then slicked up his cock. “I’m going to fill you up now, baby. I’ve got you.” He lifted Finn’s thighs onto his shoulders, slid a pillow beneath Finn’s hips, pressed the head of his cock against Finn’s rim, and eased in.  

“Pooooooeeee,” Finn sighed, completely accepting Poe into his body, confined by Poe's weight, by the position. “You're perfect.”  

“Damn right,” Poe laughed. He settled down over Finn’s body, nearly folding Finn in half, and pinned Finn’s hands in place. He thrust slowly, taking his time, dizzy with lust. Their bodies slid against each other, slicked by a sheen of sweat. _“You_ are perfect too,” he murmured. “Oh, god, baby. You feel so fucking good.”  

Finn's cock strained against the ring, weeping precum that smeared over his belly. Poe was heavy and delicious and perfect on top of him, and he let his eyes close, feeling safe and happy and warm.  

Poe would do anything, _anything_ to keep that beautiful, blissed-out look on Finn’s face. “Oh, sweetheart,” he rasped. He kissed Finn sweet and slow, overwhelmed with emotion. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” He buried his head in Finn’s shoulder, closed his eyes, and fucked Finn faster, harder, deeper.  

The need to come was both urgent and not, and Finn wanted it to go on forever as much as he wanted to climax. “Please, Poe,” he mumbled, kissing the parts of Poe he could reach. He strained against the hand Poe was holding him with, not wanting to break free so much as feel Poe's power everywhere over him.  

“I’m here, love. I’ll take care of you.” Poe fumbled between their bodies for the cock ring, then snapped it off, tossed it aside, and stroked Finn’s precum-slick cock.  

Finn gasped at the flood of sensation in his cock, the feeling of Poe's hand over it. “I'm going to—” He couldn't even get the warning out before he was coming messily over his own stomach, Poe stroking his cock, stroking over his prostate, stroking him from the inside out.  

“There—” Poe gasped. “There you go, love. So beautiful. So good. So—” His thrusts stuttered as he came, back arching up, head thrown back. “Oh god.”  

Finn watched Poe go over, felt his come warm inside him, and let his eyes drift closed with happiness. He'd been so good for Poe. So good.  

Poe collapsed on top of Finn, sweaty and sticky and utterly sated. He rolled them to their sides, curled up around Finn, and tucked their hands into Finn’s chest. “Love you,” he murmured. “So much. God, Finn. You’re incredible.”  

Finn floated, anchored safe in Poe's arms. He murmured against the skin of Poe's chest as he nestled himself in tight. Poe was still inside him, a soft but steady pressure. He lifted one of his legs and placed it over Poe's, drawing him closer still. Finn never wanted this feeling to end, the feeling of closeness he felt right now, the feeling he'd never felt with another being in his life.  

Poe stroked Finn’s back, half asleep, drifting slowly. “So good,” he mumbled against Finn’s lips. “Oh, baby. You’re so good to me.”  

Finn sniffled, then was surprised to realize his was crying, his cheeks already wet.  

Poe kissed Finn again, then tasted salt and opened his eyes in surprise. “Shit. Shit, no. No, no, no. Oh, shit. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.” _What the fucking hell did I do wrong?_ He brushed the tears off Finn's cheeks and pulled him closer, heart thudding in his ears. “I’m sorry, Finn.”  

Finn roused himself and clutched at Poe. “No, no, baby, god, _I'm_ sorry. You're good, oh god, you're perfect. It was so—so perfect. So good. I love you so much. You're—” Finn wiped at his eyes. “You're perfect and I don't—don't get why I get to have you.”  

“Okay.” Poe took a slow, shaky breath, trying to unwind. “Okay.” He kissed Finn’s tears, then tucked Finn’s head into his shoulder. “That makes two of us,” he said at last. “I don’t get why I get to have you either. Or how you’re so wonderful. Someone—someone up there is looking out for us? I don’t know.”  

“Your mom, probably.” Finn kissed Poe's skin. “I'm not much of a religious person but it's also hard to believe that I essentially chose this town on a whim and here you are.” He covered Poe's heart with his hand. “Sorry, I don't know where all the emotion came from.”  

“It’s okay, baby.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. “Anyway, you were probably drawn in by the delicious smell of my cooking.” He bit his lip against a giggle.   

“Yeah, that was it for sure.” Finn tipped up his head and smiled, brushing his lips over Poe's. “You know how to reel the men in.”  

“The important one, at least.” Poe kissed Finn back and snuggled up against the warmth of his body. “Oh, shit.” He blinked down at the cum sticking their stomachs together. “Gross. Okay, I’m getting up. I can do this.” It took him two tries to slide down the bed and stagger to his feet.  

Finn giggled, flopping over onto his back. He should actually probably take a shower, really, to properly clean himself, but there was something in him that liked the feeling of Poe's cum inside him still.  

Poe stumbled to the bathroom, cleaned himself off, stretched his knee a bit to make sure it was still working properly, and brought back a washcloth. “Man, how did you get cum on your chin? Do I want to know? I don’t think I want to know.” He cleaned Finn off with gentle strokes.  

Poe's gentleness sent Finn adrift again. He stretched his back and arms and looked up at Poe with loving eyes.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Poe tossed the washcloth onto Finn’s laundry pile, clambered back into bed beside him, and snuggled into his side. “Have I told you that yet today? Only fifteen times? Well, you’re beautiful. Absofuckinglutely gorgeous. And a sweetheart to boot.”  

Finn drew his arms around Poe and sighed. “Feel free to repeat that twenty more times. I think I'm starting to believe it.” He traced fingers over Poe's cheekbone. “And then maybe I can believe I actually deserve to be with someone as gorgeous as you are.”  

“You’re beautiful.” Poe kissed Finn’s cheek— “so fucking beautiful. I can’t believe—” he kissed Finn’s nose— “how sweet you are—” he kissed Finn’s forehead— “and smart—” he kissed Finn’s lips— “and gorgeous. And kind. And brave. And loving.”  

Finn felt his eyes tear up again. “Yeah?”  

“Yup.” Poe hugged Finn closer to him. “Always.”  

“Thanks,” Finn whispered. “For being you. For being amazing. For being the best damn boyfriend in the universe.”  

“Yeah?” Poe grinned at Finn, cheeks flushed. “Well. Right back at you.”  

“And you are so fucking comfortable, too.”  

“If you’re saying we should cuddle more often, the answer is yes, definitely yes, all the time. If you were any more comfortable, I’d already be asleep right now.”  

“I'm not quite sure why we don't spend all our time cuddling. Who needs jobs? Or food?” Finn snuggled closer, then laughed when his stomach betrayed him by growling.  

“You do, apparently.” Poe nuzzled into Finn’s shoulder. “But I agree. More cuddling, always, yes please.”  

Over Poe's shoulder, Finn saw the bright orange plug and shivered a little. “Um,” he started, then lost his nerve.  

“What, baby?”  

“I don't want you to think I'm gross.” Finn chewed on his lip.  

“What? What do you mean?”  

“I kind of, um. Want to wear the plug again. Right now.”  

“Sure, baby. What’s wrong with that? I mean, I think we’re supposed to wash it first? I forget what the instructions said.”  

Relief flooded Finn. “I was worried you'd think I was, um. Gross or weird for wanting to wear it so your, um. Cum. Stays inside.”  

 _“That’s_ why?” Poe blinked at him, startled. “Um. Is that, um. Is that a thing? I mean,” he hurried, “I don’t think you’re weird, I just—that didn’t occur to me.”   

Finn buried his face in Poe's chest. “That's really messed up of me, isn't it?”  

Poe stroked Finn’s hair. “I don’t see why, baby. People do a lot of messed-up shit. Wearing a plug doesn’t even rate.” The more Poe thought over the image, the more it started to heat him up from the inside. “And. Um. I never really thought about it before, but it’s, um. It’s kind of hot.”   

Finn looked up at Poe, still chewing on his lip. “Yeah? Because I was. I was, um, thinking of wearing the plug, and putting those blue shorts back on, and, um. I'm not sure. Going around the apartment like that? Maybe cooking for us? Having you sit in my lap and make out?”  

“Those all sound good. Except cooking, I think we talked about not doing anything sexy in the kitchen. I like your fingers.” Poe traced the almost-healed scar on Finn’s thumb.  

“Fair.” Finn kissed Poe's cheek. “I'm definitely hungry, though, so we're going to have to take care of that at some point.”  

“Hmm. Want to make dinner together? Go out?”  

“Going out requires getting dressed,” Finn complained, then stiffened. “And we need to figure out what I'm doing tonight. Where I'm going.”  

“Wherever you want to go, baby. The guys texted me the details of the place they go to—it’s a little cabin-resort thingy, not a lot of frills, just far enough from civilization to be pretty quiet. Or we could stay in the basement, or—you mentioned staying at the farm? Wherever you think you’ll feel safe.”   

Finn clutched at Poe's bicep. “Will you…will you go with me?”  

“Of course, buddy. I mean—as long as I’m still doing okay.”   

“Yeah, of course. Of course.” Finn rested his forehead against Poe's. “Maybe it better be your basement, then. So you can get away if you need to.”  

“Hmm. I mean, I think I’ll be fine anywhere. I assume the cabin has more than one room, and there’s plenty of space at my dad’s. So—I don’t know. You pick. Wherever you’d be most comfortable.”   

Finn worried about the decision. He didn't want to have Poe disassociate someplace unfamiliar. “Did you ask your dad?”  

“Yeah, he’s fine with it. He’s also willing to stay out of our way, if talking to him would be too stressful. He said he could also go stay at Leia’s, leave the house to us.”  

“Yeah, what's the deal there? I never had a chance to ask last week.”  

“What do you mean?”  

“With Leia and your dad. Is she like, an old girlfriend, or?”  

“Oh,” Poe coughed. “Um. No. I mean, they all fought together in the civil war, with my mom. The Guatemalan Civil War, I mean. Leia came to the states with us and her husband, this crazy American who went down to Central America for vacation and stayed for the revolution. He, um. He passed away a few years ago. She and my dad have always been good friends, but now that they’re both alone…I don’t know. They’re getting closer. A lot closer.”   

“How do you feel about that?”  

Poe stared at his hands. “She’s, uh. She’s a great lady. Incredible stories, if you ever ask her. And my dad’s so gone for her, it’s crazy. Pretty sure it’s mutual, although she can be really hard to read when she wants to be. So, um.” He shrugged. “I feel like—they deserve some happiness now, no? I’d be happy if they finally made it happen. But at any rate, it’s not my choice. It’s theirs.”  

Finn cupped Poe's cheek. “You're a good son. A good man.”  

Poe snorted. “Well. I try.”  

“It shows.” Finn tipped his head to take Poe's lips again, slow and sweet, his heart swelling with love.  

Poe smiled into the kiss and cupped Finn’s cheek in his palm.  

“I love you,” Finn murmured against Poe's lips. “So much.”  

“Love you too, baby.”  

Finn's hand balled into a fist on Poe's chest. “I think I'd like to go to the farm. I think it would be nice to have—have a home around me.”  

“And you’re sure it wouldn’t be too stressful?”  

“I don't—I don't know,” Finn admitted. “It doesn't feel like before, but I don't know.”  

Poe wrapped his hands around Finn’s. “That’s a decision you’ve got to make for yourself, buddy.”  

“I guess I'm worried. Last time I—I freaked out, and then you disassociated, and then I hurt myself. Maybe I should just stay here, and we shouldn't be together tonight.”  

Poe bit his lip. “Look,” he said. “Whatever we do, I’d want to go home soon and relax for a while, take a nap, get back to my routine for a bit. I think that’ll be enough downtime to make the night okay. If you want me with you, I’m willing to go with you, wherever you want to go. But it’s up to you, baby.”  

Finn clenched his first until he had white knuckles, unsure and indecisive and so in love with the man before him that he almost couldn't breathe. “I think—I think.” He took a deep breath. “Let's go to the farm.”  

Poe held Finn’s eyes. “You sure, baby?”  

“Yeah.” Finn's fist unclenched and he spread his fingers over Poe's heart. “Yeah, I'm sure.”  

“All right.” Poe smiled at Finn. “You okay if my dad’s in the house, or would you rest easier if he stayed the night at Leia’s?”  

Finn shrugged. “Either is fine with me. I don't want him to be uncomfortable.”  

“He said he’s fine either way. It’s _you_ I’m worried about.”  

“I would feel awful, kicking him out of his home.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “Hot date with his ladylove, or a nice evening with his old friend, whatever they decide they are. I’m sure he’d be _so_ bummed.”  

Finn smiled at that. “You're sure?”  

”I’m sure. You want me to show you the text? Oh, wait, it’s in Spanish. But still. I could translate.”  

“Okay. Well. Tell him I'm bringing fixings for dinner, then. Leia’s invited, too, if she wants.”  

“Whoa, really? That’s awfully nice of you, baby. You want to cook with Leia? She can teach you a thing or two, I’m sure.”  

Finn’s face lit up. “Yeah? Will she teach me how to seduce you with Guatemalan goodies?”  

“Oh god, baby, you seduce me just by looking at me. You don’t need any specialties.”  

“Mmm, but when I've lost my boyish charm, I'm going to need _something_ to keep you around,” Finn said with a grin. “Hey, can you text Leia and ask? I'll bring stuff from town, I can hit the grocery store while you're napping.”  

“When you’ve lost your boyish charm, I'll be creaking in my old age, baby. Don't even worry about it.” Poe kissed his cheek. “But yeah, of course I can. I'll give her your number, so you can chat about it to your heart’s content and I can relax for the afternoon.”  

Finn felt giddy and energized by the plan, and kissed Poe soundly. “I love you. Love you love you love you.”  

“Love you too, baby.” Poe kissed Finn back.  

Finn sighed and stretched, glancing over Poe's shoulder at the bedside clock. “Sadly, I think this plan means no more butt plug.”  

Poe shrugged. “I mean, you can keep it here, if you want. Play with it some more.”  

“Would you, um. Be amenable to me, sometime, surprising you with it in?”  

“Um.” Poe blinked at Finn. “Not at work.”  

Finn nodded. “That makes total sense. I would _not_ want to be working with heavy machinery with that beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous thing up my ass.” He played with the hair on Poe’s chest. “You can say ‘No, I don’t want to be surprised’, babe. That’s okay. I’d just like to know before I try.”  

Poe thought it over. “I really liked seeing you in the plug,” he said at last. “But no, I don’t really like surprises. And I’m not always in the mood to, um. Do something sexy. So—a little heads up would be great.”  

“I can do that,” Finn replied with a smile. “Happy to.”  

“Okay.” Poe smiled at Finn and traced the shaved line in his hair. “Thank you, baby.”  

Finn ran his hand down Poe’s side, ending on his hip. “Happy sex. That’s all I want. Whatever we do, that’s what I want the end goal to be. Happy sex. You deserve—no, _we_ deserve it.”  

“Damn right.” Poe nodded solemnly. “That’s a good goal. A great goal. I like this goal. I’m going to make that my life’s goal, in fact.”  

“Cheers to that, baby.” Finn touched their noses together in a bunny kiss. “What do you say? Cuddle a little longer, or head home for a nap?”  

“Oh, god.” Poe’s jaw cracked open on a yawn as he stretched. “Home, I think. Text me when you want to head over? And I’ll come pick you up.”  

Finn pushed himself up, enjoying the tired ache of his limbs. “Mmm. Think I can talk you into a massage tonight, if you’re doing okay?”  

“Mmm, that sounds fun. And likewise, if you want? Hopefully I can do a better job than last time.”  

“Hun, you’re _not_ a licensed massage therapist, so don’t beat yourself up about that.” Finn got to his feet, bending over to stretch out his back, and yeah, to flash his ass at Poe.  

Poe poked Finn’s ass, just because he could. “But still. I can go harder, like the first time I gave you a massage. I just—”  

Finn straightened and held his hand out to Poe to give him a lift up. “It’s okay, baby,” he said softly. “It was a really fucked up night.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. He let Finn pull him off the bed, then stretched to his feet. “Let’s try not do that again anytime soon, okay?”  

“Agreed. Say no, colors, no hurting yourself to help the other.” Finn pulled Poe into a quick kiss before releasing him to find clothes. He smiled as he pulled the club shirt off the floor and held it up. “What do you think, a keeper?”  

“What did I say about your powers of seduction? Let me tell you, baby, you wear that shirt again and I will quite happily lose the power of coherent speech for a good five minutes.”  

“So, a keeper then,” Finn decided with a laugh, tossing the shirt into the hamper. He pulled clean clothes out and piled them in his arms. “I’m going to take a shower. Don’t forget to text me Leia’s number so we can chat. Oh, and maybe you could send her a little introductory text so I don’t blindside her.” He kissed Poe’s cheek.  

“Yeah, I’ll hook you guys up.” Poe yanked his pants back on, searched for his shirt, and then pulled it over his head. “And it’s always okay to change your mind, okay? Keep me posted.”  

“I will.” Finn watched with regret as Poe covered up, allowing himself a small sigh. “Okay, me shower, you nap. And text. Preferably in reverse order.” He brushed his lips across Poe’s once more before turning for the bathroom.  

“Okay, sounds good.” Poe shouldered his pack and saluted. “See you in a bit, sweetheart.”  


	39. The First Dinner with Leia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe have dinner with Kes - and Leia, who teaches Finn how to cook a Guatemalan dish. 
> 
> CW: The usual of panic and anxiety. Also brief talk of war, and allusion to child abuse.

“No, no, you need to  _ crush _ the garlic—yes, yes, perfect.” 

Finn nodded seriously, though he was beaming internally. Screw Kes,  _ Finn _ was half in love with Leia already, and he’d only met her ten minutes ago. When she’d greeted him and Poe with cheek kisses and then immediately pulled Finn to the kitchen to start cooking. She was stern, and soft, and and—and she’d put Finn to work before he could worry about the fact that he was essentially kicking his boyfriend’s dad out of his house.

“And then—”

“And then we sautee that with the onions, you’re familiar with that, yes? Until they’re clear. Mmm, more oil, Finn.” 

Finn grinned at Poe and dutifully added more oil.  

“He’s good, no?” Poe asked, smiling at Leia from his position chopping vegetables at the counter.  

“Si,” Leia nodded. “Y es mango.”

Poe covered his flushing face with one hand. “Leia—” 

Leia waved a hand at Poe. “Es la verdad. Okay, looking good, Finn. You taking notes?”  

Finn surreptitiously moved the notebook farther away from him on the counter. “No, no, why would I be taking notes? Did you say I’m a mango?”  

“Taking notes is good!” Leia breathed in the fragrant steam from the onions. “That way I don’t have to explain it fifteen times, like I did for your hopeless boyfriend.” 

“True.” Poe nodded sadly. “Although even when I did take notes, it didn’t help much.”  

“Runs in the family,” Leia said with mock sadness, shaking her head at Kes. “You’re good for Poe. He needs someone who can cook.” 

Finn blushed. “Well, I try not to let him go hungry.”  

“I was doing just fine,” Poe grumbled. “You know I don’t care what I eat.” He made a face at the peppers on his cutting board. “But yes, okay, it is fun to cook together.”

“Of course it is.” Leia cast a glance at Kes. “I may even manage to teach your father something, how about that?” 

“Or we could run away, and save ourselves,” Kes offered from his tipped-back kitchen chair.  

“Save yourself from what, a full belly?” Leia winked a Finn and threw a handful of spices in the mix that had Finn scrambling for his pen and notepad.  

“From meddling friends.” Kes explained. “Let them compare notes about onions to their hearts’ content.”

“And then what, sleep in the barn?” Poe grinned at his dad. “I don’t know about you, but I’m having fun here.”  

“The chicken next, Finn,” Leia murmured after an eye roll at Kes. “Poe, pasa el pollo. Gracias. Okay, so, we browned it before, yes? To get all the lovely browning flavors on the chicken and on the onions. Now we put them together. With the wine, and the, um, caldo. Soup?”

“Broth?” Finn supplied, tucking chicken in among the onions. 

Leia slapped her hand to her thigh. “Yes, broth. Poe, how are the peppers coming?”  

“Ready to sacrifice their souls for the cause, ma’am.” Poe handed her the cutting board covered in sliced peppers.  

“Good.” She took the cutting board and set it on the table. “Come, sit. These are for eating while we wait for the pollo y arroz.”

Finn, ever obedient, sat quietly next to Leia, but looked over at Kes. “Um, thanks for letting us crash here.”  

“Of course, son.” Kes patted Finn’s hand. “Happy to have you. Anyway, you don’t know how long Leia’s been waiting for someone worthy of learning how to cook from her.” 

“Hush.” Leia swatted Kes’ head, smile gone. 

“Perdón,” Kes murmured, and tugged her down to sit beside him. “But really, Finn. Just glad I could help.”  

“It's nice to be with people who understand,” Finn said, then blushed and reached out for Poe's hand.  

“Mmm, we should make a club up here. The Quiet Memorial Day Association.” Poe rubbed his thumb over Finn’s knuckles. “So, you two have a hot date planned? Talk about sheep for hours over a nice bottle of wine?” 

Kes exchanged a glance with Leia. “Yeah, you know. Sheep. Grapes. Politics. Battle plans. That’s us.” 

“So there’s a plan now?” Poe shook his head. “Sorry. Anyway. Um. You guys still planning to go to the beach on Monday?”  

Leia picked out a red pepper and crunched on it. “Your papá is slowly coming around to the plan. Maybe you can help me convince him.” 

“The lake beach? Or the beach beach? Either way sounds great to me. I'm still getting used to it being 75 and sunny on Memorial Day weekend.” Finn knotted his fingers together with Poe's and smiled at Leia.  

Poe frowned at Leia. “What plan? The beach plan?”

“Of course.” Leia twirled another pepper slice between her fingers and smiled peacefully at him. 

_ Nice save.  _ “Papá,” Poe asked, “why don’t you want to go to the beach? Get out of town for a day.”

“Maybe I just like playing hard-to-get, huh?” Kes grinned at Leia. 

Poe rolled his eyes. “Hey, Finn, while these two lunatics spend hours in traffic, you want to go to the lake with me?”  

“Yes, absolutely.” Finn grinned and brought Poe's hand to his lips. “I'll make a picnic again?” 

Leia eyed them with a smile. “The lake is good. You'll be out before the fireworks?” she asked, concerned frown overtaking her smile.  

“Yeah, of course,” Poe said. “We’d just go in the morning, maybe have lunch there.”  

“I like that plan. I'm hoping we'll have time tomorrow to work on my garden?” Finn pushed a pepper slice toward Poe and grabbed one for himself. 

“What are you growing this year?” Leia asked. 

“Poe's helping me with tomatoes. And with an herb garden probably?”  

“He got ugly tomatoes.” Poe beamed at his dad. “Can you believe that?”

Kes shook his head, lips pressed together against a smile. “You two really are well-matched, aren’t you.”  

“Ugly tomatoes are delicious,” Leia reasoned.  

“Oh, right,” Poe grumbled. “That’s probably why you picked them, huh?” He cut his eyes at Finn.  

Finn held his hands up in defense. “Babe, I picked them because they were ugly  _ and  _ delicious.”  

Poe covered his mouth with both hands to keep from making a dirty joke. “Help,” he mumbled through his fingers. 

“Is that why  _ you  _ picked them?” Kes grinned at Leia.  

“Yes, and fuck Monsanto,” Leia quipped with a fierce grin.  

“Amen.” Kes raised his pepper slice to Leia’s in a toast. “And United Fruit Company, while we’re at it.” 

“Damn right.” Leia touched her pepper slice to Kes’, then turned back to Finn. “I hear you’re in college now? How’s it going?”  

“Really well,” Finn responded. “Better than I expected, actually. I still feel way older than everyone on campus but—I'm getting used to it.”  

Leia raised an eyebrow. “It's a community college, no? I thought they have a lot of adults.”  

“Yeah, there are just also like, whole little schools of teenagers just swarming everywhere.” Finn gave a mock shudder. “But no, it's been okay. I'm—I'm doing it.”  

“Ugh.” Poe shuddered sympathetically. “Teenagers are the worst, aren't they.”

Kes and Leia looked at him. 

Poe hid behind his hands again.  

Finn giggled lightly, pulling Poe over for a kiss on the cheek. “Don't worry, I was a horrible teen, too. ‘Member, I dropped out.”  

Poe opened his mouth to object, then closed it.  _ Distract, keep it light, move things along.  _

“Mmm, but Poe never stopped being a teen.” Leia stepped in before Poe could say anything. “Still plays with cars, no? You're going to college, getting an education. It's wonderful.” 

“See, this is why I come home,” Poe sighed. “For the wonderful ego boosts.” 

Leia beamed at him. “You know I love you, querido.”  

“You should be proud of what Poe has built. It's not just a garage, it's an institution in Santa Lorena.” Finn tried to keep it light, but his voice came out a little harsh.  

“I am proud of Poe.” Leia’s dark eyes settled on Poe, glinting slightly in the warm light of the kitchen. “Very proud. For that, and many other things.” 

Kes patted her hand. “It’s okay, Finn. It’s a bit of a running joke, around here. Is Poe still a teenager, or is he already an old man? Jury’s still out.”  

Finn blushed. “Oh, right.” He linked his fingers in Poe's and smiled a little. “Well, whatever he is, I am. Our habits line up more often than not.” He turned to Leia. “Sorry.”  

Leia smiled at Finn. “Don’t worry about it. I’m glad he’s got you.” She stood abruptly and bustled around the stove. “Here, come. It’s just about ready.”  

“It smells amazing,” Finn murmured in reverence, joining her. “What is it called again? Pollo en-something?”

“Pollo encebollado. Chicken and onions,” Leia replied with a smile. 

“It was so easy.” Finn watched as Leia tested the chicken for doneness.  

“What did you say?” Leia grinned at him. “Maybe you should repeat that a little louder for the nonbelievers.” 

“Yes, you’re hilarious,” Kes grumbled.  

“Here, try,” Leia murmured with a twinkle in her eye. She held up a forkful of chicken and onions to Finn's mouth. 

Finn blew on it and took the bite. “Mmmm. Yeah, that's delicious.”

“Check the rice for me, cariño.” 

Finn lifted up the lid, letting the steam hide his blush at the endearment. “Looks good.”

Leia turned to the Damerons. “Who's hungry?”  

Poe looked at Kes. Kes looked at Poe. They both raised their hands and turned back to Leia with nearly identical shit-eating grins. 

“Clowns.” Leia rolled her eyes. “Go sit, cariño.” She set her hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You two, bring everything to the table. It is set, right?” 

“Of course it’s set!” Kes protested. “Do I look useless?”

“I don’t think you want me to answer that.” Leia winked at Finn.  

Finn laughed, then turned to Poe as he sat, definitely not watching Poe's biceps under his shirt as he lifted the pan of chicken.  

Poe offered Leia the serving spoon and held the pan still beside her plate. “You first, my lady. At your service.”  

God, but Finn loved to watch Poe be kind to people. He watched as Leia teased him back, but a little flush rose high on her cheeks. Kes came by and scooped rice onto Finn’s plate with a smile. “Thanks,” Finn replied with a bright grin. He was so much more relaxed now, than last time. If Kes hadn't made it very clear that he was happy to have an excuse to spend the night at Leia’s, Finn would have felt bad about asking him to leave.  

Once everyone had been served, Poe spooned some chicken and onions onto his own plate, sat down, and looked around the table, glad to be surrounded by the people he loved. Leia stared down at her hands, jaw tense. Kes scooted his chair closer to the table, just far enough to be able to ‘accidentally’ nudge her shoulder. 

Leia finally glanced up at Kes just as he opened his eyes after his own quick grace. “You don’t want to say it aloud?” she asked with a small smile. “Educate these heathens.” 

“Oh, I—I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”   

“It's fine, Kes. I mean, I don't mind.” Finn closed his eyes.  

Kes cocked a brow at Leia. “You want to do the honors, then?”

Leia took a deep breath, then let it out. “Thank you, God, for our food, our home, and—” Her eyes flicked from face to face, bracketed by worn lines. “And our family.”  

Finn warmed. He mumbled a tiny “amen” and clasped his hands together tightly beneath the table.  

Leia smiled at them all, then took a bite of the chicken. “Mmm, perfect. Well done, Finn. What brought you to Santa Lorena?”   

“I kind of just—just—” Finn paused. “Okay, it's silly, but I knew I wanted to live in Northern California, and, um, my friend Slip? His mom's name was Lorena. So, uh, it seemed familiar even when it wasn't.”  

Leia nodded slowly. “You know, that makes a lot more sense than it doesn’t. How do you like the town so far?”  

Finn smiled a little at the saying, the one he'd heard on Poe's lips more than once. “I love it here. And not just for the company.”  

“What do you love about it?” Kes asked.  

“It's warm. Doesn't snow.” Finn shivered a little unconsciously. “Poe likes to say people mind their own here, but that's not really true. People care about each other here. If I was—if I was having a panic attack at the store, or on the street, people wouldn't just think I'm a freak and pass me by.”  

Leia took a slow sip of her water, then nodded. “It is a nice community. I’m glad you’ve found a place here.” She tapped her finger against her glass for a few moments. “And I’ve heard through the grapevine that you’re—good at helping people through panic attacks yourself, no?”  

Finn shrugged. “It's what anyone would do. I mean.” He paused. “I guess not  _ anyone _ .”  

Poe looked at his hands. 

Leia looked at Poe. “No,” she said. “Not everyone.” She smiled at Finn, lines pulling tight around her eyes. “So. Now that you're part of the community. You have a favorite place here?”  

_ The garage. _ “I like the Farmstead. And the Branding Iron.” Finn took Poe's hand under the table. “Poe's place is pretty great.”  

Kes laughed. “You really were born to be a chef, hmm? I would say that one of those places doesn't belong on the list, but I have a feeling there might be a few actual ingredients in Poe's cupboards now.”  

“I might even be able to get him to use the ancient bags of flour and sugar,” Finn said with a grin. “Oh, I really love the running trail, too. And the lake. And the farmer’s market.”  

“Why the hell did you buy flour and sugar, mijo? Were you planning to actually bake something?” 

“I just—” Poe spread his hands helplessly. “It seemed like a good idea at the time?”

Kes shook his head in mock dismay. “I’m glad you like it here, Finn. That lake is nice, isn’t it? Wasn’t too long ago that Poe was attempting swan dives off the dock that ended up as cannonballs.”  

Finn thought of Poe's body gliding gracefully through the water on their first actual date. “It's great here. I'm—well, ‘glad I came’ doesn't really describe it.”  

Poe took a large gulp of water and definitely did not think of any dick jokes to make in response to that statement. 

“Well,” Kes said, smiling at Finn, “so are we. It’s nice to have you here.”  

“Thank you,” Finn murmured, more emotion slipping into his voice then he’d meant.  He squeezed Poe’s hand and ate another bite to cover up his embarrassment.

Leia smiled at him, and nudged Kes with her foot in approval. “And now you’re going to school here.”

“Putting down roots, literally and figuratively, that’s how Poe put it.” Finn smiled back at Leia.  

“Well, that’s what you get for a dating a farmer’s kid,” Leia laughed. “Literal roots? What do you mean, you’re growing mold? Planting your own garden?”  

“Hopefully tomorrow, actually.” Finn chewed his for thoughtfully. “You know, that would be cool to have connected to the restaurant. A garden where we grew stuff and then used it in the restaurant?” Finn raised his eyebrow at Poe.  

“That would be awesome!” Poe grinned at him. “And hey, I could actually help with that.”

“Hmm, that does sound lovely.” Kes thought for a moment. “The Farmstead does already use some local ingredients. We used to supply them with lamb, before we got that Redwood contract out in Scotstown. But it would be great to have a restaurant that really had a garden right there for everyone to see. Maybe put a few tables out there, too. Like those classy hipster places in San Fran.”  

“Could have garden parties,” Finn mused, seeing it in his head, plants fragrant, with umbrellas to shade the customers. An infused lemonade and iced tea of the day.  

_ “Now  _ you’re talking.” Leia nodded. “Classiest restaurant in Santa Lorena, that’s for sure.” She picked up the serving spoon. “Seconds, anyone?”  

“Mmm, yes, please,” Finn replied, holding his plate out to her.  

Leia dished out more, then settled back into her seat. “Have you gotten a chance to explore the rest of the area yet?”  

“I've gotten to Scotstown of course, and went to the coast with my friend Rey a couple months ago. I've kind of stuck close though. Haven't explored too much.”  

“See!” Leia elbowed Kes. “Bet he’s been to the beach more often than you.” 

“Look,” Kes sighed, “I grew up a half hour’s walk from the beach, okay? You know damn well I’ve been to beaches before. I’ve swum—swam? whatever—at beaches before. If you want me to sit in traffic for three hours in order to go to the beach with you, you just had to ask, you know.”

“I like to practice my strategic diplomacy, that’s all.”

“Since when are you out of practice?”

“Anyway.” Leia turned back to Finn. “Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to explore?”  

“Poe and I have talked about taking a weekend in San Francisco. I've only been through the airport, so I'm really looking forward to that.” Finn smiled at the table. “We're hoping sometime this summer.”  

“Mmm, San Fran is lovely.” Leia nodded. “I went there with—years ago. I haven't been back in a while, though. Anything you wanted to go see while you're there?”  

“Mostly I have places I want to eat,” Finn replied with a laugh.  

“Mijo, you sure you're feeding this boy? I'm starting to think he's just hungry.”

“I hope so,” Poe laughed. He cocked a brow at Finn. “I think you've just got a one-track mind, huh?”  

_ Two track, maybe _ , Finn thought, suppressing a look at Poe.  “Food is one of the greatest expressions of love,” Finn offered with a shrug.  

Leia’s eyes tightened at the corners. “I might have said ‘taking a bullet for someone,’ but—” She flinched suddenly and glared at Kes. “¡Basta! Yo sé, perdón. Keep your feet to yourself. Anyway. I’m glad, Finn. That’s really lovely. Maybe you can cook for us someday, show off.”  

“I'd love to. I have a few dishes up my sleeve.”  

“Mmm? Like what?”  

“What'd you think of the carbonara, baby? That was the bacon and pasta dish I brought over the other day.”  

Poe frowned. “What day—oh, shit! When my knee was hurting? I loved that. And it was sweet of you to bring it over.”  

“I could make it again sometime for you guys. I'd love to. This was fun. And I'd love to learn more, Leia.” Finn smiled at her.  

“Well.” Leia smiled back. “I’m glad. I'd love to keep teaching you.”  

Finn leaned back in his chair, full and happy. “Thank you. Thank you so much. That would be wonderful.”  

“Of course, cariño. Anyway, I'm sure you’ll bring back plenty of things for me to learn once you start those classes.”  

Finn could imagine spending evenings by Leia’s side, cooking together to feed Kes and Poe. The feeling of family reached up and almost swallowed him, and happiness turned a little to panic. “Excuse me, just a sec,” Finn murmured, before attempting to walk sedately out of the room. In his panic, he ended up on the front porch, and sat on the swing Kes had there, trying to breathe and process and check in with himself before he could spiral.  

Leia pressed a hand to her mouth. “What did I do?” she whispered. “I wasn’t going to mention bullets earlier, I’m sorry, that was a mistake—”

“You’re doing all right, Leia.” Poe rubbed his forehead, then stood slowly, giving Finn a moment to himself. “I know you’re being careful. Thank you. I don’t think that was it. I don’t know. It was bound to happen at some point.” He took a deep breath to gather himself, then headed out of the room after Finn. Not in the hallway, not the mudroom—oh, there he was. Poe slipped out onto the porch. “Hey, buddy. You’re safe, I promise. Everything’s all right. Can I help?”  

Finn looked up at Poe, radiant Poe, the backglow of the sunset lighting over his features. “I'm doing okay. Just going through some breathing exercises. Trying not to, um, bottle everything in.” He scooted over on the bench so Poe could sit.  

“That’s good, sweetheart. I’m glad you’re checking in.” Poe settled onto the swing next to Finn and folded Finn’s hand between his. “Do you, um, want me to stay, or do you want some space to yourself?”  

“You're good.” Finn leaned into Poe's side. “You're all so good with each other. It just, just hit me.” Finn laid his head on Poe's shoulder.  

Poe wrapped an arm around Finn’s shoulders, pulled him close, and kissed his hair. “You’re good too, baby.” He looked out over the view—pastures sloping down to the road, endless green hills rolling back up to mountains. “And, um. We—we try. We’re not always as good as we look. We’re the only ones left, the three of us. We work really hard to stay together.”  

“I'm glad you do. It shows.” Finn let his hand rest on Poe's thigh. “The thought that—that I could be a part of that, too. I mean, maybe I don't fit in, but I could—I could see myself. There.”  

“I’m glad, sweetheart.” Poe closed his eyes. “You fit in just fine. Don’t worry. I mean, Han stood out like a sore thumb at first, but it didn’t take him long to find a place here, and—and. Yeah. Um. I hope it’ll be like the garage, you know? Weird at first, and then feels like home.”   

“I didn't—was it okay that I came out to take some time for myself?” 

“Of course, baby. Always.”  

“Thanks. I know—I know—I know you know—” Finn took a deep breath. “I didn't ever have this. It—I don't know why it scares me more than—more than being with you. I'm scared I'll—” He squeezed Poe's thigh. “There's a part of me that knows I'm going to be a disappointment.”  

“I know, love.” Poe stroked Finn’s shoulder. “God, I’m sorry.” He looked back out over the view, trying to gather himself. “You wouldn’t be a disappointment. You’d never. You remember how I said I don’t get angry easily? That you’d have to deliberately try to hurt me? Leia’s—” He swallowed hard. “Leia’s like that. So is my dad. I know that’s hard to tell your jerkbrain, but—just—try to hold onto that? If you can.”   

“I can. I can hold onto that.” Finn sought Poe's hand. “Thanks. I was—I wasn't spiraling. I think I would have made it out. But you make it easier. Thank you.”  

“I’m glad I could help, sweetheart.” Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. “We can stay out here as long as you like, all right? No rush.”   

Finn let himself breathe in tandem with Poe some more, watching bats swoop through the darkening sky. “It’s beautiful here.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “Little slice of paradise.”  

“Thanks for bringing us out here.”  

“Your idea, man. It was a good one. And you’ve been doing really well, you know that? I’m so proud of you. For coming here, and cooking with Leia, and checking in with yourself.” A flash of sparks rose above the trees in the distance with a series of faint pops, like a bag of microwave popcorn.  

Finn sighed, leaning into Poe's arms. “Pretty,” he murmured.  

“Nice to have a mute button, you know? Or at least a ‘lower volume’ button. Maybe we can watch them on TV someday, just enjoy the colors without the craziness.”  

Finn hummed. “Yeah, that would be awesome.” He turned at a sound, saw Kes and Leia watching the fireworks through the glass. He stood. “You guys can come outside and watch,” he offered though the screen door as he sat down on the steps.  

Kes and Leia waved at the boys through the kitchen window, then made their way out to the porch. “Nice night,” Leia said, glancing between Finn and Poe. “Fireworks are kind of pretty when the sound is off, no?”  

Finn smiled up at them. “That's what Poe was just saying. And I agree completely.” He patted the porch beside him and smiled at Poe.  

Poe hopped down from the swing, settled next to Finn, and jerked a thumb at the swing. “All yours, guys.” 

Leia cocked one foot beneath her onto the swing, then sat and pushed back just in time to nearly pull the swing out from beneath Kes. 

Kes shook his head. “Really? You’re going to try to pull that again?”

“Almost worked.” Leia beamed at him. Kes rolled his eyes and sat down beside her. Leia rocked the swing for a moment, then looked down at Finn. “I’m sorry, Finn. If I said something wrong. I—I didn’t mean to. I’m really glad to have you here.”  

Finn grasped Poe's hand and looked at their entwined fingers. “You didn't. I'm—I'm sensitive—” He paused, shaking his head. “No, I know. Poe would tell me not to say that. But, um. I’ve got issues with, um. Parents. And um, people being nice to me.” 

Leia tucked her other leg up beneath her and let the swing rock slowly back and forth. “Well,” she said at last. “It’s been said that I have issues with—eh—a lot of things. So. If I do something wrong. You’ll tell me. Right?”  

Finn nodded. “It's not you guys, ever. It's just my head.” He laid his head on Poe's shoulder and watched purple and gold flowers bloom in the sky.  

Leia took a deep breath, then let it out. “Heads are shitty places, huh.”  

Finn laughed a little. “Yeah. My jerkbrain, Poe calls it.”  

Leia snorted. “That’s a far nicer phrase than I’d use.”  

“Poe's well known for his fancy language,” Finn quipped, sneaking a kiss to Poe's cheek.  

“And I’m known for my...elegant choice of phrase, wouldn’t you say?” Leia smirked at Kes.

“Well, I've learned some new words from you, that’s for sure.” Kes grinned at her.  

“You'll have to teach me some of that, too, when we cook.” Finn hummed as the fireworks display reached its finale and snuggled closer to Poe.  

“Oh, dear,” Poe sighed. “Leia, you’re going to make a monster. Next he’s going to teach Jess, and Snap, and then one of the Reyes kids will overhear, and then it’s all over.”  

Leia flapped her hand. “Eh. It'll be good for them.” 

Finn snickered.  

Another burst of fireworks rose above the houses below, bright green darts whirring into oblivion. Kes sighed and kicked off from the porch again, setting the swing into motion. “Corrupting the lovely town of Santa Lorena, huh?” he asked. 

“Passing on a beautiful culture.” Leia smiled out at the peaceful valley.  

Finn drew Poe's hand to his lap, threading their fingers together.  

Poe snuggled into Finn's side with a contented sigh. 

Kes yawned. “I’m starting to think we should clean up the table and make our goodbyes, before these boys fall asleep on us. Porch is nice, but it’s not great for sleeping on, I have to tell you.”  

“I hope you're not speaking from experience.” Finn drew himself up and held out his hand for Poe.  

“Nah. Slept in the barn a few times, with a sick lamb. But at least there’s plenty of hay over there. Not the worst place I’ve slept.” 

“What Kes is not telling you is that he once fell asleep with Poe in his arms, sitting right where you boys are. That was before he built the swing. Took both me and Han to pull him to his feet, he was so sore.”  

“Mmm, been there, done that.” Finn hugged Poe around his middle.  

“Yeah,” Poe snorted, “but we’re not doing that again.” He glanced up at Leia and his dad just in time to catch their suppressed smiles. “No, fuck, it wasn’t—Finn came down to sit with me in the basement, that’s all.”

“Awfully nice of you, Finn,” Kes said. 

Leia swung her feet off the swing and stepped over to the door. “I’m going to clear up from dinner,” she said over her shoulder.  

“I can help,” Finn replied, following her back to the kitchen. As they gathered plates, Finn nudged her with his hip. “Thanks for being understanding. Really. Thank you.”  

She nodded and buried her head in the fridge to put away the leftovers. “Of course, Finn.” 

“Was this a bad idea?” Poe hissed at Kes. “Is it too hard for—”

“She’ll be fine, mijo.” Kes stretched to his feet and waited by the door for Poe. “Don’t worry about it.” 

Poe shook his head, then followed Kes into the kitchen, rolled up his sleeves, and started in on the dishes. “Get out of here, you two. Cooks get the night off.”  

“This is my favorite part about cooking for Poe. He’s very insistent about this particular rule. Does he get it from Kes?” Finn at back down at the table, sipping at his water.  

“It’s only fair,” Poe pointed out. “Not going to let you do all the work around here.”

“I think you got it from your abuelo, actually.” Kes grabbed a towel and started in on drying the dishes. “My mother did all of the cooking,” he explained to Finn. “My father did all of the dishes. It worked for them, so—” he shrugged. “Seems like a reasonable system to me.”  

“No complaints here. Leia, why a vineyard?”  

“Han got a deal on the land, we liked wine, this is good land for grapes…everything came together. Anyway, alcohol is a great way to influence people. People will do a lot for good wine.”  

“I don’t drink, but I’d imagine anything you produced, people would do a lot for.” Finn was  _ not _ half in love with the older woman, not  _ at all _ .  

“They do.” Leia nodded. “They definitely do.”

“You boys have plans for tomorrow?” Kes asked.  

“I think we’re going to plant my garden, and other than that, I’m not sure,” Finn replied, admiring the lines of Poe’s back as he washed dishes. “What do you think, babe?”  

“Sounds good to me,” Poe replied, handing a plate to Kes. “I’ll probably take another break in the afternoon, if we’re going to be back here for another night.”  

“That makes sense. At least the big show is over. Maybe they’ll be quiet tomorrow night.” Finn chewed his lip. “I don’t want to, um.” He paused. “Take care of yourself, I mean.”  

Poe looked over his shoulder. “I will. I promise.” He hesitated. “You too, all right?”  

“Yeah, I promise.” Finn looked at his own fingers, wrapped around his water glass. “What about you guys? Beach on Monday, but what for tomorrow?”  

“I was thinking I would drag this heathen to mass.” Kes cocked a brow at Leia. 

Leia rolled her eyes. “He says this every single week, you know. As though I haven’t been going with him for the last twenty years.”

“You’re welcome to come too, of course,” Kes added. “We’d love to have you. It’s not that long a drive to Scotstown, you’d have time to get the plants in the afternoon.” 

“Papá, I just went with you a few weeks ago, doesn’t that still count for anything?” Poe grinned at Kes, then turned to Finn. “Scotstown is the nearest open and affirming Catholic church,” he explained to Finn. “If you want to come someday, but no pressure. Sounds like we’ve already got a good plan for tomorrow.”  

“What’s ‘open and affirming’ mean?”  

“Gay-friendly.” Poe rinsed off his hands and turned around. 

“We stopped going to the one in Santa Lorena,” Kes added. “What was it…fifteen years ago? More or less? Haven’t been back since.”   

“Oh, that’s really nice. The gay-friendly thing, I mean. That sucks about the one in Santa Lorena. Some many of the townspeople are gay-friendly, or at least they’ve seemed to be to me and Poe. I can walk down the street holding Poe’s hand and feel safe. And proud that Poe’s on my arm.”   

“Damn right.” Poe grinned at Finn. 

“Anyone gives you trouble,” Leia said, “give me their names.” 

“Leia,” Kes sighed. 

“Kes.”

“Behave.”

“I do.” Leia smiled beatifically up at Kes. “And in case you haven’t noticed, the revolution isn’t over. So I intend to protect my—my family.”  

Finn edged his hand over slowly so that his pinky finger was resting over Leia’s on the table. “Poe told me the same thing. No one—no one’s given me trouble. About anything. I was obviously brought here by fate, because I’ve been welcomed with open arms.”  

“Well, good,” Leia nodded. “Let's keep it that way.” She linked her pinky finger with Finn's. “Is this still a thing here? Pinky—what was it called?”  

“Pinky promise?” Finn shook Leia’s pinky with his. “What do you want to promise?”  

“That if anyone gives you shit—about anything—you tell me, and I'll go fuck them up.”

“Leia,” Kes sighed. 

“Gently,” Leia continued. “I'll fuck them up gently. And legally.”  

Finn laughed, then immediately apologized. “Sorry, Poe told me the exact same thing. But okay, if anyone gives me shit, I will tell you both, and you both can go fuck them up,  _ gently. _ ”  

“Did he, now.” Leia laughed. “Well, that’s what Shara always said. She wanted to make sure we didn’t raise the boys like we were still at war.”  

“The boys?” Finn’s voice tipped up in curiosity.  

Leia looked at Kes. Kes looked at Poe. Poe looked at Leia. “We’re all set with the dishes here,” Kes said. “And I’m exhausted. You ready to head to bed, Leia? You boys can settle in for the night, or go look at the stars if you want, it’s beautiful up on the main hill.” 

“Sounds good.” Poe dried his hands.  

Finn looked at his hands. He’d said something wrong, and he’d ruined the evening and—He clenched his fists and shut down the spiraling monologue.  _ No. It’s not  _ my  _ fault when I say something upsetting,  _ unintentionally. _ I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I didn’t do anything wrong. _

Leia stood and crossed to the door. “Good night, boys. It was a lovely evening. Thank you for letting me join you all. It was lovely to meet you, Finn.” 

Poe recognized her political face, the one that let nothing slip. Family time was over. He nodded at her. “Thanks for coming. Goodnight, papá.” 

“Goodnight, mijo.” Kes hugged Poe, then stepped out with Leia. The screen door bounced, then swung shut with a distant click.

Poe hesitated, then sat next to Finn. “You’re okay, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”  

Finn’s lips tightened together. “I don’t—I can’t—I  _ hate _ making other people upset. I hate it, I hate it—it means—It means I’m going to get hurt. But I can’t—I can’t—I can’t—” Finn got stuck and stopped, working on his breaths.   

“You’re safe, sweetheart.” Poe’s eyes stung. “I’m sorry. Everything’s all right. I’m so sorry, fuck, I should have—” He shook his head. “Fuck. I’m so sorry. Can I hug you?”  

“Yeah,” Finn agreed, leaning into Poe’s body, feeling his steady heartbeat. “I can’t—I can’t  _ know _ everyone’s shit. Which means I’m going to put my foot in my mouth, and say stupid things, and not be able to stop myself, and that’s—it’s just really, really distressing for me.”  

“I’m sorry.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn. ”I’m so sorry, baby. You’re okay, I promise. I should have—fuck, I talked to Kes and Leia about what to say and not say around you, how to help you feel safe—the basics, at least. I didn’t even think to tell  _ you  _ what to say or not say to them.”  

Finn shook his head. “I should just—I just—I need to work on it. I couldn’t know. I couldn’t  _ know _ , so it’s not my fault.”  

“You’re right,” Poe said quietly. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. You’re okay, baby. She likes you, she really likes you. And she knows that this is her own shit, not yours. You’ll be all right.”  

Finn sighed into Poe’s neck. “It’s not  _ your _ fault either, Poe. Not really. No one’s. And you don’t have to tell me, but—” He paused. “But, despite how awful it was when you told me about your shit, at least I know what not to say, and it’s helpful. Helpful but not necessary, so I don’t know.”  

“You want to, um,” Poe coughed. “Go to bed, at least? Be a little comfier.”  _ You're stalling. I know that. Shut up.  _ “I—I should tell you. I’ll tell you. Um.”  

Finn leaned back and met Poe’s eyes. “Poe, is this going to trigger you? Because we really shouldn’t deal with both of us being triggered and panicky again.”   

Poe took a deep breath. “No. It’s, um. It’s hard to talk about. But not triggery. I’ll be all right.”  

“Pinky swear?” Finn asked with a tired smile.  

“I swear.” Poe linked his pinky with Finn’s.  

“Then yeah, let’s take this someplace we can cuddle. I think I owe you a massage, too.”  

“Okay.” Poe stood and reached a hand down to Finn. “Oh, I forgot to ask you—my dad set up an air mattress in my room, which I’d take and you can have my bed—it’s too small for both of us—but he said it would also be fine if we take the guest bed, which is a queen, or something. You care either way?”  

Finn joined Poe, leaning in to brush a kiss across his forehead. “I’m fine either way. An air mattress doesn’t sound comfortable, though. But we could cuddle on the big bed and divide for sleeping, too, if you want. I don’t have a preference.”  

“Your choice, baby. Both are fine with me.”  

“I choose you, then. Always.” Finn drew Poe closer to him and brushed his lips over Poe’s, sinking in, letting the easy intimacy with Poe chase away his earlier anxiety.  

“Mmm.” Poe smiled into the kiss. “Well. That’s good. I kinda meant about the bed, though.”  

“Yeah, me too. Let’s take the big bed. Together.”  

“All right.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot (is there a plot here?) thickens!
> 
> (Also, mango is Guatemalan slang for handsome. Or so the interwebs tell me. - BLit)


	40. An Evening at Poe's Childhood Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just turned in an 8 page essay so I figured I'd give you a Fitting update while I was at it.
> 
> CW: Ben is a douche, so discussion of murder, neo-Nazis, plus more discussion of Finn's abuse, brief mention of hospitalization for suicidal ideation

Poe hauled their bags onto his shoulder, then led down the hall to the guest room. “This used to be my grandparents’ room, actually. Is that creepy? That’s kind of creepy.”  

“Everyone’s room used to be someone’s grandparents’ room,” Finn reasoned with an easy shrug of his shoulders. “Thanks for getting my bag, baby,” he murmured.  

“Of course.” Poe dropped the bags onto the chair in the corner, then sat on the edge of the bed and scuffed a toe along the floor.  

Anxiety and frustration at his anxiety and at being caught in the situation _yet again_ where he’d said the wrong thing was riding high in Finn, and he didn’t sit right away, preferring to lean against the wall and look back at Poe.   

“So, um.” Poe twisted his hands in his lap. “Um. What happened, um. Was.”  

Finn’s frustration and anxiety were shoved to the side, to share space with concern for Poe. He sat down on the bed, pulling Poe’s hands into his and letting them twist into his fingers. “You don’t have to tell me. Just. Just give me a list of things I shouldn’t bring up, maybe.”  

Poe took a deep breath to gather himself. Finn’s hands were comforting and warm around his. He could do this, right? _Of course right._

“Leia, um. And Han, her husband. They had a son. Um. They moved here from Guatemala about twenty-five years ago. I was seven, he was four. We, um. We grew up together. When, um. When my mom passed, Leia kind of folded us all into her family. She has none left, I mean—her village was destroyed. Burnt to the ground. So my grandparents became Ben’s, too—her son, that was his name. Um. He, um. A few years ago, he started to get these weird ideas, from a few internet groups, maybe from his old college buddies, too—I don’t know. Super conservative, neo-Nazi shit. Decided to get into politics, went to D.C. to—I don’t know, get power, and influence people, and shit. Fuck up the world. Leia tried to reach out to him, get him to change his mind. He wouldn’t listen. Han went out there, and—”

Poe stared at his hands. “They found his body in an alley. Shot through the chest. No witnesses, but—who else would have a motive? There are bits of security footage, just a tall man in a mask. Not enough to prosecute, but—but it looks like him. So. Leia’s still working in politics, trying to bring him down. But—as far as she’s concerned, he’s dead. No longer her son.”  

Finn sat for a moment, maybe longer than a moment, and let all the information absorb. Still, when he opened his mouth to speak, all he could manage was, “Holy shit.”  

Poe nodded silently.  

 _How many times had Finn fantasized about killing his father? Had wished he’d had enough strength to beat him back, just keep beating until—until._ _How much had he obsessed over that sliver of regret that had joined the relief when the military had brought him word of his father’s death? And still-_

And still. “That’s—that’s horrific.”  

“Yeah.” Poe’s hands clenched in Finn’s. _Tell the rest of the story. No. Tell it. TELL IT, you fucking coward, come on. Spit it out._ “I, um,” Poe coughed. “Uh. Um.” He yanked his hands from Finn’s and paced the room. “My, um. My ex? I think I’ve mentioned before? That, um. That was him. He wasn’t crazy then, or at least not as crazy. But, um. Anyway. We were together for about a year, then I got called off for another tour. And then when I, um, when I c—came back, we tried to stay together, but, um. It didn’t work.”  

 _“Baby.”_ Finn clasped his hands together uselessly. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”  

“That he, um. Went crazy? I know that.” Poe stopped pacing and looked at Finn.  

“Okay, good. Can I hug you?”  

Poe clenched his elbows to his sides, then nodded.  

Finn stood, walking slowly to Poe and wrapping him gently in his arms. “None of it is your fault. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about—about these circumstances. It’s traumatic, and horrific, and I’m sorry I—I’m sorry I’m sensitive about these things and asked for the story. I’m sorry. How can I be helpful?”   

“You’re okay, sweetheart.” Poe leaned his head on Finn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have. There’s—there’s a lot that we don’t talk about anymore, around here. Wasn’t fair to you to not tell you where the lines are.”   

Some of the frustration in Finn eased a little. “Yeah. Um. Yeah, thank you. I have to admit, part of me was pissed about the whole thing.” He rubbed over Poe’s back. “Not knowing where the lines were, I mean. I really fucking hate that.”  

“I know. God, I’m sorry, Finn.” Poe bit his lip. “I fucked up. I’m sorry.”  

“You're okay. We're okay. Fuck, Poe, try as we might, it's going to happen again. It's something I need to work on.” Finn felt tired, all of a sudden, leaning into Poe's arms a little more.  

“You were _amazing_ today, sweetheart.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “Checking in with yourself, and not panicking, at all. Even after I fucked up. I’m so proud of you.”  

“Mmm. I thought maybe you were going to tell me I was amazing when I had that plug up my ass,” Finn joked softly. “But thank you. And please, please don't beat yourself up about not telling me. Please?”  

“Well, that too. God, that feels like forever ago.” Poe shook his head. “I’m sorry. I was so careful to tell them what to say and not say to you, trying to keep you safe, and I failed. But, um. I won’t—I’ll try not to beat myself up. I’ll just, um. Try to not fuck up like that again.”  

“Baby, you're going to get me frustrated all over again. I mean, I appreciate what you did, what you've done, but you didn't fail or fuck up.” Finn pulled out of Poe's arms and sat on the bed. “Come on, didn't we say we were going to get comfortable?” He laid back against the pillows and patted the bed next to him.  

“Okay,” Poe sighed. He shoved his anger at himself into a ball to deal with later, then collapsed onto the bed next to Finn. “Thank you. You’re—fuck, how are you so—” He shook his head. “I love you.”   

“I love you back.” Finn rubbed every bit of Poe he could, trying to loosen some of the tension in Poe's muscles. “You didn't fuck up any more than I did, baby. You were trying so hard to protect everyone, is all. You're okay, Poe. You're okay, we're okay. You're not a fuck up.”  

Poe cuddled closer into Finn’s arms. “Thank you, sweetheart.” He kissed Finn’s shoulder. “So good to me.”  

Finn kissed Poe's temple. “I'd say ‘no, you're so good to me’ but then I think we'd get caught in a loop. So I'll leave it at, you're doing an amazing job at protecting people, but sometimes that job is too big for one guy.”  

“Yeah?” Poe closed his eyes and let the warmth of Finn’s body soothe some of his frustration with himself. “Yeah, I guess so. Thank you.”  

“You're welcome, baby.” Finn gathered Poe closer and placed light kisses on his hair.  

Poe listened to the steady thump of Finn’s heartbeat beneath his ear. “I love you,” he murmured.

“Fuck, thank god.”  

Poe pulled back a fraction, startled. “You know that, right? Fuck, I need to say that more often.”  

“You say it often enough. You're okay.” Finn brushed his lips softly over Poe's. “Would a massage help or hurt right now?”  

“I'm fine, I—” Poe stopped. “I mean, I don’t need a massage. I'm not hurting or anything, thank god. But if you want to, I would love that.”  

“I'd love to. Just relax with you.” Finn rubbed over Poe's back, kissing him again.  

“Well, then.” Poe sprawled out on the bed beside Finn. “Go right ahead, sweetheart. Just—” He jerked halfway up again. _You don’t need to say it, it’s okay, stop it, come on, Dameron—_ “Be gentle,” he whispered, sick of arguing with his jerkbrain. “Please.”  

Finn moved beside Poe, petting over his hair and leaning in to whisper in his ear. “I promise, baby. And I'm not going to be on top of you or anything. Nice and gentle, and you'll be able to move away or stop if you need to. Just let me take care of you.” Finn smoothed one of his hands over Poe's tense neck. “Color?”  

Poe took a few slow breaths, grounding himself in his body. “Um. Green? Greenish-yellow? I’m not sure. I want you to, I really do. And I trust you. I just—” He tried to relax back onto the bed. “I trust you,” he said again, holding Finn’s eyes. “My jerkbrain doesn’t trust anyone, but it can go fuck itself. I trust you.”  

“Okay, just keep me informed, okay?” Finn rubbed gently over Poe's back, letting Poe feel his breath on his ear, steady, in and out. “Sometimes I think the best feeling in the world might be someone rubbing over my back.”  

“Yeah?” Poe focused on the rhythmic motion of Finn’s hands on his back, the crisp cushion of the pillow beneath his cheek. He was safe here, with Finn, warm and loved. He’d be okay. “Too many clothes,” he mumbled into the pillow. “I want to feel your hands.”  

“Can I take off your shirt?”  

“Please.”  

Finn worked the hem up over Poe’s lower back, pausing to warm Poe’s skin with his hand before sweeping it farther up. “Over your head now,” he murmured, letting Poe take over the motion. He knelt, chewing his lip, deciding his next action, then stood to get his lotion, the stuff that kept his scar flexible, from his bag. Kneeling back next to Poe, he warmed some lotion in his hands, then began working up one arm, slowly, gently, tenderly, trying to—to—to transmit his love through his fingertips.  

Poe closed his eyes. Finn’s hands felt like magic on his arm, loosening the tension that had built up all evening. “You’re good at this,” he murmured. “Really good. Thank you.”  

“You are very welcome, baby.” Finn transitioned to the other arm, then moved onto Poe's back.  

“Really, though.” Poe cracked one eye open. “Good. You’re really good. Good. Oh, fuck.”  

Finn smiled to himself as he worked on Poe's lower back. “So are you. So good to me.” He sunk his fingers into Poe's ass, massaging, sure, but also extremely enjoying himself. “Can I take off your pants?”  

“Mmm?” Poe lifted his hips a little. “Mmm. Please.”  

Finn reached around Poe's front to find the zipper, pressing a set of kisses on Poe's back as he worked the pants open and over Poe's hips, then all the way off, along with Poe's boxers. “Mhmmmm, god, you're delicious,” Finn murmured, sweeping his hands over Poe's bare ass and down his thighs. He knelt between Poe's spread legs and continued his massage. “Simply gorgeous.”  

“Mmm.” Poe’s body melted beneath Finn’s hands, sinking deeper into the bed. He shifted in place a little, just to feel the friction of the covers against his half-hard cock. He tensed a little as Finn approached his knee, then tried to relax again.  

“Shhh,” Finn soothed. “You're safe, baby.” He moved quickly onto Poe's calves, then started working his way back up until he was laying next to Poe again, one arm draped over his back. He placed small kisses on Poe's neck, under his ear. “I love you.”  

“Love you too,” Poe murmured. He cuddled closer into Finn’s embrace. “Thank you, baby. That was—god, that was wonderful. I think even my jerkbrain might start to trust you one of these days, if it ever gets its fuckface out of its ass.”  

Finn snorted. “You do have a way with words. And I love it.” Finn rolled away a little, drawing up his own tee, wanting to feel skin on skin.  

“Words?” Poe snorted. “Me? You have got to be kidding.” He helped Finn pull his shirt over his head, then ran his hand across the smooth planes of Finn’s chest. “God, you’re gorgeous.”  

“No, you are.”  

“Oh, you want to fight, huh?” Poe pressed a kiss to one of Finn’s nipples, then sucked on it.  

Finn’s small hiss turned into a moan. “You have a way with that, too.”  

“Damn right.” Poe nudged Finn onto his back, then leaned over him and started working on his fly. “God, your hands are magic. Have I told you that yet today? They are, they really fucking are. I wasn’t hurting before, but now I feel—just—” He shook his head. “Loose. Easy. Good.”   

Finn lifted his hips to help Poe with his pants. “I'm glad, honey. You deserve to feel good.”  

“Yeah? Well, so do you.” Poe tossed Finn’s pants onto the pile of the rest of their clothes, then settled astride Finn’s thighs and ran his hands down Finn’s abs. Finn’s body gleamed in the light from the bedside lamp, every angle and curve highlighted in gold. “Beautiful. So beautiful.”  

Finn shivered under Poe's fingers. “Yeah? And how are you going to make me feel good?” He crossed his hand over Poe's and squeezed.  

Poe cocked an eyebrow down at Finn. “That depends, my man. What do you want to do tonight?”  

Finn hummed in thought, then slid a hand down over Poe's hip. “I like it when—” Finn lifted his hips a little, sliding his cock against Poe's. “Like that. Like feeling you against me.” He quirked his lips. “Like kissing, too.”  

“I can do that.” Poe rocked his hips up to match Finn’s rhythm, feeling his cock slowly fill. “I could even kiss you, too.” He tangled his fingers with Finn’s over his hip with a small smirk.  

“I'm hearing a lot of talk and not seeing a lot of action,” Finn replied with a grin.  

“If you have any concerns, you can file a complaint with Management. Please print clearly, and make sure you fill out every question.”  

“Mmm, talk dirty to me.”  

“Yeah?” Poe traced a vein on Finn’s cock. “You know, the view is _really_ nice from up here.”  

Finn ran light fingers over Poe's cheek. “It's pretty great from down here, too.” He pumped his cock against Poe's fingers. “Fuck, you're amazing. Your fingers, your cock. Have I mentioned how much I love your cock?”  

“Only five or six times per day.” Poe pressed his lips together in a futile attempt to keep a straight face. “Is there a quota? Recommended daily value?”  

“I'll ask my doctor, next time I'm in for a check up,” Finn replied seriously, then lost it, giggling hard enough to jostle his dick against Poe's fingers again.  

Poe beamed down at Finn, flush with delight. “God, I _love_ your laugh. Best thing in the world. Probably an aphrodisiac. You’re so fucking beautiful when you laugh. Your face kinda scrunches up and your head tips back and—oh, god. I could watch you laugh forever.”  

Finn beamed up at him. “One of the first times I kissed you, you were laughing, and I thought it was the best thing I'd ever felt, you laughing and kissing. ‘Course, now you've had your dick in me and I don't think anything is going to top that.” Finn rubbed a tender hand over Poe's laugh lines. “But I love making you laugh, regardless.”  

Poe turned his head to kiss the inside of Finn’s wrist. “Well, we make a good pair, huh?” He grinned at Finn.  

“Fuck yeah, we do.” Finn leaned up to claim his kiss, drawing Poe down.  

Poe toppled down onto Finn, braced himself up on his elbows, and kissed Finn back for all he was worth. He rocked his hips a little, just enough to feel another spark run up his spine.  

Finn lost himself in the kiss, wrapping Poe in his arms and clinging to him tightly. He sighed as their mouths melded, and he opened his legs, bending one at the knee to find a better angle for below.  

Poe slowly ground his cock against Finn’s—no rush, he could stay here forever. In fact, he’d _love_ to stay right here forever. Finn’s body was a reassuring warmth beneath him, enveloping him in safety and love.  

“Love you,” Finn murmured against Poe's lips. “So much.” His hand swept down Poe's back and sank into his favorite spot, Poe's ass.  

“Ahh, there you go. You found it.” Poe wiggled his ass a little, just to feel Finn’s fingers better.  

“Another life quest of mine. Have your sexy ass in my hands as much as possible. Christ, I'm not sure I could be more of an ass man.” Finn bright their lips together again as he cupped Poe's ass and moaned as their cocks rubbed together.  

“Mmm?” Poe’s brain shorted out at the feeling of Finn’s dick against his. “Well,” he managed. “Have you ever seen yours? Because—yes, oh god, do that again—”   

Finn rolled his hips again, tossing his head back at the pleasure shooting through him. “Fuck, _Poe.”_  

“Mmmph.” Poe kissed Finn again, ran a hand down his arm, linked their fingers together, and pinned Finn’s hand to the pillow above his head. His cock slid against Finn’s, achingly hard, slick with their precum.  

Finn gasped a little at the confinement, and then everything within him went warm, like Poe had coaxed a stoked fire to flame. He moaned and locked eyes with Poe.  

Poe held Finn’s eyes and rocked his hips against Finn’s again, dizzy with arousal. The absolute trust in Finn’s eyes went straight to his gut. “Love,” Poe rasped. “Love. Love you.”  

Finn broke, burying his face in Poe's neck and  thrusting blindly, without rhythm. “Please, Poe, god, _please.”_  

Poe braced himself on their joined hands, reached down between their bodies, and stroked their cocks together. “Come, baby,” he murmured. “Come for me.”  

“Ah, god, I love you, I love you,” Finn babbled, looking into Poe's eyes again the moment before he came. _Love you love you love you love you—_ He squeezed his eyes shut and came all over Poe's fist, his cock, his own belly. He held Poe's hand like it was the lifeline keeping him afloat.  

The warm spurt of Finn’s come over Poe’s hand took Poe right to the edge, straining to leap over it. He rutted against Finn’s stomach, breathless and sweaty. His world shrank to the slide of his cock over Finn’s come-streaked body, the clench of Finn’s fingers in his, the pounding of Finn’s heart beneath his own.  

Finn wrapped his free arm around Poe, rubbing over Poe's sweat-streaked back. “Now you,” he murmured, kissing along Poe's neck.  

Poe relaxed into Finn’s embrace, feeling arousal coil and glow in the base of his spine. He arched into Finn’s hand and came with a helpless groan—head thrown back, toes curling—then collapsed on top of Finn, boneless and dazed.  

Finn brought his other hand down and curled it around Poe's back, murmuring in his ear. “I've got you, baby. You're safe. I love you.”  

Poe took a deep, shuddery breath, then rolled off and cuddled into Finn’s side. “Y’amazing.”  

“You are too, baby. Rock my fucking socks.” Finn chuckled in Poe's ear.  

“You aren’t even wearing any socks,” Poe mumbled.  

“You rocked ‘em right off.”  

“Oh.” Poe shifted closer, then stopped and squinted down at the mess of come on their stomachs. “Fuck. Okay. I got this.” He heaved himself upright, flicked Finn’s nipple, stumbled into the bathroom, cleaned himself off, and brought a cloth back to wipe Finn’s stomach.  

Finn kissed Poe's arm as he cleaned them up. “Thank you, baby.”  

“Course.” Poe tossed the cloth onto their pile of clothes, then clambered back into bed with Finn. “You know, I thought maybe the fireworks had started again, but I think that was just inside my head.”  

“Cheeeeeese,” Finn teased, pulling Poe closer. “I love it.”  

“Yeah,” Poe sighed. “I can’t help it. I'm going to make the worst dad jokes, watch out.”  

“I can't wait.” Finn kissed the warm skin under Poe's ear. “I can just picture it. God. You're going to be an amazing dad.”  

Poe blinked. “You fucking with me? I can barely take care of myself, and you, let alone another human.”  

Finn furrowed his brow. “That sounds like Poe's jerkbrain.”  

“Maybe?” Poe bit his lip. “It’s true, though.”  

“You take care of yourself just fine.” Finn backed up and held Poe's eyes. “Yeah, like, sure, we're not going to just go pick up a kid off the corner tomorrow and expect to make it work. We're still figuring out how _we_ work. But you take care of yourself just fine. If I—if you hadn't had to take care of _me_ , you wouldn't have disassociated on Monday.”

“Pffft. Not like it’s the first time that’s happened. It wasn’t you, baby. You know that, right? Happens all the time. Never a clear reason why.”  

Finn chewed on his lip.  

“Sweetheart.” Poe traced Finn’s jaw. “What’s going on?”  

“You're so good at telling me it's not my fault, but do you give yourself the same luxury?”  

“Hang on, I’m still worried about _you._ You still blame yourself? We talked about it.”  

“We talked about how we triggered each other.”  

“We talked about how we need to make sure we’re taking care of our own needs,” Poe said, as gently as he could. “If you’re going to blame yourself for what happened to me on Monday afternoon, then you’ll have to blame me for what happened to your back on Monday night.”  

Finn chewed his lip again and scrunched his nose at Poe. “Touché.” He traced circles over Poe's chest. “I still say you can take care of yourself.”  

“We may have to agree to disagree on that one.”  

“Well, like I said. Not like this is something we need to figure out today. Just—just—just let me be hopeful about the future?”  

“Of course, baby.” Poe snuggled back into Finn’s side. “Just—can we maybe start small? A goldfish. I could do that, I think.”   

“Of course we should start small.” Finn grinned and pulled Poe over for a kiss. “We don't even know if I'm capable of taking care of a plant.”  

“You’ve got those tomatoes on your porch! They looked lovely, last I saw.”  

“Yeah, well, a puppy or a kid—or a plant—has to last longer than a week.”  

“Well, one day at a time. As long as you're giving them enough water and sunshine, and maybe a little love, too, they’ll be fine.”  

Finn snuggled Poe closer to him. “I thought I was the one with anxiety about kids.”  

“Then why’d you bring it up in the first place? I’m still working on the idea of having a boyfriend.”  

“I’m trying to give myself time to wrap my head around the idea that I’m not just my father 2.0.”  

“You’re not,” Poe said softly. “There is zero evidence that you are.”  

Finn shrugged. “I could be. That’s half of what made me.”  

Poe squinted at him. “Genetically? I guess? But—” he swallowed. “Genes don’t—don’t decide a person’s future.”   

Finn thought of Leia, and—and the story Finn still couldn’t really wrap his mind around. “No, no, I guess they don’t.” He placed his hand over Poe’s heart to feel its steady beat. “Just that. He could be nice, too. I mean, otherwise why did so many women take him in? He was charming, and handsome, and sometimes he could even be generous.” He shuddered. “I know—I know that’s part of the cycle, but it’s there, in me. People have said I’m all of those things.”  

“Maybe they didn't have much of a choice,” Poe murmured, trying to ignore the sick lurch in his stomach. “Maybe they lived in a world where they didn’t get any respect. Maybe he could be nice to some people, and not others. But there are a lot of people who—hell, you’ve said _I’m_ charming, and handsome, and generous. You telling me I—do I—” _I’m really not sure I want to hear the answer to this._ “Do I ever remind you of him? Do you think I’ll—” Poe couldn’t finish the thought.  

Finn shook his head vehemently. “You’re _nothing_ like him. You could never be anything like him. He’d never blame himself for anything, it was always my—oh. _Oh._ ” Finn stopped, looking at the contrast of his hand on Poe’s chest. “He’d never blame himself for anything. He lacked—lacked the ability to take responsibility. I don’t—I don’t lack that.”  

“No, you sure as hell don’t.” Poe stroked Finn’s shoulder. “You _are_ charming, and handsome, and generous. A lot of people are. But you aren’t a-abusive. Manipulative. Selfish. You’re a good man, Finn. You always have been, as long as I’ve known you.”  

Finn nodded, biting down on his lip and laying his head on Poe’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered.  

“Of course, baby.” Poe wrapped his arms around Finn. “You talk about this with Dr. Ramirez, right? I mean, I’m trying, but I'm not really qualified to help with this.”  

“Yeah. Yeah, we are. We do. I’m—I’m sorry to bring it up here.”   

“It’s okay, baby.” Poe rested his cheek against Finn’s soft curls. “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”  

It made Finn laugh, then, for some reason, the absurdity of their situation, him lying naked in the arms of a man who insisted that he couldn’t even take care of himself, as Poe comforted him. “Christ. I’m sorry. I really suck at post-coital conversation.”  

Poe poked Finn’s nose. “Try that again, sweetheart.”  

Finn gave Poe a dramatic sigh, with a smile. “I’m sure there’s other, much more enjoyable ways we could have spent the last few minutes.” He held up his finger. “But—I do _not_ suck at post-coital conversation.”  

“Damn right. If you need to talk, you can always talk, all right? It’s okay. I want to help, or at least listen.”  

“Okay.” Finn snuggled in closer.  

Poe kissed Finn’s hair, then closed his eyes. “I love you,” he murmured. “Even when you’re hurting. All right? Even when your jerkbrain takes over. I fucking hate your jerkbrain, but that’s no surprise, I hate mine too. And Jess’. And Snap’s.”  

“We should start a jerkbrain bashing club,” Finn murmured.  

“Mmm, _now_ you’re talking. But hey, isn’t that what group is for?”  

“Point. Hey, how has the new one been?”  

“Fine.” Poe shrugged. “I’m trying to get to know them. They seem like a nice bunch. How’s the old group going? Falling to pieces without me?”  

“Oh, you know. We're keeping on in your honor.” Finn paused. “Ted said he was going to email old members, um. Janie’s in the hospital again. She didn't attempt anything, but. She went in to get better, you know how it is.”  

“Fuck.” Poe shook his head. “I’ll have to go see her. Was that, um. Was that hard to hear?”

Finn mulled it over, then nodded slowly. “I could be her.”  

Poe’s brow pinched. He took a slow breath, watching Finn’s face. “Sounds like she made the right choice. She’ll be getting the help she needs.”  

“Yeah,” Finn murmured. “I'm glad she sought help. I'm glad—glad I did, too.”  

“So am I.” Poe stroked Finn’s back. “You’re doing really well, buddy. I’m so proud of you for going to get help. And if, God forbid, you started feeling worse, I hope you’d do the same as she did. Go to the hospital, let the pros take care of you.”  

The thought of it filled Finn with dread, but he nodded. “Things have been getting better, though.” He met Poe's eyes. “A lot better.”  

Poe hugged Finn tighter. “I’m glad, buddy. I’m really fucking glad.”  

Finn settled in Poe's arms. “It's still there, the voice, especially when—” _when I know I've done something wrong_ , he didn't say, didn't want Poe to feel guiltier for earlier. “-when I do something scary. It's there to make sure I fail, but I haven't yet. Not going to. Gonna keep going just to spite it.”  

“Damn right, buddy. I know you will. You’ve got a whole team at your back now. You know that, right?”  

“Yeah. It's not just me, anymore. I—I've got—” Finn throat closed up a little, and he choked on the next word. “A family,” he finally managed.  

Poe bowed his head to Finn’s, throat aching. “Yeah,” he rasped at last. “Hell yeah, you do.”  

Finn wiped away the moisture in his cheek, surrounded safely in Poe's arms. He longed to stay like this forever, even though he knew they couldn't. Still, he pressed a kiss to Poe's chest. “I love you,” he whispered. _I need you._  

“I love you too, sweetheart.” Poe brushed his thumb over Finn’s cheeks to dry his tears.   

Finn closed his eyes, cherishing the moment for what it was, what it had to be, just a moment. After a few minutes, he leaned back, brushing his lips over Poe's. “We should probably get ready for bed.”  

“Oh, dammit.” Poe stretched in place, making sure his knee was still in working order. “You sure about that?”  

“I mean, we could stay up all night, but I make no guarantees about my sanity at two in the morning.”  

“Yeah, no, bed is a good thing. Sleep. I like sleep.” Poe slid off the bed and reached a hand to Finn.  

Finn let Poe pull him up, then pulled Poe closer for a kiss. “Thank you for spending the evening with me.”  

“Of course, sweetheart. It was really nice. I’m glad the fireworks aren’t too loud here.”  

Finn smiled. “Yeah, they were beautiful, and perfectly quiet.” He pulled out of Poe's arms to run through some of his back exercises.  

Poe took a moment to admire Finn’s elegant form, then patted Finn’s ass and headed into the bathroom to take his pills and start washing up.  

Back limber, Finn opened his backpack and pulled out pajama pants, deciding to forgo a tank in the warmth of the bedroom. He ambled down to the bathroom to wait his turn.  

“Oh, damn it.” Poe stuck out his tongue at Finn. “No more lovely view, huh?” He went back out to search for his own pajamas, somewhere in the mess of his hastily packed bag.  

Finn entered the bathroom and stopped dead. The most gorgeous tub took up half the bathroom, an expanse of gleaming white. He walked back to the guest bedroom, stunned. “Holy shit, Poe. That tub.”  

“What? Oh. Yeah, we had to install that for my grandparents several years ago. It was getting hard for them to use a normal shower.”  

“That's like, a dream tub. You could fucking swim in that tub.” Finn turned. “I'll be back. I forgot to actually do anything in the bathroom,” he said with a grin.  

“Oh, that.” Poe yanked on his pajama pants and flopped onto the bed. “Yeah, that’s important too. Go cleanse thyself.”  

Finn brushed his teeth and did a more thorough job with another washcloth, then came back, rounding the bed to sleep on the other side. He got himself situated under the covers, then reached for Poe's hand. “Thank you, again, for letting me crash here, for making everything easier.”  

Poe squeezed Finn’s hand. “Of course, baby. Glad I could help.”  

Finn set his kindle on the bedside table in case he woke up and couldn't return to sleep, rolled a little to kiss Poe on the cheek, and settled back on his side of the bed.  

Poe turned off his bedside lamp, then squinted to see Finn’s face in the dim light from the curtains. “Good night, sweetheart.”  

“Good night, love you.” Finn began his relaxation breathing. It took a few round to coax himself back to drowsiness, but eventually he made it.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos would be excellent! We are excited for you to see the rest of what we’ve done, but there is no set release schedule. At this point, we’ve written more than 330k words, so yeah, there will be more. A lot more. 
> 
> You can find TuppingLiberty on tumblr [ @animalasaysrauer](http://animalasaysrauer.tumblr.com). BeautifulLights is [@beautifullights1](http://beautifullights1.tumblr.com). Please come chat/squee with us about the wonderful dynamic duo that is Stormpilot. And John Boyega’s thighs (also a wonderful dynamic duo).
> 
> And please, leave your suggestion for TuppingLiberty and BeautifulLights’ ship name below. Craft us a wonderful portmanteau.
> 
> <3


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